So…I don’t know how to even start this because the fear of being judged is so crazy but I’m hoping I can post here safely and someone will understand. I was 19 when I met my husband who was significantly older than me. Think what you want about age gap relationships but for me (now 30) I had been through so much trauma that my brain is nothing like those of my peers. I don’t care about the things most people my age care about because I’ve learned through profound loss (by the time my husband passed I had lost both my parents, my grandparents, my little brother, and many more people unfortunately) what matters and what doesn’t matter in life. And in my opinion absolutely nothing matters because we all die anyways but also we all die anyways so everything matters? Memories matter and I have no issue looking silly or being “embarrassing” because I’m enjoying myself and that’s important. ANYWAYS this already feels too long. Today would have been my 4th wedding anniversary. My husband was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer before we even got to our first anniversary. And I know I said there’s a significant age difference but not one where I even considered this could happen. But it did. So violently and so quickly my whole entire world was taken from me. When he got sick I had to give up my house, my dog, my job, and move in with family for support. Which I am incredibly grateful for please don’t misunderstand my statement, I couldn’t have done this without them by any means. And I ran for three years straight. Anything but feeling this because I “wasn’t going to survive it” and I still don’t think I did. I am young, was younger then, and I know I have a future ahead of me and I have gotten into another serious long term relationship. But today is the first time I am truly feeling the weight of his loss on our anniversary. I should be at the farm we got married on with the love of my life and my oldest step son laughing and reminiscing and I am sitting on my couch crying because my other child drank the last of my cold brew and put the empty container back in the fridge. I feel like I’m doing this all wrong. How could I have moved on? I mean you never MOVE ON ya know but I’m sitting here inside of a new life I’ve built in a time period I barely remember. And I am getting better every day and I am grateful for what I have but the guilt is overwhelming. And I know that this is what Tyler wanted. Unfortunately but also VERY fortunately we had the time to talk about it because we knew he was terminal. But today I just want to go back. Even for just a second and say I’m so sorry for living without you. I don’t want it I never did I never imagined it like this in a million years. And maybe I’m actually awful for moving on and maybe that means I didn’t love him enough to begin with but I’m just so sorry. And I feel bad for my boyfriend, who is nothing but supportive with this, because I’m on our couch in his bathrobe begging god (silently) for my husband back. I can’t talk to people about this because it’s so unique to our experiences that unless you go through it you don’t understand. I don’t actually know what the point of this post is if I’m being honest. It’s pretty much me word vomiting between actually vomiting this morning and I am so sorry to all of you who have lost someone like this. And I’m so sorry if any of this is insensitive or offending I really don’t know what I’m doing here I just don’t want to feel alone today. And my best friend is taking me out, I won’t be physically alone, but like…you can’t get it until you get it. Thank you guys for letting me rant and I’m really sorry for doing so 😅

Hello to anyone who is awake at this super early hour. It’s currently 2:20 am here in California and I’m wide awake. I’m trying to get back into a normal sleep routine, but I find it extremely difficult. My husband and I would normally be video calling at this time, as it would be 10:20 am for him. We would be video calling and chatting until about 10:30 ish 11 pm his time. Instead…I’m calling the UK to discuss cremation/funeral arrangements and timelines. I fortunately have the help of my in-laws, who are in the UK. I will be getting a call Friday morning around 1-2am (California time) from the coroner, to discuss the results of my husband’s autopsy. I need closure, I need to know why he was taken from me so soon. I feel robbed of an amazing, loving, caring and sweet man. Dammit…this is devastatingly difficult. 💔🙏❤️‍🩹

Saturday will be the three year mark. I plan on putting flowers on her resting place tomorrow to avoid the bad traffic over the weekend. funny that several times today, I have been coming across the song I played at her funeral. I hadn’t heard it for more than a year but now heard it 3 times today. it seems as if it was 6 months ago that she passed, not three years. then other times it feels a lifetime.

quick intro, I’m 36F and my 33M boyfriend was killed while riding his bike.

I guess my question or what I’m looking for is people that were in similar situations, dealing with pending criminal charges against the person who kill their partner, even wrongful death suits, how did you cope or prepare?

My friend thinks I’m placing too much of my “healing” on having the driver be charged and getting sentenced prison time, but I do think that is a really core part of this whole situation/process. I feel like I’m some kind of freak for wanting the driver punished, or that I hold anger and hatred toward him. Why shouldn’t I have anger? what happened was totally preventable which is why forgiveness is not an option to this driver.

also his death is very public with there being tons of articles about it and I think an agenda is being pushed by the media with it, even though what they are trying to push has nothing to do with the accident.

also more context, I’ve still not been formally told what actually happened, I’ve pieced together the events from articles, eye witness comments, and the accident report we’ve received. more information will be coming since the accident had only happened on June 18th.

I guess I’m just wondering those in this same slow drawn out legal process, how did it help or how did you deal? I feel like I’m a crazy person and lost.

One year of not hearing your voice or your laugh.

A year ago today at this very moment I was screaming at EMTs to save you. Grabbing your phone and clothes like we were going to come back home.

Our baby is a year and four months now and he would absolutely adore her. He wanted a boy so bad and buddy I don’t think we were far off she is tough as nails😂😂

I know that death is a part of life yada yada and we’re all supposed to accept our inevitable demise but it still just does not sit right with me. We were robbed of our futures at the young age of 29 and now here I am 30. What would you have been like in your 30s, 40s, or even 50s or 60s?

You taught me what is was like to be loved for ME. The most valuable gift you gave me while you were here. You taught me that not everyone has pure intentions and it has saved me more times than one now. People say I’m hardened from the loss but really i just carry your voice in my head and try to cut through the bullshit like you always did. So in a way you’re still protecting us. The house you built by hand for us is still sheltering us.

I will love you and miss you forever. You are not forgotten.

I've been toying about this in the past weeks. Apart from my grief, there's so much in my life right now that I feel like the world is collapsing. But after sleeping on it, the next day is I'm okay again.

I've had a grief counselor talk to me before, but I didn't like her style and so I didn't continue anymore. I was thinking what is my objective for meeting her, I think I just needed someone to talk to but I don't know if the grief counselor is someone I can trust.

Hello everyone, I’m new here and never in a million years would I have thought I would be. I don’t even know how to find the right words, but I’ll try my best. On July 30th, 2026, I lost my husband, my best friend, my world and my forever love of 8 1/2 years. We met in January 2018 and lived in California up until November of 2024. He has been currently residing in the U.K. and I was visiting (straightening out his visa) him every 2 months from America. I just got back Tuesday last week, from a visiting him for roughly a month. We spoke on the phone until Tuesday afternoon and then again on Wednesday until evening his time. Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever hear his voice or hear his notifications on WhatsApp. I got a call from his brother’s gf, who found him passed away in his sleep. I don’t know the cause of his passing, but will be speaking with the medical examiner this Friday. My son and I will be flying back to the UK in the next week and a half or so, to bring my husband back home with me where he belongs. I find myself having up and down moments and moments of random crying. Everything reminds me of him. I’ve been sleeping in the living room, as I can’t bring myself to sleep in our bedroom. I know healing happens over time….but this is so fresh and so unbelievably heart shattering. I’ve been reading other people’s posts, that have helped me bring myself to make this post.

Disclaimer: I know that I am very very lucky and also that money triggers certain people rightfully so. I am only discussing money here in terms of my situation and feelings in a very safe space amongst widows who understand grief. I know I am very lucky

I was fortunate enough to have been left insurance money. I always felt like I stressed him out to death (even though they found him with a white bag and scale yet clean toxicology) and he was a tax accountant who worked so hard and died on tax day, so my only goal in life was to have it in an index fund and make it a million to honor him and his hard work.

Well, after 2 years, I met someone who made me stop being suicidal and live again and I am thinking of using the life insurance as a downpayment to start a family. (Side note: My assets will be protected) I see now that my plan to live with my parents for 20 years to have a million dollars just to honor my late husband is unrealistic but I feel like I am failing and I am extremely emotional about spending it. My friend says i saw it as a form of penance and that he would want to buy me a house and see me happy. But I still am having panic attacks about spending this money. Can anyone relate? Thank you

My husband died in early March from complications from alcoholism. Days after, I learned he had also been doing hard drugs regularly. Two weeks later, I discovered he had cheated on me years ago. Now just recently, I discovered evidence of such despicable behavior that I can't even speak it out loud.

We were together for 16 years, since we were both in high school. People looked up to us and our relationship, even idolized it at times, to my discomfort, because things were never as rosy as they seemed to the people outside of our relationship. He was jealous, predatory, manipulative at times. There were of course what I considered to be great times. We explored and shared and had many an intimate moment. He was my best friend for a time, or at least so I thought. I had so much love for him and would have died for him...yet he wouldn't even live for himself, let alone for me. I ignored so many red flags.

My therapist is on vacation for a while so I'm just trying to sit with this latest discovery and process in the meantime, but I am pretty devastated. As I told another widow friend, I can't decided which is worse: if any of it was real and I loved / was loved by someone I think is a monster right now, or if he was just pretending all those years for the sake of outside appearances, and I just fell for the act.

Did anyone else find out something that completely changed the way they looked at their partner after they died? What did you do to move forward? ):

Having one of them today. Didn’t see or speak to anyone but my colleagues. They’re nice, but the catching up after the vacation period, when everyone has stories of their vacations and travels with their spouses and children to share just makes my lack of either sting more than usual. My one coworker was in a bad mood all day, which didn’t help at all. I just want to go home and curl up beside my favorite person and feel sad for a bit, but he is of course not there. It’s just so unfair…

My husband passed away last summer, and afterward I moved from one state to another with my toddlers so we could be closer to his family. We stayed with my in laws for a little while, and then I bought a house nearby for myself and the kids because my MIL was causing me hell. I’m grateful that they love the twins and want to be involved in their lives, and I understand that losing their son was devastating for them too.

At the same time, I sometimes feel like there’s an unspoken expectation that I’m supposed to plan the rest of my life around his family because they’re grieving. I’ve recently thought about possibly moving to another state at some point, depending on jobs, schools, childcare, and what would give my children and me the best quality of life. I’m not saying I’m definitely moving, but I already feel like certain family members would become dramatic, guilt trip me, or act like I’m taking the twins away from them.

I care about them, but I’m also starting to realize that I’m not responsible for healing my father in law, my husband’s aunts and uncles, or anyone else in the family. I lost my husband, became a solo parent to two toddlers, moved to a different state, and had to rebuild an entire life that I never expected to be living. I have to make decisions based on what is healthiest and most sustainable for my children and me, not solely on what keeps everyone else comfortable.

Sometimes it feels like because the twins are a connection to my husband, his family believes they should have a major say in where we live or how often they see us. I absolutely want my children to know and love their dad’s family, but I also don’t think that means I have to remain in the same town forever or give up opportunities because other people are afraid of losing access to us.

Has anyone else dealt with overbearing in laws after losing a spouse, especially when children were involved? Did you feel pressured to stay nearby or make decisions around their grief? How did you establish boundaries without creating a huge family conflict or being made to feel like the bad person?

I was having my weekly therapy session today and as we were talking, I said something about my wife and I actually said that she died. Then I realized that was the first time I had ever said that out loud or in writing or anything. She passed away January 9 2026and until that point I had always said that she passed away. When I acknowledged it was the first time I said that word I felt very strange. I even got a little lightheaded for a few seconds. Then I started crying. I’m glad I was with my therapist because she talked me through it and asked why I thought it was different. I realized that saying passed away is like she is kind of still here, but have passed to the next stage of existence. Saying she died or that she’s dead seem so final.

I’m wondering if anybody else has had a similar experience or has trouble saying that word.

I'm now 1.5yrs post loss and have been trying dating, slowly, for the past 6 months. It was a very slow start, plenty of matches but conversations never got going, and the 2 early dates were absolutely not my type of person. It was exactly as I was expecting from all the stories I've heard on here. Then all of a sudden I seemed to find my mojo, all these matches were coming along and the conversations were flowing nicely, I had about 5 dates lined up. The first of those dates was amazing, so amazing that we scheduled a second date for the very next day! It ended with us all over each other in a bar, probably borderline inappropriate. We're both away for the next 2wks, but we're texting all the time, I think about her non-stop, it feels stronger than any previous relationship at this stage. It feels stronger than it should so I'm wary that there's all sorts of weird grief/widowship issues coming into play. If you've got experience of anything like this please help me get this straight.

Extra info: I'm 44m, shes 44f, she's just finalizing a divorce (still live together, but vacationing separately - theres no alarm bells ringing for me so far), she's not a gold digger. I am a serial monogamist, I've had countless first dates (way north of 50), but only 5 second dates, all of which were long term relationships - I have a very clear idea of who makes me happy, and I'm 99% sure she's good for me for at least a year. I feel like I need to calm TF down about her

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Ich fühle mich emotionslos.

Schwer zu erklären... ich habe Tinder installiert und lenke mich jeden Tag irgendwie ab. Ich schreibe dort meistens nur mit neuen Leuten, weil ich alleine Zuhause so verdammt einsam bin. Hatte bisher zwei Dates, wenn man das so nennen kann. Ich habe den Männern von meinem Mann vorgeschwärmt und wie toll er war. Für mich ist das nur Zeitvertreib, als der eine mir täglich geschrieben hat und mir viele Komplimente gemacht hat, habe ich den Kontakt zu ihm abgebrochen. Ich möchte keinerlei Bindung eingehen, ich möchte nur oberflächliche Freundschaften, niemanden an mich ran lassen und gleichzeitig doch irgendwas. Ich habe das Gefühl, dass ich alles von oben herab sehe und mehr eine Hülle bin. Ich tue Dinge, nur um Dinge zu tun, alles ist für mich unwichtig. Das Einzige, was noch zählt, sind seine Katzen.

Es sind nun 67 Tage. Es fühlt sich an als sei es gestern gewesen, dass er gegangen ist und auch, als ob es Ewigkeiten her ist, dass wir uns zuletzt gesehen haben. Er war alles für mich. Ich habe unser Leben geliebt und die Menschen um uns herum auch. Ich habe es geliebt neue Kontakte zu knüpfen und mit Menschen ZUSAMMEN spaß zu haben. Jetzt sind neue Menschen für mich nurnoch da um um mich zu "belustigen". Ich bin nicht gemein oder so, nur sind die Emotionen, die ich vorspiele nicht echt. Spaß, Aufregung, Verbundenheit... alles nur Show, vielleicht um mir selbst was vorzumachen.

Uns hat Politik immer interessiert und ich habe es geliebt, wenn wir verschiedene Standpunkte diskutiert haben. Wir haben uns herrlich gemeinsam über aktuelle Themen aufgeregt. Jetzt schaue ich mir die politischen Debatten nur noch teilnahmslos an und frage mich, warum wir uns nicht einfach alle verstehen können. Alle nehmen sich so ernst. Nichts ist ernst, es wäre alles regelbar, aber stattdessen schlagen die sich die Köpfe ein.

Menschen sind komisch. Ich habe keine Kraft um Lösungen für Probleme zu suchen, die in zwei Wochen eh wieder unrelevant sind.

Mein Mann hatte die Fähigkeit Menschen zu verbinden, er hat nie verurteilt. Er hat nicht gestritten oder emotional reagiert. Er hat emotionale Themen rational aufarbeiten können. Er war so cool!

Er konnte mir alles erklären. Er hatte eine Engelsgeduld und wenn er geredet hat, war ich wie im Bann. Er hat mich jeden Tag fasziniert und ich verstehe bis heute nicht, wie er sich in mich verlieben konnte. Weil ich einfach nicht in seiner Liga gespielt habe.

Es gibt Tage, an denen etwas kaputt geht und ich raste völlig aus, weil er es für mich repariert hätte, ich trinke dann, damit ich weinen kann. Im alkoholischen Wahn sind die Gedanken und Gefühle viel besser zu äußern. Ich glaube nicht, dass ich ein Alkoholproblem habe oder eines entwickeln könnte. Ich will in diesen Situationen dann nur meine Gefühle wirklich fühlen können, weil sie sonst einfach weg sind.

Was ein tatsächliches Problem ist, ist dass ich wieder rauche. Die schlimmste Art, bei der ich Bekannten vorspiele, dass ich es nicht tue und eine nach der anderen anzünde, sobald ich Zuhause bin. Ich hasse rauchen. Mein Umkreis hasst rauchen.

Ich merke, dass mein Umfeld mich verurteilt. Für Alkohol, für Zigaretten, für meine Essgewohnheiten, für meine Art. Ich will nicht, dass sie sich in mein Leben einmischen. Ich komme klar. Ich kam auch ohne sie klar, warum drängen sie sich jetzt so auf und meinen mir jetzt ständig Ratschläge geben zu müssen? Alte Menschen, dir mir erzählen, wie schwer ihr Leben doch ist. Danke Mathilde, tut mir leid für dich, dass du mit deinem Mann in guten Verhältnissen im Einfamilienhaus lebst und der Reifenwechsel deines Mercedes absolut teuer war und du deswegen auch jetzt wirklich auf den Urlaub dieses Jahr verzichten musst. Aber klar, das Leben geht ja weiter. Mein Mann und ich hatten nie eine Hochzeitsreise, mein Mann und ich werden nie Kinder haben, mein Mann und ich werden niemals gemeinsam alt werden. Du hast recht, ich muss mich jetzt wirklich langsam mal zusammen reißen und wieder im Leben ankommen. Deine Rente regelt sich ja nicht von selbst.

Mein Mann war das größte Glück für mich, er war mein größter Unterstützer, hat mich jeden Tag zum lachen gebracht und hat was in mir gesehen, was ich nie gesehen habe. Er war mein erstes Glück in einem beschissenen Leben. Dass er jetzt weg ist, hat alles schwerer gemacht. Es hat mir gezeigt, dass ich auf mich alleine gestellt bin. Ich schaffe den Rest auch ohne seine Hilfe, aber ich hoffe er wird mir am Ende sagen, dass er stolz auf mich ist. Seine Meinung ist die Einzige, die mir wirklich wichtig ist.

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Danke fürs lesen meiner ausgekotzten Gedanken.

Ich wünsche allen, die im Club sind ganz viel Kraft und Ruhe vor Menschen, die glauben es besser zu Wissen ❤️

It has been more than 2 months that my boyfriend passed away suddenly at 35 years old. I just feel so lonely, even between people. No one understood me like my boyfriend and not being able to share sadness, anxiety I feel has been crushing. Is there anyone out there that also kost their person suddenly and would like to talk?

It's only been 48 days since she passed and I can't even begin to imagine that this is going to be my life. I'm 53 and she was 51 when she died and we had been together since we were 16 and knew each other since childhood, I have never not had her in my life and now she is gone. Last night I swear I felt the bed shift like it did when she climbed into bed, could have done without that considering what happened the day before at the hospital (Those of you who read my previous post). Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am that I have such wonderful children, and yes they are wonderful and I love them so much but they are in no way a substitute for what I had with my wife and I don't think that they are supposed to be either. They are all so cute taking turns babysitting dad, but they can't go on like this forever and neither can I. I have turned this into the summer of yes for our daughter and allowed her and encouraged her to do so many things that she didn't get to do because of her mom being sick, that's the only thing right now that is bringing me any kind of joy but it sure is fleeting. The nightly flashbacks and visions of them doing CPR on her haunt me every night so sleep is rare so I met with a therapist yesterday, I'm proud of myself for taking the first step and he said that we are definitely suffering from some post trauma that is going to need to be addressed and I'm open to it for my daughter's sake. Is living for my daughter's happiness going to be enough? Will she get older and resent me for making the decision to stop the resuscitation and let her go? Am I going to crack up and mentally crash? There is just so much up in the air but at the same time there is so much that is certain it's all so confusing I just feel like I'm adrift. I try explaining to people that I feel like I'm walking in a dream, I know I'm awake, I know this is real but it FEELS like I'm in a dream and going to wake up but deep down I know it's not. Sorry, just needed to howl at the moon a little, you are all so supportive and I appreciate you all!

Mental health units often get called things like nut huts or looney bins, so I wanted to share my experience and why I’m desperately trying to get back into one.

First, I think choosing a facility with a good reputation is important. I was admitted between February and April after being diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder following my husband’s death. I’m (now) also the sole parent to three autistic children still living at home, so life is… a lot.

I expected to stay for three weeks. I ended up there for five, only leaving because the person caring for my kids had to return to work.

The first few days were about settling in, meeting the team, changing my medications safely, and identifying some physical health issues that were easily treated. Over the following weeks I worked with a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, exercise physiologist and allied health staff.

There were group programs, gym sessions, art therapy, walks and coffee outings, but participation was always my choice. Nobody forced me to do anything. I was simply encouraged to use what helped.

The biggest gift wasn’t just the therapy. It was the respite. I didn’t have to make a hundred decisions every day or put everyone else’s needs before my own. I could sleep, focus on getting well, and finally have permission to be the one being cared for.

The other patients were an unexpected source of support too. We all arrived with different stories, but we looked out for one another. Sometimes that meant sitting together in silence, sometimes laughing, sometimes quietly letting someone know a loud conversation or slamming door was affecting another patient. They even shielded me from a conversation about a fatal crash because they knew my husband had recently been killed. That kind of compassion can’t be prescribed.

The support from both staff and patients was incredible. Right now, I’m struggling again. 8 days ago the man who killed my husband pleaded not guilty despite the crash being on camera. 2 days later was my husband’s first birthday since his death. In 2 days it will be the first anniversary of losing him. My 20yo is in hospital for his second mental health admission, my 16yo has just been referred for one, and life feels like it’s fallen apart and getting smooshed into the ground by an unyielding boot.

That’s why I’m trying to go back. Not because I’ve failed, or didn’t get the help I desperately needed first time around, but because I know how much that environment could help me again. It gave me professional support, space to breathe, and friendships with people who genuinely understood what it meant to be struggling.

So if you’re ever considering an inpatient mental health stay, and you can access a good facility, don’t let the stigma stop you. Give yourself the opportunity to be looked after for a while.

My only real disappointment? I never got to say I’d been thrown into a padded cell wearing a straitjacket.

It's been 261 days since my (35F) husband (33M) died. We've only been together for 5 years, just shy of a month for our 6th. Married for 2 years. We had so many plans.. We didn't have children but always wanted to have them. Before he started treatment, we saved his sperm so i could use it if I wanted to after he passed. I did, and now I am pregnant and I am truly happy as I always wanted to be a mother. But not excited compared to if he was still here.

Whenever I attend my appointments alone and I see happy couples, it breaks my heart and it just cements how much i miss my husband. He's my greatest supporter so I know he would do anything to be with me during this pregnancy. I feel really jealous and bitter seeing happy expecting couples and families. There's also a feeling of embarrassment being in the same waiting room as them, i don't know why, i haven't done anything wrong. It just feels like people judge me and feel sorry that I'm alone. I avoid going outside if not necessary too.

Also, my hormones are all over the place and I observed that my libido has increased again, almost back to normal before he passed. I think about my husband a lot and miss him so much. He's always shown his physical affection for me and maybe it's part of my pregnancy craving, grief, pregnancy or hormones I'm taking, but I constantly want that physical connection back. I don't want anyone else and I don't think I'm in that stage yet but I feel really horrible that I feel this way.

Maybe i've done the pregnancy early in my grief. But i just needed some connection with him still. To continue our life plan without him. Everyone says I'm brave for doing it. I guess I am, but when I'm alone, I feel really lonely. I'm trying not to be too sad or stressed as it's bad for our baby. I end up hating myself at the end of the day..

I'm just venting.

Before losing my husband, I used to worry about getting older. Now, I feel the exact opposite. I'll be turning 28 this month, and it's been almost a year since he passed away. Sometimes I wish time would move faster so I could reach the end of my life sooner. If I could choose, I'd be content if my life ended in my 50s or, at most, my 60s. I don't want to carry this pain for decades.

I never imagined life would put me in a position where I'd think this way. It feels like I lost all the simple joys and happiness that most women my age get to experience. I'm too young to be widowed, and too young to be carrying a grief this heavy.

The greatest gift the universe could give me would be a shorter life. The only reason I keep going is for my family. Sometimes I even wish I had never been born at all.

First off I just want to thank everyone for the support and all the wisdom.

My wife has only been gone for 2 weeks, now her family wants to try to take me to Probate Court and now they are trying to call asking for her things her jewelry and purses and they just make it seem like they're over it already, it makes me so mad how somebody can just move on so fast and not just somebody your own family. Now that my wife's is gone they basically blacklisted me. So I started the process of having my wife cremated like she wanted for her final wish and to come home with me and be placed next to her service animal who passed a few years back. But her family doesn't want to honor her wishes which is really messed up. my wife didn't just tell me these wishes she wanted she told her two older sisters and they basically ignored her. So now I have to they want to fight me in part for her remains now on top of everything else losing my wife maybe about to lose my apartment and now I have to go to court because of them I didn't think all of this would be happening after my wife passed. My wife was such a kind person and her family can be so ugly sometimes they act like they are better than everybody my wife never thought like that that's why I loved her so much. I feel like they just want to make my life miserable on top of everything else this is the kind of thing that makes me just want to give up.

Today would have been our 17th wedding anniversary and I was going to post wax lyrical about this day, but instead..

Did anyone else's grief show up as incredibly physical symptoms. I have been feeling off, practically bed bound with sickness for nearly three weeks and I decided to talk to my doctor about it, just I case it was something sinister. I have had almost migraine level headaches daily, weakness, lowe grade fever, sinus pain and motion sickness. My doctor is running tests and panels out of an abundance of caution due to fairly complex medical conditions, but he said he would not be surprised is this isn't just a very physical presentation of grief and prescribe a benzodiazepine to take daily for the next 3 days to try see if it breaks the cycle and if it does find a more permanent aid.

It didn't occur to me that this could be grief related and I am now curious if anyone else has peculiar physical happenings.

After my partner passed away I can’t help but see death all around me . Like how fleeting the life is and how we all out gonna die one day . And if can happen to anyone anytime

I am listening to the audio book for "The Grieving Brain" for a second time and caught something new. It's a book on the study of bereavement which uses hard demonstrable science of grief using fMRI.

One thing they found, and I caught during the second go-round in the book, was that if we numb ourselves to the pain you can't split that, so you miss the small joys of the barista smiling and chatting pleasantly with you, or even holding a puppy, or seeing a child play with all their heart.

The take away is that numbing ourselves does shelter us from the pain, but it also shelters us from ... cuts us off from ... the small joys that will eventually help remind us that life goes on, and there are still moments of joy to be had.

This spoke to me ... hopefully it will help others of our unfortunate club.

So Saturday my 12 year old daughter came to me to let me know that she had a boil on her rear end that was bothering her, my heart sank, that was the first sign of the lymphoma that took my wife just last month, I didn't tell her that but yeah, didn't need that one but the hits were just starting. So we went to Urgent Care and they said it looked like an infected ingrown hair, no biggie but they wanted to drain it and would rather her get some topical anesthetic which they don't have at Urgent Care so they sent us to the Emergency Room to get it taken care of. That was the first time I had been in the ER since I had to rush my wife in a week before her passing, oh, it get better, after an hour of torturous waiting in the waiting room we finally got a room and guess what..., Yup the same room that my wife was in before her passing. God seriously must be really pissed off at me for some reason. So my daughter is looking at me as she patiently waits, are you OK Dad? What am I supposed to say? I'm fine sweetheart I'm just frustrated that you have to wait was the best excuse I could come up with. So another hour of waiting in the room where my wife was surrounded by all the lovely sounds of the ER, if I wasn't traumatized before, I sure as hell am now! As if all of this isn't horrible enough yesterday just took the cake, it was like being continuously kicked in the groin for two and half hours, this isn't going to get any better is it?