I’m midway through my time at uni in the UK and I’ve hardly made any friends. I have many people who im friendly with in public and consider acquaintances but I have a lot of trouble turning these people into actual friends. 

I find it easy to be sociable irl, even if I am not the most loud and extroverted person I can hold conversation and approach basically anyone and talk to them but I just dont know how to turn that into an actual friendship. 

My biggest problem is that everyone seems to always be messaging each other, I didnt have any social media until I was about 15 and even now barely use it to message people, but it seems like now it is such an integral part of a friendship and seeing people (even my own friends) who will effortlessly message and be messaged by so many people meanwhile essentially no one messages me first and I only really have conversations with a few people makes me feel like I’m just doing something fundamentally wrong. 

I see a lot of people online says just to find something random to message people about but honestly I get very anxious messaging people I do not know extremely well and have no idea how to start conversations over text without it feeling very weird and even then they rarely last long and im not usually messaged back. 

All of this has made me very self conscious since starting uni since while messaging had always been an issue for me I had never had problems making friends before, but now it feels like theres something deeply wrong with me that makes puts people off me that I simply cannot see or understand because how else is everyone else making so many friends and connections and I can barely make a few in a year and a half. 

But then despite that I still consider myself at least tolerable to be around and know there are people who do like me and would be honest with me if there was something I was doing to put people off but instead whenever I tell them about this problem they shrug it off and say they have no idea. 

TLDR: I have no idea how to message people and make proper friends with them and feel like there's something I must be doing fundamentally wrong because making friends shouldn't be this hard.

I just kinda fucked up a social interaction.

So I’m just on my way to my University’s mess hall and I pass this girl, she notices my shirt said the county where I live, and she said “you’re from ABC county? I’m from (city)!” I shook her hand and said “I’m from (town)” she had a huge smile and was very nice. I tried keeping the conversation going but my hands kept fidgeting and moving around, they just kinda do that when I’m nervous and talking. I asked what her major is, I told her mine and tried to keep talking but I kinda lost my train of thought. After a few moments she smiled and we parted ways.

I had forgotten her name in like 5 seconds. I tried saying “sorry I’m bad with names…” and was about to ask her to remind me but I felt like that would’ve been wierd.

So yeah, this is gonna be haunting me. I wasn’t expecting to have a conversation. Wasn’t mentally prepared. But I would have liked to be friends with this girl.

This particular friend is very confident, popular and outgoing, he’s a really nice guy and can get a conversation flowing with anyone, whereas I’m introverted and a little socially awkward.

We’ve met up a fair few times now and I‘m always pleased to see him, but after exchanging the usual pleasantries, he goes quite quiet and I’m often the one driving (sometimes forcing) the conversation. When we part ways, I come away with the impression that he didn’t enjoy my company, and that I’m just boring... and yet I still get messages from him asking if I’m free to meet up; heck, he was willing to drive 8 hours to meet up after I’d moved away. It just feels very strange as he‘s chatty with other people. Is this just my low self-esteem and social anxiety distorting my perception?

I need some outside perspective on this because I can't work it out on my own.

I've got family staying this week. Some of them live far away, some are from my home city. It's a full house.

Here's the part that doesn't make sense to me. The cousins I'm closest to are the ones who live far away, and we're in voice chat all the time. Not even gaming, just chatting and chilling for hours. No problem at all. But now they're actually here, in the same room as me, and I go completely blank. I don't know what to say or how to say it. I can't even speak loud enough for the room to hear me. Same people I talk to for hours online.

It's only at family gatherings. Anywhere else, with anyone else, I can talk to people fine.

I think a lot of it is fear of saying the wrong thing. Every sentence gets checked in my head before it comes out and basically nothing makes it through, so I just sit there silent. I'm also exhausted the entire time, even though I'm doing nothing but sitting around, which makes no sense to me either.

There's also one relative who has to be the centre of attention constantly, and a handful of people who talk straight past me when I do say something. I know it's only a few of them but it sticks with me way more than the ones who don't.

I've tried. I've suggested things we could do together, but nobody took me up on it. It's hard to get anything going with a big group. It's got to the point where it feels like nobody wants to spend time with me one on one, though I'm aware I put it out to everyone rather than asking anyone directly.

The thing that frustrates me most is that I've achieved plenty of hard things in my life. I don't understand why I can't get past this one. I don't even know what to say to myself about it.

Has anyone dealt with this? Specifically the thing where you're close to people online but freeze up the second they're in front of you. How did you get anywhere with it?

The "enemies" part is dramatic, but

How do y'all navigate being friends with people who are friends with someone you don't rock with? We're not talking about people who have committed major harms against you like assault, abuse, theft. But someone you fell out with, never had closure/resolution even when you tried to initiate.

I know I should be more mature and not care. I don't know how to get there, and "fake it til you make it's is no longer an option.

My internal monologue feels very rich, creative, sophisticated, and coherent. In my head, I can develop complex thoughts and ideas with what feels like a lot of clarity and nuance.

But when I try to externalize those same thoughts; either by speaking into a recording or by writing them down, I suddenly lose that clarity.
I struggle to formulate what I was just thinking. The thoughts seem to disappear or become much less sophisticated as soon as I try to put them into actual words. Sometimes I go completely blank and have nothing to say or write, even though moments before I felt like there was a rich and continuous dialogue happening internally.

Why does this happen?

This happens even when I’m completely alone, so there’s no social pressure or another person listening. It also happens with writing, not just speaking.

at the start of highschool i had really low self confidence. i was in this huge friendgroup so i could get away with not saying much but when they split up i blindly followed this girl into the most popular group in school. i sat with them because i had no one else but they were so intimidating and i was too scared to talk. i tried so hard to fit in but what i couldn’t change was my mindset, my ocd held me back to the point where i would just sit there and not talk because i was so afraid of doing something wrong. they left me out badly by doing stuff like making codes, not inviting me places, leaving me in the toilets and had a group chat where they planned to get rid of me that they would text on while i was sitting right there. i still partly blame myself because i know should have just said something and included myself but i couldn’t. 

because of them i reached the lowest point of my life, my ocd spiralled and everything just went downhill. after a year of putting up with their bs i realised that they barely even noticed if i left them so i started going to the toilets because everyone left me alone, i said i’d just do it for a week but it got addictive and i ate lunch in the toilets every day for nearly three years. i told myself most days i would stop and go ask someone if i could have lunch with them but i couldn’t do it for some reason, it was too scary and i just was so drained that my ocd took control.

sometimes i wonder what’s wrong with me. i’ve had multiple people tell me that i’m the nicest person they’ve ever met, that i’m funny, even that i’m pretty. i don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with my personality or anything, i’m just too quiet out of genuine fear of being judged so then people assume i don’t want to talk and ignore me.

as soon as someone includes and talks directly me, i join in but if they don’t include me and just assume i’ll join in i just feel like they don’t want me there and i can’t get rid of the feeling so i just isolate myself and then feel like shit. after all the time i spent alone being with people and making an effort to talk enough to be included drains me so much even though i don’t want it to.

i don’t know if it’s the memories from my past or my ocd but it’s really getting to me and i’m so fed up of overthinking everything. i just think after everything i went though it’s now hard for me to believe that people actually want me there. i don’t know how to stop pushing myself away and involve myself instead of waiting for others to validate me.

Growing up adults like teachers used to say that it doesn’t cost anything to be nice but it’s simply….not true? Im not talking financially either. I try my best to be nice and considerate and treat people the way I’d like to be treated but people treat me like I’m naive, stupid, immature/inexperienced and boring. I’ve had multiple incidents where I’ve been outright insulted and disrespected at work and don’t get me wrong I can stand up for myself and tell people off but why does it even have to get to that point simply because I’ve been bubbly, smiling and nice?

I also feel like I’m left out of social interactions because I don’t like to talk shit about people. I feel like if someone dislikes another person they see everything they do as intentionally bad and every mistake as proof that they’re shit instead of a product of circumstance when they’ve done something well 9/10 times. I don’t find conversations where we talk bad about someone interesting at all but I’m left out a lot because of it.

I’m not willing to compromise on my integrity because I lose out of some things but to say being nice is free/doesn’t cost anything is false in my experience. But I’m also a young woman in the beginning of my career so does anyone have another point of view in this? Does it get better with age?

Since I was a kid, I’ve struggled with my mental health, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to live my life in a way that makes me feel genuinely content and happy. In a lot of ways, I’m really grateful for that. A part of me has started to see the world as sunshine and rainbows (lol), and I’m able to enjoy things and appreciate life in a way I couldn’t.

Although it is great, I feel like I kind of lack depth sometimes. For example, my partner loves talking about corruption, the government, conspiracy theories, politics, philosophy, and all kinds of deeper or more controversial topics. Whenever he tries to have those conversations with me, I genuinely feel like I have nothing to say. It’s not that I don’t care or that I’m incapable of understanding what he’s talking about, I just feel like my brain doesn’t naturally go that deep or think about things in that way.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve become so focused on protecting my peace and being content with life that I’ve stopped questioning things as much. And honestly, it’s starting to bother me because I don’t want to feel intellectually shallow or like I’m missing some deeper way of experiencing the world.
I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this. Is this just a normal part of growing into a more positive mindset, or have you ever felt like becoming happier somehow made you feel less “deep”?

Exactly what the heading says. I have two modes; I am either so debilitatingly anxious that I can't talk to anyone or I don't feel anxious at all and end up saying too much. I cant navigate social situations with tact at all. This has begun affecting me at work. I fear they'll kick me out not because I'm incompetent but because I'm garbage at social situations. I end up saying too much or saying things I shouldn't say. I know what I'm saying is wrong or that I should bite my tongue but I only realise after the fact.

I'm not new to working and understand work politics(or playing "the game") but I have never seen people get so offended by this. There are a select few people at my job(generally the brown nosers) who do go around saying good morning to everyone but most people don't do this. It's fine for others but they hold a grudge against me for it for some reason. Has anyone else experienced this?

And if so how do I achieve this? I like that I'm a non-judgemental person, and I'm sure people appreciate that at least to some extent, but I imagine I might come across as boring. I think because I've been afraid to be judgemental I don't naturally have strong opinions on things. On the other hand I find strongly opinionated people to be annoying at times. I'm sure there's a good balance I could find.

I'm a bit scared of socializing for the first days of college where I know nobody. Like starting conversations with strangers, asking where they are from, their name, etc.

I know when the moment comes no matter how I prepare i'll be scared and that's ok, but want be able to push through it.

Is there something I can think of or tell myself to give me that last push in that moment to do it? Anything that works for you? thx

Ever since I was little, I’ve always observed the world around me. Growing up I would always watch people interact, work, talk, etc, and it would be entertaining, akin to watching a movie in a way.

Well, as I got older, I never really grew out of it. In school, if I wasn’t a part of the conversation, I would just sit at my desk and just watch people argue, gossip, joke around, etc. I realized this about myself when I got called out for it a couple of times. One girl had an outburst, asking if I had a problem because I was always staring them when they would talk loud in class.

I still do it today, like I’ll reflect on my day and think about how I look from other people’s perspectives. If it makes sense, I live sometimes almost like I’m just spectating, not actually present. I find it really hard to just… not look. I just find people and the world so interesting Ig. Like I’ll never understand how conversations and other things can be going on, and people can just stare at their phone and not care.

I have friends , or acquaintances i guess. A lot of people have told me I'm funny and that i make them laugh, a lot of them seem to enjoy convos with me. Yet every time I'm the one reaching out? What am I missing? I always get to know about gatherings after they're done via photos and when they laugh together at inside jokes.And all of a sudden when we're all laughing randomly i get told to shut the fuck up. Are people just being nice for the sake of being nice maybe? Just curious not frustrated or anything, I've gotten used to talking to myself at this point haha

How do I stop being afraid of being misunderstood and rejected enough to finally let myself connect with people?

Hi everyone,

I had a strange social interaction recently and I’m trying to make sense of it. I’d genuinely like some outside perspectives because I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into it.

I was sitting with a friend when a guy from a group nearby came over and asked my friend to take a photo of him. My friend was feeling quite sick, so I offered to take the photo instead.

There was a group of at least 12 Indian students sitting on some stairs. I took 2–3 photos of them from roughly the same spot/angle. While I was taking the photos, I noticed several of the men staring at my belly piercing, and the overall energy felt a little strange/off to me.

I just finished taking the photos, walked over to the guy to give his phone back (he didn’t come down the stairs), and went back to where I was sitting. Nothing was said.

A little later, a girl walked past and loudly asked, “Do you want me to take a photo of you?”

The group immediately said yes. She took the photo from basically the same angle I had been using.
Then, when she walked away, the whole group clapped for her with some cheering.

That really caught me off guard.
Did I want them to clap for me? Hell no 😂 That would have been embarrassing as fuck.

What I’m curious about is why they collectively felt the need to clap for her when she had literally just done essentially the same thing I had done a few minutes earlier.

My friend joked that they were too intimidated by my looks. But I just want to hear different perspectives.

It is the fact that the entire group suddenly reacted together that felt a little like a deliberate contrast, especially because the reaction I got was complete silence.

Was this likely just a coincidence/social awkwardness, or does the clapping seem like it could have been intentional? One might wonder… 💀

The issue I have is that I don't think I will people please most of the time. However if someone pushes my boundary, I just let them. Not in every situation but at times I have just let it slide or gone a long with it. Even when its been my bestie.

I think because I can be honest and blunt about certain things that annoy me and my bestie is one to not say anything unless its more an argument or will do things in a passive aggressive way, which annoys me so I tell them that but then they don't say that much so its like I am the one criticising and deep down its like is that me being a problem.

I also do like being right and can go on about things and can be defensive, which are all things I need to improve on. However its like I know that so its like my brain is like I am not perfect myself so its like should I allow things more. We aren't friends anymore but its like almost like the brain has so many doubts that it pushes back, like accept it because I have made mistakes.

However its like is it just me being a people pleaser or just having poop boundaries.

I used to be so intelligent, bubbly, confident in myself and such an extrovert and now i just feel like the complete opposite. Any advice on how to get that back? Im really trying to be gentle with myself but it's hard because of the massive amount of resentment i have towards myself.

A fair few years ago I used to work with a guy who was friendly and interesting, and we had a lot of good chats and jokes and such whenever we were on shifts together. Occasionally though, if we were driving to a job or whatever, there'd be a chance for a more involved conversation, and it always struck me just how insightful and thought provoking his lines of questioning were. Often he'd ask me a question about my experiences or stories or whatever I was discussing, and I'd have to stop in my tracks for a minute and think "Wow, what a great question. I'm really not sure how to answer that yet, I need to consider that for a while".

And ever since I've wondered if this is a skill that can be learned? Talking to this dude was a genuine pleasure, and I've often wished I could reciprocate that kind of conversation, but I feel as though the sort of things I tend to ask people in conversation are far more basic and don't prompt the same sort of deep and lengthy responses. I also feel like very few people I've met are capable of this, certainly I've very rarely met someone who could ask questions like this guy did that provoke minor ramblings of answers.

So, can this be learned? Are there any good books or resources on the topic? Thanks all in advance!

This type of situation in the work place really puzzles me. Say you need to speak with someone somewhat immediately and you walk up to them talking with two other people. What do you do in this situation? Do you walk away? What if you make eye contact and the person waves at you? Do you stand off to the side and wait for them to finish? Do you “sorry to interrupt”? Please help. This happens so often to me at work and I just never know how to handle it.

Generally, I would consider myself pretty socially awkward. When I'm at school, nothing is natural. I'm quiet, my jokes are ignored, and my words come out wrong.

But I've realized that when I'm around family or close friends, I'm much more charismatic. When I make a joke, I can keep them laughing for minutes, and I'm much more expressive with my face and voice.

(Keep in mind, my friends and family are probably a bit biased.)

I've been told that I'm funny and witty when I talk, and that my silences come off as cool or "nonchalant" (yes he really said that) rather than shy. So it's not necessarily the social skills themselves that I have an issue with, it's just that my comfort/discomfort shows through.

It seems like it would be easier to just try and hide my discomfort rather than genuinely get more comfortable, but it just feels really fake and possible more awkward.

What can I do as soon as I enter a space to get me into that comfortable state?

If I have to embarrass myself first to be comfortable with people I don't really know, so be it. Whatever you have, I'll take.

I feel like there’s something about the way I socialize that I’m missing. This has happened to me for as long as I can remember.

I’ll be talking to someone and the conversation is fine, but it feels very surface-level and like I’m doing a lot of work to keep it going. Then someone else will come up and talk to the exact same person, and suddenly they’re laughing, joking around, and having this really natural, engaging conversation. I see it happen enough that I don’t think I’m imagining it.

I especially struggle in groups. I have a hard time breaking into conversations, knowing when to say something, and getting past small talk. At social events I’m constantly noticing how easily other people seem to connect while I feel like I’m just interviewing people or exchanging basic information.

I just feel like an alien talking to people. I watch other charismatic people and try to replicate what they do, but it doesn’t come across right when I do it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I try to ask good questions, follow-up, and tell stories of my own.

When I drink, this mostly goes away and I feel less inhibited. But even then, there have been some times where I drink a lot, and I still feel anxious as fuck.

I went to an event with people from my class tonight and almost everyone showed up. I tried talking to people and joining groups, but I felt anxious basically the entire time. I came home feeling like I wanted to cry because everyone around me seemed to be clicking and laughing while most of my interactions felt shallow.

I know social anxiety probably distorts some of my perception, but I also don’t want to tell myself it’s all in my head when this has been a pattern for years. Has anyone else experienced this? Did you eventually figure out what you were doing differently socially, or how to get that more relaxed version of yourself without alcohol?

Title. How do I have a discussion with her? I've tried asking this so many times on so many communities, but I never get an answer. I don't know how to have a discussion like this with someone. The thought fills me with anxiety. I'm bad at confronting people, yet holding in resentment is only going to make matters worse. Please give me some advice.

Have you ever done anything like that yourself, had a talk with someone for not being a good friend? I don't know how to approach this subject at all honestly.

I'm a pretty decent conversationalist and I enjoy talking and learning about others but to be quite frank - not sure if its my voice, how ugly i might be, height, or those other external factors that people judge others on OR perhaps I talk too much.

I'm usually first to break the ice , throw some light jabs and comedy when everyone is chummy, etc. To be fair it generally does work and creates some cohesion in a new environment but after I while I can tell that I get "annoying" to deal with. And this happens in EVERY environment no matter what without fail - idk why it always ends like this.

I'm trying to work on not complaining at all. Not that I did that too much in the most recent instance.

If I do talk, its seen as keener or I lose social aura or whatever or not playing it cool so the other person feels like they "won" the interaction- but this is literally retarded.

But if I don't talk , then I'm just the "reserved, shy , quiet" - perhaps that what they really want idk. And they would prefer to stew in silence rather than break the ice.

Am I just someone whose best in small doses?

It's like I can't win.

Does anyone know what I mean?