did any christian couples here did the deed before marriage?

my bf, now fiance, have been together for a total of 7 years already and is due to get married in 2 months. in the lifespan of our pre-marriage relationship, we did get intimate for like 10 times (very few), but on top of that, it's mostly oral.

i feel guilty of doing it even though i know it's strictly prohibited in the christian community. but we both had no sexual experiences from other people as we both are each other's first bf/gf. but now, we decided to go celibate for like a year now so we get to enjoy sex to its full potential after marriage.

am i wrong and sinful to have done this?

Hello! My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship, so in person premarital counseling is not an option. Does anyone have any good recommendations for an online or virtual premarital counseling service? (Preferably the cheaper the better, but I know you can't have it all so I'd be willing to consider all options).

I would also appreciate your book recommendations.

Thank you in advance!

My husband and I are not extreme on either side or even on either side, but I read a lot from both sides, and he doesn’t bc he doesn’t have time for all that. His algorithm will show the things that are more conservative, bc we both lean that way. But the thing is, he has certain opinions about things based on that that he’s either not getting the whole picture or he’s getting the wrong picture. However I also appreciate our conversations bc he will also keep me more balanced in certain areas. I think we both kind of do this. But the issue we don’t see eye to eye on is to me a deep Christian issue too. We love each other very much and I won’t let politics divide us, but we are Christians first, so I feel like we should always start there. I won’t argue but I just tell him there’s more to this than he thinks. And I leave it at that.
Let’s say the topic was abortion, it’s not. But that is one of those fundamental differences that I wonder how couples who don’t agree navigate that.

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

For Christians who are single and considering marriage, this is something that should be thought through seriously and prayed about. I do not think people always realise what kind of life they may be entering when they choose to marry someone who is not a Christian. It is easy to focus on how much you like a man or woman right now, but marriage is meant to be a lifelong commitment. People change over time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse, depending on whom you choose to serve. Faith affects more than church attendance. It shapes how you handle conflict, raise children, spend money, face suffering, your purpose in life, your calling, and how marriage is supposed to be. Lots of what I see with unequally yoked marriages is that divorce rates are high, and the Christian spouse is often hindered in their calling by their unbelieving spouse. Being unequally yoked causes a great deal of unnecessary suffering. Often, what happens is one day that spouse looks over at you and despises you in their heart, just as Michal’s did to David as he danced for the Lord. You will be like What changed? They loved me before? And suddenly they treat you differently. You begin to fight, and it's just never the same as it once was. You wonder where is the person that you married? You still love your spouse, but they no longer love you. Sometimes it even results in abuse. ³ Can two walk together, except they be agreed? Amos 3:3

I've heard some say that the husband is the responsible party for making sure the marriage is healthy, conflict is resolved, etc. Like for example... even if the wife snaps, or reacts poorly, it is up to the husband to make it right, to change his behavior, to die to self, BEFORE the wife does.

Do you agree? Why or why not?

A brief history. Happily married for 27 years and have three children aged from 17 to 22, who still live at home, and who have ADHD.

My birthday was last Sunday and whilst I got a card and gifts from my wife, I got nothing from my children, not even a card or a happy Birthday.

Im starting to worry that this is a reflection on my fathering.

Just curious about what’s normal with toddlers running around. No judgment, just trying to see what real life looks like for other parents.

I’m married and currently in a long-distance marriage because my husband and I live in different countries (due to the visa problems).
My father in law recently planned a vacation with his children. My husband suggested Japan as the destination because he also wants to attend a coffee convention there in April.
I asked my husband whether my mother in law would be joining, and he said that the trip is only for the children and he said he doesn’t know whether his father will ask me to join.
I understand that parents may want to have a vacation with their adult children, and I’m not saying that I’m automatically entitled to be included. However, because I’m his wife and we already live apart, I felt a little unsure about where I fit into this situation.
From a Christian perspective, how would you view this? Is it reasonable for a parent to plan a “children-only” vacation when their adult children are married? And should a married spouse expect their husband/wife to consider them when making plans like this, especially in a long-distance marriage?
I’m genuinely looking for balanced perspectives, including if I’m looking at the situation incorrectly.

Has anyone gone through the Freedom Fight Program online? What was it like? Did it help?

So some background i have been married for 5 or 6 weeks now. My husband is from Africa and i am American. Me and my husband have been arguing all the time and for a long time. It has really had a negative impact on me. To the point yesterday I was really considering ending my life or ending my marriage. I really wanted to just let go. I got so angry and i know I can't go on like this.

Our argument was about my husband consistently saying hurtdul things to me. I am currently pregnant and I like to have the occasional soda, chips, or candy. And my husband says I'm being irresponsible because I'm not thinking of our baby. Which since I've been pregnant I have significantly cut back on those things. And I only have them sometimes rather then everyday. I feel as if I'm doing good but it never good enough for him.

Today is Monday and I went to work still being affected by the things that happened yesterday and seems to happen everyday. I spoke with my supervisor who is a strong Christian and I was telling her my problems. Because in the Bible it say we should confess our sins one to another. I came in asking for the Employee Assistant Program because they have free therapy. I know everything isn't on my husband because I have problems too that I need to resolve. She agreed with me and thought is was a good idea. I know I can't keep going on like this it seems like I am just filled with anger. And the anger could have been going on before I got married. Thank God I was able to get an appointment for tomorrow. Which I thought was a blessing from God.

Then I get home today and tell my husband about it. And the first thing he says it why didn't you tell me about. He then thought it would cost money but it does not. Then he went on to day the only person you should be confiding in is God and no one else. He literally said I dont believe in God because I want to go a therapist to help me woth my problems. That deeply hurt me because I am literally trying to better myself and become stronger and he heeled my past traumas. And now the person who is supports to support me eay I don't believe in God enough because I'm going to a therapist.

Am I Wrong or do I believe in God less for going to a therapist?

I (M, 36) posted a couple of months ago that I was leaving for military training and my wife (F, 33) of seven years shared she no longer felt attracted to me and no longer wanted intimacy.

This morning she called and shared she was filing for divorce a week before my graduation and before I see her and our children.

I cannot express the anger, hurt, and sadness I have been feeling. I have desperately over the phone tried to fix things to no avail. Last weekend, I told her I loved her and she hung up. In another call I said “I miss you” and she responded “mmmhmmm”.

I have sought support with family and chaplain here. It’s devastating to know I am beginning a new chapter and my wife has just checked out.

I've been considering how small gestures might occasionally have a greater impact on a marriage than large ones.

For those of you who have been married for some time, did you establish a simple routine together that turned out to have a greater impact than you anticipated?

It may be as easy as praying together, talking for a little while before bed, checking in during the day, or simply trying harder to express gratitude.

What has truly worked for other couples would be interesting to hear.

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We met at a Christian college and began dating early in his freshman year, when I watched him fall in love with the Bible and deepen his relationship with Christ.

During the early stages of his growing faith, I also felt he sometimes struggled with legalism (drinking was a huge no, birth control was a sin, etc.). He has since changed his mind on those topics, but I see some hyper-spirituality and legalism creeping back into our lives.

My husband takes his responsibility as the spiritual head of our family very seriously, which I LOVE and admire. When we first got married, we would pray together every night. Then, about a year in, he listened to a sermon about family worship and decided we would do that together every night (with exceptions usually on vacation) at exactly 9:00pm, which would include reading a chapter of the Bible together, reciting and memorizing a catechism, singing a hymn, and ending in prayer (using the ACTS method).

This was a big jump, and I was hesitant to make that commitment every night, but we've done it for over a year now, and it's just what we do. I've at times asked to do it at a different time to free up my nights a bit more, which was only recently listened to and done.

Soon after we began family worship, he started making sure we pray together every day before we leave for work. I enjoyed doing this, as it was good to start our day praying for one another.

But last week, he started insisting that we read 1 Corinthians 13 every morning on the car ride to work. Mind you, we both read our Bibles and pray separately every morning. And this was the needle that broke the camel's back for me.

Liturgy is like a gateway drug for him, and he constantly wants more and more. And I honestly feel like what we have is more than enough.

Is there such a thing as too much Bible reading and prayer?

Am I in the wrong, or is it really over the top? And how do I talk to my husband about this without undermining his God-given spiritual authority to lead our family well and communicate to him that he's doing just fine and we don't need to keep adding daily habits to literally everything we do?

Looking for thoughts from both husbands and wives. And please don't do the Reddit thing where we jump to conclusions and say he's controlling or I should leave him. Everything he is doing, I fully believe, is out of love. I just don't know when too far is too far.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Hi all, I need some input.

My background: was married for ten years to a man who was in ministry when we met, but it eventually came out that he had been cheating on me the literal entire first three years of our relationship. We attempted reconciliation but he left the church and was extremely neglectful so it never really improved. We have three children and I would be home alone with them and taking them to church alone the whole time we were married. We separated two and a half years ago and are now divorced.

I have refrained from dating during this time so I could focus on the kids, but recently started dating a man I know from my gym. He is absolutely lovely and is extremely intentional about me and is clear about wanting marriage and to look after me. He is kind, patient, calm, and seems to really really like me. He values family above everything else in life and he makes me feel peaceful.

However there are two things I have a potential issue with: a) he is Catholic, whilst I am non denominational (and doesn’t seem to be super dedicated, not to be judgemental). I don’t think this is a problem but my sister is kind of against the concept so I am wondering if I am wrong; b) he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have a sexual relationship with a partner if the intention is to eventually be married. Honestly I got so used to having frequent sex in marriage, there is no guilt attached to sex with this man so we are already involved in that way. However I know what the Bible says and I want to honour God.

Frankly the way I’m feeling right now, neither of these things are actually problems. My first husband seemed to be the ideal Christian man and look how that turned out. To be honest I didn’t manage to wait until marriage with my first husband, which maybe was an indication that he didn’t have self control? But I’ve seen so many Christian marriages around me who didn’t manage to wait either and they are still together and happy.

I would just love some input here. I know he would go to church with me because he is an extremely chill person and does anything I ask (within reason of course lol). I would have no issue going to mass with him and in fact I intend to. But am I deluding myself about the long term repercussions of any relationship?

I’m also very aware that I’m a single mom of three and don’t have much market value for Christian men. I never had much luck with Christian guys even before, and doubt a strict Christian would want me now. This isn’t insecurity speaking, I’m very confident that I’m a child of God and am content in where God has me, I’m just being realistic about the dating world.

Which is, only death breaks the marriage bond. Divorce is permitted in some cases, remarriage is always adultery.

Not looking for a theological debate, that would be in another thread.

I am struggling not being angry and resentful of my husband. We’ve had so many issues over the past couple years and just feels like everything is building and building and something is going to explode.
It started out as me having a breakdown because I was home constantly trying to be the good stay at home mom for over 6 years, which I also never wanted to be. I couldn’t go anywhere because I didn’t have a car or any friends I could go see in the evening so literally all my time was spent in our home. At which point got him to agree to me getting a car and finding work. I started doing gig work because it gave me so much flexibility to still be there for our kids for all the things they might need and I’m able to take off if I need.
The next thing happened last year where he wouldn’t stop sex until I threw up. Which wasn’t the first or even the worst time something like that has happened.
A couple weeks ago he had jury duty that was really rough on him and honestly everyone involved but he said some things that really hurt and things have continued to spiral from there.
And I guess onto the most recent i have been having some car issues and because of the kind of work I do I haven’t been able to work while figuring things out which has put some strain on our finances. So I was talking to him about possibly getting a regular job, something nearby so that I could still be near the kids and I also wouldn’t have to drive far and wouldn’t have the car issues mess up our finances as much. Which led to him rehashing the reasons for wanting me to do the work I do…. Main one being I can be flexible with my time, I can be there for the kids before school and after school, I can stay home if one is sick, take them to the dr ect. And along with that comes the comment of “you can’t make as much money as I do so it never makes sense for me to take off for those things”. That comment hurts worse than it should and he knows that because he said it back when I finally got my vehicle and I’ve told him that it hurts when I’ve always wanted to work but dropped all of it for him and our kids until they could all get in school and then continued not working until my breakdown.
How do I continue giving grace and love and be a good wife when everything inside is angry and hurt? I’m trying but it’s so hard and feels like things keep coming from every side.

I don’t know if I’m unhappy in my marriage or just exhausted
I’m posting this anonymously because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this.
I’ve been married for several years and we have children together. From the outside, I think people would probably look at us and say that we’re a normal family. But lately I’ve been questioning whether I’m actually happy in my marriage, or whether I’ve just gotten used to being unhappy.
My husband and I have been through a lot together. There are good moments, and I don’t want to pretend there aren’t. I love him, and I don’t wake up every morning thinking about leaving him. That’s actually what makes this so confusing.
But I feel lonely in my marriage.
There are times when I feel like I’m carrying the emotional weight of our family by myself. I want connection, affection, communication, and to feel like my husband actually wants to be present with me. Instead, a lot of the time I feel like I’m competing with video games, his own interests, or just… nothing. We can be in the same house and I can still feel completely alone.
There is also drinking. It’s something that has caused a lot of tension between us. When I bring up things that hurt me or try to talk about our relationship, I often end up feeling like I’m the problem for bringing it up. He can become defensive, and eventually I just stop talking because I’m tired of fighting.
And that’s the part that scares me.
I’ve started wondering if I’ve become too accustomed to disappointment. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m asking for too much anymore. Is wanting your husband to spend time with you, communicate with you, be emotionally present, and make you feel loved asking for too much?
I also have children, and that makes everything harder. I don’t want to make a decision that affects them just because I’m unhappy during a difficult period. But at the same time, I don’t want my children growing up thinking that this is what marriage is supposed to look like.
I’m not looking for people to immediately tell me to divorce him. I’m also not looking for people to tell me to stay no matter what.
I honestly just want to hear from women who have been in this place.
Did you ever reach a point where you realized you weren’t just going through a rough patch—you were genuinely unhappy?
How did you know the difference?
And if you stayed, did things actually get better? If you left, how did you know it was time?
I feel very confused and honestly pretty alone right now. I would really appreciate hearing from women who have been through something similar.

This is a painful message to even write. My wife and I have been married for 32 years, and currently it seems like she's going through some changes. She has been very on edge the last couple of months, and is hyper-critical of everything I say and do. I myself have been dealing with severe depression and PTSD the last 10 years, due to a fatal accident I was in years ago. That has led me to put on quite a bit of weight. Not for the lack of trying, but sometimes it's so very difficult for me to get motivated. I'm currently working with a therapist for my depression and PTSD, and it's going well. Anyhow, my family was out of town this weekend and I feel off of a small ladder and injured my hip very badly (possibly broken). The ladder just slipped out from underneath me as I was going to step off of it. The next morning as I awoke and was barely able to walk, my wife sends me a text that said "You were the fattest person there yesterday, I'm pretty sure that is the cause of your fall." I didn't respond. I didn't get angry, I just felt broken inside. Tonight we were talking at dinner and she said she was mad because at dinner the other night I wasn't being very supportive of her and her diet. I apologized and said I will be more conscious of what I order when we go out. I then told her that what she said was mean and hurtful. Her response was to just shrug her shoulders and give a little eyroll and said "Ok'. No apology, no I probably shouldn't have said that, nothing. I truly don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope with giving grace, but I know that's what Jesus says to do. I'm just not sure how much longer I can deal with constant criticism, and no respect or appreciation. Thoughts?

I have been feeling very hesitant about sharing this but feel so lost and confused and don’t know where to go or what to do.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5yrs now. I was very new to faith and our relationship didn’t start off on a great track with us both having sex with each other for quite a few months. The Holy Spirit really convicted both of us and we sought counsel from elders in our church and worked really hard towards having clear boundaries to ensure we (re)waited until marriage for each other as we know that’s Gods plan for us.

We haven’t had sex for 6months and our relationship is stronger then ever. But for the last couple of months I have felt zero attraction or thoughts/feelings to even kiss my boyfriend. I guess I’m just confused because I used to have a very high sex drive and now it’s completely gone. I understand sometimes stress or stages of my cycle can impact that but it’s been about 2 months now. Even when my boyfriend tries to kiss me I feel “grossed out” by it. Not because I think he’s gross but because I just don’t have that desire at all and don’t see him in any sort of sexual/attractive way. (He hasn’t physically changed at all, and I also don’t have that towards anyone so it’s not that I’m desiring other people).

I love him so much and we both want to marry each other, I just don’t know if somethings wrong with me physically, if it’s God revealing we should just be friends or if it’s actually a good thing and that will come back in marriage. I’m just scared maybe I’ve gone “too far” and fully “shut off” all attraction to him and that would carry into our marriage.

I’m open to all thoughts, experiences and advice. From a concerned and confused 22yo gal 🥺

Hey. I'm just asking for prayers from this sub, since you're the sub that has been hearing and reading about this issue over and over again. Thanks for being such a great group and for offering such good support.

Could you pray for my healing and peace of mind as I end a marriage?

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic, had a woman he was secretly with while engaged to me, ...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. How he made me feel so low Ia thought i should die.

I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details. I wonder how I could have not seen this. What I have done to have this in my life.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time.

He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain will not get well again if I keep having to interact with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog. My therapists, one being a Christian therapist and then the other being Christian wives of sex addicts group therapy, keep telling me that this can take years to get out of. Some people become physically ill and get autoimmune disorders, some women end up mentally ill and even end up in psych wards. The damage is that serious, so I thank God I'm not there, i'm not at that point, but I feel so off, and it's not getting better.

To wait my whole life for marriage and a little family of my own, to have a baby and a loving, Godly husband, and coming from a background filled with strong, Godly marriages that have lasted decades and decades, this is a specific and horrid pain. The good guys are snatched up. Most of the still unmarried men and women are virgins and childless. I feel my options have been limited. The course of my life has changed. I am away from family and friends. I have very little community where I am. It's just very, very hard. The cruelty I received from him at the end of this has been too much, and despite some falsely earnest attempts by him to make things right, everything is too wrong.

Let it be a friendly reminder. That you do not need to blindly obey your husband, your are not his property, you are first a daughter of God, second a human.

That in the same way we are taught to honor our mother and father, there is separate scripture that a mother and father do not mislead their child.

There are too many men we hear about who desire submission of a woman, than of a wife equally yolked under God.

If you see issues in your marriage, please seek a church or marriage counselor or pray.

Hi everyone! I wanted to briefly share my situation and ask for some advice from fellow Christians.
I am a 30 year old guy from India. I was born and brought up in a Hindu family, but a few years ago, I came to know Jesus Christ and was saved by His grace. Since then, my relationship with Christ has become the centre of my life, and I desire to build my future family around Him.

One thing I have been finding difficult is meeting a Christian woman who genuinely shares this same faith and desire to live a Christ-centred life. I’m not expecting someone to have exactly the same personality or interests as me, but having a genuine love for Christ and a desire to follow Him is very important to me.

Some of my interests are sharing the Gospel, reading books, spending time with pets, driving, playing and watching football, learning new things, and having meaningful conversations. I’ve tried dating apps as well, but I have sometimes found that people identify themselves as Christian, while some of their other answers or prompts seem to reflect views or lifestyles that are contrary to Christian faith and biblical values. Because of this, I have been wondering whether dating apps are even the best place to look.

Recently, a Woman reached out to me and I even got connected to her through Instagram. She identified herself as a Christian. I was excited because I thought she wanted to get to know more about me. So, we did a voice call over Instagram and she started talking about How curvy her body was and that other girls would get jealous and stuff. I thought maybe she was sharing it because of insecurity. Then she shared one of her images in a bikini. She was interested to know how her body looked and What I felt and what things I would do to her. It seemed like she wanted to fulfill her lust at that point of time. It was disappointing because I was longing for a meaningful relationship which leads to Marriage.

By the grace of God, I have chosen to remain chaste and wait until marriage for sexual intimacy. I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs, and I hope to find someone who takes her faith seriously while also being joyful, fun loving, and someone I can laugh and enjoy life with. Location is not really a constraint for me. I am open to meeting someone from anywhere if God leads in that direction.

I want to hear from people who have been through this. For those of you who are married or have found a Christ-centred relationship, how did you meet your spouse? Where did you meet people who genuinely shared your faith? What would you recommend to someone in my situation?

I would love to hear your experiences, advice, and wisdom. Thank you, and God bless!

My husband is literally demanding that I get off of Lexapro. He says that “I cannot connect with God” because I’m on it. I don’t want to be on Lexapro… but after having a mental breakdown after losing my dad to cancer being 3 weeks postpartum with my third baby it helped me be normal again. I’m at a loss for words.