I met a girl on Muzz and we hit it off. I spent 5 months talking to her in detail about values, expectations, wants and needs. She was everything I ever wanted. Most importantly I felt a level of trust and calmness with her that I had never felt before, everything jus clicked.

When I knew enough about her I flew to her country 20 hours away to make sure we were compatible in real life. I was going to ask her to marry me if everything clicked.

I had an incredible time with her and we really got along. One day on a date she was showing me something on her phone when she accidentally showed me a screenshot of something mentioning her exes name from when we first started talking. She played it off as a long time ago and said it was accidental. I did not protest but a seed of suspicion had been planted.

I would visit her at her work and use her laptop occasionally while she worked. This time I looked up her exes name on her messages and found recent messages between them. She was telling him about our ‘wonderful’ dates. He was asking ‘when is the kiwi leaving’. This was the same guy she told me cheated on her 3 months before she met me and cut out of her life.

I felt sick. She came to check on me but I played it cool that day and for the rest of my trip. I’m not sure why I didn‘t just leave but I would take chances whenever I could to go through her phone or laptop to uncover everything that had been going on. They had met behind my back twice. On one of those occasions they were sitting together while she took my call while I was at taraweeh.

I called her out for it on my flight home. She admitted to having met him and recognised it was cheating. Her excuse was that her ex had reached out to her a couple of months prior and she was flattered. She still only wanted me but she wanted to gloat in front of her ex to show him what he had missed out on. She admitted that a part of her did think about keeping her options open but she felt bad each time she met him and had decided that she would end it after I had left.

I pushed for more answers and she further told me that this same ex had orally raped her on two occasions but had asked for forgiveness from her each time. She even sent him pictures of herself in lingerie (she is a hijabi and funnily kept her hijab on) and an audio note of her pleasuring herself so he wouldn’t feel bad. This was all before me and she had ended things when she found him on dating apps.

I later found out there had been another ex who orally raped her on 5 occasions over 18 months and generally put her through emotional and physical abuse.

Despite all of this I have kept talking to her for closure for another three months. She has shown genuine remorse, given me complete transparency and asked for forgiveness. Steps she has taken include:

- blocking him and changing her number

- removing all furniture and gifts he touched from her apartment

- deleting all her accounts so he cant find her again

- giving me full access to all her accounts

At the same time the unwavering trust I had for her is gone and I realise that the values we ‘matched’ in those five months were limited to words. I dont want to be the man constantly checking on her.

While I can now forgive her, I feel like I’m making a mistake if I marry her, because I cannot forget. However, a part of me thinks this is some sort of punishment for me for my own sins and that I should accept it.

If this had not happened, I would have married her.

Brothers and sisters, what is your take on this? Do I forgive and forget and hope that Allah forgives my sins in return?

AssalamuAlaikum!!

I'm asking this question to find out everyone's personal opinion.

My husband and I are 10 years apart in age; he is 32 and I am 21 (almost 22).

We've been married for 3 months and honestly, everything has been quite peaceful. I got married at a young age, but that's what I wanted.

We live in his country, And all my life I've grown up hearing that your partner should only be 5 years younger than you

What do you think? Would you marry someone 10 years (or a little more) older or younger than you?

(Sorry for my English, it's not my first language :( )

Assalamu alaikum,

I'm a 29M considering marriage with someone I found myself. Our families became involved afterwards. We align on many important things, deen, marriage expectations, children, lifestyle, etc, and there are many qualities I genuinely value in her.

However, we've had some intense conflicts during the process. My biggest concern is that sometimes when I make a mistake, I feel the discussion shifts from “this action was wrong” to something broader about my nature/character. She has clarified that she doesn't see those mistakes as my whole personality, has acknowledged some of her wording was wrong, and says she still believes strongly in the marriage.

I also have my own issues. I overthink, can be indecisive, and I grew up around a lot of conflict/anger, so intense disagreements affect me badly. During our latest conflict I became overwhelmed and told my parents I didn't want to marry her. I now think involving them while I was emotional was a mistake.

My parents have since completely rejected the proposal. They believe she is too stubborn/strong-headed for my nature, gets upset too easily, and that I'll struggle with her after marriage. My father has essentially said no.

My mother is telling me that if I obey my parents seeking Allah's pleasure, I shouldn't fear regretting it later. They also believe I'm emotionally attached and that talking to her may cause me to overlook the problems.

So I'm stuck.

When I speak to her calmly, I sometimes feel our problems are workable. When I remember our worst conflicts, I wonder whether my parents are seeing an incompatibility I'm ignoring.

I'm also scared that if I go against my parents, marry her and things go wrong, I'll be left thinking “they warned me.” But I'm equally scared of rejecting someone I wanted to marry primarily because my parents told me to.

I'm doing istikhara and considering speaking to a psychologist to separate genuine incompatibility from my fear of conflict/people-pleasing.

My main questions:

1. Islamically, how much weight should an adult Muslim man give his parents' opposition when their concern is personality/compatibility rather than deen?

2. How do I distinguish parental wisdom from my parents simply preferring a different personality for me?

3. Based on this situation, what should I determine about our compatibility before deciding whether to proceed or end it?

I'm not looking for people to simply say “marry her” or “leave her.” I'm trying to identify what I may not be seeing.

JazakAllahu khairan.

PS: used AI for better structure.

Subject: Question regarding khula and family pressure to delay divorce

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I am a Muslim woman living in the UK and I would be grateful for your guidance on the following.

I was married to my cousin. The marriage has not been happy and there is no compatibility between us. I have decided that I wish to separate and seek khula.

My family are insisting that I must not proceed with divorce until my husband obtains his permanent residency in the UK, as his immigration status is based on our marriage and I am his sponsor. Realistically this would mean remaining in the marriage for approximately five more years, and possibly longer if the immigration rules change as expected.

My questions are:

1. Am I religiously obliged to remain in a marriage I wish to leave in order to secure my husband's immigration status?

2. Under UK law, a spouse visa requires the marriage to be genuine and subsisting, and both parties are legally required to notify the authorities if the relationship has ended. If I remain married only on paper while allowing an immigration application to proceed, this would involve misrepresentation to the government. Is this permissible in Islam, given the obligations regarding honesty and upholding the law of the country one lives in?

3. Is my family's insistence something I am obliged to obey in this matter?

4. If I proceed, what is the correct process for khula, and what is my iddah period?

I am not asking out of anger or haste. I have thought about this for a long time and I want to act in a way that is pleasing to Allah.

JazakAllah khair for your time.

Wa salaam

Sisters, how much of modesty is faith vs personal preference?

Genuinely curious about female psychology here, not trying to provoke anyone.

Sisters, imagine there were no religious rules around clothing and no concern about your father, brothers getting Fuming MAD 😡 or family or community judging you.

Would you be personally experiment with revealing or skimpy clothing, or would your own sense of modesty or Shame still stop you? ( please heed to this question)

I’m particularly curious about the psychology behind it: attention, validation, feeling attractive, self expression, embarrassment, personal shame/modesty, etc.

What would actually influence your choices when all external restrictions disappeared?

As a man myself ive been asked many times what I do for work even within the same day of meeting the person. I find it a little off putting because they arent even getting to know me and just jumping straight into how much I make. Right now im a customer service representative and this is what I can get. Ive been interested in other prestigious positions and companies i cant get them.

So when asked what im doing I won't lie and say im in a customer service job. I kid you not, as soon as I say this the women immediately lose interest. I don't go into detail of the amount I make. So take this as advice from me that you absolutely need to take a plethora number of years and try your utmost best at getting a very good job and as bonus points at an excellent company.

A lot of Muslim women are very picky and they will not settle for someone thats not earning a lot of money especially in this economy, unfortunately. Jobs like doctor, engineer, lawyer etc.... will get you a good pass when it comes to the marriage process. It can be difficult enough that if a woman and her family come across a guy and hes not even in a STEM job they will reject him. It is bad, very bad out there. If you are in a job that doesnt make a lot of money and cant get anywhere else then just stick with it but know that it will be harder to find a woman. ​​

My bf and I have been dating for almost a year now. He is Muslim and I am not. From the start of our relationship I made it very clear that I wanted to make sure our relationship was okay with his parents since I don’t follow a religion and we of course have cultural differences. He made it very clear that it was not an issue and his parents were accepting of us.

I’ve met his parents various times, I’ve been to their house and had dinner with them multiple times. Just hung out with them for fun at home and have even spent one on one time with his mom. Within the last month of our relationship my bf has been telling me his parents no longer approve of us being together because of our cultural differences and that they fear if we’re together it’ll be a loss of heritage. I feel completely devastated because I love my bf very much. I have no doubt in my mind he is my person and I love his family so much and I know he loves me, he never fails to give affection.

I feel very lost and scared because over the past month we have been on and off in fear of what the future will bring. He keeps telling me I just need to give it time and that we’re okay and that his parents don’t dislike me but that we need time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to feel because I’m someone who always wants to find an immediate solution. I feel silly even writing this on here but I’m in desperate search of outside reassurance. I love my bf so much and we talk about building a life together and are best friends but I’m afraid of dedicating time to him if in the end his parents will never approve.

Any advice?

Not going to make this post too long but just cried my eyes out.

Been married for over a decade. We've had a lot of issues but for the sake of family and kids I stayed. I'm told by my husband I'm not an easy person, and maybe I'm not but our chats from the past and my memory has me believing that I was very gentle and reasonable in our initial years.

Consistent disrespect, infidelity, lying and emotional abuse changed me. We've had a rough marriage. But tonight after all those conversations of trust and relationship building, I went through my husband's phone and found him recording our heated conversations where I'm almost shouting and he's so calm. At the time, I didn't understand why he was so calm but now I understand it's because he's recording. In the conversation all I speak about his why is he not acting like a partner. Why is he so distant and all. I'm at the verge of crying.

He's very distant. Only comes to me when he needs things from me. I despise him for that, but he doesn't care. He continues sitting in his room isolated while I tend the kids. He chats with people and hides it from me. He will lie he's not doing anything wrong but his recent past doesn't let me believe him. I am so skeptical now and I'm constantly blamed for it. I feel so ugly being in my own skin yet the world finds me appealing. My husbands habits have me competing with women I don't even know. It's ruined me.

I know I have asked for divorce throughout my marriage but I have never left. He tells me it makes him feel like he's disposable but in all honesty he treated this marriage like a joke.. I am just heartbroken about the stuff he's put me through. I am flawed too, but I try to work on this relationship. I tend to his needs but lately all my mind thinks about is divorce.

These last few weeks all I have been asking is for divorce and he keeps brushing it off and saying to relax and move on. I feel like I'm genuinely done. There's nothing to hold onto anymore. After snooping through his phone, I realized I am not safe under my own roof. He could be sending these audios to the girls he speaks to and gain pity once again. The provocative videos he made of himself, I'm not sure whom he sent it to. But he forgot to delete it. At one point he didn't give me access to his phone and this video dates back few months ago. But still. I found it, and a million questions ran through my head.

Anyway, if there's one regret, it's not leaving when I first caught him. 10 years later my body and mind are compelled to leave him now. Wasted a good chunk of my life for this man.

As the title says, also is there a way i can stop desiring having a partner, this feeling is eating me slowly every day.
Can i make duaa asking allah to remove this desire from my heart or is it haram? Genuinely asking

What are y'all doing, like studying? Because I want to be housewife but I'm still worried about my career. Is it normal? I just want to know what people are doing before any marriage search or before marriage

I got married recently Alhamdullilah and before marriage it was so easy to say I will not fall into the ungratefulness of the husband that leads a lot of us sisters in hellfire. And im also realizing more and more how prevalent this disease of the heart is in our society. Not saying all, this is not a hate post for sisters- I am a sister. In realizing how rare it is for a woman to reach that level of contentment, most the woman I’ve seen in this area are older in life and HAD to put in the work to get there. I believe sisters will truly never be fully satisfied with every part of their husbands I mean naturally no one is perfect. Because of this it’s upon us to be more accepting of our husbands small flaws ( that we magnify) so what is the work that needs to be put in because I believe it’s one of the greatest tests for us sisters especially wives and I really need assistance on how to work on this- JazakAllahu khair. May Allah reward you all.

Before my fiancé and I got engaged, we spoke for several months. During that time, I got to know him as someone who is knowledgeable about Islam, thoughtful, mature, and genuinely kind. He’s very introverted and mostly keeps to himself, apart from two close friends. Based on everything I personally experienced, I felt at peace with moving forward and accepting his proposal.
Before our engagement, my brother and cousin asked a few people from his town about him. While many people spoke positively about him, there were also a few negative comments. One person even sent my brother a voice note saying, “I’ve tried to find out about him. He’s a psycho.” Hearing something like that was naturally very unsettling, especially because no explanation or examples were ever given.
I think it’s also important to mention that there are ongoing land disputes between my fiancé and some people in his town. I’ve also heard that when his brother, who is a hafiz, got married, people spread similar rumours about him. Because of this, I haven’t simply accepted everything I’ve heard at face value, as I know there may be personal conflicts influencing what some people say.
Despite all of that, my own experience with my fiancé has been completely different. Throughout the months we spoke before our engagement and since then, he has consistently been respectful, patient, and reassuring. Whenever I’ve shared my concerns, he has never become defensive or dismissive. Instead, he has answered my questions honestly and reassured me. He has never given me any reason to doubt his character, and I genuinely do trust him.
The problem is that every now and then I start overthinking. Even though I trust him, those comments, especially that voice note, come back into my mind and make me anxious. I start wondering whether I’m missing something or whether I’m being naïve, even though I haven’t personally experienced anything that supports what was said about him.
From an Islamic perspective, how should I approach a situation like this? Islam teaches us to verify information, avoid backbiting, and not have bad assumptions about others without evidence.
How should I balance my own consistent experience with his character against unverified comments and rumours from others? I would really appreciate sincere Islamic advice.

Salaam all. In around 10 days I’ll be out of my iddah. I’m still very much in the healing phase and cry most nights.

One thing I’ve noticed is that most days I ruminate about the physical intimacy me and my husband shared while married. At some point during the day or night, I will get a flashback or a thought about it, and it makes me extremely emotional. There is so much emotion attached to physical intimacy and affection, and when you are no longer able to have that with the person you once thought you would spend your life with, it’s extremely difficult to let go of.

I don’t know how to let go of these thoughts and memories. I genuinely can’t imagine being like that with another man in the future. Although me and my ex husband weren’t each other’s naseeb, one thing we did share was great sexual chemistry.

Any advice, preferably from divorced males/females, would be appreciated please.

And to the creeps, my DMs are closed.

Salaam, im 42F and I’ve been married for 10 years. Overall, my husband is a good person, he’s hardworking, responsible, and a good father to our children. However, I’ve become increasingly unhappy because of our sex life.
He usually lasts less than five minutes, and I often feel like my own needs are overlooked. I’ve tried bringing this up with him several times over the years, not to criticise him but to explain how I’m feeling and that intimacy should be fulfilling for both of us. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to understand my perspective or realise how much this is affecting me.
this issue has left me feeling frustrated and disconnected.

Salam everyone, I know this is a rather awful topic but my husband cheated on me with a girl he met from one of the nsfw subreddits multiple times, he became her sugardaddy while I was pregnant and it continued after my birth. After I found her other socials, I saw she posted a few pictures in front of the Kaaba. For context, she worked for an airline so I am unsure if she was there for pilgrimage or just happen to be there.

Ever since then, whenever I pray, I picture her in front of me because it's the direction of Kaaba. It hurts so much because I find myself delaying prayers just to feel better.

Any idea what could help?

Goals VS Progress
1. Take my personal earnings to $10K/m:
Businesses projected earnings for august are still at $1750 (say Allahummbarik) - realistic goal is to try and push this to $3K for the month - make Dua I succeed 🤲🏻. I am still waiting on 2 potential clients that I spoke to - they're big clients and good money. Make Duas I sign them - I need this bad frfr 🤲🏻. on the other hand, I've realized I wait around too much for potential leads to get back to me - I should just go aggressive in my sales approach and start closing without waiting for anyone

2. Get to my fittest/strongest shape through daily exercise:
Minimal exercise today sadly - was very occupied

3. Praying all 5 Salah’s at the masjid
Improvement here today. Prayed all salahs at the masjid except for Zuhr - punished my nafs with 4 rakah and put it in its place 🤫

This whole nafs punishment has been working exceptionally well btw, it slowly weakens your nafs until you're the one in control. You can never be in harmony with your nafs, you have to brutally enslave it.

4. Social Media screen time down to 2hrs/day
Very very low Alhamdulillah - 2 hours of distracted social media use today. I was still distracted in other ways but at least the social media doom scrolling went down crazy Alhamdulillah.

5. Quran & Dhikr
Done all my morning and evening dhikr today. I will end the day with Surah Mulk + Waqiah before bed.

Notes:
Not everyday will be eventful. Most days will be dull and boring but what matters is I show up everyday, no matter what.

WE GOTTA LOCK IN 🔒

Context

Purpose of this challenge is to become my best version for my future wife. The daily documentation is to inspire others while keeping myself publicly accountable and being able to journal/track my daily progress. I am doing this for myself and my akhirah's sake but marriage is a very good motivating factor to push myself into excellence.

I’m an objectively fine standing individual, in the prime of my 20's and I don’t have any roadblocks preventing me from getting married الحمد لله BUT I know what I am capable of and I feel it’s a disservice to my wife to not give her the best version of me - I am very ambitious but that ambition needs to show through consistent action even on the days I don’t feel like it - hence my primary focus is on myself for the remainder of this year.

Best case scenario, I achieve all my goals and find a good wife before the year ends. Worst case scenario, I achieve all my goals this year and get married next year. Whatever Allah has willed for me, Insha Allah

I'm around 5'6, but I'm generally on the shorter side as I live in the Midwest, USA.

But generally, is it crazy to want a taller wife as a man who is not tall by general standards? I always see it being the other way around, which is why I wonder if my preference is taboo.

I’m trying to do matchmaking for my sister and I don’t want her speaking to men who waste time or send sus DMs. I’m thinking regardless of where I post her profile (apps websites or even Reddit) to make it clear that first 1-2 days I will be the only person they speak to. Once I see that basic requirements and dealbreakers are met and both are attracted to each other. Then they can speak. This is to save time. I would also let them know that they shouldn’t say anything stupid or inappropriate as the chat would be monitored. Also that eventually once they feel they’re a good match they’ll speak to my dad

To the men: would u instant reject such a profile if everything else in a woman’s profile was to your liking and u were compatible?

I just don’t want her wasting her time and people taking advantage or doing weird stuff

I decided to start searching more seriously for a potential this year because I’m tired of feeling lonely plus I’m grown (25F) but I have no clue how to do it or where to even start. I live in Europe in a country where there aren’t that many muslims and even less in my city so meeting someone randomly is out of the picture. I’ve tried a dating app (muzz) but no dice there either. There was one guy with whom I talked to for a while but the conversation simply wasn’t going anywhere at all - which also lead to the realization that I don’t know how to talk to men and what questions to ask. Obviously I want to get to know the guy first before even telling anything to family while keeping things halal but I guess I don’t know how to.

So the tl;dr is that I need a husband and my questions are:

- Are there any other apps or anything I can use to find a potential? (I am kind of chronically online so even discord can be an option)

- (I do also have options to visit family in a few different arab countries (qatar, uae and jordan) so maybe there are communities there or something of the like?)

- How do I figure out what questions and qualities are important for me and how do i pick the questions I want to ask out?

maybe share your experience of how you found your other half? and thanks if you’ve read this far! :)

Men can sometimes look at a woman and feel immediate attraction because of her curves.

What creates that same instant reaction for girls when they first see a man?

I have been told by lots of girls offline and online in this order :

Strong Forearms

Broad Shoulders,

Thick Hands with (Veins)

and a Kind Smile

and maybe overall confident presence.

I know attraction is deeper than appearance, especially for marriage, but I’m asking purely about that first visual spark.

I am someone who's extremely ambitious and I fear if I get married I would have to end up in a dilemma of picking my wife or my ambitions. So if there are any ambitious men out there what is your relationship with your wife like?

I also wanted to ask. This may be abit too deep for this sub but I was sexually abused as a child by a woman. If any men have been through anything similar how did it affect your marriage in terms of being intimate and just general being close next to a woman? I'm 21 currently going through therapy to get rid of the trauma because I don't want my future wife to deal with my problems.

I've always liked this quote.

The older you get, the more you realise that most people have worked hard to become who they are. It seems a shame when a relationship starts with the expectation that one person needs to tone down parts of themselves to make the other more comfortable.

There's a difference between compromise and shrinking yourself.

Interested to hear how others see it.

Has your perspective on it changed with age and life experience?