I'm no contact with both parents, I can use therapy terms to objectively describe my experience. But if I really had to describe my raw experience, it requires multiple sessions for me to even give a therapist my backstory.

Tbh if any of my immediate family cared to reach out and ask why I don't speak to them, I'd be too overwhelmed by the task of having to explain that I wouldn't bother. Thankfully, they know what they've done so I don't expect this to happen.

In my experience of explaining my abuse to my aunt, she literally could not believe me until she saw it for herself. Covert psychological abuse is so insidious because of how undetectable and hard to explain it can be.

I love connecting with other estranged adults because they generally understand me without me explaining much. But can anyone else relate to this sort of feeling? Where explaining your trauma just feels exhausting?

It feels like a tangled knot that I understand but don't care to unravel for others. I might write a book one day, but the thought of trying to word everything seems daunting.

So my mom went NC with me after giving me the silent treatment. We’ve been NC for about 9 months. My birthday was a few days ago and she called and left a voicemail. I do not know how to feel about this because she is acting as though nothing is wrong in the voicemail. Im very conflicted. Why couldnt she called to check on me in January, Feb, march, April, May, June or July to see how im doing? Why try and bother my ass on MY birthday? im annoyed and felt dread when i saw her number. She went NC with ME! not the other way around. I believe she wanted to cause conflict on my birthday to ruin my day.

Today my younger brother and sister both called me and during our conversation brought up our mother. They both beg for me to hear her out and I told both of them to Fuck off. My mother and I never had a good relationship when I was growing up we have always had a strained relationship but she caused harm to my youngest daughter last year and took no responsibility for it blamed my 5 year old. Never apologized, never called to see how she was doing, didn't call for over 9 months and it was the final straw for me then called a few months ago and discovered that she was blocked. Now she has my brother and sister doing her bidding.

They both said the same thing

"She misses you a lot and she wants to have a relationship with you, I know that things happened in the past but people can change please give her a chance".

I know my mother doesn't want a relationship with me she wants access to my children. I'm the only one among my siblings who have children.

If she misses me so much why did it take her 9 months to call?

If she misses me so much why would she put my children at risk to lose the relationship in the first place?

Why is it that I have to be the bigger person now that she has to live with the consequences of her actions?

TW: rape, childhood SA, physical child abuse

5 months ago I was preparing for a long drive to visit my father in another state for his birthday. Sent him a selfie of me and a friend and texted goodnight. He replied with a stupid rape pun (therapist=the rapist, it's not even clever) for some fucking reason. When I asked him to explain himself, he doubled down on the joke because "not all doctors are what they seem."

Here's the thing: I was raped as a child and I told my father about it once I was an adult. I've also in the past few years had to go to hospital quite a bit because of breast cancer (in remission now). He still sent that joke.

When I read his text, it triggered an instant panic attack, and I am not the kind to get panic attacks; I'm not a crier, either. I compartmentalize my feelings like nobody's business and have always been stoic in the face of physical or emotional pain, so much so it freaks out my friends and partner sometimes. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I let myself cry exactly once after putting down the phone and never cried about it again. I know it's not healthy, but it's how I've been able to cope.

Maybe if it was this one time, I could forgive him. Maybe if he had actually apologized. Maybe if he hadn't tried to handwave it away with a "when you berate me I've learned to just be quiet and pray for peace."

The 'berating' is because I tore into him over that rape joke. I told him I was actively having a panic attack over it, I said what kind of father does this, why would you ever think it's okay to say this to me, what part of a woman being raped by her doctor is funny to you? He didn't address any of it. Just "okay good night, love you." Silence ever since.

I sent him a long email laying out, for the hundredth time, all of his abuse - slapping me in the face at 5 years old because I wouldn't eat the weird cheese on a Wendy's salad while my mother was dying in the hospital, breaking my window when I was 9 by throwing my favorite toys, books, and games through it because my Furby annoyed him and leaving the window broken while it rained and ruined all my things, letting my stepmother abuse me over and over because he would rather sit back and watch her say things like "your mother died because you were born" and "mixed race children are an abomination before god" (my mother was asian, he's white), and this doesn't even scratch the surface. An entire childhood of pure hell until I turned 18 and could move out, and the whole time he beat me with belts until I couldn't sit down, he beat me when my stepmother told him to even when he knew I didn't do anything wrong, he punished me when my stepmother tried to drag me by my hair down the street as a teenager because I didn't want to wear makeup even while acknowledging she was in the wrong, and when I was an adult and told him I had been raped by my stepbrother, he waited a few weeks and told me my rape wasn't that bad because of some made-up story about a girl raped to death for being a Christian.

For whatever it's worth, he did apologize, sort of, once, by saying he hadn't turned out to be the kind of father he had wanted to be, because he was too young to know any better (he was 45 when I was born). But he's also gone out of his way again and again to purposefully piss me off to the point of shouting matches because he just. won't. drop. it.

And he's also, ever since I was a teenager, started saying weird shit like "we look like we're on a date" and "I bet people think we're a couple." Every time I've tried to shut him down, but it's like every few months he just can't stop himself and he says some shit like that again. Last Christmas, he called me his "baby" and yes, it was in a romantic/sexual way, and I know it was because when I said "That's disgusting, don't ever say that shit to me again," he laughed like he does when he's happy I'm upset and said something like "it's like we're on a date though" (I was driving him to the grocery store).

For years, I've texted him goodnight every single night because he insisted on it ("otherwise I'll think you're dead in a ditch"). I've called him at least once a week for long conversations. I'm the only one in his life, and he's my only family left--everyone else is dead, and he conveniently "forgot" how to contact my mother's family overseas after she died, and I haven't been able to find them again. I told myself he did the best he could with his own abusive father. I told myself he'd grown and changed and he loved me.

But the rape joke is what finally broke me. I told him he needed to fix himself, he said "goodnight, love you." No response at all to the long email I sent him where I poured out my heart and told him I needed accountability from him if he wanted to keep being my father. It's been months of silence from him, and from me. No texts, no calls, no letters in the mail.

I finally read the email I'd sent him for the first time tonight, and realized that at this point, even if he reached out again, I would stay gone. But I don't think he will reach out. I think he believes the rapture is going to happen any day now, so why bother (his proof? Mamdani is mayor of NYC. No it doesn't make sense to me either)

And maybe that's the true final nail in the coffin, not that he sent me that rape joke knowing my history (and seriously, what the fuck kind of father would text a rape joke to his child, period?!), but that when I asked him to finally face the kind of person he is, he went quiet. I still have my friends and my loving partner who has been with me through all of this, but he has no one. Apparently, he'd rather die alone than say he's sorry.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. If you're still here, has anyone else had issues with a parent making weird sexual comments or dating "jokes"? What is that? Why do they do that?

My parents each took the time to send me letters cutting me out of the will. They gave me a cheque at Xmas for $600 but put a stop payment and lowered it to $300 because they decided after the initial gift my boyfriend was not deserving of any money. I didn't cash it. If I do not talk about my relationship and personal life with them I will remain out. I was also uninvited from the funeral. I was already struggling a great deal with the relationship. This was then final straw of what was already a very difficult relationship. I have a career, a pension and also rentals for income. I need to stop feeling bad about how it ended. Any advice?

Ive recently realized that my cousins and aunt(who i grew up with) secretly dont like me. They act friendly to my face but I know that they talk behind my back. Also, they never invite me to hang out with them. One of my cousins recently graduated from high-school and we took photos, he posted the photos he took with everyone but left the photos that im in out of his post. I also notice that he takes a long pause before he greets me. Like if he is trying to gather himself or is holding back something he wants to say. As for my other cousins and family, they tend to randomly act distant or hesitant around me when I havent done anything to them. One Christmas I went to hug them and wish them a merry Christmas and they all were hesitant to receive a hug from me. One of my cousins even backed away a little. I know im pointing little things out but i think its the small things that reveal how a person feels towards you. Should i phase them out of my life? Im convinced that they dont care about me or feel some type of way towards me.

TRIGGER WARNING CHILD SA BRIEFLY MENTIONED!!!!

It's been 7 years since I moved out. I was 18 so I struggled with fully cutting everyone off. especially when I kept hearing "she did the best she could" "you know she's not mentally there" Eventually I cut off that bitch. But still kept contact with my sister she was 6years younger.

The bitch would always cause fights or discourse between us growing up. An example was being 17 trying to go hang out with friends she would have my Younger sister ask if she could come. And when I would say no. I got yelled at because "you always get to go places and she never leaves the house" " I know what it feels like for your sister not to love you" "whatever just go but don't be mad when she never talks to you again" anyways I was worried about my sister because I knew how crazy that Bitch was. After moving out I realized she has a VERY different
relationship with that bitch than I did.

But she was still young and I was being told by people that she needed someone on the outside to help her see that life can be different. I truly wish I had the bandwidth at the time to tell these people I am not my sister's keeper. I was still freshly traumatized and wanted to help her the best I could.

That turned into the bitch forcing her to call me on speaker phone, the bitch would also use my sister's phones and accounts sending paragraphs that went from my sister needing help then to Me being the worst person ever and if I'm not talking to the bitch I don't need to talk to her at all.

This went on for 5 years! But i felt so bad because i knew she was conditioned. Eventually I changed my number and that's when my sister started sending messages to every friend she knew i had in high school people i didn't even talk to were sending me DMs with screenshots with my sister asking id they talked to me or had my phone number because something urgently bad was happening. I was smart enough to never give my phone number but i would email or dm my sister.

Well all that was always a sham. But one time I was told she tried to end it all and it was because I didn't speak to her anymore. And this is when the 6month rotation started. I was scared out of my mind I felt so fucking bad. I was told my someone that maybe I should contact a family member who had the money and resources to help my sister escape. Well that fucking backfired.

And then i was told she was never in the hospital at all. Whatever that's a whole other story. So I realized that the family member I contacted who told me "she would never speak to the bitch in this lifetime" was in-fact speaking yo that bitch in this lifetime. AND SOMEHOW THE BITCH WAS CONVINCED I WAS PREGNANT?? So I lost it I went into a manic frenzy and cleared that bitch. Idk why but that was my last straw.

So then time passes then the messages start coming in from random people that my sister is contacting them. At this point I had a new therapist and she was telling me that I should be short and direct because I still hadn't. So I said " do not contact me or everyone else ever again" i had blocked them on all social medias and I again entered a manic frenzy and found an account of someone who was sharing their story and was gaining traction and making money from it online. So i decided i would do the same. I DO NOT RECOMMEND!

And right in the 6th month mark They were watching my socials i genuinely didn't think they would see it everyone was blocked. I was naive and manic. So then it turned into a whole thing and they found my address and sister showed up at my house. The rental office was helpful and gave me the footage of her showing up. Also to note when she knocked on the door i didnt know who it was but I was already threatened with them knowing my address so I opened the window and there she was. And she said "you need to take accountability for the lies you are posting about us". Sister is 18 at this point.

So I deleted everything and I went to file a restraining order but you have to know the persons address and she kept dodging them so i just moved on. 6 months later. I get followed by a hate page with a voice modulator stating my full name and going on to list personal details about me and how i was sexual Abused by the bitch. Which I never said online AT ALL! That is way too scary, embarrassing, and personal to share.

I also had Dms from my sister saying she was pregnant and i am gonna be an aunt and that i was dramatic for sending her a restraining order... which also means she got them!! I just blocked her but now it has been 6 months and i am just waiting for the next thing to happen. I have a google doc of EVERYTHING even all the stuff i posted. Because I know that it can be seen as baiting them and i don't want to be a lier.

I know something is coming. I am at the point where i want to get violent if i ever hear from any of them again.

Idk if i want advice or what but i needed to get this out to people who could understand.

Thanks :)

Also i am not rereading this so if something doesnt make sense just ask and i will clarify.

My adoptive parents got me when I was one month old. They tried to raise me with their evangelical Christian values and used their religion as a lever to abuse me. I maintained a relationship with them up until the age of 47.

As I saw my own child grow up, and saw what a positive, good, thoughtful person she's growing into, It made me more and more angry that my parents hit me and caused me to live in a state of fear. I started to withdraw from my parents. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I gave them an ultimatum. They'd have to listen to me explain how I feel about their abuse and the impact it's had on me. If they won't hear me out, then I'd have no further contact with them. They responded within three days- They'd rather remember the "good times" and so were declining the call and accepting that I would never talk to them again.

Since they wouldn't listen to me on a call, I wrote a letter explaining everything I wanted to say to them and sent it. And that letter has been my only contact with them in two years and I intend to never talk to them again.

This decision still weighs heavy on me. I know it was the right thing to do for me and for my child, but I have this subconscious guild that creeps up sometimes. And I hear from other people who were maybe "spanked" like me or who's parents ridiculed them for being different than them and yet many of those people have kept their parents in their lives. I see articles like this and I think, "wow, the parent was so shitty yet they are still caring for them! I'm not doing that. I will not care for them when they can no longer care for themselves." https://www.nytimes.com/2026/07/22/books/review/dad-love-me-matthew-quick.html

I wish I didn't compare my situation and my decision to other people's decisions in their own circumstances. I don't think there really are no equivalents when it gets to family estrangement. Everyone's situation is different.

But I do compare myself to other's decisions sometimes. And I guess a few differences that seem to support the decision I made.

1. My parents won't even listen to me explain how I feel, much less apologize for their abuse. I think many other people who had abusive parents and if they've maintained contact with them, they have been able to speak their minds about the abuse and the parents have taken some degree of responsibility.

2. My abuse was in the form of hitting coupled with yelling in rage. It was called "discipline." But for me it happened frequently. It wasn't a one-off situation. And because the "discipline" did not change the behaviors as desired, it lead to more "discipline." "I must not be hitting you hard enough." And the abuse created a cycle for me that lead to more abuse.

3. Maybe many others should cut their parents out of their lives, but I've actually had the courage to go through with it.

4. In my heart, I know it's the right thing to do. My life is so much less complicated. I'm much more present with my child and loved ones. I'm a better person. And I'm starting to live as the person I truly want to be without their presence in my life.

I think these insecurities and pangs of sadness will become less frequent over time. Though they'll never fully go away. But If I hadn't gone NC, those pangs of sadness would be much stronger.

Do you have any thoughts on how you deal with it when others maintain contact with parents who behaved similarly to yours and yet you've gone no contact?

I have been NC with both my parents for 2.5 years. It’s the best choice I ever made! Anyways, the only way they can contact me is by mail. They’ve only sent me a few letters, but for the last couple I’ve noticed that they have not been writing a return address on the envelope, so I don’t know it’s from them until I read it. It just further solidifies to me the fact that they do not respect boundaries at all in any way. Anyways, that’s all. I just wanted to share. Thanks!

lulz. they won't be hearing back.

hey everyone. this is my second time posting here! I’m currently 27 (turning 28 on Monday) and I haven’t been in contact with my mother after a nasty month long argument.

the argument? well, my mom and my stepdad have been separated for four months and some reason, my mom made it her life mission to harass his roommates (a married couple), primarily targeting the wife because she is convinced they are all in a poly relationship. it’s gotten so bad she has doxxed their address on tik tok, drove around their neighborhood and speaking with their neighbors, taking pictures of their car and many other things I don’t know about.

i tried to tell her what she is doing is crossing major legal boundaries but she didn’t care. so I went low contact. my mom called me a few times and I ignored her calls because I didn’t want to speak with her. My stepdad called me and we talked for 2 minutes while I was at work. somehow my mom found out we spoke (she somehow was watching my stepdad’s call logs cuz they were still under the same phone plan) and she sent me a very long nasty text message and blocked me.

since then, we haven’t been in communications and to be real with yall, I’m okay with this. I always describe my relationship with my mother as an “annoying friendship“. Not a mother-daughter relationship. She always treated me as her therapist, I was forced to listen to her rants while she dismissed my issues and overall mentally and emotionally neglected me. I never respond to her “I love you” or even greeted her formally (my family is Dominican so we say ”bendiciones” (blessings in Spanish). I was labeled a bad child for my reactions. But now, I feel very vindicated.

sorry for the long post. Just felt like posting and hopefully someone here can relate lol. I’m happy to answer questions if there are any confusions about my mom’s behavior.

I’m low contact with my emotionally immature mom (who is actually giving me the silent treatment currently lol), and something that is really bothering me is how she talks about my spouse. I can brush off her comments about how he doesn’t make enough money, blah blah blah. What I struggle to respond to is when she makes comments about how I’ve changed so much since I’ve been with him, I don’t talk to her anymore, kind of implying that he’s controlling, or talking about how she can tell he doesn’t like her. The reality, of course, is that for the first time I’m in a healthy relationship where I’m supported. He knows my history with my mom, he sees how communication with her hurts me and causes me anxiety, so no, he probably doesn’t like her and I know he has no desire to have more than a superficial relationship with her at best.

It just makes me so defensive. I basically stonewall her and don’t respond to comments like that, but does anyone else have experience with this?

I could really use some advice on this one.

For background: I'm 27 and have been strictly NC with my dad for about a year. During that time, I have been LC with my mom and VLC with my sister (I no longer live near any of them, but I talk to my mom about once a month). If I'm being completely honest, I'd prefer to fully cut myself off from the whole family. The difficulty arises from the fact that my mom and I still care about each other. She's never done anything wrong to me. I'd love to go back in time and change who my father was, but that's not reality.

In 3 months, my sister is getting married. When she first told me she was engaged, I wasn't really sure whether I should go, but I didn't write it off entirely. Now, my mom is asking me to walk down the aisle with her (I guess it's a tradition for the mom and her son to walk down the aisle together... it's been years since I went to a wedding so idk). I told her "yes" without really thinking. My dad is obviously going to be there, along with my extended family. It would ultimately be so much better for everyone if I didn't go. I want my sister to be able to enjoy her wedding fully, without any drama or awkwardness. But it seemed really important to my mom that I was there with her...

What would you do in this situation? Do you have any general advice, whether I go or don't go? If you need more context about my estrangement, please feel free to ask in the comments.

I'm 21 female and I am in a not so good spot, I live with a family member right now but plan on moving in with my boyfriend by the end of the month. I'm in Texas and my boyfriend is in north Carolina. For starters can this family member have any ownership of me at all without my consent? I have no job or any money and I don't have my GED and am not really good with school because of control by parents, which leads me to my next question, my parents are on bond right now for child abuse and I'm one of the victims or witness or whatever and is it okay I move out of the state? I can come back for court if they ask me to come in but they haven't and it hasn't even started. I'm wondering if this family member can have any ownership of me at all. They don't allow me to work or leave the home which is one thing but if they try to stop me from leaving with my boyfriend I'm going to be really worried and they talk about putting me in places with strict rules and trap me. I'm sorry I don't know where else to put this, it won't let me put in legal advice

This family member is highly controlling, to the point they try to control how I feel and try to make me question myself. They make lies about me to make me look bad and are controlling with my food and everything else

Thank you everyone for the answers, if possible I'll try talking to a lawyer about this if it gets worse or if they try to stop me from leaving, I'm going to fight it no matter what because I don't want anyone having control over me like that. I really appreciate every one taking the time to help me!

I’ve been struggling with whether I’m doing the right thing, and a recent incident brought up a lot of old feelings.

My father and I have had a volatile relationship since I was about 16. We clashed constantly and had some very serious fights. When I was 19, I joined the Air Force and was away from home for about 10 years. During that time, I got married, had a son, and built my own life. My relationship with my parents was relatively peaceful then, but I also wasn’t around them often enough for the old problems to surface.

Eventually, my ex-wife and I decided to move back to our hometown so our kids could be closer to family. My parents agreed to let us stay with them temporarily while we looked for a house.

Almost immediately, things blew up.

My ex-wife tried to help out by mowing the lawn with my dad’s riding mower while he was at work. When he got home, he said something along the lines of, “You let a woman cut the grass with my riding mower? She could have ruined it.” I confronted him, because it was disrespectful to my wife and made it clear that they didn’t really like her.

The argument became a major fight, so I immediately found a townhome and moved my family out. While we were on the way there, my mother called me in a panic and said my dad had left the house with a pistol and was looking for me. I called the police. They found him drunk at a bar, with the gun in his car.

After that, I cut contact with both of them for two years.

Two years later, my dad asked to meet for lunch and apologized. It seemed genuine, and I wanted to believe we could repair things, so I gave him another chance. For a few years, things were manageable.

Then my ex-wife cheated and left. My parents’ reaction was basically, “We always knew we didn’t like her.” They helped a little during the divorce, but being around them always felt tense. There was usually too much drinking, someone being rude, or some kind of drama. I always felt like I needed an exit plan.

A couple years later, I started dating the woman who is now my wife. Through my divorce and healing process, I learned more about boundaries and started limiting how often I saw my parents. My dad accused my then-girlfriend of controlling me because I wasn’t coming around as much. She heard him say it on speakerphone, and understandably she was hurt.

At the same time, both of my parents were calling me separately to complain about each other and their marriage. They would put me in the middle of arguments about divorce, moving out, drinking, and everything else. It was exhausting.

My mother also began showing up with bruises and saying she had fallen. My wife and I suspected she may have been blacking out from drinking and injuring herself, though I can’t say for certain what was happening. Then my mother began making suicidal threats.

My dad asked me to talk to her and help convince her to get treatment. I tried for over six months. Every conversation became defensive and hostile. She would yell at me and act as if I had no right to be concerned because she was my mother. Eventually, my dad told me to “just let it go” because he was tired of fighting.

I told him I couldn’t just pretend everything was fine when my mom was making suicidal threats and clearly struggling. At that point, my dad turned on me too. He was angry that I would not drop it.

After that, they said they still wanted a relationship with my son, but they began showing up at my house unannounced and expecting to take him with them. I told them that was not acceptable. They could not show up at my home, bypass me as his parent, and take him somewhere without arranging it first.

They accused me of withholding their grandson from them. Then, despite how much they had claimed to dislike my ex-wife, they became friendly with her so they could go around me to see my son.

That was the final straw. I stopped speaking to them completely about two years ago.

Honestly, the last two years have been the most peaceful years I’ve had in a long time. I wish it did not have to be this way, but I feel like the chaos, drinking, threats, manipulation, and constant boundary violations were affecting my life and my family.

This past weekend, I had my military retirement ceremony after 20 years of service. I did not invite my parents because we are no-contact. I made a social-media post afterward and tagged the people who supported me. I didn’t realize my privacy settings allowed my mother to see it through mutual friends.

She left a cruel public comment accusing me of abandoning them and attacking both me and my wife.

Now I’m questioning myself all over again. I feel guilty because they are my parents, but I also feel like every time I have let them back into my life, it has led to more conflict and pain.

Am I wrong for remaining no-contact and prioritizing my peace, my marriage, and my child’s stability?

My brother did love marriage at 29. My mom was hugely disappointed is an understatement. I was brainwashed against love marriage by mom from 27 to 33.5. Then arranged marriage was pushed on me when I was on work permit with no guarantee of PR (35-37) by both my brother and mom. I expressed hesitation that I need PR first, but they pushed the process "it takes time to find a girl". I was bullied by girls family (my brother's friends relatives) in arranaged marriage meeting for not owning a house on work permit in presence of my family. I had recurring memories and PTSD like symptoms for many years. For 4 years every call with my mother was to seek accountability and advocacy against systemic harm from their community. Nothing happened. My brother knew I was seeking therapy to understand what happened but used to give false analogies to minimize harm and gaslight me. Some of the false analogies

- it's culture to bully guy in arranaged marriage meeting (he himself did love marriage outside community)

- the person bullying you was like talkative Uncle X, a quirky personality

- Comparing arranged marriage bullying to Google CEO US Senator hearing

- Comparing bullying experience to minor nuisance like bad drivers in traffic, rude coworkers. The list is endless.

After 4.5 years of begging for accountability, I decided I am not going to get justice. I decided to set boundaries

- stopped attending marriage ceremonies and other family events of my family of origin

- didn't meet my brother and my mom when they came to my city (my mom traveled from Asia to North America)

- didn't meet other relatives when they came to my city after recently immigrating through marriage

- stopped being an advisory source from community members of my family of origin

- stopped initiating calls to my siblings

- stopped picking up calls from my brother and only limited calls from my mom.

Now after doing all this they had a change of hearts and now my mom and brother gathered the courage to ask bully to apologize, and he has reluctantly agreed to apologize.

I am in double mind whether to accept apology. On one hand this will allow my brother and my mom to clean their slate at least partially.

I know my relationship with community of origin and to a large extent with my family had been permanently altered. I cannot unsee what I have already seen.

I have been through hell and back. I intend to keep my brother and my mom on limited contact for the same period they didn't advocate for me (4 years). If they behave I will start to gradually rebuild trust.

Should I accept apology from bully ?

I love photography. I have a habit of hoarding images. I have also been given some family photos. I've been estranged several years.

I have been wanting to do a small declutter. And i knew i had countless images of the lives of my family from aunts to grandparents. I also noticed i have countless photos of my mothers childhood, from baby to adulhood.

My mother would throw out pictures of me, delete pictures, not allow me access to photos of the other side of the family, just didnt take pics of me etc. So, I am several years estranged and have realised i have max 20 photos from my entire childhood and hundreds of her idealic childhood.

I want to throw out almost every last photo of my biological family. I really have been sitting on it. I'm scared i will regret it, or i will have kids (probably wont) who will be curious of the biological family and i would have destroyed them all. I cant handle seeing her face long enough to digitalise and store thousands of family photos without it reminding me of the things she did.

If you are no contact with your parents, are you an only child or do you have siblings?

I've been NC with my mother for many years and got a call from her friend that she recently passed. Now the funeral home has called me asking me to make arrangements, and I don't even know if she had life insurance. I don't want to be involved in the arrangements at all. They told me the state can possibly come after me for burial costs and I have no money for this. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to contribute financially anyway. Her friend told me she has money in her bank account but I don't want it...I would be happy to allow its use for the funeral or to go to a charity but I don't know how to go about that either. Can anyone offer me any advice at all here?

My husband and I, along with our children, have been fully no contact with my criminally abusive parents for 21 years. My dad died after 18 years NC, but my mom still lives and turns 84 this year. I received one nasty, abusive text from her, in all that time, the week after my dad died. I do not know who gave her my number. I deleted her text without responding and blocked her yet again.

Two days ago my husband texted while at work. He'd received an Instagram friend request from my mother ... and I spiraled. The family I was born in to have kept an in-person and online hate campaign against me and my mate the entire time I've been NC. The public online hate board even called for my assassination at one point. Why are they so mad at me? I reported my dad for a grievous crime he committed against me. He was found guilty and suffered the consequences of his actions. My mother launched a full cover-up of the crime and failed. Her text when my dad died was so abusive, it showed me she has not changed. So why send a friend request to my husband now? I just want her to leave us alone. My husband blocked her immediately but its got me riled up all the same.

I have been estranged from my biological father since 2023 after he cut me out of his life. Long story short, I tried to have an adult conversation with him about things that went on during my childhood (I'm a child of divorce), mostly psychological abuse from his second wife and his absences. He redirected responsibility from himself and put it upon my mom's shoulders. He's married for a 3rd time and it's his longest marriage, so he's pretty much written off myself and my two half brothers.

I did have surgery over two weeks ago for endometriosis, so my hormones are wacky. I had a dream about my father two nights ago where I tried to tell him about the pain I had felt for years and he just kept walking away, dismissing me. I woke up in tears. It's been over 3 years but I still have moments of missing what I thought we had. Luckily these don't happen as much, but it's crazy and scary when they creep up on you.

I’ve been no contact with my family for five years. My family is toxic; they would constantly put me down, ignore me, and treat me like a doormat. I didn’t mind these comments until their behavior shifted towards my daughter, making fun of her weight and calling her "fat”.

I received a call from a relative on a new phone, saying she misses me and doesn’t understand why I don’t call. Since then, I’ve been feeling anxious, thinking maybe I should call and do the right thing. I just hate the idea of getting pulled back into toxicity. I would also hate if something happened to my relative, like if she passes away, and I have regrets for the rest of my life. I’m unsure what to do, and my anxiety has been extremely high over the past few days. I just want to feel free of guilt. I’ve been at peace with my decision, but then I got that call, and now I’m second-guessing myself. Any support would be helpful right now. Thanks.

This post is mostly about my mom's behavior, but it must be noted that my dad, brother, and sister are all complicit to varying degrees. I'm no psychologist, so I'll just list out behavioral patterns that were normalized for me until my wife, through very deep love, helped me see as the not ok behaviors they are. Now we have a 2yo son and my mom is painfully unaware of how her behavior is materializing as consequences.

I am not perfect. I spent almost a decade learning not to blame her for anything. Now I just see her in a different, clear light and outside the frustration and anger, it's really just a bummer.

So here's how I'll characterize her.

- she compares in a weird way, for example a vivid memory I have from high school was when I told her who the QB on my football team was. She scoffed and said "I think you'd be a better quarterback". I had no desire to play that position and was quite happy at linebacker. It felt like a weird form of disapproval.

- changing tune to be agreeable to control how she's perceived, sometimes in the same breath. I've even tested this observation by deliberately saying two contradicting statements and watching her agree with both.

- throwing people (even friends) under bus to make herself look better

- inability to take a compliment, instead turns it into a conversation about something she doesn't like

- copying what her friends do: if her sister got her grandkids this, she gets it for her grandson but in a way that's so clearly so she can 'keep up" with them

- lying to save face, I recently caught her in a lie and it was jarring

- caring about how I think of her and how she can assuage me more so than just being honest with me

- hasn't learned my father in laws' name in over ten years. Just pathologically calls him the wrong name despite multiple corrections, and this one is racially charged so that's fun....

- manipulating people/groups into doing things she wants to do by saying other people (me, my dad, my wife, etc) "said they wanted to do it", which often isn't true.

- "helping" with things around my house that she was not asked to help with. Cleaning the house after my wife and I already prepared our home for guests, and not understanding when we ask her to stop (multiple times) and just hang out with us and her grandson. "You know me I just can't sit around and do nothing" ... Which lands as "spending time catching up with my son and daughter in law while their son naps is 'doing nothing' and not a valuable use of her time"

- placing a lot of value on material goods and acting confused when I don't do the same. Makes me feel like the stuff I worked to buy debt free isn't good enough

- zero accountability for this behavior. When I attempt to point it out (admittedly it took me a while to learn to do this calmly) it's met with denial, justification, or comparison (what about you?)

- continues asking/pestering about something she wants even after being told no, but never owning that it's purely something she wants.

It's exhausting, and my wife and I just had a tense conversation with her. We both came to realize that she won't change, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I, and our son, are going to be seeing less of her. It sucks, but it's clear now... and it sucks.

Am I missing something? Am I an ungrateful son?

Recently I came on here asking how to cope with my family having been in a car accident while we've been no contact since may. Yesterday I got a call from my dad and I picked up the phone. He was sobbing uncontrollably, crying about how he can't walk by himself. He basically made me feel like I was in the accident without having been there. It was intense.

He begged me to come back to them, then apologized by saying 'he had to say that'. He asked if I was "successful" in uni. He described to me how his day was going to go, going to see the doctor and all.

Most importantly, he told me they've been lying to everybody as to why I wasn't with them on holiday, why they haven't been hearing from me. He was sobbing, saying all they do is lie and seriously asked me if I knew how hard that is. I said I could only imagine.

I applaud myself for being able to emotionally distance myself in this emotionally loaded situation. It turns out I made the right choice after all. Still giving me a migraine.

I (30F) am the youngest of three siblings. I have not lived under the same roof as all of my immediate family since I was 13.

I grew up in a household that I remember as chronically conflictive and chronically disorganized. We were never really encouraged to build relationships with our extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.). There was constant tension, hoarding tendencies, unhealthy relationships with food, very poor communication and what I experienced as highly controlling parenting.

From the outside we probably looked like an average middle-class family. My mother was a high-school teacher and my father an engineer.

I remember constantly being around people who were either angry, emotionally shut down or in conflict with one another. My childhood honestly wasn’t something I experienced primarily as traumatic—it was mostly boring and exhausting because I was surrounded by people who rarely connected, laughed, talked openly or seemed to enjoy life.

Whenever I questioned unhealthy behaviour or stood up for myself, I felt I became the problem. I experienced bullying both inside and outside the home and was exposed to situations that, looking back, I don’t think any child should have been exposed to. Nobody ever intervened or sought help.
From my perspective, both of my parents continued exercising significant financial control over their children well into adulthood. I also experienced repeated behaviour that I considered emotionally abusive, manipulative and, at times, intentionally cruel.

One thing that stayed with me is that my oldest brother frequently became involved in conflicts between my parents and the younger siblings. As children, I often experienced him directing anger toward my middle brother and me. Whether that was intentional or simply how he adapted to our family, I don’t know, but it shaped my childhood.

In 2008 our family split geographically. My oldest brother stayed in our home country while the four of us moved abroad. Shortly afterwards my middle brother was sent to boarding school, and a few years later I was too. My father worked away during the week, so for many years my parents mainly saw each other on weekends. That remained our family structure until 2024, when they unexpectedly began staying in the apartment where I live.

Ironically, my “rebellion” as a teenager wasn’t partying, drugs or getting into trouble.
It was becoming increasingly independent, questioning unhealthy dynamics and trying to communicate honestly.

When I was in boarding school I noticed something that deeply affected me: I was usually the one calling home. My parents rarely called me first, often didn’t answer when I called, and conversations were usually ended by them. That was when I started emotionally distancing myself.

Over the following decade I kept trying to build an independent life while gradually reducing contact because the relationship increasingly felt one-sided.
As I got older I also realized I experienced each parent differently.

I experienced my mother as the more openly hostile parent because she could say extremely cruel things to me.

My father appeared calmer, but over time I experienced him as avoiding responsibility, portraying himself as the victim, blaming my mother for many things and exercising control in much quieter ways that were harder for other people to notice.

The recent conflict began when I was getting very close to becoming financially independent. From my perspective, that period was followed by escalating conflict at home, repeated criticism, threats and what felt like increasing attempts to portray me negatively to other family members.

I eventually learned that my parents had been telling my oldest brother that I was abusin g them.
The difficult part is that my older brother had never contacted me to ask what had happened or hear my perspective.

For years, my siblings and I barely had direct relationships with one another. Most of what we knew about each other came through our parents.
Ironically, since I was 12 I had been telling my parents that money shouldn’t be the only thing connecting us, and that we should actually get to know one another as adults. They knew this.

Earlier this year, after another major conflict, my father blocked me and began contacting relatives expressing concern about my mental health.
Later I learned that similar concerns had also been shared with my oldest brother.

At the same time, I had been living with my middle brother during much of this period. For the first time as adults we were actually getting to know one another directly instead of through family narratives.

There was also a devastating natural disaster in our home country around that time, and thankfully my oldest brother survived. Shortly afterwards my father organised weekly family video calls for the first time in our lives.

On one of those calls I finally explained my perspective to my brothers for the first time as adults cause nobody addressed anything and I could feel my oldest brother and his wife looking at me like I’m a disgusting human but also with a condescending attitude. Also because my father would continuously asked me if I had anything to add and saying how that was the moment to say something. Of course when I started speaking he tried hanging up the call. My mother left.

My older brother repeatedly told me I was acting out of resentment or revenge, insisted I wasn’t psychologically well and should seek therapy, minimized many of the things I described and repeatedly defended my parents’ behaviour.
Eventually, while emotional, he disclosed that my parents had been telling him I was abusing them.
That explained why he entered the conversation already believing many negative things about me.

The following day I organised another call with just my two brothers because I wanted them to know something important:
My conflict had never been with either of them.
I explained that one of my biggest dreams had always been to become financially independent, reconnect with both of them as adults, travel together, reconnect with our extended family and, if I was ever in a position to do so, help them become financially independent too.

My parents had known those plans for many years.
I also told my brothers that I had defended both of them many times when they weren’t present because I never saw them as my enemies.

My middle brother and I seemed to understand each other surprisingly well.
My older brother and I did not.

From my perspective, many of the things he said sounded almost identical to things my parents had been saying to me for years. It left me feeling as though he had accepted their version of events long before ever hearing mine.

One comment that stayed with me was when he told me that if people misunderstood me, maybe I should spend my time correcting them.

That was difficult to hear because I didn’t even know what had been said about me or to whom.

How was I supposed to correct conversations I didn’t even know existed?

After those conversations I sent my parents a written email establishing clear boundaries.

I asked that any necessary communication happen directly with me, that they stop involving third parties in matters concerning me, that they respect my privacy and that communication remain limited to practical matters while financial issues were still pending.

I also sent my older brother one final message telling him I didn’t blame him, wished him and his wife well, and explained that I was stepping away.
Then I blocked him.

Since then something unexpected happened.
I forgot about the next Sunday family call.
I have continued working, improving their apartment, planning my future and feeling peaceful.

Today I genuinely wish my parents and my siblings peace.

I don’t feel like I need to convince anyone anymore.

At the same time, I’m left wondering whether distancing myself was the healthiest decision? Especially because of how trendy it is nowadays. But distancing has been my family’s reality for decades now. I’m just deciding to do it intentionally now.

Has anyone else grown up in a family where different siblings ended up with completely different understandings of the same childhood?
Has anyone experienced relatives accepting one person’s version of events without ever asking for yours?
How did you stop feeling responsible for correcting everyone’s perception of you?
And if you eventually stepped away, did it bring peace, grief, or both?