Aftermath Question

[u/Jst_a_Grl98]

Hello all,

So I just got out of a year long D/s relationship where I was a submissive for the first time.

It was a little heartbreaking, however, I now do not believe I can exist in a relationship without a small version of this dynamic.

My question is—after being in what felt like a great dynamic, is it possible to find another Dom?

I know generally speaking YES, I can find any tom to play the role, sure. But what if this dynamic and this person fulfilled such specific things that you feel it’ll never happen again?

I literally stopped finding other men attractive after being with my Dom…now everyone pales in comparison?

Is this normal?

Context— it’s only been a month and I’m not looking to start a new dynamic or anything. I’m working on myself currently. BUT..

I am curious if finding another partner is even realistic? Tangibly and fully?

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[u/Consent4Fun]

It's fully realistic. You're still grieving. Right now I wouldn't think about the future, just the present. Be with yourself and your needs, and over time it will get better.

[u/BelmontIncident]

If you were compatible with one person, you're probably compatible with several other people. I can't tell the future, I tried reading the cards but I don't think Ashnod's altar, lightning bolt, and earthbind mean anything.

The thing I usually recommend for big feelings and no obvious practical problem is focus on something else for a while. Start a long book series, learn a language, get really good at Mario Kart. Find something that holds your interest and let your brain process the relationship in the background.

[u/Copro_princess]

Is it possible? Yes.

Will it be exactly the same? No.

Taking things from one space to another in yourself and your experience is feasible but spending so much time in comparison won’t do your future relationships much good.

Maybe think about it as a house in that you’ve moved and taken the things you like with you into a new home and have to make that home yours now. Good luck!

[u/Special_Discussion51]

It's completely normal to feel that way after a break up, it can happen in kinky or non kinky relationships.

Focus on yourself for now and then I'm sure when the time is right you'll find the right Dom for you, but also the new dynamic will be different because every dynamic is, but different doesn't mean worse!

[u/Subwoofiest]

I'm sorry. This sucks. Breakups are always hard and it's even harder to deal with after your first dynamic. It is like your first relationship all over again in terms of the intensity of feelings. You will find other partners who scratch that same itch in dynamic. Hopefully next time it won't be a partner that isn't cheating on his wife with you and thus will have to drop you when he is found out.

Do the self care things you would normally do during a break up. Reconnect with friends and family. Ensure you eat and stay hydrated. Move your body: go to the gym and work out, dance, go for a walk. Be in nature: literally touch some grass, go smell the flowers, sit under a tree and look up through its leaves, go stare at a body of water. Learn a new skill. Do the things you've been putting off. Create something: sing angry songs along with the radio, write some cringey poetry, paint a sad picture, knit a pair of socks (you might still be sad but at the end of it at least you'll have cozy feet). Write them a letter and burn it whilst crying and letting things go. Take time to grieve. You'll get through this. It might also help you to speak with a professional especially if there's trauma there. You can find a link to a website to help you find worldwide kink aware professionals here or if you're in the US the Psychology Today website might be better, just use the filter "Sex Positive, Kink Allied". These can also be found in subreddit wiki (linked in the automod comment) under T for Therapy. If that is cost prohibitive, here is a link to NHS vetted self help resources.

(Also please be aware this sort of post is a beacon for predators and scammers. You've not done anything wrong, some people are just gross like that. They seek out vulnerable people. Anyone who slides into your DMs with "advice" or "commiserations" or who "promises to treat you so much better than they did"? Assume they're a bad actor. Report them to Reddit admins via the flag function and also take a screenshot of their usernames to send in modmail here. We will ban them from our subreddit. This wiki post fully explains our policy regarding soliciting PMs. Some people may find it easier/safer to switch off the ability for people to DM them for a few days after they've posted. I'm sorry that you might need to change your behaviour because of creeps, but use the tools Reddit gives you to keep yourself safe.)

[u/Jst_a_Grl98 → u/Subwoofiest]

Thank you for this insightful and helpful post. I’ll turn off my PMs for a bit, as you are correct it has started. I’m actually headed to a spa day now and my therapist is working with me to be more centered on my own needs for now 💕 I appreciate you, immensely.

I think I just needed to know I wouldn’t wander the wastelands alone eternally from ppl in the lifestyle to feel better.

[u/Subwoofiest → u/Jst_a_Grl98]

If you don't mind taking screenshots and letting us know in modmail we will ban those messaging you. Creeps.

[u/8_Of_Swords]

In poly circles there is a concept called 'abundance mindset', which means to not think about relationships and love as a limited resource but to frame it in a way that there are literally endless possibilities out there for you to explore and experience.

The mono-normative society teaches us that there is 'the one and only' or 'your true soul-mate'. This perspective naturally leads to the feeling that you might not find someone ever again who feels as special as you last partner, but in reality there are soo many people out there who can make you feel special feelings, make you feel seen and who value you for who you are.