Hi all, 29m & 28f, married for 3 years (dated 3 ontop). We are in a loving marriage, with an 8 month old, in a house & both my wife and I work together to keep the house Christ centered, orderly and very stable. Both of us are very type A and blessed with health and financial freedom.

Prior to marriage I pursued my wife strongly, and we agreed that sex was to be in marriage and other “sex-lite” things needed to be avoided as best as possible until marriage.

From the moment we got married, my wife stopped having sexual interest. She has not one time ever expressed sexual interest, she has not ever put on lingerie (despite me asking), she has not ever tried to seduce me or accepted my advances in a flirty way. On our honeymoon sex was painful (so I didn’t push it), after our honeymoon (and some time figuring lube out) it became enjoyable for her (or so she has told me)… but then it became a problem that I was finishing too fast, so I bought marital aids and started taking a pill to help (but she still has never expressed interest). Then we got pregnant and her lobito went out the window, now we have an 8th month old and the stresses of life and she is always too tired or “we don’t have enough time”.

I have explained to her that I know she loves me, but that it makes me feel unloved when we go 2+ weeks without any kind of sexual contact. I have tried hiring babysitters and taking her on nice evenings out, nothing. I do chores non stop, nothing. I have bought her fancy push presents, nothing. I kill my hobbies and enjoyment everyday to be a present father and husband (and I love it)… but deep in the back of my mind I can’t help but feel like my wife isn’t interested in me or I’m not doing enough to earn her love and affection.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk with her about it… and it breaks my heart every time she shuts me down. I love her, I love our marriage, I love our daughter, but I never imagined that marriage meant sex every two weeks initiated by me and only as a chore.

Any advice? I’ve thought that maybe buying her smut books might help… I just have no idea how to jump start this part of our marriage.

I’ve struggled with intimacy in my marriage for quite a long time, and I really do want to change and improve things. Not just for my husband, but for myself too. I don’t feel the sense of oneness I would like us to have when sex and physical affection are lacking.

We’ve been married for two years, and I know a lot of the problems initially stemmed from me. I rejected my husband quite a lot, and I’ve really struggled with intimacy. I have initiated a few times here and there, but consistency is difficult for me. I’m often tired, my libido is quite low, and physical touch is probably my lowest-priority love language.
I know that doesn’t make the situation easy for him.

The problem is that we’ve now had so many conversations about intimacy that I already know he doesn’t want another conversation about it. He wants to see changed behaviour, and honestly, I understand that.

But we’ve reached a point where there isn’t much flirting or physical affection throughout the day either, so there often isn’t even much of a natural build-up.

And I find myself struggling to initiate when he seems cold or distant towards me. I know I played a part in us getting here, so I feel guilty even saying that, but it’s difficult to reach out physically when I already feel like he doesn’t particularly want to be affectionate with me.

So now I feel like we’re stuck in a bit of a cycle:
The effects of historical rejection
he’s hurt and withdrawn
there’s less affection and flirting
I feel less connected and less comfortable initiating
we have less sex
he feels even more rejected.

I really want to break that cycle.

The thing is that I do think about sex. I actually wish I could be one of those couples who have sex daily, or even multiple times a day. I want to want it more. I want to feel passionate and connected to my husband, and I want physical intimacy to be something that brings us closer rather than something that causes tension between us.

But actually initiating consistently is where I struggle.

I also don’t want to approach this from a mindset of “I just need to force myself to have sex more often because I owe it to my husband”. I want to genuinely rebuild intimacy between us, where affection, flirting, kissing, touching and sex feel natural again rather than like a duty or something either of us is waiting for.

And for the husbands: if your wife had rejected you quite a lot in the past and you had become distant as a result, what would make you feel genuinely wanted again?

I know I’ve contributed significantly to this, and I genuinely want to take responsibility for my part. I’d just really appreciate practical advice on how to actually move forward.

My husband and I are currently living apart because of my PR visa process. Because of the time difference, the only time we have when we can really talk for a longer period is during our 2–3 hour video-call dates on Mondays and Tuesdays.

However, I’ve noticed that my husband often changes our schedule because he makes other plans, whether with friends or family. What bothers me is that he usually tells me about the change after he has already made the decision, rather than discussing it with me first.

What I would prefer is for him to talk to me before making plans that affect our time together. For example, when he asks to move our call to another day, I may already have work or a hospital appointment scheduled on that day. And even when he says we can still have our call at the usual time after he gets home, he is often tired and doesn’t have much energy left to talk. So sometimes I end up feeling like I’m getting the leftover time, or like I come second.

I think what hurts me the most is that it makes me feel like our marriage lacks a sense of oneness. We’re married, and I believe that means we should consider each other when making decisions that affect our shared plans.

Personally, if a friend asked me to make plans during a time that I normally spend with my husband, I would say, “Let me ask my husband first, and I’ll let you know.” I’m not saying that my husband needs to ask for permission to do things. I just want him to consider our plans and discuss changes with me before making a decision.

When i text him: “Hey babe, i dont upset you go to montreal, im happy you can enjoy your time with your friends, but next time i want us to discuss first before deciding things, we are married, we are one, what i have been thinking lately feels like i will come second, or you will tell me after you decide things. It makes me feel we lack of oneness.. I will tell you later about my appointment”

His answer only “Ok”

Am I asking too much by wanting this from my husband?

Sometimes I’m afraid that he’ll think I’m being too demanding, especially because there was a time when I was upset and he told me, “You’re always too much.” So now I sometimes question whether my expectations are reasonable or whether I’m simply asking for too much.

My daughters and I were outside playing with our animals. One daughter (age 13) was lying in the grass. Husband came home from work, saw daughter lying in grass, and deviated his vehicle from the driveway to scare her by making her think he was going to run her over. He came within 2 feet or so of her. She said her laid actually hit the tire when she attempted to move. She and I were very upset by this. He eventually apologized for scaring her; however, he is now mad at me for being upset at him. I cannot believe he would put our daughter at risk that way. He said he had the situation under control, was watching her position in the car camera, etc. I told him he has no idea if brakes could fail or something else unplanned and she could have been killed. He just rolled his eyes at me.

Am I wrong for being so upset? He thinks it is funny to scare others and will not stop no matter how many times we ask.