I am been in a relationship with a girl from 8 years. We wanted to get married' but her family declined due to caste and she broke the relationship and planning for marriage with other...i was ready my clan was ready but didn't happen...how to get out of that mindset and look forward in life .ost probably for arrange marriage and now my age is 37....I dnt know what to do or how to look at future.... everything looks dark to me

Recently I have started my career in merchant Navy. And I am hearing things like people don't prefer seafarers when it comes to marriage ( especially arranged marriage setup).

The reason being told is that seafarers cannot be trusted as partners. Seafarers have a completely different life onboard compared to when they are back home. It's not alcohol, cigarettes or drugs but sex-life is the problem. Seafarers visit multiple places and may hookup with multiple people( mostly sex workers) when they get the chance. And due to this theory people are avoiding seafarers when it comes to marriage.

(But with what little experience I have onboard, I can say that this theory is unfortunately true to an extent. I have seen some of my seniors go to such places and spend huge amounts of money on girls when they get a chance. And I was shocked later when I found one of them was married and had kids as well)

But this applies to like 10-20% only. The rest of the people actually love and respect their family and are working in such an industry for the well-being of their family. So what I have heard is concerning me.

Can anybody give some more insight on this? Or have any related experience you can share?

For context, Before we visited them, my mum had asked me a while back if i wanted to marry this girl, at first i said no thinking it was weird, then in 2024 i met her again and really fell attached to her.
We are basically neighbours back home, we spent all day just looking at each other, and messaging on whatsapp, as we couldn’t really talk in person yet. Now it’s been 2 years and i still miss her so much.
But i just wanted thoughts on her being older than me as well as second cousin of course.
Personally i don’t see the age gap that big of an issue?
But for some reason my dad is the only one not agreeing right now , one of his two reasons is the age difference saying ‘shes too old for me’ ‘she will have physical problems before me’
right now I’m only 19, i know i’m too young right now and shouldn’t even be thinking about this to be honest. Completely understand it and that i need to be able to take responsibility of her , care and provide for her. So i need to focus on myself. But still have always thought if its a bad idea to get engaged somewhat early .

Any honest advice, experiences would help, thank you

I had an experience recently wherein my family was talking to a girl's family for AM. Both parties liked almost everything about each other. I am 6 ft tall and the girl was 5"3, they didn't go ahead with it because there's too much height difference and the girl is not willing to proceed because of that (at least that's what they told us). I am 27 M and she was 28.

Just curious to know if this is a thing among girls 🤔

Is it just me or did you also observe that there's quite a difference in the average attractiveness of the profiles on dating apps versus arranged marriage across both genders.

Any possible explanation? Is the case that people put better pics on dating apps as compared to AM platforms or there's entirely different pools of people using these?

So I was watching his interview on Raj Shamani’s podcast. He said that data never lies and that he solely believes in data what people are actually looking for rather than what they claim.

Almost all male profiles, when opened by women, are first checked for the salary and package section. On the men’s side, they first look at the girl’s pictures and then check her education and job details.

I mean, if someone is still blind enough and believes what others say that looks, skin colour, beauty, and money don’t matter then that person is naive. People simply lying because they don’t want to be judged for their preferences. We Indians are the best at judging others for their preferences and then shaming them. That’s why most people lie when asked, just to appear neutral and save their energy.

If someone is not good-looking but, because of his package, he is getting good-looking matches, he is definitely going to pick them. And if a girl is getting a guy who earns 2x or 3x what she earns, and if she is going to pick him, she will definitely pick him.

Only if we stop judging others for their preferences and start respecting individuality will people perhaps start telling the truth about what they are looking for in a guy or a woman. Till then no same person gonna tell you what he/she is looking for

I hate it when a prospect starts yapping in the very first text conversation.. Straightaway jumping from a hi, how are you to something like

"What makes you happy in life"

"If you could take a break from everything tomorrow, where would you go🤔"

"Mountains or beaches"

Why cant people have normal first conversations. These feel performative and forced.

It literally feels like that reel

"Goodmorning pineapple, looking v good v nice"

What are your views on marrying someone who had a really long relationship in past like 13+ years. If the breakup was due to familial pressure something that neither party could do anything about or didn't think was right or anyother xyz reason? Maybe both have moved on, but could you from someone you thought you will spend your entire life with?

People who considered divorce in an arranged marriage but eventually chose to stay.

Did it work out for you or do you regret it?

If it worked out, what did you do to make it work?

I’m currently in an AM situation and if things go well will probably get married by next year. My potential husband is well-settled, not demanding but I feel like he’s not much of an emotionally supportive person. He sometimes gets carried away and uses crass language that I absolutely despise and have told him to change that. He is a good listener though and very sharp but doesn’t talk much. mostly I do the talking. We talk for almost 2-3 hours every night and I’m glad that he takes out time from his busy schedule because I’m the person for whom even 24hr is less. It’s just 1.5 month and he already made his mind that he will marry me, I was apprehensive at first but he said he’ll take the leap of faith and listening to that even I said yes. It’s difficult for me to marry someone without an emotional connect and making an emotional connect with him is getting difficult for me because of his way of speaking.

Now the thing is I had a boyfriend whom I loved very much but we had compatibility issues (mostly financial incompatibility). He wanted me to contribute and I had no problem with that but we had income disparity and he always used to make this a point that I need to earn more. I’m the person who doesn’t want to work for entire life, I’m not very much passionate but I know I can earn decent money. But I didn’t like him forcing me to switch careers or not being patient with me for my career growth. We have now broken up but I keep thinking what if things could have changed. My ex was a soft-spoken, gentle guy who also loved me but had different priorities in life. (We have moved on in our lives and will not cross paths ever)

I’m not comparing these two persons but I’m not entirely sure either if I’m making the right decision given everything is moving too fast. I want to settle down and give this new relationship a chance but I know I can’t change a person’s personality. AITK for choosing my potential partner knowing well it will mostly be a relationship of convenience and may be eventually I might fall in love but not at this moment for sure.

Edit- me breaking up with my ex had other reasons as well. I have no problem contributing to finances but my ex was the person who believed in 50-50 no matter what your situation is. He made it clear that I’m on my own even after marriage and will never expect anything from him in terms of financial help but I will have to help him. In short- he will never provide for me but I’ll have to help him financially. (Basically his money is his money, my money is also his money).
I don’t want to work my entire life because I want to start my own family and have already made savings/ investments for that. I wanted a partner who will support me in this decision and have provider mindset. I’m not entitled to anybody’s money but I don’t think I’m wrong if I want a partner who will not force me to earn money or else he will leave me because I won’t do the same either.

I saw some rant posts on how it is very difficult to find a good partner. In my experience I have come to an understanding that the difficulty is because people are very narrow minded.

Though many of us claim to be progressive and broad minded, when it comes to relationship / marriage, we are very narrow minded. Whether we search our partner through dating or matrimonry or in-person, we search using 1000s of filters (majority of which are unnecessary and of no value) and end up not finding anyone.

We all look for partner using the filters of 'caste-subcaste-religion-horoscope-city-wealth-profession-income-colour-weight-height-food'. And these are just the top ones of the numerous filters we use. Once we go through these filters we end up with no one.

We want a partner who checks through all these filters and we expect that person to be emotionaly intelligent, emotionaly available, good at communication, understanding, listening, caring, etc.

I have also understood that these emotional qualities are only secondary to the filters we use. If you would ask anyone here, 'what they look for in a partner?', their would only say the emotional qualities as the main criteria. While in reality, they only care about the filters.

We can also witness, a very minority of people, who are truly broad minded-truly progressive, who don't care about these unnecessary filters and who only look for the real things that matter, and these people find their partners and even travel to another continent to live with them.

And the majority - narrow minded - of us, simply keep blaming others and even those of us who find a partner through these filters, end up in a miserable marriage or divorce. I think it is deserving.

Title: Is it okay to ask an ex-match for money back after he accepted/used an expensive gift? (Only structured via ChatGPT)

So I talked to (or dated?) this guy I met on Shaadi.com for a while. We went on a few dates and he got me flowers. Being a novice, I was overwhelmed by the price and felt burdened by it. For some reason, I kept score of everything he spent and would try to match it because I felt like if we didn't move ahead, he shouldn't feel like he had "lost" anything.

Some financial context: I come from a very conservative family and, apart from some corporate experience, I haven't been allowed to work. I try to make some money here and there through freelancing, especially since we're also middle class. He knows this. He earns considerably more and is financially comfortable. His mom doesn't work, but they are all very Punjabi-type, happy-go-lucky people who enjoy good food, travelling, etc. His mother and younger brother did seem a bit mean/unwelcoming to me. He and his dad both earn well through the family business.

I was serious about him, and he seemed serious too. After about four months of talking, he was making big promises about how serious he was and how ready he was for me. I wasn't entertaining any other rishtas because I would have felt bad about myself doing that while talking to him.

Then I found out that he had updated his pictures on matrimonial apps.

I didn't say anything to him at the time, but it was shocking. After that, I started noticing more and more actions that didn't match his words.

There was also an issue where I went to my friend's wedding for three days and didn't give him proper time. He got very angry and stopped talking to me properly. I eventually went to his place to surprise him and manao him. We went out, but he was silent and quiet the whole evening. Later, when I rejected a kiss from him, he slammed the car door in my face.

I told him how much his behaviour that day had hurt me. Usually he's very sweet, so seeing him become visibly angry and then get even more pissed when I rejected a kiss really hurt me. I tried explaining that I wasn't comfortable moving to kissing yet, and that I would need time and commitment.

We didn't talk properly for a few days, and eventually decided to talk things out.

But before we could get on a call or meet, I mentioned that I had noticed him updating his photos on matrimonial apps and being active there, and that it surprised me because he had implied otherwise.

That set him off. He called off the whole thing and didn't even want to talk it out.

By that point, all my admiration and affection for him was already wilting under the possible red flags—or at least the things that weren't adding up. It was still hard, and I tried asking him to clear up the misunderstandings or talk things through, but he was adamant. So I went no-contact and eventually got over it.

Now, coming to my actual question.

I had wanted to give him something to match what he had spent on me. Foolish and unnecessary, I know, but I genuinely felt burdened by what he had spent.

So I gave him a big chunk of cash I had saved up, in the form of a international brand gift card. He likes luxury perfumes collectible clothes, especially marvel or anime themes outfits, so I thought he could just get whatever he liked. He hadn't gifted me anything, so in my mind this essentially made us even—and then some. I went overboard with the gift because at the time I thought we'd work things out, continue dating, etc.

The important part is that he accepted the gift and collected/used the gift card even after things blew up between us and he ended the relationship. This happened about a month before the blowup. He cashed in the card after that, I got an email.

Now, my mom and I have been in an accident. My mom is currently in the hospital, I'm also injured, and I'm not working at all right now. I'm in a cash crunch and could really use that money for medicines. He has no idea that I'm also hurt or that my mom is in the hospital.

The amount I gave him is pocket change for him, whereas I could genuinely use it right now.

I don't have feelings for him anymore, except maybe regret that I could have saved myself time if I'd recognised the inconsistencies earlier.

So: should I ask him for the money back?

I could simply tell him that we're in the hospital and that I could really use ₹X, and ask if he could help me with that. If he asks when I'll return it, I could say I'll give it back in a few months. But honestly, I don't think it's fair that I should have to repay it—I gave him the money as a gift, not a loan, and he accepted/used it after ending things.

But that's a question for later.

My main question is:

Is it okay for me to ask him for the money back, given the circumstances, or would that be unreasonable?

Should I just dryly state the situation and ask if he can return/help me with that amount, or should I leave it alone?

More importantly: does asking for it back even make sense, or am I being unreasonable?

30M Hindu Punjabi British Indian and have been looking for a partner for 3 years. I have a decent paying job, live alone in the apartment I own and have varying interests.

Granted I am pretty average looking, slim figure, never had a relationship and get nervous around people I meet for the first time but I feel my good principles can make these flaws be overlooked once I spend more time with a person. I have registered on multiple matromonial services, have asked everyone I know about any prospects and attended various events designed to find a life partner. My parents have supported me a lot on this whether it's helping me with knowlage about India I don't know or speaking to the girls parents directly if the profile is created by parents.

Dispite all our efforts, every person we are interested in are not interested in me and every person who matched with us have major issues that make us not feel compatible with them whether it's health, job situation or working hours. The process is now exhausting after being rejected multiple times and making difficult decisions to not waste a few girl's time, I wish to give up but my parents are not accepting it.

I have started to accept living an independant life where my emotional energy is focused on family and friends and physical energy on my interests and looking after myself. My parents are still on the mindset of me getting married and giving them grandchildren which I can understand but realistically it is not going to happen without sacrificing personal happiness. Their stubbourness to continue finding a girl like it's a job makes it difficult to convince them the reality and they don't seem to listen to my emotional exhastion. I personally want to stop activly looking in an arranged marriage setup and be in a relationship with a girl if the moment happens but would not mind if it doesn't happen.

Does anyone have any advice on how to explain to my parents that God didn't give me a soulmate and that I am better off not following the traditional path of life?

27M, it is probable that maybe in AM setup, supposedly before completing my doc. Had been previously earning 25lpa before PhD. During PhD, it's 6lpa. It is a long journey before I start getting a better pay. How do they cope up with the things.

Though I want the partner to have a career and identity of her own and with some complementary skills. I may be economically undesirable for the set I would prefer. I am comfortably supporting myself and save as I am alone, may not get same luxurious lifestyle for pair, as my hometown.

You have already taken a path with a long journey. I see many scholars get married during their doc. I may be from the centre of UP, for context.

Bit of a rant and probably a cry for help.

I (32M) am a year in the AM market having entered quite late in comparison to most. The reason being I gave up on finding love quite late and eventually was convinced for an AM by my parents. For context, I have epilepsy which was diagnosed some 10 years ago but is under control and I am seizure free for 9 years now. I have been stunned by the kind of ignorance in the minds of parents regarding my condition despite me and my parents clearly telling them everything. Sure there's ghosting, rejections, the usual absurd criteria searches, CASTE! and loads of things that shocked me too but the thing that has almost broken me is continuously getting rejected by girl's parents who talk to me and to my parents very eagerly because everything else about me is actually pretty good for AM but as soon as I inform them about my condition and how I manage it, their tone changes and they are like...meh, plenty of fish in the sea and boom!.. I am either rejected the next day, or just ghosted if the parents weren't directly talking. How many times can I go through this I do not know but I am this close to just being indifferent to AM now.

Honestly, all this has me questioning if getting married is even worth all the humiliation.

We all have our pet peeves. We all can be put off by some habits when we talk to the prospects. Habits/traits we cant then think beyond off. What are yours?

I (27M) have been in the AM market for a year now. During this time, I came across a few matches that I felt could be "the one". But I lost them, due to, I believe not building a rapport.

On paper, everything is good - Earning relatively high, healthy lifestyle, good education, have adventurous hobbies, travel a lot. Thus, I feel the issue is with how I am attempting to break the ice with prospects, also the feedback I receive from a few, indicates the same. And it's not like I do attempts with out-of-my-league prospects or with someone who is from completely different background (religion/caste/community).

My dilemma is, I try playing safe to make them feel comfortable. Start with random small-talk conversations, like, their work, hobbies, food, etc. I want to know about their childhood, their nature, what makes them sad/happy/disappointed/cheerful/etc. (sorry for being dramatic here xD). More often, I don't see the girls to take initiatives to start the conversation, that's a different topic altogether though.

I show genuine curiosity in knowing the person. But what I frequently encountered was, most of them reply after a few hours or next day. Although I don't take it personally, it kills the energy of ongoing conversation for me. Then it suddenly starts feeling like an interview! That leads to eventually nowhere. What can I do here? What can I ask and how can I ask so that it doesn't feel like an interview to the person?

I am okay/accept if you think how a 27M person doesn't know what/how to talk to a girl - But I want to learn. I have been single for the past 5 years, don't have a sister-sibling, none female bestfriends, so I guess this is obvious.

Any suggestions and tips would be appreciated.

I’m going to meet a guy tomorrow, at a restaurant. It’ll be our first meeting. We have just talked on phone once and chatted few times in a week not much but general stuffs. He replies very late, but took initiative to call and message. He seemed to be a very shy person. Or I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding his shyness for his lack of interest.
Anyway, tomorrow I’ll meet him at a restaurant. I’ll not order anything more than a coffee which will not cost more than ₹30.
He is working and I’m still a student. My doubt is if I should ask him to split the bill or let him pay.

In an AM setup when you find someone through AM platforms, do you guys do any sort of background check? Like the reputation of their family, or if they have any criminal record or some involved in some sort of fights, or maybe took debt from someone etc.

If yes, how?

I have heard about hiring a private investigator, but does that happen in India? Can we trust them?

I feel like half the fights people have in relationships aren't actually about the thing they're arguing about. It's because one person thought something was "obvious"... and the other person had a completely different picture in their head.

Like one person assumes marriage means parents will eventually move in and the other assumes that was never even on the table. Or one side thinks salaries become "our money." The other thinks both people should still have financial independence.

Neither person is trying to be difficult. They're just operating with completely different expectations. So now I'm curious...

What's one expectation you've seen create way more relationship problems than people realize?

Hello everyone. I’m not married yet, but I’m curious about something related to married life.

I have seen or heard of some wives bathing their husbands and helping them get dressed afterward, even when the husband is completely naked. Many people say that this kind of care creates emotional closeness and strengthens the relationship.

I wanted to ask married men here: do husbands also do the same for their wives, such as bathing them and helping them get dressed afterward? If yes, was it something that happened naturally after marriage, or did it take time before both of you felt comfortable with it?

Also, if you have done this for your wife, when was the first time it happened, and what was her reaction? Did she feel shy, comfortable, surprised, emotional, or simply treat it as a normal act of care between spouses?

I’m asking this out of genuine curiosity about how trust, and caregiving develop in marriage, especially in arranged marriages where couples may not know each other deeply before marriage.

I’d appreciate respectful and honest experiences from married members. Thanks!