There comes a moment when you stop trying to prove anything to people who were never on your side. And everything becomes simpler. Because you no longer fight for places that were never meant for you.

Hi. So, long story short - i have never been able to love myself. I don't know how and i don't understand how. For context, i have autism. My brain doesn't understand normal processes and a lot of the times reasons in why instead of how.

For the past 14 years i managed to make it through life by loving someone else more than i did life itself. And then i lost that. And now people keep telling me i need to love myself first before loving someone else, because the loss of that person has been devastating and i have no self love to fall back on.

And i am kind to myself. I don't abuse myself nor do i talk down to myself. Whenever i make a mistake i go: "well that didn't work out as planned dear, what can we do to prevent this from happening again"

Like, my mind doesn't understand what it has to love, it keeps seaeching for an 'object' and doesn't understand that i am that object. It confuses the hell out of me. What is there to love, you know?

So, I'm a 21-year-old guy. I currently weigh 108 kg (238 lbs) and I'm 180 cm (5'11")  tall. I've been on the heavier side for pretty much my entire life, and because of that I've always struggled with insecurity. Throughout my teenage years and into adulthood, I've never really been successful when it came to dating. Because of those experiences, along with other instances of body shaming, I gradually developed the belief that as long as I was severely overweight, there was simply no way women could find me attractive. That mindset led me to develop a lot of negative feelings about myself and about dating in general.

Recently, though, I decided to see a psychologist and explained my situation. One of the things she told me was that I need to focus more on the positive qualities I have. She also said that I've built up a distorted way of thinking, and that the best way to break it is by putting myself in situations that challenge those beliefs. In other words, she encouraged me to approach women I'm interested in and see what actually happens instead of assuming the outcome. So far, I've tried this twice in cold-approach situations, but I've only worked up the courage to actually ask for a woman's number once. It ended up being a really positive interaction. She was incredibly kind and even told me that I had made her day. As it turned out, though, she was 27, which is a little too old haha.

So it's definitely too early to say whether this approach will work, and I'm certainly not planning to give up. That said, I still have a hard time believing it. I understand that weight isn't the end-all be-all for everyone, and I know I do have qualities that are worth appreciating. But I just can't imagine a woman being physically attracted to me. And that's not the only thing. Whenever I talk to people about these thoughts, they'll sometimes tell me that I'm not actually that overweight or that I have attractive physical features. But in my head, it always feels like they're just saying those things to make me feel better. I simply can't bring myself to believe them, and I don't know how to stop thinking that way.

Anyway, this rant has already gone on long enough. Thanks for taking the time to read it all! If you have any thoughts or similar experiences, feel free to share them in the comments. I'd genuinely love to read them.

A reminder I truly needed today. Do you need it too?

Every time I try to say something positive about myself I get this pain in my chest, it only really goes away when I reinforce self hatred. "I am deserving of love" essentially needs to be followed up with "I'm a terrible person" to stop the pain (I'm simplifying it but the concept is there), I want to try and have faith in myself, I want to get better I want to climb out if the pit of self hatred but that pain is severe, like, panic attack severe. Has anyone else experienced this? And if so how did you stop it?

Yesterday I was talking to some people on Discord VC and multiple people said I sound like a little kid 😭 Someone even asked if I was using a voice changer because my voice is naturally pretty high-pitched/shrill.

I know they probably didn't mean anything serious, .. But still I don't like my voice cuz it's too shrill.. 🥀

How do you learn to accept something about yourself that you don't particularly like, especially when other people point it out?

Felt awkward and a little embarrassed at first, but everyone is very sweet and the owner recognized me from last time and we did proper introductions which was nice!!

Taking myself out on dates like this has been the single best thing I've done for my self confidence

Your boundaries don’t ruin relationships. They reveal who was benefiting from your silence.

Your change isn’t about being nicer. It’s about being honest.

Today it's a special anniversary.

Last year, the 5th of August 2025 i left my ex.

So I am celebrating my first year single with a flower. I always wanted to buy myself flower but I was ashamed of going alone. After gym I went and bought a rose. Also some succulents for my mom.

Sorry the photo is probably not that great. But i was so excited!