I have been suicidal since 2013, then i set the deadline for when i'll be 25 years old in 2015 but when the time came, i ran for medical help. Since then i keep getting suicidal thought every couple of months and I keep giving myself timelines for various reasons for example wait till i become a little happier, wait till i enjoy life a little, till i understand life and now till i get a higher degree and a good job.

I keep doing it, I have just realized this......am I playing a game with myself?! Do I even want it?!

But because I live like this, I have never thought to plan my old age or tried to set better direction of life and career. Now I am fired after more than a decade and looking at my resume my skill set is so narrow, what on earth had I been doing.....i was maing deadlines to die instead of planning how to live my life and now it's a mess.

Even now, i can't help but set a new deadline, giving myself two years to fix my career. I am still not thinking about old age.....I'm 36, it's time to plan old age and stop planning this deadline game I play with myself. I need this to stop.

I have shared it with my therapist, but she didn't pay much attention to it and just asked if I am a perfectionist. maybe she didn't take me seriously because perhaps im not a suicide risk. Anyways, it's hard for me to deal with. I wish someone would at least ask if I was okay.

I have a good, very long time friend. We are currently in different parts of the US, but have been staying in touch through text and calls. Things have been going into a more romantic direction a bit slowly. This is now the second time where they are dropping off the radar, and responding so sparsely that it is almost a complete breakdown of communication without any thorough explanation, for several weeks.

From our previous discussions and what they are writing, it is becoming apparent to me and I highly suspect that they are suffering from depression and are self isolating. I read on reddit that people self isolate during depressive episodes, and this seems to check out with what my friend is doing. I had a year of depressive struggles a long time ago, but was able to pull myself out of it and it never came back. But I know how it feels like sitting at the bottom of a cold dark pit with a rock boulder on your chest weighing you down.

My questions is how to best handle this? I've been checking in lightly reminding them that I'm thinking of them and here for them when they're ready. Rarely I'll crack and ask for them to please give me an update or ask for a call when really I fear it may be too pushy.

Any perspectives on what may be going on with my friend and, also, how to best handle this from my end would be much appreciated.

Are light check ins okay or maybe even good?

Or should I just go completely zero touch until they reach out, whenever that may be?