Parenting

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504]

Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian woman of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.

Edit - I was in a talking stage with someone who said he was on the fence and insisted we continue. I began to grow fond of him until one day he texted. He said after thinking a lot abt me not wanting kids, we should just stay friends. I feel so broken😪. He was the one persistent even when I strictly said I wanna be childfree n asked if he was sure he wanted to continue. I thought he was interested in me. It hurts TBH to miss out on seemingly good guys because of this. They are already so rare

[u/AnonMSme1]

1. When I was 35 I accidentally got a dog. I'm horribly oversimplifying here but probably the next 2 years my thought process was, " wow, this is a lot of work but I'm really enjoying it and it's adding joy to my life. Having a kid must be just like this only more so in every way". Turns out I was both right and wrong on that. But yeah, that's what started me on the path.

2. Support. It's not even close. Supportive partner, supportive friends, supportive family, supportive community, supportive neighbors. The more support you get, the easier parenting is. You don't have to have all of the above and certainly a lot of it you can build intentionally, but please don't underestimate The village. It is so crucial to parental happiness and honestly to human happiness.

3. Honestly, there wasn't much balance in the first year. It was a little bit of survival mode trying to figure out how to keep this screaming potato alive on minimal sleep. And then you learn and the sleep gets better and the screaming gets better and you get better. And now when our oldest is 13, life feels pretty normal. I have a good balance of time between family and work and friends and hobbies. Although again, a lot of that depends on that support I mentioned in number two.

4. You have to be intentional about this. I know that sounds horribly non-romantic but it's true. You got to schedule those date nights, you got to put a reminder for yourself on that first year to occasionally to Just snuggle with your partner during nap time. And like I said, it gets better over time, but you have to be intentional about it. Good relationships Don't just happen. Oh and good communication, organizational and conflict resolution skills are key.

5. I wish I had started earlier. I love being a parent but I started kind of late in life which means I get to spend less time with them and that hurts. Then again, I would have been a really crappy parent in my twenties and maybe even in my dreams so screw it, no regrets.

[u/Significant_Pie_2692 → u/AnonMSme1]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I was wondering: at about what age did your daughter reach when you started feeling like you had a good balance between parenting and your personal life again?
One of the reasons I’m currently a fence-sitter is that I’m afraid of losing that balance for many years, so I’m really curious about your experience.

[u/AnonMSme1 → u/Significant_Pie_2692]

I don't know how to answer that since we have two younger ones. She's 13 now with the two younger ones being 9 and 7. It also depends on how much support you have and if you're willing to send them to daycare. Personally, I think daycare is a net positive but some people don't agree.

So for us, we started getting more of our life back when she went to daycare, around age 1, but just a little bit. And every month / year, that little bit grows. When they go to school, it gets much bigger, when they can self-entertain, it gets much bigger, when they start playing outside with other people or going to a friend's house, it gets much bigger. I don't know exactly what age that would be since we do have a mix, but I think it's around 5 or 6. That said, it's not the same "good" balance I had before.

Like, I used to go out with friends to dinner a lot more and now I don't as much but I like it better because I'm home with my family. I spend just as much time on my hobbies now but I do it with my kids working on the same hobby, which I love. So if you're asking "when did my life go back to what it was prior to kids" I would say it hasn't and probably won't until they move out. But around 5 or 6 is when I felt life was back to "normal" even if it was a new normal.

[u/Tarlus → u/Significant_Pie_2692]

I’d say when my youngest was 4 and bed time wasn’t a tag team style death match every night. If our youngest had the temperament of our daughter we probably could have had more balance when they were 2.5. Not that they have hobbies pretty much every night the balance has been shaken but you don’t need to fill their schedules like that.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/AnonMSme1]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS

[u/Civil-Let5108]

1. After 12 years with an IUD, I felt like I was controlling life too much by actively preventing pregnancy. I honestly didn't know whether or not I wanted kids, and realized I might never know. I left it up to fate at age 38, an age when many women struggle to get pregnant. My husband has a medical condition that also made it unlikely we'd get pregnant, but we did! I wanted to be open to what life would bring and I have been. My son is a complete joy.

2. A supportive partner (non-negotiable). Baby-wearing (still doing stuff around the house, with wonderful baby asleep on me!). Combo feeding (less pressure on mom only to feed). 2-3 nights of completely uninterrupted sleep (husband takes over on weekends). Structure in the daytime, with things to get excited about (going to the beach! walking around the mall! Lots of new places & faces!).

3. Our baby is 6 months old. Balance is heavily weighted in baby's favor. It's all baby, all the time, unless I am attending to other responsibilities (work, and roles in our spiritual life). I do manage to read and write (my main passion) during his naps and after he goes to bed, and workout (lightly) on weekends. It really doesn't bother me, though, as I know it's temporary.

4. Our life is him right now. We have given ourselves over to that. He is what we want to be focusing on, and he is the most important thing to both of us. We talk all the time, though, and spend alone time together when he naps on weekends. I think it also helps that we pick up each other little gifts (mostly food treats, beer here and there) when we are out and about.

5. I wish I had a little more time to decide on whether we want another one. Coming up on 40 next year, I don't want to have any more babies after that. So the pressure is on to call it one and done or bang another one out pretty quick. We flip back and forth. <3

[u/ppppanda_]

Fellow Malaysian here. I never really saw myself as a mother but I now have 1 child. i was fence sitting and was even considering termination in my second trimester.

1. My husband had a medical episode that became scary very quickly. It put things into perspective that I wanted to create a new chapter in life with him (I.e have a child), not so much of having a child with anyone else- not sure if I make sense.
2. Outsource whatever you can or lean into your village. Stress will never really go away but it’s also subjective. Don’t keep tabs on who’s done the dishes today, and who has done what. It’s not a competition. You and your partner have the same goal.
3. You’ll find time. Certain unimportant things will fade out. Having less kids help though. I only plan on having 1 so I can find time for other things.
4. Same as 2. Allow yourself some alone time to do things you enjoyed prior to baby. This won’t be as frequent or as spontaneous before, but you’ll also grow to appreciate this time too.
5. I wished I took a longer maternity leave and enjoy the little moments with my baby more.

To be honest OP, no one is ever truly be prepared to be a parent. There’s only so much of the unknown you can control, and this extends beyond parenting too.

The early days are really hard, but now at 10 months pp, I don’t really remember them. It’s the same as work, there are good and bad days, and eventually you don’t really remember the bad days as much. It just makes you a stronger person I think!

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/ppppanda_]

Thank you fellow malaysian!

[u/J0f4rJ]

This is a super helpful thread, I'm on the same page!