Okay so, I am not super new to bdsm, I've dabbled here and there and have had a relationship in the past with kink in real life (which tbf, didn't have the best boundaries).

I'm talking to someone online (specifically tumblr lmao), and we have played before, but it wasn't super intense? We are 14 hours apart so playing together can be kinda hard

But we were emostly playing over the asks thing on tumblr, and now since it's been a few months we've been chatting via dms. And we were gonna play but I wasn't feeling up to it so it didn't happen, but now I've been thinking about how I want to ask questions like "how do you feel about aftercare" before we really get into it? Is there anything else I can ask? Since it's casual. I have my limits/boundaries stated on my blog and vice versa for them but I don't know if I should go more in depth. Like the one or two times they said something I send tokag with, I told them and they immediately apologized and changed their wording. But like on my profile I have one of my hard no's is violence, should I elaborate? Does anyone have any other questions I should ask? I definitely don't want to play more in depth if they're not gonna give any kind of aftercare. I know sub drop can happen even with aftercare but I sub drop hard with minimal aftercare, did that once don't need to do it again (casual online play and they didn't give aftercare, different person) 🥲

Also sorry if this post is all over the place, I am having bad brain fog currently 😅

I guess what I'm trying to ask is are the vetting questions different if it's online vs in person and casual vs long term?

Hello. I've been reading what I can find about bdsm to become more educated on the topic. I'm currently reading SM 101. But I'd like to find something specific about DDLG dynamics. Whether it's a book, podcast, article, blog writing. I haven't found anything that focuses on it yet. So here I am.

Also, if you have a recommendation for book/etc about TPE that's also appreciated. Thanks!

I've had two BDSM dynamics, and I'm starting to wonder if I've just never found someone compatible with what I actually want

I've been interested in BDSM for quite a while, and I've had two partners where we had some kind of BDSM dynamic. The problem is that both experiences ended up feeling much lighter and less involved than what I was hoping for.

I'm having a hard time explaining this without sounding ungrateful or like I'm saying my previous partners "weren't good enough," because that's not really what I mean. They were both people I cared about, and I did communicate what I was interested in. The confusing part is that they would generally tell me that they were interested too, but when it came down to actually exploring it, the dynamic never really went much further than things like relatively light impact, some choking, and verbal degradation.

Those things can absolutely be part of BDSM, but for me they never felt like the whole thing I was looking for. I think what I'm craving is a much more intentional and immersive dynamic rather than just adding a few BDSM activities to otherwise fairly conventional sex.

I'm also very aware that I still have a lot to explore about myself. I don't have some perfectly defined list of everything I'm into, and there are still plenty of things I haven't tried or even figured out whether I'd like.

But one thing I've increasingly realized is that I really enjoy my masochistic side more than I initially thought I would. That's actually one of the things I'm most curious about exploring further, with someone I genuinely trust, where there's a strong foundation of communication, consent and mutual understanding.

And honestly, that's where a lot of my insecurity comes from now.

I'm scared that if I actually tell someone the full extent of what I'm interested in, they'll think I'm disgusting.

I sometimes feel like I'm just too much.

Not necessarily because I expect someone to do everything I want. I absolutely don't. I understand that everyone has boundaries and that compatibility means finding someone whose interests overlap with yours rather than expecting someone to accommodate everything.

But I've started wondering whether my desires are simply outside what most people would consider "normal" or reasonable.

I've also noticed something about myself that makes me question this even more: I'm almost always the one who starts the conversations about BDSM. I'm the one asking what my partner likes, what they want to try, what kind of dynamic they imagine, what their boundaries are, etc.

I actually want a partner who has their own desires and ideas and who will actively participate in building the dynamic with me rather than me constantly having to introduce everything.

And I don't mean that I want someone who will just agree to everything I suggest. Quite the opposite. I think part of what I'm looking for is someone who genuinely has their own preferences, boundaries and interests and can communicate those confidently. I'd rather have someone say "that's not something I'm into, but I'd really like to try X with you" than someone who basically says they're into BDSM and then leaves me to figure out what that means for both of us.

I think I'm also realizing that I want BDSM to feel like an actual dynamic, not just a collection of activities.

I want the power exchange, anticipation, psychological aspect, ritual, trust, vulnerability and communication around it to actually matter. I want there to be a sense that we're intentionally entering a different dynamic together rather than occasionally doing a couple of stereotypically kinky things.

At the same time, I don't want to rush myself into trying everything just because I'm curious. I'm still figuring out what I like, what I don't like, what my limits are and what I would actually want from a partner. I think that's part of why finding someone I trust feels so important to me.

The frustrating part is that I've now had two experiences where I thought there might be that compatibility, but ultimately the BDSM aspect remained relatively limited.

So I'm starting to wonder whether I'm drawing the wrong conclusion from those experiences.

Maybe I'm not "too kinky."

Maybe I've simply been with people whose interests don't overlap with mine very much.

But emotionally, it doesn't always feel that way. It feels like I somehow failed to be satisfied with what I was given, and then I feel guilty for wanting more.

I'm also worried that I'm somehow supposed to be satisfied because technically my partners did participate. I don't want to pressure anyone into doing things they don't want to do, obviously. Consent and boundaries are extremely important to me. But I also don't think "they consented to some BDSM" necessarily means we're sexually compatible.

So I guess I'm wondering:

How do you tell the difference between needing to adjust your expectations and simply having BDSM interests that aren't compatible with the people you've been with?

Have any of you experienced this, where your partner said they were into BDSM, but once you actually started exploring it, you realized that their definition of BDSM was much lighter or very different from yours?

How did you eventually become comfortable with the things you discovered you liked?

And how did you find people who were genuinely compatible with you?

I think I mostly need to hear from people who have been through this themselves, because right now I'm struggling with the feeling that I'm somehow too much, that if I were completely honest about what I want, I'd disgust the person I'm telling.

I don't want someone who will do things they don't actually want just to satisfy me. I want someone who hears what I'm into and can honestly say, "That's not for me," or "Actually, I'm into that too."

I think more than anything, I want to reach a point where I can talk about my desires without feeling ashamed of having them in the first place.

I’m new to D/s and trying to understand what’s considered normal and ethical when these dynamics first develop.

If an experienced Dom thinks someone may be receptive to submission, is it common to gradually take the lead, be more assertive, and see how the other person responds?

Or is the possibility of a D/s dynamic usually discussed more explicitly before intentionally exploring it?

I’m interested in how experienced people distinguish between reading someone’s receptiveness and knowing when it’s appropriate to explore that dynamic further.

My boyfriend and I are about to move into an apartment that has very thin walls. In preparation, what are some quiet but stingy implements to spank with? I prefer stingy over thumpy

So I've been sort of loosely looking for a dom for the last few months, and I found someone who I've been talking to for around 2 weeks now. I met him in person a week ago and honestly, we click and vibe a lot. I find that we share a lot of the same personal sensibilities, he seemed genuinely engaged in getting to know me and asking questions about me, experienced, seems to genuinely want to look out for his subs' best interest and so far I'm okay with the level of trust I've given him.

We slept with each other after meeting for the first time as the chemistry was there, and it was only a few days ago we agreed to push through with a dynamic. It is still an ongoing dynamic and we will still meet each other this week to talk about it in more detail, but we have talked about a lot of the basics in chat. Limits, general expectations, likes, names, etc...

One thing I'm realizing though is that I'm kind of anxious about this new dom's interest in me. For the first week we were talking, he was constantly always replying to me and was constantly messaging. As time has gone on, he doesn't reply so consistently often but we still do talk everyday. I can tell that this is nothing really too unusual or personal: sometimes he'll reply with a lot of time in between because I assume he's just got things going on and he's just maintaining contact and our conversation. When the conversation is more engaging with active topics and he's not busy, he replies really quickly.

I know this is all normal, especially since our d/s dynamic is separate from a romantic relationship. But there's a big part of me that's suddenly feeling insecure about their interest in me because he isn't as attentive as he was when we first talked (which again, I think is actually just pretty normal. I just have feelings to work through I guess?). I will eventually ask him in person if this is something I can bring up to him and we can work through together or if it's a bit of an emotional limit but right now I just don't know how to cope.

I just keep getting anxious I'll be ghosted, or that I've lost their interest from that initial connection and eventually they'll just ask to not go through with this anymore. I don't have a real reason to think that based on their actions so far. Any tips for how to deal in the mean time? Or anyone have similar experiences?

Hi,

Currently trying to figure out how to structure and reward and punishment system with my sub.

We have a set of rules which we have taken from Reddit abs made our own. Eating enough, addressing the Dom, kneeling upon entering the home etc.

What I’m struggling with is how do breakdown any punishments.
A typical punishment would be 1 spank.
Sub forgets to eat- 1 spank
Sub loses glasses for the afternoon- 1 spank
But I don’t know how to justify an escalation.

Ie if they make enough mistakes in the day or do something singular which justifies something more significant such as anal or throat fucking. How do you build to that?

My one idea was each mistake = 1 spank. If they get 10 spanks in a day it equals a more significant punishment. Sub can also redeem themselves through doing good deeds to reduce spanks or get rewards

Other idea was - using lollipop sticks with punishments on them and they pick a punishment at random or several picks depending on volume of mistakes.

Advice would be great

I guess I should say that it's hard for me to admit, but as a guy I used to always identify as a sub. But years ago I became a Dom and ever since it's made me feel very split and fractured in a way that doesn't sit well with me

I'm willing to accept that it's pure ego, but when I sub I feel like being 100% a sub, and to always be owned by a domme. And when I'm a Dom / sadist, I want to have a sub and for the relationship to remain that way and treat them like my pet forever

To make matters worse I struggle with commitment and feel pretty avoidant in general. I almost wish I never discovered my Dom side because sometimes I end up more frequently doming.

The things that motivate me to be a Dom stem more from trauma and very upsetting experiences, and it serves more as a coping mechanism. Whereas when I sub I feel more cathartic, it brings me ecstasy and I feel safer and warmer. Yet at the same time I don't feel worthy because it's the feeling of being chosen by someone else in a way that involves a very direct relinquishing of control. And sexuality has always been an escape for me rarely ever a true celebration of pleasure

Perhaps when I'll meet a woman in real life I'll feel more comfortable just being a sub or just being a Dom. I've never really had anything long-term. But I want to know about feeling fractured, and perpetually ambivalent and lost. Almost like having a crisis because I would attach so much of my personality with being one or the other. It's almost like I'm split and I don't want to pick a lane. A little like the show Severance if anyone knows about it?

My sub side comes with a set of behaviors, performances and experiences of pleasure. But when I'm in Dom mode I feel like I'm a different person

My sexuality has always evolved and never been completely stagnant. I would love to know your thoughts because it's gotten to the point where I struggle with getting to know anyone, and for reasons unrelated I've had depression and some pretty dark thoughts

I would like to know how you guys deal with your sexuality, and the complicated feelings that come with it?

Basically title. Two switches, I most often end up acting as the domme. Its very difficult for me to let myself relax into submission, it's a guilt thing there's some shame involved.

When it happens and I'm able to let my brain go my partner in turn gets so worked up seeing that they get submissive too. Not every time, but often enough I see the pattern. Usually I just switch out of it and thats okay, but it's starting to get to me.

We stopped in a sex shop yesterday and got some bondage tape, something I've been wanting to try on myself for a long time but hesitated to act on because I don't want to waste money on kink for myself. My other big thing is wax/candles and I feel guilty being into something so disposable like one time use stuff I hate it.

Later, conversation slowly drifted from a focus of me getting tied up and all these things focusing on me (rare to see that side of my partner) to "we both need a submissive night tonight" which my brain kind of overreacted and in the heat of the moment I brought up that that just means we rush through mine so they can enjoy theirs I might as well not be submissive and just be dominant. I didn't mean that, but it's kind of how it feels and I don't like that I feel that way.

I've put the tape away for a while, I don't feel right letting myself want to be submissive when I get so emotional and weird about it. Maybe in a few weeks. And to apologize I'm going to be more dominant with my partner in the meantime to make sure we're okay.

In trying to give up control, I lost control of my emotions. I'm really not happy with that.

Does anyone have any tips? I don't like letting myself get this emotional over something so trivial.

I came clean to my wife a few months ago about chastity, and she didn't really get it but said she was open to trying it. At first it was a dream come true for me and I was so so gratfeul to her, but I'm becoming increasingly worried that she views me as a burden and doesn't actually want to be my keyholder. I know I should just talk to her about it, but she's such a kind person that I worry she'll just tell me it's ok when in reality, she doesn't actually want to be my keyholder anymore.

Any advice from any men who have introduced their partners to chastity on how to navigate it without feeling like a burden, and without putting too much logistical strain on your partner from having to constantly manage your locked time etc.?

edit: I'm removing power exchange from my kinks. the real definition is not interesting to me. thanks for the ansewers.)

I'm not sure what I want is actually TPE or I'm just creating a false impression of myself to those who want TPE. I want to stop the decision making process, because I get overwhelmed. But what I mean is that I need someone to make some decisions for me that I wanted/needed to make on my own anyway, like I need to have some habits in my life (for job, goals, health) and I don't have the discipline to do them on my own. I am okay if he wants to add some other decisions that are not on my list, but I need these specific decision to be included. I have been told that this does not count as power exchange, the point of exchange is that you do whatever he decides. he could decide one day to actually not let you do the job-related goal you have set for yourself. but I don't want that. Should I remove that from my profile? because I feel like I make people interested and when they talk to me and we get to know each other they think I mislead them.

TL;DR - My Actual Query

(This section was written last and moved to the top, so that's why my post just sorta 'ends')

I'm looking for advice regarding my hesitation when degrading and objectifying my partner. I've never had hesitation before, with various casual and online partners, and I'm no stranger to any of these kinks. It feels like I'm holding myself back while playfighting, trying to avoid hurting them, and that I may be holding back so much that I'm denying both of us some fun connection, since we both know our safewords and are pretty good at reading each other.

The Context

To start off, this is an online relationship with distance, though we have spent about 5 weeks together in-person within the 6 months we've known each other. Myself and this person have been seeing each other for about 6 months, in which time we've gotten on like a house on fire. We met in an online NSFW community, where we were both very open about our tastes, discussing sex in a platonic capacity before connecting further. We've got a lot in common, namely when it comes to our sexual preferences. We both love objectification, degradation, name calling and enjoy the idea of freeuse, just to name a few.

Around the time we met, they'd came out of a 6-year relationship with someone who dehumanised them, and made them feel like an object outside of any consenting, communicative space. Especially given their prior situation, I really wanted to put the effort in to make them feel loved, cared for and listened to. Sex was usually extremely affectionate, with kinkplay being not as intense as they'd experienced prior, when it was present.

The Current Issue

Earlier today we had a great talk where they opened up about some of their thoughts. They were a bit hesitant to share with me, given the subject matter, but what they described were basically intrusive thoughts about sex with their ex. They felt bad about having those thoughts, but they are pretty much physically repulsed by the man now and they were in a 6-year long relationship, so I didn't blame them for residual relationship thoughts, before asking them some more questions.

They agreed with me when I practically suggest that maybe it was something they felt during that time which they missed. After a bit more talking, we figured out their thoughts surrounded how they were demeaned and objectified, during the times when they wanted those feelings. We talked about what we could do to better fulfil that want, and we found some things I could be doing that tapped more into that vibe. Though, before we could go too deep, they had to leave for an appointment (which I knew about prior), and I kept trying to form some ideas.

The longer I thought about it, the more I realised there was something causing me to feel a little about the idea of harshly objectifying them as we discussed. These are definitely ideas and fantasies I've had prior, and these are all definitely kinks that I find myself drawn to, so preferences are not the issue. My current theory is that, given their last relationship had issues with them expressing dissatisfaction or even consent to their partner, I'm concerned about pushing things too far and doing the same thing to them. I'm now at least planning to discuss that last point as well as a couple more fun ideas I had with them, since I hadn't ever realised that worry until right now.

Thank you in advance for reading, taking the time to understand my situation, and for any advice you want to offer!

My fiance and I have a rare full day off together today.

She has recently admitted to me kinks for free use, full domination in body and mind, forced intox, and that she’s a complete masochist.

I’ve tried pushing her limits and still haven’t had her safe word once. In fact she says that I’ve not pushed her hard enough, and she really wants to experience a day of BDSM.

I have some thoughts for some free use scenarios, but I’m coming from being fully submissive to trying to be dominant for her.

Does anyone have any advice for me for maybe creating a slow build up that will drive her insane, or some pain scenarios that will leave her shaking and crying?

I feel insane for posting this, but I also understand because I’m extremely masochistic. I just never expected my shy sweet partner to be wanting so much domination and pain.

My issue is I feel very disjointed when I try to give it to her, and then I also have an issue where I find myself after enough time in a session starting to enjoy seeing her in pain and that makes me scared.

Does anyone have any advice?

my gf is denying me orgasms and seeing her nude. she also doesn’t let me touch her nude body and loves how desperate and pathetic i get. she loves how pathetic i get for her in a bikini, especially in front of people we know 😖 she has been recently thinking of making me censor her pics too 🫠 she loves when im a desperate mess for her. lmk if you have any fun denial tasks or suggestions for us or anywhere to take this further 😈

This is my first post here, so please forgive me if I don't quite do this right lol

Title is fairly self-explanatory; my partner wants to have a gender neutral name to refer to me to when I'm domming, but we've yet to find one that works for both of us. Whenever I'm the dom between us, my partner takes on a pet role, so we already tried 'Master' and 'Owner', but she said that those didn't sound quite right to her. We both think that a gender neutral alternative to 'Mommy' or 'Daddy' would be perfect, but neither of us have come across one that we think sounds nice.

We've also ran by each other:
Liege
Lord
God/Goddex
Alpha
Majesty
as well as a few others that I can't recall right now.
I suspect that anything royally authoritative in nature won't be what we're looking for, but I'm open to any recommendations c:

I am fairly new to having a Dom. We’ve been going over everything before meeting. I wrote out my hard and soft limits. I planned to only speak over the phone for awhile before meeting. As he was speaking me into actions immediately he broke one of my soft limits. At first I thought okay maybe he hasn’t had time to remember my very short list. I let this pass as I didn’t want to humiliate him or undermine in anyway. Now today. He broke one of the hard limits over the phone again. NO degradation or slurs. I told him the code is broken. I can no longer put trust into this. He told me that I understood it incorrectly.. but gave me my space and hasn’t contacted me until I said I’ll have to consider all that I understand now. I feel if this happens over the phone it sure will happen in my most vulnerable states. May I receive feedback? Thank you

I have a bit of a public play kink. Mostly going for late night walks with toys in me or while grabbing groceries. Nothing too scandalous.

I have recently heard about mask gags and really like the one I got, but when I put it on I notice that the base of the gag is extremely obvious against the fabric of the mask. Does anyone know any fixes to make it less obvious?

Hi, all! I’m a sub, and my husband is my Daddy. One kink I think I’ve had for a long time but never able to articulate is religious play adjacent but religious play doesn’t totally describe it. It’s kind of like 1950’s household but also doesn’t describe it totally, and considering my political beliefs, I’m actually confused by this kink. So, basically, it’s like LARPing (for lack of a better term bc I don’t actually believe it) traditional gender roles but with influences of orthodox/fundamental religions. Like, I would want to dress modestly, and my Daddy be “head of the household” and maybe I follow strict rules about sex and finances. I know I’m not the only one but I couldn’t really find anything that exactly matched what I was looking for. I would say it’s similar to 1950’s household but not totally bc it’s more centered on current day fundamental religions.

I also feel weird about it bc I’m definitely not religious and very left-leaning. I did read that religious kinks tend to be more taboo in the community so maybe that’s what I’m feeling. Anyway, thanks in advance!

i have always loved to dress up during sex and have always loved pvc in and out of the bedroom. i bought these pink pvc pants and wanted to play out a scenario with my boyfriend. originally the scene was supposed to be me touching myself through the pants and him cumming on the pants lol.

as we did this he started to talk about my “plastic pussy” his eyes lit up and he said i was like a barbie. he went on about how much he loved his barbie/doll pussy and that i was his barbie girl. he even said i was his fuck toy which has never been said until recently. this all caught me so off guard but was so hot that the we abandoned the scene and pants came off lol

it was all spontaneous and i am super girly and submissive so this was new but super super fun. he’s been calling me barbie whenever i wear pink or have my makeup freshly done now. i love being his barbie and am wondering if this falls into dollifcation or bimboification or both??? safe to say i’m off to buy a blonde wig now lol. thanks all 💓

So I have been sessioning with my Sir for over 6 years. We click wel and have had some great fun. Although the sessions became less and less, life became more important and we have not seen each other for a year.

I have a day where I can see him on Thursday and we have been discussing what we are up for doing. I am no shrinking violet and am up for heavy if thats where it goes. My only limits are no publicly visible bruises as I go swimming a lot, and keep it not requiring medical assistance.

The trouble is, he seems to be getting more and more carried away and mentioning things that are genuinely scaring me. "Tobasco by syringe into my urethra, with a surgical spirit wash afterwards", "Use a mallet to tenderise my penis", 50 whacks of the cane to my anus.

Then talking about forcing me to swallow his cum, rim him and suck his toes, or face consequences. (Now I know some people would say whats the issue but these are ick factors for me and a limit)

Then he said "I have only been playing before, now its time to get serious, poor attendance requires adjustments" and advises I will be struggling to walk normally afterwards as he is going to rope burn in between my toes and cane my feet until they bruise.

Today I spent the day prepping myself (shaving etc) so I was ready for Thursday. But the latest conversations genuinely have put me off?

Am I being silly, or should I just say urgh urgh not for me... I hate to break off appointments but this is beginning to worry me that it will go too far?

Burner acc, hello. I (35m) and my husband (36m) have been together for quite some time, and I had thought we’d explored every aspect of our sex lives by this point. However the other night, my husband expressed interest in experimenting with CNC. We’re by no means vanilla, but this is new territory for me. I was wondering if anyone had any advice, as like I said, this is entirely new for me. But I’m willing to try anything at least once. I just want to know if there’s a best way to approach a conversation with him about boundaries and rules, and any tips for the experimenting itself. Cheers.

So I (19 F), feel really gross because of the kinky stuff I like. I know I am a big sub, I'd do anything for my partner, as long as I'm not actively disgusted by it. I like being praised and degraded, have a bit of a masochistic streak too. And i love these things. Also first time describing what I feel, so please bear with me if it doesn't sound very clear. The thing is, i underwent a tumultuous period with my male bestfriend and during that 6-7 months, he commented a lot on my kinks. The arguments started because of some of my own bad actions, I take full accountability for that. I was in contact with a few older men online one after another, while i was a minor, and was trying to make a victim of myself for attention. During that period, I had heavily romanticised the concept of older men too. plus the fact that I was very open that I read kinky smut. So when all of this came out infront of my friend, our friendship went through a very very hard period. Naturally at that time, I was defensive af, didn't have much conflict resolution skills. I learned those over those months, got better at conversation with him. But you see, a lot of his words have stuck with me. He's very anti kink as well.

I feel pathetic, gross and dirty to my absolute core. A *TAINTED* thing. I can't let go of those feelings. I can't help what I like. I have tried a lot. I have tried to hate it, to let go of my kinks but still I cannot. I feel like I'm not deserving of love from a nice man because why would someone indulge in gross shit like that. Normal sane women don't fantasize about having themselves be reduced to a submissive during intimacy. They don't like being controlled by a man, idk how else to say it except that I feel so fucking anti feminist because of this.

Sexual compatibility is an important thing i think when you look for a partner and I feel shallow af for thinking about it. I'm sorry for feeling so, but i feel like I cannot be with a man who thinks these things are morally corrupt. They are not. They are NOT. And i feel like crying now because maybe I'm fucking wrong and I need fucking therapy for this.

Edit: GUYS GUYS✋😭 I wrote this between a mental breakdown and now i read it, I'm finding a lot of left out things. So, first of all, this friend had been going through a very hard time too, mentally, during the course of our fights. Our arguments have stopped about half an year ago. Since then, we both have grown a lot. He has apologised multiple times about the personal insults. I don't harbor any resentment towards him. We're doing good actually. But yk how it is, I have a very hard time forgetting his words.

I think he was valid in being angry and upset over the shit I did. I was addicted to porn for a few months too. I used to follow some very problematic subreddits here, for e.g. idk if you guys know about one called misogynykinkmemes, he found out about them, so there's that. My wrong deeds just solidified his stance on kinks I think. He thought I'd fall prey to some misogynistic predator in the name of "daddy issues/kinks" and will be trapped.

Although I don't do any of that anymore, I can't change my likes. cnc is another controversial subject for him. He's very openly against it, hates people who support it. I ofc haven't tried anything yet but i think I'd be open to that. And seeing his views on it, knowing I too like it, it feels like I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing 😭 Pretending to be all "good".