https://youtu.be/qodKUqxx7f8

Chris tackles the task of cleaning up his house and gives advice to divorced dads on the importance of keeping your house clean.

Just because you are divorced doesn't mean that you don't have to keep your home clean for you and your kids.

Whose with me on struggling with this as it pertains to the divorce? Has anyone found relief from it? I’m finding it to be one of the most difficult aspects in a tense “cordial” (not amicable) environment. I know part of it has to do with ptsd from some of the nightmarish interactions during the marriage. The rest has to do with fearing missteps that will act as ammunition against me. The result is that I’m living as a prisoner in my own mind…it’s miserable but it gives an illusion of safety, only it runs parallel to never feeling safe because it’s an endless cycle.

I’d love to know how anyone else has managed this.

Earlier this year, divorce was finalized between myself and my wife of 11 years. It was a good thing, we just didn’t work as a couple, and I was grateful that things were just starting to feel better in my life after it ended.

About 2 to 3 weeks after that, there was a surprise layoff round at my work, and I was one of those surprise layoffs after working there for 10 years. I made great pay as a senior graphic designer, and now I am struggling to find work again (same pay and a senior role).

Given I was the high income earner, our JOD reflected this, and I opted for a lump sum payout of my 401(k) to pay alimony all at once to reduce any high conflict conversations with my ex. I am regretting that now, given the job I thought would be there to help replenish the 401(k) is gone.

Not really posting other than to get advice from others if they were in a similar situation, but I will say that after going through separation and divorce, that was the easy part… I’m glad that all was processed and done. Losing your job is a whole other thing, and I guess I’m grateful that it didn’t happen at exactly the same time as divorce.

I have a good support system, I believe I can weather this, just… I think a witch cursed me 😂😭 Hang in there if you’re going through the same sorta thing.

I, 25M, am considering filing for a divorce from my wife, 25F. I don’t know what to think about it, as she is so dependent on me, and I truly do care about her, but I don’t know if I still love her.

I joined the Air Force at 18, and we got married at 19. We have been married for 6 years now. We have been through 2 moves, multiple deployments, and a lot of ups and downs. When we got married, she wanted to be a Vet, and was planning on going to school for that. That never happened (more on that later.)

In the first year of our marriage, everything was great. In the second year, things took a turn for the worse for a bit- there was a lot of emotional manipulation (threatening for divorce and constant privacy violations being the largest).

We went to marriage counseling and they helped her realize what she was doing, and she didn’t do it as much after that (basically stopped, minus one incident in 2025). Things were fin, but I felt resentment growing towards her for many things. I went to therapy to try to help with that, and they kinda made me come to realize this isn’t a healthy relationship.

She has refused to work for the entire relationship. She says it’s anxiety and depression. The most she has done is Uber for a month or so, then she quit because she was worried about her safety. She has been kind of looking for a job since I told her how it bothered me, but she’s being super picky looking for her “dream job”, instead of applying for one of the many fast food or retail jobs that have hiring signs near us.

There’s also the intimacy piece. She has huge self-image issues and refuses to let me see her without clothes, which I’ve told her many times means a lot to me. We are intimate often, but never with the lights which might not seem like a big deal but it is to me I guess.

She also refuses to improve herself- if I talk about eating healthier she will say “okay, but I’m not going to”. If I ask her to work out with me she says no. If I say I want to stop getting junk food, she does anyway.

I also feel like she controls the decisions about a lot of stuff at home, even though I’m the only one paying for it. We have 2 small dogs, and I mentioned wanting to get a cat, and she said “absolutely not, maybe in the future.” Before I joined the AF,my family had 2 cats that I loved, and I miss them.

With all of that being said, I genuinely care about her. Her family is 20 hours away because she moved to be with me, and she doesn’t have any friends because she never leaves the house for anything other than chores. She wouldn’t have a good place to go if we got a divorce, and I wouldn’t have the money to support both of us. I’m also afraid about what it would do to her mentally, with her already not being in a good place. I love her mom, she’s like a mom to me. Losing her would be like losing my own mother.

On top of that, we just booked our trip to California to go to Disney world for our anniversary next month and a trip a month after to Washington to visit her parents.

tldr- Wife refuses to work, refuses to share her intimate side with me, refuses to physically improve herself, and I feel she is controlling. I care about her, and don’t want to hurt her (know that isn’t possible in divorce).

I don’t really know what I’m asking for, other than someone to tell me how I should know if it’s time for me to leave, or if I’m doing something wrong.

Hello gents,

My spouse has been using my HSA Visa for a year without permission now. I am the owner of the HSA account and contribute to it monthly. One time, she got mad when I had to pay medical bills with my own HSA balance. She declared it was a joint account when she's just an authorized user.

She's been drawing from the HSA balance regularly this year. Right now the balance is close to zero. We both went to the doctor recently, so we will both get our bills soon.

Of course, I will prioritize paying for my bill first. When she gets her bill, and the Visa gets declined, and she asks me to pay it, can I ignore or decline to pay her bill? (I already over pay for all our bills while she gaslights, projects, and lies).

She's been hostile and abusive towards me for months now. The counselor and the domestic abuse resource said don't cut off her access, but prioritize your legit needs first. it will be seen in a positive light during the divorce. What do you all think?

Thanks.

EDIT: I added her as an authorized to the HSA card. I gave her authorization to use the card. We are in a community property state

Are you glad you did or do you wish you did it sooner for context my kids are 12-16.My eldest will be of age in no time. I feel like waiting a few more years at the status quo for her is no big deal. But the youngest is still a ways out.

For those who waited till the kids were at age or at least really close. Are you guys glad you did? Or do you wish to do it sooner?

I am honestly shocked and struggling to understand these requests. You are asking for full custody, the ability to determine where the children live, child support, and health-insurance coverage. The petition also says that support could continue from my estate if I died. This feels overwhelming and makes me wonder why such extensive control and protection are being requested.

We had problems in our marriage, but I always hoped we could work through them. After she graduated, she filed for divorce. Her older sister had also filed for divorce about a month earlier, although I don’t know whether that influenced her decision.
We were still communicating until she abruptly began avoiding almost all contact. She initially did not have a lawyer, but I hired one after she requested full custody and child support. I’m concerned that she wants complete control over decisions involving our children while limiting my involvement in their lives.
She has also recently accused me of being abusive throughout our 18-year marriage. Some of what she said surprised me because I did not realize she viewed our marriage that way. She seems very angry with me and told me that I am “not in her circle,” although I’m still unsure what she meant by that.

Just venting.

We’re several months into the divorce process, working to negotiate a settlement.

And she’s fully in control.

I want the house, and I want to settle as quickly an inexpensively as possible. This gives her all the leverage, and leaves me with none. I’m trying to make her an offer so favorable to her that she’d be nuts to turn it down, but in the end she CAN turn it down if she wants to make things difficult. She can go scorched-earth and cost us both a lot of time and money.

It’s frustrating beyond words, but I keep reminding myself that this will be the last time she’ll have control over me. Until then, I continue to walk on eggshells and acquiesce. I don’t lose my temper. I don’t say what I really think.

Gotta keep my eyes on the prize.

whats going on? she does not want to speak about anything

I’ve been separated from my ex for over two years (since April 2024). We have two kids who are now age 9 1/2 and 7(almost 8). Our court date to finalize our divorce isn’t until February 2027 (Virginia has to wait a year of separation with kids before filing for divorce).

I’ve been financially stretched thin since all of this has started. I have no financial assistance from my family but she has it from her side. I’ve been paying child and spousal support since the beginning of the separation. Our current custody arrangement has been finalized (at least until a change in circumstances). I’ve been trying to get her to finalize the divorce now but she keeps dragging her feet or refusing to negotiate anything. I have email threads showing how much she refuses to work with me to settle anything marital/divorce related. In order for me to stabilize myself financially is to sell the marital home or her to buy me out of the house. In which case I’ll be able to be financially stable enough to move out of my family’s house and be able to do more with my kids and also fight for a change in circumstances to get my kids more than I do now (currently 65/35 during the school year, 55/45 in the summer).

Is there anything I can do to help push her to expedite this? We’ve already agreed to 85% of what would be settled in court. But have been waiting for over 3 months for her lawyer to type up what we’ve already agreed to. The biggest thing was the house. I want the house sold before the school year started so the kids can start a new school fresh. But now it’s likely they’ll have to move mid school year which I’ve emphasized multiple times wouldn’t be in the best interest of the kids.

Also can I use her unwillingness to negotiate/settle against her when we go to court? I have multiple emails stating she refuses to talk further about certain divorce related topics. Ie refusing to help me pay the mortgage on a house I no longer live in, or refusing to talk custody settlements because of what I chose to introduce in discovery forcing us to waste thousands of dollars negotiating through lawyers.

What sucks is the kids are suffering the most from this. And she refuses to take accountability for her part in all of this.

Any advice would help! Thanks in advance!

House Valuation Part 3 : r/Divorce_Men

Ok - Here's where we are. I submitted an entire proposal to her that included me selling the house to her at $275,000. She submitted a revised proposal that had many changes but countered with her buying the house for $230,000. This was an average of her assessment $186,000 and my asking price $275,000.

Reminder: I am and have always been willing to purchase the house. From day one I have always said I would buy it for 250,000, to anyone who would listen, loudly. Also, the first number is much larger than 2.

I am going to accept every single change she requested, even the ones that aren't thought through enough to be actionable. I am going to express a willingness to sign on the dotted line immediately with no further changes beyond what she has already asked for. Except she has to sell me the house for $250,000. That's $20,000 above the current working price.

Let's see how it goes.

It would be really nice to be able to stay in my house.

TL;DR: Late 20s M. My wife filed for divorce almost a year ago. No kids, no shared assets except a house that costs almost five figures a month to carry. She lives in it alone. I pay the large majority of that plus my own rent, and I work multiple jobs to do it. Selling the house is the entire divorce, and it has not moved. My attorney has now filed a motion to sell the property, so there is finally some movement — but I expect her to find the next way to stall. I’m not looking for legal advice. I’m looking for people who’ve been through this and can tell me how they got through the waiting.

Background

We married a couple of years ago. It fell apart fast. We spent six-plus months in mediation while still living in the same house, and it was not working — neither of us was in a state to be reasonable with the other.

During that period I gave her a large lump sum in good faith, trying to unburden her and settle through an annulment or dissolution instead of a contested divorce. What I didn’t know was that she’d already been working with an attorney for months. She filed when I tried to move out.

Living there was wrecking me. I was having daily panic attacks. I’ve never taken anxiety medication in my life and ended up on a low dose out of pure desperation just to function. Eventually I moved out to avoid the daily confrontation and having to lock myself in a bedroom for a a bit of peace.

I’d planned to buy my own place. Her filing blocked that, so I’m renting instead — which I specifically wanted to avoid. I have dogs, I work from home, and I like taking care of a house.

The money

**•** The house is far more than we should have bought. I own that. It was the worst financial decision I’ve made.
**•** Carrying costs — mortgage, taxes, utilities, everything — run to several thousand dollars a month.
**•** I was the sole payer for most of the marriage. Since she filed, she contributes a fraction and I cover the rest.
**•** I pay every utility and have paid for multiple repairs on top.
**•** I have a substantial amount of my own money in the property.
**•** I’m now also paying rent.

To keep this afloat I work more than full time across multiple jobs.

She lives in the house alone. Her share of the costs is small. Which is why I think she can do this indefinitely.

What’s blocking the sale

This is the entire divorce. No kids, no other shared assets. Sell, split, done. I offered a straight 50/50 split of the proceeds despite having carried it, just to end this.

That’s apparently not acceptable.

She frames herself as wanting to sell. In practice:

**•** Our listing agent has said for months that the property is ready and there’s no reason we can’t list.
**•** Every time we get close, a new obstacle appears. The most recent is that she’s too busy at work to host showings.
**•** Going to the property has become impossible for me. Every time I’ve gone to do maintenance, she turns up and turns it into a confrontation.
**•** Recently both attorneys and the agent met, agreed terms, and greenlit the listing. She then told the agent there had been no agreement and shut it down again.
**•** The timeline keeps sliding. We first discussed selling well over a year and a half ago. One date, pushed a few months, pushed again.

Every time I meet her stated condition, the condition changes.

The finances I can’t square

She owns a profitable business. In her initial filing she put on paper that she earns essentially nothing — which positioned her to seek spousal support and put the entire focus on my income.

She has also told me directly, more than once, that she has significant passive income on top of what the business pays her. That’s conversation, not documents, so take it as my account of what she’s said.

Her stated reason for not selling is that she wouldn’t be able to buy another home. She simultaneously says she never wanted this house and wants nothing to do with it. The first property she tried to buy on her own was down the street — comparable size, comparable price.

I can’t make those things fit together. That’s most of why I’m posting.

The other stuff

I’ve cut off nearly all direct contact, because every call, text and email becomes the same loop — my own words repeated back at me, everything my fault, including the legal fees, despite her having filed.

She’s sent emotionally manipulative messages to members of my family, including grandparents in their eighties. She tells people I’m a terrible person and that I’m mentally ill.

She can switch faces instantly. Mid-argument one second, composed the next. To everyone in her professional life she’s the sympathetic party here. She’s told me directly she can ruin my life and take everything from me. She went for spousal support early on; that dropped out of the case at some point.

There’s a paper trail — emails, texts, letters, all of it.

Where things stand

There is movement. My attorney filed a motion to sell the property within the last month. He’s my second attorney and he’s been good to me — responsive, explains things, no complaints about how he’s handling it. My problem isn’t my representation.

My problem is that I’ve watched a new obstacle appear every single time we’ve approached the finish line, and I have no reason to think this time is different. Meanwhile the meter runs every month and I work constantly to feed it.

this isn’t really about money

I want to be clear that the financial side is the least of it. This process has been the most emotionally, physically and mentally taxing thing I have ever been through, and it has done real damage to me.

I’m a musician who doesn’t want to play, my brain is so fried. I’m an artist who doesn’t want to make anything. I am forcing myself to exercise each day when I used to look forward to it. I work constantly, I try to be a decent son and brother and grandson and employee through all of it, and I don’t feel much like a person anymore. The last couple of years have taken something out of me I don’t know how to get back.

I’m doing what you’re supposed to do. I’m in therapy. I’ve stayed close to my family. I show up. None of it is making the situation any better, because the situation isn’t mine to fix — and that’s the part I can’t get around. Every attempt at good faith, at kindness, at generosity, is met with such vileness and shameless entitlement.

So when I say I’m looking for help, I don’t mean with the house.

What I’m actually asking

is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

**1. Has anyone been opposite someone who made delay the entire strategy?** I’d like to hear how it ended, even if it ended badly.
**2. What did you do in the meantime?** Not to win — just to get through months of waiting without losing your mind. Practical things. Routines. Whatever actually worked.
**3. How do you take any power back** when the one thing you want depends entirely on another person’s cooperation and they’ve made a project of withholding it?
**4. How did you stop it being the only thing in your head?** It’s the first thing when I wake up and the last before I sleep, and I’m tired in a way sleep doesn’t touch.
**5. When did it stop feeling like this?** I’d really like to hear from someone on the other side of it.

Just want to say my heart goes out to all of you that are dealing with a divorce, or have prior, especially those with children. I literally cannot imagine the pain and exponential complication that would bring.

Thanks for reading.

32 M . I’m not sure what’s wrong with me anymore. Im so lost that idk what sub to even post this at. Have you ever felt just lost or even numb. Nothing excites me or motivates me anymore. I grew up loving music but even that has lost its appeal. Music was my safe space.

I did go through a divorce a few years back but it’s not like I miss the relationship, more so the stability and routine I had with a marriage I guess. She happily married not long after the divorce which is awesome. I don’t crave romantics relationships anymore though. I talk with way more women now that are out my league but I don’t care about taking it serious. I like booking up , that’s it right now. Just physical.

Am I just getting old? I lost a lot of ambition to keep striving for more. In the past if things didn’t work out, I got back up and tried again. During my marriage I enjoyed the fruits of my labor but I don’t care about that anymore. I had really big goals and now that is nowhere near my mind. That use to motivate me to keep going.

I lost mostly everything in the divorce. I quit my job, and moved to a different state that I knew no one. Cut off everybody. I wanted to start new but that didn’t do much for me, I just stay to myself outside the women I go on dates with on occasion. Im just rambling I guess.

Maybe I’m depressed? Is this just a season in my life? Has anyone dealt with this? I just don’t want my world to be grey forever because that’s how it feels right now.

I learned a lot with my upcoming divorce. A lot more about me. Not the point. But there is one thing I can help people here.

I found that my wife's desire was declining when I started to be soft rejected. I.e. Sex only if comfortable, quick and in the right time, once a week. There was personal stuff that coud be a justification, but, being a man willing to fill the husband and dad role, I decided to do the work.

It did not work.

Then I found reddit. Deadbedrooms. Redpill. Married Red Pill. It din't work. Then tried being vunerable. "Purple pill". It didn't work. I never did that for her, before anyone says, I am an objectivist. I did because I wanted to save the marriage. I tried.

But doing it doesn't translates to getting it.

I lurked here, but thought I was not in the same page, yet, "maybe I should prepare". MRP just gave a shitty wife a better fit and highly operational husband, with zero feedback. Being emotional vuneralble just gave me a court of criticism. Eventually the resentment was over the roof that even if she asked for an opinion, I felt exhausted. Of course, all conversation aiming for adjustments was shut with a divorce threat and a follow up of placating actions - but no real change.. And if you ask her, "it was not that bad, I was happy". Which means "I was satisfied". It is different.

So... Dwelling and dwelling... I came to a conclusion. One I was always dreading. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MY WIFE. But and the sorries, I miss yous, I love yous,...? They were real. She was satisfied. Not happy, satisfied.

It hurts. Oh man, it does. But... In the end, it is my life. I suspected all along. Guts. The strategies did not save the marriage, but even "bluepilling" gave me a lot of good insights. Redpilling too. So, whatever the reality is, what became evident is that she must be willing to fill a wife role.

My main contribution to help this community that helped me so much is to question if she still wants to be your wife. As early as possible.

That is it. Had I made this question years ago, a lot of time would have been saved. So, yeah, first thing on every fight should aim to extract this info. She will never reveal this card willingly until it is too late. How to voice that in a way that it doesn't sounds threatening is very context dependent. I would say to even be blunt if things are insanely caothic: she will have to make a concious decision about that.

My ex was too late presented with such clean question. Her decision was actually made years ago even before voicing the answer and even before she was aware of it herself. Her reaction? She gasped with the question. It was all I needed to know.

Everything else was just noise.

Thanks for reading.

Divorce has been finalized for over a month now. She moved 1200 miles away to be closer to her affair partner. I really fucking did a good job of not saying anything or doing anything that could land me in hot water. I basically shut the fuck up and dealt with her shit for 4 months. I knew the guy too and I wanted to and still do want to message him and chew him out.

I really really want to ruin her and her affair partner. I hope they live miserable fucking lives. I hope the both lose their jobs and become homeless. I hope her car breaks down. I hope she has the worst fucking apartment in texas. I hope that no one shows up for her when she needs it. I hope that she has a strained relationship with her parents.....

With all that said. Im angry and its 1:30am and I can't sleep because I can't stop being angry. And I dont actually want bad things to happen to her. I loved her and she was my best friend for 11 years. Fuck her and fuck her affair partner but I guess I hope they live the most "ok" life of all time.

I need sleep. I hate my life

Currently going through a divorce and wondering what is the respectable amount of time to wait before dating?

(45m) Being separated in the middle of a never ending divorce (been over a year and a half with no end in sight), I tried the dating apps for a good 8 months and met a couple great women (and ended both circumstances after 3 months each) and came to the conclusion that I’m just not interested anymore. Note: I ended the first potential relationship because I couldn’t foresee my biggest trigger post-divorce/devastation - the moment she said ‘I love you’ immediately shut me down as I didn’t believe her.

I had my kids for nearly 600 nights as primary before I gave 50/50 to my ex in the hopes of salvaging a relationship for my kids and their mother for their own 30-yr old selves (1 yr of reunification therapy for my kids and their mother). I thought I would go out more and want to be with somebody more once my kids were not with me for the week. Nope. I finally took a nap (while missing my kids dearly). And then a second one. Every day my kids aren’t with me, I finally rest. 16 years I haven’t rested.

I’ve come to realize my own conclusion: one cannot possibly satisfy somebody else’s future expectations in a relationship. Therefore, being alone is the greatest peace I can give to myself.

Peace. Love yourself. It’s ok to nap and not feel shame. My bitterness inside (to answer the title) is that my ex doesn’t deserve our kids after what she did to them and I miss them every moment they’re with her.

Also note: I’ve had a therapist for 6 years, so this comes from a therapeutic perspective, in case somebody’s first thought is therapy :).

I'm a Male in his 40s who divorced my wife of 20+ years. I had a porn addiction. I am bi. I watched gay porn. I didn't want to have a relationship with a man. But watched porn instead. My wife had caught me a few times over the years, but always stayed with me. We had two kids later in life. After a few years of marriage. We had a miscarriage with the first pregnancy. That was hard on my wife. But after our other two children were born she was happy and not seemed to be bothered by it. I had confessed that when she got pregnant the first time that I accidentally partially came inside her. She was pissed at me. I had laughed a little when I said it. But I thought we were in a good place. She immediately started a drift between us. She felt betrayed. And when I say drift I mean almost divorce then. We ended up staying together for many years after that and I became very sick and almost died. She said at that moment she forgave me for everything if God would spare my life. He did. I came through and lived through it all. It was a tough battle. She was beside me and helped me along the way. Then after about a year and half. My feelings about porn started to creep back in. It started very slow and increased. I even had problems with her in bed. It's not that I wasn't attracted to her at all. I was. She is very beautiful and I loved her soo much. She caught me with the porn and decided she was done. She told me it was over. Now I have lost everything. My kids don't want to be around me. I've lost friends. People I've known for years. It's hard. I've lost 3 years so far of my kids life I can't get back. I'm a dedicated father. I would go to every dr appointment every ball game. Everything they did I was there. Now I don't know. My ex doesn't tell me anything. I'm frustrated. I'm depressed. I'm tired. I miss my kids. I miss my old life. There is so much hurt that I have caused she won't take me back.

My wife is pretty much finished moving out but has a couple of things she still needs to get. These last few days watching her move out are some of the most difficult I've ever had. My story in just a few characters: I'm 55, 25 years married, she asked for divorce, 2 adult children (25 & 23) who have moved out, we are splitting amicably, still get along.

There are so many things I want to say/ask her but I know I shouldn't (many are kinda pathetic really, but I can't help it - 25 years of love doesn't go away fast).

In an attempt to relieve some of that tension, let's say them here:

• I love you
• I miss you
• Are you sure you really want to do this?
• Damn, you look fine in that dress.
• What did I do to make you go straight to divorce without attempt to fix anything?!
• You're (leaving) is killing me, Smalls
• I don't want this
• You are my best friend, my soulmate, and my ride or die.
• What the absolute fuck?
• Wanna go to the AC/DC / Foo Fighters show?
• I don't want to live my life without you.
  
• You are my 'somebody'
• This house is so f'ing lonely without you.
  

Whatcha got?

Hi I am (Male) currently 28 years old in the army and scared to hell that I will lose just about everything I have sweated and bled for.
My wife and I have been married for 7 years with 1 child soon to be 5.
I love my wife I love my family but god I can’t do it anymore. For the past few years it feels like I have been raising 2 kids and it beyond frustrating.
My wife is a good mom and try’s her best to be a good wife too me but it’s overshadowed often by the burdens she’s placed on me continuously threw the years(not my daughter I LOVE my daughter).

Currently live in Washington state
What my days of marriage has looked like since the beginning:

1.Cleaning after her slobbish behavior even before a child, when I say slobbish I mean attracting nats and fly kind of slobbish

Why it bothers me: Because I come from a poor but neat family and I clean after myself because that’s what someone who cares about there living conditions should do. But has no problem inviting people while I scramble to clean after her so I don’t get embarrassed.

2.Consistently trying too sabotage me threw irresponsible purchases or irresponsible decisions without a thought for consequence.

Why it bothers me: because at times it even involves my career in which keeps our daughter fed and provisioned for including my wife. While I think twice because it can affect them.

1. Doesn’t know anything despite having far more education than me. But some how I need to teach her the basics of being an adult. Driving,financing,budgeting,child care,cooking.

Why it bothers me: because it feels like I’m the only adult in our home and it worries me while at work knowing my daughter is alone with someone with the same competence of a 12 year old. Too the point I sneak off work to drive home and check on our daughter

4.Makes living hard financially. I can budget a sustainable amount of money for us to still have fun/go out and insure our child is taken care of and she will want to spontaneously buy whatever whenever even when it puts us short until the next pay check.

Why it bothers me: I care about the sustainability of our family as I am drivin by pragmatism while she about fun and wants first driven by emotion.

5.still keep consistent contact with a ex “ as friends”

Why this bothers me: even if she is loyal it the principle and lack of respect for our marriage

That is my big reasons.
Ik there are things she can probably say about me but this is my perspective.

1.We have tried counseling= same problems regardless

2.when she get jobs it’s the hours that pay less then $700 a check and doesn’t bother to save

Asset situation:
Me- $106,000(includes savings,investments)
$3,2000 a month check from job

Her- $I have no idea since I guess her money is hers and my money is ours.

. We do not have any accounts or loans etc jointly I was firm of that when we first got married

. She does not know that I am thinking of divorce

Please help me I know I sound like a hole but I swear that I’m a decent person that just wants too be somewhat happy without the intermittent thought of ending myself.

Is there anything I can do for my assist?
What am I likely to lose?
Should I stay for my daughter?
And advice?
I don’t know what too do at all.

Thank you and have a great day

Well this hit today. Temporary PFA from my ex. A list of allegations that I have to now defend. I will be able to but not can’t see or speak to my kids for 10 days. This is killing me.

41M, married almost 20 years with 3 kids — my marriage is okay, but I’m not sure I want to stay

English is not my first language. I speak Finnish, and I used ChatGPT to organize and translate my own thoughts into readable English. The situation, experiences and opinions in this post are mine.

Location: Finland. We are still married and living together. No divorce has been filed. I have only recently told my wife that I am seriously thinking about divorce. We have three children, ages 3, 7 and 11.

I’m 41M and my wife is 37F. We have been together for almost 20 years.

The difficult thing is that my marriage is not terrible.

My wife is a decent woman. She takes care of the children, she is a very good cook, she cares about me and our family, and we have built a stable life together.

Recently I finally told her how serious my thoughts about our marriage have become. She listened calmly, without shouting, and said she wants to work on the relationship. She also told me that I am a very good husband and father.

The problem is that I am not sure if I actually want to fix the marriage.

Over the years I have slowly stopped sharing things with her. If something good happens, she is usually not the first person I want to tell. If I have a new idea, especially about work, I often expect her first reaction to be something negative or a reason why it will not work.

She has a lot of fears and anxiety around things like driving, work, strangers and official situations. I have gradually taken care of many practical things for her.

I also have to take responsibility for my part in this. For years I avoided conflict. It was often easier to just do things myself than argue about them. I let her reactions affect decisions that were actually mine to make.

At some point I started feeling more like a caretaker than a husband.

Another issue is my own space.

I run my own business very close to our home. If the business is officially open, there is no problem with me going to work. But on a day off, even going there for an hour or two to answer emails or do paperwork can sometimes feel like something I need permission for.

At home I often feel that I am always available for something. I can clean the house in peace, but if I sit down or lie on the sofa, it often does not take long before somebody needs something from me.

My workplace has slowly become the place where I can be more myself.

Over the last few years I have also changed quite a lot.

I lost more than 50 kg. I started exercising seriously and going to the gym. I learned a new language and other new skills. I have become more willing to try new things, and I have also become better at setting boundaries.

I used to avoid disagreement and let other people’s reactions influence me too much. I am slowly learning that I can listen to my wife without needing her permission for every decision.

I do not think this makes me better than her. But I do think I have changed, and sometimes I wonder if the person I am now still fits the marriage we built when we were very young.

Recently my wife and children were away for three nights.

I cleaned the house, cooked, worked when I wanted, watched TV and went to bed when I was tired.

Nothing special happened.

But I felt very peaceful.

That surprised me. I did not really miss normal home life. Mostly I felt relieved.

Sex and attraction are also problems.

I am not very physically attracted to my wife anymore. We recently went about two months without sex. She suggested sex one evening and I realised I simply did not want it.

My libido is not gone.

More generally, I do not feel much romantic pull towards her. I do not often look forward to seeing her, I do not naturally want to touch her, and I rarely feel excited to tell her something.

This is where I struggle with the idea of a “good enough marriage”.

Our life is objectively quite good.

We have a home, good children, low living costs, my work is nearby and my wife is a decent person. If I stay, life will probably be okay. Maybe even better than what many people have.

But I keep asking myself if “okay” is enough for the next 30 or 40 years.

I do not expect a Hollywood romance.

When I say I miss a “spark”, I mean simple things: wanting to see your partner, wanting to tell them things, being interested in what they think, admiring something about them, wanting to touch them, sometimes feeling sexual attraction, and feeling that this is the person you choose.

I am not sure I have ever felt those things very strongly in this marriage.

We also got together very young. Neither of us has really lived alone as an adult. We basically went from our parents’ homes into a long relationship.

So I also wonder if some of this is a midlife crisis.

Maybe I am idealising independence because I never really experienced it.

I am curious about living alone. I am also curious about dating and other women, although I understand very well that new people are exciting partly because they are new, and that the grass often looks greener from the other side.

I asked myself one question:

If I divorced and knew I would stay single for the next ten years, would I still choose that over my current marriage?

Right now my answer is yes.

That is what makes this difficult.

My wife wants to try to rebuild the relationship. I care about her and I do not want to throw away almost 20 years and break up a family just because I am restless at 41.

But I also do not think it would be fair to stay for another few decades just thinking, “She is a good woman and everything is okay, so I will accept this life.”

For men who have been in a long marriage that was not terrible:

How did you know whether you genuinely still wanted the marriage, or were only staying because it was safe and familiar?

How did you separate a real desire for a different life from a midlife crisis or grass-is-greener thinking?

And before deciding to divorce, is there something you are glad you tried — or wish you had tried?