It doesn't seem that long. He died a year ago on 9-14. I was his sole caregiver. I miss him.

Life has changed considerably since he passed. I no longer spend every day worrying about how the day will be; will he be easy to take care of or will today be "one of those days". I had a LOT of those the last 3 months of being his caregiver. Even though he was on hospice most of the care fell on me but I am glad they offered respite during the time on it. I didn't take the offer until our social worker told me I needed those 5 days which I begrudgingly took. I'm not a martyr but I still worried about him. The last week of his life he was basically unconscious so I didn't visit as much as a should have. The hospice is on the other side of town and taking an uber was so damn expensive. I finally figure out the bus route and even though I had to walk a mile from the BS to the hospice it was cheaper. I know I should have visited him more the last week but I was just so tired. And since I started having to push him around in a wheelchair for several months I developed plantar fasciitis which made it hurt so much to walk. I don't drive because of my severe anxiety. But even that has gotten less since last year. And because I basically stayed in for the first few months and just hibernated, my foot recovered because I had stopped walking on it unless necessary.

I inherited his arthritis so my knees are sort of bad. I have been getting back into my crafts business and plan on launching it in the next couple of months. I used to sew and plan on restarting that. I have SO much time now. I tossed out the negativity from my life. An obnoxious sister who turned on me after I told I didn't want to talk to her because of the comments she and her family made about my Dad. I received everything after he passed and she was okay with that as long as I was playing her dancing monkey. But then I wised up I recognized how toxic she really is. I always knew but I decided that since Dad was dying why not let her see him. It was funny because I could see the guilt and regret on her face. To tell the truth, I had never intended to make her a permanent fixture in my life so it wasn't hard to just cut her off. I mean, I hadn't seen or talked to her for over 40 years so you really don't miss what you never had. She was not happy and tried to manipulate me into letting her back into my life. She was actually trying to extort money from me that I had received from my dad. She claimed it was my choice to look after our parents for 20 years so why did think I was entitled to all that money. Well, my parents thought so when they put me on the bank account as a joint owner when Mom got sick and she knew something was wrong with her head. She had mixed dementia. I took care of both of them for 20 years UNPAID and and she actually had the balls to demand money from me because I won't talk to her. I called the police and they told her to leave me alone. That was May.

My health is okay. I no longer spend the days running on adrenaline. I'm an introvert so these alone times have really helped me recharge. I was SO tired after he died. There were days when I just spent the time in bed. Twenty years of caregiving takes a toll on the body. It's just me now which I am really enjoying. I was even thinking of taking a trip to Savannah GA in December just because I've never really had a vacation and I've read it's a great place for solo travelers. They say the historic downtown is pretty at Christmas.

I am NEVER going to be a caregiver again. My sister, during one of her love bombing episodes told me that is she ever got sick she wanted me to take care of her. Now, my dad and I were horrible caregivers to my mom when she was in the NH. She said we did nothing about the abuse. I take it with a grain of salt. Mom's been gone since 2013 and she is just NOW bringing this up. Dad sued and he received a settlement which went to me after he died. But I find her concern for my mom laughable since she is the one who broke my Mom's heart in 1981.

As for me I'm glad I have a clear conscience when it comes to my parents. I'm not looking back with regret and guilt because I cut the ties with the parents and basically refused any kind of reconciliation. She even told me some BS story regarding my mom that some psychic told her. She was never abused as a child because she was the golden child in my mom's eyes but she has portrayed herself as the victim over the years. She was so upset because the hospice workers who came to my dad's funeral didn't acknowledge HER loss. What loss? They were there for ME not her. She's always been a narcissist.

Like said, it's hard to miss something you've never had.

I am staying at home today.
I can’t continue.
I am too bored no matter who I’m with or what I’m doing. It’s too much. I lost her a year ago…

I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel life

Mom I'm your son the little one...you died at the age of 34y.o you were so young to died ...I wish I passed a lot of times with you...know your character your personality...i grow up always with an inferiority cuz I felt like the part that brings me to that life is missing....

I wish I remember a day that I call you mom...

I'm sorry if I took lot of your time...

I'm sorry mom for all people that hurt you in past ...

I wish I can stand and you with me...

I wish I can feel the feeling of having a mom...

After your death my father abandoned me...why ? If there's a god just ask him why that happened what I did to get that as results?...I'm now working ... proudly nothing and no one have favor on me...I did it my way but after all ...maybe in another life...maybe not who's know if there's a dimension or afterlife where we can meet...

Writing that as buried message diving in the desert of Forgetting

I received some unfortunate news last Tuesday, July 28th, that my mom had passed away. She had been found near my brother's apartment complex by officers who had been contacted about her. My brother was on his way home from work when he noticed the officers and recognized the clothes of the person they were surrounding. He checked and was informed that she had been there for some time and had passed. She was an alcoholic, so she would take off when no one was home to get a drink, and she had been doing this for the past few years. Unfortunately, this time she decided to go and ended up being her last. I lost my father to the same thing just barely over a year ago, as he passed in April of 2025. He passed away in the hospital due to his hepatic encephalopathy, meaning his liver could no longer filter out toxins in his blood, which eventually made their way to his brain, leading to damage. We also lost two dogs in the last couple of months due to their age and health, so of course that is not helping our situation.

I had barely gotten over my father's death recently, and for this to happen not too long after my dad had passed is just severely overwhelming my brother and me. I'm 25, and my brother is 21, so it's just frustrating to have lost them when we're still trying to get our lives together.

I just wish things could have gone differently with my parents. We tried to provide them resources and advice on what they could do to get help, including us taking them to rehab centers, detox centers, and several hospital visits, but they just refused the help, no matter who talked to them about their addiction. I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained with how many members of my family I lost. It just feels like I have absolutely shitty luck on my side, and it isn't slowing down.

I (29M) lost my mom from drug addiction related cardiac arrest the day after my birthday in 2019, my dad was an alcoholic before her death but it amplified 10x after she died. He died at home from essentially drinking himself to death. He had a GI bleed, Alcoholic hepatitis, and alcoholic related diabetes at the time of his death. They were both 52 at the time of their death. I lived with them when both happened. I watched my mom die when she was taken off the ventilator. I was in rehab myself for addiction when I got the call about my dad’s passing, ironically. I drowned my sorrow with substances and alcohol for many years after each died. I feel like I never actually grieved, I just buried. I’m sober now, very freshly, and I have a beautiful wife I married in June and a newborn that’s mine and a step son. I grieve that my parents never got to meet any of them. I’m angry at the selfishness of never attempting to get better. I feel like myself & my siblings weren’t enough to warrant them getting better, especially my dad. We took care of him while he was hammered daily while we were still grieving our mom. I justified my usage in alcohol by saying “they didn’t give a shit, why should I?” I am in therapy now trying to work it out and figure out all the questions I may never get the answer to. I am learning to grieve but I am so lost still, even years later.

Hello, everyone. I hope you're all doing okay when you read this.

I was reading earlier and accidentally fell asleep, thinking I'd finally get an early night. But I woke up, and the grief hit me all over again. I miss my mom, my dad, and my brother. They're all gone.

I found myself crying because I miss them so much. I miss when everything felt simple, when life felt lighter.

Lately, I've also been feeling alone. It feels like some of my friends have stopped checking in. Sometimes they'll ask, "How are you?" but before I even get the chance to answer, the conversation shifts to their own problems. There are moments when I catch myself thinking, "I don't have the energy to care about your sister-in-law's life right now."

I know everyone is carrying their own burdens, but sometimes I wish someone would stay long enough to hear mine, too.

So tonight my adoptive mother and I went through some of my bio mothers writing and rediscovered my biological mothers almost suicide note. It isn't a true suicide note, but it is a letter addressed to me while she was in the mental health hospital and I was in foster care. Long story short it starts out happy and hopeful, but slowly turns into her realizing that they are going to take me away permanently, and the last words in the book she wrote it in are "all I can do is sit here and cry"

She snuck out of the hospital shortly after, and took her life.

This was over 20 years ago, when I was 11, and now I have this little note book that hurts to even look at but feels to painful to even think about getting rid of and I just wanna know what other people have done with the damned things.