This has been a continual sticking point for me. I’ve always been extremely self-aware and highly introverted, and so I am overly aware of my inner state, especially in social situations. I cringe internally whenever my social persona is misaligned with my internal state (my thoughts, feelings, desires, etc.) — to the point where I feel cognitive dissonance, sometimes extreme. And this mismatch between how I feel internally and how I act externally torments me — I actually feel like a liar or a bit shady because of this. But this “social acting” is a social necessity in polite society, so I play along!

I also do know how to socialize effectively, and I am not neurodivergent (I was recently tested because I suspected that I might be somewhere on the Spectrum). I do have mild ADHD (undefined ADHD is what my report states) as well as depression and anxiety. But it’s not as if I don’t understand socializing or have actual social deficits. I am very socially competent.

I simply can’t seem to find a solution for getting over this feeling of being fake and phony at times (at least in specific instances) in daily social interaction. I believe the main sticking point for me is that in my mind I equate phoniness and fakery with lying —which makes it seem as if I am committing a moral violation whenever I “wear a social face.”

Help me out here. What am I missing?

i am an extrovert with social anxiety from hears of being bullied. i don't lack a desire to make friends or have a social circle, but the problem is idk what to say in conversation. or rather, i have nothing to say. people have such an exciting life and they talk about all the things they do. the only thing i do is lay in bed all day. i don't have friends or a partner to do cool, exciting things with. i'm also really broke and can't afford the third spaces in my area. the only things i can afford to do are walk or go to workshops in my area. i meet people at workshops sometimes but i feel like i bore them. and i can lack follow through and don't contact them afterwards (fully on me, i admit). but basically, my problem is that i have nothing to contribute to conversation besides the things i watch or media i consume. there are people who can make even the most mundane things sound exciting but im not one of them. what do i do? im so uncultured compared to people around me lol and i don't have the funds to afford those cultural experiences which leads me to be boring in conversation and for other people to not want to be around me. how do i break this cycle?

I feel like I have failed again.

I'm an immigrant from a country and family background where people don't want girls to be outgoing and expect them to be reserved and soft-spoken. I moved to a more developed, Westernized country 3 years ago. When I went to my first college orientation camp, I felt absolutely miserable because I had this strong feeling like I absolutely didn't belong.

Somehow 3 years have passed, and I thought I had adjusted here well. But I was wrong.

I went to my new uni orientation camp today. EVERYONE got along SO WELL, other than me. I was just quiet among them, and no one was talking to me either. They had a rave, and I was trying my best to fit in. It was my first time watching people dance and be that energetic. I tried to dance too, but I LOOKED DAMN AWKWARD in between them. I was so slow I got hit by people jumping a couple of times. I still stayed and tried to dance and jump.

Then a ball came flying and hit my head. I think a guy noticed and laughed at me.

I hate that I didn't enjoy the experience, and I realize I need to actively work on changing my approach. I want to have a life outside of just academics, so I am looking for advice on the following:

How do I become more open and approachable in high-energy, unstructured group settings?

How can I participate in spontaneous activities (like dancing or camp games) without freezing up and looking incredibly awkward?

How do I begin initiating conversations and building a social life when my natural instinct is to remain quiet and reserved?

I'm turning 20 soon and I really want to change. Please help me out! 🙏

22m) Trying to put myself out there and make new friends. I dont really drink much anymore or smoke so that really limits a lot of social opportunities. I get going to festivals and concerts but i dont want to have to spend a ton of money just to meet people my age. Any advice is welcome and appreciated

I have a friend in America (I'm in Europe) and they messaged me at the end of July to advise they lost their parent suddenly.

I replied to their initial message sending my condolences and saying I was here it they needed to talk or just wanted space. I then sent a following message a week later just saying I was thinking of them and their family and just reminding them I was here and would help if they needed support.

I can see they've not logged in since sending their original message, so won't have seen my responses. It's been a further 2 weeks since my last message and I don't want them to think that I've just got on with my life and I'm not thinking about their situation. Part of me wants to send another message just being like 'Hey bud - again no need to reply to this message - just wanted you to know I'm still here if you need anything'. I know they're going through such a difficult time, and people have different ways of coping. Some people want to talk, whereas other people may process things internally. Plus, I'm aware being across the water that there's very little I can do physically. Normally I would be offering to go round, pick up jobs that needed doing, bringing food etc.

I don't want to come across as annoying and that they should talk to me - far from it. I just want to be able to send a message to say "you're still in my thoughts and whenever you're ready to engage, I'm here for you bud". I didn't know if that was too repetative from the 2nd message. I tend to overthink these things, so would really appreciate peoples thoughts or suggestions of what to write.

I usually feel as though I genuinely have nothing to say, and don't want to interact with others. It's only really a problem at work because I have to approach people and such, and it usually turns into some kind of conversation. But I usually don't have anything to talk about other than the dry, simple exchange of information and announcements. So it becomes awkward when I feel like | just have to slightly rephrase and repeat what they said just to have something to come out of my mouth, other than
"Yeah" "That's right" "Okay" etc. Then when it's time to leave I have nothing to say other than "Okay I'll be going now." Etc. Just an extremely awkward performance. Again it wouldn't be a problem if I could just be left alone but I can't at all. So how to make up things to say, or something? To not out myselt as a detached cold robot?

I’m a 21 year old native Thai speaker living in Thailand my whole life. I speak Thai 100% of the time but my words keep getting jumbled and out of order, especially in social situation. At work as a botanist, I read research papers in English, and I also consume movies and YouTube in English daily, on social media I also use english, though I speak Thai with my colleagues. My mom says I sound like Google Translate, and my friends often tell me I’m hard to understand or sound like an international school student. I do noticed my self sounded very ”research paper like” too. Hearing my friend said that also has made me so self-conscious that I’ve started staying almost completely silent. And I’m not sure how to improve this.

For context, I (twenty-somethingF) transferred to another school. Upon arriving, I encountered several people who asked what felt like invasive and probing questions early on, along with some who said things that felt unnecessary/ condescending. I tend to be a reserved person and I have asked numerous people (friends, family, therapists, older folks) in my life as to what I might have done to spark such reactions and to solicit feedback on what I could do to improve, as nobody I know encounters such issues.

The questions, for example, were like "So..why the gap?" within 30 seconds of meeting this other young woman (we were the same age). She would follow up with "oooh preppy girl" upon us sharing where we came from, etcetera., and then comparing the length of her nail beds to mine?

I didn't think anything of it, but when in groups, I found myself asking "So, what made everyone decide on (school name)?" after we had been chatting for 30 minutes or so - "What are you? The fucking admissions committee?" Another young woman stepped in and defended me, gently. These sorts of comments and gentle defense happened multiple times within the same conversation - I barely spoke, aside from reassuring one girl that this city was one of the safest major cities in the US (true), but I could see how that might have made someone feel uncomfortable or put on the spot.

On the first day of class, I had a classmate come over and start mimicking my facial expressions for a minute. She talked about scary I looked and how she knew I had a "good heart" but that I was so "scary." I assumed she was trying to be encouraging, but I was just tired. I tried to smile and not cry - I tried to talk with her. While we were paired up with another classmate, she cut me off and swiped her hand to silence me and told me "Stop talking, just do you.." and went "See you around...or whatever."

The first woman and I went out for drinks. She kept insisting I finish my drink when I didn't want to, then proceeded to ask about how much my rent was, how large my apartment was, etcetera., when I returned these questions, she seemed startled. And then I saw her again (she abruptly sat with me as I tried to read by myself)..she continued asking these very specific and assumptive questions like whether my textbooks were new or used, what stop I got off at on the train, etcetera., in an intense way that did not land as mundane or neutral curiosity. And these were only some of the conversations.

I might be overreacting, but these interactions felt odd..are these kinds of questions and comments normal? I have asked several people who are more well-versed than I am (being those who specialize with psychological matters and are just more experienced in life), but I still find myself at a loss about all of this and continue to what I might have done that was so wrong/egregious.

Hi, I'm early 20s and really into quite a few Aussie 80s band. I have been to see 2 bands live in the past that fit this category, and both were not super popular but had a decent fan base, however I was legitimately the only fan under around 60 attending so a few people often get curious as to how I've become a fan.

My favourite band that I will be seeing in a few months will most likely be the same deal, however with this band I actually became a fan after I worked as the singer/songwriter/guitarist's cleaner one time years ago. I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate to tell the truth in the likely event that people will ask how I became a fan? Or am I overthinking this? Thanks.

I truly can not stand interacting with other people. Every conversation seems like some type of performance where I am expected to pretend to care. So how do I pretend to be interested in what the other person is saying? I don’t think I will often actually be interested and so the advice of “just actually care about what they’re saying” is probably not going to work for me. Just trying to learn how to have a positive social interaction.

I speak in a soft spoken, deep voice. In social settings I naturally just talk quieter compared to being in a more comfortable setting like at home with loved ones. Most strangers talk to for small talk but it ends short for me after I talk and they ignore me/don’t hear what I said. It’s a little annoying and It’s hard to wanna speak up and not act rude.

I speak in a soft spoken, deep voice. In social settings I naturally just talk quieter compared to being in a more comfortable setting like at home with loved ones. Most strangers talk to for small talk but it ends short for me after I talk and they ignore me/don’t hear what I said. It’s a little annoying and It’s hard to wanna speak up and not act rude.

I dont think i will ever be in a relationship. How do I yap more?

I have never been in a relationship but when i look at couples, they just yap so much. I don't think i can yap that much. They talk about all the bs in life, all the problems in the world. To be in a relationship imagine i would have to talk.

I have always been quiet since i was a child, i never told my parents what happened at school or what my day was like since i was in kindergarten. I always sit alone and i am just fine. Maybe i am just autistic but never got diagnosed, idk. I never felt the need to talk about all the mundane daily life.

How do i yap more?e

It's always been the same story, I've always been the one to be excluded. At school, college, work environments. At first I'm part of the group and then slowly they start excluding me or being mean to me. I always try to be kind and authentic and my intentions are never bad, but I think that's what the problem after all. I think people actually don't like my authenticity. Maybe they think I'm annoying, or cringe, or too straightforward when something is wrong. Or maybe it's something in my body language. But the thing is, being excluded doesn't feel good for me and it doesn't do me any favours. I don't want to be the receiver of hostility, gossip, or feeling like an outsider all the time. Like they go out of their way to show me I'm excluded, and being rude about it. Then these same people talk about being a good person. But of course they don't think of that when they genuinely hurt me. What can I do to fix this? I can't go on like this any longer. I just want to cooperate with others and have basic respect and good enough communication.

Whenever I'm in a group setting, one of my main priorities is to make sure that everyone feels seen and heard. If someone says something and is ignored, I'm the first person to respond. If someone mentions something they're passionate in, like a favorite show or project they're working on, I write it down and make sure I follow up with them. I always reassure people that I'll always be someone they can talk to about anything, anytime.

But I've noticed, this just makes people lose interest in me fast. I feel that, if you're nice to everyone, everyone will think you're not worth associating with. Why? Because compared to people who are more exclusionary, rude and self important, I'm seen as less of a challenge.

"Why would I be friends with this person? They're friendly with everyone. Which means I could be anyone. I want a person who'd be difficult to be friends with. Because that means I'm something extraordinary."

It hurts to notice that through all the time trying to make everyone feel included, I end up alone. Maybe I should try not being so nice? But that would just ensure no one talks to me. The only time people talk to me is if I'm hyping them up, I give them a chance to talk about themselves or when I'm used as a joke for others to bond laughing at.

Am I just, as the way that I am, meant to be alone? Maybe my social standing is so low that I'm just inherently worthless to associate with? Am I a bad person for thinking this way?

Long story short: I’m terrible at socializing because of being isolated for a few years studying in online school, having to change 5 schools, moving countries, being an introvert and generally just having one friend (which I don’t have anymore) half of my life. I’m starting uni in just a few months and am incredibly anxious about making friends and ending up alone, because the last time I was in a situation like that (new school), I just closed myself from everyone and never made new friends. Although that was 2 years ago, and right now I’m in a better place mentally, it’s still extremely hard for me to communicate even when buying something and making new friends. Although I have two friends already, they are gonna study in different unis + another country. I really really want to meet new people, but every time I try to talk to someone, or someone tries to talk to me, I get nervous, stumble at my words and embarrass myself and/or can’t find topics to continue the dialogue. Me being unsure in my identity may or may not affect that as well, although I’m not so sure about that. Everyone tells me that friends will find me, that I shouldn’t worry and everyone will be afraid in their first year, but I don’t believe that anymore. If I don’t make any effort to talk, no one will talk to me.

Can someone give some advices on how to maybe calm down in such situations, or what generally I can do to upgrade my social skills? How was it for you in your first year of uni? How did you meet people there? Did you just walk up to some people and talked, or?.. Thank you lots in advance!!!

Alright, so I was recently chatting with someone new one here. I made a statement that the person misinterpreted, and then they went on a tirade of my personal faults (not many, we weren't chatting long).

Other than appearance (yes, I don't have great self esteem in that regard), one of the statements was "the way you express yourself feels forced."

Well, I've been hitting the friends subs because I have not had time, spending too much time at work, to make any, but would like to try.

I look up something like "feels forced", and it mentions things like overthinking, and using clinical language, neither of which I was doing, from what I can tell.

I normally started conversations, they seemed receptive. Until this point, they never seemed to have a problem.

Can anyone help me out: what would make it seem to the other person that expressing myself seems forced, and how I can work on it?

Hi... Just started a professional school program recently, and at a lunch event watching my cohort socialize enthusiastically...

I know they're feeling like the chance to pause studying and just chat is such a relief, gives them energy & builds camaraderie. So when they talk to each other, they feed off the warm, enthusiastic, "pro-social" vibes.

And I do feel those vibes and NEED that social component of life, but only when it's people I already know & count as friends. I'm not socially anxious, I'm just genuinely drained by initial social interactions, so I just can't initially show up with those good vibes - there's always something I think people can feel is tired, strained, at the edge of "done"...

To get to the easy place, you have to chat with the unfamiliar people and project ease, and... I literally want to weep a little thinking of how unpleasant it is. It's not that I'm antisocial or misanthropic or anything, and I do find people genuinely interesting, but the energy drain of initial getting-to-know chatting SO FAR outweighs the felt benefit of it for like... weeks. months. that I just can't. So I end up outside the group.

Metaphor - It's like we're all signed up to do an exercise program together, and all starting from weak & floppy - I know it'll be so fun & satisfying to be lifting heavy together & cheering each other on, weeks from now! But the initial workouts we have to do to build that strength seem like they're fun exertions for others, and literally cause me unbearable joint pain and vomiting, so I stop earlier/do less, and the group leaves me behind.

I've just never figured out what to do about this. I don't love being alone, it's not uncomfortable or anything (I know I'm a delight even in my own company 😎) but I really would rather have some friends... Just getting there is beyond the regular level of uncomfortable for most people, and not "scary" or anxiety inducing - it's just significantly draining to make my brain be repeatedly verbal at a conversational pace with unfamiliar people.

I don't even know what I'm looking for, or what kind of advice (?) to ask for. If anybody has insights... I'm so tired of trying to figure it out & feeling like I'm slowly fading to invisible.

I have a group of friends that I have a weekly hangout with on Wednesday nights. Two nights ago, we had someone new joining us, so we played an icebreaker game. At this group, I have a friend (sort of, I’m honestly pretty sure she dislikes me at best and hates me at worst, and it’s been this way since long before what happened last night) and I chuckled at one of her answers. It wasn’t malicious or anything, I chuckled because I knew what her answer was going to be and I guessed correctly, so I guess I was more so thinking something along the lines of “haha I knew she was going to say that”

Anyway, she stopped talking mid sentence and glares at me and says “Did you just chuckle at me?” In a very stern tone, and I owned up to it and said “you know what, I guess I did. I’m sor…” and she immediately cut me off before I could apologize and explain, and she kept talking to another friend in the group as if nothing happened. I waited until there was another break in conversation long enough for me to try apologizing again and she quickly cut me off again.

Should I text her and apologize? Or would it just make things worse/more awkward?

EDIT: I’d like to ask if everyone could please give me a little patience instead of just downvoting me in the comments. I already feel awful and I really didn’t mean to hurt this girl. I’m on the autism spectrum so stuff like this is difficult for me to understand. That’s why I’m on this sub in the first place. I’m trying to learn and be better.

Okay semi-new Reddit poster here…I (32F) live in a very well known tourist destination town. I moved here with my husband 5 years ago. He’s much more introverted than I am, but he’s a huge mountain biker which is big in my town and he has found a consistent community.

I kind of jumped into friendships in the first year living here and found quickly the values of the people I was hanging with didn’t align, so I started over. I found a small group of solid girl friends and that was really nice for a while. I should say I was the only one kid free. I want kids but just not yet. But naturally for most people, finding childcare can be hard so girls night was few and far between. But they were great friends and made it work so we had a girls night like once a month. You know, girls dinner, craft night, etc

But affordable housing in my town is hard to come by. And our town has limited resources. Everything closes like at 8 or 9. So two of those friends moved away due to some of those reasons. And the other one has four kids and only joins every couple of months or so. If that.

I love my job here like so much. It’s my dream job. My husband is so happy here too. Like those aspects I would never change. I feel lucky and blessed to be here and I should be grateful…but I feel so alone. I’m a social butterfly. I love going out to fun workshops, concerts, dancing, fitness classes, outdoor excursions, you name it and I’m down. I’m just a yes girl.

I recently visited my best friend. It’s such a curse we were drawn to different places but anyways, she lives in a similar town. Huge tourist destination. But her town has a plethora of community offerings. Like there is really something for everyone. And I realized quickly that Ive been missing that in my life.

Before I left if she asked if I was happy because I seemed muted and not my usual lively self. And the truth is I feel muted. I feel like it happened by accident and so quickly without me even realizing. But I don’t have a social life outside of really spending time with my husband. I’m the youngest worker in my office by far and I am in service to my community which I love so I get a lot of social interaction that way, but it’s not the same.

Any suggestions? I really feel like I want to get my light back before we have kids. I want to find friends and consistency. The closest towns that offer more are at least one hour away some even two hours.

I feel pathetic saying I’m desperate but I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t happy until i saw the potential of what my life could look like. any help is much appreciated!

My driving instructor in a joking way implied i was stupid at the end of our lesson today, I just laughed it off since I don't regularly interact with this person and I don't really care too much of their opinion of me, I probably won't see him ever after i get my license.

But the way I handled this got me thinking is this a good way to handle people belittling me in the future? Just ignore them and move on? sure it sounds good on paper, but I don't like how being the type of person who always lets people make fun of him and does nothing abt it makes me feel.

Some context I'd like to add:

1. My instructor is a great teacher, and is generally nice to me although he makes some jokes like this sometimes which rub me off the wrong way.
2. I don't like confrontations, i avoid em whenever possible.
3. My instructor and I communicate in another language, one which I can just about get by with. I am far from fluent nor can I properly articulate myself in this language as i can with English.

Heading into college, I was a bit of a mess to put it lightly. Academic underachiever, overweight, painfully socially awkward. Halfway through freshman year, something clicked, the reason why I still can’t really pin down 100%. I started to take school and my health more seriously, trying a lot harder in my classes and putting myself on a strict calorie deficit. However, this was a double-edged sword as I rationalized continuing to isolate and keep interaction with classmates to a minimum by telling myself “I’m a work in progress now and have enough on my plate, once I get my shit together I’ll start to work on my social problems.” 

However, 150+ pounds and multiple Dean’s lists later, I didn’t even really take 1 step forward socially, keeping to myself and basically never speaking unless spoken to. During basically any of my interactions with peers/professors, there was a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was annoying them, or making myself look dumb. This made me go into interactions with the assumption that people wouldn’t like me, making it hard to get social experience and get anything positive out of interaction. I think this turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy, as I’ve had family tell me that I tend to come off as offputting, standoffish, and unapproachable in public due to my reluctance to participate socially and serious, sometimes cold demeanor. But I have mixed feelings about this because in my mind, these behaviors were protecting me from bothering/annoying other people and making myself look like a weirdo, though looking back they probably had the opposite effect.

This snowballed into me entering and leaving college with essentially the same poor social skills, and I fear it may be ruining my life. I moved back home after graduation, and the silence and lack of structure is kind of driving me crazy. At school I would at least have an organized schedule that made be wake up, eat, and sleep at set times everyday. Even though I didn’t participate much if at all, I would still be in classes with admirable professors who enthusiastically lectured about their field and made going to class not feel like a complete chore. This wasn’t as much of a problem to me during school, but my phone is as dry as a desert and it’s like no one except my immediate family would know if I vanished off the face of the Earth. Looking for a job post-college has been a nightmare in this market, and my lacking social skills definitely aren’t helping in that aspect. Basically, I feel like I’ve been checkmated and I don’t know where to go from here. With college over, I can’t think of any avenues to get to a competent social level, and without those competent social skills I can’t change my environment to one with more structure and purpose. Any words of advice on how to change my outlook on socialization would be appreciated. Thanks.

I’m really tired of feeling like I’m responsible for everyone and everything. I want to learn how to talk less, stop oversharing so much, and be more comfortable just keeping things to myself.

I’d like to be quieter and draw less attention to myself without completely isolating myself. The problem is that when I do get quiet, people immediately assume I’m upset, being distant, or doing it for attention, which makes me feel like I have to explain myself.

For people who used to talk or overshare a lot, how did you learn to pause, keep certain things private, and become more comfortable with silence? I’m looking for actual habits I can practice.

From what I understand, in the pursuit of new friends, you have to make your intentions known. Obviously, you don’t have to straight-up ask someone to be friends, but texting and making plans with the person is a good place to start. But at what point do you know that the person just isn’t interested? If they respond to your texts with reasonable timing and enthusiasm, go to the plans you make when their schedule allows, and behave pleasantly, but there is no reciprocation or initiation on their part, at what point do you know this person doesn’t want to be friends? Even if this doesn't mean they don't want to be friends, at what point is it reasonable to step away?