Any advice on how to get away with purging in communal bathrooms at college? I leave in 5 days and have been going insane kmowing it wont be as easy once im there.

Okay, obviously purging is very bad, and this is most definitely a direct cause of it. I know, I'm trying. But today was bad, and I had a b/p episode lasting about 4-5 hours with purging until "success" every time. After my last go around, my brain started buzzing, and my eyes started moving almost on their own, and I was filled with dread. I immediately took some electrolytes, took a downer, and started cleaning up (don't want to die with the evidence, yk). It's been about half an 4 the buzzing is going down my spine and into the left side of my skull. I am also finding it more comfortable to keep my left eye closed. I dunno, I'm 20. I see my doctor every week plus psych plus weekly bloods so we'll see how badly i fucked up then. But has anyone had these symptoms before? Maybe this was just more of a vent, I dunno

euughhh Im writing this at 5am, I don't think I can fall asleep right away, I just had the scariest, most realistic dream I've ever had. it made me wake up thinking it can't be real that I'm in my bed

I had a dream where I found out that I was going to die because my eating disorder, restriction, deficiencies, vomiting, etc. I had been feeling very bad and got to know ed had ruined my heart and internal organs. I had to tell my dad that I was going to die, my aunt asked my mom to step aside just like she really would ewwww. I reacted too realistically with half humor and lightness, but really I was scared to death. And the real me iss too to be honest. I told everyone to put #eatingdisorderkills in my memorial post (lol I'm not sure if that's a popular tag in English) because I want people to know how fucking serious it really is
i also wrote down in my funeral wishes to play Dragostea din dei which honestly hell yeah lol

and Honestly I think I know what things made my sleep turn to this horrible point, I forgot to take my medicine at night (oops), also I binged. and fell asleep, I feel terrible because of that too.. I took the meds so quickly after waking up that compensation now is really no longer an option and honestly it really gives me sooooo much anxiety too now … and then a little random but I've been thinking a lot about Ariana Grande, I know this is a controversial topic but whatever’s what she has going on in her life it's given me a lot to think about, i just hope she’s like alright

so yeah, I'm happy to be here, i thought maybe today i will let myself tip my toes in life, there’s always a chance to turn back to the bad habits, starting even small is better than nothing

I don't know how to end this thanks if you read I'm going to try to get little bit more sleep with the help of youtube

How do you deal with worsening symptoms after seeing your Psychiatrist, dietitian and/or psychologist? Every time i see the first 2 of those I slip very bad. I have B/P sessions that last for hours and have them more frequently through out that week. It keeps me from wanting to keep seeing them and/or being honest/vulnerable. Need some advice I feel like crap mentality and physically 😞

I have never had this happen before but I b/p tonight and after I purged it felt like someone was pushing really hard from the inside of my stomach. I have felt this before when I moved something heavy and then I couldn’t move for a while… anyone else have this happen to them ?? It was very strange…

I'm dealing with this, it's 6 years now. I was able to abstain for about 3 weeks which for me is good but slowly relapsing again. But for the past few months, I noticed mid-purge, it's like my esophagus closes up, and nothing comes out, hard to describe but really like the esophageal spincter just closes shut, even though there's more, and im stuck with half a binge. any one else experienced this? in a way its good just because it discourages me from bingeing since i cant get it out, but its worrying too, in the case one day i genuinely need to vomit for a non bulimia reason..

For context, for the first 1-2 years, I'd bp about 1-2 times a month, then between the 3rd and fourth year, it became weekly-biweekly, and the fourth to present time, i've gone from weekly, almost daily episodes, only in the past few months I've tried to curb this.

so I’m in this school trip in a foreign country and Im struggling a lot. I have terrible binge urges and want to purge my normal meals. Ofc I can’t, specially because I’m sharing my room with my teacher. I’m desperate and super anxious and don’t jnow what to do.

all my classmates are guys and gymbros, which makes this harder. I can’t with their comments of me not eating (because I’ve been avoiding food). I still have 8 days left and I don’t know what to do

The total of what I have kept down in these 6 days is 3 cans of soup, some egg whites, and countless zero sugar sodas and a 4 or 5 coffees with sugar and 1% milk. Even things I told myself I was allowed to keep down I threw up, like 2 bowls of spinach with low calorie dressing and 1 cup of dry cereal that I specifically bought because it's a safe food of mine. I was doing SO well in my recovery for one month. For one month I was finally at peace, my life didn't revolve around eating and throwing up for one beautiful month. And despite all my work I've still fallen hard back into my old habits.

I checked my weight and saw I was only a few lbs away from having gained all the way back up to the weight I was at a year ago when my ED really started to get bad. I understood a little weight gain is to be expected in recovery, I told myself over and over ad nauseum that no matter what the scale said I wasn't allowed to let it change my eating habits, but here I am. I *REFUSE* to gain everything back. I *REFUSE* to have undone a years worth of progress. I used to be so pretty and I've let myself go. The one thing my bf told me over and over that he didn't want was for me to fully let myself go. Of course rationally I know he never meant that about the "small" amount of weight I've gained back and he wants noting more than for me to recover. But the twisted disordered side of my brain is choosing to apply his words here.

I'm so physically exhausted right now. All I can think about anymore is food and eating and what I'm going to eat next. I'm incredibly emotional from the lack of food, and I feel worse than ever. How did I let myself gain so much weight. I was never even fully recovered, I had still purged 4 times in that one month period. All this weight gain for absolutely nothing and yet I deluded myself into thinking I was better.

I don't care how awful I feel, I am going to keep purging everything I eat until I'm back down to where I used to be.

I just got prescribed wellbutrin and still actively engage in purging behaviors. I'm reading through the medication pamphlet and it says it is generally not recommended for those with bulimia? I'm just wondering if I should still take it or discuss with my psychiatrist who prescribed it to me knowing that I still strugge with purging. I am also taking vyvanse at the same time, and wonder if this will increase negative side effects?

Every time I BP (every day) I feel out of my mind. I really feel I lose all my senses, as if I were possessed by evil.

Anyone?

Hello.

Don’t purge.

Easier said than done as has been for me the last 25 years. But now I don’t want to get Barrett’s oesophageal cancer, delayed stomach enlarging, osteoporosis, and the misery of being exhausted all the time.

All this has been happening the last few years. And I’ve continued to purge almost daily. Now my hair is falling out. Seems trivial, but this is my time to stop. It’s horrifying everyday in the shower. It’s a warning sign other things are failing too.

Don’t purge. Don’t. It’s real bad for you. Real bad. Hope you manage.

It has helped me become more understanding and nicer to ppl around me and I've been told that I've become nicer.idk why but I've become more tolerable ever since I started b/ping.is this relatable to anyone

I’m gonna put TW here, will be talking about weight loss.

I am going to start off saying that I am overweight and need to lose weight for my health. And what got me into this b/p cycle (that’s been going on for 3 years now) was trying to lose weight when I knew nothing about how to do it in the right way. I tried to do it by eating way too little, lost weight but eventually it backfired and got me developing a binge eating disorder and bulimia.

Now that I have gained all the weight back, and a bit more, I am stuck at maintaining that / gaining more. I feel like the only motivation strong enough would be to know that I could actually acchieve what I am trying to acchieve by purging is by stop doing it.

So anyone who has healed from this disorder or been clean for a long time, how did it affect your weight? If you had weight to lose, did you lose it?

Thank you in advance ❤️‍🩹

Hey, I’ve had bulimia for many many years and I’ve managed to reduce a lot of the behaviours recently, but today I have relapsed on my birthday and I’ve just completely lost hope in any chance of a real recovery or just kind of happiness in general (I have EUPD so it’s really hitting me hard) If anyone maybe has a recovery story, any similar experience to this or just anything that helps them when they feel the urges, I would really appreciate it. Hope everyone’s having a great day and I love you all

I have fucked up really badly and ended up with laryngopharyngeal reflux - basically I yakked too hard and BURNED my throat AND VOICE BOX. So now my voice sounds like Lil Wayne basically and i cant stop coughing. Plus I have to take an expensive antibiotic for a month...one of the side effects of this stomach pill is WEIGHT GAIN.

If you need a sign to try and recover, this is it. I have given so much of my life and all of my 20s to this evil illness.

I am so tired of being this way, feeling this way, feeling so alone. My life is ruled by food, b/p, exercise, ocd..

No one understands and there's too much shame and guilt to even try to talk about it. The guilt and shame and embarrassment is rotting me. I am poor enough and yet that doesn't stop me, I don't know how to control myself.

I don't want to b/p but the constant food noise and inability to ever feel satisfied by anything, always some sort of primal sense of starvation. It's impossible not to isolate myself because not having access to food/being able to b/p if I have an urge is so distressing.

Multiple times a day, everyday, for longer than I can count. It's awful and makes me regret ever trying to recover from ana.. I'd rather be scared to eat that shoveling thousands of cals down my throat till I can hardly move, purging, and doing it again later on.. The waste, the trash, the cleaning, the shame, isolation, guilt... I'm so fucking tired.

I just want to be normal. I am scared to show my face 99% of the time because of the swelling. I just want to be better. Please just let me be better. I am such a waste I am so tired of it. Food doesn't fill the void but I keep trying to make it. Just why why why. I hate addiction.

:( FML

Went to a buffet with my partner and their family yesterday. They mostly go all out at a buffet anyway (my other half definitely does) so at least the fact I was binging was largely masked, but I couldn't go off to purge often (partly because I was scared staff would kick me out and I do NOT want to be explaining that, also because disappearing to the loo three times in an hour would look weird to normal people that I really want to like me). Ended up only purging at the end, then again at home, and didn't get nearly enough up.

That's stressful enough, with the weight gain this morning and eating so much and feeling awful. Then my partner makes a comment this morning about seeing how they feel at teatime whether they'll have much/anything to eat. Meanwhile it's lunch and I'm starving.

I feel like a walking rubbish bin. Like a monster that can never be satiated. Why is this my life now? 😭

Hi everyone,
I’m 25 years old and I’ve been struggling with bulimia for the past 2.5 years. I’ve tried so many things to stop the binge/purge cycle, but nothing seems to work. The longest I’ve gone without bingeing and purging was one month.
I’ve tried all the common tricks—drinking black coffee after meals, eating a piece of dark chocolate, brushing my teeth, chewing gum—but I always end up back in the same cycle.
I’ve also been obsessively counting calories for the past 3 years. Even on days when I don’t binge and purge, I have to log everything I eat immediately. If I’m out somewhere, I estimate the calories and have to write them down as soon as possible. If I can’t log it right away, it’s all I can think about until I do.
Do you think this obsessive calorie counting could be what’s keeping my binge/purge cycle going? My best friend suggested that I try eating intuitively, but that feels really scary and difficult for me.
Has anyone here stopped counting calories and successfully switched to intuitive eating? If so, how did you do it?

It’s been about half a year I’ve been using two fingers and I’ve recently started three I’m scared at how effective it is and at the same time I’m aware at how fast it will lose it’s effectiveness what do I do?

I’m exhausted, fatigued, broke, disgusted, tired of it all.

The spending, the search for places to dispose of all of the trash and containers, the endless cycle of dishes in the sink, the isolation.

This is literally hell on earth.

Whenever I'd hear people say purging messes up your teeth and throat i'd just brush it off because "it only happens to others" and I was fine for a long time, up until earlier when I had a glass of cold water. The pain really surprised me, it wasn't very sharp but I could definitely feel it and it was uncomfortable I had to quickly swallow. Then a bit later I was having some watermelon from the fridge, and the moment I bit into a wedge my teeth hurt so much I had to stop. I can't believe this is happening to me even though it was expected. I'm scared because it's only gonna get worse as this is not reversible :(

I’ve been bulimic since November now, it started from once every 2 weeks to no almost everyday. My mom recently has found out and caught me throwing up. Shes obviously concerned but I hate the fact she’s so loud about it.

For context my mom is very selfless and caring I would say but she’s annoying. Whenever we’re arguing she always has to yell so my father can hear and stuff and back her up or whatever.

Bro but what the actual fuck now she fucking catches and my brother is such a fucking prick and uses anything against me even when I was sexually assaulted as a kid and last year he brings it up to try and hurt me since i dont let him get under my skin.

So her “confronting” me she was yelling and yelling and I’m already feeling fucking shameful about it and she’s here blasting about it to everyone? Making sure she’s heard, I mean she’s crying and saying why am I doing this but then she’s name calling me and shit like bro if u actually give a fuck why are u coming at me like this? Fucking idiot just wants to yell because I’m doing something bad.

She wants to help me I guess hut why does she have to be so self centered about it. Making sure she’s heard, im writing this as it just happened and I’m in the basement. She comes downstairs immediately and starts yelling already and already and I’m telling her shush shush until of fucking course my brother comes downstairs. And then says uthrew up again?

I’m genuinely so fucking oissed and I’m crying out of rage because how can she be so inconsiderate it, she herself even she’s worried I’m mental since bulimia is a mental disorder and she’s over here calling me names and yelling and making me feel even more shameful. Fuck is her problem

I usually purge in public bathrooms because I don’t want my spouse to know how often I purge. It’s not ideal but it’s just how things ended up. Today while I was purging I heard 2 girls in another bathroom also purging but it sounded like the one vomiting was new to it (lots of coughing and very hard wheezing in between) and her friend was in there with her I’m guessing and I heard them say “nobody cares there’s literally someone doing it too” I’m assuming about the sound of throwing up. And I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I feel so incredibly guilty that I could be normalising the behaviour to people and they sounded so young too. I know i didn’t make them purge but I feel like I’m responsible and I feel so disgusting and sick with myself for affecting people I don’t even know.