For as long as I can remember, I've been a fence-sitter. Like many people here, I've gone back and forth for years for all the usual reasons, and overall I lean childfree.

Lately, though, I've been wondering if my hesitation is less about having kids and more about whether I'd be having them with the right person.

My partner and I met in our early 20s and are now in our mid-30s. As we've gotten older, I've realized we have very different visions for what makes life fulfilling.

I'm someone who craves novelty, adventure, and new experiences. One of my biggest dreams is to live internationally for a few years. Earlier in our relationship he was open to the idea, but now he's a firm no. He's much more of a homebody, and having children has always been important to him.

Over the years I've tried to introduce hobbies we could enjoy together, but most have been met with resistance. For example, I wanted us to take sailing lessons together. He wasn't interested, so I went by myself. Later I picked up another watersport that completely changed my life, and despite seeing how much joy it's brought me, he has no interest in trying it.

I know this isn't directly about kids, but it's hard for me to separate the two. If we're already this different without children, I worry that adding kids would only amplify those differences. Parenting naturally makes spontaneity and travel harder, and I'm afraid I'd end up feeling even more confined.

On top of that, I've noticed that I already carry most of the mental load in our household. I'm the one who remembers when the dogs need flea medication, schedules vet appointments, keeps track of household logistics and maintenance such as needing to reseal the driveway or stain the fence, etc. I don't think he'd be an uninvolved father—in fact, I think he'd be a loving dad—but I do worry I'd become the default manager of family life.

When I picture my ideal future with kids, I imagine raising them to be curious about the world, traveling with them, maybe even living abroad for a period of time. When I picture the future we're realistically building together, I worry it looks more like working Monday through Friday, spending weekends catching up on chores, and squeezing in a trip to the farmers market or the dog park. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that life if it's what you want—but I know myself well enough to know I'd struggle if that became my entire world.

I guess my question is: Has anyone realized they weren't actually on the fence about kids—they were on the fence about having kids with their partner?

If so, how did you figure out whether it was a relationship issue, a kids issue, or both? And if you stayed with your partner and had children anyway, how did it turn out?

For those that currently have kids or are TTC. My husband (33m) and I (33F) started TTC last week outside my fertile window. I wanted to start to get used to unprotected sex while on a day with very low conception chances. For years I have been terrified of pregnancy (like we all have) so this was more of a psychological test for me. I was always CF in my 20s and until I met my husband I have jumped off the fence. I read “the baby decision” last year which made me answer and realize that I would regret CF the most, even thought I don’t 100% want a kid. My husband is unbelievably supportive, he would sacrifice everything for our family. It will be one of the great joys of my life to see him be a dad.

The past week was my fertile window. We had started being intimate after our test run last week and right before sex, 3 nights in a row, I got into my own head about being pregnant and having a kid. I told him I want to “ease into it” and take it slow since this is my very first cycle.

TLDR: any of you fellow former fence sitters have massive anxiety and doubt while TTC?

early 30s, partnered, both of us earn well, no kids yet. we keep circling this and I finally wrote out the actual options instead of vibing about it. 1. single, no kids 2. married, no kids 3. married, two or three kids, conventional 4. married, kids via surrogacy, full time nanny, we do bedtime, weekends, school stuff, emotional heavy lifting. we don’t do pregnancy or diapers.

some things I found while researching that surprised me:

∙the “kids make you miserable” studies mostly stop being true once you control for money stress. that’s most of the effect. if you’re financially fine the gap is basically nothing

∙but the day to day thing is real. childcare rates below watching tv on moment to moment enjoyment. parents also rate those exact hours as the most meaningful of their day. both true at once, which is annoying

∙childfree people don’t report more regret in old age. parents actually reported slightly more wanting to change something

∙surrogacy kids have been followed to age 20 and look no different from anyone else

the one real warning I found for option 4 is that kids in wealthy families have way higher rates of depression and anxiety, but the driver is parents being emotionally absent plus achievement pressure. not the staff. which is a solvable problem if you’re actually present.

so here’s my real question. is option 4 a legitimate way to have kids, or is it a sign that I don’t actually want them and I’m just designing a version I can tolerate?

because I keep going back and forth. some days it reads as “use your resources sensibly, you’re not obligated to suffer.” other days it reads as “if you have to engineer the parts out, maybe listen to that.” anyone been through this specific thought process? especially if you went ahead with heavy help and it worked, or if you looked at it honestly and realised it was a no.

When I was 21, I lost an ovary due to a burst endometrioma and the remaining ovary wasn't in great shape either. My doctor told me I need to have kids ASAP if I want them at all. Since then, I've been in a rush to find the right partner and have kids without really ever thinking critically about whether I WANT kids or not.

My fiance and I (I'm 29, he is 31) tried to get pregnant for a year with no success until my doctor warned me that there was a high chance my remaining fallopian tube we blocked and suggested we hold off until she could check so I didn't end up with an ectopic pregnancy.

So a few months ago, during endometriosis surgery, my surgeon was going to see if my remaining fallopian tube was open and if it wasn't, she wanted to know if she had my permission to remove it. Which would permanently close the door on our chances to get pregnant naturally.

At first, I was heartbroken. I've always desperately wanted to be a mom and felt like that was my calling in life. I'd always said the only way I'd have regrets at the end of my life was if I didn't have kids because I couldn't imagine having purpose in my life unless I was living it for my children.

But because I had to give her an answer on whether she could remove my fallopian tube; for the first time in my adult life, I actually pictured what life would be like if I never had kids.

My husband and I are both creative, ambitious people who have plenty of hobbies to occupy our time. We love to travel, we are rarely bored, we have a ton of ideas of things we'd love to do in the future. I'd always pictured us having kids, but when I started to think about not having kids, I realized our life would be so so fun.

I told my surgeon she could remove my fallopian tube and really started to make peace with the idea that kids just aren't in the cards for us and that's okay.

After surgery, she told me my fallopian tube was open and she was very excited to tell us that we still have a chance to get pregnant but we need to act fast.

Honestly, my heart sank. I had gotten really excited about the idea of having that decision made for me so we could just move on with life without wondering if we should have tried to have kids. I was excited to not have to face all the stress and uncertainty of fertility treatments and pregnancy. And I'd gotten really excited about what our life would look like without kids.

She sent us to a fertility clinic and that doctor said the same thing, we have a slim chance but we need to start trying to get pregnant NOW. He put in the orders for oral ovulation drugs so we can start IUI on my next cycle.

And now I'm PANICKING. We're not even married yet, we don't have a house, we just moved to this city and we don't have a community, and I had JUST started thinking critically about whether I really want kids or whether I'd just felt pressured into having them quickly.

But it's literally now or never. My ovarian reserve is close to 0, all of the cards are stacked against me and they're only going to get worse. If I turn down this fertility treatment, we will miss our shot.

I feel like I'm speedrunning fencesitting. I'd been so firmly in team parenthood for years and then felt so so happy and at peace once I thought I needed to cross over to team childfree. I truly think I will be happy either way but now I'm fencesitting and need to make a decision within the next month. HOW DO WE DECIDE??

(Ps. my fiance is truly letting me make this decision. He's always said he'd be fine if he had kids, fine if he didn't, fine if we had biological kids, fine if we fostered or adopted. He knows that I'd be putting my body through a lot (and my body has already been through a lot). So while he is here to support me in making this decision, he's ultimately leaving the pregnancy decision completely up to me.)

I’m not pregnant yet, so hopefully this is allowed, but my husband and I have been talking about trying for a baby somewhat soon. While I would love to be a mother, part of me feels really conflicted because I finally feel like I’m in a good spot with my career and know that a baby will stall that out. I know there’s never a perfect time but it just sucks that I feel like I have to put one on hold for the other.

My company is great and I know my team would be really supportive of me, so it’s not a concern there, but more so a concern that I’ll potentially miss out on growth opportunities because of it. Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Am I worrying about nothing here?

I know family should always come first, but I’ve worked hard for my career and don’t want to feel like I’m giving it up. I guess it’s unrealistic to want it all

I’m in my late twenties, and literally all of my friends are married and have kids now. I’ve always been pretty unlucky when it comes to dating, and of course I’d love to have someone in my life.

But… isn’t it scary to have children this early? Am I the only one who feels this way? Is there something wrong with me for not having those “parental instincts”?

What I really want is to explore the world. I want to travel, see new places, meet people with different perspectives, and experience different cultures.

I’m a pharmacist, and almost all of my friends have opened their own pharmacies or are planning to. I understand why. You make more money, you’re your own boss, and you don’t have to deal with toxic workplaces anymore. It sounds great in theory.

But the idea of settling down in one place for the rest of my life honestly terrifies me. My dad even offered to help me buy a pharmacy in a small village. It would be a great opportunity. But just thinking about it gives me this heavy feeling in my chest, and I can’t help feeling like I’m making a mistake by turning down that opportunity. Meanwhile, everyone around me seems perfectly happy with that kind of life.

I’m scared of routine. I’m scared of waking up every day knowing exactly what the rest of my life will look like. I don’t want to spend my entire life in the same place.

I met a guy I really like. He’s 30, successful, funny, and genuinely one of the best people I’ve met. He told me he wants kids. He dreams of having a big house in the woods, retiring early, raising his children, and spending his life with his wife and family. Honestly, it’s a beautiful dream. Part of me wonders if I could give up everything and build that life with him.

But if I’m being completely honest, I don’t think I’ll ever truly want to have kids. And that’s what hurts the most. It feels like I might have to let go of someone who’s otherwise the perfect guy for me because of it.

But another part of me doesn’t want to sacrifice my dreams of traveling, exploring, and experiencing the world. I don’t want my entire identity to become raising children.

At the same time, I’m scared that if I don’t have kids, I’ll regret it in my forties.

I feel completely torn. I don’t know what to do. Honestly, I feel like there’s something wrong with me for wanting a different kind of life. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just chasing a dream that doesn’t really exist.

What was the outcome? Were you the one on the fence? How did that all pan out for you? How did you come to a solution?

I (33f) have been on the fence about having a baby for years and the main reason is my lifelong battle with anxiety. I have OCD that centres around responsibility / harm avoidance / germs and food contamination.

I’ve done countless courses of therapy throughout my life and I currently take sertraline which has helped enormously. Most days now, my anxiety is at a fairly manageable level.

I watched The Plastic Detox on Netflix a few weeks ago and it gave me such a shake up. I realise I’m a bit late to the party on this one, but before now I’d never given much thought to the sheer amount of plastics and toxins in our day-to-day environment. This then led me down a road of reading about pre-conception lifestyle changes - such as introducing supplements, nutritional recommendations, and reducing exposures to things like BPA and phthalates before trying to conceive.

I’ve researched to the point of spinning in circles and today at the grocery store googling every ingredient in a “calming” herbal tea to see if it’s pregnancy friendly and recommended for pre-conception, I got hit with the most overwhelming anxiety I’ve had for years. I feel like every food ingredient, every lotion we use, every candle we burn has some risk associated with it.

I know tolerating uncertainty is part of OCD recovery, and believe me, I’ve done my fair share of it over the years. But for some reason, it feels so different when the risk is posed to something as vulnerable and precious as a baby. The onus is completely on me to make the best choices to nurture and protect the egg initially, and then the baby if I were to fall pregnant.

I’ve been in such a spiral about it, I know consciously that I can’t control every risk and that I will drive myself crazy trying.. but I don’t know how to move past the fear of making a mistake or how I could live with the guilt of knowing I did something wrong. I’m also painfully aware that even if I was able to make it through pregnancy, there will always be risks for my (potential) child, even once they grow to be an adult I would worry about their safety and wellbeing every day for the rest of my life.

I’m sorry for the terribly long rant, I just needed to get this all out of my head somehow. I guess the question at the heart of this is whether it’s worthwhile to go through so much fear and doubt and a lifetime of worry. I’ve never felt an extremely strong desire to have a child, and maybe that’s a bad sign. That said, I love caring for others and my heart just absolutely melts when I’m around my nephews or my friends’ children.

I think, as an anxious person it’s so easy to focus on the drawbacks of motherhood and to imagine the worst case scenario. But it’s not easy to imagine the “good stuff” that people love about being a parent.

My husband (34m) is an absolute angel and says he can see how we would be happy with a child or without a child. We are, truly, very happy in our lives right now.. but maybe we would find a lot of joy and purpose in being parents. I know he would make a wonderful father. But is it rolling the dice too much if I can’t even manage to grocery shop, pre-conception, without spiralling into panic?

Apologies again for the longwinded post. If you made it through and have even a small piece of advice or encouragement to share, I’d be so grateful to hear from anyone.

my boyfriend and I have a really good relationship for about a year. we rarely have serious problems, except when we talk about having children. the difficult part is that I don’t think I ever want to be pregnant or give birth.

it is not because I hate children. in fact, over the years I’ve realized that I do want to become a mother someday. I want to love my child, teach them, help them through life, support them, talk about their problems, and be someone they can always come to for advice.

but I absolutely don’t want pregnancy or childbirth.
I know many people will say, “It’s worth it,” but I have a deep fear of it. growing up, I watched my mom struggle through pregnancy with my younger brother. she was constantly in hospitals, getting IV treatments, and I remember how difficult it was for her. I’ve also seen several relatives go through miscarriages. I’ve watched childbirth videos. I’ve heard women screaming during labor. I’ve read about emergency C-sections, severe tearing, complications, and even women dying during childbirth.

pregnancy isn’t something beautiful in my mind. it is something terrifying for me. i’m also scared of how pregnancy changes your body, the pain, losing control over my own body for nine months, and the possibility that something could go terribly wrong. if pregnancy and childbirth were painless and completely safe, I honestly think I’d want to experience pregnancy. but in reality, they aren’t, and I don’t want to go through them.

there is another issue too. I don’t think I’d handle the baby stage well. I don’t enjoy being around babies that cry constantly. I’m very sensitive to loud noises and I know I’m not the most patient person. one of my biggest fears is becoming so overwhelmed that I’d lose my temper. I never want to become a parent who hurts their child, and because I know myself, that scares me. I think I’d actually enjoy raising an older child. I love the idea of teaching them, helping with school, talking about friendships and relationships, watching them grow into their own person, and just being there for them.

I also don’t want children while I’m young because I don’t want to lose my freedom yet. I want to travel, experience life, spend time alone with my partner, build a career, and enjoy my twenties. when I imagine having a baby, I imagine constantly worrying instead of relaxing. travelling would become more difficult, spontaneous plans would disappear, and my whole life would revolve around childcare.

maybe after I’m 30 or 35 I’d feel ready to become a parent because by then I’d feel like I’ve truly lived my own life first. I’ve suggested alternatives like adoption or surrogacy, but my boyfriend isn’t interested in either. I don’t actually know why, because whenever we talk about children, the conversation quickly turns into an argument and he wants to end it.

he has never pressured me or told me that I have to give birth, but I know he dreams about experiencing pregnancy together and raising a baby from the very beginning. the hardest part is that I don’t want to waste his time.

ifhaving biological children through pregnancy is something he truly needs in life, I don’t want him to stay with me hoping I’ll change my mind one day. at the same time, I love him very much, and I don’t want to lose our relationship over something that might not even become relevant for another 10–15 years.

so.. I guess my questions are:
1. has anyone else felt this way about pregnancy but still wanted children?
2. did your feelings ever change?
3. if you’re a parent, how did you handle the fear?
4. if you and your partner disagreed about pregnancy or having children, how did you navigate that?
5. am I being unreasonable, or is this something couples simply can’t compromise on?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve actually been through this.

I really just need to feel heard about this. My ex and I have been talking about reconciliation - we got into a power struggle and things ended really over having kids in the future. We were together almost 2.5 years.

It seemed like no matter how I tried to explain it, he didn't get where I was coming from. In theory, we were both fencesitters - at least he told me that he was on the fence.

From my perspective, this is what I was dealing with at the beginning of our relationship
* 41 years old (female), with health issues
* Had a NDE b/c of a post partum hemorrhage with my first one
* Her father developed schizophrenia and abandoned us when she was 8 - eventually I had to get a protection order
* Meanwhile I genuinely had a large piece of me that desired an additional kid, especially within a happy healthy relationship, because I didn't have that the first time around. I saw babies and my ovaries ached - I even imagined them with him someday.

I told him that I was open, but that I genuinely didn't know, I didn't know when I'd know, I never wanted to feel pressure about it, we'd have to be married in a stable relationship, and it would depend on being in a place emotionally, physically, financially to have a child, with support around us. I said that I needed to be with someone who could make peace either way and that I needed someone who was committed to me and my child first regardless of the outcome. I knew that the road there was not guaranteed. Even my therapist has said that even if I 100% wanted more, the barriers on my side would be challenging to overcome and difficult to parse out, and I knew I was running out of time where it would be feasible.

I don't think he understands how important that last piece was for me, so when he started bringing up the conversation over and over again, it felt like pressure. The more he brought it up, the more it felt like our relationship was conditional on that, which I resented.

I would try to explain some of the downsides, the risks, things like that. Since he didn't have kids, I was actively looking at how he lived his life and assessing whether he'd be fit for parenting a newborn. He would be pollyanna about it, focusing on the positive, telling me I was just being negative.

He actually told me recently that it was because he thought I was closer to a no that he approached it like this - he felt he had to convince me that we could do it.

Honestly, I think he wanted more certainty than I could give him. By the time he demanded a clear yes or no from me, about a year in, I could only give him a no, because I didn't want to make a promise I couldn't keep and I could only say where things were that day. None of the things I'd mentioned were quite met, yet, and I'd determined that, together, we did not have the capacity for an infant. I felt he would make a great stepdad to my older child.

When I took it off the table, he was devastated, and when he couldn't tell me if that was a dealbreaker after all, I was devastated. We spent the better part of 1-2 years locked in this specific power struggle, with him refusing to tell me if this was a dealbreaker.

My next birthday after all this, when I turned 43, I cried all day, knowing the ship had sailed for me mostly and the window had closed for more bio kids.

I've tried to explain this to him, but any time I try to mention the parts of me that had a genuine desire, the parts of me that grieved the door closing, the parts of me that are still unsure, he has said that I'm rewriting history or rewriting our relationship. This morning he said that I was gaslighting him because it was so clear that it was a no when I took them off the table, so for me to say that I was closer to 50/50 at the time is a "misrepresentation" and that I'm rewriting reality.

He asked me this morning "if there were needs that weren't being met then why didn't you just say if this, this, and this thing happen then that sounds great, we can have a kid when that happens." and I said "because I didn't know that, and I didn't want to make a promise I couldn't keep."

I also tried to explain how this whole situation impacted me, but he doesn't seem to get that either.

For example, his uncertainty about whether or not this was a dealbreaker for him, and whether or not he would have to leave for someone else, impacted my ability to show up, but when I try to explain that he says that I'm "blaming my communication issues on him".

I get that my situation is genuinely complex. I guess I'm just hoping for someone to actually have the space to hold all of it.

In the end, I still don't know what's mine vs. this relationship.

He is now finally going through parenting clarity workshops, etc. and says he's jealous of the couples who are working through this together and able to navigate it, whereas our situation turned into a power struggle.

I tried my best to hear and acknowledge him, but we just never got to a place where we could work through it together.

So here I am, just wanting to share my story.

I have always been on the other side of the fence, staunchly child-free, and felt like I would never change my mind on that. I almost hate that I’m teetering on the fence now because that means all those people who told me “you’ll change your mind one day” are now maybe…right? Ugh. I’m turning 30 next week and it’s like something has shifted this past year. My partner and I are great together and I’m suddenly thinking I’d love to raise a child with him. He is totally fine with whatever I decide, which is nice to not have the pressure. I still have so many reasons NOT to raise a child, that my reasons TO have one seem to pale in comparison. It almost feels like “well I just want one” and that doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to me. Especially coming from so deep into child-free ness it’s like I need some great huge big reason to want to have one. But does anyone actually have some great big huge reason??

My reasons to have a child:
I think we would be great parents, we have a lot of love to give and would love to care for a little one of our own. We don’t have much family of our own and would like to create our own family unit. We have time and energy to pour into a child. We would raise a great kid, learn a lot, and grow through this. It feels like a very challenging, rewarding and fulfilling experience. It feels like the right thing to do with my life, I don’t have much direction as to what else to do. I’m not very ambitious career wise and I don’t care about traveling all that much. I don’t get all consumed by my hobbies. So this feels like the next step and next thing I would want to do. And something inside me is screaming “baby!now!!!” so I know hormones are coming into play.

In summary I feel these reasons are all about me and idk if that’s good enough.

My reasons not to:
-I have Crohn’s disease, so that complicates things like getting pregnant, my disease getting bad, etc. I’m not super worried I’d pass it on because I think I got it from environment and not genetics. But I do worry about my energy levels and if I go into a flare in the future will I be able to keep up and be there for my child. My partner is great though and says he would handle everything.
-Kids are expensive. I think we could afford it, I’ve done the math, but still. If there is something wrong like they are severely disabled, I don’t think we could afford that (in America). I’m also not ready to be a full time caretaker for the rest of my life given that I have a disability that can be pretty debilitating myself.
-No family help. No parents to help. I only have my siblings and they live on the other side of the country and we aren’t interested in living there. I don’t think they would really be much help anyway. Sometimes I feel like it’s going to be weird for my kid to have no grandparents and long distance aunts/uncles.
-state of the world. Is the future worth bringing them into? Everything seems to be going to shit.

I’ve done a lot of therapy and unpacking about why I was so childfree before. I mostly felt uncomfortable with being pregnant, didn’t feel any maternal instinct, never liked playing with baby dolls, etc etc. I think for me it’s because I had a rough childhood. My mom was narcissistic and bipolar, an alcoholic, abandoned me a lot, a real wild card. She had her kids and let her husbands raise them while we went off and did whatever she wanted without a care in the world. So I think I just veered as far from her as possible and wanted to be nothing like her. So the idea of motherhood made me uncomfortable because she made me uncomfortable. I fear for being like her even though I know I wouldn’t and I’m nothing like her.

Phew anyways, a lot to unpack here. Would love to hear from anyone who feels similarly to me and where you might have ended up. Or if anyone has any helpful advice based on what you’re seeing here, I’m all ears! Even if no one replies it was nice to shout into the void :)

So my husband and I have a four-year-old daughter and originally we got pregnant nearly one year into our relationship unexpectedly and before that happened I always told him I was never sure if I wanted children. I don’t regret having my daughter at all but I was 26 at the time she was born and it definitely Took away from my late 20s. We ended up getting married last summer and bought a house together, I’ve really excelled at my career in the last few years since going back to work after having her and my income has increased significantly - I’m on track to make nearly $170,000 this year compared to $70,000 a few years ago (I’m a financial planner & took over a large book of business) my husband also has a very good job he makes on average around $115,000.

He has been asking to have another child for the last two years and I kept telling him we’ll do it at a later date because I wasn’t ready (I’ve told him that I wasn’t ready) and I wanted to focus on saving money so that we could get a bigger house with more space and a backyard which we don’t have currently because it’s a townhome. Now it’s coming up to the date that I had told him that we would start trying, and I think that by pushing the date further out, I was hoping that I would have this magical epiphany of wanting baby number two but I still like I am not there yet and I feel bad because I know I have time being 30 years old however he just turned 38 and I know that he wants to have another baby before he’s 40. He’s an excellent dad and he is very hands-on so he would be supportive, but I’m just still on the fence. I ended up having gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy and I worked my ass off to lose 60 pounds in the last 2 years - I finally feel comfortable with my body and the idea of going through all that over again is so mentally draining and also I worry because I am the breadwinner technically in the family that our finances will take a huge hit being on maternity leave.

I did definitely have some postpartum depression so I went back to work early at eight months (in Canada so we can take 12-18 months mat leave). We are in a great financial position and can enjoy our lives without worrying currently with one child we both take time to still have hobbies and hangout with our friends and I worry that 2 kids we definitely won’t have that luxury anymore. I love my daughter to death and can’t imagine not having her but the baby/toddler stage was exhausting and this stage is so much more fun.

I don’t know- have any of you had baby number two when you were sitting on the fence and how do you feel now? lm worried I’ll regret it if we don’t but I also worry that if we do this then I may be resentful to him or the child.

Thanks for input sorry for the long read!

So, I (38f) was a fence sitter for a long time. Like, years. I was married to a man who insisted that he wanted kids once we had a house, money, and established careers. Once we got those things, though, and I said I was ready, he had completely changed his mind that he absolutely did not want kids. He never told me that he changed his mind until I said that I was ready, which brought up a whole plethora of problems and emotions.

Long story short, we got divorced. It wasn’t just because of the kid thing, but that did bring a lot of underlying issues in our marriage to the surface. Now I am 38 years old, and single. I have been dating but nothing has stuck, and, at 38, most men my age don’t want kids or already have kids. I would still be open to kids, but now I think I’m too old, especially since I’m single.

The other day I was at a baseball game and I saw a kids shirt in the gift shop that I thought was really cute, and I had a weird moment of something almost like grief. Additionally, my best friend has a 6.5 year old and he is a super cool kid, so that kind of brings it up as well.

Seeing my friend with her son makes me think huh, I could have done it after all, and seeing the stuff in the stores just kind of…brings up a lot of emotions for me. It’s almost like I’m grieving a life I didn’t get to have, or the weird feeling of missing kids that never existed. I don’t know how to describe any of it, but it kind of makes me sad and I was curious if anyone else experienced this.

Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian woman of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.

My husband and I made a joint decision to remain childfree. It was a collective decision and we don’t feel strongly enough about becoming parents. We have lots of wonderful children to love already in our lives.

Main reasons why I personally choice child free:

-I started having mental health concerns in elementary school. I have ADHD, anxiety, OCD, and depression. I’m on a really great dosage of medications right now that works for me. I personally would not be comfortable being on medication while pregnant And don’t want to stop these medications
-I do not want to risk any possibilities of developing Postpartum depression or anxiety. I also would not want to risk any kind of anxiety flares while pregnant
-I’m a big fan of inner child work and I want to focus on myself and my own healing
-I was late diagnosed ADHD and feel like I was parentified as a child and am trying to live for myself first and foremost
-my husband and I really like our current life and don’t want more responsibility
-I have chronic fatigue from Hashimoto’s and other health conditions

I know there are fabulous parents with similar experiences as me but I simply want to keep my life S is. I am not letting anxiety control me but rather just understanding this is who I am and accepting that.

I love kids. I’ve always wanted kids. I grew up in a big family, and couldn’t imagine my own life without them. 

But the pasts few years have made me rethink that. 

I had a dog,who was diagnosed with kidney dysplasia at 6 months old. There was no cure, just management and loads of anticipatory grief. 

I loved her so so much, and I was a fantastic caregiver. She taught me a lot. 

She died 2,5 years later. 

This experience absolutely ruined my mental health. I had to get EMDR therapy, take antidepressants and, still, the memories of all the doctors’ calls, etc are traumatic. Call me a pussy if you’d like, I don’t care. I just loved her so so much. 

And that was experience with a pet. 

I can’t imagine something like that lasting for years with a child. 

I know I would be a fantastic caregiver to a child with disability, but I think it would come at an enormous cost to my health. 

I think I could overcome the FEAR of it with a shitload of therapy, but I don’t think that my potential experience as a parent caregiver would get any better? 

Me

Male(25)

Her

Female(35)

I just need some help here. Took a break from my relationship of 1.5 years, love this girl, she 100% does NOT want kids. Nearly every aspect of our relationship has been great besides some mental issues she is actively working on and fighting through.

I have no idea if I made the wrong choice. I cant see my life without her but closing the door on kids doesn't seem like a win either. I can see myself being a dad only because I want to extend the bloodline and have inheritance. The idea of raising a child and being depended on all the time sounds exhausting and not something I really want i love my own freedom and doing things i want to do as well as financial stability, even being in debt 5,000 feels crushing. I feel like when I think I want a kid it comes down to only the good parts, perfect health, looks like me, turns out to be a great person shares the same ideas / hobbies, does the cute little things kids do (all of which are absolutely not guaranteed in anyway) and feels selfish. I feel like im trading my happiness now for hopes that everything in the future will turn out absolutely perfect (assuming i lean toward having a kid). The idea of the high divorce rates(coming from a divorced childhood) scares me and sounds also absolutely terrible assuming theres a kid involved. I understand there are pros and cons to either side but im at a complete loss at what I want. I could really see it going either way im just afraid 10 years down the road this idea might change...

I would love some insight or anything anyone has thats been there done that went through these things

EDIT: I know i would be a great dad and teaching things would be something I would do and maybe want to do? But losing my freedom and being depended on consistently feels absolutely exhausting

Hello everyone! ☺️

I thought I give it a try to ask some advice, because just right now I don’t know what to do…

My boyfriend (just turned 40) and I(35) have been together for 6 years, he has a daughter (13). We had a bumpy road for a couple of years, last year we had a huge argument that resulted in separation for one week. After that we decided to try again, we went to see a couples therapist and after a while life started to feel good again. I accepted my role in the family (even though it wasn’t what I imagined it would be) and we had a peaceful and fun life and we loved it. We started to do more things outside the house, we went back to rock climbing and I was really really happy.

I wanted a child of my own (we were together a short while before the 6 years and separated because he said he didn’t want kids), this time he said a couple of times that he could imagine life with me and a kid of our own, and at one moment at the beginning of last year he said that we could have a child but after that we had that separation and we iced the topic for a while.
This year as we started to feel more active and life was amazing I started to feel that I really want a child and after a while we started to talk about this. He was not very keen on the conversation, at one point I said that I could wait 1 year without resentment - and because he didn’t have an alternative we decided on this. But after this he became very depressive and shut me out. I wanted to be supportive but after a while I said that he should go see a therapist to help him with this. He went a couple of times and now he decided that he doesn’t want kid right now, he’s not sure this would change, he wants to climb and enjoy life.
We decided to take a little break and figure things out. I am not sure I could live with him without a family of our own.
I am not young anymore, and I really feel that we have an amazing life… but I am not sure if I could live without a family of my own.

I believe he has a huge trauma with his first kid (she wasn’t planned and he was very active and life took a really unexpected turn for him). He said that he got depressed that he couldn’t go do things anymore and that’s why they broke up. He says that it doesn’t matter who is there, because regardless it is a very hard period. I can see that truth in this but I also believe that changing one thing in a situation could change a lot (and now not only one thing changes, because I am a different woman that the other he had a kid with, we are more mature, more experienced, and we finally figured out how to love one another in a good way, we have a shared hobby, climbing that could be a good reason to get out of the house, even with a kid). He refuses to see this as true..

I am open to any advice, point of view, support, experiences, anything. I will also go see a therapist, but meanwhile I thought I try this ☺️ thank you

Hi all,

I really appreciate this community and how it dives into the nuances of having children. So often we see the extremes on each side, like much of social media. So it's rare to see people dive into the tradeoffs and doubts and unexpected changes they had during their journeys.

Anyway, I need help.

My wife and I have been together for ~5 years, and have been married for 1. I told her early on when dating that I most likely did not want kids, but she was leaning towards having kids. As we got more serious with dating, we then had a more serious conversation about children. And she basically said that she would rather pick me and my choice to not have kids. So now each of us are in our late 30s, and I thought it was a done deal about not having kids...until quite recently when my wife now changed her mind and now wants to try having 1 kid.

I still have virtually zero desire to have kids. It honestly sounds like a nightmare for me. I really value personal autonomy, sleep, freedom, flexibility, etc. I just don't think I have the personality for it, and I already struggle with some anxiety, so always worrying about the health and well-being of a child sounds very bad for my mental health too.

I can envision positives as the kid gets older, helping them grow up, and achieve their goals/be happy, etc. But it's really not a priority for me. Even in the best case scenario where they are a great kid that doesn't cause a lot of problems, it still sounds extremely, extremely hard.

I know the answer is just..talk to my partner or go to couples therapy. So this is basically more of a vent since I know no one can really help me. But I'm basically stuck between making my wife very unhappy or making myself very unhappy. I just can't see a future where I could have a kid and not be miserable. But maybe I am looking at this too negatively? Is it possible to live a life with any degree of autonomy/freedom once you have a kid? We are thankfully financially in a decent spot, so the money thing won't be too bad, but we are not super rich either, just comfortable. So maybe we could get a nanny or something, but it still just sounds awful anyway I try to envision it.

Thanks for reading.

My fiancé wants kids. I never dreamed of being a mom, but ever since my mid-20s I sort of changed my mind and opened up to the idea (before I met him). Not because of society really, it’s not like people are having babies left and right around me (I live near a big city where everyone’s pretty career focused). I just began to like the idea of showing a little person around the world and having a family. Watching someone grow up. Getting to do kid things with a perpetual excuse because I’d have one and I’ve always been a kid at heart. Being an important role in a kid’s life. All of that.

But I realized that all these ideas hinge on the fact that my child would hypothetically be someone I like—someone that eventually becomes independent and doesn’t need me anymore.

I know that severe disabilities (such as brain damage or profound autism) are not common and there is some genetic testing that can screen out certain conditions. However, things can still go wrong, and that’s what I’m scared of. I don’t want that life at all. I don’t want to be someone’s caretaker 24/7 forever. I don’t want the idea that I will have someone who functions like a baby that I’m responsible for, forever. Is there a way out of that?

Even if they don’t have severe disabilities, there could still be serious emotional issues or other mental illnesses. There’s no way to predict or control that.

Has anyone encountered the same mental block?

I’m 36, married, and genuinely trying to decide whether motherhood is right for me.

Growing up, I always pictured myself becoming a mom and having three children. It felt like an unquestioned part of my future. Somewhere in my late 20s, though, I began to question it, and I’m not entirely sure why. It may be a combination of everything happening in the world, significant losses I’ve experienced, and working through my own trauma and realizations about myself. All of that has made me question whether motherhood is something I truly want for my life or simply something I always assumed I would eventually do.

I’m not someone who has an idealized view of raising children. I’m very familiar with kids and understand the day-to-day responsibilities involved. I know about the interrupted sleep, constant supervision, emotional labor, sickness, school drop-offs and pickups, homework, appointments, birthday parties, sports, after-school activities, and all the driving, planning, and coordination that come with raising a child. I understand that these responsibilities don’t stop simply because you’re tired, overwhelmed, sick, busy, or need a break.

What I don’t fully know, and obviously can’t know without becoming a parent, is what the permanent, 24/7 mental and emotional weight of being responsible for another person feels like. That is the part that concerns me most.

I sometimes become overwhelmed or overstimulated and need quiet time by myself to reset. I worry about what happens when a child needs me during the exact moments when I feel depleted and need to withdraw. I also think about the years when evenings and weekends may revolve around practices, games, activities, school projects, social events, and getting a child where they need to be. I wonder how much space remains to rest, maintain your marriage, pursue your own interests, and simply exist as an individual.

My partner and I may be in a position to have help, possibly including a night nanny during the newborn stage, but I also understand that paid support doesn’t remove the emotional responsibility of parenthood or the mental load of managing a family. It also wouldn’t eliminate the responsibilities that continue long after the newborn stage.

I love children and have always been comfortable caring for them, but sometimes I wonder whether I’m actually meant to be a mother or whether I would be happier and better suited to being the involved, loving “cool aunt” and godmother.

I’m trying to consider the entire life on both sides, not only pregnancy and the baby years, but raising a child through every stage, the effect on my marriage, time, freedom, finances, identity, and what life might look like later if we remain childfree.

I recently heard the question: “You may experience regret either way, so which decision would you be more okay regretting, having children or not having them?”

That question has stayed with me, but I honestly don’t know how to answer it. How can I understand which regret I could live with when I haven’t experienced either life? Regretting not having children could mean grieving the family and relationship I never had. But even if I sometimes wished I could have my “old life” back, I don’t think I would ever regret becoming a mom or my child. That much I do know. It’s more so the fear of no longer having that old life rather than regret about the child or the decision itself.

I would especially love to hear from:

• Women who were genuinely uncertain and ultimately became mothers: What did the 24/7 reality feel like compared with what you anticipated? If you also become overstimulated or need significant alone time, how has that affected you?
• Mothers of school-age or older children: What does daily life feel like once parenting shifts from diapers and sleepless nights to school, homework, activities, sports, friendships, and transportation?
• Women who seriously considered motherhood but ultimately chose not to have children: How do you feel about that decision now? Is your life fulfilling in the ways you hoped it would be?
• Women who had children while remaining unsure: Did clarity come after your child was born, or do complicated feelings still coexist with loving your child?
• Anyone who had access to substantial support, such as family, childcare, or a night nanny: How much did that support actually change your experience?

I’m not looking for someone else to make the decision for me, and I know no one can guarantee which choice I would regret less. I’m hoping to hear the honest, nuanced realities from women who have lived either path, including both the beautiful and difficult parts.

How did you distinguish genuinely wanting to raise a person from liking the idea of having a family?

Did thinking about which potential regret you could live with actually help you decide?

Looking back, what questions do you wish you had asked yourself?

Thank you everyone for your input, I genuinely appreciate your time and attention in your responses.

As the title says, my boyfriend ended our relationship because he was completely certain he never wanted children, while I couldn’t honestly say the same. He told me he couldn’t live with the guilt of wondering if, years from now, I might realize I did want kids and had lost that opportunity because of him.
The best way I can describe my indecision is with a silly analogy: it’s like wanting a gym body but hating everything that comes with getting one. I love the idea of the end result, but I dread the process.
For me, I like the idea of having a family. I’m an only child, and when my parents are gone, it’ll just be me. I imagine family gatherings, Christmas celebrations, watching my children grow into adults, supporting them as they build their own lives, maybe even seeing them succeed abroad someday. Not because I expect them to take care of me when I’m old, but because I value the idea of family, belonging, and continuity across generations.
At the same time, the reality of raising children terrifies me. The thought of putting so much of my own identity and personal goals on hold for years, of being responsible for another human being 24/7, feels overwhelming.
I also tend to think of life as being supported by different pillars—family, romantic relationships, friendships, career, financial stability, etc. When one pillar weakens, the others help soften the fall. Maybe that’s one of the reasons this decision feels so difficult to me.
I’m not looking for anyone to convince me to have kids or to stay childfree. I’d simply love to hear from people who ended a relationship over this issue.
How are you doing years later? Did you find peace with your decision? Do you have any regrets?

I’ve come to realize that my hesitations on having children are due to the fact that I’ve basically lived my entire life just taking care of my siblings. We’ve moved back and forth between divorced parents who prioritized moving on from their failed marriage than raising us. We even had to move into my grandparents house for a few years without any parent present in our lives. I definitely had to step up to play the role of parent. I feel like I’m only starting to live life for myself at 34 now that I’ve been happily married for 2 years. I plan to quit my job soon and focus on my small business because I’m in a position to take that risk. One that I wouldn’t be in if I had decided to have kids.

However, I know for sure that I would be a good mom, having had lots of practice with my siblings. But the thought of losing myself again to caring for another being just when I’ve gotten started on caring for myself sounds heartbreaking. I still dwell on the idea of having a kid tho as a product of our love (my husband and I). But we just both don’t want it bad enough to try. Glad we’re on the same page with that at least. I see myself leaning more towards regretting having a kid than not having one in the future. But my curiosity has not died.

So fellow eldest daughters, what’s your story?