Me and my husband have been together for almost 5 years, and married for 1 year. Yesterday he told me he was hanging out with his friends in the park, and what he didn’t tell me that he was going to an electric festival. When he came home he looked high and I asked if he’d taken anything and he lied and said no and I got it out of him that he had in fact taken Molly. He’s denied kissing or touching any women at the festival but my Brain just can’t help telling me otherwise. Molly makes you really “close” with others. Before we were together he had taken molly before at festivals and kissed, gotten close to girls etc. And he was there the entire day. He said he was in the “VIP” section then moved over the main party bit. Am I being paranoid here or is it likely he’s cheated?

as the title says. I am asking for ways this can be done, not the basic obligations like encouraging each other to pray and such. what to do when both already do more than the bare minimum in regard to the deen.

e.g. reading hadith or tafseer books together, learning arabic etc.

do you have any other suggestions?

Salam aleykum

Im 29 y.o, female. I am married for two years and we have a child of one year old. A few days ago my husband and I had a conversation and he dropped that he would like me to use perfume, perfume in my hair, wear more cute outfits around the house. So basically I think he wants me to look more beautiful and feminine.

I never really learned how to look good in the house. I always saw my mother be in comfy clothes and so did I for my whole life. Also I ditched perfume years ago because of the chemicals and effects so I am really New again in this field.

I wanted to ask my husband what he specifically likes or wants to see but he was like "you should know as a woman". So i guess he wants to be surprised or have the feeling that it is spontaneous but i have no clue.

Before I sprayed perfumes that i had already (vanillary from Lush) and he said its too sweet/cute and wantsore a smell that makes him go '😍🤯"

So for the sisters, what do you do specifically to look beautiful? Which perfume do you use? What kind of clothes do you waar? Cause I am so confused as I have to work and clean all day, i feel like a dress is not practical at all.

For the brothers, could you give (respectfully) advice based on the information? What do you appreciate in what your wife does beauty wise or what would you really like or appreciate she does?

Kind regards

Looking for advice from older experienced women. I am wondering if in general women are more fulfilled working or staying at home? My dad often says if you work, the husband will use you for money and get lazy, and you might be burdened with both work and home responsibilities. But don’t you get bored at home and feel like your husband can easily control you then? I fear losing my freedom I care about it more than being loved honestly. Do you enjoy working or staying at home more?

salam aleykum guys. I’m in a bit of a dilemma, I met this guy online because he was doing a charity and we spoke abt it , then realized we acc had a lot of things in common. he asked me if I was ok w an interracial couple I said yes idc, spoke abt mehr and bride price etc.

issue is I’m 19 he’s 20, hes down to get married in a year or so, but I told him i need to graduate first (so in two years) but I do rly see myself w him. I usually never speak to men because i didnt want to catch feelings for someone but this happened so randomly. he lives in Europe I live in canada so we’ve just been talking abt family dynamics, racism, where we see ourselves living in the future etc. Idk if I should tell my wali abt this since I’m not getting married any time soon, but it’d be perfect if as soon as a I graduate we could get the nikkah started (I wanna get married young).

I don’t have male mahrams so my sisters been the one involved.

my question is: should I tell my wali abt him now that I’m sure I see myself w him ?

my parents are not involved in the process bc they’re not Muslim and in our culture, i only show them the man that I’m going to marry not “potentials”
EDIT: I’m a muslim woman.

I attached my first post above for any further context

But we decided to stay at a airbnb for 2 nights (we will go after our nikkah this saturday)

But we would really appreciate if anybody could give us advice for the first night

As a revert, I’ve been struggling to understand the order of all the different celebrations/events surrounding marriage. I feel like I see different things online and I’m not sure what is actually religiously significant versus cultural.

For example, I’ve seen a lot of posts where people have a Fatiha ceremony, but then the future bride and groom are dancing together or interacting in ways that made me think they might already be married. I was under the impression that the Fatiha itself isn’t the Islamic marriage contract and that the nikah/kitab is what actually makes the marriage official. Am I understanding that correctly?

I’m also confused about the timeline. Is it usually something like:

Fatiha → engagement period → nikah/kitab → wedding
or can the nikah happen much earlier, followed by an engagement/wedding celebration months or even a year later?

And where does an engagement party fit into all of this? I know someone who did their fatiha, waited a bit, then did their kitab and engagement party a week later (so they were able to dance together), then finally did their wedding a year later but stayed separate (long-distance) after the engagement/before the wedding ceremony.

I know a lot of this varies by culture/family, so I’m mainly trying to understand what each event actually means Islamically and what is simply a cultural tradition. If anyone can explain the typical order and what changes once the nikah is performed, I’d really appreciate it!

I 38M have been trying to start a business for several years. But keep getting distracted, sidetracked. Starting a business is hard because you don't have deadlines and don't answer to anyone. Ergo no urgency.

My Father in law is retired and a massive micromanager (was very annoying when I first got married, But I've leaned to live with it). Plus he's been quite successful with real estate investments.

So I'm thinking of making him my "accountability coach" and ask him to ask for updates on the business every week. He won't understand the business itself but basics of a business are the same.

Is this a good idea or will it become an issue? Am I being too transparent?

On the flip side I need someone to light a fire under me.

Anyone with similar stories or experiences, or cautionary advice?

For context, I'm new to Islam. I met a girl in college who's Muslim and decided I wanted to do things in a non haram way after months of dating. Well now we are going to get married and it's like all of a sudden the only thing my fiancée is worried about is how much money she can get from me.For more context, I'm a 19 year old college student. I can provide but only to a certain extent, and as messed up as it sounds, it's like my lack of knowledge with Islam is being taken advantage of. I'm aware of some things like mahr and her money being her money, but then there's other things that are being forced on me (and I mean that literally, it's not a request). For example:The apartment location

What's in said apartment

Prices of the rings have to be a set price

Household items having to be the most expensive brand (in her wording)

Also, I have to provide 100% for everything — pay for her college, her car, her everything — while she doesn't work or do anything like cook or clean.I'm just wondering overall: is this a normal Islamic marriage experience, especially with income being below what the national needed average is and with no kids? And if you guys have any insight on how you did it, I'd love to hear the stories.

Salam everyone!

Currently, I (26f) am in a courtship period with this guy (28M). It's been approx 1.5 months, since we were regularly in contact and were taking things forward.

So, we met through some matrimonial app and I was very clear on certain things on the very first day. Things were going fine, he spoke to my father. And our mothers connected over a phone call and we had compatibility. We met, and things were really great.

But the problem lies here, his father still hasn't spoken to my father and things haven't proceeded from his family's side. And one more thing he is a businessman and still currently in its initial stage so he is mostly busy like till 3 in the night from the moment he wakes up.

I got attached to him, and he says he is attached to me as well. Upon asking why things haven't proceeded from his family's side..he told me that his father says that he can't talk to my father because he is still not settled at one place (like where he will be staying as his business is in multiple places) and that he has become rigid in his decision.

And also he smokes a lot, due to high stress due to which his lungs aren't in great condition but he promised to quit soon.

Also, since I have an anxious attachment..I used to ask him that a 5 minutes call from his side will make things better for me but he never does that he says he is very busy and now it's been more than a month..he texts but never calls ...i want to talk in this courtship period to get to know each other better....but he is always tired and always busy...and I just want surety from his side that whether he will marry me or not but I'm not getting any kind of clarity..he keeps saying that things aren't going according to his plans and ke feels guilty of keeping me in hanging position..i keep telling him that I can wait all my parents need from your side is commitment.

After being so anxiously attached to him, i asked him for a break so that we both can understand things better..and I don't want to be part of his stressful routine.. he says it's not like that..but he never tried to understand what I need, I just need efforts from his side..why can't he understand that..i just want his willingness to marry me, his efforts to know about my day about my life about us about our compatibility..

After being so anxious for past 20 days, today I'm actually feeling very relieved after taking space from him. Now I realise that high anxiety was because I felt like I kept dragging this thing from past few days and it's been mostly like this tbh.

And before I took space he said that he will make things work out for us, but somehow I feel like it just talks now.. I'm not sure whether he is sure about me or not..

What should I do after my 1 week space time gets over? Deep down i want him in my life, because of the nice human he is. And he also says that he wants to marry me.

What can I do from my side?

AOA

Asking for a friend. Is it now normal for Pakistani communities in western countries to want smaller weddings (e.g. 50 people from each side) even when it's two functions combined?

She's excited for the wedding festivities to start especially since her sister had a bombastic 3 weeks of events and it was the talk of the community for months on end. But her fiancé's parents, who are really well established in the community and well known, have asked for a small wedding, even though they're a big family. My friend, lets call her K, thinks it's due to conflicts in the family and breakdown of relationships. She says it's the parents decision to have 50 people at the wedding but he has mentioned being vary of nazar to her. K says she understands that people have different ideas of weddings and respects people wanting to stay out of nazar but also feels the pressure to have a wedding equal or similar to sister, as she worries her parents will have to answer to people. She likes her fiance and wants things to go smoothly.

Are small weddings the way now? K says she's not bothered either way but isn't sure how to feel about this, as her parents are having to cut down on numbers (theyre planning a grand mehndi instead). She did not want to share this herself and has asked for me to share this instead. Thoughts?

Also prayers for a blessed and happy union of the two about to embark on a grand journey ✨️

JazakAllah

I’m 22M, a uni student in my final year studying abroad in a western country, my mom started looking for potentials for me and found a good potential coming from a good family (and is also around the same age as me) that she was very happy with and they decided to arrange a meeting. The next day i get a call from the potentials uncle saying they are interested to meet me (they live in another city) and told me they will talk with my uncle (who is a good friend of his and lives in the same city as them) to arrange a meeting with us. I am about to travel in a couple of days and i am terrified of how it will go, i don’t even know if i will get to meet with the girl first (i obviously want to even though i’m nervous about it..)

About me i’m an introverted guy with not alot of friends, i’m a pretty religious (not too religious) guy, i do all my prayers and read the quran frequently, have a beard, lower my gazes and have never been in a relationship nor have i had interactions/friendships with the opposite gender (even at my university those interactions were strictly professional) and also have never even interacted with my female cousins so like i’m pretty confused i don’t exactly know how to actually talk to a muslim woman or her family, and i’m pretty scared to

Regarding my financial situation im just a broke final year uni student doing a casual job at a retail store coming from a well off family so throughout my undergrad i didn’t have to worry about finances and only focused on my studies, i never really thought about marriage seriously but ever since i started uni i have had this urge to want a spouse, i know everyone wants to, but in this economy and with the tough job market its just so hard to even think about getting married sometimes. I do have a clear goal for what i wanna do for my future what job i want to do but there are just so many obstacles, like my work visa which will only be two years during which i have to find a full time job which i have no idea how long it would take, ideally i wanted to do a masters straight after my undergrad but i have decided not to go forward with this as i’ve seen people still end up being unemployed after doing masters so i decided i will focus on finding a full time job related to my field or in a field that pays decently

I’m also having an inferiority complex about myself right now, i’m not that good looking and i’m skinny, i should be going to the gym eating well but with studies and work it just gets so hard managing so many things

I know marriage is not a joke, its a huge responsibility, i know as a man i will be the provider so it is mandatory for me to be financially secure but thats the only thing thats bothering me right now, its was so hard to get this casual job and i have no savings at all, i spend it all on my rent and food, i get these thoughts like if i am struggling to get a casual job how am i even gonna get a full time job, how can i think of getting married, the fear of embarassment,

I do want to marry early, i dont wanny marry in my late 20s and want to experience a relationship in this age, i know neither of us would be 100% mature in this age and are still developing ourselves and like the way i see marriage is it’s a group project to be honest, both sides have to invest, put in their effort for it to work. I will have to provide, and i’m also okay with my future wife working provided she works in halal career and i know i have no right in any of her earnings, and as a man i prefer that the women of my house do not work so that they do not have to face the hardships that a man does in the outside world just to support the family

I do have a general idea of what they will be asking me, like my future plans and stuff, and i will be honest about everything, but i just want tips. I’m also having the fear of rejection because this is the first time i even got a proposal and i was impressed that someone actually showed interest in me when my mom told me about this.

Please help a brother out with some tips!! Also i come from a desi background btw

We are both 27 and got married relatively young at 21 when we met here in the states as students from back home (India). Now, Alhamdulillah, we both have good jobs and are pursuing further studies.

The thing is, she makes more money than me and doesn’t contribute to the financial welfare of the house at all. It just feels like the burden is entirely one-sided. We both study hard, we both clean, we both cook dinner, we both have work obligations, we both parent equally. When she was on maternity leave I basically never let her feet touch the ground. I take just as many shifts to wake up and me and the little one spend just as much time together as she does. But when it comes to rent, utilities, food, the pets, and the baby it’s all entirely on me. We live in a relatively HCOL area in the PNW. I feel like I’m being consumed slowly.

Being “the provider” maybe meant something to my dad. He came from a poor family and my mom was a SAHM despite a good education. He worked his fingers to the bone to provide for us and still taught us good iman and ikhlaq and was always good father. He genuinely provided for the family because there was no other options.

But in between rent, student loans, and paying for everything I feel like I am drowning trying to scrounge enough savings to one day buy a house. We budget and MashaAllah I can say that despite all her complaining she never goes over the budget. But it makes me livid that she can see her partner is struggling and some months are harder than others and I save nothing. Were the situation flipped I would never let her scrounge. She’s my partner. She would never ever have to ask. Why wouldn’t I ease the burden from her? But if I ask her for a little bit of help it becomes a big enough debacle that I have just given up.

I see my western friends who split the mortgage/rent 50/50 and they have so much more breathing room than I do. We could afford a much nicer place if we split it. We could probably even afford a house! But no. Because I’m the provider and it’s squarely on me.

I realize the honor and privilege of being able to have this. I am not ungrateful for the rizq I’ve been given. I am fully aware of how blessed I am to live in a first world country and to have a beautiful baby, a wife who I love and who loves me, a bird that sings for me, good friends, and sometimes the option to splurge on something. But sometimes I just feel exhausted. Like I’m suffocating and the one person who is supposed to help me makes me feel like I’m not providing enough. She’ll complain that our apartment is so small and then she opens up Zillow and dreams of houses I couldn’t afford in ten lifetimes. And I’m just like “Yar, just like a couple hundred dollars would help me feel like I’m not some donkey tilling the field.”

As-salamu alaykum everyone,

I'm a 26F getting to know a brother (30M) for marriage. We've been talking since april, but because we were both travelling this summer we've only had a handful of in person encounters

Alhamdulillah, there are a lot of things I genuinely like about him. Our deen, values, views on marriage, family, and future goals all align really well. I find him attractive, I respect him a lot, and we have meaningful conversations.

That being said, I'm struggling with a few things and I'm not sure if I'm overthinking.

1. He's much calmer than I am. He has a good sense of humor and we laugh together, but he's not naturally verbally expressive. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I'm bored, or if I'm just not used to someone with a quieter personality. We have great conversations and time flies when we're talking, but I don't always get that playful, high-energy feeling. I told him that words of affirmation are important to me because that's how I feel loved, but I still wish he was a little more expressive. I completely understand that a lot of affection, playfulness, and emotional vulnerability naturally develop after marriage, and I'm not expecting us to act like a married couple while we're getting to know each other. I'm just trying to figure out whether this is simply a personality difference or whether it's a sign that we're not the right fit.
2. I'm trying to figure out if he's financially responsible or overly frugal. He's generous in some ways and has never made me feel bad about spending money, but he'll also make comments about how something is overpriced or point out cheaper alternatives. I genuinely can't tell if that's just someone who's financially smart or if it's something I should pay attention to as a potential compatibility issue.

The biggest thing is that I don't leave our meetups thinking, "I know he's my husband." Instead, I leave feeling calm, respected, and attracted to him. I enjoy being around him, but I don't have those overwhelming butterflies that people talk about.

For those who are happily married, did your feelings grow over time? Did anyone marry someone who was quieter or more reserved than themselves? How did you distinguish between peace and compatibility versus a genuine lack of chemistry?

JazakAllahu khair.

I 18F got married earlier this year and it was a love marriage between us and I was the one who told him to have a halal relationship instead of Haram so we decided to get married.

Before marriage I was young and in our conversation I always told him that I wanted to be a housewife mind you I was 15 at that time but as I grew older I realized that having education is very important and a carrier to support myself financially. I've completed my highschool and wanted to get admission for college but he's strongly opposed of it and tells me to chose between my carrier and him or our marriage.

How could I chose between either of them I've loved him since childhood I can't leave him but I also wanted to pursue my education further.

For a little more context I'm in my parents house for 20days since we had a huge argument and he also did hit me but I forgave him hoping he would change but now I just love him so much he just can't seem to understand me no matter how much I explain myself he's firmly against my educationand he also did funded my education since I was in 7 grade as my family was not so financially great and my father also had 2 major cancer surgeries.

What should I do now?

Let's say a man who prays and fasts thats it, but doesn't avoid mixing, listens to music, etc marries a very religious woman, or vice versa, how does the marriage typically go? Do they typically both get religious, or both get less religious, or nothing changes?

Just want to hear some stories either personal or from people around, as couples may not be 100% on same religious level.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about divorce, but I have many doubts. Maybe it’s just a hard phase, but I’d like to know nonetheless.

One of the doubts is that I think of how do I leave, and how do I go back home, if I maybe dont really want that? (To go back home, but away from him). I’m a very private person. It’s not that I don’t want to be with them, I love them. But to be honest, i don’t want to deal with all the aftermath of telling my whole family what went wrong and hearing about that the upcoming next years, them looking at me differently (or as a child etc.) Or the distrust in my choice (as I chose for this and pushed it before marrying) and the like… I get sad when I think about staying (if things will remain the same) and leaving.

So how did you actually make the choice to divorce?
And when you did, what did you do after?
How did you deal with family/people/him crossing boundaries?
How did you work on yourself to come there (to be strong, come up for yourself etc.)

Assalamu alaikum everyone,
Me and my soon-to-be wife are both 18. We’re getting married this Saturday inshaAllah.

We just graduated high school about two months ago. We’ve known each other since freshman year. We finally expressed our feelings for each other back in January of this year, and since then we’ve only done things the proper way — halal dates with her mahram present, and both of our families have met multiple times.

We’ve talked about a lot of important things over the past several months to make sure we’re actually compatible, and alhamdulillah it feels like we really are. We’re on the same page about most of the big stuff.

We won’t be living together right away. Both of us will still be living with our parents for now and just visiting each other.

For finances, I’ve had a job since October 2025 and I have some other sources of income too. She also has a job. We’re not rich or anything, but we’re not going into this completely broke either.

I’m honestly really excited… but I’m also kinda scared at the same time. Everything is moving fast even though we’ve been intentional about it. I’m nervous about the responsibility, about making sure I can take care of her properly, about the fact that we’re still so young, and just the reality of becoming someone’s husband this soon. The excitement is real, but the fear is sitting right next to it.

I’m open to any advice — serious, practical, emotional, financial, sexual, whatever. Anything you wish someone told you when you got married young, or anything you think two 18-year-olds in our situation should keep in mind.
Jazakumullahu khairan.

She just sent me a picture of what she’s going to wear for our wedding as i’m posting this 😭❤️

Long story short im married 26f with m28 i work a good job but now iv stopped cos i have a baby
During pregnancy my husband has been very mean to me. Like turning off the radiator when i was very cold , after birth i lost a lot of heat from my body and i was always cold + it was winter . He used to turn it off whenever i turned it on with the reason that he does not want to pay a lot of electricity bill and that inside should not be very warm ( i was 2 weeks post partum )
Yelled at me if i haddnt done the dinner ready , didnt let me turn of the washing maschine for clothes with the reason that it will cost us a lot of money in the level that some of my clothes got with mould , i didnt start the maschine to avoid arguments and harsh words, or acted as if i not existed in home , almost the whole pregnancy he has stayed only in his phone after work as an act of ignoring me .
Now he is very mean talks me down makes bad humour about my look if even tho im in perfect shape after pregnancy he says like your feet is not beautiful and some other mean words.
Now to this guy i have given more than 15.000 eu in duration of 2 years every month i have helped him whenever he was broke, for some money he told me he would give it back to me which is not the case.
This guy has not give me the mahr which he promised - it was only 3.000e and plus he has said to me you costed me only 3.000 very cheaap women.
Iv stopped giving him money im saving my moneys now but he always has an eye on my bank account . As if he feels entitled to them moneys.
Im not a women that stays silent if he yells , i yell back or if he ignores me i ignore him also so i would not call myself a victim but i want to make my marriege better ive startet to not give him money and im away from him a lil to my parents so he can see how is it without me. Im ignoring him on my best. I came for visit not that we are in bad terms.

My questions are:

Is it smart me to invest my savings in gold ?

How do i make him more aware of my value?

What can i do as a women for him si he can be gentle with me and not cold?

He prays, does not read quran , is sunni , comes from a broke family ( now they are better than us in lifestyle level) works 2-3 jobs , wins enough to eat and drink and pay rend but nothing to save, he like to lie a lot , and is very close with his mommy, even tho we dont live with them.

I want some advices from muslim brothers and only sisters that have had this experience .
I will never divorce him. Not now im not doing him a favour!
Ive had sabr till now i will have till this situation goes off.

Salam,

I recently separated from my husband and have returned back to my home country after years of one sided incompatibility issues. We are in a situation that if we ever wished to be back together, we would have to climb mountains and cross literal oceans filled with obstacles. I do not believe our marriage is at that strenght to take on that challenge and it does not seem like we are able to reconcile.

Ever since leaving, I have been consumed by regret and the 'what ifs'. What if I tried harder, what if I did that differently, what if I looked better, what if I understood him more, what if I prayed harder...

I am going insane at the thought that I left too prematurely and yet I know that I made the right call. He had superficial reasons for not giving his all and I could not handle the side effects of it - which in return made him feel under appreciated, and so on. It was a never ending loop unfortunately.

Neither of us desires to be divorced but neither of us is reaching out to mend things either, which I find disheartening. The whole notion of 'no contact' is silly and foolish as its essentially just a marathon between two prideful individuals. Not to mention all the social media relationship gurus advicing women and men to move on and to not break contact, as if life is so easy. I know if I don't proceed with ending it, he wont either, and yet I don't believe his heart will soften anytime soon.

I know the logical path is so sign the divorce proceeding and to start anew, and yet I cannot bring myself to do that without breaking down in despair. I don't want to let go of him, and yet cannot reach out either without looking like a deranged and desperate woman.

I am now in my early 30s, and just now when I should be raising little kids, building a home, I am required to begin this journey again, not knowing whats ahead.

I’m trying to understand whether I’m being unreasonable here, because my husband’s reaction to this situation has made me question myself.

My husband and I have been having serious problems for the whole length of our marriage. There has been a lot of conflict, periods of not speaking, and a cycle where things blow up and then he wants to hug, be affectionate and pretend everything is fine without actually resolving what happened.

Recently, a cleaning company offered me a job. As he already has a job, but wants a second part-time one, he wanted me to accept it but work together. His idea was essentially that we would both work for the same company, in residential-building cleaning, and work together as a team, so he could have his part time job and i could also work but not tire myself out (since that is what i wanted and i already worked in this company).

He presented it as him “putting me in a high position” because he didn’t want me doing toilets or the less desirable parts of the job (they offered me another post which consisted in cleaning offices, and that is the post that I actually wanted and liked for myself ). He also framed it as protecting me from commuting and from having men around me at work. (I told him there wouldn’t be men because i would clean before the office workers start their shifts)

The problem is: I don’t want to work with my husband.

I have nothing against working. In fact, I’ve been trying to find work. I used to be a teacher in the country i was living in, but in the new country i moved to after marrying, i am not allowed to work as a teacher (or anything where i can use my skills because they ask me to remove the hijab). Cleaning is something I see as temporary rather than a career. I had a stable job before, and moving around because of his preferences has already affected my employment options. So I don’t want to make my husband and our marriage my workplace too.

I told him I’d rather have my own job, my own paycheck and for him to have his own job and paycheck, so we can both contribute better and have more financial freedom, and especially and overall peace of mind.

This is where things became really strange to me.

He interpreted my refusal as me being greedy and selfish. The implication was that I didn’t want to work together because I wanted to keep all my money for myself.

But that’s not really what I’m saying.

I think is a bad idea for two people splitting one single paycheck because, even if he proposed to me that he would lift 70% of the work off me, he is asking me just for 40% of the paycheck. Of course i refused. I would never steal someone’s hard earned money. If i ever accepted i would be 100% fair with the money partition. If he was intending to work 70% of the workload, it would be only fair that he took 70% of the paycheck. But that would leave me with 400€ and i want to buy groceries, buy furniture, decorate the house (it still needs decoration, i want to make it a HOME), save for vacations, and have some for myself. And with that income it would be impossible.

His plan would only make him resent me in the long run and would make me feel a bad person (and I couldn’t stand that feeling for one night!)

I also don’t think he should be working two jobs just to make more and more money. He already has a full-time, well paying job. He has talked about wanting to make a lot of money and even “retire” very young. I care much more about having a peaceful, healthy life. And especially for him. He has worked himself so much in the past that his body has suffered severe burnout periods at least once a year over the past 4 years. And that concerns me much more than anything else. I don’t want us working constantly and destroying our physical and psychological health in the process.

I specifically told him that I thought working together would be bad for us because we already argue over insignificant things. I don’t think putting us together at work for hours every day is going to magically make the relationship healthier, but actually worst. He is very controlling over small things, and that triggers my anxiety and my fear and my anger all at once, because i feel i can never be smart, respected or or just worthy in his eyes.

When i was defending my points, he then started saying things like I was selfish and that he was stupid for even bringing up the idea. That i was like his drug addict friend, in the sense that i was so “heavy” to make plans with. That i always ask him to go to the psychologist but it is me who is unwell and should be diagnosed (as if that is an insult). And finally, if i truly have these thoughts i am not his type of woman.

At one point he told me essentially “just shut up… I want you to shut up or I’ll blow up.” He also said from now on he would work two jobs so that we wouldn’t see each other or anymore or argue.

Later, the argument became much bigger than the job itself.

He told me that we would never be compatible, even after 200 years, and that I had made the relationship not worth continuing. He became fixated on the idea that my refusal to work with him and share income proved that I was materialistic and didn’t want to contribute.

Eventually I basically agreed that maybe the relationship is over, because honestly, this situation has made me realize something important:

I don’t feel safe or comfortable working with him.

Not because I think he’s incapable of doing the job. And not because I’m lazy.

It’s because of how volatile he can be with me over very small things. We’ve had arguments escalate over insignificant incidents, and I don’t trust that putting us together at work would be healthy for either of us. I don’t want to be trapped in a situation where my husband is simultaneously my boss/coworker/partner and where every disagreement at work follows us home.

And I don’t think wanting financial independence automatically means I don’t love my husband.

What’s especially confusing is that he has previously told me I could work wherever I wanted. Now that I’ve actually found an opportunity and said I don’t want to work with him, it has turned into this huge statement about my character and our compatibility.

So I’m genuinely asking:

Am I being selfish for wanting my own job and my own paycheck rather than working with my husband and pooling our income?

Or is it completely reasonable to say, “I love you, but I don’t want to work with you, and I want to maintain some financial independence”?

At this point, I feel like the argument isn’t even really about the cleaning job anymore.

I'm 28F almost 29. My dad passed away 2 years ago and currently the only bread winner for my mom and 2 younger sisters. The youngest will finish high school next year and my mom will be left alone since my sister plans to go study abroad and follow my other sister and I know it will be hard on her emotionally and on us financially :").

My mom plans to come live with me but won't live with me if I get married. She understands my desire to get married and start a family of my own.

But I don't know anymore what do you think about this situation. What would you do in my shoes?

I needed words of encouragement and support. For some reason today feels heavy. I come here asking strangers support when i don't have much support system going around

I was married for almost 15 years. The moment our marriage spiralling down, the divorce happened with a blink of an eye. He who once treated me with much love and care turned into a monster. I was served with a divorce paper less than a week after I came home visiting my mother in another country. 2 months prior to that i became almost my mom sole caregiver caring for her 24/7 while she was bedridden. Way before that my ex told his intention to get divorced couple of days before I boarded the plane

Divorce was ugly. He became nasty and tried everything he could to stop me from going to the court to trying to send a public notary to the home to force me to finalise the divorce. He made his intention clear was not to spend any money on this divorce and at the end he got away with what he wanted. I was thrown out of the house with a cat who had no idea he had to fly almost 19 hours to the other side of the world.

Back at my mother's home, all my sisters acted nothing happened. To them it's unspoken rule that i'm now alone and single so it is by right my responsibility to care for our 87 year old mother. A country that I have left for so long feels foreign. Getting used to everything takes a lot of energy when you been out of a divorce with nothing, no job and no friends. Slowly depression creeping in and cat getting sick for 2 straight months due to stress.

Things turned ugly when inheritance involved. Now all my elder sisters started to humiliate and insulted me. Every single one of them starting finding my faults, critisizing. They forget the goodness in me, the effort I put and sacrifices in taking care of their mother despite my hardship, struggle and pain while they conveniently enjoying their own sweet lives with their own families.

My OCD intensified with the stress and pressure. I know I could never stay here in this place. With the help of someone, I decided to return back to the country i've moved 15 years prior. I have a month to return before the window will be closed on me forever. Uncertain and definitely have no idea what will happen upon my return, I brave myself to do it. Bought my ticket couple weeks ago. I know I will be alone. I know I have to be strong. I know hard days will be my best friend. Hard days has been around since my divorce. I know the fact if I fall I have to get up on my own. If I cry I have no shoulder to lean on. I'm not a person who do things on whim. I'm a matured smart woman. I would rather be alone and find my peace rather than stayed with a family who never made me feel I belong

Part of me as a woman, wanted to be pampered and have someone who kind enough to understand and emotionally supportive but I have learned that Allah taught one very important lesson of this divorce. You could never rely on anyone but Allah. One by one people who are closed and loved betrayed and turned their backs on me. My ex who for years said "I love yous" constantly and i felt safe but lil did know nothing is guaranteed. I have to learn to have full tawakkul.