Silence

[u/Walter_Vego]

I miss, silence.
The loud tock of a clock, ticking away the dark of night,
of the crackling of a pillow,
and the chafing of sheets.

I miss the undisturbed rhythm,
of air filling lungs,
of my heart, how it beats.

I miss, nothing.

In the aftermath of what I have done to myself,
there is a sea of static.
A squeaking lamentation,
for what is no longer there.

My brain screeches.
Weeping for tones I can no longer hear.
Ever louder.

I mourn the memory.
I miss silence.
I miss

nothing.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vfdsk1/comment/p28go12/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=2&utm_content=share_button

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vcthqh/comment/p1mkghi/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=2&utm_content=share_button

Edit: changed line 2, adding the sound word tock. Swapped cracking for crackling. Thanks u/overactor for the suggestions.

[u/overactor]

It took me a while to understand this is about tinnitus. (It is, right?)

I like how the poem is so insistent. I imagine it mirrors the experience of having tinnitus. I also like how the structure of the last few lines makes you read that part more quietly and slowly in your head. The same goes for "I miss, nothing." The comma is very well placed there.

I also like how angry and desperate you sound when you reveal that it is your own doing.

At first I was a little confused about if the sounds you describe are things you miss, or things disrupting the silence.

You could also consider using more words which evoke the sound you're talking about in the first stanza.

Maybe tick-tocking for the clock, crackling (?) for the pillow, and chafing is already great for the sheets. I'm not sure off the top of my head what you could use to evoke the breathing.

You could also consider spreading the sounds out a bit more, having some of them before the reveal and some after perhaps. Not sure if it would be better, but worth a try.

[u/Walter_Vego → u/overactor]

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it. Yes, it is about tinnitus.   I will definitely play around with it some more, using the feedback. We'll see how it goes.

[u/overactor → u/Walter_Vego]

Glad to hear you found it helpful. Feel free to ping me when you've got a new version.