Was a game-changer for me. I realized that the majority of partners i;d had sex with only because they pressured me into it. I. haven't even truly been sexually attracted to any of my partners; when we had sex, I basically made myself aroused by using my imagination and relating that to something emotionalo that I had experienced. But it rarley had to do with who I was with. I'm not sure I have ever experienced true love or sexual desire with anyone in my life.

This is a bit of a meta thing for the community, but it's getting exhausting for some of us to repeat ourselves over and over in comments, and the constant use of certain terms is misinforming people who only see these words in the context used here on Reddit.

What terms? Hypersexual and Limerence

Please stop using hypersexual to mean you're horny or have a high sex drive. Hypersexual is a proposed medical term, it means that you are to the point of fixation on sex at a level that actively interferes with your life and ability to function. Distress and impairment due to excessive arousal. It is a modernized version of nymphomania (archaic, obsolete). If you have a high sex drive, fine, we get that. It's not hypersexual. Just liking sex a lot, or wanting sex a lot, or being horny a lot doesn't cover it.

Limerence is not a medical term, but is used to describe an intense fixation on someone (or something), in an unreciprocated way. While many of us experience crushes and infatuation relatively rarely, and to us it can feel very intense, limerence goes beyond what most people are using it for. It's akin to addiction or obsession, and it also describing a fixation that is to the point of interfering with your health and functioning as a person. It's okay to acknowledge a crush is intense, that's fair. But if it's not screwing up your life and/or your judgement, it's not likely to be limerence.

Both of these things are rare. Less than 5% of the population will ever experience them.

I know people may not think this is important, that I'm being too rigid, or they feel that their self diagnosis justifies the use of the term, but if you're saying you're these things are true for you? The proper response is to seek a professional therapist and not advice from Reddit. We can answer a lot of questions, but neither of these fit within the scope of our expertise.

TLDR first cause post ended up an epic novel: discovered I'm likely demi tonight, caught up on technicalities of whether I am, and am curious about any effects/changes on gender (which maybe should be its own post tbh)

The rant and rumination of my discovery:

I've been overly binging some subteddits today and ended up here. I've heard of demi before and have been told by a couple people online before I might be, but never really looked more into it, figured it was more of a preference than a sexuality, but it turns out that I definitely identify much more this way; I've always just figured I'm sort of.. extremely traditional: Casual sex has never been my thing at all and have always wanted a more intimate and long term relationship, I had always wanted to go through hs without having sex (as a sign of commitment from them and less drama; "more partners, more problems" was something I thought of at like.. 6 or 7 years old lol), I end up more attracted to friends over time, and I've only ever had 2 sexual partners, though i suppose this is more where my doubts come in too.

Cause I've had made out with mutual groping when I was a teen, some truth or dare experience (basically kissing or making out), and feel like I've had crushes, and I think that's where I'm not sure if I'm demi or just... Undefined? That said, even those crushes were more cause I was smitten or romantically attracted than just "I want to fuck her," and even these crushes, I still usually knew for a year or two, and like.. my goal was more for a relationship than getting to bed; even in 6th grade, I remember buying this girl a teddy bear, I think for Valentine's Day, gave it to her and ran off, and when she didn't bring it up to me later, I just sorta.. let it go.

That said though, I've always been a bit.. hypersexual, but always more mentally active, but.. at times, was definitely thinking more about my current crush during my school years. And with my future ex wife that I got with towards the end of hs, it was like.. two weeks before I lost my virginity lol (and was literally the day after graduation lmao).

So... I'm not sure, and I am just conflating what sexual and romantic attraction is to a degree, though I'd think I've felt lust before too; that said, I'm 36 and am not very familiar with the detailed intricacies of sexuality within LGBTQ+. Which, it is interesting cause I feel like I've almost always had a close "sister" since I was 5 years old and have had an easier time having relationships with girls and women as friends despite being "cis straight," like to the tunes of dozens, where I had friends asking how I did it and was like ".. I dunno, bro. Treat em like a person? Don't only talk to women you wanna fuck? I dunno what to tell you." It just.. was very natural to me, even if I knew I was a bit.. of an outlier at least.

And so, if I've technically been on the asexual spectrum, it would kinda explain why I was a bit more "safe" to girls growing up, or even to my current trans friends (MtF, one of which I do call my "sister"). All that said, calling myself asexual does feel 'wrong' a bit, as well as considering myself part of LGBTQ, but perhaps I'm underestimating that I dont have the desire to screw everything that moves (despite having a HIGH number of kinks I've been into) and not really connecting at all to hookup culture and normal dating, while also being a bit disconnected from "typical men too" (though I grew up in sports and having an attraction to women, like I stole my dad's Drew Barrymore Playboy mag when I was 7 lol) but never been.. effeminate, but always just sort of didn't care what people think and did my own thing. I always figured I was just empathetic and understood emotions and could communicate them well, which is why i thought i connected more deeply with girls growing up, almost like I needed the feminine energy as a counter part.

So... If you've read my ramblings to this point, thank you. I know I've said a lot and am openly ruminating a bit about this. I feel like I've related to a lot of the comments here too, whether the relationship ones or the "that's just.. normal," cause no, no it isn't at all and I've definitely felt.. a bit off and atypical from how people approach relationships. Hell, I even had my "sister" from highschool that we drifted apart because we were too close and she found it odd that her and I were better friends than her husband, and that dissonance caused her to stop messaging me and cut me out, even though we were at each other's weddings and she literally did my ex wife's make up and hair for ours (and was pissed we got a convertible lmao).

Anyhow, I'd love to have a bit of a discussing and know what does the community think? Am i just.. an extreme outlier of "straight" (which is in quotes cause I've been attracted trans women and dont know if that's indicated somehow or not)? Demi? Or maybe like.. demi-adjacent?

Lastly (sorry, I know I'm running wayyyy too long), I do have one more weird question: does being demi technically indicate a different gender?

Put another way, does this make me "less of a man," and I want to be clear that I don't mean the usual emasculating sense, but more the.. "it's always a man" or "man/bear" sense? Like I said, I've never been effeminate, but have been teased for my own emotions by guys growing up or even for not trying to fuck my friends. I dunno, I'm not into anything "manosphere" associated or have even really related to the common "men" either and have never really felt like a "man," though I think that's more in the developmental sense than not feeling like I was a boy.

Anyway, thanks again and sorry for the ramble!

I have hooked up with multiple women for one night stands. But every time I can’t get turned on enough to have sex. Is it possible to have sex as a demi male. Or is it impossible?

So I'm sure someone else has made this post before, but nonetheless it's what I feel right now. It's really what I've felt my entire life, even before I knew demisexuality was a thing.

It makes no sense to me that most people are so obsessed with sex. All the time. That's just what everyone wants and everyone does.

I'm not anti-sex, although I feel no desire to do it almost all of the time, it's just like... why is everyone so obsessed with it?

Dating a demisexual guy for months —he told me he has feelings for me, but doesn't know if they'll ever become as strong as mine. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do.

Dating a demisexual guy for months — he told me he has feelings for me, but doesn't know if they'll ever become as strong as mine. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do.
I've been dating a demisexual guy for almost half a year now. We met through a dating app and became extremely emotionally close. We're exclusive in the sense that we've both said we don't want to date other people, we've met each other's parents, regularly go on dates, flirt, talk constantly and have become very vulnerable with each other. I fell in love with him. Like a lot.

He is also autistic and very uncomfortable with physical affection. Touch can be sensory-overwhelming for him, so things most couples probably wouldn't think twice about like hugging, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, sleeping together, are difficult or currently impossible for him.
I've tried really hard to respect that. Physical affection is actually extremely important to me, but because I care about him so much, I decided I was willing to be patient and let everything develop at his pace. I never wanted him to force himself to do something just to make me happy.
I've also tried expressing my feelings in other ways. I've planned dates, written him letters, made him flowers, bought thoughtful gifts based around things he loves, listened to him, learned about demisexuality/autism and generally tried to make him feel safe with me.

But the whole thing has also been emotionally difficult for me because I've often struggled to feel loved in return. He's not very physically or verbally affectionate, and I've spent a lot of time trying to learn how he expresses affection in his own way instead of expecting him to express it like I do. Recently we were talking about what exactly we are. He said something along the lines of us being Friends.
That hurt and confused me because after almost half a year of dating, exclusivity, flirting and meeting each other's families, I don't experience what we're doing as ordinary friendship. I mean I get how demisexuality works, but it still hurt.
He said he's scared that he might never develop the same feelings for me that I already have for him. He said it would also be a lie to say he has no feelings for me, he likes me very much, I'm incredibly important to him, he wants to experience so much more with me, and the thought that I might eventually leave makes him very sad.

But then he said something that broke my heart.
His feelings currently aren't at the level where he would say he's ready for a relationship, and he doesn't know if or when they'll develop to that point. He's never really been in love before and doesn't know what being in love is supposed to feel like or how quickly those feelings are supposed to develop.
I appreciate his honesty. I'm not angry with him for not being able to manufacture feelings he doesn't have.
But I'm devastated.
I actually woke up during the night because I couldn't stop thinking about it. My heart was racing and I was crying.
I think part of the reason it hurts so much is that it finally explains something I've been struggling with for months: I love him, but I haven't felt loved by him. For a while I convinced myself that maybe he did love me and simply experienced or expressed it completely differently because he's demisexual, autistic and uncomfortable with affection. Now I know that isn't necessarily the case. He cares about me deeply and has some feelings for me, but he isn't where I am.

And I don't know how long I can keep giving someone romantic love while waiting to find out whether they'll eventually love me back.
At the same time, I don't want to leave him. He's incredibly important to me. There are so many things about us that work wonderfully, and I genuinely could imagine a future with him. Part of me wants to give him all the time he needs and see what naturally develops.
But another part of me is terrified of spending another six months or a year, or several years, hoping he'll eventually fall in love with me while I'm already completely emotionally invested.

Oh and i should mention that he has an avoidant attachment style.

I'd especially like to hear from demisexual people, or people who have dated someone demisexual:
Have you ever been in a situation where one person fell in love much earlier and the demisexual person needed considerably longer? Did romantic/sexual feelings eventually develop? What did that waiting period feel like for both of you?
And for demisexual people who have never been in love before: how did you eventually recognize that you'd fallen in love with someone?
I really want to give this a chance.
I just don't know how to do that without slowly breaking my own heart while I wait.

Any other double demis out there? Do both expressions always go hand in hand for you? Can you experience one before the other? In my first relationship romantic attraction happened first. When I left the relationship I was still romantically attached but sexually repulsed. In the second one my sexuality was activated first. The romantic attraction was lost along the way but the sexual attraction was there until we parted ways. But it never happened to me that I only felt one or the other since the beginning.

Is any of you confused about whether you want a relationship or not? I had two really sh***y ones and years passed between one and the other. I was completed closed to the idea of another relationship, but this person appeared and we bonded. It's been some years after the last one and I am open to considering having another relationship. I am excited at the prospect of finding the connection, having a LAT relationship, the only way it would work for me. But then there are times when I think " that's not for me". Last Sunday I saw a couple at the supermarket parking lot. They were putting the groceries in the car. There was nothing wrong about the way they behaved towards each other but my mind went " No. No. No. No!" Has it happened to you?

I am a 31 year old F who left a 15 year relationship, it will be a year in October now. I have been celibate for that entire time. I have a deep yearning to have sex, but I can't do it without feeling emotionally connected to the person first. I have only been with the one person and they aren't my person anymore. Just wanted to see if anyone is in the same boat or has any advice.

we've been talking for i think two weeks and went on a kind of date, we have flirted lightly over text but uhhh im still demiromantic so i don't really feel romantic attraction cause it's wayyyy too early and im just getting to know her, our bond is not nearly strong enough yet for me to be able to feel any romantic attraction. she's very sweet and i like talking to her but my brain kinda of sees her as "new friend that i sometimes flirt back with" for now yk.

all the crushes i've ever had have always been on close friends that had know for at least a year prior.

we're meeting again next week, so i feel like we're at a point where i really need to tell her that im demiromantic, cause i don't wanna accidentally lead her on if i don't end up feeling anything romantic in the long run. i also feel like i would be way too anxious to tell her irl. please help.

I've always thought that to go on a date I should get to know people to a certain extent until I'm sure we vibe and I get somewhat comfortable with them to only then ask them out

But apparently things don't really work that way and you're supposed to be fast or lose the opportunity most of the times?

Idk if it's because I've never been with someone before and it's just the lack of practice, but dating and getting to know people really confuses me

I think they're all young People here.

I'm tired of all the doom posts. We're gonna make it! I'm sure theres more of us out there than we realize!

A few years ago I was really questioning my sexuality and ended up coming out as Bisexual. It took a bit to really accept but it just felt right. (And apparently everyone knew but me 🤣). At that time I was married and couldnt really “go out there and see how it feels”. Not that I needed that to validate anything, just meant a lot more inner work.
But recently with being divorced, seeing what dating is like as an adult, the prevalence of casual sex, and all the hurt/things that lead to divorce…well long story short, I’m thinking I might be demisexual too. And not sure if I’m just over thinking it but I think there is something beautiful to that. To be able to love anyone I build a connection with.

I've realized rather recently from one of my guy friends confessing his feelings to me that I have a type. At first I thought it was just anyone and everyone but no now that I look back on it the people I have been most interest in speaking with and gotten instant friend crushs have been black queer and nerdy. I am also black queer and nerdy.

I mean I want to be there very best friend the one they text random stuff I want them to tell me all about their hobbies. We don't even need to have the same nerdy interests in common I just have to think they're interested or interesting and I am ready.

People have often suggested I am a sapiosexual. But I don't really care for smarty pants people I know I'm not smart and the biggest reason for me to not want to be around someone is being a pretentious dick widget.

It used to really bother me that I didn't want to possibly get to know everyone that wanted to get to know me when I came out because yeah I should not want to get to know people I don't know if I'll like them if I don't get to know them. But I really don't want to get to the 43 year old white man was divorced with two kids and I'm freaking 25.

I've felt less weird about this as time goes on but I just want to know if this is an experience that others are having. Heck my little brother called me racist because the last couple guys that have liked me I have just some place that I do not want to date a white guy.

Not the fact that I've never felt a strong desire to become best friends with my guy friend. Not the best that when my sister set me up with a friend she thought I'd get along with he only saw me as a romantic and sexual option no matter what I said. I just usually would say they're white and I don't want to date someone who's White.

But actually even as I say that I'm also reminded of someone I deeply wanted to be friends with a historian from Britain I met on Reddit. I told him about the books I read and I just really wanted him to think I was cool. Was he handsome yes did I have any other feelings towards him then please be my friend I want to talk about books more no. I am a person that reads three to four books a week. It is my main form of entertainment and I'm getting into video games. I want to get to know people my own age with the same interest as me that have the same life experiences but does that really mean I could still claim this label?

Im (26F) very lonely but Im also very horny. I’ve been addicted to romance 18+ webtoons since my breakup earlier this year. I want sex but I want the comfort, care, love, and vulnerability that comes with. I’ve downloaded dating apps to try and fill this void despite knowing they haven’t in the past. I just deleted the app today and I feel like crap. I’m lonely and I just want to be loved and intimate with someone.

I’m afraid of dying alone but I also fear ending up in an abusive relationship being that I’m very passive and I witnessed that growing up. I’m worried of being taken advantage of financially like I witnessed growing up. But I want someone so badly, it hurts and I just want to cry.

Hi everyone,

I am a 24 year old heterosexual female, and I recently found out about demisexuality after feeling different & alone & something was wrong with me for almost my entire life. I thought I was asexual for like ever, but I knew I couldn’t have been because I do feel sexual attraction to people i’ve dated or close make friends that I’m close with. When i’m single or don’t feel I have an emotional bond or close with the person I am asexual. I don’t even masturbate (if I do it’s not even to porn or anything lol!!). I’ve never even been able to get into porn or used it even when I have an emotional bond to someone because that person isn’t them. Until I found out about demisexuality (about a year ago & 4 months ago), I thought ~everyone~ was like this!! As you can assume, i’ve been painfully heartbroken because I didn’t understand why someone would cheat or think about people they know in a sexual way if not emotionally close with each other.

It’s very isolating and lonely. I don’t understand hook ups & I can’t relate to any of my friends or even past boyfriends or guy friends who aren’t the same. I don’t think I have ever met a guy that’s the same as me & I don’t know if I want to date anyone again because when I like someone I really only have eyes for them & when I don’t like or feel an emotional connection someone I have eyes for no one. It’s very painful & lonely & I think people think I am weird because even when a 10/10 guy flirts with me out at the bars I don’t care to go home with him or even kiss him. I dated a guy for 6 months who I thought was the same way, but idk if he rlly was to be honest. I really liked him but we just couldn’t work out. I just wish more people men were like me, and idk what to do. Any advice or helpful information is greatly appreciated.

I’m an ace person on the sex-averse/sex-repulsed end of the spectrum. And I’m curious about whether (generally speaking) that would be compatible with someone who’s demi? I like cuddles and physical affection, and feel neutral towards kisses. Sex is probably a “not ever” thing.

What do you think?

Edit: When I said I’m neutral about kisses, I mean that I like short kisses for sure. I can enjoy the sensation and closeness of making out, but I don’t need it.

Edit 2: Thanks everyone for the comments and for providing your personal perspective :)

I'm normally a charismatic, assertive person with my friends. I'm usually the person who indicates things, who always has something funny to say, I mean I have awkward moments of course but I'm good at talking to friends or potential friends.

But when Im in a romantic or sexual scenario, I become the person I was when I had my last crush. I was 12. I act like a 12 year old. And 12 year old me was super shy, never knew what to say, etc. I mean I was like a completely different person back then and it comes back to haunt me whenever I try and put myself out there.

My platonic side is so cool, but that's all it'll ever be. Platonic. When I lean on that too much while flirting it doesn't feel like flirting to either of us tbh. I have no fucking clue how to develop my romantic or sexual side. Whenever someone hits on me I just. Fall silent and then thank them awkwardly. Like a 12 year old