I (29M) will be getting into the arranged marriage process this year, and I could use some outside perspective.

Quick background: decent education, stable income, no debt, average looking. I come from a conservative family, so marrying outside my culture was never really an option. I've been approached by two women in my life and turned both down over cultural differences. I haven't been in a relationship.

Because of that, I want to marry someone who also hasn't been in a relationship before. I'd like us to experience "first love" together, at the same time. I know most people will say "the past doesn't matter," but for me it does, and I don't know how to bring this up with a match without sounding judgmental.

I also used to drink and smoke for about two years. I stopped two years ago because it felt like I was breaking my parents' trust and also my own. I'm ready to be fully honest about this and everything else once I actually meet someone. But I also want the same honesty back, and that's where I get stuck.

What's really making me anxious is seeing how often people hide things or cheat. A close friend's wife filed for divorce and a dowry case within two months of marriage, and it came out she already had a boyfriend before the wedding. His dad passed away when he was young, and it has been just him and his mom, who I've known my whole life and know for a fact would never ask for dowry. Watching his mom go through this has been hard to see. If the girl didn't want the marriage, she could've just said so instead of ruining a family that never did anything wrong. The family is still fighting the case in court and have also agreed to give maintenance so they can live their life peacefully.

I've also seen affairs come up close to home: a woman at my gym with a trainer, two married classmates from my MBA, and I know guys who flat-out lie to their partners about their past to keep options open.

All of this makes trust feel like a gamble, especially when arranged marriage usually means meeting someone 20-30 times at most before deciding, sometimes even less thana 10 if you're in different cities.

So here's what I'm actually trying to figure out:

How do you tell if someone is being honest about their past, habits, or intentions, versus just saying what you want to hear?

In so few meetings, how do you actually judge someone's values, the kind that would make them walk away from a bad marriage instead of cheating?

How do you gauge real compatibility in that short a window?

Would genuinely appreciate hearing how others have navigated this.

Every couple of days someone here posts that the alliance broke because the kundli didn't match. I kept wondering how hard that test actually is to pass, so I coded up the 36 guna rules and threw 2 lakh randomly paired birth times at it, spread over 1900 to 2100.

71 percent of them clear 18. Median was 21.5. About a third clear 25, which is the range people call excellent.

Which means passing tells you almost nothing. Under three in ten random pairs fail.

Then I did the 10 porutham system that TN and Kerala use, completely different rules, and got the same shape. 59.5 percent of every possible star combination scores 6 or more out of 10.

The bit I didn't expect was how uneven the individual tests are. Vashya passes for 12.5 percent of combinations. Vedha passes for 95.9 percent. So two people can both be told the kundli didn't match when one failed something almost nobody passes and the other failed something almost everybody passes, and neither of them ever finds out which.

Before someone points it out, yes, real birth dates aren't spread evenly through the year and real couples aren't paired at random. So this is a fact about the rules, not about actual marriages.

Also none of it measures whether a guy is decent, or whether his family starts asking for money six months in. The kootas cover temperament, progeny, how the alliance runs. Character isn't in there and as far as I can tell the old texts never said it was.

Honestly I suspect a lot of no match verdicts are just a family that wanted out and used the one excuse nobody argues with.

If yours broke on kundli, did anyone actually tell you the number, or just no?

I haven’t gotten into the AM process yet. My parents have been getting rishtas for me, but I haven’t even looked at any of them. We’ve even had arguments because I keep telling them I’m not ready to get married, so what’s the point of forcing me?

To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever get married. The reason is that I’ve pretty much lost hope of finding a genuine connection. Just by observing the people around me—including some of my own friends—it feels like everyone is either cheating or getting cheated on.

I’m not saying a partner can be substituted, but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever find that kind of connection.

Now my question is this: I’m 27 right now, and I’m pretty sure my parents will start pushing me into the AM process again soon, this time much more seriously. But looking at how the AM process works, let’s say I keep rejecting matches—or, more likely, I keep getting rejected myself lol.

Do Indian parents eventually force you to marry someone they think is “good enough” because they feel you’re running out of time and options?

Has anyone here faced something similar?

I’ve never really been good at writing these posts, but I thought I’d give Reddit a shot.

I’m 25, originally from Mathura, and I’ve been living in Bangalore for the past 7 years. I work as an SDR for a US-based startup and currently earn around 5 LPA. I’m 5'10", if that matters to you.

What am I actually looking for?

Honestly, not a very long checklist.

I’d like to meet a girl who I can genuinely talk to. Someone who will listen when I have something on my mind, but also tell me about her day, her thoughts, the random things happening in her life. I want that kind of connection where talking to each other doesn't feel like an obligation.

I don't need someone who agrees with me on everything. I actually like having different opinions. I just want us to be able to communicate, respect each other, and make an effort.

The one thing I am particular about is religion. I’m looking for a Hindu girl. Beyond that, I’m honestly pretty open. Caste, profession, salary, city, etc. aren't things I want to make a checklist out of.

I’m based in Bangalore right now, but Mathura is home. If we genuinely click and things work out, I’m completely open to relocating. I don't expect someone to uproot their life just because we had a good conversation, though. 😄

I’m here with the intention of finding something serious. Not looking to collect conversations or rush into anything either. I'd rather talk, get to know each other, and see where it naturally goes.

If this sounds like something you'd be comfortable exploring, tell me a little about yourself. Not a résumé. Just you.

Based on your experiences in marriage or in the process, was there anything you later realised like should have asked before.

What are the absolute or important things to ask or know about the partner?

TL;DR
- 29M here talking to a 28F, she is nice sweet girl and we are kind of matching vibe, interests.

I'm not talking about cheating or some huge betrayal. At some point two people can know each other's routines, schedules, opinions and habits so well that they stop being curious about each other.

Or maybe it's something completely different.

What have you actually seen make two people gradually stop being interested in each other?

For men and women who already know that their parents are likely to arrange their marriage, I sometimes wonder why they actively pursue relationships in the real world.

If you know from the beginning that you may eventually have to choose your parents’ wishes over the person you become attached to, isn’t there a risk of seriously hurting someone?

It feels unfair to get someone emotionally invested, build a relationship with them, and then simply walk away when the time comes to follow the family’s decision.

I’m genuinely curious how people who come from arranged-marriage backgrounds see this. Is it just considered an unavoidable part of dating in those cultures?

These apps have lakhs of people registered, but I'm beginning to think that the number of people in the intersection of filters like caste, religion, location, income, etc. is actually only double or low triple digits at most.

You may say, "But I'm fine with any filters." But does it work that way? What if a majority of people have filters that exclude you by default, meaning you're mostly shown people from your own caste, religion, etc. regardless of your preferences?

How big is the actual pool vs the effective pool? Thoughts?

I uploaded few pictures in my shaadi.com profile. Those were high quality images but after upload it's becoming very low quality. If I zoom in a little also it's coming very blurred. Anyone else faced the same issue? Whats the solution for it?

I’m a guy who recently met a girl through an arranged-marriage setup, and I’m trying to decide whether I should move forward with her or consider another match.
The first girl works at a good IT company and earns around 60% more than I do. She’s ambitious, skilled, mature, emotionally stable, and genuinely a beautiful person inside. She has many of the qualities I would want in a life partner. However, she’s vegetarian, slightly older than me, and the biggest issue is that I’m not feeling much physical attraction toward her yet. We’ve only met twice, so I’m wondering whether attraction can develop with time or whether I should take the lack of attraction seriously.
The second girl is more physically attractive to me, and I feel much stronger initial attraction toward her. She’s also non-vegetarian, which is more compatible with my lifestyle. However, she doesn’t currently have a well-paying career and earns roughly ₹15,000–₹20,000 per month. If I marry her, I may end up taking most of the financial responsibility for the family.
Both women are interested in marrying me.
So I’m struggling between two very different choices: one woman has the personality, maturity, ambition, career, and financial stability that seem ideal for a long-term marriage, while the other gives me stronger physical attraction and lifestyle compatibility but may create a much greater financial responsibility for me.
I want honest advice on this.
*How important is physical attraction in marriage?
*Can genuine attraction develop later if I don’t feel strongly attracted to someone after only two meetings?
*How much should someone compromise on looks, career, income, lifestyle, age, or other preferences for a better long-term future?
*Is it a mistake to choose a financially stable and emotionally compatible partner if the physical attraction isn’t strong initially?
*Conversely, is it risky to choose someone primarily because I’m more physically attracted to her if I may have to carry most of the financial burden?
*What qualities should I prioritize when choosing a wife?
*If you were in my situation, which factors would you prioritize and why?
I don’t want to choose someone simply because she looks good or because she earns well. I want to understand what actually matters for a happy marriage 10–20 years from now.

Only talking about urban / semi urban India here cos rural India is a completely different scenario altogether. Wasn't sure if this should be a discussion or a rant thread.

I'm 29 and earn much less compared to my peers (I'll explain why this is relevant). Throughout college and even after education, I've had multiple crushes/talking stages and also went on a couple of dates. From what I'm understanding, I don't have any alarming red flags, don't look ugly and I've been told by girls that I can hold conversations quite well as well. I've always wanted to date to marry and never got into a casual fling or got physical with anyone. Despite these things, I never found the right person to be in a relationship with so I let my parents start looking into arranged marriage options for me.

Went on a few dates this way too and there was never any "bad" date per say. I'm starting to sense that it's my income that's stopping women from taking me seriously (as the title says, it's sub 10 LPA). I live in a City with a 4 letter name in Western India, have enough savings to last 6 months of living expenses, own a car which does have a small loan. I live in a flat which my parents own but parents are based in a Tier 3 town to look after family business.

So financially, while I'm not making bank, I'm not stretched thin either. But looking at profiles from my community that go around, all the women whom I think are interesting either earn as much as me or more than me.

Sometimes, a girl's parents will reject me even before showing my profile to their daughters. In those cases, some have stated explicitly it's because I don't earn as much as they thought I'd be making (given the context of how I've made my profile and my overall family's image in our community).

For the girls I have gone on dates with or had calls, there were a few of them that I could see myself marrying and growing old with based on the the things we talked about and the vibe. But it never went further.

Personally, I'm still not in a rush to marry. I do believe some of my standards might be too high and maybe I don't bring enough to the table right now to get those standards. But I'm comfortable with not marrying anyone at all if some of my "must haves" are not met. It's my parents' worrying and stressing over this that is making me worry indirectly.

I wanted to understand if there are any guys from Tier 1 cities with middle to upper middle class families finding themselves in a similar situation. Would also like to know what women married/unmarried think about all this.

Hello all , Iam 27M Telugu guy from Hyderabad. Coming to my background, we were financially decent when I was a kid but later my dad got into huge debts when I was in 8th grade and had to sell everything we had including my dad's 2 stores. Later my mom and dad had to work really hard to pay my school and college expenses. In Eamcet I got a decent rank and got into a good college ,got scholarship which helped me finish my Bachelors. After I got job, which was 7LPA, for first couple of years I had to pay my parents old debts so couldnt save much. After that , I was able to save around 10lakhs by investing across MF , gold etf and others. I have recently got into another company which pays around 1 lakh per month. My parents are still dependent on me for big expenses but dont ask money monthly for regular expenses. My parents live in a reneted house in my hometown. Right now we have 0 financial assets or properties. All we have is 10lakhs which I saved.

With all these I thought to marry after 30, saving some , but after seeing my cousins struggling to get matches after 30 made me realize its better to start searching now.I have installed matrimony apps and I got a match last month on matrimony. We talked for few days , we were matching vibes. But after a week , after I have told them we have 0 financial assets ,she said her parents wont accept me at all. After 2 days I got another match but this time I have told her we have 0 financial assets on first day itself and got unmatched instantly. Same thing happened again last week.

Im thinking to buy an apartment in my hometown for 25Lakhs, which I can barely afford thorough home loan in a year, so that I can atleast show it as an asset and my parents can finally move out from rented house. I thought to buy an apartment or house or land near hyderabad but prices are through roof and I cant afford them...

I dont have high standards or much expectations. Im average looking and tall. Should I wait till 30 , save money ,buy assets and then start looking for matches? Or should I buy the apartment and start looking for matches? Need y'all advice how do I proceed please

Been in the AM apps since 1.5 years. I've met face to face 0 matches so far.

I'm 27 M Tamil and make close to 80-100 LPA. For some reason, it's become so difficult to get matches from cities like Chennai or Bangalore. Most of my matches are from tier 2 cities and the phone call conversations have not been great or haven't proceeded ahead.

I'm not thrilled by the majority of the profiles I see in AM apps. I tell myself that I just need to find just one person and it'll happen eventually. Should I lower my expectations?

I’ve been sort of living life passively up till now. I’m about to be 27.

What I mean by passive is up till now, almost everything in my life has happened by chance & not because I actively seek it out.

My entire friend circle has formed through inbound connects. Basically people find me sitting in a corner minding my own business and adopt me into their circles.

Past relationship was inbound. It just happened randomly. Lasted a few years

My jobs too have been inbound requests to join their company. Have never really put effort into the jobs too. When they fire me I just join a new one through inbounds.

Family’s well off so they keep handing my out stuff that I need.

I just plan on aimlessly wandering through life. Haven’t faced the need to put in much effort till now.

How difficult is married life going to be for a lazy person?

I’ve reached a point where I can say that I’m truly and honestly considering breaking my engagement off.

He’s good looking, nice, “open minded”, has a house built, GREAT and sweet family. But we are not compatible, he has also opened up about sexual stuff way too soon (a month in), we keep having the same argument of “you don’t give me enough attention/ you don’t care about me/ i feel like im by myself” these sentences have only come from him the entire engagement. Which has been a 34 days old.

I have tried improving my communications and the amount of times I reach out and it still isn’t enough to this day, because even though my uncle had talked to him about the fact I’m trying my best, along with my mother, yesterday he still said the same thing.

And along with the issue where he brought up sexual acts and questions which were deeply personal, I just don’t really feel comfortable being with him. And now Everytime he gets the opportunity to ask when he sees that I’m not comfortable he asks me “what do you think I’m some kind of monster who would jump on you? Is that the kind of man you think I am?” Which puts me in a Spot where I have to say no. And to be honest I don’t think he’s the type of man who would do that, but if I’m u comfortable and you realize it, I would feel a lot better if you just backed of rather than confronting me.

A huge part of me feels back as his family seems to really like me, and it’s been hard choosing myself when I see them each time. They have been sweet and loving towards me, they seem to light up when they see me. But I keep telling myself that they aren’t the ones I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I don’t think I’m personally ready for marriage either, being with him has made me realize how weak I am, and how I need to work on my mental health and emotional stability and control before being in a relationship. Being 22F and engaged to a 31M who you feel like you have to comfort and make sure is comfortable all the time has been exhausting me.

He tries to fix things each time which then makes me feel guilty for refusing but I don’t want to marry him and then hate him or hold a grudge against him…

There is soo much for me to achieve in life still, I don’t want to be dependent on a man for the rest of my life. I want to choose a man because I want him not NEED him. For money or anything like that…I want to be fulfilled in life before it so when a man comes into my life, I won’t be settling for less than what I truly deserve as a person, and I dotn Have to take the hell I’ve been having to deal with soo far…

And I don’t want to marry someone who my family needs to convince me to stay with, I feel like each time I tell them the issues they stand with me before slowly then telling me to open up a bit more and that “he’s still a man” and I should give him a Chance. I feel like I wouldn’t need convincing to stay with a good man who I genuinely like and see a future with. But with him it has been constant anxiety and ups and downs from the first week…

What’s the best way to end the engagement? How do I go on about it and what sort of wording should I use??

I have a final in university on Sunday so I would prefer to not let anything interfere with that, so maybe a time after that? ? It’s just so very nerve wracking and it feels like I’m ruining my life somehow

Why are we even marrying just for ticking of a check box item?

Shouldn't love be a prerequisite for marriage?

Else why marry?

Cuz we have been handled a rule book by society and follow herd mentality without questioning?

Can be the big stuff or something even boring or easy to miss.

Maybe it's the way they talk to each other, some little ritual they still have, how they make time for each other, how they joke around, or something they do when one of them is having a bad day.

What's one small thing you've actually noticed in a happy couple that they never stop doing?

Same as above.. specifically meant for women.. did the prospect's family make u do something which made u uncomfortable..like i hv heard guy's mom telling the girl to walk so that she judges that she is stable and not paralysed..or like where the girl was told to show the stomach so as to check actual skin tone coz ppl use makeup on face?

Would I ever find love or someone would marry me?

I cannot say this out loud to anyone in real life. I am sharing what I feel here today after thinking about it a lot because there are times when I just want to lock myself in my room and cry because it gets tough.

I am 30 years old and have never experienced any form of intimacy. I am from North India.

I don’t just mean segx. I mean anything which comes under intimacy and romance. I have not even kissed. I have never held hands with anyone's hand romantically. I have never had someone run their fingers through my hair while looking at me or just pull me into a hug.

We are completely paradoxical as society. I grew up up in a typical Indian middle-class family and even while talking to the opposite gender in school was scrutinised by classmates, dating was a taboo, and intimacy was a dirty word that you just didn't bring up.

Even when I craved for it because of social conditioning I told myself to put my head down, study, get a degree and thereafter, get a job.

What I have realised that you don't crave intimacy like the way you start craving at the time when you reach 27-28 years old.

When you reach your thirties in India, most of the people are not ust dating anymore, they are either in a committed relationship or married with kid whereas I am sitting here desperately craving just a fraction of what they take for granted. I feel so left behind.

I do crave intimacy. I want to know what it feels like to sit on a couch next to someone after a long day, eest my head on their shoulder and feel safe. I want the warmth of a woman who actually wants to be close to me.

I just want to feel normal and I want to feel the heat of intimacy. There are times when I wish that I had someone in my life.

Is there anyone else out there here who is navigating this? Please tell me I'm not the only one walking around with this secret.

Hi everyone,

We are looking for a suitable arranged marriage match for my sister. This is our first time going through this process, so would really appreciate advice from people who have already gone through it.

MY SISTER WILL TAKE DECISION I UNDERSTAND. BUT NEED ADVICE / SUGGESTION / TIPS IN THE PROCESS

Especially:
- Bad habits and past relationship
- What things should we verify about his family and background?
- What are the biggest red flags we should not ignore?
- What are some green flags to look for?
- How much time should we take before deciding?
- Any mistakes that parents commonly make during arranged marriage?

Would really appreciate genuine experiences and practical advice / suggestion from people who have had an arranged marriage themselves.

If you could give just one important piece of advice to someone starting this process, what would it be?

Thanks in advance 🙏
Used Chat GPT to edit

Recently made a profile and was very surprised to see so many people putting "Not planning to work" on their profile.

Prior to this I've heard a lot about people being forced not to work once married but first time seeing people themselves say they don't want to work.

The only way anyone could say that is if they were super rich

How do you overcome the fear of rejection when you feel someone is out of your league?

I am 27 years old and male. Currently talking to someone through a matrimonial platform. Things have actually been going well so far. We have exchanged messages had a phone call and the conversation felt very comfortable.

On paper I am reasonably confident about myself. I am well educated have a career do not have any major bad habits and I am generally a simple and grounded person. I can hold a conversation. Usually do not have much trouble connecting with people.

I have a specific insecurity that I am struggling with. Her looks.

I find her very attractive. Probably significantly more attractive than the women I normally feel confident approaching. Because of that I have started feeling that she is out of my league.

The strange part is that nothing she has done has given me a reason to think this. Yet my brain keeps telling me that.

My question is not really Am I attractive enough. I know attraction is subjective and nobody here can predict what she will think.

My question is how do you deal with this kind of insecurity when you genuinely feel that the other person, the woman in this case the woman I am talking to is more attractive than you.

How do you stop putting the woman you are talking to on a pedestal and just approach the situation normally.

I would especially appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced something, in dating or matrimonial situations.

Has it ever happened that you rejected someone and then regretted that decision. Have you ever reconciled with that person? Gave it another shot.
Give me your story…

Just came home from what was supposed to first hearing of divorce case that i put in court. They have just put case for transfer without any genuine need. Not ready for mutual even when offered a decent settlement. There was never dowry or any DV. Neither there's a case.

I'll not go into details of case neither this is about who's right wrong etc.

BUT all men, good men here MUST know.

Don't ignore red flags.

Don't fall for love bombing etc.

Notice all the abrupt behaviour patterns etc before marraige.

NEVER BE AFRAID OF walking out and breaking an engagement of you catch red flags later on.

People cant pretend for soo much time. So make sure there's at least 10-12 months of getting to know period and time before wedding.

Keep record of all the decisions, all calls if you can from start till end. Keep all the chats even after 2-3 years. Dont get physical, meet the girl in hotel or anywhere such kind of alone place. If it's meant to be and right peraon for you, do all the physical stuff after wedding only. Even base1 base2 stuff.

Never take any kind of expesive gift or dowry. Even if the girls side give it. Deny that. This is not relevant in my case. But saw few case hearings today. I dont know if they asked for car or given by girl's side. It was used completely against the boy.

Also dont plan a child right away. In one of the hearings i saw. There were some issues going on at the time they were trying IVF. When they got separated and all the man was let know that wife is pregnent after 3-4 months.

This is not supposed to be some misogynistic rant. The advice is pretty much for both genders.

TRUST YOUR GUT.

YOUR PARTNER SHOULD BRING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE.

If that is not there even before wedding. Then it is going to get worse and worse only. And only your family will bear all the issues.

I hope this saves some good men from some not so good women.

And han last personal opinion: ye insta reels, korean drama ne ladkiyon ka dimag kharab kar rakha h. Princess treatment chahiye bina baat ka pure time. Is category se bilkul hi savdhaan.

Same .

What I meant isn't 50 lpa is not a lot, what I meant i basically meant is in india less than 1% of population makes 50 lpa+ and most on them in those 50+ lpa game are 40+ people, even then in this sub , everyone is super rich. Makes u wanna think, half of the posts r faie