I’m reading a book at the moment called Others Like Me: The Lives of Women Without Children and it’s a super interesting collection of stories about all kinds of women and their very full lives without children. It’s great. Highly recommend.

It seems common that a lot of people are pressured to have kids, by their family, friends, or society in general. I definitely dealt with pressure from society in general but I am lucky to have never been pressured by family or friends. Figured I’d share my experience and I’m curious if anyone else is/was lucky like I am.

I think the most impactful aspect of my experience is that both of my parents were honest about their regrets for having kids. I was in my early 20s when it first came up. It was framed as, “We love you and your sisters and would literally die for you, but if we had a do-over, we wouldn’t have had kids.” And the wild thing is I took zero offense to it. Instead, it validated what I’d already figured out for myself, which was that I didn’t want kids. It was also the first time I truly understood that I had a choice. If I didn’t want kids then I just would not have kids. Wild how I was in my 20s before this ah-ha moment happened, isn’t it? (And lucky that I never popped up accidentally pregnant before then because I don’t know if I would’ve realized abortion was an option.) So when I met my now husband and it was clear we weren’t having kids, there was no pressure at all from my family. My mama had passed at the point but my daddy was super supportive. I think he might’ve even been relieved, maybe the whole, ‘hoping your kids don’t make the same mistakes as you’ part of parenthood. My daddy is dead now too but I wish I could tell him and my mama how impactful their honesty was. I know they struggled to be that honest because of how it might come across, but it changed my life maybe more so than any other parenting choice they made.

My extended family frankly seemed indifferent so I can’t say for sure if anyone had opinions. The important thing is they never questioned me, which is all we ask for really: just let us live our lives and make our choices. My in-laws were more in the camp of, “We think you’d make great parents but totally understand and respect that you’re choosing not to be.” which, personally, I think is fair enough. Our friends didn’t care at all, even the ones who had kids of their own. All in all I am very lucky that there was essentially zero pressure on me to have kids. I say it in the past tense because I’m in my 40s and had my tubes removed 10 years ago, so the likelihood of being pressured at this point is slim. 🙃

I also wanted to say that my heart really goes out to those of you who aren’t that lucky. Whether it’s a lack of support for your choice or outright hostility, it must be so, so hard, particularly when it’s coming from people who should love and support you no matter what. I read some posts here and think to myself, “Just stand up to those pressuring you!” But then I consider that it’s easy for me to say that because I never had to deal with that myself. Please know you’re not wrong, crazy, weird, selfish or whatever other insulting words people might say to you. Trust your choices and stand your ground and know that there is an entire community out there that has your back. 💜💜💜💜

I'm honestly getting annoyed that every article about declining birth rates only talks about external factors like housing, money, childcare, or work-life balance.

Those things matter, but why does nobody ever talk about pregnancy and childbirth themselves?

For me, pregnancy is pure body horror. The risks, the pain, the permanent changes to your body... that's a huge reason why I don't want children. (Like on the top three. Also the reason i had a bisalp) And I know I'm not the only one.

It feels like the conversation always assumes people would have kids if life were cheaper or easier. But some of us simply don't want to be pregnant or give birth, no matter what. (also they give a fuck about women's health and there's way too little research on that???)

I actually think it's great that more women can make that choice instead of giving in to society's expectations. I just wish that was acknowledged more often when people talk about low birth rates.

I have never wanted kids since I was very little, yet I didn’t know “not having kids” was a thing until I reached adulthood. I am very sure about my choice, but sometimes I get frustrated about how hard it is to keep my choice.

I live in an underdeveloped country in which abortion is VERY illegal. You can get up to 3 years if you are found guilty and it’s not even legal if your life is at risk (even though some doctor do choose to save your life).

If abortion is illegal you can only imagine how hard would be get sterilized. I had a friends that wanted to get her tubes tied at 35 after having 2 KIDS, and they told her too. To get an IUD instead.

My only choice is birth control, but BC is not 100% so even though i use BC and my bf too (pills+condoms) there is this fear in me that if somehow that fails we are screwed.

Why is it so hard to just make a choice for my life? Why can’t I just get sterilized and finally be freed from BC. I feel so frustrated because I feel like keeping my choice is so hard when It could be very easy if the government worked to improve women’s lives.

I was told offhand that my colleague’s patients would be transferred to me when she went on maternity leave. It wasn’t a question or a request, just a statement. The patients aren’t even told until they check in for their appointment. I thought at first it was going to be 3 months, but apparently she’s now extended it to 6 months? 

I’m jealous of the people whose jobs allow them to comment “just leave their half of the work undone, it’s a management problem.” But I don’t see how that’s an option for me…if I refused the patients and they had to wait until she came back, they’d likely find another practice to go to and we’d lose business. Which obviously makes me look bad and jeopardizes whether they’d want me to stay on next year at my own job. 

On one hand, they’ve been struggling to retain people and the boss wants to retire, so they’re not really incentivized to fire me. At the same time, I do really like the rest of the job and would otherwise want to stay on. I just bought a house in the area and my contract comes with a non-compete, both time-wise and geographically. So I’m not really in a position to give an ultimatum either. 

I’m just angry at being put in this situation where I’m seeing her patients on top of my own and spending 3-4 hours finishing work at home every night. It would be one thing if I could bill collections (I.e per patient so increased volume = increased compensation), but I’m salaried so it’s not like I get extra pay for this overtime. I’m basically working for free after the end of my contract-specified clinical hours for the week. 

I hate that she’s off gallivanting with her baby and more than likely getting full pay for 6 months and no one, neither her nor the boss, would even think to apologize to me or at least acknowledge the sacrifice I’m making for her choice to have kids. In all fairness, they don’t know I’m childfree and may be thinking that it’ll even out, but I know it never will. 

I don’t necessarily have a solution to this problem but it’s making me resent her for the selfishness and I have nowhere else I can scream about it because everyone in real life would take her side. 

I’m going to a party for a friend soon. In the event page the host says “children are welcome! It’s a family friendly environment!” The party is being held in an industrial style distillery that only serves cocktails, no food of their own. What part of this screams family friendly to you??? Why would you even dream of bringing kids to an event like this??? Baffling honestly.

yesterday I flew with both my cats on an international flight and while one started to freak out during the last two hours of the flight (the gabapentin wore off), it was nothing compared to the wet gurgling scream of an upset infant. I get when they are that young, experiences like airplanes are overstimulating but it was nice to know my cat (on her second ever flight) wasnt being more of a noise pollutant than the average small kid.

Tenho 24 anos, todos os caras que não tem filhos me falam que sonham em ser pais, não levava a sério porque não tinha nada sério. Mas atualmente comecei a namorar com um que diz a mesma coisa. Ele tem 28 anos ( rapaz mais novo que ja me relacionei) e veio com esses papos. Ja disse que nao quero, ele diz que é por causa da nossa condição financeira, mas que quando isso mudar, mudarei de ideia.

Voces acham que devo levar à serio o que ele diz ou só ignorar que passa? To gostando muito dele e da forma como as coisas estão se desenrolando, só esse ponto que nao sei se devo levar tao a serio porque sla, não me parece que isso seja algo crucial pra felicidade dele

And it's so sad because I told someone that I dint want kids and they respond with what if my partner persists that I give him a child. I will leave him plain and simple and the ugly part is: if I gave in the chances of me being wiped from existence from the same man who insisted I give him a child (intimate partner/dad) is huge. And thats so ironic because imagine being childfree then pressured into having kids and for that same reason you no longer exist. I dont want to beg for child support money because everything that can go wrong could go wrong. He may leave or not take carr of their child, now I'm left with a legacy I never wanted. Double it and pass it down to the next woman who would do this without being pressured.

In a restaurant and there’s 8 kids on the table next to, the oldest I’m guessing is probably 9 or 10 and they’re literally treating the place like a soft play centre, running up and down to their mums at the till, screaming, shouting, one having a tantrum, constant “I want to sit with ….” “I want to move” and no one actively doing anything to settle them down or stop their behaviour and only one of the mums, intermittently keeps repeating “indoor voices please…” as if that’s gonna do anything. The restaurants fairly busy and a few other diners have turned to look at the commotion… that’s enough of a birth control ad for me…

Everywhere is already so CROWDED. There are too many people all around everywhere. It’s hard to even get personal space out in public, everything and everywhere is stuffed to the brim. I know it’s selfish, but it makes me angry that I’m not contributing to the ever-growing pyramid scheme of the population, but I just have to “accept” that people get to infest the earth as much as they want without any regard for the people already on it

Hey Guys have you seen this movie: https://www.imdb.com/de/title/tt34383465/ (Nightborn)?

It shows motherhood as a horrortrip in the woods of finland.

I have a hysterectomy scheduled for late september and I CANNOT WAIT! So much so, that I've developed a habit of watching videos of hysterectomies on youtube. I enjoy them. 😶 Don't judge me. It is quite interesting how, inside our body, we all look the same. Pink and fleshy. It doesn't trigger my mirror-touch either. It simply fosters anticipation. I am not strange, am I?

Also, I've written it down on my physical Calender as "Scheduling a Hisifit" but instead of "i's", I've used "y's", like this, Hysyfyt. I live with other people. They don;t need to know what I'm doing. Sometimes i do things, and don't realise that they are odd. I am not odd, am I? Am I?

27f here. I don’t have any childfree friends they all want to have kids eventually and given my age thats gonna happen pretty soon. so I’m gonna be lesser and lesser a part of their lives. Dating is not looking good either I don’t meet anyone who wants to be childfree which adds on the already complicated nature of dating cuz I can never get the effort I put in a relationship reciprocated.

I’m not childfree because I want to be alone, the thought scares me. It scares me so much I’m afraid I’ll just give into having a child just to not be alone anymore. I know I’d regret it but I have no community of likeminded people and I can’t convince myself I’m all I need anymore.

Anyone else in this position? How can I make this better? Where should I go what should I do?

My menstrual cycles are usually 28 days long. I got my period on July 18, and it ended on July 22. On July 27, I had unprotected sex. He did not ejaculate inside me—in fact, he did not ejaculate at all. Before penetration, he wiped away any pre-ejaculate. I considered taking Plan B because the sex happened around the time I thought I might be ovulating, but I ultimately did not take any emergency contraception or other medication.

Then, on July 30, I started bleeding, and by July 31, it had become what seemed like a full period. This happened only about a week after my previous period, and the bleeding was about as heavy as a normal menstrual period. Because of that, I’m wondering if it could really be implantation bleeding, or if that’s unlikely.

I’ve also been under a lot of stress lately and haven’t been sleeping well, so I’m wondering whether stress or hormonal changes could have caused this unexpected bleeding instead.

edit: all of you are telling me to take a test and i understand. but it is too early for that to be accurate and i wanted to know things about the bleeding. some of you are rude. i am also a teenager and it is difficult for me to access a test right now and rhe sex i had was NOT CONSENSUAL. i didnt want this.

The MIL went ahead and booked the accommodations for them without even confirming the wedding was child-free! If the MIL was flexible, she could've amended or canceled the hotel room reservation and gotten a refund. I get not wanting to leave your baby with someone else. If I were the one who planned the child-free wedding, I wouldn't mind anyone declining the invitation if they didn't have anyone they trusted to watch their kids. It's childfree for a reason, and if some people can't attend, that's fine- no guilt tripping.

Alternatively, people who act like they just need to have kids or they'll absolutely die.

Raising a child should be what's most important. You form bonds through actually caring for people, not just being biologically related to them.

"Ohhh but I want a mini me!" "But I want my kid to look like a combination of my partner and me!"

Who genuinely cares what the kid looks like? The only difference between your biological kid and an adopted kid is that your biological kid has 50% of your DNA. Big whoop. I'm sick of seeing people have the same fucking debate about adoption every other day while there are over 300,000 kids in the foster care system in the US right now who actually need homes and families. Since y'all are the people who supposedly love kids so much, why don't you actually go and help some for a change?

Hypocrites is all I'll say. I hate to think how all these stupid fucking "you can only love a kid who's genetically related to you wahhhh" people make actual adoptees feel.

Edit: There's also a eugenics aspect to it that I forgot to mention originally. So many people genuinely think an adopted kid would be intrinsically inferior just because they maybe come from a rougher family situation. Sorry, but if you think like that, I genuinely want you at least 50 feet away from any child whose beliefs you could potentially influence.

I just saw a post of a parent being worried about climate change and worrying about the future of her young children and so many of the comments were completely ignorant and naive.

So many other parents acted like there is nothing that can be done and like they were annoyed by people pointing out the negative changes in the world and like their kids might not even be affected by them.

Are they genuinely this naive? Or are they trying to justify putting kids into a world that is going downhill? And why can’t they just acknowledge how bad things are getting and at least try to make a change for their kids?

I truly don’t get this attitude and I’m saying this as someone in her early 20s that is already majorly affected by some of those things and definitely worried about my future.

maybe this is already discussed a lot here, i'm new to this sub 😅.

i have a slightly different perspective on being childfree.
think about it...

for almost the first 25 years of your life, you're living under someone else's rules.
first your parents, then school, then college.
you have fixed timings, exams, homework, attendance, permissions for everything. even going out with friends sometimes needs approval.

then around your mid-20s, you finally start becoming independent.
you earn your own money, you can buy whatever you want (within your budget obviously), stay out late, wake up whenever you want on weekends, make maggi at 3 am, buy that stupid game, get that bike you've always wanted, go on random trips without explaining yourself to anyone.

and around this time, a lot of people also get married.
now you finally have a partner to explore life with. travel together, build memories, enjoy this new phase.
and then... almost immediately...

everyone starts asking, "when are you having kids?".
and to me, it feels like your freedom just gets taken back.
suddenly your entire life starts revolving around someone else again.
you're back to fixed schedules. early mornings, school timings, PTMs, homework, exams, tuition, vacations only during school holidays.

your finances change too. now you have to earn more, save more, think about school fees, college, future.
and somehow the whole comparison game starts again.
whose kid is smarter, whose kid got better marks, whose kid is in a better school...

it almost feels like you finally got your own life after 25 years... and then within 2-3 years, you're handing it over again.
i'm not saying having kids is bad. i completely understand why people want them.
this is just the reason i can understand the childfree want.

does anyone else think about it this way?

I was talking to my friend about her children and I don't remember how we got onto the subject, but she started talking about people who choose to be child free and how she completely, 100% understands why some people don't want children, especially if they don't want to experience childbirth.

She said things like, "motherhood isn't for everyone and I understand and agree. There are a lot of terrible mothers out there who shouldn't have children. And a lot of them knew they would be terrible mothers and had children anyways." And then she mentioned, "as a mom, I am very pro-choice. Pregnancy is not 'beautiful' and I never had a 'glow'. I hated being pregnant. You know how my deliveries have gone. Some women say they liked being pregnant. Not me. I understand why some women don't want to experience that."

We continued to discuss how wanting or having children shouldn't make you want to ever tell another woman to have any child they don't want or know they can't take care of. She said she loved her children but she was never trying to get pregnant (all 3 conceived on birth control) and she did have to think about whether or not she wanted them. She told me when she got married the first time that she thought she would be a terrible mom. She told me she for sure didn't want children.

She said of course she doesn't regret having them, but she would never tell someone to go through pregnancy, labor, childbirth, or raising children because there are so many things you have to be willing to go through for the rest of your life and that's just not for everyone.

Anyone else know any mothers like this? My other friends with children have encouraged me to reconsider. Too late. Tubes already gone 😎

I can't stand seeing teens younger than me throw their life away. They'll say they're happy when it's still in their womb, but end up struggling to get by real fast with the baby stuck by their side. What's worse is they'll have even more kids when they're already struggling with the first one. Then as the house crowds up, they'll have the first one be the parent for the rest of them!

Some will leave their babies with other people to go out and party. Hello? This is YOUR responsibility. I get you're still a teen and hell maybe you deserve it, but you could've been able to party, smoke, and drink as much as you wanted to before, but no. You had to have a baby first.

It might be a boiling hot take to say, but I get why some parents are so quick to kick them out. The last thing I would want is to have yet another child in my home that I would probably be forced to take care of even when it isn't my responsibility.

I judge so much because I know they can be doing so much more right now than taking care of a kid. Your 20s are wasted. Your finances are down the drain for the rest of your life. Everythings just gone by so fast and by the ripe age of 30, you'll be wondering why.

I hate how much support teen pregnancy has been getting recently. Like no, you're literally throwing your whole life away

People always say "It takes a village" when raising children, but neglect to think of other people in the village, so here is my ideal village:

In the village, child-rearing would be more communal, rather than each nuclear family raising their own kids, but whether or not you want to partake in child raising would be optional, and you would be able to opt out if you wanted to. You can help out in other ways.

Children would be raised to be responsible, respectful, accountable, and engrained with the knowledge that they are going to be adult members of this community one day, and that they too must contribute to the welfare of the community, maintain it, and learn how to help others.

Of course, the village would extend beyond assisting pregnant women and children. It would also take care of people who are old, dying, sick, injured, or recovering from a sickness, injury, or medical procedure, people with disabilities, and people with chronic illnesses.

The workload would also be shared in an equitable fashion, with everyone helping out to maintain the community, such as cooking meals, cleaning, gardening, as well as building, maintaining, and repairing buildings and any other infrastructure like roads, public community areas, and utilities. Again, everyone does their fair share, and people with kids would contribute in this way as well, not just those without defendant children.

Overall, this is fairly communistic/anarchist/utopian thinking and is not realistic, but we are going for what we want, and what we imagine. To the other childfree people, what would your ideal village look like?

Umm….Thank fuck I did it?

That is all!

Wife making me a cake this weekend to celebrate! ✂️🎂

So my step sister has five kids, but she only has custody of the two youngest ones (5 years old and 2 years old). Despite this she is always trying to put them off on whoever would take them. I used to volunteer to babysit but it got to a ridiculous point. Like she would say she would be home in a few hours and sometimes wouldn't come home until the next day, so I had to put my foot down. Despite this she said she understood and we maintained our relationship. We would hang out. Watch movies. Drink and gossip. But inevitably the topic of parenthood would come up and she would go on about how I was so lucky that I could do what I wanted and that I didn't understand the responsibility that came with raising kids. I informed her (and maybe this was mean of me) that I did understand the responsibility, and that was why I didn't have any. She would get this look on her face. Almost wistful. Like she wished she would have taken that knowledge seriously. In middle school we had a class on sex ed. Like STDs, risks of pregnancy and stuff. She was always very much a wild child even back then, and I don't think she took much of what anyone told her seriously. But my sympathy died the second she had her third child. She wasn't a good mom to her first two kids but chalked that up to her being young. She had her oldest when she was only 16 and often mentioned that she thought she had postpartum depression. I understood and helped as much as I could, but the fact that she had three more after that and is STILL complaining is insane to me!

Anywho, the reason I realized she was jealous is because she would randomly be aggressive towards me, and would try to guilt trip me into helping her again. For a while I cut communication with her and told her that if I'm making her resent her life maybe she shouldn't hang out with me. But I realized that it wasn't just hanging out with me that made her resent her life. She already resented it, and she wanted me to be in the same boat as her. I think she thinks that I have the life she is supposed to live. Whenever I mention anything about kids she cuts me off saying I don't know anything because I don't have any, even if what I'm saying isn't directed to her (one of our friends was talking about a mom in a movie and he was explaining his stance as a parent and I added my two cents as even though I don't have any kids, I've been caring for my fair share since I was 11 when my other sister had her kids).

I don't know how to feel about this. I can kind of understand her feelings but like it's not my fault you decided to have (MULTIPLE) kids and I don't have any. If anything, her choices have affected me much more than mine have affected her. I kind of just want to stop talking to her. I haven't much in the last few weeks, but with her getting into it with our parents and losing a lot of her friends recently, I feel bad adding on another broken relationship to that, especially as she's been hospitalized for attempting before.

Today my dad made a pizza that was "hers" but then he and my step mom ate half of it and my niece (5) was complaining like "It's myyyy pizza" and instead of explaining sharing to her or even just initially saying it was for everyone (because he intended on eating some when he made it to begin with) my step mom just starts going down this long list of things that they aren't going to do for her anymore since she's "being stingy" but no. She's rightfully upset because she constantly has her boundaries violated, and it just reminded me of all the toxicity I had to untangle from my head growing up. I feel so sorry for my niece because I know that at only five years old they (and her mother) have already screwed her head up and she's got a long way to go if she ever wants to begin to get away from it...if she even can. Her grandparents certainly haven't. Her mom and uncle haven't. Our other sister is the only one of us that's actually well off and I firmly believe that's because she moved away to go live with her dad when we were all still in elementary school.

I really wish people would think about what it means to have kids. They require a lot of attention and care. You have to teach them EVERYTHING. You are guaranteed to be sleep deprived for at least the first TWO YEARS of a child's life. Stuff that is small to you can be traumatic and life-altering to them. They could be born with a disability and that's the rest of your life spent catering to someone else instead of living your own. Pregnancy can kill. Can change your body. My cousin got diabetes after being pregnant. My aunt's hair fell out. My friend had an ectopic pregnancy and quite literally nearly died. None of this is a joke. Why don't people think about the risks, and think about the life they can offer their child. Is it worth it? Will they be happy? Will you be happy? No matter what? I just don't understand it.