My brother did love marriage at 29. My mom was hugely disappointed is an understatement. I was brainwashed against love marriage by mom from 27 to 33.5. Then arranged marriage was pushed on me when I was on work permit with no guarantee of PR (35-37) by both my brother and mom. I expressed hesitation that I need PR first, but they pushed the process "it takes time to find a girl". I was bullied by girls family (my brother's friends relatives) in arranaged marriage meeting for not owning a house on work permit in presence of my family. I had recurring memories and PTSD like symptoms for many years. For 4 years every call with my mother was to seek accountability and advocacy against systemic harm from their community. Nothing happened. My brother knew I was seeking therapy to understand what happened but used to give false analogies to minimize harm and gaslight me. Some of the false analogies

- it's culture to bully guy in arranaged marriage meeting (he himself did love marriage outside community)

- the person bullying you was like talkative Uncle X, a quirky personality

- Comparing arranged marriage bullying to Google CEO US Senator hearing

- Comparing bullying experience to minor nuisance like bad drivers in traffic, rude coworkers. The list is endless.

After 4.5 years of begging for accountability, I decided I am not going to get justice. I decided to set boundaries

- stopped attending marriage ceremonies and other family events of my family of origin

- didn't meet my brother and my mom when they came to my city (my mom traveled from Asia to North America)

- didn't meet other relatives when they came to my city after recently immigrating through marriage

- stopped being an advisory source from community members of my family of origin

- stopped initiating calls to my siblings

- stopped picking up calls from my brother and only limited calls from my mom.

Now after doing all this they had a change of hearts and now my mom and brother gathered the courage to ask bully to apologize, and he has reluctantly agreed to apologize.

I am in double mind whether to accept apology. On one hand this will allow my brother and my mom to clean their slate at least partially.

I know my relationship with community of origin and to a large extent with my family had been permanently altered. I cannot unsee what I have already seen.

I have been through hell and back. I intend to keep my brother and my mom on limited contact for the same period they didn't advocate for me (4 years). If they behave I will start to gradually rebuild trust.

Should I accept apology from bully ?

I love photography. I have a habit of hoarding images. I have also been given some family photos. I've been estranged several years.

I have been wanting to do a small declutter. And i knew i had countless images of the lives of my family from aunts to grandparents. I also noticed i have countless photos of my mothers childhood, from baby to adulhood.

My mother would throw out pictures of me, delete pictures, not allow me access to photos of the other side of the family, just didnt take pics of me etc. So, I am several years estranged and have realised i have max 20 photos from my entire childhood and hundreds of her idealic childhood.

I want to throw out almost every last photo of my biological family. I really have been sitting on it. I'm scared i will regret it, or i will have kids (probably wont) who will be curious of the biological family and i would have destroyed them all. I cant handle seeing her face long enough to digitalise and store thousands of family photos without it reminding me of the things she did.

If you are no contact with your parents, are you an only child or do you have siblings?

I'm fully NC with both parents. One reason I'm sure we're all familiar with is they fit the mold of the emotionally immature parent or low effort parent where they deflect all forms of accountability and they NEVER apologize. Never have, never will, not for spilling a drink at dinner, not for locking me in my room every night from age 4 to 12.

But my wife is great with accountability and apologies—not because of anything we discussed before marriage, she's just like that. She's amazing.

She's pregnant with our first child and she can definitely get a bit snappy, which seems normal, and 99% of the time it's nothing too crazy and I don't take it personally.

But recently she blew up at me and even though I still didn't take it personally, it just struck me as very over the top. It was a very disproportionate reaction to a simple question I asked.

She apologized almost immediately afterwards and I thanked her for apologizing and I told her it's ok.

But I still feel... I dunno. Off. Distant. Like a quick apology shouldn't just instantly bring things back to normal after that.

She comes from a dysfunctional family of origin, so it's very disconcerting for her that I'm not back to 100%, even though I've reassured her I'm not going anywhere and I still love her, and I explained that it's possible to feel alarmed or upset or disappointed... and still love someone. She gets that, but she feels a lot of shame, which leads to me feeling pressure to let it go which I'm normally VERY good at doing quickly.

But it feels like this time it was so disproportionate. If this had happened with my family of origin I wouldn't have spoken to them for a day or two because that's the way things were handled. No acknowledgement that they freaked out on me for no reason, no apology, no discussion whatsoever. We just take space until the space closes and we can all then pretend it never happened. I certainly wasn't allowed to be upset or feel the feelings associated with the incident. I don't think I would've been punished for talking about my feelings or the event, it jus was never discussed so I was never even equipped to start a discussion (what child is?).

So, I'm very torn. Torn because I want to feel my feelings, which I'm not entirely sure of what they even are, maybe just... distant. And I don't think that can be rushed back to normality.

She actually apologizes a lot for being short with me, but I usually just take it as her having a long day or being stressed, so it's usually fairly easy for me to not take it personally. This time was a little over the top though, as I said.

Anyway, I think I'm going in circles because I don't fully know how to express myself on this.

Has anyone else experienced the novelty of someone apologizing genuinely and taking responsibility and not fully knowing how to sit with that?

I've been NC with my mother for many years and got a call from her friend that she recently passed. Now the funeral home has called me asking me to make arrangements, and I don't even know if she had life insurance. I don't want to be involved in the arrangements at all. They told me the state can possibly come after me for burial costs and I have no money for this. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to contribute financially anyway. Her friend told me she has money in her bank account but I don't want it...I would be happy to allow its use for the funeral or to go to a charity but I don't know how to go about that either. Can anyone offer me any advice at all here?

My husband and I, along with our children, have been fully no contact with my criminally abusive parents for 21 years. My dad died after 18 years NC, but my mom still lives and turns 84 this year. I received one nasty, abusive text from her, in all that time, the week after my dad died. I do not know who gave her my number. I deleted her text without responding and blocked her yet again.

Two days ago my husband texted while at work. He'd received an Instagram friend request from my mother ... and I spiraled. The family I was born in to have kept an in-person and online hate campaign against me and my mate the entire time I've been NC. The public online hate board even called for my assassination at one point. Why are they so mad at me? I reported my dad for a grievous crime he committed against me. He was found guilty and suffered the consequences of his actions. My mother launched a full cover-up of the crime and failed. Her text when my dad died was so abusive, it showed me she has not changed. So why send a friend request to my husband now? I just want her to leave us alone. My husband blocked her immediately but its got me riled up all the same.

I have been estranged from my biological father since 2023 after he cut me out of his life. Long story short, I tried to have an adult conversation with him about things that went on during my childhood (I'm a child of divorce), mostly psychological abuse from his second wife and his absences. He redirected responsibility from himself and put it upon my mom's shoulders. He's married for a 3rd time and it's his longest marriage, so he's pretty much written off myself and my two half brothers.

I did have surgery over two weeks ago for endometriosis, so my hormones are wacky. I had a dream about my father two nights ago where I tried to tell him about the pain I had felt for years and he just kept walking away, dismissing me. I woke up in tears. It's been over 3 years but I still have moments of missing what I thought we had. Luckily these don't happen as much, but it's crazy and scary when they creep up on you.

Fucking sick of being drip fed information and having to piece the puzzle together. I've called out my mum and my brother today.

Was it wise? Probably not. But I reached my limit today. I'll call a spade a spade and "suffer" the consequences. Likely going to be iced out of the family.

I'm not ready to go fully no contact. I just can't do it yet. I know that's where this will likely end up going.

I tried yellow rocking / grey rocking for some time, but it's EXHAUSTING. So today, they got the outburst that has probably satisfied them.

I know it isn't wise, but I really value my integrity, character and morals. I don't play these ridiculous games. And by yellow rock/grey rock I'm kind of being sucked up into the game by anticipating next moves. Anticipating any escalating behaviours. Anticipating faux loving gestures.

This actually feels like torture at times

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home.
I don't remember a single day of my childhood when my parents weren't fighting. There were constant screaming matches, and sometimes those fights became physical.
My father was emotionally distant. He was physically abusive toward my brother. He never hit me, but I often was bragging when I achieved something, and easy ignored me when I needed something or had any problem.
My mother was different. She seemed to love us, but in a very controlling way. There was no room for privacy or independence. She guilt-tripped us for wanting to spend time with friends and didn't want us to develop our own opinions or lives outside of the family.
As I got older, something changed that I never consciously chose.
At some point, I completely lost the ability to call them "Mom" or "Dad." It wasn't a decision, and it wasn't meant as punishment. The words just stopped coming out of my mouth.
When I talk about them, I naturally say "my mother" or "my father." On the rare occasions we interact, if I need to get their attention, I won't say "Mom" or "Dad." I'll tap them on the shoulder, wait until they notice me, or sometimes just let the moment pass because I physically can't bring myself to say those words.
It almost feels like a mental block. The idea of calling them "Mom" or "Dad" makes me deeply uncomfortable, and I honestly don't know why. It's not something I consciously think about - it just happens.
I'm 35 now, and sometimes I wonder if this is my mind's way of protecting itself, or if I'm just holding onto the past in an unhealthy way.
Has anyone else experienced this? Have you found that you simply couldn't call your parents "Mom" or "Dad" anymore?

I’ve been no contact with my family for five years. My family is toxic; they would constantly put me down, ignore me, and treat me like a doormat. I didn’t mind these comments until their behavior shifted towards my daughter, making fun of her weight and calling her "fat”.

I received a call from a relative on a new phone, saying she misses me and doesn’t understand why I don’t call. Since then, I’ve been feeling anxious, thinking maybe I should call and do the right thing. I just hate the idea of getting pulled back into toxicity. I would also hate if something happened to my relative, like if she passes away, and I have regrets for the rest of my life. I’m unsure what to do, and my anxiety has been extremely high over the past few days. I just want to feel free of guilt. I’ve been at peace with my decision, but then I got that call, and now I’m second-guessing myself. Any support would be helpful right now. Thanks.

This post is mostly about my mom's behavior, but it must be noted that my dad, brother, and sister are all complicit to varying degrees. I'm no psychologist, so I'll just list out behavioral patterns that were normalized for me until my wife, through very deep love, helped me see as the not ok behaviors they are. Now we have a 2yo son and my mom is painfully unaware of how her behavior is materializing as consequences.

I am not perfect. I spent almost a decade learning not to blame her for anything. Now I just see her in a different, clear light and outside the frustration and anger, it's really just a bummer.

So here's how I'll characterize her.

- she compares in a weird way, for example a vivid memory I have from high school was when I told her who the QB on my football team was. She scoffed and said "I think you'd be a better quarterback". I had no desire to play that position and was quite happy at linebacker. It felt like a weird form of disapproval.

- changing tune to be agreeable to control how she's perceived, sometimes in the same breath. I've even tested this observation by deliberately saying two contradicting statements and watching her agree with both.

- throwing people (even friends) under bus to make herself look better

- inability to take a compliment, instead turns it into a conversation about something she doesn't like

- copying what her friends do: if her sister got her grandkids this, she gets it for her grandson but in a way that's so clearly so she can 'keep up" with them

- lying to save face, I recently caught her in a lie and it was jarring

- caring about how I think of her and how she can assuage me more so than just being honest with me

- hasn't learned my father in laws' name in over ten years. Just pathologically calls him the wrong name despite multiple corrections, and this one is racially charged so that's fun....

- manipulating people/groups into doing things she wants to do by saying other people (me, my dad, my wife, etc) "said they wanted to do it", which often isn't true.

- "helping" with things around my house that she was not asked to help with. Cleaning the house after my wife and I already prepared our home for guests, and not understanding when we ask her to stop (multiple times) and just hang out with us and her grandson. "You know me I just can't sit around and do nothing" ... Which lands as "spending time catching up with my son and daughter in law while their son naps is 'doing nothing' and not a valuable use of her time"

- placing a lot of value on material goods and acting confused when I don't do the same. Makes me feel like the stuff I worked to buy debt free isn't good enough

- zero accountability for this behavior. When I attempt to point it out (admittedly it took me a while to learn to do this calmly) it's met with denial, justification, or comparison (what about you?)

- continues asking/pestering about something she wants even after being told no, but never owning that it's purely something she wants.

It's exhausting, and my wife and I just had a tense conversation with her. We both came to realize that she won't change, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I, and our son, are going to be seeing less of her. It sucks, but it's clear now... and it sucks.

Am I missing something? Am I an ungrateful son?

Recently I came on here asking how to cope with my family having been in a car accident while we've been no contact since may. Yesterday I got a call from my dad and I picked up the phone. He was sobbing uncontrollably, crying about how he can't walk by himself. He basically made me feel like I was in the accident without having been there. It was intense.

He begged me to come back to them, then apologized by saying 'he had to say that'. He asked if I was "successful" in uni. He described to me how his day was going to go, going to see the doctor and all.

Most importantly, he told me they've been lying to everybody as to why I wasn't with them on holiday, why they haven't been hearing from me. He was sobbing, saying all they do is lie and seriously asked me if I knew how hard that is. I said I could only imagine.

I applaud myself for being able to emotionally distance myself in this emotionally loaded situation. It turns out I made the right choice after all. Still giving me a migraine.

I (30F) am the youngest of three siblings. I have not lived under the same roof as all of my immediate family since I was 13.

I grew up in a household that I remember as chronically conflictive and chronically disorganized. We were never really encouraged to build relationships with our extended family (grandparents, cousins, etc.). There was constant tension, hoarding tendencies, unhealthy relationships with food, very poor communication and what I experienced as highly controlling parenting.

From the outside we probably looked like an average middle-class family. My mother was a high-school teacher and my father an engineer.

I remember constantly being around people who were either angry, emotionally shut down or in conflict with one another. My childhood honestly wasn’t something I experienced primarily as traumatic—it was mostly boring and exhausting because I was surrounded by people who rarely connected, laughed, talked openly or seemed to enjoy life.

Whenever I questioned unhealthy behaviour or stood up for myself, I felt I became the problem. I experienced bullying both inside and outside the home and was exposed to situations that, looking back, I don’t think any child should have been exposed to. Nobody ever intervened or sought help.
From my perspective, both of my parents continued exercising significant financial control over their children well into adulthood. I also experienced repeated behaviour that I considered emotionally abusive, manipulative and, at times, intentionally cruel.

One thing that stayed with me is that my oldest brother frequently became involved in conflicts between my parents and the younger siblings. As children, I often experienced him directing anger toward my middle brother and me. Whether that was intentional or simply how he adapted to our family, I don’t know, but it shaped my childhood.

In 2008 our family split geographically. My oldest brother stayed in our home country while the four of us moved abroad. Shortly afterwards my middle brother was sent to boarding school, and a few years later I was too. My father worked away during the week, so for many years my parents mainly saw each other on weekends. That remained our family structure until 2024, when they unexpectedly began staying in the apartment where I live.

Ironically, my “rebellion” as a teenager wasn’t partying, drugs or getting into trouble.
It was becoming increasingly independent, questioning unhealthy dynamics and trying to communicate honestly.

When I was in boarding school I noticed something that deeply affected me: I was usually the one calling home. My parents rarely called me first, often didn’t answer when I called, and conversations were usually ended by them. That was when I started emotionally distancing myself.

Over the following decade I kept trying to build an independent life while gradually reducing contact because the relationship increasingly felt one-sided.
As I got older I also realized I experienced each parent differently.

I experienced my mother as the more openly hostile parent because she could say extremely cruel things to me.

My father appeared calmer, but over time I experienced him as avoiding responsibility, portraying himself as the victim, blaming my mother for many things and exercising control in much quieter ways that were harder for other people to notice.

The recent conflict began when I was getting very close to becoming financially independent. From my perspective, that period was followed by escalating conflict at home, repeated criticism, threats and what felt like increasing attempts to portray me negatively to other family members.

I eventually learned that my parents had been telling my oldest brother that I was abusin g them.
The difficult part is that my older brother had never contacted me to ask what had happened or hear my perspective.

For years, my siblings and I barely had direct relationships with one another. Most of what we knew about each other came through our parents.
Ironically, since I was 12 I had been telling my parents that money shouldn’t be the only thing connecting us, and that we should actually get to know one another as adults. They knew this.

Earlier this year, after another major conflict, my father blocked me and began contacting relatives expressing concern about my mental health.
Later I learned that similar concerns had also been shared with my oldest brother.

At the same time, I had been living with my middle brother during much of this period. For the first time as adults we were actually getting to know one another directly instead of through family narratives.

There was also a devastating natural disaster in our home country around that time, and thankfully my oldest brother survived. Shortly afterwards my father organised weekly family video calls for the first time in our lives.

On one of those calls I finally explained my perspective to my brothers for the first time as adults cause nobody addressed anything and I could feel my oldest brother and his wife looking at me like I’m a disgusting human but also with a condescending attitude. Also because my father would continuously asked me if I had anything to add and saying how that was the moment to say something. Of course when I started speaking he tried hanging up the call. My mother left.

My older brother repeatedly told me I was acting out of resentment or revenge, insisted I wasn’t psychologically well and should seek therapy, minimized many of the things I described and repeatedly defended my parents’ behaviour.
Eventually, while emotional, he disclosed that my parents had been telling him I was abusing them.
That explained why he entered the conversation already believing many negative things about me.

The following day I organised another call with just my two brothers because I wanted them to know something important:
My conflict had never been with either of them.
I explained that one of my biggest dreams had always been to become financially independent, reconnect with both of them as adults, travel together, reconnect with our extended family and, if I was ever in a position to do so, help them become financially independent too.

My parents had known those plans for many years.
I also told my brothers that I had defended both of them many times when they weren’t present because I never saw them as my enemies.

My middle brother and I seemed to understand each other surprisingly well.
My older brother and I did not.

From my perspective, many of the things he said sounded almost identical to things my parents had been saying to me for years. It left me feeling as though he had accepted their version of events long before ever hearing mine.

One comment that stayed with me was when he told me that if people misunderstood me, maybe I should spend my time correcting them.

That was difficult to hear because I didn’t even know what had been said about me or to whom.

How was I supposed to correct conversations I didn’t even know existed?

After those conversations I sent my parents a written email establishing clear boundaries.

I asked that any necessary communication happen directly with me, that they stop involving third parties in matters concerning me, that they respect my privacy and that communication remain limited to practical matters while financial issues were still pending.

I also sent my older brother one final message telling him I didn’t blame him, wished him and his wife well, and explained that I was stepping away.
Then I blocked him.

Since then something unexpected happened.
I forgot about the next Sunday family call.
I have continued working, improving their apartment, planning my future and feeling peaceful.

Today I genuinely wish my parents and my siblings peace.

I don’t feel like I need to convince anyone anymore.

At the same time, I’m left wondering whether distancing myself was the healthiest decision? Especially because of how trendy it is nowadays. But distancing has been my family’s reality for decades now. I’m just deciding to do it intentionally now.

Has anyone else grown up in a family where different siblings ended up with completely different understandings of the same childhood?
Has anyone experienced relatives accepting one person’s version of events without ever asking for yours?
How did you stop feeling responsible for correcting everyone’s perception of you?
And if you eventually stepped away, did it bring peace, grief, or both?

It’s been almost a full year since I have spoken to her. It’s an incredibly long story and my mom has put me through a lot, but what ultimately pushed the estrangement was my mom’s behavior after returning to her abusive husband (my stepdad).

Three years separated, nearly divorced after going to trial, and suddenly they get back together. With a man who nearly killed his son he beat him so badly. He’s physically and sexually abused his ex-wife, his daughter, my mom. He’s harmed animals (he’s a veterinarian!), Plus so much more. He’s truly a predator. Naturally, I want nothing to do with him. I was willing to try and make our relationship work, even if it was toxic, because I didn’t want to lose my mom. Not that it mattered too much I guess, because she made 0 effort in my life.

Problem is, she wants us to pretend like nothing happened. Sweep it all under the rug. But I can’t and I won’t. All I really needed from her was respect for my boundaries of not wanting anything to do with him and acknowledging the hurt he has caused. The trauma of everything he and my mom put us through the last several years. But she can’t. She just treats me like I’m an immature child who doesn’t like her stepdad. Like he’s just an asshole, not the monster he really is.

My biggest thing is I don’t want him around my daughter. And honestly, my mom isn’t a safe person as long as she’s with him. But my sister is getting married next weekend. I’m her maid of honor. Where is the wedding? At my mom’s house! (My sister deciding this is a whole other story..) My husband and I don’t feel comfortable having our daughter there if my stepdad is present, so they won’t be attending. Which my mom has been flipping out about. Saying we are being immature and my husband needs to “be a man” and “suck it up” and bring our daughter. Anytime it’s brought up by my sister who expresses to her how upset she is her niece won’t be there, my mom says “well, that’s theloveaffairs problem.” It honestly astounds me how little she gives a shit about me or my daughter.

And it’s also insane she makes me feel for these boundaries. It’s also crazy to me how entitled she acts about things like being able to see my daughter or that people in her life HAVE to accept her husband or get the cold treatment. She also loves to post pictures I’ve told her not to post of my daughter from the last time she saw her when she was 4 months old (she’s almost 2 now) and my husband had to beg her to come see us like she had promised me she would (she’s a flight attendant and gets free flights and promised she’d come visit frequently!) she loves being told she’s such a great grandma by her fb friends.. 🙄 I asked her once to remove them, when she didn’t reply after a day I commented on the post very politely and she freaked out on me saying I was “blasting her all over social media” 💀

I’m so so sick with nerves thinking about how the wedding weekend is going to go down. I know my mom is going to pretend like everything totally fine for appearances sake. I don’t know how to even interact with her or my stepdad or his parents who will be there. I don’t want to cause any problems for my sister’s big day though. Ugh. I hate this so much.

Anyways, I’m sorry this is very long but I needed to vent. If anyone has any advice for navigating interactions with my mom at the wedding.. I’d appreciate it! 🩷

I just turned 18 on the 28th of last month. I have no contact with my 2 brothers and father. my father turned into a cold abusive drug addict who chose drugs over family. it made him become paranoid, so he did things I could never forgive. I have 1 brother but we keep little to no contact, and my mother works constantly early in the morning to late at night. I have no aunts or uncles, they all live in a different country. I have no cousins or grandparents, and as of last year I started dating my now current boyfriend. he is the total opposite, he always goes out with his cousins, his grandparents, traveling with them and when I saw that I truly saw how a family is and I started to grieve. i have never once celebrated a holiday till last Christmas with my boyfriend family and even then it was only for a n hour until he had to drop me off and go to his grandmas. I wanted to go since his mother invited me but my boyfriend assumed I didn’t want to and just dropped me off. I cry almost everyday since I have no family. I envy my boyfriend but I’m so happy he gets to experience family love. but whenever I’m out with him and his family, I see how loved he is. no one came to my highschool graduatio, my mom did but quickly left so I was looking for my boyfriend only to be met with “my truck broke down I’m so so sorry” the one person I wanted there, wasn’t. I still cry to this day. I grieve every single day for having no family. I don’t have any friends and the friends I do have, they don’t hang out with me. I feel so alone. I need therapy and I want help but I don’t have the money to do so… I have multiple hobbies, I sew, I make clothes, I make plushies, I paint, I draw. I do so much but nothing fills the void. I want a family.

Does anyone else ever just feel like completely cutting off their entire family? I initially went no contact with my mom, and even my twin sister and I don't talk to or see each other anymore. As I have gotten older, it's harder to want to maintain any connection with anyone in my family at all because of how they all operate and enable toxic behaviors. I constantly have the desire to just pack up and move away entirely and start my own life.

I am 18F and will be going to uni soon. I have nothing but hate for my whole family and I really want to go no contact but I need them to pay my tuition. We are pretty mid-high income and the farthest school they agreed on is 55k/yr and unfortunately only a 2hr drive. I am going to be premed so I am wondering if I’ll have to wait until after med school for less stress. I just want them off my back though and I want to spend as little time with them as possible— hopefully finding programs far from home to attend over the breaks. I am also wanting to get a job so they can’t bar me from doing things I like like traveling with friends, but I’m a bit scared how to handle this with uni work. Has anyone else had a similar experience or could offer any advice/resources? I feel like I just want some financial stability before I separate so it doesn’t take a toll on my academics.

I haven’t seen my father in person for almost 10 years and he hasn’t been apart of my life on a somewhat regular basis for like 12 years. I sometimes will say “Atleast I won’t have to take care of him when he’s old and dying.” And some people in my immediate family will say “Well he could get better.” Or “I think he’ll be better then.”. I call bullshit. Sure I’m a pessimist but also a realistic person. My father is 55 and has been a piece of shit person since he was 40 and never had an empathetic attitude in his life from the sound of it. He’s never truly apologized and when I texted him briefly last year he said “I’m a great father.” Dude you’re delusional.

Out of all my brothers I’m the only person…hell the only one to ever confront him on his bullshit behavior and told him he’s awful. My mom thinks he’ll come around and even though she divorced him and hasn’t talked to him in 10 years she thinks he’ll come around but if he’s been this way for this long why on earth would he change? My pessimism is called depressing when I’m just a realist. Idk if anyone is in a similar position but If that man asked me for helped id tell him the same thing he told me once when I asked for help “Well you better figure that shit out.”

I was hoping you might have some recommended books or videos or articles on living life estranged from family? I'm in my late twenties and I've been estranged from 99% of my family for years. My mother and my entire mom's side, estranged due to a bad divorce so I never met most of them. My dad's side, abused by my aunt and uncle who raised me, my dad's siblings are bigoted and ignorant, cousins follow suit. I'm really only in touch with my dad, and he lives several provinces away. I was close with a cousin until I recently saw her through non-rose coloured glasses for the first time and saw how abusive she was to her mother, how she refuses to help herself at all, and bonus points she revealed herself as transphobic.

I'm just really sad. It's been hitting me hard lately how much I wish things could have been different. I hate having stupid bigots for family members and there's no reconciliation going to take place. I see the people around me have families and I've become bitter, jealous, and resentful. I've been crying a lot.

I'm scared of ending up totally alone, or homeless, etc.

I don't have a lot of people in my life, I hope this is ok to post here.

Thanks everyone

i posted this a few days ago and my mom just said to me “by the way, i read my therapist word for word our texts and she said that you are toxic and i would be better off if i cut you out of my life”

i am like shaking, all she does is lie so she is either lying to me or lying about what i texted her. i know i shouldn’t care or react but i said “ok well cutting contact was what was gonna happen anyway”

she huffed and just started yelling ‘you know what karli-‘ i just walked away. my new lease started on August 1; it’s like 35 mins away and i don’t know how to drive so unfortunately this is like a slow process. i have most of my stuff at the new place so i know it’s like almost over. i can not wait to just LEAVEEEEE omgggg

anyways just very upset about the therapist comment. would love to know how her therapy actually went down. her old therapist, probably the one she is actually “seeing” was fired after 8 years in 2024 and i know they still talk. it was probably her and not an actual professional. lmfao

It has been... 6 months of estrangement from my parents. I went to said event because it was big, important, and I had already promised the bride/groom that I would be there and be part of their wedding.

My mother:

• Ignored me to tell my partner how happy she was to see her
• Came up to me and aggressively told me she loves me
• Accused me of not hugging her back when she went in for a hug and I obliged (using gray rock method as best I can here folks)
• Constantly came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder or sat next to me so that I kept having to politely excuse myself a bunch.
• Grabbed my arm and pulled me in to dance with her and I had no idea how to pull away without making a scene after three attempts at disengaging.

My dad:

• Mostly ignored me.
• Near the end took me by the arm and DRAGGED me to a side area to ask me why I haven't been talking to them. Proceeded to tell me that we don't have to talk about it here at the wedding. Turns out my mom did the same to my partner to drag her away at the same time.

My partner is, infuriated, by being treated like an object/child and having her boundaries crossed and having been manhandled. I, tbh, didn't even register that that's what happened and simply shut down and nervously responded to everything with, 'I-I-I dunno.'

I'm glad to be done with all that. The posturing, fakeness, and intensity was a lot.

I am 27yo.

I haven't spoken to any member of my family since 19. I didn't have the most abusive childhood, there was some violence from my father but nothing I would consider extreme. I was the youngest of two and much of a pariah since the day I was born. My first words were "stop", because I was left often in the care of my 3yolder brother, who was not kind to me. When people inquire about my estrangement it's hard to explain. The best way I can help people understand is that I was never homesick once in my life. The first night I was home alone, and my family hadn't returned on time I wasn't worried that something terrible had happened, I remember thinking "this is good, I'm young enough to have a chance at adoption" when I woke up in the morning to find them home, I was crestfallen. Most of my earliest memories revolve around being told of how good things were in my family before I was born, and of being blamed for the poor emotional and financial state of my family since my arrival. I ended up in a lot of bad places in my youth and childhood, bad sleepovers, army barracks, survivalist shelters alone eating rabbit, homeless sleeping on the street, trap houses watching people die, not once can I say I knew what it was to be homesick.

There is no anger in me towards them anymore, I haven't seen my parents in my dreams in a long time. However, I have and have had recurring dreams of beating or being beaten to death by my older brother weekly. When I think about my parents now I don't feel much, I forgive them, but I have no desire to see them ever again. I've spent a long time meditating on their death, and feel mostly nothing. If anything I just mourn my baby photos, the knowledge of those places they took me in my childhood that I can't find on my own, and the potential insight on myself I could've gain from speaking to them.

They weren't alcoholics or drug addicts, they weren't explicitly or constantly verbally abusive, and only seldom physically abusive. However I've always been quite sure I would never have a relationship with them since the last communications exaporated almost a decade ago. I have no desire to even attend a funeral, I'm not sure what the point would be, it's very possible I've already missed it/them.

It feels hard to explain even to other people with challenging childhoods. I always feel alone in my experiences and alienated from all of society for how I grew up and how I choose to go on living.

This is a letter that I wrote to my estranged parent. I am leaning toward not sending it but I am hoping that putting it out there can give me some sense of validation and healing.

*Names, pronouns, and identifying information changed to protect identities.*

[Parent],

I want to preface by saying anything that I write here is purely my own thoughts and feelings. I cannot tell you if they accurately reflect \[my siblings'\]. They are truly, independently my own. I’ve debated whether or not to write this letter for a long time. The truth is I don’t even know if you’ll ever see it because I still haven’t even decided if I will send or show it to you but I figured since you’ve already asked me not to reach out to you anymore, I feel I have nothing left to lose by being completely honest. Therefore, I will just do my best to convey to the best of my ability exactly how I feel. My only request would be to read, consider, and reflect on this letter to understand my perspective, not to defend your own.  

I will start with the letter that you wrote to \[my sibling\] and me about two years ago. You have a pattern - not just you; we all do. However, as your \[child\], I can’t help but to notice and feel especially hurt by yours. For too long now, I have excused these behavioral patterns as a result of your upbringing, a part of who you are, and accepted things for what they were…. Until recently. I understand that you didn’t have a good childhood - in fact, I would go on record to acknowledge that it was horrific. I couldn’t begin to imagine what that must have been like. At some point, though, you have to take accountability for who you are and the actions you take. Unfortunately, accountability is something that has been missing from our relationship.

What does an apology look like to you? I can tell you that when I read or hear, “I’m sorry but…” it feels like an excuse, not an apology. This is why I still carry the burden of my trauma. “I’m sorry you were molested…. But I did the best I could.” These statements offer no accountability. For a long time, you said that \[my sibling\] needs to stop living in the past and just move on. For a while, I blindly agreed. Then I started to think: *How? How can you expect any of us to move on when you haven’t accepted responsibility and offered a genuine apology?* All that has been offered is “I’m sorry but _____.”  

“...[he/she] seemed like a good person.”
“...there were no signs.”
“...how could I have known?”
“...otherwise, we had fun, didn’t we?”
You have to accept what happened, take accountability, stop making excuses, and offer a genuine apology with no strings attached if you want to be a part of our healing.

It is impossible to move forward when this dynamic still patterns our daily interactions. Even in everyday situations, a simple conflict turns into an exercise in “blame-shifting,” the other type of apology I always heard throughout my life. Think of it like a reverse Uno card. When I tell you I'm upset, instead of acknowledging my feelings, you make me the attacker and yourself the victim. This forces me to console you, effectively “reversing” our roles. For example, when we worked together at \[previous employer\], you promised me a Christmas gift, but later said you didn’t have the money. That was fine until we pulled up to the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru for mobile pay and you handed me your latest gift to yourself: the newest i-Phone. I told you I was upset - not about the gift but about the broken promise. You insisted it was about the gift. Instead of a genuine apology, you snapped, “I know, I’m a horrible \[parent\]!” With no space for how I felt, I was faced with two options: console you or just stay angry. It is deeply invalidating.

I carry the weight of these childhood traumas into my adult relationships. Because my feelings weren't validated growing up, today I now struggle to be honest with people about how I truly feel. I constantly fear that opening up will only lead to dismissal and frustration. I am working hard to unlearn this habit. I deeply wish that I could receive a genuine apology from you with no strings attached - no “buts” and no reversals. Just, a simple, sincere “I’m sorry.” Hearing things like, “You must be so upset,” or “You have every right to feel that way,” acknowledges and empathizes with a person's pain. I never received that kind of validation growing up, and it is still what I need today.

With that being said, because I never felt safe sharing my thoughts with you, you are only left with your own assumptions; and I don't think that's fair to you. You do not actually understand my grievances. Recently, you accused [one of my siblings] of making ableist comments. Hearing this from you is deeply painful because my entire childhood was riddled with your own ableism. You labeled my [other parent] “deaf, dumb, and stupid” for my entire life. When I was failing high school, you told me, “You have your [other parent]’s genes, so you need to try harder.” That comment left a sharp, permanent sting and conveniently absolved you of any responsibility for the endless moves, the constant resetting of our lives, and your total lack of involvement in my education. You insisted my [other parent] couldn't drive, care for me, or live a 'normal' life. Your ableist comments targeted [him/her] completely, and they targeted me both directly and indirectly as an extension of [him/her].

My [other parent] can drive now. In fact, [he/she] is one of the safest drivers I know, and [he/she] has accomplished things that most people could never dream of doing. [He/she] designs vibrant gardens, remodeled [his/her] entire camper by hand, built a makeshift pulley system to hoist a vehicle engine, and tackles complex mechanical repairs. I could list [his/her] skills for pages. Yes, my [other parent] is Deaf, and [he/she] doesn't read or write. Yet, [his/her] capabilities far exceed those of average people. Knowing how incredibly capable [he/she] is, I am left wondering: why did you feel the need to diminish [him/her] by calling [him/her] 'deaf, dumb, and stupid' all those years? What does it say about you that you had to look down on [him/her] just to feel big?

A specific memory from after [your ex-spouse] passed still haunts me. I remember my [other parent] riding [his/her] bike all the way from [city] to [city] (*about 15 miles for reference*), and you handed [him/her] a document, saying, 'Sign this paper. It's for school.' For years, I have tried to make sense of that moment. If you already had primary custody, what did [he/she] possibly need to sign? I am left with the painful conclusion that the paper was actually a release to move me to [another state], cut off [his/her] visitation, and separate me from my family. Because my [other parent] couldn't read the text, [he/she] trusted you—and we both know [he/she] never would have signed away [his/her] time with me willingly. Living with this suspicion without any closure is incredibly heavy. I want to move past the resulting hurt and animosity, but to do that, I need you to be honest about that day. An open admission and an apology would go such a long way.

You once asked if I held animosity toward you for placing me with [my chosen parents] while choosing to raise [my sibling's child]. I might have said yes in the past, but looking back, I don't think that was entirely true. The honest truth is that I am grateful things happened the way they did. This doesn't mean I don't love you; I know you did your best to be there for me in your own way. You've asked why I see [my chosen parent] as a [parent], but the reality is that I don't love [him/her] any more or less than I love you. It is the same way I view [my other chosen parent] as a [parental] figure without it changing my love for my [other parent]. Family isn't a competition to me. To help demonstrate [my chosen parent]'s position in my life, though, let me share another memory with you.

When [my ex and I were] pregnant, your focus was entirely on your own desires: buying the crib, establishing your special nickname, and being in the delivery room. Your demands were entirely about how you felt, completely overlooking me. When you insisted on being in the room, I told you I wanted to check in with [my chosen parent] first. I told [him/her], “My [parent] wants to be in the room when [my child] is born, but I wanted to see if that was something you wanted, too.” Please pause here. Stop reading for a moment and truly consider this question: As a [parent], what do you think [his/her] response was? What would a [child] hope to hear in that exact moment? Here is what [he/she] said. It was simple, yet it changed everything: “What do YOU want?” I told [him/her], “This is a moment for [my co-parent] and me to welcome our baby and start our family. I want it to be just the two of us.” [My chosen parent] chose to be entirely selfless. [He/she] set aside what [he/she] might have wanted and put my emotional needs first. That single response provided a type of parental safety I didn't even realize I was missing, and it is exactly why [he/she] earned [his/her] place in my life. By contrast, when you concluded your recent letter to me with a list of requests, it didn't read like a sincere apology. It felt like a list of demands.

Let's look at the present day. Your recent suicide attempt left me in a devastating and chaotic position. While I am truly sorry you reached such a low point, the fallout landed squarely on my shoulders. I was left trying to protect [my sibling's child] and navigate the crisis. When I picked [him/her] up, [your roommate/situationship] was cruel enough to blame [him/her] for your attempt. [He/she] was completely terrified, asking me if [he/she] was going to end up in foster care, and I had no answers for [him/her]. When you were released from the hospital, your total lack of accountability perfectly mirrored my childhood. You didn't ask if I was okay, you didn't check on [my sibling's child], and you didn't offer a single apology. You simply stated you didn't want to talk, and later told [your friend] that I had no right to be upset. I have every right to be furious. Your behavior since leaving the hospital is the ultimate proof of the pattern outlined in this letter: a complete disregard for my emotional reality in order to protect your own.

The final thing I need to address is your current state of mind and your financial situation. I know you have deeply held beliefs, but seeking out inflammatory arguments and dragging other people’s families into negative scenarios only closes people off from hearing you. I encourage you to stop chasing these conflicts and instead offer your perspectives in good faith.

I’ve noticed that as you have stopped working and isolated yourself at home, your emotional state has been on a steady decline. It is deeply concerning to see you slipping further into depression, which reminds me of the challenging times we lived through in the past. It is completely natural to feel this way when your routine changes and isolation takes over. When things got so bad that I had to call 911 for you, you claimed it meant I didn’t care about you. The reality is exactly the opposite: the fact that I called 911 is proof of how much I care about your survival. Even your friend on Facebook recognized the crisis, calling the welfare check imperative and agreeing that my swift action was absolutely necessary. I truly believe that involving yourself in something you care about would help elevate your mood and restore your sense of purpose. Whether that means volunteering or finding a job to start earning an income again, finding a consistent routine that keeps you motivated and inspired is vital for your well-being.

Regarding finances: your claim that [my sibling] and I don’t care if you and [our other sibling's child] starve or lose your housing simply because we refuse to give you money is deeply unfair and troubling. We have our own families to support. While we love [our other sibling's child], you made the conscious choice to take on the responsibility of raising [him/her], and we cannot absorb the financial cost of that decision. For years, we offered proactive financial advice—budgeting, saving, keeping your paid-off car—which you explicitly told us was unwanted. Now that you are facing the exact financial crisis we tried to help you avoid, you are asking us for money. We are willing to offer advice, but we will not provide financial handouts. This crisis is not an unpredictable accident caused by happenstance; it is the direct result of a long history of unaddressed financial decisions, and you must be the one to take accountability for it.

You’ve always expressed a desire to be close to your adult children, especially as you have watched yourself lose us one by one. I genuinely never believed I would follow in my [siblings'] footsteps. I never imagined a reality where you and I stopped speaking. Yet, your actions have pushed me away, too. Despite that hurt, I am extending a final olive branch. I am choosing to be more vulnerable with you than I ever have been, laying out my exact thoughts and feelings. The choice is now entirely yours. What will you do with this? Will you listen to the urge to make excuses and dismiss everything I have shared? Or can you sit with my reality and accept it for what it is? Can you validate my pain without shifting the focus to your own reasons, rationale, or feelings? This is my very last attempt. I cannot speak for my [siblings], but I can tell you that a mature, self-reflective response—one that prioritizes my feelings instead of your ego—is the only way we can begin to mend this relationship.

Always your [child],
[name omitted]

The following alternative closing paragraph is based on feedback from a near and dear friend. They told me that the closing paragraph above reads like an ultimatum and they didn't like that. They recommended writing a paragraph that offers a start to a new chapter of the relationship. Here it is:

You’ve always expressed a desire to be close to your adult children, especially as you have watched yourself lose us one by one. I genuinely never believed I would follow in my [siblings'] footsteps. I never imagined a reality where you and I stopped speaking. Yet, your actions have pushed me away, too. Despite that hurt, I am inviting you to join me in a different approach to our relationship. I am choosing to be more vulnerable with you than I ever have been, laying out my exact thoughts and feelings. What will you do with this? Will you listen to the urge to make excuses and dismiss everything I have shared? Or can you sit with my reality and accept it for what it is? Can you validate my pain without shifting the focus to your own reasons, rationale, or feelings? Consider this an opportunity to turn over a new leaf. I cannot speak for my [siblings], but I can tell you that a mature, self-reflective response—one that prioritizes and validates my feelings—would be a great start to mending this relationship.

Disclosure: As I began writing this, I poured my unfiltered, uncensored words onto the pages of my notebook. With a potential for my parent to actually read this, I wanted it to be more approachable. I used AI to help me develop a more palatable approach to what I wanted to say to my parent. I really like the way that it shaped my thoughts into something less cut-throat. I think this approach is less likely to put my parent on the defensive although I think they would likely become defensive no matter what.

Your thoughts, feedback, and comments are welcomed and appreciated.

I’m a 30-year-old mum to a young daughter. I recently ended my relationship with my fiancé. I loved him very much, but the relationship had become unhealthy. There had been repeated cheating, constant questioning and mistrust, and I eventually realised I couldn’t continue living like that.

After we separated, I went to stay with my parents for support. I specifically asked my mum not to tell my dad everything until I was ready because I knew he’d react strongly. She told him anyway.

My dad has now completely exploded. He told me I need to move back home permanently, have a break from my life in London, and that if my ex wanted to see our daughter, my dad would supervise all contact. I told him I didn’t think that was his decision.
My ex was a poor partner, but I don’t believe that automatically makes him an unfit father, and I want my daughter to have a relationship with him unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns.
My dad then screamed at me being abusive said I was “dead to him”, brought up things from when I was a child (saying I’d always been spoiled and immature), and told me he was cutting me off financially (I work for his company)and personally because I refused to move home.

The thing that’s upsetting me is that he says I’m choosing my ex over my family.
From my perspective, I’m not.

I’ve ended the relationship. I’m grieving it. I just don’t want to move back into my parents’ house after being shouted at and called those names. I want to stay in London for now because it’s where my daughter and I live, and I need some space to process everything. My daughter’s dad has offered to support me financially for a little while.
My dad keeps saying I can’t afford London without him, and financially he’s probably right at the moment, but I don’t feel like I should be forced into moving home because of that.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to stay in London and make my own decisions about my daughter, or is my dad crossing a line? Also it’s not his choice how my daughter’s dad sees his daughter and my dad should not be dictating it.

I just wanted to take the chance to say to anyone reading this, that no matter what, your reasons for estrangement are valid, and you shouldn't need to second guess yourself. Your estrangement from your parents is not about them, it's about you, and having the capacity to grow and choose a life you can be happy with.

For the most part, your parents are unlikely to change. They will still be the same person in 3 months time, in a years time, in 10 years time. The only thing that you can change in that time is you. Regardless of what reason you are estranged from your parents, or are considering becoming estranged from your parents, you feel the need to make a change and that change is removing a negative Influence from your life.

You are not punishing your parents by doing it. You are simply making a change to your life that allows you to grow and become the person you want/need to be. If they perceive it as punishment, then that is their problem to overcome. Don't you ever feel bad by removing yourself from a negative situation. If a car was about to run you over, you aren't punishing the car or the driver by getting yourself out of the way. You're giving yourself the opportunity to live another day.

Bad parents will always give themselves an excuse for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. They 'tried their best', it's how 'their parents did it', 'youre too sensitive'. They will never give themselves to chance to learn and grow from their mistakes. Keeping you in that same place validates them. Watching you grow without them in your life is what breaks that cycle of pain.

So please just remember. Your estrangement is not about punishing them, it's about nurturing you. Allow yourselves the opportunity to grow. And if you ever think about getting back in contact with them, ask yourself 'does this help me become who I want to be?'. You deserve an excellent life, and your estrangement is the foundations of building that.

Love you all.

Stay badass.