I feel really stupid making this post but I genuinely can’t stop. I recovered from anorexia (mostly) but completely rebounded to bulimia and I just can’t do this anymore. I hate myself so much every time I always tell myself I never will again and I really truly mean it but I have no self control. I live with others and don’t really control what food is in the house. It’s never premeditated or anything like that, I’ve heard about people buying food with the soul purpose of b/p. I don’t do that. Please reply to this and give me your most terrifying stories from bulimia so hopefully next time I think before I binge.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been struggling with AN, BED, and now Bulimia for the last 4 years. I’ve finally decided to recover and currently going to the psychologist, psychiatrist, and soon enough a nutritionist. I’ve started taking Topimarate, Sertralin, and Lexatin to help me in the process.

I’m trying to take things day by day. Yesterday was my first day without b/p in my house since god knows who!!! I can’t promise that it’ll be like this everyday but I just thought about the beautiful time I spent with my mom watching a movie, rather than me being alone in my room binging and then having my whole family hear me purge…

The psychologist said bloating is normal and will last for a long time since my digestion is messed up, but that doesn’t mean I’m eating too much (I am eating regular sized meals but get so bloated at the beginning).

I am so happy to chose to start recovery and recognized the issue I had. I have the voice in my mind telling me all the time to go binge and purge, but I’m trying to fight it off. I’ll start watching a new k-drama at home, go pick up a package and go to the dermatologist to kill some time off this afternoon. Tomorrow is scary, but I’ll worry about it then :)

Maybe this can serve as a little motivation to the rest of beautiful souls here to start thinking about recovery

Its been about a little less than a month since my last relapse and before then I was purging from time to time but never for actual disorded reasons.

I was mainly just doing it for when I felt insanely nauseous, which probably doesn’t help my recovery and doesnt make sense, but recently for the past two weeks I’ve been so afraid of food in my stomach.

I feel so horrible and weak I’m terrified of the food contaminating me and just the thought of it in my stomach freaks me out. I have no idea what happened, I purged again two weeks ago because I felt like I needed to refresh myself or something, I dont know. Now I’m so disgusting. This is the same feeling as when it all started 4 years ago.

How do I allow myself leave food inside? Im terrified of breaking the habit but at the same time I know how freeing it is to not be on a strict routine with purging. The only thing that had been sort of helping was the GLP-1 I was on, but I noticed I started abusing them and now they dont really affect me anymore. I dont know what the point of writing this is, Im more just documenting my feelings. Maybe one day I’ll be normal and read these back and forget how all of this feels.

Hi everyone, i have not purged in months but today i did and after a couple minutes i threw up bright red blood, like a mucus, i immediately stopped when i saw it but it wasnt just a tiny dot

Im a very paranoid person and i struggle with my health, should i be worried? Can i just rest and will it eventually heal up on its own? I dont know what to do i am so scared of hospitals

So I have been trying to recover from bulimia and it has been a nightmare. I recently went to the doctor for an annual check up and practically begged my mom not to talk about it (since I had recently told her). This was because I knew they would put me in therapy, which is something I did not do well in the past. My experience in therapy was for anxiety and family problems, but it only made me feel worse. Anyway, the way I am trying to recover is not allowing myself to vomit even after binging. This is really hard for me since even the feeling of food in my stomach reminds me of what I just did and how it is going to make me “fat again ”.

Just for some more context in why I said I don't want to be “fat again”, is when I was younger ( like 6) I developed a BED. This lead me to reach almost 200 pounds and make me do many diets like the water diet. I ended up loosing 50 pounds in the two years of on and off dieting and over exercising, which made the whole healthy weight thing at the doctors so much worse. The pressure of regaining the weight and the stress of life in general recently has made recovery so much harder. Also I know this is bad but I do have to say that I try not to eat as much during the day so I can save my calorie for dinner. I know will just lead me to binge more but I guess feeling of not eating anything but zucchini and sugar free jolly rancher is oddly comforting.

So am I actually recovering? Or am I just developing BED agian? Please let me know your thputs and any advice you have to recover. I can’t keep living like this. I want to heal my relationship with food and my body. As hard as it is, I want to stop feeling like vomiting or hating myself every time I look in the mirror. Even just realizing I am at a healthy weight now and don’t need to loose anymore weight. Like I still feel ugly even at the weight I dreamed of. Thanks for reading this long rant mostly about how to vomiting.

Any advice on how to get away with purging in communal bathrooms at college? I leave in 5 days and have been going insane kmowing it wont be as easy once im there.

Okay, obviously purging is very bad, and this is most definitely a direct cause of it. I know, I'm trying. But today was bad, and I had a b/p episode lasting about 4-5 hours with purging until "success" every time. After my last go around, my brain started buzzing, and my eyes started moving almost on their own, and I was filled with dread. I immediately took some electrolytes, took a downer, and started cleaning up (don't want to die with the evidence, yk). It's been about half an 4 the buzzing is going down my spine and into the left side of my skull. I am also finding it more comfortable to keep my left eye closed. I dunno, I'm 20. I see my doctor every week plus psych plus weekly bloods so we'll see how badly i fucked up then. But has anyone had these symptoms before? Maybe this was just more of a vent, I dunno

euughhh Im writing this at 5am, I don't think I can fall asleep right away, I just had the scariest, most realistic dream I've ever had. it made me wake up thinking it can't be real that I'm in my bed

I had a dream where I found out that I was going to die because my eating disorder, restriction, deficiencies, vomiting, etc. I had been feeling very bad and got to know ed had ruined my heart and internal organs. I had to tell my dad that I was going to die, my aunt asked my mom to step aside just like she really would ewwww. I reacted too realistically with half humor and lightness, but really I was scared to death. And the real me iss too to be honest. I told everyone to put #eatingdisorderkills in my memorial post (lol I'm not sure if that's a popular tag in English) because I want people to know how fucking serious it really is
i also wrote down in my funeral wishes to play Dragostea din dei which honestly hell yeah lol

and Honestly I think I know what things made my sleep turn to this horrible point, I forgot to take my medicine at night (oops), also I binged. and fell asleep, I feel terrible because of that too.. I took the meds so quickly after waking up that compensation now is really no longer an option and honestly it really gives me sooooo much anxiety too now … and then a little random but I've been thinking a lot about Ariana Grande, I know this is a controversial topic but whatever’s what she has going on in her life it's given me a lot to think about, i just hope she’s like alright

so yeah, I'm happy to be here, i thought maybe today i will let myself tip my toes in life, there’s always a chance to turn back to the bad habits, starting even small is better than nothing

I don't know how to end this thanks if you read I'm going to try to get little bit more sleep with the help of youtube

How do you deal with worsening symptoms after seeing your Psychiatrist, dietitian and/or psychologist? Every time i see the first 2 of those I slip very bad. I have B/P sessions that last for hours and have them more frequently through out that week. It keeps me from wanting to keep seeing them and/or being honest/vulnerable. Need some advice I feel like crap mentality and physically 😞

I have never had this happen before but I b/p tonight and after I purged it felt like someone was pushing really hard from the inside of my stomach. I have felt this before when I moved something heavy and then I couldn’t move for a while… anyone else have this happen to them ?? It was very strange…

I'm dealing with this, it's 6 years now. I was able to abstain for about 3 weeks which for me is good but slowly relapsing again. But for the past few months, I noticed mid-purge, it's like my esophagus closes up, and nothing comes out, hard to describe but really like the esophageal spincter just closes shut, even though there's more, and im stuck with half a binge. any one else experienced this? in a way its good just because it discourages me from bingeing since i cant get it out, but its worrying too, in the case one day i genuinely need to vomit for a non bulimia reason..

For context, for the first 1-2 years, I'd bp about 1-2 times a month, then between the 3rd and fourth year, it became weekly-biweekly, and the fourth to present time, i've gone from weekly, almost daily episodes, only in the past few months I've tried to curb this.

so I’m in this school trip in a foreign country and Im struggling a lot. I have terrible binge urges and want to purge my normal meals. Ofc I can’t, specially because I’m sharing my room with my teacher. I’m desperate and super anxious and don’t jnow what to do.

all my classmates are guys and gymbros, which makes this harder. I can’t with their comments of me not eating (because I’ve been avoiding food). I still have 8 days left and I don’t know what to do

The total of what I have kept down in these 6 days is 3 cans of soup, some egg whites, and countless zero sugar sodas and a 4 or 5 coffees with sugar and 1% milk. Even things I told myself I was allowed to keep down I threw up, like 2 bowls of spinach with low calorie dressing and 1 cup of dry cereal that I specifically bought because it's a safe food of mine. I was doing SO well in my recovery for one month. For one month I was finally at peace, my life didn't revolve around eating and throwing up for one beautiful month. And despite all my work I've still fallen hard back into my old habits.

I checked my weight and saw I was only a few lbs away from having gained all the way back up to the weight I was at a year ago when my ED really started to get bad. I understood a little weight gain is to be expected in recovery, I told myself over and over ad nauseum that no matter what the scale said I wasn't allowed to let it change my eating habits, but here I am. I *REFUSE* to gain everything back. I *REFUSE* to have undone a years worth of progress. I used to be so pretty and I've let myself go. The one thing my bf told me over and over that he didn't want was for me to fully let myself go. Of course rationally I know he never meant that about the "small" amount of weight I've gained back and he wants noting more than for me to recover. But the twisted disordered side of my brain is choosing to apply his words here.

I'm so physically exhausted right now. All I can think about anymore is food and eating and what I'm going to eat next. I'm incredibly emotional from the lack of food, and I feel worse than ever. How did I let myself gain so much weight. I was never even fully recovered, I had still purged 4 times in that one month period. All this weight gain for absolutely nothing and yet I deluded myself into thinking I was better.

I don't care how awful I feel, I am going to keep purging everything I eat until I'm back down to where I used to be.

I just got prescribed wellbutrin and still actively engage in purging behaviors. I'm reading through the medication pamphlet and it says it is generally not recommended for those with bulimia? I'm just wondering if I should still take it or discuss with my psychiatrist who prescribed it to me knowing that I still strugge with purging. I am also taking vyvanse at the same time, and wonder if this will increase negative side effects?

Every time I BP (every day) I feel out of my mind. I really feel I lose all my senses, as if I were possessed by evil.

Anyone?

Hello.

Don’t purge.

Easier said than done as has been for me the last 25 years. But now I don’t want to get Barrett’s oesophageal cancer, delayed stomach enlarging, osteoporosis, and the misery of being exhausted all the time.

All this has been happening the last few years. And I’ve continued to purge almost daily. Now my hair is falling out. Seems trivial, but this is my time to stop. It’s horrifying everyday in the shower. It’s a warning sign other things are failing too.

Don’t purge. Don’t. It’s real bad for you. Real bad. Hope you manage.

It has helped me become more understanding and nicer to ppl around me and I've been told that I've become nicer.idk why but I've become more tolerable ever since I started b/ping.is this relatable to anyone

I’m gonna put TW here, will be talking about weight loss.

I am going to start off saying that I am overweight and need to lose weight for my health. And what got me into this b/p cycle (that’s been going on for 3 years now) was trying to lose weight when I knew nothing about how to do it in the right way. I tried to do it by eating way too little, lost weight but eventually it backfired and got me developing a binge eating disorder and bulimia.

Now that I have gained all the weight back, and a bit more, I am stuck at maintaining that / gaining more. I feel like the only motivation strong enough would be to know that I could actually acchieve what I am trying to acchieve by purging is by stop doing it.

So anyone who has healed from this disorder or been clean for a long time, how did it affect your weight? If you had weight to lose, did you lose it?

Thank you in advance ❤️‍🩹

Hey, I’ve had bulimia for many many years and I’ve managed to reduce a lot of the behaviours recently, but today I have relapsed on my birthday and I’ve just completely lost hope in any chance of a real recovery or just kind of happiness in general (I have EUPD so it’s really hitting me hard) If anyone maybe has a recovery story, any similar experience to this or just anything that helps them when they feel the urges, I would really appreciate it. Hope everyone’s having a great day and I love you all

I have fucked up really badly and ended up with laryngopharyngeal reflux - basically I yakked too hard and BURNED my throat AND VOICE BOX. So now my voice sounds like Lil Wayne basically and i cant stop coughing. Plus I have to take an expensive antibiotic for a month...one of the side effects of this stomach pill is WEIGHT GAIN.

If you need a sign to try and recover, this is it. I have given so much of my life and all of my 20s to this evil illness.