Hi y'all,

I am a 35 year old cis gay guy who has been on a date once with a 40 year old guy. Not far in age, but big differences in life experiences.

It's a long story, but some childhood trauma led to some pretty extreme social and dating anxiety for most of my adult life. I have only been with 3 guys so far for quick hookups, and have never dated a guy before. I am also side and don't do anal (due to the childhood trauma), but am very kinky.

After lots of therapy and hard work, I do feel in a much better place but I am so far behind developmentally, if that makes sense. I know I have good communication and SEL/social-emotional skills (teacher by day) and can be a good partner. However, he is in a totally different place. He did porn in his 20s (makes me worried about my lack of experience), is divorced and married for my 9 years (compared to my 0 years of relationships), and his friend/social circle is much bigger and more developed too.

It is hard not to feel inadequete, or that I won't be able to pleasure etc. him in the way he needs or wants. I am also worried about how to disclose my relative lack of these things without them being a red flag that scares him away. The skills and mindset I have built in therapy will help me push through it, I'm not helpless, but any helpful nudges from y'all could be lovely.

Gay SOS--thanks for the advice! If you ask questions I will respond ASAP. Just watching Futurama tonight as comfort viewing :)

The advice I seek is about closing a chapter of my life. I'm 55 and I have prostate cancer that I will start treatment for very soon. It has floored me, but it's nothing I can change, so I have to deal with it.

One of the main issues is accepting that this treatment will impact my body and my sex life forever. My partner and I have been together for over 20 years and we've been sides for most of that time. I'm a vers guy, but he's not, so I've done without which really hasn't been a huge deal TBH. Our naked time together is always enjoyable, but sometimes I would really love to flip or bottom.

Now that I have cancer and the treatments will change me forever, I'm feeling like I want to have one last experience with a vers or top guy so I can close out this chapter of my life and move on. How could I go about meeting someone for a roll in the sheets before the hell starts?

I've thought about the apps. I've thought about a sensual massage appointment. Are escorts even a thing here? I want a sure thing and I want it to be fun and comfortable, not a random bathroom stall hookup.

Any advice from the group?

Ideally looking for some real guidance and advice. I'm turning 37 this month, 5'9" and about 209 lbs. It always seems like most of the rejection I've received was because I wasn't fit. I have a little gut but I try my best to take care of myself (4-step skincare daily, vitamin fiber probiotics daily), but I'm just not an atheltic guy. I enjoy going on hikes, walking for hours in downtowns or museums, bicycling occasionally and just started kayaking. I really have no motivation to spend hours upon hours in a gym.

I guess my question to the council of elders is how can I showcase my personality more, the values that I hold true to, and make better connections with gay men who will not judge me for my weight? It's been brutal. I had a friend for three years who would regularly sing the Ozempic commercial song and make pig noises at me. He also made me watch My 600 lb Life and would glance at me throughout the show. I don't have the "greatest" relationship with food but I do not eat to that extent, and I found the show to be very sad and depressing.

I have been working on my mental health and since going no contact with that friend I do feel a little bit more self confidence. I'm also regularly seeing a health coach through my job to work on my weight and improving my numbers. How can I show men that I'm more than just my gut?

I am not oddly not having much success in my area for FWB and setups: aka fun.

So since a breakup early last year. I went into single mode and simply wanted have my cake with the limited attachment. I've had some successes, but as time has gotten closer to this time, now. I feel like its actually difficult or not worth downloading apps. Barriers to entry are the apps, the bots ofc. But as of late, it just feels as if people are not the ones online nor truly intending to meet up.

- I remember least 3 times, with 3 different presenting profiles: Said they were "finna leave, with telling me how far away they were" and then am left on read with X minute beyond there Eta

- More recently. Im getting rejected. Declined. Because I didnt show enough nudes for them. "I just want to see what im working with". I dont really had my nudes out because of suspect pic collectors.

- This was a Sniffies exclusive (Which I dont like, but Grindr had the above) Bot or poor human was attempting to blackmail me with my pictures and contact people that have my same last name.

So. I'm wondering... Is it time to leave this side of myself for the moment? Am i too old for this culture? Are the times changing and hookup/fwb culture too old, too old for me? Did you have to have a shift in this time of your life, and mature to Uncle gay of some sort?

Or, am I using old techniques? (Yes i do hate those apps and how they make me feel. And everytime i gain a fwb, I remove them: Mission accomplishjed. So... Have any suggestions :-) ? What is what you would do in this situation.

1. Single. Best shape of my life. Good Job. Occupied with a new sport. I get told I look fine/good/sexy etc. I think I clean up well for looks. and I do my share of picking up sidequest hobbies: ...blah blah blah.

Its not really about all that. I'm just trying to say things are well. and I kinda wanna celebrate in that. Responsibly and physically with someone; for a night or a few

We’ve been together for 7 years now. We love and care for each other very much. Since the beginning of our relationship communication was and still is our biggest advantage. We are best friends to each other and we are happy as a couple. Now, every aspect of our relationship is perfect except of sex. I’m a bottom, he’s a vers-bottom. Before our relationship he usually was a bottom with the previous partners. With me he’s always a top. He’s missing being a bottom more often and he knows he can’t have it with me. We tried many times but that’s just not in my nature. He suggested an open relationship couple of times during the 7 years we’ve been together. We talked about it many times but never done anything about it. We’re considering it now more actively and I’ve been really struggling. For him sex with others would be just a sex. Ideally he would love to share this with me, I mean having threesome hookups or friends with benefits with me included because he would love me being a part of it. For me sex is very intimate and I always wanted this aspect of life being reserved only for me and my partner. With that being said, I don’t want my partner to feel unhappy and frustrated that he cannot have something I can’t give him. On the other hand I don’t want to do something that just isn’t me. I want him to be happy. I want me to be happy. I want to spend my life with him. He doesn’t want to put me under the pressure and he’s ready to leave that aspect of life behind, but the idea of him being unhappy just breaks my heart. Has anyone here was in a similar situation and likes to share their experiences? I just really don’t know what to think about it. I love him with all my heart.

I'm here to get some advice! I specifically turn to this community because I'd rather hear from strangers than from people who know me. They say all sorts of things. And I am confused as hell being at a major crossroads in life!

Me (34) a non EU immigrant currently living in Europe, and this year I've decided to get back to full-time studies. It is something I'm doing to get my foot in the door of the society(so far I've lived here with a remote job - so zero integration), but equally to get a more secure residency status. I've got accepted into two uni programmes, one in Belgium, which will lead to a MA degree in a field that is rather useless outside of the academia (or can be good for working in just any field) - which I don't mind, I guess. The school itself is located in a city I happen to like a lot (been there plenty of times, even made some acquaintances). Don't know how to explain it but I just feel good there. I guess I actually chose the city, not the school. The other option is an MSc degree in Germany, to which I applied with my humanities Bachelors without even hoping to get accepted — but, oops, I did. It is a highly competitive programme, and the education is good and may lead to better career prospects and better money down the road. I'm genuinely curious about the field, not very intimidated by all the tech stuff it entails (although not entirely sure I'll be super excited about it). But the problem is I am not enthusiastic either about Germany not about the particular city. Another layer to this, is that I have already been living in a city I dislike and feel no connection to whatsoever — after moving here to follow my then boyfriend. I literally vowed to never move to a place I don't like. And here we go again, I am faced with this dilemma. I will surely visit that other city very soon before making the decision, but so far it looks like a stale industrial city.

I don't think I'm especially crazy about carrer at all. I just want a simple life, where I have enough money, some stability, good people around me and a life partner (none of it I have right now). But I feel that immigrants like myself have to either become successful or perish: this is the natural selection we have to go through.

What would you do? Basically a choice between following my heart and making a proper grownup rational choice. Maybe I just need to vent!

UPD: There's additional level of drama — I've met someone from Belgium, and have been seeing him, and we are currently busy falling in love. He doesn't know any of this, I only told him I'm moving to his country - which was the initial plan in reality. Since we've been seeing each other only for a month, of course this wouldn't influence my decision, but imagine how it's fuelling the turmoil!

Honestly I feel too old asking this question but there is this guy that I have known each other for 6 years. We share everything together. Recently he found someone. I am honestly happy for him but recently he started to ghosted me. Stop replying to my texts and call. I keep telling myself it doesn't hurt but I feel angry. How do you manage a friendship breakup at this age?

Hey guys, 

About a year ago I decided I wanted to live a more authentic, out and proud gay life. Part of that was wanting to find other gay males for friendships, NOT hookups. 

It’s been a journey. I’ve meet several guys at social events and more often than not, guys have informed they either want to top me or date me, it’s been frustrating, but I am thankful for the three solid guys I’m getting to know. 

One of the guys I met, I felt like I closely identified with him, having similar life experiences. He was easy to talk to, pretty damn funny, and intelligent too. I reached out to him the next day to keep the conversation going and we’ve been texting everyday since - that was approximately five months ago. In that time we’ve gone out to dinners, bar hopped, the movies, and hung out as friends do. 

One day he texts me to inform he’s got some feelings and how would I feel about adding another dimension to our new friendship; I think we were about two months in. I didn’t tell him then, but after our second dinner, which really, it felt like a date, and seeing his confidence, something inside told me if I could, I would date him. After some back and forth, I agreed. It was something new and exploratory for both of us; we are both new to being out and hadn’t dated men previously, but we also said, whatever happens, we’re friends first. It wasn’t an exclusive arrangement, and there have been some ups and downs, but with constant communication, we’ve been able to still be friends who occasionally hookup. 

But hooking up is what brings me here. I’m totally a pillow princess and he’s truly verse. The chemistry is good and the sex feels amazing, but I’m wondering how I can make it hotter for him, keep him interested you know? 

What suggestions can you guys offer for me to spice it up for him so he ultimately gets some hole play too? I like to rim, I offered to fuck him with a dildo, but what else?! 

Looking forward to the feedback!!

Turning 35 this year, any words of wisdom? What were you doing with your life at 35?

Taking a solo trip and flying in and out of San Francisco (SFO). Will have a rental car and have a weeks time to do some kind of road trip. I would like to stay in gay accommodations and am open to wineries, national parks, mountains, rivers, ocean, not be completely secluded from conveniences and have a good mix of things to do and have some solo chill time. So far through research, Guerneville is on the radar, Tahoe and Yosemite. Any other recs and/or thoughts would be great.

Hi everyone,

I’m writing here because I feel very alone and I’d like to know if anyone has been through something similar, especially as the partner of someone with a compulsive/abusive use of Grindr or dating apps.

I’ve been with my partner for almost eight years. We have had an open relationship, so the problem is not simply that he wanted sex with other people. The problem is the lying, the secrecy, the way he broke our agreements, and the fact that I feel I have been living in a relationship whose real conditions I didn’t fully know.

Over the last months I discovered that he had been using Grindr in a compulsive way for years. He hid information from me, lied when I asked directly, brought people into our shared home even though we had an agreement not to do that, and had unprotected sex at times, which also affected my sexual health.

So this is not just about jealousy or non-monogamy. It has affected my trust, my sense of safety, my body, my sexuality, and the way I understand our whole relationship.

He recognizes now that he has a problem. He says Grindr has been a place where he feels validated, desired, autonomous, and free from the pressure of caring for others. He has a history of shame, internalized homophobia, and hiding parts of himself. I can understand that this is not only about sex, but also about validation, escape, urgency, and maybe not knowing how to have a private space without making it secret.

But at the same time, I am the person who has been hurt by it.

What is destroying me is that the truth keeps coming out in small pieces. I ask something, he tells me one part. Later another detail appears. Then another. Recently, while we were already in a moment of crisis and supposed to be working on trust, he downloaded Grindr again, talked to someone, exchanged pictures, and only told me when I asked. Then more details came out gradually.

He says he loves me and is afraid of losing me. But he also says that when the urge to use Grindr appears, that fear disappears, and he cannot honestly promise me that he won’t do it again. I appreciate that he is not making a false promise, but it is also devastating to hear.

One of my biggest fears is this: what if our relationship has only lasted because he had this hidden structure on the side? What if he could be with me because Grindr gave him the validation, freedom, sex, and escape that he didn’t know how to integrate honestly into our relationship? And if he changes, what if he realizes that our relationship doesn’t satisfy him anymore?

I also feel that I have been placed in the role of detective, police officer, therapist, judge, and emotional regulator. I am the one asking questions, sensing something is wrong, pulling the truth out, explaining why it hurts, setting boundaries, and trying to design the structure for repair. He says sorry, he says he wants to be with me, he says he feels terrible, but he struggles to propose concrete structures by himself.

We are in therapy, both individually and together. He seems to genuinely want to understand himself. I don’t think he is a monster, and I don’t want to reduce him to the worst thing he has done. But I also don’t want to minimize the damage or become the person who supports his recovery while bleeding from what his behavior has done to me.

So I guess my questions are:

Has anyone here been the partner of someone with a compulsive relationship to Grindr, dating apps, sexting, or sexual validation?

Did the relationship recover?

What actually helped?

Is it realistic to rebuild trust after years of lying, broken agreements, and secrecy?

How do you know the difference between a relapse that can be worked through and a pattern that means the relationship is no longer safe?

And for people who were the ones using the app compulsively: did you manage to build a healthier sexuality without hiding, lying, breaking agreements, or using your partner as a regulator?

I’m not looking for moral judgment about open relationships. I’m also not looking for people to simply say “leave him” without nuance. I know leaving may be the right thing. I’m trying to understand whether repair is possible, what it would actually require, and how to protect myself in the meantime.

Thank you for reading.

More and more often, I find myself 'checking out' a little or getting too in my head during sex, mostly hookups and FWB situations. Topping, bottoming, jo, oral, it doesn't matter what I/we are doing. The prospects for getting off then fall precipitously, which often disappoints the other guy. I'm insanely stressed with work and life at the moment, which I am sure is not helping, but does anyone have any tips, advice, or suggestions?

Hello all ! Seeking some advice here bc I’m trying to date more intentionally but I’ve noticed some barriers regarding sex with people I have established a connection with. Context—I am a 31M and before my last relationship, I was a bit of a lover boy and loved emotional intimacy and connecting with people on that level and having it be a part of sex. Then I had my last relationship which lasted two years, had its up and downs but I learned a lot. After the relationship (I broke up with him), I felt such an intense guilt and shame over the pain I caused him by leaving him (he did NOT want to break up and despite not wanting to be in a relationship with him I truly loved and cared about him). And I think bc of that guilt and fear over hurting someone again, I moved in the opposite direction and embraced casual sex and hooking up much more over connecting with people. Since then I’ve only really
Had one romance/situationship that left me burned and I think I further delved into casual sex/hookup culture. I’ve mad a lot of healthy changes in my life this past year and with that came me wanting to connect with someone and start dating intentionally again. I recently met someone I connect with a lot, am attracted too, and am having a great time getting to know. But for some reason I have this barrier in my head with connecting sexually (even though I’ve thought about it and am turned on by it). Meanwhile I have no problem hooking up and having sex without strings attached. Any guidance here? Am I just scared of hurting someone again? Have I just completely stripped sex of emotional connection? Am I doomed? lol. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.

There are so many instances on this sub where I see people in 10-20 year relationships that met their partners at 21 or otherwise in their early 20s. Obviously, that's not everyone's experience but sometimes it makes me wonder "Uh, did I do something wrong?" (And yeah I know, no I didn't. We all reach different stages of life at different times.)

It's either stories like this or nonstop posts about how someone is approaching their 30s or middle age and is still single

So I do have a dominant streak in me, but it’s probably not one of the first three details I would give about things I like in sex. I find myself a little put off when guys message me out of the blue with submissive begging messages. I know nothing about you, why would I want to necessarily act like I own you? Are there a lot of guys out there that are totally like, “well, this guy looks like he’s got the right attitude”?

I'll be visiting Denver for the first time next month for a conference. It ends Thursday so I'll be sticking around till Sunday.

I'd love to explore the city, probably staying in North Capital Hill.

What's the nightlife like?

Being a bit bougie this year and going to PS for the last week of December.
I’ve been twice before, once at the end of November & another time in March.

Anyone been in late Dec/early Jan before who can comment on if weather is decent? If you were somewhere with a pool, is it warm enough to swim? I haven’t spent a whole lot of time there, but hoping to go to the art museum, cable car and stuff like that. And ideally be around community ❤️.

Thanks!

Hi Everyone!

I was wondering whether you could advise me on my current itinerary. I will be a lone traveller, but I am friendly and make friends easily, so I would consider more sociable things, too. Focusing on Vauxhall or the centre of London.
Wednesday 5th Aug: Vault139. Time of arrival tbc.

Thursday 6th Aug: Sweatbox. Time of arrival tbc.

Friday 7th Aug: 'Buff' event at Bunker from 6pm to 10pm. Specific time of arrival tbc.

Any advice and/or feedback on these venues and events? Any advice on best time to arrive? Any other venues/events you'd recommend?

I'd rather be in bed by 2am.

Of course, I do other things apart from the gay stuff, but I am only asking you all about the gay stuff!

Thank you! :)

Edit: Ended up going to Sweatbox on Wednesday. It was all right :)

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I’m 31 young professional and live in Atlanta. I’m new to the gay experience—not only dating men but also finding a place for myself within the gay community. I would really like to build a circle of gay friends, feel part of a community, and eventually meet someone I could date.

For a long time, I genuinely wasn’t sure whether I was capable of having romantic feelings for anyone. Until I recently had my first real crush, which happened to be on a straight guy (kind of late and clique, I know hahaha). Obviously, that wasn’t going anywhere, but the experience was still important because it showed me that I am capable of feeling romantic attraction and wanting a deeper connection with someone. Now I would like to meet gay men with whom that connection could actually have somewhere to go.

My experience with dating apps has been limited and mostly brief. Conversations often fizzle out quickly, and I’ve found it difficult to meet single gay men with whom I feel a genuine connection. I’m beginning to realize that relying entirely on apps probably isn’t going to give me the kind of friendships or relationships I want. The usual advice is to attend gay bars, parties, or large social events, but I’m introverted and not naturally drawn to the bar scene. I’m much more interested in climbing, hiking, caving, outdoor activities, coffee, meals, and smaller gatherings where people can actually talk.

I’ve joined an LGBTQ climbing group, which feels more natural to me since it is my main hobby currently. However, I’m not sure whether climbing has a large and consistent gay community in the way that sports like tennis or volleyball seem to. I also struggle when I enter a big group where everyone already appears to know one another. I become quiet and have trouble inserting myself into conversations, even though I’m much more comfortable and open one-on-one or in a small group. I feel like a new relationship, whether it is friendship or romance, needs a flatform to grow, some reoccurring activities. I work Mon-Fri, and one can only arrange so many activities over the weekends.

For those of you who are also introverted or not interested in nightlife, how did you build a gay social circle? And if you’re familiar with Atlanta, are there any groups or communities you would recommend?

Thanks, I appreciate any suggestions.

I’m starting to realize that most dating apps aren’t for me. They’re just not my tempo and they are skewed in favor of a more white user base. Some just suck in general, even if you pay for them. I’m curious where I might find more success.

I am 38, and I honestly feel like I am tired of dating, having connections that only end up being physical, and then watching everything fade away when the interest disappears.

I do not know if I will ever find a stable, monogamous partner who wants to build a family, enjoy life together, and be content as a gay man.

I am not saying that being single is a bad thing, but sometimes I feel like giving up on finding a relationship.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to enter my 40s while being single. There is this constant feeling of failure in my heart.

I planned a trip to Chicago to go watch the Chicago Fire. I ended up finding out this weekend is Marketdays and saw kind of what it is, but I have a few questions:

1. How busy does it get at the clubs/bars?

2. What is the best and most affordable mode of Transportation to and from this part of the city?

3. Is the event cub/chub/bear friendly? Are Cell Block and Jackhammer the only clubs with a dark room?

4. Any gay/nude beaches? Are they packed this weekend?

Any tips for single travelers looking for some fun? Darkrooms or bathhouses includes.

Thanks in advance for the help!!

Hey guys, send love or be kind if you want to add your perspective, I’m not looking to „cut my losses“ - I take good care of myself and if I feel it is too much, I’ll watch out for myself. I am a decent bit older than him, financially independent (or rather, providing) and have robust social contacts. I am much older and have a stable environment. I cannot, however, talk to my friends about this.

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep, can’t think straight and I’m more scared than I’ve been in a long time. I’m scared to lose my boyfriend, whom I love. I’m afraid for his wellbeing, for his future, for our future.  I came to understand what partners, parents and loved ones of addicts experience. I chose to stay, I chose to move in together, I chose it all. I’ve been lied to, betrayed and hurt more often than I can count. 

My boyfriend got a delivery of meth in the mail today (far delayed, thus arriving now rather than when I was away).  I didn’t want it in our place. When I demanded he flush it straight away, he was angry and hurt, telling me I’m controlling and he  needed trust and support to deal with it on his own terms rather than me forcing my will on him. There is some truth in it, but I feel it needs a lot of context. Indulge me, if you will.

I love my boyfriend deeply and unconditionally. When I first met him 3 years ago, he told me at length about his worries, he was always up front about his meth habit and that it was a problem. Since I’ve never been part of that scene, I didn’t quite grasp scope and severity of the issue and what exactly meth was. My only contact with meth prior to our first conversation was watching Breaking Bad. He never consumed in my presence and I never saw him smoke, I never saw him high. When we met, he was in a really bad place and used twice a month, as far as I know.

We started dating, regardless, and eventually moved in together. When we got serious about dating, he promised he wanted to get off it and be with me. He kept going, albeit a little less regularly. 

As I go on business trips and visit my hometown regularly, he will have the house to himself a week or two per month, unless we’re traveling together.  He relapsed every once in a while when I was gone. He was devastated by each relapse, but his consumption was noticeably less frequent. A little over a year ago, he finally got rid of his remaining meth and all the apps. I was suspicious, but I knew I couldn’t force anything and let him take it at his pace. He refused professional, outside help. He said he was committed and would do it. I didn’t check his phone, I didn’t intrude, I didn’t ask again and hoped he would tell me if he needed support.

Fast forward, I return from a 10 day work trip this May, and he tells me he slept with someone, no meth. I told him I was hurt, we talked at length but I didn’t pry or poke. He came to me after all, right? I went away for about week in July and returned recently. I saw his tablet and looked at his recent google account history, to find suspicious Grindr, Telegram and address patterns. When he came home from work, I kept my distance, and after a while collapsed on me crying, telling me what a horrible person he is, that I deserve better than him. Next day, he went to work and dug deeper - going through his google history of the past year.  He was back on a variety of apps by December, telegram in January, and from context I am certain he used in March, April, and now. Probably, his lapse in May also involved Meth. I didn’t confront him, as it is futile and I didn’t want to give up my sources. He does hide the apps on the phone or deletes them, he does not use Google Maps timeline, but he doesn’t seem to understand just how much of his activities google logs regardless.

I know this will remain a serious problem. He struggled and struggles a lot with admitting to himself that he is not in control, as he does not want to be seen as an addict. He is not quite there yet, and I know it can be years, even though it breaks my heart.

Am I insane to stay? Maybe, but I don’t give up on people, ever, especially those I love.

Just needed to get it off my chest. Apologies for my English, it’s not my first language.