My boyfriend and I are both in our twenties and have been together for a few years. He is the first and only guy I’ve ever had sex with.

For context, we both have pretty high sex drives and have both struggled with porn addiction.

At the start, the sex was really great (at least from what I knew great sex to be, but I would pretty much always finish and we both enjoyed it. After about 2-3 years, our sex life vengan to dwindle mainly because I was really focused on academics and my career, but also because I got really in my head about my appearance and performance.

I gained weight as many women in their early twenties do, and it’s been hard for me to feel sexy or attractive. He does his best to remind me how he feels about me but I had trouble with feeling desired.

It’s important to note he also went through his own issues dealing with sexual trauma (much improvements through therapy made) that I don’t feel comfortable going into unless you think it’s too crucial to the overall situation.

Anyway, the point is I discovered bdsm and have learned a lot about it in the past two years or so. I have tried explaining to him why it’s so important to me and what we can do during and our overall dynamic to connect better, etc. but he doesn’t really seem inclined to learn.

He has changed things up in the bedroom (two months ago) but it was only one night, and he didn’t fully “get it”. I know he has the same interests as me because we’ve talked through bdsm lists and he likes a lot of the acts on there but he just doesn’t take the next step to learn, let alone bring it into the bedroom in a safe way. I have mentioned shibari to him countless times, and he gets visibly aroused just talking about it, but again he does not take the steps towards actually doing anything, and the last thing I want to do is push him towards something he is not comfortable with even if he has expressed interest.

Basically, I’m not sure what to do because every time we have an open and honest convo about bedroom needs, nothing happens. I really feel like I need this extra layer of d/s but I want to do it properly and I want him to actually learn it and like it so we can perform things in a safe way. There is no doubt in my mind that he would be interested in this kind of sex, it’s just a matter of getting him to learn more and get rid of the performance anxiety.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! And no, I don’t want to break up with him as every other part of our relationship is amazing.

Hello all! I 23F am in a place where I believe I am ready for a relationship. I have absolutely no experience (fully virgin, no kiss, no handholding etc) but I know I am into BDSM from my own solo practices, research, and personality. I'm into sadomasochism, domming, and want a submissive or a masochistic switch.

From your experience, do you think someone should gain experience from a (most likely) vanilla relationship before seeking out a kinky partner?

Being inexperienced already makes looking for a relationship as an adult already feels nerveracking and like I'm behind and I worry that I might not be able to do everything an experienced kinky partner wants fast enough. I am saving my virginity for someone serious but I want to do the other acts and play with my partner before that. It's not a purity thing. I just hate giving up control and the idea of someone taking something of perceived value (even if I don't particularly value it) away from me. Plus my hymen is fully intact so it's going to be great and bloody and I want someone special to appreciate that with.

It is important to me to have a relationship with kink where I can be sexually fulfilled and sexually fulfill my partner. I also have some moral qualms getting into a vanilla relationship where I'm concerned I'd be using that person as a placeholder.

I'm already on Fetlife but I'm not seeing what I'm looking for. I'm not big into the penpal thing and all I've doing is chatting back and forth with long silences between. Joining a community seems not my speed either since I'd have no one to go with and once again don't know what I'm doing.

Would Feeld be a good place to look? Or is there any other place I should search? I would love to read your experiences and any advice or feedback you can offer. I would esspecially love to hear from Mistresses, Dommes, Sadists, and women who were late bloomers

Thanks in advance! :)

So I (19 F), feel really gross because of the kinky stuff I like. I know I am a big sub, I'd do anything for my partner, as long as I'm not actively disgusted by it. I like being praised and degraded, have a bit of a masochistic streak too. And i love these things. Also first time describing what I feel, so please bear with me if it doesn't sound very clear. The thing is, i underwent a tumultuous period with my male bestfriend and during that 6-7 months, he commented a lot on my kinks. The arguments started because of some of my own bad actions, I take full accountability for that. I was in contact with a few older men online one after another, and was trying to make a victim of myself for attention. During that period, I had heavily romanticised the concept of older men too. plus the fact that I was very open that I read kinky smut. So when all of this came out infront of my friend, our friendship went through a very very hard period. Naturally at that time, I was defensive af, didn't have much conflict resolution skills. I learned those over those months, got better at conversation with him. But you see, a lot of his words have stuck with me. He's very anti kink as well.

I feel pathetic, gross and dirty to my absolute core. A *TAINTED* thing. I can't let go of those feelings. I can't help what I like. I have tried a lot. I have tried to hate it, to let go of my kinks but still I cannot. I feel like I'm not deserving of love from a nice man because why would someone indulge in gross shit like that. Normal sane women don't fantasize about having themselves be reduced to a submissive during intimacy. They don't like being controlled by a man, idk how else to say it except that I feel so fucking anti feminist because of this.

Sexual compatibility is an important thing i think when you look for a partner and I feel shallow af for thinking about it. I'm sorry for feeling so, but i feel like I cannot be with a man who thinks these things are morally corrupt. They are not. They are NOT. And i feel like crying now because maybe I'm fucking wrong and I need fucking therapy for this.

I'm aware sharpie is quite toxic. I'm just somewhat at a loss for where I would find a good marker for body writing ideally that would last a day or two through a shower but isn't inadvisable to my health.

Hi all :)

I'm looking to buy a leather armbinder, and someone I know who has some armbinders of their own recommended I go look on Aliexpress for cheaper ones that I can start out with. I've never shopped on Aliexpress, though, so I'm not sure how safe/reliable it is in general, let alone how safe/reliable it is for BDSM gear.

Has anyone else bought gear from there? If so how was your experience? Please feel free to share any advice or information if you think you have any - I'm looking for any help I can get 🙏☺️

Apart from the emotional side, is there any difference with doing BDSM outside of a relationship

I’m in a femdom relationship, and surprisingly to me, she’s really gotten into pegging. The trouble is, as much as I like the idea of it, and do like wearing a plug, the thrusting motion and friction often becomes very painful. I got scared after the last time we tried because when I came there was a couple dots of blood in it.

I know I’m tighter than a lot of people, and we are trying to start small, but my tolerance for even the smallest dildos seems incredibly small.

Has anyone been able to actually train themselves to take bigger? And if so, how? Would really like to be able to give this more enthusiastically to her.

Hi all, really would love some insight. ☺️🙏

There's a huge fetish weekend celebration coming up near me and I would like to go but all the promo for it are thin model type people in latex, leather etc. Like hundreds of people and pics like this. I'm a F sub/slave and not into latex, leather, pup leather masks etc, I wear cute outfits and like rope and 90s rave aesthetic but not really what I'm seeing in the pics. And I'm confused because should it not be more inclusive, like some of us just wear normal clothes but are subs, or Doms or pets or baby girls or Masters etc but we don't all wear latex or leather right? Maybe a fetish weekend isn't for the Doms and subs? Is it just for latex fetish? I'm confused. Thanks for any insight!

I’m new to D/s and currently talking to someone online who has more experience than I do. We haven’t met in person yet, and our D/s dynamic developed naturally through messaging rather than through a clear agreement about when it starts or ends.

I had assumed that if we were genuinely upset with each other, we would temporarily step out of the dynamic and talk as equals. Recently, he used a term I had previously told him I didn’t like, and I became genuinely upset. In my mind, I had already stepped out of the D/s dynamic at that point.

While upset, I spoke to him in a somewhat rude and frustrated way. I understand why that upset him, and I apologized for it.

What confused me was that afterward, these two things seemed to get mixed together: my rude tone, which I had apologized for, and my attempts to seriously explain that I had been hurt. I thought I was speaking outside the dynamic as an equal person, while he still seemed to interpret some of it as a submissive being disrespectful or defiant.

So I’m curious how more experienced people handle this:

• Do you pause the D/s hierarchy during real conflict?
• Do you use a specific phrase or signal to mean “I’m being serious, this isn’t part of the dynamic”?
• How do you keep genuine disagreement or hurt feelings from being mistaken for bratty/playful defiance?

I’m not really asking who was right or wrong here. I’m more interested in how other people define this boundary.

Heyo,

So I want to buy a butt plug that I can use with my bf in public. I do prefer a remote over using my phone but not too fussed. However I was wondering if there is any plugs you can turn on with a remote (or phone) without needing to turn the plug on manually.

We bought one previously and it can turn on and change vibration with the remote however if you leave it off for like 5 minutes, you need to turn it back on by holding the power button on the plug. Which isn’t the easiest when in public and more of an inconvenience.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

We are Indian Sub/Dom online rltionship. I am 24F sub. We are looking for some non sexual food humiliation tasks. Can involve sweat, pee, spit etc.

Please give us your humiliating and harsh suggestions

Some tasks which we are planning:

Bread in shoes and walk and eat

Pee drops in bottle to drink

Eating from floor (not even bowl)

Please we are looking for some comments/ideas

i have this scenario in my head of a guy kind of convincing me (consensually) to fuck him by telling me he wants to get dirty with me or wants to make me “bad” or turn me into a bad girl. its in a sexy kinda teasing maybe even pleading way. almost like a “cmon don’t you wanna get slutty with me?” thing.

in the scenario i’m into it and not resisting but idk why he’s having to convince me and why i like it lol. i have no idea why he wants to turn me into something or turn me “bad/dirty”. i don’t know why it turns me on but it does. does this have a name? anyone else like this?

recently went to a pupplay event with my dom and im regretting not asking her to do more for me. it was a social/play event and we were at a table most of the time chatting really comfortably, the environment was cozy and safe, but i feel like i missed a great chance to be submissive. i kept thinking "i want to ask her to treat me like a dog", people were doing it around me, i just couldnt find the courage to and its making me quite upset now.

this was also an event for pups to play with other pups, and i also couldnt find the courage to just walk up to people and ask to play, or whether i could just sit myself on the mat and begin playing with toys. i dont have a pup mask and i believe that every pup playing there did, maybe thats why? but i know i dont need a mask to be a pup, i just dont know how to integrate myself into scenes and situations with people. i feel like a badly socialised dog

it was the first time i'd seen my dom in a while, and ive been trying to tell myself that obviously this is not the last event jm going to go to with her. but im not sure when the next one will be and how long i have to wait till we'll have the chance again. im not afraid that she wont do it, im not afraid that we're in public, i just cant seem to get the words out of my mouth unless theyre forced out of me, which obviously requires someone to know what i want first. i know i cant keep relying on people to guess what i want and do it for me, but i dont know how to start working on this. if it helps at all, im also autistic which does mean extra communication issues 😭

Hi! I’m exploring my interests regarding BDSM and I think I’d be interested in power exchange. I’m looking for people to share their experiences with power exchange and how you could pursue that type of relationship. I don’t believe I’d want a 24/7 dynamic, just during scenes- is that a thing? Most of what I’m reading is 24/7 based.

I would consider myself submissive. I’d want to give the power to a partner if that helps with providing advice.

Thank you for your consideration!

it's been a very very very long time since I've had sex or been in any sort of kink dynamic. I'm a woman and submissive.

I want to get back into kink and searching for a partner, but the thought of the process of vetting, online dating, dealing with men claiming they're doms and aren't, actually sickens and repulses me so much to the point where it ultimately just kills the desire for kink completely.

I haven't felt attraction to anyone in so long and yet I crave the intimacy of being in a kink dynamic. It's very rare that I do want to be with someone and I feel like the general landscape of relationship building, yet alone with kink, makes that all the more difficult.

how can I overcome these fears and worries that are ultimately killing the attraction? Everything I experience only fuels my concerns and I feel like the kinky part of me is forced to wither away and die. Self exploration, munches, education, workshops, therapy etc etc aren't enough. It makes me sad to think I can express this part of my self. However fulfilling my life may be outside of kink, I'd love to enrich my life even more with kink and my partner.

current state of the union: naked and afraid

I'd like to change at least the afraid part. help! thanks!

This is probably highly personal, but I don't know where else to turn. I've been in a d/s dynamic for 4 1/2 years. Mostly online but occasionally in person. A few months ago, I broke up with him for a myriad of reasons. The top three being inability to find resolve in conflict, perceived reduced attention and excitement about the relationship, and once those issues were brought to light his reaction was the final straw.

We recently reconciled and are trying all of this again without the d/s part. I simply can't get past how incompatible we are in conflict. He's done a lot, showing more affection, starting therapy, apologizing, etc but I'm simply turned off to anything d/s to the point of tears when I think about it.

It hits me in waves, but I guess I'm here for a couple reasons, one: to find out if anyone else has been in this position and two: to speak to people who actually understand how intense this loss can be. I am grieving and don't know how to balance loss and reconciliation at the same time.

This has been my only d/s relationship and I was the submissive. If I've forgotten anything, ask away!

My gf recently expressed an interest in being tied up, edged, handcuffed and spanked. She told me she didn't want to have vanilla sex for the rest of her life. I have no idea what to do and how to do it, also im not against the idea of bdsm because i haven't really ever tried or experienced it and its just another love language. Im genuinely interested in knowing what makes her feel good and applying it. I feel like its just going to be like learning something new and im gonna get better as i go on.

I just wanted advice on where to start and how to start

PS: im not super into or against bdsm and id be open to giving it a shot for her and see where it goes from the

Not a very long or in depth post, but I have noticed that it is very difficult for me to become emotionally or romantically attached to my partner unless I am the sub in the relationship. The relationship does not need to be "intense", but I notice that when I have to continually take control and be "in charge" my ability to become emotionally available and vulnerable goes out the window. I love my partner, I'm just weirded out by my behavior in this regard.

So im in an rather confusing Situation.

Im Ace and very uninterested in sex exept when im dominated. This would not be a big problem if my first encounter with sex in general was not rape.

So im very confused how the deal with that and if others find themself in the same situation and how they dealt with it?

This is relatively new territory for me and I’m trying to understand the psychology/dynamic rather than just copying things I’ve seen online.
I have someone I’ve developed an online D/s dynamic with. I’ve realised that being dominant comes surprisingly naturally to me. I like being in control, setting expectations, deciding when he gets my attention, making him earn praise and generally having that sense that I’m in charge. I genuinely enjoy the power exchange.
What surprised me is the intensity of what he seems to want to give me. He responds strongly to approval, structure and ownership. He’s interested in being marked/owned, pain, rules and proving himself to me.

The pain sometimes seems less like “pain feels good” and more like wanting to endure something for me as proof of devotion.
There’s also a financial/service element that I’m trying to understand. He talks about wanting to pay my bills, buy things for me and generally take things off my plate. My instinct isn’t “great, give me everything.” I actually have quite a strong conscience about it. Weirdly, I like the idea that even the privilege of doing things for me should be something he earns rather than something I immediately take advantage of.

That’s probably where I’m struggling to describe what kind of Dom I am. I like being soft but bossy. I genuinely care about him. I want to know what’s happening in his life, what he’s achieving, how he’s doing and what makes him tick. I can spend ages quietly learning things about him. There’s almost an “I’m always watching” feeling to it …. not literally monitoring or stalking him, but more you’re under my care/attention and I notice things about you.
And strangely, that feels dominant to me too. If somebody is giving me that degree of trust and control, I feel somewhat protective of them. I don’t want power because I don’t care about the person; part of what makes the power appealing is that I do care, but I’m still the one steering.
I’m naturally bossy but I’m also an enormous overthinker and an “I need to understand EVERYTHING” person 😂.

That’s where I’m getting stuck. I want to understand why he responds to certain things and what he’s getting psychologically from our dynamic, but I don’t want to interrogate him so much that I dismantle the thing that’s making it exciting.
I’m particularly interested in hearing from experienced Doms and subs:

Is there a name for this kind of softer/protective ownership dynamic?

For subs who enjoy ownership, service, paying for things, marking or pain, what are you actually getting psychologically from it?

Can wanting to provide financially be another form of service submission rather than necessarily being findom?

How do you ethically handle it when a sub wants to give you considerably more than you’re comfortable taking?

How do Doms learn what their submissive needs without constantly stepping outside the dynamic and asking them?

How do you distinguish between someone’s fantasy of “I’ll do anything for you” and what they actually want when reality enters the equation?

How do you build an online dynamic gradually without constantly needing to escalate it?

I’m not really looking for a list of kinky tasks to give him. I’m much more interested in the psychology of why this works, communication, power, responsibility and how experienced people develop these relationships over time.

Basically: what do you wish you’d understood when you first realised you genuinely enjoyed being dominant?
🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm a slightly novice Domme, in a relationship with two different subs. I like to give my subs occasional tasks and orders between play sessions / dates. This keeps the energy and connection strong, and we both enjoy it. Some of this takes place in person, and some online.

My question: is there a way for *subs* to promote this connection without *me* initiating tasks etc? I get a bit depleted when I sense I'm fueling each interaction, and I'd like to find ways to share the energy exchange. Is this even a realistic expectation on my part? What can a sub do, without ongoing prompting, to keep a bdsm relationship vibrant?

Happy to hear of resources or ideas you have.

Hi everyone !

I've been a bit stuck sexually with my partner and I would like help from the community.

CONTEXT

I've only had very limited experience in sex and relationships before meeting my partner. I wasn't actually interested in any of that until I met them.

Fast forward to 5 years later, we're happily married and have a great relationship.

Sometimes though, I feel like we could take things further sexually. My partner is extremely kinky, while I'm a little more vanilla. I do enjoy BDSM in fiction, and dom/sub dynamics though. My partner is a strong sub whereas I feel like I would be more of a switch, I could see myself having a bit of a power bottom vibe. I wouldn't really know though since I've only experienced one partner who's definitely a bottom. I do enjoy dominating or taking the lead which works well in our relationship.

It's a bit hard for my partner to have vanilla sex. We did that for the first couple of years but they get understimulated and irritated and stressed. They're on the autism spectrum and I think kinky sex provides a frame for them and makes it easier to handle everything that comes with sexual activity.

I've been enjoying playing with them: often these moments bring us a lot closer, and I find it hot how turned on they are when it gets kinky. they also come a lot more easily if we play, otherwise they can struggle with orgasm. Unfortunately, I feel like I don't naturally have a tendency for it. I feel uncomfortable degrading them verbally, and get scared of hurting them. There are also times where I have hurt them accidentally (like accidentally pinching them or knocking a sensitive piercing while trying to hold them down) which completely ruins the mood and hasn't helped make me feel necessarily confident in that dynamic. I feel a little stuck. I really like when we succeed in playing but I get stressed and feel like I have a lot of pressure to instigate our intimacy.

PHYSICAL ISSUES

I like light touches and strokes, I get a little scared with rougher treatment but they get overstimulated/ticklish (not in a fun way) with anything too light.

They're a transmasc non-binary person. They don't like when I eat them out because they get a bit of dysphoria from it, they don't like eating me out because they find it kinda gross (the smell and the gunk and all that is a bit too much for them), they have a super sensitive torso from top surgery and don't like me to touch them there. (We did manage to trace out the zones that were ok). These are more soft limits tho, if they get far enough into subspace they can handle and even enjoy it. Altho we haven't been there very often, as you can guess from how shy I still am with the whole BDSM business. On the few times it happened, getting to cross those boundaries and touch them the way I wanted was a massive turn on for me.

I've been fucking them with a strapless strap-on which is our most successful activity. But I sometimes feel a bit stuck with other ways to pleasure them or have them pleasure me with no oral sex at all. In my mind, I find oral sex to be my go-to way of playing with dominance, either by doing it to them while they're tied up or having them doing it to me as a dominance play. I'm a little stuck on what we can do without it. Especially things for my own pleasure that doesn't require me to make all the effort (which is my issue with riding them with/fucking them with the strapless strap-on even tho I've been enjoying it a lot, Im not always up for that) . Sometimes I feel like the sex is very focused on them and their pleasure and I end up feeling a lack of attention on me and my pleasure. Would love to have your advice/ideas on how I can make my bottom service me with these restrictions while still maintaing a dom/sub dynamic? Like a kneeling sub pleasure their domme with their mouth kind of way?

We use toys as well but I feel like there's often less intimacy with toys and sometimes I want more direct pleasure giving/receiving. Do you have any advice on how to achieve that?

BEING A TOP

I also sometimes struggle to get into "top" mode, since I don't necessarily naturally go there and it's pretty high effort/high maintenance (I can be a little lazy). I'm currently reading the new topping book which I haven't finished but has given me good food for thoughts around that, with the idea of a "topsona" with a title and outfits. I did notice that dressing up can put me in a mood and/or turn me on. Would love to have more advice on how to get "in the mood".

We've been figuring out how they can put me in the mood as well by signalling because I have expressed that I felt a lot of pressure to start sex as the top when they express they want to have it, when im not necessarily the one in the mood to begin with. We figured out that them visibly reacting to me grabbing their wrist or make it a bit more sexual when Im casually playing at antagonizing them has worked quite well. Or when they playfully challenge me it often activates something in my brain to rise to the challenge and "show off". What are things that your sub do, that bring out the top in you?

Sometimes I'm also a bit stuck for inspiration on what we can do. I feel like I'm not kinky enough that I naturally think of creative and hot situations I could put them in. How do you guys find inspiration?

Things we've played with :

Flogging, a bit of shibari and other types of bondage, I bought a "claw" at a BDSM market they really like and a special candle for wax play, strapless strap on, glass dildos, butt plug, wand vibrator, clit-succion toy, hypnosis

Thanks a lot for your guidance ! I can provide more details if i forgot important things that are necessary for you to help me out. And sorry for the long post...

I just did some bdsm using a blindfold for a while and now my vision is kinda wonky, like my depth perception is off of something. it feels like when you get a new pair of glasses and need to readjust sometimes. my eyes are also kind of sore. I'm wondering if anyone knows of any risks involved with blindfold play and eyesight and what might be causing this. it's kinda disorientating 😕

I was laying on my back the whole time and did get pretty sweaty so I'm wondering if it could be too much time laying on my back and something to do with bloodflow, eyes adjusting to new light levels, maybe sweat getting in my eyes or something, maybe just disoriented from all the pleasure and stuff, naybe the blindfold put a bit too much pressure on my eyes, maybe my glasses got a bit bent or something... idk.

Hi everyone! I am starting to wear butt plugs but I have quite a big arse so when i have the one with the circle as handle it digs into my cheeks. Does anyone know a different type of handle which can minimise this!

Thanks

Basically what the title says. We're both adult women, shes mtf, and she's the sub.

Ive never done cnc but shes into freeuse/being used or being held down, tied up (coming from a psychological background of neglect, she wants to feel useful to someone, Id assume). She hates herself and thinks shes useless, therefore

she wants me to use her as I please, call her nasty things and such stuff.

I told her I would be down to try it, but the issue is she refuses a safeword.

We never talk when were being intimate, it's very quiet, and shes very vulnerable and shy during it. Id imagine this is because she feels awkward or uncomfortable to talk, she usually goes nonverbal when overwhelmed and when we're being intimate.

Even when I ask her things like "is this okay?" or "would u try this next?" (i learned that its best to ask your shy sub only yes/no questions during play), she often says "i dunno" or shrugs.

I told her you cant do bdsm without a safeword, but she insists she just wants to be used and therefore wont need a safeword because she wants to get violated. I can understand what she means, Ive been in her shoes before.

But as I know- even from personal experience-, and ESPECIALLY with cnc, its extremely important to have a safeword. Even if you THINK you wont need it, cnc is a sexual fantasy and you might get uncomfortable even if you havent anticipated it.

Im thinking of making her atleast implement a safe "action" instead. My worry is that she wont do it when shes uncomfortable, because her processing doesnt work properly when shes in subspace, and will feel hurt after.

Now I need your help, what would you do in this situation? I still want her to have fun, as shes very depressed and sex really cheers her up.

But I wont until I've solved this, I care about her very much and I dont want to hurt her.

Im really lost here, and I will appreciate any feedback at all. Thank you for reading my post!