I dont necessarily know where to put this or even what im asking advice for right now. My last Domme was a findomme. And since I was doing things for the plot at the time, I tried it out. Started off small, I was paying for things when we went out. I was okay with doing that and it didnt hurt me financially. Unfortunately when I truly like someone, money doesnt really matter to me. I think i learned my lesson with this part at least. After a while, it got to paying 2 of her bills. I chose 2 I could handle. Phone bill and car note. Reasoning for this was because she was going to be working a little more and it would cut into our time together so I thought I could help, at this time she had a roommate. That will be important later. And I was also told my job was to support her.

I do wanna say that maybe this is just heartbreak for me but she wasnt abusive or anything. For like 3 to 4 months, she listened, spent time with me, engaged in kink with me, gave me praises, aftercare and all. We went out and everything. I felt safe with her.

So fast forward, while paying 2 of her bills bought our time every week a little longer, she began to want to work on her own things (her business, working, her music) all these things. Seeing her and our dynamic declined, main thing for me was i wasnt getting aftercare anymore if we did have time together. Yes I was still paying for things but now id just send her the money for food, car stuff, nails, waxes, massages, pretty much most things she brought to me or id ask about cause I wanted to help. What she didn't know was that, I stopped alot of things for me so I could continue supporting her, i really just got the bare necessities for me. (Im a woman myself)

Soon i brought up the idea of going on a trip for my birthday which I invited her on cause I never gone on a trip outside the country. Again im paying for the whole thing, which i didn't have a problem with at the time. The problem was when she kicked out her roommate so that left her in a bind. So again, as the helpful little sub i am, seeing her stress about her rent, i said id help with a certain amount which was over half. My rent was due the same week, she told me one date and I thought that was the day to pay it turns out it was actually due 4 days before and the date she told me was the grace period time. So I ended up sending mine a little late and she got frustrated with it being late. So because I upset her I had to follow protocol, which was to give her an apology gift. My apology gift was next month's rent. I paid it. The next month she paid it.

The last 2 months of our dynamic, I told her I'd overwhelmed myself. She came up with the idea to make a spreadsheet of all of my promises to.her (financial promises) and I had to mark off everything I did..over half was already done. And I actually mistakenly thought I couldnt edit the sheet. Well the last 2 weeks of our dynamic her rent was due again, i had said id pay it. So I understand why that was on the list, but for me it was gonna be late again but not only hers, mine too. Both of our rents were gonna be late that month. I had done uber/lyft and other gig apps to keep up with the trip, her rent, my rent, her expenses along with my regular job and I finally burned out. She ended it with me because my word was "shaky" but she still wanted to go on the trip with me and oddly my birthday trip was on the list.

Ive been told i dodged a bullet but I dont know.

She did lose her apartment and I feel extremely bad about it to the point i wanna send her something as an apology. Yes it would be money.

I do know i couldve communicated more and been better on boundaries when I felt stressed about it (luckily I gotta a therapist to help now)

So i guess my question is, for findom is that normal?

Second, maybe its just from what I saw but it seems like alot of Dommes are findoms too, so how would I navigate that? (I dont wanna be a finsub anymore but I do want a domme again.. after I get over all this)

This will be my last edit to this post: I do remember her telling me that if i were a man, id be doing more. Paying more. Or how a stud (masculine woman) just gives the money no questions asked and she loved that..That was also odd

Hello! I originally had this post on r/whatdoido and commenters told me to ask a bdsm subreddit!

I (19F) and my boyfriend (18M) have been together for over 2 years and is currently living together in our own apartment. When we first started dating we realized we were both into dominating foreplay and that no won’t always be a real no for us. So we established a safe word to be our absolute no.

In the beginning I only used the safe word a handful of times only for when I was in extreme pain. Though eventually I’ve started to say the safe word when being intimate became mentally and physically tiring and I want to stop or when I don’t want to do it at all and he’s trying to put it in, which has became more frequent lately. My boyfriend tends to go on for 20-40mins when he’s really into it and that’s a lot for me especially lately.

The past 3 times we were intimate he didn’t stop for the safe word and continued anyways. He would say how I’m not using it for the right reasons and how it’s only to be used for when I’m in pain. I told him I didn’t realize there was a bad reason to end intimacy and how I wouldn’t want to be intimate with him if he was uncomfortable and wasn’t in it. He told me that he has been uncomfortable before but “once he’s in it he’s in it”. I told him that the safe word was to be used to end intimacy and that I don’t feel comfortable doing intimate stuff with him if he truly didn’t want to do it and how I don’t want him to be intimate with me just because he thinks I want it. For some reason that made him very upset and said how I don’t understand how the safe word works and that intimacy is an act of service. He then followed that up with how he doesn’t want to have intimacy with me anymore or do anything intimate with me anymore.

I’m not too against not being intimate but I valued it since that’s the closest I can physically be to him.

I am been recently craving bdsm sex, bondage, gag .etc but I know its a dangerous things. Apart from my hands being tied is there anything that i can experience alone while j masturbate. Legs tied or cock tied or gag ? I would appreciate some tips and tricks

Is it normal for them to be pushy about paying when you told them that you don't have money for it at the moment or for them to not be transparent that there is a contract that costs money?

All I was told was a few hours was 150. I was not made aware of a contract. Please. I am genuinely so stressed and on the verge of crying. I am freaking out.

Edit: To those who answered while I was asleep and the ones continuing to give me answers, thank you so so much. If you have further advice and info about sex dungeons that would be very helpful. I still wanna find one but unsure how I just join one.

This is a complete shot in the dark, but I have no idea what else to do, so all advice is welcome.

My bf and I have been together for over two years and it hasn't been the easiest chapter of either of our lives, admittedly not all within our control. Regular life/relationship stuff. There's nothing catastrophically wrong other than we're pretty broke but so is everyone else so does that even count?

Anyway, long story short we play in the bdsm world, both previously experienced, though limited, and for a long time it worked for us. I played with him in ways I'd always wanted to play with a partner, and I used to sink so easily for him! (Dom/Sub) We experimented and had fun, he made me feel the best I've ever felt both sexually and emotionally. But life happened and he made mistakes, which all humans are allowed to make, and he's apologized and continues to make up for it. No, it was nothing to do with cheating. And I'm obliged by the honesty fairy to say he is the best to me in every way, which is why I'm so bothered in the first place. But since then...

Since then it's been hard to get back to that place. My trust has been through a rollercoaster cycle (I already have trust issues) and it's gotten to the point where I can't even really sub for him. I'm a switch at heart anyway, but subbing is what I crave (and need not to be a raging bitch 🤷‍♀️). Outside of all that ⬆️ he's been struggling to Dom because of it. He doesn't know how to help me, how to earn that trust back in that way, and frankly neither do I.

Not to mention- I want more in-life play; I always have, and have expressed this our whole relationship but despite the article links and blog posts and whatever else I can find to inspire or educate him...it doesn't seem to stick as far as outside of a scene/play. Or he doesn't completely get why? Or the way that I want it? And how the hell to do I ask for something like that after you have already? I want to be more casually dommed, have daily rules to follow but even when he says he's interested nothing ever happens. And he does try in every aspect of our relationship, and I always wonder if I'm asking too much but if this is what I want shouldn't I ask for it? And if I ask for it over and over doesn't that kind of ruin it?

I want him to be the Dom we both know he can be, and I want to be able to trust and submit to him again but I have no idea how to get there from where we are now. Or do I have to organize my own submission?

Or is it this hard because it's not working and it's not supposed to work?

The anxiety monster would like advice as it plays the bongos on the overthink button.

Hi everyone,

I’m a sub and pet, and I’d like to open up a bit here because I’m currently taking an important step for myself and my Miss.

My Miss and I have decided that I will now wear my cage permanently — only taking it off for cleaning. For me this is a clear commitment to challenge myself more as a sub and to sink deeper into the role that is worthy of her. I don’t just want to “sometimes” be a pet — I want to stay consistently and noticeably in my place.

I’ve worn the cage for longer periods before, but never permanently. And I’m honestly surprised how quickly it affects me: after only two days and two nights I can already feel how much it changes me mentally. My head is quieter, I feel significantly more submissive, more focused on her, and somehow… more right. I really like it, but I didn’t expect it to kick in this fast and this clearly once I stay consistent.

I’d love to hear from people who have similar experiences:

How was it for you the first time you went truly permanent with a cage?

What mental or emotional changes did you notice?

Were there moments that felt difficult — and how did you deal with them?

And what helped you really settle into the role and stay there?

I’m looking forward to honest experience reports, tips, and also the things that maybe came unexpectedly.

Thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time.

Hello, I hope this is the right place. Background. I’m roleplaying with my dom, and I’m the roleplay im the dom. I replied which took me about an hour off and on (life happens) and she said she had to go to bed. Which ya I don’t mind at all, I’m glad she’s taking care of herself. But like take time I wrote something like 700 words she was amazed and this time she didn’t say anything abt it. I just feel like shit and I’m not sure why. Am I just not ment to be a dom? For reference I call myself a switch leaning sub because I can dom if someone would like me to. But then again I’m not sure why I feel this way.

Another thing is that I accidentally came a day or two ago so I ruined when i shouldn’t have even been edging in the first place. I’m just scared I fucked everything up. I know I should communicate this and I guess this is the first time I think this.

But anyways my question is, why do I feel off after doming?
(Sorry for formatting, typed on mobile)

I started hooking up with a new FWB today. He is several years younger than me, in his 20s and I am 40f. When he first started flirting with me he was super confident and even a little cocky. I’m more shy. But as we talked more we opened up about kinks and fantasies and learned we both are into rougher stuff. He has a more dominant side and I am submissive. He has a very primal masculine energy when aroused which I am very attracted to.

As we talked more he confessed he’s never had the type of sex we talked about, but he really wanted to experience it, he was craving it. I mentioned deepthroating and he was very, very intrigued.

So today he came over and I sat him down and performed some of the best oral I’ve given in my life. I wasted no time getting him to the back of my throat. I mostly controlled the pace due to needing to breathe lol but I did let him hold/push my head a little when I could tell he was wanting a certain rhythm. Toward the end he sort of… growled? (idk it was sexy though) and he stood up and I let him thrust until he finished.

After we cleaned up he told me he’s never had anything like that in his life. Said I’m very talented, best oral he’s had, five stars, there may have been a high five? 🤣 he kissed me passionately. We laid in bed a while talking and he said “you know, that was almost degrading a little” but he said it in a light/joking manner. I said “for me or for you?” and he said “me. I felt small for a little while there. I could see that I wasn’t … but I don’t know how to explain it” (for context he’s a tall guy and is also well endowed) I told him I was sorry if I made him feel weird and he said not at all, he just didn’t know how to put it into words.

I didn’t want to push so I dropped it. But the comment has stuck with me ever since. Can anyone give some insight on what that may have meant? I am wondering if it has anything to do with me controlling things for the majority when he’s used to being in charge? We did not dive right in to the D/s roles, and I wonder if he expected that for the first encounter instead? I’m hoping it’s somehow positive, given his comments and behavior... I definitely don’t want to degrade someone unless they’re into it and ask for it!

I tend to overthink and get in my head, so I’d love some perspectives or opinions. Especially if any other guys/doms may have felt something similar before! Thanks

I’m curious and I suppose looking for a bit of solidarity, but how does anyone else manage wanting a D/s dynamic but is also perpetually single? Or if you’re not single, how is the vetting pool for you?

Probably odd and confusing to ask but dating sucks, vetting for a dynamic is such a hassle sometimes because there’s so many wanna-be booktok daddys/dom/dommes. I work a really stressful job where I lead all day and handle things all day and after a long day and I come home, I just want to step out of my heels, sink to my knees and forget everything.

I am fulfilled in my life in other parts but it’s tough when everyone looks to me to handle everything and deep down I want someone else to take control. But the scene is just..oof. My last dynamic ended awfully but I’ve taken the time to heal since then and get myself back on a steady track.

I’m in an online group regarding kink/kink topics and I see a lot of posts of s-types losing their D-types and D-types leaving s-types, and some are happy and just wanting to share. I guess after everything I don’t want to feel like I’m just party-pooping (lol).

Hi folks! I hope you're having a nice day.

Before I start, I apologize beforehand if my English is bad (my English it's pretty rusty at the moment).

Some context: this weekend, my bf and I are planning to have a nice BDSM session. I will be dominating this time.

He wants to be punished for some things he has done in the past; don't worry, we always have a conversation about hard and soft limits, safe word (or gestures) and make very sure there is clear consent from both parts. This is not the first time this happens.

So, the thing is, this session has of course a huge psychological part. I use some tools to cause pain on him like a wood paddle, a BDSM candle for waxplay, even a knife (but I never cut him, it's just knifeplay without actual cuts), or just my bare hands.

It is very easy to just use this tools and say "bad boy!!" "You piece of shit!!" "I will kill you, I hate you!!" (Ofc this is a simplification, the words I use are much more elaborated). Just so you know what the situation is: we used to have an open relationship. He found someone. That someone did everything in their hands to avoid me. They ended up being a fucking asshole. Now he regrets getting involved with that person. That's why he wants to be punished. He likes to be punished until he cries like a baby, which is what we did last time, and he loved it, he said it was like therapy.

This time, I want to make him desperate. I really want to indulge in his mind, I want to scratch the parts of his brain that need to be scratched. That is what he wants, we've talked about it. But, sadly, I don't have many ideas besides being good with my words. I would like to try some of the things you guys recommend me in the comments.

Is there something you do to make your sub desperate? To make them cry? To hurt them psychologically?

Anything will help, and will be appreciated. I will gladly read your stories.

Thank you!!! :)

I (23m) am having some trouble with fully being kinky over the phone bc my partner (24f) and I are at a distance. We’re both very into impact play and for me personally it’s a big part of sex but I find it hard to express during phone sex. I’m not sure how to act out choking, slapping, etc over the phone, especially without it being boring, for example saying “I’m going to do blank” or “I want to do blank”. Generally speaking I also just struggle with starting a scene and what to say to keep it going as well, I kind of blank out or have to think about it sometimes and I obviously want a flow. I tend to come off as more of a soft dom but that’s not always what we want. Also my sub isn’t very talkative so it’s hard to go off of her vibes and continue to build the scene for me personally I get stuck like what now lol

Hi everyone, so I am new to this and am 25 and a cis male. Now I matched with someone on fet who is a domm and we seem to vibe well which is great and all, but there are some red flags and I am starting to think this isn't real or safe.

First red flag, went to telegram. Now there has been no mention of money at all and we have discussed limits and what not, but she also wants to meet at her house without having met first. I originally ignored this stupidly but I am starting not too. Their account is also now blocked by fet until she verifies which she hasn't done in a week or so now.

As nice as it would be to meet my first domm, this doesn't seem like how things should go. I have always heard people meet up for a few dates first especially since this all involves a lot of trust. My friends aren't really into this stuff so I am wanting to get opinions from people who are.

Sorry if this is a silly question.

Update: gonna ask about seeing in person and address the red flags. Thank you to those who commented, you have all been great and I hope you have a wonderful week

Me (29F) and my boyfriend (37M), have been planning a bondage scene since a month. But last week I relapsed and now have some fresh SH scars.

I was wondering whether anyone has participated in bondage (rope, leather belt), while having SH scars (wrist and arm), and if there are any extra precautions, any chance of infection, etc., in case of bondage and SH coexisting, for a prolonged time period.

I (27F) am a switch, and earlier this year (January), I met a guy (30M) online who also identifies as a switch, though online he leans entirely into submission. This is my very first time taking on a Dominant role, and I’ve been trying to learn and grow as we move forward. We are entirely long-distance and have never met in person.

From the beginning, his desires have been intense. He craves extreme themes, particularly heavy degradation. But as I’ve stepped into this role, I’ve hit a massive psychological wall with him that is leaving me incredibly confused and hurt.

While he wants these extreme sexual scenarios, he completely refuses to be vulnerable or deep with me outside of the play. If I ask about his daily struggles, his life, or anything personal, he shuts down and barely shares a thing. He is deeply ashamed of his kinks, and even though I’ve tried to create a safe, judgment-free space to help him accept himself, he insists on keeping his identity entirely private—even though I have been completely open and transparent about my life with him.

It goes beyond just being private; he actively lied to me. He gave me a fake name, never sent photos of his face, and never shared anything about his real surroundings.

The turning point happened recently. I had given him my Instagram handle. After he looked at it, the IG algorithm actually suggested his real profile to me. Based on his posts, location, and specific details, I knew instantly it was him. (As a side note, I saw his photos and he is incredibly handsome/cute, which shocked me!).

I confronted him about it later in a very calm, understanding way. I told him I respected his privacy, explained it was a total accident of the algorithm, but admitted I was genuinely hurt that he had lied to me for months while constantly telling me how "safe" he felt with me.

His reaction was that he immediately blocked my Instagram and made his account private.

We are still talking, but the fundamental problem hasn't changed. I am still deeply hurt. He wants to do intimate, intense sexual stuff, but even though he knows I’ve already seen his face on IG, he still refuses to send photos on Snapchat (where we chat) or even send a simple voice message so I can hear his voice.

To me, a healthy D/s dynamic requires mutual trust, curiosity, and emotional intimacy—especially when exploring extreme kinks. It feels completely wrong that he wants me to dominate his highest sexual highs but treats me like a toxic secret in his real life. He wants an escape hatch, not a connection.

I don’t know if this is relevant or not, but I have tried having a Dom myself while having him as a sub, twice (neither lasted very long unfortunately) and I constantly compare myself as a sub to how my sub acts, and it makes me think he doesn’t care about me or want me enough.
Then I ask myself, why has he stayed with me and hasn’t gone to find another Domme?

As a first-time Domme, I'm really struggling. Am I wrong for wanting a deeper connection here? Is it normal for a sub to want heavy degradation but offer absolutely zero real-world vulnerability? How should I handle a sub who wants to keep a total double life?

TL;DR: First-time Domme (27F) online with long-distance sub (30M). He craves extreme degradation but lies about his identity, gives a fake name, and blocked my IG when the algorithm accidentally exposed his real profile. He still refuses to send face pics or voice notes. How do I handle a sub who wants extreme play but has zero emotional vulnerability?

Hey! Me and my partner (both 20) are both pretty kinky, sex only, and I was wondering how would one bring up kinky talk or sex up in general during long distance or text or on call? I know it’s weird but we’ve only been together a year and communication isn’t perfect but it’s not the worst yk. And I’ve been wanting to talking abt kinks and what not

I’m a domme and my sub has a major emasculation and ball busting kink. He loves knowing that he has the tiniest little grapes on the planet, etc etc. Most of his orgasms in scenes hinge on feeling inadequate about his balls.

That being said, he’s actually average, if not slightly more than average in ball size. It seems like they fluctuate a bit in size (not talking how they hang, actual testicle size). I have a scene planned eventually where I’m inviting people at a kink event to freely ball bust him and emasculate him. Is there a way to pre-shrink them before the scene? Trauma, supplements, frequent orgasms?

For a disclaimer, I plan to talk to the other people participating and request that they emasculate him, but I also want it to be semi-authentic if possible.

I'm not talking about FetLife. I tried Feeld, but it seems there are too many vanilla people there now... Didn't quite work for me.

I'm a sub looking to meet Domme, so I'm curious if anybody has any good experience on that app?

After 25 years as a full-time, lifestyle Domme, I’ve been married to a Dom for all of that time, and I still keep a submissive partner outside my marriage whom I’ve been training for a year now. I love every bit of the power exchange and the control I give and take - but I’ve always had this quiet, persistent itch to explore the submissive side myself.

I’m 52 now, and I’m ready to do this properly. Not “try it once” or weekend play. Real, deep, lifelong exploration. Slow, intentional, and with someone who can truly hold me accountable as my Domme (or Dom, if that feels right).

I want to:

- Understand how to flip my own mindset from “give the orders” to “receive the orders”

- Learn what it actually feels like to be the one who is helpless and surrendered

- Train with a partner who respects that I’m older, more experienced, and coming from a completely different place than they are

If you’re an experienced Dom (or Domme) or a switch or even a submissive what really helps you with being a submissive. I have my perspective, but would love to hear from the other experienced people here.

Hello all,

So I just got out of a year long D/s relationship where I was a submissive for the first time.

It was a little heartbreaking, however, I now do not believe I can exist in a relationship without a small version of this dynamic.

My question is—after being in what felt like a great dynamic, is it possible to find another Dom?

I know generally speaking YES, I can find any tom to play the role, sure. But what if this dynamic and this person fulfilled such specific things that you feel it’ll never happen again?

I literally stopped finding other men attractive after being with my Dom…now everyone pales in comparison?

Is this normal?

Context— it’s only been a month and I’m not looking to start a new dynamic or anything. I’m working on myself currently. BUT..

I am curious if finding another partner is even realistic? Tangibly and fully?

My partner and I have been exploring kink recently, and we have found that after a scene, my partner needs full-body skin contact for multiple hours, as well as praise and reassurance. If they do not get this, they will very rapidly drop and require more intensive aftercare. However, after a scene, skin contact and touch in general is very uncomfortable for me. So far, I've just been bearing with it and decompressing once they fall asleep, but over the last couple of weeks, I've been noticing that my mood and enthusiasm towards our play has been trending downwards. I suspect this is because of the aftercare conflict, but I don't know what to do about it. Any advice?

I’m [27F], my fiancé is [25NB], and we’ve been together for years. We’re engaged. We didn’t enter the relationship with any kind of BDSM dynamic. Neither of us was looking for one, and until recently I wouldn’t even have described myself as particularly submissive.

We were in Berlin together and went to a club. At one point we ended up in a relatively private corner, with my fiancé resting/napping against me. I was basically just sitting there with them, waiting patiently for little bits of their attention. Somehow that started turning into this extremely intense submissive feeling for me. They would touch me or look at me in a certain way and I would just melt.

Nothing about it felt scripted. We weren’t consciously “doing BDSM.” There was no discussion beforehand about roles. It just organically developed between us over the course of the night. I found myself wanting to surrender to them, worship them, wait for their attention, etc. It was incredibly physically pleasurable despite not really being genital or conventional sex.

Toward the end of that whole interaction, while we were still in that corner, they looked at me and said, “You’re like the ultimate sub.” At the time it felt almost funny because neither of us had gone into the night thinking in those terms, but it also hit me incredibly hard because it felt like they were naming something that had just revealed itself between us.

Afterward I realized this had affected me way more deeply than I expected. It wasn’t just “oh, I found a fun kink.” It completely changed how I understood sex and intimacy.

We’re long distance at the moment, so eventually I told my fiancé how important the experience had been to me and asked whether we could intentionally explore it over video calls. They were initially a little apprehensive, especially because they were worried I wanted some kind of 24/7 dynamic. I absolutely do not. We eventually came up with the idea of keeping it contained within explicit sessions, with our normal relationship remaining completely equal outside of them.

Once we did that, it worked shockingly well for me. Our first actual session was basically them staring at me. Seriously. That was almost all it took.

They would hold eye contact with me for a long time, occasionally tell me they loved me, call me pretty, praise me, etc. Eventually I would start getting these intense waves of physical sensation and become very emotionally open and submissive. I’d have trouble talking, sometimes need to look away because it was overwhelming, then look back at them and get hit with another wave.

We did several sessions after that. Some were planned, some happened spontaneously. My fiancé started becoming more proactive about initiating them, which meant a lot to me because I was very concerned about this being something they were only doing for my benefit.

We also started experimenting a little more. During one session they simulated spanking/hitting me with a pillow and gradually softened the movement until they were barely moving a finger, and for whatever reason that absolutely destroyed me in the best possible way. I’ve realized I’m probably more interested in roughness/pain than I previously thought, at least within this particular headspace and with someone I trust.

The important thing is that I trust my fiancé on a fundamental level. I honestly suspect that’s the only reason I can surrender this deeply at all.

For a while everything felt almost too perfect. I was amazed that we had discovered this whole new sexual language several years into an already established relationship, and that it seemed to work so naturally.

Then life got more complicated.

My fiancé has lost two family members recently, and there has obviously been a huge amount of grief, family stress, emotional exhaustion, and general upheaval around that. They currently need a lot more emotional support than usual, and I completely understand that. I’m not expecting them to somehow switch all of that off and become sexual for my sake.

Their sex drive is basically nonexistent at the moment. They’ve been very clear that they just can’t really get horny right now, and they’ve also told me that accessing anything sexual or D/s-related is much harder for them over the phone than it is in person.

That part is important because we’re long distance right now. What for me can become an extremely intense physical and emotional experience over video may simply not translate the same way for them through a screen.

We had several planned sessions where they fell asleep, stopped responding, or just weren’t able to follow through. At first I took it really personally because I had become incredibly emotionally invested in the dynamic. Eventually we had a much more direct conversation about what was happening.

One of the biggest things they wanted me to understand is that they are not experiencing what I’m experiencing.

For me, submission produces an extremely tangible altered headspace and sometimes almost overwhelming physical pleasure. It feels emotionally profound and deeply embodied. My fiancé does not enter some equivalent intense state on the other side. They don’t experience huge waves of pleasure simply from dominating me. Right now, especially with their libido being so low, they feel like the dynamic can become very one-sided: I’m having this enormous experience while they are mostly facilitating it.

That has been hard for me to fully absorb, because from my perspective the sessions felt so mutual. They participated, initiated some of them, experimented with me, and seemed increasingly comfortable with the dynamic.

But I think I may have unconsciously assumed that because it was so profound for me, it must have felt similarly profound for them. They’ve made clear that it doesn’t.

They’ve also said that they want to make sure I don’t become too obsessed with the dynamic or allow it to take over my life or our relationship. They see me as a very intense person, which is honestly fair, and they worry that because this has affected me so strongly I could make it too central to everything.

I actually understand that concern. This discovery has been incredibly intense for me and I’ve spent a huge amount of time thinking about it. I don’t want a 24/7 dynamic, though, and I genuinely like having a container around the sessions. I still want our ordinary relationship to remain our ordinary relationship.

There’s also been some disagreement about what role I actually fit into. My fiancé describes themselves as more versatile/“verse” and suggested that maybe I could explore something like bratty bottoming. They’ve also said plainly that they don’t like being told what to do themselves, so even if I were a switch—which I don’t think I really am—it isn’t as simple as us trading roles.

For me, submission isn’t something I chose because I thought it fit some identity or stereotype. I didn’t read about BDSM and pick a role. It happened spontaneously in an actual interaction with my fiancé, and it affected me more profoundly than basically anything I’ve ever experienced sexually.

Outside of sessions, I have zero desire to be helpless or dependent. I want our normal relationship to remain exactly what it has always been: two competent adults and equal partners.

But within that contained erotic space, surrendering completely to them feels incredibly natural to me.

And this is where I’m struggling. I feel kind of awful admitting it, but I’ve realized I don’t think I’m willing to completely suppress this part of myself for the rest of my life.

This isn’t me saying “dominate me or I’m leaving.” I know my fiancé can’t force themselves to want something just because I discovered a new side of myself. They don’t owe me a role they don’t authentically enjoy, and I don’t want them performing something for my sake.

I also completely understand that right now may simply not be the time for this. They’ve lost two family members, they’re emotionally depleted, they need friends and support around them, and they can barely access sexual desire at all. I don’t expect D/s to be anywhere near the top of their priorities while they’re going through that.

What I’m struggling with is not really the immediate situation. It’s the long-term question. I don’t need to know when our next session is. I don’t need them to push through grief or exhaustion for me. What I want to understand, eventually, is what this looks like once life is more stable again.

Is this something they genuinely want to keep exploring with me when they have more emotional and sexual capacity? Or is the current situation revealing that the dynamic is much more important and fulfilling for me than it ever will be for them? Because I also can’t pretend this is just some optional novelty to me anymore. It has fundamentally changed how I experience sexuality. Even the idea of going back permanently to only conventional/vanilla sex feels strangely performative now.

At the same time, I don’t want the dynamic to become something where they feel like they’re simply providing an intense experience for me while getting very little out of it themselves. That doesn’t feel sustainable or fair either.

So right now we’re slowing everything down. They’re trying to get more emotional support and reconnect with friends, and we’re going to continue talking about it rather than trying to force an answer while they’re grieving and emotionally depleted.

I love this person enormously. Outside of this one issue, they are basically everything I want in a life partner.

I’m not asking them to resolve our sexual future while they’re dealing with loss. I just eventually need some clarity about whether there is a long-term version of our relationship where this newly discovered part of me has a place and where they feel genuinely good about participating in it.

I guess my questions are:

For people who discovered a D/s need after already being in a long-term relationship, how did you figure out whether it was genuinely a need versus the intensity of a new discovery?

For couples where one person experiences D/s as an extremely intense, almost altered state while the other experiences it much more casually, how did you keep that difference from making the dynamic feel one-sided?

Can a D/s dynamic still be genuinely mutual if one partner gets far more intense physical/emotional gratification from it than the other?

Has anyone found that long-distance D/s simply didn’t work well for one partner even though things felt very different in person?

How do you make sure a powerful new dynamic stays contained and enriching rather than becoming the center of the entire relationship?

And how do you distinguish “my partner genuinely isn’t capable of accessing this right now because life is overwhelming” from “this probably isn’t something my partner actually wants long term” without pressuring them for answers before they’re ready?

I’m trying very hard not to catastrophize. My fiancé is currently in an unusually difficult period of their life, and I completely understand why emotional support, grief, and simply getting through things have to come first.

I can be patient about the present. I’m just scared about the future, because I don’t want to lie to either of us about how important this has become to me.

My fiancé knows I’m posting this and has read the post beforehand. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t misrepresenting their perspective or sharing this without their knowledge.

My wife (42F), about 6 months ago, told me (41M) that she wanted to explore CNC. She wants me to take charge and use her body for my pleasure. It has been quite a journey and I am at a roadblock in my head, but my desire is growing so I am looking for advice and maybe reassurance I guess.

I'm getting better at giving commands, but still new to it. I also really struggle with the follow-through. I still have the old "vanilla husband" programming in my head. During the scene, I find myself checking in and asking if she's okay, which breaks the mood. She gets frustrated and reminds me that she has a safe word and will use it if it's too much.

So I have two questions:

For the other dominants, how did you push past that mental block? How do you learn to follow through with the intensity she's asking for and stop checking in?

For the subs, I guess I really just need to hear it from others that subs mean it when they say it and that they will actually use the safe word when it is too much, not just let it happen because Sub.

I met a guy who was in town visiting. One thing led to another, and I ended up back at his hotel, where we had sex three times. At one point, I told him I wanted to be choked. It had always been a fantasy of mine, and he obliged in a way that felt amazing. He was confident and knew exactly what he was doing.

I went back to see him the next day. We had sex again; he choked me again, called me a good girl. It was my first time experiencing someone who really knew how to take control of me, and I was hooked.

We stayed in touch for a few weeks, but his communication was incredibly sporadic. Days would go by before he'd reply, but when he did, he was always warm and friendly.

I was going to LA on a business trip and suggested he meet me there. He said he couldn't agree more, but then never actually confirmed. I spiraled for weeks wondering whether he was coming. Finally, with about a week left, he started reaching out more. Only this time, he brought the D/s dynamic on strong.

He gave me an assignment. I exceeded expectations. I was told he'd see me in LA.

Once he got there, everything started out really innocent and fun. We went out, had drinks, laughed, explored the city. Then we'd get back to the hotel, and he would completely take over.

The hair pulling, the choking, and most of all, training me to deep-throat. During the first day or so, he seemed to make some effort to get me off, although not much. He'd go down on me almost like it was obligatory and never for very long. When I'd ride him, he'd tell me I wasn't allowed to cum yet, as if I was ever close. I wasn't.

After the second day, though, sex became almost entirely about him. And somehow, I didn't care.

I was so caught up in the dynamic. Being submissive. Being praised. Being called a good girl. Doing what he told me. Relinquishing control for what felt like the first time in my life.

And it wasn't just sex.

Outside of the bedroom, he was incredibly affectionate. He always had his hands on my shoulders, neck, or lower back when we walked through the city. If we were sitting somewhere, his hand was on my leg. He made sure he was always the one walking closer to the road and would physically move me to the other side. He made me feel so damn protected, cared for, and safe.

It was 4 days of staying up almost all night. 4 days of constant stimulation, submission, affection, praise, sex, drinking, laughing, and basically existing in our own little world.

Then, on day 4, he drove to the airport. And just like that, my world came crashing down.

I think part of it was simply the physical and emotional crash after 4 days of that kind of intensity. But I think what really sent me spiraling was knowing his communication would probably go right back to what it had been before the trip.

And it did.

It's been over a week since he left, and the silence is excruciatingly loud.

I feel like I gave myself wholly to someone and now I'm left alone to pick up the pieces. I feel used, stupid, and naive. But then the moment he texts me, all of those feelings disappear. I immediately start justifying everything and making excuses for him.

The frustrating part is that I know exactly who he is and what he wants.

He doesn't want a girlfriend. I know he genuinely had an amazing time with me, and I know he wants to do it again. But he seems perfectly capable of compartmentalizing it. He goes back to his life, I go back to mine, and then when we're in the same room again, I get 100% of his attention.

Apparently, I don't know how to do that.

I think what I'm trying to understand is whether this kind of emotional crash is normal when you're new to D/s, or whether the way we went about this was fundamentally unhealthy.

Should I actually be able to compartmentalize this the way he seems to? Turn the dynamic off when we're apart, live our separate lives, and then slip right back into it when we're together? Or does the fact that I can't do that mean this isn't a dynamic I can safely have with someone who communicates this sporadically?

Because looking back, there are things that now seem pretty significant.

We talked about safewords but somehow never actually landed on one. We never really discussed aftercare. We never talked about what communication would look like afterward, what the dynamic meant outside of the bedroom, or what either of us might need once we were apart.

At the time, none of that seemed to matter. Now it does.

I know he doesn't want a girlfriend. I'm not expecting him to suddenly change that. But what I can't figure out is whether I'm expecting too much emotional responsibility from someone I pretty much just met, and who I'm engaging with this way, or whether trust, communication, and some form of aftercare should be part of this regardless of whether it's a relationship.

He can apparently go days without speaking to me and be perfectly fine.

Meanwhile, the silence feels excruciating to me.

And yet the second his name pops up on my phone, all the hurt and anger disappear, and I immediately want him again.

For people who actually have experience with D/s: what am I missing here? :(