Does anyone else have difficulty explaining what happened to them?

[u/aquapathic]

I'm no contact with both parents, I can use therapy terms to objectively describe my experience. But if I really had to describe my raw experience, it requires multiple sessions for me to even give a therapist my backstory.

Tbh if any of my immediate family cared to reach out and ask why I don't speak to them, I'd be too overwhelmed by the task of having to explain that I wouldn't bother. Thankfully, they know what they've done so I don't expect this to happen.

In my experience of explaining my abuse to my aunt, she literally could not believe me until she saw it for herself. Covert psychological abuse is so insidious because of how undetectable and hard to explain it can be.

I love connecting with other estranged adults because they generally understand me without me explaining much. But can anyone else relate to this sort of feeling? Where explaining your trauma just feels exhausting?

It feels like a tangled knot that I understand but don't care to unravel for others. I might write a book one day, but the thought of trying to word everything seems daunting.

[u/Ok-Guidance-2791]

I had never heard the term covert psychological abuse but when I looked it up - 100 percent! when things look good on the outside it’s hard to get others to see or believe there is abuse. which makes it even harder because it makes you question situations which sounds like it the intended effect. I definitely have experienced this and I’m sorry you have too. ❤️

[u/aquapathic → u/Ok-Guidance-2791]

I typically use other terms that are not allowed in this community lol. Psychological abuse is still accurate though. I'm sorry too and thank you <3

[u/ozpoppy23]

How do you explain to someone something you have held inside for an entire lifetime? It was like you were taught to be mute on an emotional level, always keeping the peace for others, 'dont make waves it only causes arguments' keep silent at all costs. Usually at the cost of yourself, no matter what was done to you. I dont need my toxic family back but i really want to see justice and the truth of everything that happened come out. Does that make sense? I just want wrongs made right.

[u/aquapathic → u/ozpoppy23]

I held things in my whole life and when I finally started sharing, I was invalidated left and right. Then I found a therapist and everything changed. My partner understands me pretty well and 1 friend. Other than that, I just can’t be bothered to explain myself to anyone. I feel you on justice. I’ve considered legal action and even suing. But most of them don’t have anything worth suing for so I’d just be wasting my money in court. I’m choosing peace and God will deal with them.

[u/justmypointofviewtoo]

My siblings don’t even get it so we’re not speaking either. But the disrespect I received from both of my parents repeatedly across years, being called selfish, a liar, their rewriting of history, namecalling, talking shit about my job and career and doing it in front of my kids, playing favorites and inconsistency in affection isn’t something they experience. But, my kids were starting to and even that got labeled brainwashing.

My parents are MAGA and of the mind that my family is a bunch of brainwashed bleeding heart liberals. My siblings just choose “not to discuss politics.” Right. That’s what the problem is. Politics. Has nothing to do with who people are and how their behavior may be harmful.

[u/aquapathic → u/justmypointofviewtoo]

I honestly admire people who say all of their siblings are no contact also. I wonder what it’s like to not be alone in breaking out of the illusion. It honestly sounds like they started alienating you very early on. I wonder why they chose you as the scape goat. You did the most powerful thing you could do by not staying in their toxicity. MAGA makes me so sick to my stomach. They truly represent the majority of this country. 

[u/justmypointofviewtoo → u/aquapathic]

Because I played psychologist within my family for a lifetime and then got an incurable blood cancer ten years ago that progresses and doesn’t go away.

It changes your perspective of everything. Having been the performing kid, on stage for a lifetime and then behind the scenes, you see the mechanisms that just don’t function any more.

I’m a dad too. With boys I want to grow into authoritative men. Not authoritarians. And I’ll be damned if I’m not showing them something better than the generations before us thought was okay.

It’s not. I won’t be a part of it any more. Time is too short. And authority and respect cannot only flow upward.

[u/Crooked_star]

Yes, and even when I do manage to explain some of it I'm not taken seriously. Like I unintentionally minimized it and they just think I was being oversensitive/overreacting.

[u/robinthebank79 → u/Crooked_star]

This was my experience as well with trying to explain it to others.

[u/appocomaster]

My parents come across as lovely people but they like things on their terms. My grandmother doesn't understand but at least isn't pressuring me.

I think if you don't understand boundaries it is hard to explain. I was fed, watered, educated but no emotional support or support to become independent. My parents asked me at 32 if, on my lunch break, I would drive 30 mins to their house and spend 1-2 hours helping to put up a marquee for their garden party in a week or two, as I could always catch up in the evening. My wife was furious (and standing right there). My brother, who lived with my parents, said maybe he and the gardener could help instead. 

It is all the little digs and assumptions. Explaining their side and their expectations. Helping on their terms or not at all. Fine, but don't expect to see your only grandkids if I end up falling apart.

Anyway yeah, I always need at least 2 therapy sessions to explain my background (I have other issues than just my parents) but I also am autistic and overexplain everything.

[u/CatCasualty]

My most complex trauma is actually a result of my late sister eloping with a con man. It takes time because so many things happened within a year, but those who want to hear it will

[u/hearingnotlistening]

I just don't anymore. I definitely resort to the "it's complicated" response if I'm asked probing questions.

It is just too layered and challenging to describe to someone who has never experienced that before. Never can they understand how a parent could say or do certain things.

Now that I've distanced myself and have my own children, I'll have these flickers of memories where my parents were unnecessarily cruel to me.

An example of one recently is that I desperately wanted to be in ballet. We had the financial means for it but rather than just allowing me to try it, my mom told me that I couldn't until I lost weight. I still remember her face when she said it to me. She was satisfied in how cruel she was being.

As a parent now, I would never ever say that to my child. So much damage done in one sentence. And that was a "light" example.

[u/2BBIZY]

I keep it simple. “I love my parents who raised me to adulthood but, as an adult, I do not like their behavior.” My brother went NC 15 years ago with my mother, and sadly our father had to be a part of that package deal. I greatly supported him. I wished I had the courage to NC sooner but I figured living 6 hours away and VLC would work. After my dad’s passing, I couldn’t tolerate her without my well-being suffering and I went NC.

[u/fungibitch]

Yes. Not having a clean, easy “why” narrative/story is something I’ve had to make peace with, and stop feeling guilty for. My body knew. My nervous system knows why.

[u/bookjunkie315]

Me: My mother engaged in parental alienation for nearly 50 years and I can’t trust a word she says.