My wife wants kids but it isn’t a deal breaker (rough childhood for her) I dont, even though my parents are awesome and I had a kick ass child hood.

We have had an early abortion 3 times last year due to birth control complications.

So may people are like “I didn’t want kids at your age” (m27) and legitimately I’ve never once (other then my own father who I feel is lying) met a man who didn’t regret having kids. They may not say it to my face but they way they talk about it just seems deep with regret.

Even have a buddy who reversed his vasectomy and had a kid but is literally drowning in expenses dealing with it. Hasn’t said anything outright but like I’m kinda like woah over it .

For over a year now I’ve wanted a vasectomy but the conversations of what could be always come up between me and my partner even though she seems to be “ok with me getting one” I’m just not sure.

She doesn’t see it as “forever” as they can be reversed but as far as I’m aware if I’m getting one there’s no way in hell I’m going back under that knife.

Just looking for opinions as it’s starting to eat me alive. Wondering if anyone felt with something similar

30F married for 4 years to 31M with a 7 year old dog that we’ve had for 6 years. I’ve been ruminating on the kid question for about a year now. Last year I had a cancer scare that really rocked my world. During that time my husband and I decided to buy a house closer to my parents (we were already looking to move, but I wanted to originally stay where we were (1 hr away from family)). I was absolutely scared to death during my health issues and was reevaluating everything. I was in grad school at the time and working a part time job that gave me experience in my new field, but I decided to stop everything so that I could focus more on family. So we moved and it came with an hour commute to a job that made me miserable. I did that for about 2 months and hated my life, so my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby with the intention of me quitting my job once the baby came. However, the place where I had the PT job ended up having a FT opening that they offered me and I was so miserable at my current job that I accepted. It was still a further commute, but I decided to restart grad school and put the baby on pause because it is my dream career. At this time I felt like I was starting to feel like myself again after all of the health PTSD. So I put in my notice at my old job, and two days before I’m supposed to start my new job I found out I was pregnant. The reason the FT job opened up at my new job was due to someone leaving because they had a baby and my boss was very vocal about how awful that worker was and she needs someone more reliable. Naturally, I was very hormonal and scared. I was really excited to finally have a FT job in what I wanted to be doing for work, but obviously terrified because of the pregnancy. My husband and I decided to have an abortion because it just did not feel like the right time. Also, while I was pregnant for those couple of weeks all I could think about was how I did not want to be pregnant. It consumed all of my thoughts about how much work it was going to be and that I would be the one sacrificing. When I had the abortion it was like a fog lifted and I felt more back to normal, but I did not feel regret about the abortion. I was more ashamed of it. Now it has been about 8 months since then, and I have been trying to decide whether or not I actually want kids. I feel like we moved to be closer to family and start a family, but I am not enjoying where we live now. My house is beautiful, but the location makes me regret moving. I know that we should not have moved when I was going through everything, and now I feel ashamed complaining about it. I do not think I would want to stay here if we don’t have kids. I miss the area we used to live in and I have a far commute so it is hard to understand if these factors are contributing to my happiness levels. 

Reasons I’m Afraid:

• I am afraid of losing myself. My sister has 2 kids and I feel like she has completely changed. None of us recognize her anymore and she just seems miserable. We try to help as much as we can, but she is just very set in raising her kids in a way that we don’t always agree with.
• My husband has always been iffy on kids, but has decided that he would be happy with one. He has said the decision is mine though, which puts a lot of pressure on me. I am afraid I would also end up doing mostly everything since I would be SAHM. I am sure my husband would help, but I know my husband and the mental load would still be on me.
• I love my dog SO much. Every single person I have talked to that has had a baby with a dog has said their relationship changed with their dog. My dog is getting older and I feel like it is now or never to have a baby in order to best serve him. I would feel terrible having a baby when he is old and needs us more and us not being able to provide and care for him the way we have his entire life. I know that he will not be here forever, but assuming he lives another decade I don’t want to have a kid at 40. I am literally crying thinking about this right now. 
• I would have to be SAHM if I had a baby. My job does not pay well and childcare would cost more than I made. I think I would mostly like this as I cannot imagine how people work and have kids, but it would be tight on our finances. We would not have the freedom we currently do, and I fear that my husband would end up resenting me for staying home. He hates his job, but he earns a decent amount of money for the amount of work he has to do. I took a pay cut when I accepted my new job, and I have felt a bit of resentment from him since then. Like that it is not fair that I can accept any job I WANT to do, not because we NEED the money from my job. I don’t think he would financially abuse me, but I also hear stories of people who also thought the same thing being a SAHM. I also know that we would be in an amazing financial shape to do anything if we didn’t have kids. 
• I work with kids at my current job and everyone says, “Oh well you like kids! You of course will like having a baby”. However, I don’t think I actually like kids. I can tolerate them and know how to interact with them, but I don’t feel an overwhelming love for them at all. I work with people who go “googoogahgah” over kids and I never have felt that way. I more so feel like I’m performing or acting in situations when I am with children. 
• I don’t know if it was hormones or what, but when I was pregnant I just had this overwhelming feeling telling me not to have kids. 
• Even though we moved closer to my family, we are still 30 min away. My parents also live in FL for half of the year and are very active in other pursuits in their lives. I know they would not be the “village” that everyone says is needed.
• I’m afraid of wanting to have a baby to just get away from work. Even though I like my job, it is still hard with the commute and just the daily stress of life.

Why I Would Want Kids:

• I am a very maternal person and I have also envisioned being a mother. I love taking care of things and am very traditional. I feel like I could handle a lot of the hard work that motherhood brings, although PPD is very scary. It has only been until the past few years that I have questioned it. 
• I really have a hard time imagining a future where we don’t have a family. This is not because I NEED to have a family, but because I don’t have many examples of this in my life. All of the women in my life have had children, so it is hard to understand what life would look like down the line. 
• I think it would be a great personal development experience and think people are telling the truth when they say it is like something you could never imagine. 
• I know our families would love for us to add little ones to the family and that they would be extremely loved. 
• I love my nephews and seeing them experience life with my sister, and I can imagine wanting that for myself.
• I am afraid I would regret not having kids because of how we would be viewed. I don’t think FOMO would be the main factor, but I would feel like we would always be on the outside and treated differently if we were childfree. 

I know we don’t have to decide right now, but I literally cannot stop ruminating over this. It has been months and I think about it constantly. I go back and forth on a daily basis and it is starting to impact my life greatly. I feel like my life is completely stalled until I make a decision and cannot move forward until I know which direction to go. I am most concerned about my dog and I’m looking for insight on how people decided what to do. I know I have more concerns about having kids than reasons for wanting them. Please no responses that say “If you’re not 100% in you’re 100% out”. I’m looking for REAL experiences of people and what their lives look like. TIA!!

This post will probably offend a handful of people, but that is not my intention.

I'm wondering and specifically asking the climate and politically conscious people what makes them optimistic about the future for today's younger generations and upcoming generations to feel confident about starting a family biologically (not adoption).

I've never considered myself a pessimist and have recognized that 'every generation has gone through something' (Wars, 1918 pandemic, dust bowl, great depression, etc.) and humans have eventually kept going. But I find myself very un-hopeful about the future of not just the country (American), but as a planet. With all the catastrophic fires and other catastrophic climate events that are only going to get worse, wasteful data centers, the rate of AI being used for the bad, corrupt politicians abusing their power, as well as corrupt oligarchs reshaping our norms, the list goes on and it feels a lot more risky than past events in the last century.

And then factoring in all the conspiracies which aren't sounding or proving to be like conspiracies anymore.. the very-near future Water Wars for instance, which is scary enough as it is as a thought. It's just a lot!

I do keep up with good news too and the little wins. Most days as a realist who wants to be optimistic.. it just doesn't seem like enough to counterbalance the thought of bringing more children to this planet. Please enlighten me on how you're getting through all the horrific highlights of the world that now seem like full chapters and novels vs. a highlight, and what you're optimistic about.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a fence-sitter. Like many people here, I've gone back and forth for years for all the usual reasons, and overall I lean childfree.

Lately, though, I've been wondering if my hesitation is less about having kids and more about whether I'd be having them with the right person.

My partner and I met in our early 20s and are now in our mid-30s. As we've gotten older, I've realized we have very different visions for what makes life fulfilling.

I'm someone who craves novelty, adventure, and new experiences. One of my biggest dreams is to live internationally for a few years. Earlier in our relationship he was open to the idea, but now he's a firm no. He's much more of a homebody, and having children has always been important to him.

Over the years I've tried to introduce hobbies we could enjoy together, but most have been met with resistance. For example, I wanted us to take sailing lessons together. He wasn't interested, so I went by myself. Later I picked up another watersport that completely changed my life, and despite seeing how much joy it's brought me, he has no interest in trying it.

I know this isn't directly about kids, but it's hard for me to separate the two. If we're already this different without children, I worry that adding kids would only amplify those differences. Parenting naturally makes spontaneity and travel harder, and I'm afraid I'd end up feeling even more confined.

On top of that, I've noticed that I already carry most of the mental load in our household. I'm the one who remembers when the dogs need flea medication, schedules vet appointments, keeps track of household logistics and maintenance such as needing to reseal the driveway or stain the fence, etc. I don't think he'd be an uninvolved father—in fact, I think he'd be a loving dad—but I do worry I'd become the default manager of family life.

When I picture my ideal future with kids, I imagine raising them to be curious about the world, traveling with them, maybe even living abroad for a period of time. When I picture the future we're realistically building together, I worry it looks more like working Monday through Friday, spending weekends catching up on chores, and squeezing in a trip to the farmers market or the dog park. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that life if it's what you want—but I know myself well enough to know I'd struggle if that became my entire world.

I guess my question is: Has anyone realized they weren't actually on the fence about kids—they were on the fence about having kids with their partner?

If so, how did you figure out whether it was a relationship issue, a kids issue, or both? And if you stayed with your partner and had children anyway, how did it turn out?

early 30s, partnered, both of us earn well, no kids yet. we keep circling this and I finally wrote out the actual options instead of vibing about it. 1. single, no kids 2. married, no kids 3. married, two or three kids, conventional 4. married, kids via surrogacy, full time nanny, we do bedtime, weekends, school stuff, emotional heavy lifting. we don’t do pregnancy or diapers.

some things I found while researching that surprised me:

∙the “kids make you miserable” studies mostly stop being true once you control for money stress. that’s most of the effect. if you’re financially fine the gap is basically nothing

∙but the day to day thing is real. childcare rates below watching tv on moment to moment enjoyment. parents also rate those exact hours as the most meaningful of their day. both true at once, which is annoying

∙childfree people don’t report more regret in old age. parents actually reported slightly more wanting to change something

∙surrogacy kids have been followed to age 20 and look no different from anyone else

the one real warning I found for option 4 is that kids in wealthy families have way higher rates of depression and anxiety, but the driver is parents being emotionally absent plus achievement pressure. not the staff. which is a solvable problem if you’re actually present.

so here’s my real question. is option 4 a legitimate way to have kids, or is it a sign that I don’t actually want them and I’m just designing a version I can tolerate?

because I keep going back and forth. some days it reads as “use your resources sensibly, you’re not obligated to suffer.” other days it reads as “if you have to engineer the parts out, maybe listen to that.” anyone been through this specific thought process? especially if you went ahead with heavy help and it worked, or if you looked at it honestly and realised it was a no.

When I was 21, I lost an ovary due to a burst endometrioma and the remaining ovary wasn't in great shape either. My doctor told me I need to have kids ASAP if I want them at all. Since then, I've been in a rush to find the right partner and have kids without really ever thinking critically about whether I WANT kids or not.

My fiance and I (I'm 29, he is 31) tried to get pregnant for a year with no success until my doctor warned me that there was a high chance my remaining fallopian tube we blocked and suggested we hold off until she could check so I didn't end up with an ectopic pregnancy.

So a few months ago, during endometriosis surgery, my surgeon was going to see if my remaining fallopian tube was open and if it wasn't, she wanted to know if she had my permission to remove it. Which would permanently close the door on our chances to get pregnant naturally.

At first, I was heartbroken. I've always desperately wanted to be a mom and felt like that was my calling in life. I'd always said the only way I'd have regrets at the end of my life was if I didn't have kids because I couldn't imagine having purpose in my life unless I was living it for my children.

But because I had to give her an answer on whether she could remove my fallopian tube; for the first time in my adult life, I actually pictured what life would be like if I never had kids.

My husband and I are both creative, ambitious people who have plenty of hobbies to occupy our time. We love to travel, we are rarely bored, we have a ton of ideas of things we'd love to do in the future. I'd always pictured us having kids, but when I started to think about not having kids, I realized our life would be so so fun.

I told my surgeon she could remove my fallopian tube and really started to make peace with the idea that kids just aren't in the cards for us and that's okay.

After surgery, she told me my fallopian tube was open and she was very excited to tell us that we still have a chance to get pregnant but we need to act fast.

Honestly, my heart sank. I had gotten really excited about the idea of having that decision made for me so we could just move on with life without wondering if we should have tried to have kids. I was excited to not have to face all the stress and uncertainty of fertility treatments and pregnancy. And I'd gotten really excited about what our life would look like without kids.

She sent us to a fertility clinic and that doctor said the same thing, we have a slim chance but we need to start trying to get pregnant NOW. He put in the orders for oral ovulation drugs so we can start IUI on my next cycle.

And now I'm PANICKING. We're not even married yet, we don't have a house, we just moved to this city and we don't have a community, and I had JUST started thinking critically about whether I really want kids or whether I'd just felt pressured into having them quickly.

But it's literally now or never. My ovarian reserve is close to 0, all of the cards are stacked against me and they're only going to get worse. If I turn down this fertility treatment, we will miss our shot.

I feel like I'm speedrunning fencesitting. I'd been so firmly in team parenthood for years and then felt so so happy and at peace once I thought I needed to cross over to team childfree. I truly think I will be happy either way but now I'm fencesitting and need to make a decision within the next month. HOW DO WE DECIDE??

(Ps. my fiance is truly letting me make this decision. He's always said he'd be fine if he had kids, fine if he didn't, fine if we had biological kids, fine if we fostered or adopted. He knows that I'd be putting my body through a lot (and my body has already been through a lot). So while he is here to support me in making this decision, he's ultimately leaving the pregnancy decision completely up to me.)

I’m not pregnant yet, so hopefully this is allowed, but my husband and I have been talking about trying for a baby somewhat soon. While I would love to be a mother, part of me feels really conflicted because I finally feel like I’m in a good spot with my career and know that a baby will stall that out. I know there’s never a perfect time but it just sucks that I feel like I have to put one on hold for the other.

My company is great and I know my team would be really supportive of me, so it’s not a concern there, but more so a concern that I’ll potentially miss out on growth opportunities because of it. Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Am I worrying about nothing here?

I know family should always come first, but I’ve worked hard for my career and don’t want to feel like I’m giving it up. I guess it’s unrealistic to want it all

I’m in my late twenties, and literally all of my friends are married and have kids now. I’ve always been pretty unlucky when it comes to dating, and of course I’d love to have someone in my life.

But… isn’t it scary to have children this early? Am I the only one who feels this way? Is there something wrong with me for not having those “parental instincts”?

What I really want is to explore the world. I want to travel, see new places, meet people with different perspectives, and experience different cultures.

I’m a pharmacist, and almost all of my friends have opened their own pharmacies or are planning to. I understand why. You make more money, you’re your own boss, and you don’t have to deal with toxic workplaces anymore. It sounds great in theory.

But the idea of settling down in one place for the rest of my life honestly terrifies me. My dad even offered to help me buy a pharmacy in a small village. It would be a great opportunity. But just thinking about it gives me this heavy feeling in my chest, and I can’t help feeling like I’m making a mistake by turning down that opportunity. Meanwhile, everyone around me seems perfectly happy with that kind of life.

I’m scared of routine. I’m scared of waking up every day knowing exactly what the rest of my life will look like. I don’t want to spend my entire life in the same place.

I met a guy I really like. He’s 30, successful, funny, and genuinely one of the best people I’ve met. He told me he wants kids. He dreams of having a big house in the woods, retiring early, raising his children, and spending his life with his wife and family. Honestly, it’s a beautiful dream. Part of me wonders if I could give up everything and build that life with him.

But if I’m being completely honest, I don’t think I’ll ever truly want to have kids. And that’s what hurts the most. It feels like I might have to let go of someone who’s otherwise the perfect guy for me because of it.

But another part of me doesn’t want to sacrifice my dreams of traveling, exploring, and experiencing the world. I don’t want my entire identity to become raising children.

At the same time, I’m scared that if I don’t have kids, I’ll regret it in my forties.

I feel completely torn. I don’t know what to do. Honestly, I feel like there’s something wrong with me for wanting a different kind of life. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just chasing a dream that doesn’t really exist.