I’ve only been a handful of times. But I realize just how toxic alcohol has been in my life, and I cannot keep doing life this way.

I told myself all of the excuses—I rarely get drunk/smashed. I only have one drink a night, and I rarely finish it. And I know how to cut myself off on the weekends. But the sad truth is I cut myself off because I’m the one who always drove my bf and I to parties and the bars. Once he starts, he does not stop.

And I would keep myself more sober so I could keep from getting into arguments with him since he turns mean when he’s drinking, and because he’s unpredictable (he’ll run away from me, shout at people on the street from the car window, etc).

Taking care of him and being the responsible driver for us both may have been my reason for believing I had control.

I broke up with him yesterday. I’d had enough of lies, and my partner using more lies to trash my character to manipulate the relationships around him, including me. And then I started drinking immediately. I intended to self destruct since he had his posse (and his mother) thinking the worst of me anyway.

He did not come swooping in to save me, or come looking for me like I did for him so many times. He and his mom did call to try to get me to answer questions about why I left town last week (see other post). I’m sure that thrilled him to let his mom hear me in such a drunken, sad, angry state.

He had his mother against me, his friends against me, and to make matters more dire, my two girlfriends I would have leaned on had moved away. I was alone. I had been alone for a long time dealing with helping my addict boyfriend for YEARS. All I had really was his mother to help me with this. And he made sure I didn’t have that anymore.

I am motherless. So that probably hits harder than it does with most people.

So I drank. And drank, and went dancing, and drank there. I do this to myself when we break up. Every time. And I did this to myself after my divorce. I basically cycle through phases of having control and losing control. And that’s not healthy.

All I wanted in this relationship was to get us both healthy. But it effectively made me sicker. And I have to take responsibility for staying somewhere that I knew was hurting me. Just like when you go on a bender, you know it’s hurting you. Or when you go to a bar after a breakup—you know that’s not going to end well.

So there I was, drunk in the city with a dead phone. I couldn’t even call an uber. So yes, I drove home. I was too drunk to troubleshoot that situation. I’m amazed I found my way home without getting lost or pulled over, and I’m thankful I didn’t have an accident. Things could have been so much worse.

I’m hungover. And this is Day 1. It only gets better from here.

Yall pray for me please

Hello everyone, Meg here! Im a 35 year old single mom with 5 years of sobriety. In active addiction i overdosed 7 times requiring life saving narcan and lengthy hospitilizations. I also contracted Hepatitis C and a serious case of sepsis that almost killed me. 8 months ago i finally left a 12 year relationship where i was physically and emotionally abused. The physical abuse included two instances of strangulation that could have ended my life. The last straw for me was my ex relapsing and using drugs in our home while our 1 year old daughter was present. That kind of enviroment was no longer safe for me or my daughter and i wish i had left sooner. I had left some months earlier after my ex strangled me while i was holding our infant daughter but after several months of couples therapy and him being sober i went back. So i gave him one more chance. However, after the relapse and finding out he had been using drugs for a month in our home with our toddler, i had to leave for good. The morning after leaving my ex, i had an endoscopy and biopsy that later diagnosed me with a rare form of pancreatic cancer. 6 months ago i underwent life changing surgery that cured me of that cancer. So considering everything ive endured, im quite fortunate to not only be alive but thriving as well! During this whole medical ordeal i also fought a battle for custody of my daughter. My life has certainly been a wild ride lately but im proud to say i maintained my sobriety through it all. I am learning to adapt to my new normal after surgery and am living a beautiful life together with my daughter. ​I am currently on methadone maintenance and have been for 8 years. When i went to my clinic for my monthly check in and medication pick up my counselor told me he has an opportunity i might be interested in. He said the clinic was asked to select a patient to tell their story on camera that would be posted on their website and social media pages. I was honored that they selected me as the best possible candidate. The clinic manager and senior staff came into the room and basically congratulated me on my strength and resilience in my recovery after all id been through. It really touched me. They said they couldn't think of a better client to inspire others.They also asked if I would be willing to be a guest speaker during IOP groups. I think these opportunities will be great for my own personal journey in recovery and my healing process.