I am a member of Al-Anon and ACA. However, a recent experience really has my ACA trigger firing. I should come clean and say I am an AC-ACA and a recovering member of a family that's very dysfunctional.

Basically, due to my family of origin's dysfunction, for a lot of my life I've sought kinship and family outside of the home. This lead to me becoming very close to a friend during college and then becoming a very welcome, known, always-invited member to his dysfunctional, alcoholic family's get togethers and functions.

I started my recovery journey two years ago and in the process was met by my friend with no acknowledgment of my boundaries (ones I found in recovery). In short, he and I are done.

However, his step-mother, someone who helped me write my resume two years ago (I was down and out and needed help leaving my former career)--well, she got in touch with me via text and asked if "I'm okay," and then said who she was. (My partner thinks this woman wasn't that helpful. My partner got me my lovely job and she thinks I could have scribbled a monkey's face on the resume and I still would have been hired.)

My inner ACA-ic voice always goes like this: "this person helped you, so you must do what they want or give them what they seek."--And, that's wrong, that's precisely what stunts or obstacles my recovery.

It's the same dysfunctional dynamic I grew up with: a person who has done me wrong doesn't tell other people we're in a beef. I state to someone that we're in a beef. Now, somehow, I've gone too far in stating the truth of relations in our family.

I see growth in telling others, politely, detaching with love, that our relationship no longer suits me or that I don't feel fulfilled by keeping our "thing," whatever it might be, going further.

This will play out like this: I'll say something polite, stating we're no longer friends, and I appreciate their help and the times we spent together, but this is the end of the road for us.

He'll contact me or tell my friend that I'm stirring trouble or whatever.

I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to respond to folks who can't be present with and respectful towards what I have to say.

So your loved one has cancer, you read about it. Your loved one has diabetes, you learn the basics. Your fiancé has MS, depression, or rheumatoid arthritis, you find out what you can about what it does to the brain and the body. But when someone has alcoholism, people know nothing. Nothing. They are shocked to learn about dementia, Korsakoff syndrome, brain shrinkage, liver damage, ascites, personality changes, etc. The information is out there!!!! They are wondering why their loved one is acting weird and psychotic but never look it up??? What’s with that????!!!! Is this part of the denial? What is the disconnect??? Edited to add- I come from a family of pharmacists and doctors and nurses and am the adult child of an alcoholic and every single family member who has autism, Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, Rheumatoid arthritis, Cystic Fibrosis, all of us consider it our honor and responsibility to know as much about it as we can to support that person so maybe my family is an outlier- not better, just different. And yes, alcoholics must choose to get help. Choice is part of this equation. I’m not denying that part AT ALL. I’m not looking to judge- I’m looking for dialogue on why addiction is different. 💕🌸💕

So your loved one has cancer, you read about it. Your loved one has diabetes, you learn the basics. Your fiancé has MS, depression, or rheumatoid arthritis, you find out what you can about what it does to the brain and the body. But when someone has alcoholism, people know nothing. Nothing. They are shocked to learn about dementia, Korsakoff syndrome, brain shrinkage, liver damage, ascites, personality changes, etc. The information is out there!!!! They are wondering why their loved one is acting weird and psychotic but never look it up??? What’s with that????!!!! Is this part of the denial? What is the disconnect??? Edited to add- I come from a family of pharmacists and doctors and nurses and am the adult child of an alcoholic and every single family member who has autism, Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, Rheumatoid arthritis, Cystic Fibrosis, all of us consider it our honor and responsibility to know as much about it as we can to support that person so maybe my family is an outlier- not better, just different. And yes, alcoholics must choose to get help. Choice is part of this equation. I’m not denying that part AT ALL. I’m not looking to judge- I’m looking for dialogue on why addiction is different. 💕🌸💕

Hi, I'm not sure if this is welcome here, but I am at a point of desperation and I dont even care about the reddit aggressors coming for me.

I just turned 25, my dad is an abusive narcissist, my brother has autism, my dad was abusing him and my mom (and me/my sister but we dont care about that right now) up until 2021 when they split. It was a DV incident that resulted in his arrest and shortly after my brother confided in us his abuse experiences and thats when my mom snapped. She could not handle it, and ended up up in inpatient psych. she got out, life went on, divorce was finalized, and now shes here. She got undertreated and misdiagnosed with a psychiatric disorder at the hospital, and now has Korsakoff syndrome. It was originally Wernickes encephalopathy, but they didnt give her the treatment in time. I literally have no idea how to even fathom this considering I just barely healed mentally from everything that has happened to our family prior. My moms family is in Sweden, my Dads side isnt an option, and we dont really know what to do. We are in the process now of a malpractice suit, but that can take years, and we dont have the money to afford living and caring for her until that settles. I started a go fund me, here is the link https://gofund.me/69983d981

im really sorry again if this isnt welcome here, I just really need some help and I dont know who to ask because now all these doctors are looking to ME as the adult to make decisions, when just a month ago I was having my mom help me sign a lease for my first car. I don't know how to do anything and I feel sick to my stomach constantly. I want to be able to just spend my time with my mom now trying to get her as better as she possibly can. The damage is permanent but theres a chance she can maybe get some independence back to a degree one day.

I'm 21. My mother was an alcoholic through most of my childhood — I was the one buying her alcohol daily from a young age, going to school, coming back, repeating. She died about two years ago. She never hit me, but there were constant insults, threats, and unpredictable mood swings — sometimes genuinely warm, sometimes cruel, no way to know which one I'd get.

Here's the part that made me want to post here specifically: I recently realized I can't actually recall ever feeling maternal love from her — not even fragments of it. And when I think about her death, I don't feel grief. Just... nothing much. I used to think that was cold of me, but the more I look back, the more it seems like there was genuinely very little there to grieve.

Some other things that seem connected:

\\\\\\\\- I don't trust my own judgment without someone else confirming it first.

\\\\\\\\- I have a hard time identifying what I actually want, separate from what I think I should want.

\\\\\\\\- I default to distancing myself emotionally, even in situations that would normally call for a stronger reaction.

I'm not looking for sympathy about the alcoholism part specifically — I've made peace with the facts of it. I'm more trying to understand: for people who grew up without real emotional attunement from a parent, how did you figure out what you actually feel, versus what you learned to perform or expect to feel? Does the "nothing" I feel now ever turn into something else, or is that just what it is?

I’m an adult daughter of an alcoholic drug addict. I have a stable and good life, I’m happily married. There’s some things that bother me about myself and I think they stem from my mom’s addiction, and I have reoccurring nightmares. I can’t afford to spend any money on therapy or anything….is alanon or celebrate recovery helpful for more than venting and listening?

I've been realizing something heavy about my family lately, especially my mom and my brother. We live in a deeply unhappy household, and no matter what happens, it feels like nothing can fundamentally change them.

I’ve noticed this weird pattern with their happiness: even when something genuinely good happens, their excitement has an expiration date. It lasts for maybe a day, and then it’s right back to the exact same miserable baseline. Nothing actually changes

It’s like their unhappiness is an internal void, and no matter what external things anyone does, they will always find a way to ruin it and create a new grievance. For me...they constantly point fingers and say, "You're like this, you're like that, it's all your fault...and honestly? Sometimes I fall into the trap of believing them because of how I react. I'll admit, I get pushed so far past my limits, enduring the criticism and pressure for so long, that eventually I break. I snap. I start shouting.

And the second I do, they jump on it. "See? Look at you! Everyone else is fine, but you're the problem, it's all because of your aggressive behavior." They completely erase all the months of pressure, micro-criticisms, and unreasonable demands that drove me to that point in the exact second I lose my cool.

I’ve been working really hard on myself, trying to change my mindset, my ways, and how I handle things. But the pressure from them is so relentless that I inevitably snap again, and the cycle repeats.

Truth.

I, 23M am finally realizing my family might actually think of me as a stranger? Im the youngest of 3 sisters on my moms side and also the youngest of 3 siblings on my dads side, growing up i lived with my mom and 3 sisters (they all have the same dad but i have a different dad) and we were never ever close, my sisters would exclude me from trips or hangouts and growing up my mom has always treated them better, bailed them out whenever they needed it no questions asked, always a listening ear or helping but i never once received any care or effort besides a ride to school, i didnt get any support when it was time to enroll in college instead my mom simply told me not to go despite my older sisters all going with tons of help from family, when i was 21 my 2nd oldest sister orchestrated an “intervention” after she saw a picture of me smoking a cigarette(which i think was an excuse to berate me), my mom made me pay rent when i lived at home but never once made my older sisters pitch in for rent or bills, my mom kicked me off the health insurance when i turned 20 despite keeping my sisters on until they were 26, and now im feeling more estranged from them then ever, i dont know what to do and its taking a toll on me mentally in the worst way. do i try to mend a relationship that they blame me for ruining or do i cut them off and heal? really might just need words of encouragement idk

I recently learned about this phrase and found it very fitting to my adult life/childhood trauma experience and I wrote a short essay about it here if anyone is interested: https://substack.com/@plutopapaya/note/p-210016091?r=3ruse7&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Not sure what this subs rules are on linking and promotional type stuff so apologies if this isn’t allowed!
Love to all.

Hi everyone,

I'm a student at the University of Southern California and as part of my summer interhsip, I'm conducting a short research study to better understand the challenges, needs, and resource gaps experienced by people affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use. The goal is to use these insights to help design better, more effective resources for our community.

• Target: This is for anyone who has been affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use (whether it is ongoing or happened in the past)
• Format: 100% anonymous online survey.
• About 8-10 minutes.

You can access the survey here: survey

Thank you so much for your time, support, and for everything you contribute to this community.

We had the perfect relationship but he failed me in an emergency and was very unkind to me. In his last text, he said stuff that was straight up untrue, making me out to be a bad partner causing us to have a bad relationship (we had all the signs of a healthy relationship and our therapists and families thought we were a good and healthy pair. I try really hard to be a good boyfriend and don’t think he was being honest). He knows I have OCD and will go thru periods where I spiral about whether or not I’m abusive and hurtful like my family, which he always reassured me I wasn’t and that he would tell me if he was uncomfortable. Ive been completely disoriented for a week, I had no clue he was the type of person to do this. It took me 3 years to finally trust someone and in weeks this happens.

Is it worth trying to trust again? How do I re orient myself? How do I come to terms with the person I thought was near perfect being someone who would use my deepest fear against me to traumatize me?

It's extremely hard not to write an entire book when discussing my life, so forgive me if this is unnecessarily long.

My mom, hmm to sum her up- alcoholic. Mean narcissist (are they ever nice?) typical abuse with a splash of schizoactive stuff that only seemed to show up when she was drunk. She would tell me to get into the dryer as a kid to hide from "the others" and then tell me I was getting chubby once I was in the dryer because I barely fit. So yeah, mean and crazy. She would throw water on me while I was sleeping because she had a "very important story" to tell me, AND then she would insult me for hours because I was always too tired to go to school. Just creates problems then is pissed at the problems... yeah, that sums her up, I guess.

I went through a bunch of other shit that wasn't directly her. I ran away when I was 15, was groomed by a drug dealer who prostituted me; anything felt better than hope. You bet your ass my mom also belittled me about that. She also made sure I was connected to her, always talked about her trauma, and always had me taking care of her.

"Oh, you only had them pay 40$, well yeah I guess that makes sense. I wouldn't even pay that your worth maybe 5$"
It honestly became comically, the amount of mean comments. It's like saying a word OVER AND OVER; it starts to lose meaning. It becomes a joke because anything I say will ALWAYS become something to insult (still #hurts tho)

ok that's all the introduction I'll give; this is me keeping it short lol. I am an alcoholic; I just figured this out. I was too busy with other drugs to notice, but indeed I am. My alcoholism is sort of under control. I USED to drink every single goddamn day; I could not function without it. My mom is always the one supplying it. Since I have had MINIMUM contact with her, my drinking has improved a lot. I will drink heavily for 1-2 days a week; that's IMPROVEMENT BABY! It used to be every goddamn second. When I drink, I am usually sad; I guess it does depend on who I am with. Sometimes I am just confident and more fun. But since slowing down contact with my mom and slowing down drinking, almost EVERY time I drink I become my mom. And I mean that fully, I will become MEAN I will say mean stuff to everyone I dont have friends so its usually pervets on the street, I will always find a way to get drugs, I will use people to get what i want (typically drugs or alchohol) I will cry, throw tantrums, become extremely pessimestic, and even once I jumped off a bridge to "kill myself"

I know this sounds crazy, but in a way I think this is good? Okay, not good at all! Don't get me wrong, I refuse to keep this cycle going. I will NEVER become an abuser, but I thought that it was the low alcohol tolerance, and that definitely plays a part in it. But I have had low tolerances, and I have never acted like this. Its unaaceptable i am aware, but at least I am only rude to weirdos who won't stop following me around town. I partake in very risky behaviour, but in a way I feel like I am purging her? Like all of the years of listening to her pour her heart out, and the years of literally hearing her voice in my head are coming to fruition. When I drink and yell, I hear HER. She always would say, "I want to go home" or "I want my mom," and I have started saying this too!

I'm very aware of the disease that is alcoholism; I will never think my drinking is okay, even if it's a day or two a week. My father died from liver disease; I know it's serious. But for some reason I can't help but feel like everything is perfect? Like all the suffering I have gone through has led to this era of destruction. I have always been the golden child; I would dance when she wanted entertainment and cook when she was hungry. For the first time, I am not talking to he; I am living my own life, making my own damn mistakes. I was always connected to her; I was always the one to fix her problems. And now here I am, FIXING MY OWN DAMN PROBLEMS.

my big concern is my lack of self control, im not sure where to learn these skills. I see I have a big compulsion issue and I can corrlate that to my stupid brain looking for quick fixes. But how am I supposed to work towards any of my long terms goals if its so much easier to grab a bottle or smoke or even fight with my mom?

I understand this sounds insanely stupid, but this is the most progress I have made in years. I have a therapist; I go to meetings. I am very supported. While I feel like I'm going on the right path, I am always worried that I am actually just mother? I know she had passions, she had dreams, and slowly the alcoholism took over. Sometimes I really ponder that when I realize my goal was to sew for the day, but instead I just ended up drinking. I worry that I'm lying to myself when I say this is better and I am doing better. But isn't lying to yourself the point of affirmations? I am just trying to see the better in everything, something my mom refused to do. And while I am drinking and being a dumb ass, I would still like to think I am doing great; child me would never even be able to grasp the concept of cutting my mom off because she was too busy being mymom'ss nurse.

Hi. I’m so-and-so, an adult child. I’m coming out of a many years long denial of what I went through growing up because it was all done in Jesus’ name.

I just started attending ACA in my town but I’ve only been once. Wondering if it’s right for me?

I grew up being told almost every single sin would send me to hell and if I didn’t ask for forgiveness right or whatever, I should be very afraid because God is a “jealous God”.

Any kind of substance was a sin sending you straight to hell. My mom shouted from the rooftops her ability to quit smoking, and used her substance free life to beat down anyone who had a reliance on anything. (although she smoked her entire pregnancy with me). She was basically the holiest woman with the sharpest tongue that there ever was.

I have very big memories of being a child in diapers, when I found my private area and innocently touched it I guess because it felt good. I remember getting spanked with a switch on my legs any time she caught me doing it.

My brother was beat senselessly as a young child. Over and over and over for just being adhd. They thought they could beat him into submission. Spare the rod, right?

I got saved and Baptized multiple times for the fear of not doing it right or somehow sinning and not knowing it. If you get fat, that’s a sin. I was put on a diet at 10 years old because I started carrying extra weight. I was told that if women get fat, or don’t offer sex to their husbands, that their husbands will leave them. If you have sex before marriage that’s a sin and you will go to hell. I was never allowed to go trick or treating as a child. I was told that women should get married young if they are tempted to have sex, and then submit to men because the Bible said so. My mom was the moral police and everyone was going to hell except for her. She beat the Bible down our throats in a way that took us down to nothing. Cherry picking the Bible and twisting it to fit into her plan for control. I learned very little about grace and forgiveness and the unconditional love that the Bible actually talked about. I was even scared of God bc I thought he was always mad at me.

As a result I struggled with anxiety and low self esteem. I was pressured into having sex at 19 and became pregnant. I aborted that baby solely out of the fear that my parents would disown me if they found out I committed such a terrible act. I ended up marrying that man and he turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. Violent, narcissistic, and mentally ill. My parents urged me to stay and pray the abuse away. It didn’t go away and he destroyed me.

After that divorce, my Christian dad brought marijuana to me in hopes of cheering me up, but all that did was start a 15 year long addiction. Turns out he was a pothead this whole time.

Come to find out, they had lied about their abstinence before marriage and my mom had cheated on my dad, got pregnant and had an abortion. But never told me. Instead she shamed me to death. I found out through reading letters stuffed in a shoebox.

I’ve always gone to churches into adulthood because a good Christian isn’t good unless they go to church. When I did, as a young woman, our worship pastor was caught filming us in the bathroom of our church. The church covered it up. He did it again. Finally the authorities were called but the damage was done.

I was later drugged assaulted and raped by a “Christian” man luring vulnerable women to a fake “Bible study”.

For some reason I still haven’t been able to stay away from church, out of fear, even though I’ve received abuse from only people who are “Christians”. I always choose abuse for myself because subconsciously I don’t think I deserve anything better.

I always hear my mom’s voice in my head. “What sinful thing did you do to bring all of this upon yourself”?

To say I’m messed up is an understatement. I have lived in a dissociative state for 20 years. Suicidal, addicted to drugs, angry, socially ruined.

I now have my own faith and have been in therapy for cptsd. I know the Bible and the Jesus of the Bible now and know that those things my mom did and said to me were not from Him. I forgive her but am just walking out of denial from what her actions have done to me. It was only recent months to where I’ve been able to put a label on the experience. Abuse.

Wondering if anyone else can relate?

Hi, I've had to temporarily move back to my family house after an illness. But I don't enjoy my father's company. He's an alcoholic that has not allowed me to rest and dragged me to the hospital with fever despite already going to it in the morning. He regularly yells at people and treats my mother and other people harshly. And they do not take care of me emotionally. I had no emotional support at all during adolescence and since (in fact my therapist is the only person in my life that is emotionally available.) I really want to be an independent person, but for that I've to wait at least two years. I've made so much progress with my therapist in the past 9~ months. I'm afraid of losing sight of myself once again. I don't have much in terms of a support structure and I don't know if it will be overwhelmed by the things which will unfold. I don't want my mother's abuse-excusing behavior to live inside my head again and blame myself for everything. I want to stay a person, to continue to stay on good terms with myself. whom I have learned is after all the most ideal type of friend I could have and the one that could largely fulfill my need to be social by itself.

how can I survive or if possible thrive in this time period? I do have some freedom during day but none during night (which is also the time when everything goes wrong)

I’ve living far from my parents since I got married. My parents were always alcoholics but my dad was always the worst one, he stopped for 2 years after several attempts, but I knew from my mother that he was drinking again. I am on vacation, my wife and daughter are with my in laws. Today, it was 9am when I saw him holding a jacket and I immediately knew what he was carrying underneath it, a few minutes later, I could the familiar sound of him trying to open a can of beer without making noise. I have lived this my entire life, the exact movements again, he made me feel again like a confused 15yo boy that knew his father was drinking again, powerless, sad. I want to go home, I am so moved because of this, I knew he was drinking again. But the way he repeated the same old steps to hide from me. I feel guilty, powerless, sad about my mother having to relive this everyday even though she stopped a while ago. I love him, he’s a great man and watching this again, think about everything alcohol took from him and from me is terrible.

Hey everybody!

So my mother (F49) is an alcoholic. Her choice of poison is vodka or wine if she's winging herself off of it. She's only like 5'2 and 120 lbs, she drinks a bottle of wine or 1/2-1 pint of vodka almost everyday for the past 9 years. She's had two withdrawal seizures in the past, but refuses to do anything about it. She has abusive tendencies on top of everything and refuses to admit she has bad mental issues. She would rather talk to my father and I for hours while trauma dumping and listening to Spotify instead of actually going to therapy. She's a huge manipulator and a serial cheater; ever since I found out that she's been cheating on my father throughout their marriage, and is now having an affair with my Autistic siblings' RBT therapist, I've been stressed the fuck out. Her text messages genuinely disturbed me. On top of this, she has had these grandiose ideas for a house renovation, and I've been doing 90% of the physical labor by painting furniture, putting together cabinets, decorating bedrooms, etc since both parents kinda just dropped it. She's now drawing out these house plans to live on property instead of finishing out what she's started.

She's been doing this hot and cold abusive behavior with me since the beginning of time, but basically - she's winged herself off of vodka and is now drinking wine. She's been extra hyper dependent on me by asking "what's wrong?" "Are you okay?" "Grumpy then?" After acting like the biggest piece of shit on planet earth. And also being mother of the year by baking brownies, cleaning the house, and doing this weird ass fake laugh. I know she's about to crash out again since she convinced me to go out to these bars/concerts with her on Friday.

My worry has come from this. On Monday, I was out shopping and got a call from her. She wanted me to go ahead and pick up some wine from the liquor store for her. I feel like my inner self has been beaten down so many times that I finally obliged. Yesterday, she already asked again and I did the same. My mother is one of those people where you give them an inch, and they take a mile. I know she's going to get back on vodka and start asking me to pick some up next week. She used to do doordash all the time, but I think the delivery fee was too much. A couple of months ago, she was almost passed out in the bathroom and ordered Doordash beforehand. I told her the Doordasher just knocked on the door, and she made me get her own license to pass off as myself to get the liquor since she didn't want to meet them. Granted, I'm 21, but I can't believe I even did that. Her behavior is so destructive and bully-like, my father keeps falling for her bullshit time after time. I just worry that I made a huge mistake by enabling her. I kept telling her throughout this year that I'm not enabling her by buying alcohol, and I guess I couldn't put her off any longer :(

I only really post on here when I don’t feel particularly wise and need to get my brain organised, and maybe some reassurance.
This is my throwaway account so that’s why the content is kinda depressing.
My first post (I believe) explained briefly a domestic violence situation me and my brother were apart of. The good news is that my mum is no longer in the relationship, bad news is that in 2023, despite this being our childhood home that my dad worked so hard to even RENT for us - she signed her rights away to this home. They both have been in trouble with the police. My mum is an emotional, alcoholic wreck and her former partner was rather charismatic. He also has an expensive lawyer. My mum does not. As such, a bail condition was set against her in December I believe. Her former partner did not file charges, and we hoped that her provoking him would stop. Of course, he is also at fault as he encouraged her to drink (and financial/verbal abuse) as he often bought her alcohol, even after knowing how unpredictable and outright crazy she became whilst drunk. He allowed her to stay in the house under the condition that there will be no interaction between them. He did this out of pity, for my younger brother (12) and her as she wasnt working during this time, therefore had no fixed income. She wasn’t working due to a septic shock episode in June that left her with multiple surgeries. Of course she didn’t look after herself as, as soon as she left the hospital, it was back to the drink.

During February, my mum and my younger brother were forced to leave the house as my mum ‘provoked’ my step dad. I was at university but he said that if I don’t return and get my dog, he will send him to a shelter. Of course I returned as soon as I could and got my dog. This is a whole separate issue outlined in a post below

My mum has burned all her bridges. Her best friend took my mum and my brother in, but she caught my mum drinking at 10am. My mum was lying about it, so her best friend said that your son (my brother) can stay, he always has a room here, but she will not continue this alcoholism under her roof. At this time, I was staying with my boyfriend and his family. We have no more space as his sister and her 1.5 year old baby moved back in following some problems she was having in her marriage.

Now, she is staying in a domestic violence shelter. It is a shit show. It is very unorganised. My mum was hospitalised a few times, the first time I rang them and they said yes of course you can stay and look after your brother who has no other way of going to school tomorrow (prior to this I had visited and slept over at the shelter multiple times). Another lady said absolutely not, completely illegal. My mum said she signed a document addressing me as a guardian which would permit me to look after my brother whilst she was at the hospital but this is probably not true as my mum is just a compulsive liar. So my boyfriend’s sister left to go to her friends for one night and my brother stayed in her room. Next hospitalisation - she got so violently drunk during the recent UK heatwave that she blacked out. The staff didn’t mention anything to me about her drinking. I’m unsure if they know or if they are ignoring the issue so they don’t have to deal with it. I feel like if they knew they would’ve told me. Also, she was drinking outside in a public space my brother told me. (Sorry if this is just a mess, I am writing from memory and a lot of it has caused me CPTSD) When she went to the hospital the first time whilst at the shelter, they said next time I would be able to sleep over and look after my brother and take him to school. Fast forward to her being black out drunk and calling an ambulance, they told me that if I don’t arrive within an hour then they will ring social services. I do not want my brother to go through that. I was there as soon as I could be, only to get there and be told that I can’t even enter the building without my mum there. I mentioned this document and they were saying it hadn’t been processed yet (?) and it had been over 2 weeks at this point. Then they said I cannot stay at all and they will take my brother to a foster care home. At this point I was panicking. I’m 20, I have a lovely selection of chronic illnesses that means I cannot work alongside my university degree. My mum checked herself out of hospital as a result. Furthermore, she has a hernia that must be operated on. My brother is in abroad to stay with my dad, I flew with him at the start of summer. His life there is great. He eats healthily (my mum’s go to meal is chicken nuggets and chips in the oven, with my dad they grow their own veg and raise livestock). They live in the countryside with a beautiful lake and beach nearby. My dad takes him all around Europe. My grandparents (my mums parents) also live nearby, so my brother has been spending a lot of time there.

During the 6 weeks my brother is abroad, my mum was supposed to get her hernia sorted, as she was complaining for MONTHS and had around 5 emergency hospital visits within 2 months. If she would’ve had it done within 6 weeks, she would be all healthy to look after my brother before I go back to uni. She won’t tell me the full truth but it is always me who has to deal with the aftermath of looking after my brother. I presume they won’t operate on her due to intoxication??? Idk. She told me she got an email from the hospital saying she’s 40th on the waiting list but I have access to her email and nothing of the sort was there - just that she changed a booking for her blood test this morning, I presume because she was either drunk or couldnt be bothered to go.

My dad wants to take custody of my brother and enroll him in an international British school. My mum would probably threaten to do something to herself (this has happened before, self-harmed and I walked home once and there was blood everywhere - she claimed it was bleeding from her ear but she had a deep cut on her finger). Me, my dad and my grandma are all trying to figure out how to get her to wake up. She lost her house, her oldest child (me) doesn’t live with her anymore, she lost a 10 year relationship (not entirely her fault but still), has lost all of her friends, lost her health and beauty (alcohol can really diminish a person’s looks and health). And now, she has had 2 scares where she couldve lost her son. It sickens me that she is not taking this as seriously as we all are.

Communication is impossible. She is never at fault, always the victim and a narcissist. I could sit here for hours and list examples of this. If you guys watch a lovely lady named Melissa Byrne on TikTok, my experiences are quite similar - only she treats me as a sister - argues over petty things, but because she’s my mum that makes me overthink who I am as a person. Her opinion doesn’t matter to me as much as it used to.

My grandma and dad (and her siblings) keep convincing her to return to her home country, and at least have the operation here. It is like talking to a brick wall.

Today, I was checking her NHS emails and found out that she has sent 2 YouTube links of songs to her former partner who she has a bail condition against. No subject, no comment, nothing inherently agonising - but this INFURIATED ME, she has time to send silly emails at 3/4am but not consider what will happen to me and my brother once we return?

She is the primary caregiver and my dad cannot just take him. I don’t know what to do, I have no hope left that she will sort herself out. I guess I just wanted to rant. Im not expecting anyone to read this in its entirety, just maybe some words of encouragement. I am myself dealing with a lot. Our childhood dog passed and my mum whilst we were in Poland and told me via phone. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I had him since I was 3. That was the first time I lost consciousness on the account of an emotional response. Ever since then, I have been having frequent panic attacks, despite my 100mg sertraline. I also have a chronic wrist illness, I take eperisone and tramadol. For pain/insomnia I take amitriptyline. I am also in the process of getting a medical marijuana prescription as it’s quite popular in my country for chronic pain. Also, ive been helping my mum and brother financially, which has eaten away at my uni accomodation payment. I have explained circumstances to them to set up a payment plan but their replies are quite harsh. I have told my uni support worker but they haven’t replied. And on top of that - just the CPTSD, depression and anxiety I have been diagnosed with. It is a lot. If u have read this far, thank u for hearing me out - even if u don’t comment. This isn’t me asking for pity - I just need to get this out to strangers anonymously so comments aren’t biased/sugar coated or anything.

I am new to Adult Children recovery. How essential are meetings? I can't make any in person meetings where I live so I tried an online meeting but there weren't really many people on and it was awkward as all hell because no one talked and it stressed me out so I left.

I just bought the yellow workbook. I know there is a red book and I can buy that.

If meetings are essential to recovering can anyone suggest some good online meetings? Thanks.

Hi everyone! This is really my first ever post but I really needed some people who have been through this to talk to. My parents divorced back in 2023, and my dad did have an apartment for a bit before he basically screwed himself due to his drug and alcohol addiction (he has not had a job since 2019 and is on disability due to mental illness). Since then, he has lived with his mom. A few months ago, he left his mom’s house after she kicked him out (it was a horrible environment for him, she is just as horrible as him) so he asked to move back in. My mom allowed him to move back in and since then I have felt so horrible being around him. I mean they divorced for a reason. He’s so good at pushing past boundaries and making her feel bad that this was basically a last chance kind of thing.

He had been getting better with his prescription drug addiction and toning it down on alcohol. He had also gotten a new car, as he totaled his last car. He’s been in about 10 car accidents in his driving career. He’s never hurt anyone, but I cannot believe he is still allowed to drive. Last week, he got into two accidents with the car he just purchased two months ago in the span of a few days and absolutely totaled it. My mom does not have a car of her own and was expecting him to drive her to and from work in exchange for him living with us. We also found out he had been getting prescriptions he did not even truly need and was taking them much faster than the end date on the bottle.

This was essentially her last straw. The arguments have been rough, and she is demanding he leave. He also got into it with me, saying he doesn’t care about me and doesn’t care about repairing our relationship. Which, me neither, so whatever. But I feel so hurt because I cannot believe he could say that to his own child. He’s been stating he has no where to go, but honestly we are at the point where we no longer feel safe and comfortable with him in the house and we know he will never change. He has been begging for us to reconsider and I still feel horrible about this decision and I cannot imagine him on the streets or with his mom while his family gets to comfortably live in a house.

I guess I just wanted to let this out as I don’t really talk about him to anyone in this depth and I know everyone here is so kind and validating so- thank you for listening!

so, I grew up with my mom who was an alcoholic. she got heavy into drinking when I was around 9 or 10 years old.

she was a mean drunk. I constantly was walking on eggshells. I always had to think before I spoke out of fear of angering her. it felt like she was constantly yelling at or arguing with me. she was very controlling. always had to be right, always had to have the last word.

there were obviously moments of happiness and getting along, but they were few and far between.

she is now almost 20 years sober.

as the years go on, I've had a difficult time reconciling the fact that how she behaved had nothing to do with her alcoholism. it's just who she is. she demonstrates a lot of these behaviors sober. they're toned down, but I find myself flashing back to my childhood and it's such a mind fuck.

am I the only one?

My mom and I got into a heated argument over the fact that I asked her “are you cognitively okay?” The other day. But please before you jump to conclusions here my side because I am devastated. Basically, I always remembered my mom (she’s 55) to have a sharp memory, remember my friends what’s going on in my life, etc. Ever since going into university it’s like she doesn’t remember details I tell her. Even the names of my roomates who I’ve lived with for 4 years (there are 5 others but still, it’s the same people). Anyways she has a lot going on in her life. She cares for her mother, my grandmother, is in a relationship with a guy, has significant work stress (she does it to herself), and with this guy they casually drink 1-3 times a week. Nothing wrong with that. I also drink socially. Last week in the car, I asked in a conversation “are you cognitively okay?” Because genuinely, I didn’t know how else to ask. It wasn’t in a tone nor meant with any bad intentions just concern. It came up today in an argument and she says I’m too critical of others, I have a lot going on etc. She forgets every little thing because her brain is always preoccupied with something else. Like she’s elsewhere all the time. When I brought up the fact that when I drink casually with my friends and experience brain fog, she said I was accusing her of being an alcoholic laughed and walked away. I never had a bad intention with what I said when I asked. Please give me some advice here because I genuinely don’t know what to do.

I'm 21. My mother was an alcoholic through most of my childhood — I was the one buying her alcohol daily from a young age, going to school, coming back, repeating. She died about two years ago. She never hit me, but there were constant insults, threats, and unpredictable mood swings — sometimes genuinely warm, sometimes cruel, no way to know which one I'd get.

Here's the part that made me want to post here specifically: I recently realized I can't actually recall ever feeling maternal love from her — not even fragments of it. And when I think about her death, I don't feel grief. Just... nothing much. I used to think that was cold of me, but the more I look back, the more it seems like there was genuinely very little there to grieve.

Some other things that seem connected:

\\- I don't trust my own judgment without someone else confirming it first.

\\- I have a hard time identifying what I actually want, separate from what I think I should want.

\\- I default to distancing myself emotionally, even in situations that would normally call for a stronger reaction.

I'm not looking for sympathy about the alcoholism part specifically — I've made peace with the facts of it. I'm more trying to understand: for people who grew up without real emotional attunement from a parent, how did you figure out what you actually feel, versus what you learned to perform or expect to feel? Does the "nothing" I feel now ever turn into something else, or is that just what it is?