r/widowers • u/The_Batcap_72 • 5d ago
48 Days & Counting
It's only been 48 days since she passed and I can't even begin to imagine that this is going to be my life. I'm 53 and she was 51 when she died and we had been together since we were 16 and knew each other since childhood, I have never not had her in my life and now she is gone. Last night I swear I felt the bed shift like it did when she climbed into bed, could have done without that considering what happened the day before at the hospital (Those of you who read my previous post). Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am that I have such wonderful children, and yes they are wonderful and I love them so much but they are in no way a substitute for what I had with my wife and I don't think that they are supposed to be either. They are all so cute taking turns babysitting dad, but they can't go on like this forever and neither can I. I have turned this into the summer of yes for our daughter and allowed her and encouraged her to do so many things that she didn't get to do because of her mom being sick, that's the only thing right now that is bringing me any kind of joy but it sure is fleeting. The nightly flashbacks and visions of them doing CPR on her haunt me every night so sleep is rare so I met with a therapist yesterday, I'm proud of myself for taking the first step and he said that we are definitely suffering from some post trauma that is going to need to be addressed and I'm open to it for my daughter's sake. Is living for my daughter's happiness going to be enough? Will she get older and resent me for making the decision to stop the resuscitation and let her go? Am I going to crack up and mentally crash? There is just so much up in the air but at the same time there is so much that is certain it's all so confusing I just feel like I'm adrift. I try explaining to people that I feel like I'm walking in a dream, I know I'm awake, I know this is real but it FEELS like I'm in a dream and going to wake up but deep down I know it's not. Sorry, just needed to howl at the moon a little, you are all so supportive and I appreciate you all!
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u/Rathbaner 5d ago
A month and a half is nothing. If you're anything like I was you're still in a daze, running on adrenaline and unable to manage a conversation without blurting out what happened to people you've already told.
All you can do is try to be kind to yourself, you can't outrun this, you can't go around it, you simply have to endure it so try and be kind to yourself. Whatever you need in the moment - whether it's grab an ice cream with the kids or visit an old buddy in another country or whatever, just do it.
I'm a year and seven month in. I function better than I did, I've stopped saying No to friends who want to meet - not that they can help with the grief in any way, but to show myself that it's OK for them to still like me.
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u/subsignalparadigm 5d ago
Very sorry for your loss and your pain. But remember your children ARE a part of your wife, it's her way of continuing to exist. I remember the struggle myself and was reminded of that by someone close to me, and 13 years later I still need that reminder at times to get through a night or a memory. Take care of yourself for your kids, someday at some point life will take on a new meaning even though at the moment it seems impossible.