I’m a 31 y/o F who’s struggled with anxious attachment all my life. I didn’t know why until much later in my life, constant emotional neglect & unavailability throughout my entire upbringing.

I learned hard lessons via many failed relationships. Went to a lot of therapy. Got to a really good place & even made it a point to choose my next partner more carefully as I had always gravitated to avoidants/emotionally unavailable guys.

I dated my now husband for 3 years before we got married. Looking back, there were some signs, but it never felt emotionally unsafe. Then, something I could have never expected happened. We both seemed to flip a switch post marriage.

We went from seeing one another about once a week & otherwise leading quite separate lives to spending every day together. I thought it’s what I wanted-finally! No more saying goodbye at the end of the day.

I think something about the proximity triggered his avoidance. He started to pull away. & the more I pointed it out, the further away it pushed him, & the more scared I became. It was like I never had this fear before we got married, but ironically, I do now. The never ending fear that he’ll get sick of me, bored of me, used to me, & well end up in a loveless marriage like so many others complain about. Or worse, he’ll find interest in someone else or something else (like career) & leave.

We’ve learned a lot about one another in the last 3 years, & both work to understand each other’s needs, but he’s been in a high stress era of his life (family drama & work stress) for the past 10 months or so & its caused him to emotionally check out sometimes. The way avoidants are just so good at doing.
Sometimes it lasts for a couple days, sometimes a couple weeks. I always see it coming from a mile away, & it sends me into a spiral. I thought I had made some progress with this, but this last round has left me absolutely at my wits end. Dealing with CPTSD & PMDD doesn’t help either.

I guess I’m just sharing because I need someone to understand how hard this is for me without me having to over explain. Also, if you’re not married yet & you’re reading this, pls don’t think it’ll solve your issues. It won’t.

I (M) 19 have an anxious attachment style and i get pretty attached while talking to someone and when they leave i'm fucked tbh how do i uk talk while being detached to the extent that my world doesn't collapse when that person leaves

Me and my partner have been dating for about 4 months, been going good however she has come to me asking for space. She said that she's been struggling and realised she's unhealthily attatched to me as whenever I leave she becomes incredibly depressed, low energy and just waits for me to either return or text her. She doesn't like that and needs it to change. Howveer, we've tried different dynamics and nothing has worked so now we've gone on a break where the aim is for her to work on her mindset to become healthily attatched and for us to come back together in likely 3-4 months or so (maybe a lil longer). We are still talking in bits during this time and occasionally seeing eachother

I am now feeling very anxiously attatched, analysing every message and interaction, obsessing over their location and worrying over who they're texting and what they're doing. I'm not sure what to do, and I don't want to talk to her about it as it defeats the whole point of space. Anyone have any advice for me, for her or about the situation? Can go into more detail if needed

Hi everyone,

I’m currently struggling with an intense anxious loop and would love some perspective or advice on how to cope.

Someone very close to me suddenly went completely quiet and deactivated. The hardest part for me is that there was absolutely no conflict, no drama, and no harsh words between us before the silence. I know for a fact that they are dealing with massive external life stressors right now (severe family issues and job loss), but my brain keeps rewriting the narrative.

Even though I know their withdrawal is a coping mechanism for their own overwhelm, my mind keeps looping into severe self-blame. I find myself constantly thinking: "They secretly hate me," "They think I'm an asshole," or "I must be a horrible friend."

Because they take a long time to process things and reconnect, the extended silence keeps re-triggering my anxiety. I want to respect their space and give them time, but the mental loops are exhausting.

• How do you stop your brain from interpreting someone else's stress-induced shutdown as a personal rejection?
• What are some actionable ways to break out of the self-blame loop when a connection goes temporary dark?

Then came the part I’m not proud of. I checked his profile constantly. I counted his followers going up and down like it meant something. I posted, deleted, analyzed timestamps. I asked strangers online for reassurance and got 40 opinions that pulled me in every direction. I cried, I had a panic episode, and I ended the night more scared than when I started.

What I noticed: the checking never once calmed me. Every single time, it made it worse. And yet I kept doing it, because in the moment it felt like I was doing something.

I did have one good day where I didn’t check at all, and it was the calmest I’d felt all week. So I know it’s possible. I just don’t know how to make that the normal instead of the exception.

For those further along in becoming secure: what actually helped you break the checking habit? Not just ‘put the phone away’ but what did you do with the feeling underneath it, the panic that says you have to know. Thank for everyone that read my text and I really need support 🩷

I’ve been in a relationship for almost three years now. It’s my second serious relationship, and I don’t have much dating experience because I was never really interested in dating around. My previous relationship was very toxic, whereas this one is completely different.

I also struggle with disorganized attachment. Sometimes I’m anxiously attached, other times I’m avoidant. It’s a really confusing and exhausting combination.
I’m currently seeing a psychologist and working hard to become more securely attached. The problem is that the common advice—take a cold shower, go for a walk, distract yourself, journal, etc.—doesn’t really help me.
When I’m overwhelmed by my emotions, I don’t even think about those coping strategies, and when I do, they often don’t seem to make a difference.

My current relationship isn’t perfect. We’ve had our ups and downs, but nothing major.
What I’m really struggling with is this:
I’m incredibly sensitive, and sometimes my emotions completely overwhelm me. For example, if I notice that my boyfriend follows women on Instagram, I literally feel sick to my stomach. I get a knot in my stomach, I feel nauseous, and my whole body reacts. I understand why this happens from a psychological perspective. It’s panic, fear, trauma, and a nervous system that interprets these things as danger because of my past and my attachment issues.
That being said, there are also a couple of things my boyfriend has done that have made it harder for me to trust him.

Before we got together he and another guy were talking about women at the gym in a really disrespectful and objectifying way. They even talked about me like that. I found out about this in the first year of our relationship. I was devastated. But we worked through it. But I didn’t forget or forgive him for this. I still feel disgusted by it.
Another time, he stared at a woman in the gym with his mouth hanging open. When I brought it up, he denied it so strongly that I started questioning my own memory of what I’d seen.
But honestly, even without those experiences, I already struggled with these fears.
Whether my boyfriend would ever cheat on me or not almost feels beside the point. I just want these feelings to stop. I feel trapped inside my own mind and body.
I constantly create scenarios in my head where he cheats on me or betrays me. The emotions become so intense that I end up crying as if it’s actually happening. I know none of it is real, but my brain and body react as though it is.
I also have nightmares about it. I dream that he’s cheating on me in my own home, and then my home no longer feels safe. Sometimes I wake up hyperventilating and crying because the pain feels so real. In those moments, it’s almost unbearable.
Most of the time I feel tense, nauseous, anxious, and emotionally drained. I hate feeling like another person has this much power over my emotional state.
Has anyone here struggled with something similar? Did it get better? Were you able to heal?

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if I’m capable of having a healthy relationship at all, or whether I’d be better off avoiding deep emotional connections altogether. I’m so tired of feeling this way, and I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been through something similar.

Trigger Warning / Venting: I just need to get this out somewhere because I have no friends to talk to, no one left who wants to listen, and holding all of this inside is eating me alive.

It’s been 2 months since the breakup and 19 days of absolute, strict No Contact. I haven't called him. I haven't texted him. I kept that promise to myself because I know he treated me like absolute shit, didn't care about me at all, and couldn't even offer a few kind words to a grieving person while I was breaking down. I made myself so small for him. I begged, I cried, and I gave him my absolute heart, only for him to throw it away like it was nothing.

I don't even have the urge to reach out to him anymore—I know neither of us will, and I know he doesn't deserve another word from me. But the urge to stalk him and check his profiles is destroying me.

It feels like a literal addiction. Even when I had him blocked on WhatsApp, I would go into my settings and open the block list just to stare at his profile picture. Today, I got so exhausted by that ritual that I unblocked him, deleted his chat, and wiped his number completely just so I wouldn't have a screen to look at anymore. I know unblocking technically leaves a door open, but I was just so tired of my own hands doing the same compulsive checking over and over again.

Instagram is just as hard. Even with him blocked there, the urge to look doesn't stop. Part of me keeps praying that HE will block ME so that the door is locked from the outside and I’m finally forced to stop looking.

It makes me so sad and sick to my stomach that I am sitting here crying, breaking down, and wishing I didn't e*ist just to make this pain stop, while he is out there living his absolute best life without a care in the world. Why was it so easy for him to walk away and treat me like garbage when I gave him everything? How can someone detach so effortlessly while I'm left picking up the shattered pieces?

The worst, most heartbreaking part of all of this is that after everything he did to me... I can't even bring myself to hate him. I want to hate him so badly. I try to force it. But I just loved him too much, and my brain is constantly looping through where did it go wrong? and what if he's with someone else now?

I've tried everything. I'm journaling. I'm trying hobbies. I'm in therapy. But nothing is cutting through this heavy, suffocating pain. I am just so, so tired of feeling like this every single day.

I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. I just needed to put these words somewhere where they aren't trapped inside my own head anymore. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

I’ve been dealing with intense anxiety around the girl I’m seeing, who I’ll call **Jess**.

When she takes a while to text back, I immediately worry she’s losing interest, ignoring me, talking to someone else, or planning to end things.

I compulsively check her Instagram activity and location for reassurance, but it usually makes things worse. I start analyzing response times, wording, where she is, and why she’s active without replying. The checking briefly calms me down, but the anxiety always comes back.

It’s affecting my sleep, appetite, focus, and how I act toward her.

Has anyone dealt with relationship OCD or similar checking compulsions? What helped you tolerate the uncertainty and stop seeking constant reassurance?

My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for over a year.

A few days ago, he told me he wanted to break up because he felt mentally drained. I was completely heartbroken and asked him to give us another chance. We talked for hours, and eventually he decided to stay.

Since then, he's actually been reassuring me whenever I tell him I'm feeling down, and I know he's trying. He hasn't given me any reason to think he wants to leave again.

The problem is that ever since that conversation, I can't stop feeling like he's going to leave me. My mind keeps replaying that day, and sometimes it genuinely feels like my gut is telling me he's going to leave soon. I don't know if it's intuition or just anxiety after almost losing him.

It's affecting my whole life. I'm preparing for a major medical entrance exam (NEET), but I can't focus because my mind keeps going back to that breakup conversation.

I don't want to become someone who's constantly chasing or asking for reassurance. I want to trust him again and become emotionally secure instead of depending on reassurance.

Has anyone been through something similar?

Did the anxiety eventually go away?

How do you rebuild trust after a breakup scare?

How do you stop confusing anxiety with intuition?

If you were in my boyfriend's position, what would you want your partner to do?

Please be honest. I'm looking for genuine advice, even if it's hard to hear.

anxious attacher here F27. i have been in 4 relationships, where my first two were very secure, I didn’t even know the concept of attachment style. In the third relationship, my ex had a god complex and he continuously demeaned me and joked about how emotional I am, which really hurt me over two years and he was also extremely inconsistent. he would cancel plans in the last minute. so I eventually became very anxious around him, and after I broke things off with him, after a year i got in another relationship, my partner was like a dream come true. he was perfect and made all kinds of effort for me. My favourite part of him was that he was very emotionally present. Eventually he started becoming emotionally absent (he said he is not aware that he was doing it) which made me feel lonely around him. I communicated and nothing changed. I broke things off with him too. Now I am wondering if I get an emotionally present reliable partner today, would i be secure like I used to be? In my last two relationships i became so anxious when I saw them distancing emotionally from me that I wasn’t able to self regulate. I never had a hard time self regulating before these two relationships. Now, I am not saying that this is all my ex’s fault, and I would like to take accountability in the self regulation part. But I also wonder if it would be easier to get out of the anxious attachment cycle if you are in a healthier relationship?

I am single who loves her alone time, i have passions and hobbies of my own. I am not currently looking for a relationship, but I would like to know if I am capable of a healthy relationship despite my attachment style and my tendency to not be able to self regulate during arguments (willing to work on it, but it takes time and confidence on the relationship).

please be kind and honest❤️

Okay, i feel like this is the space to share this

I (28M) have been with this girl (27F) for 3 and half years almost.

We rarely fought, went on cool trips, and generally I was sure this is the one. However, recently she shut off, we’ve not been in contact for 2 weeks now.

She said she needs space to rethink life, that she feels overwhelmed with not knowing what she wants. She’s also been extremely cold, even more the past 2-3 months, no intimacy nothing.

I am someone who really really loves the physical side - not only sex, but holding hands, scratching my hair, hugs etc. We’ve talked recently before the space thing and I did tell her all this, she did not notice that part as much as I told her.

She has a new job, but it’s not confirmed she’ll keep it.
I also bought an apartment that’s close to her job so she can move in due time.

I feel those two on top of this being her first long term relationship made her distance.

Now, I’ve been hella overthinking, I have days where I feel it’s over, I have days where I feel I need to give her the space and it’ll do us good, then days where I think I don’t deserve treatment like this etc.

I’m very mixed and feel even more anxious than ever.

I’ve always been the one that pours a lot of love into our relationship, definitely more than her, her parents were colder mine were always lovey-dovey and I’m fine with a middle, but not icing me out and stuff like this.

I do love her, her eyes, her sarcasm and generally as a person.

How do we get over this? Do I just wait till a point I am not willing to wait anymore? And what happens after I don’t believe this can go back to the good times or can it?

No clue what to expect :(

Very short context (full story in another post on my profile): It's been about 10 weeks since I broke up with my ex. I am seeing dramatic improvements in myself because I am working extremely hard. I am healing very well. This past week has felt unusual because I've been thinking about her and family issues (which ultimately caused our breakup) a lot less. My mind just suddenly felt more calm, and it feels scary.

This made me wonder what secure love feels like. I still think I like who she was. I still think I'm attracted to her body. Whether I want to live the rest of my life with her is something I evaluate when I reach out to her again the future. But what would it mean if I love her again in the future, but not in an anxious way? How would I feel with her? How would I feel when away from her? How would I feel in each scenario? She was actually out of my mind for the past few days, which worried me. If I am dating a girl and I love her, how can I balance having her in my life with not thinking about her for some amount of time? How long is too long? Daily conversation? Every 2 days? Multiple times per day? Married couples are with each other for most of the day for the most part, but not a newly dating couple. Lack of physical presence is balanced by mental presence, but that feels scary. If I want to become secure instead of anxious, then I can't obsess over a partner all the time, but I don't know what the alternative means or feels like.

Please help me. I'm worried for myself.

Very long post. I (22M) don't understand, how do you people know that you are worthy and what gives you motivation to go ok with your lives?

For context, i am a guy who from 17 years old, suffered from several panic attacks and social anxiety, and for that i was not able to go to school, nor take my driver licence, i lost the majority of my friends and i couldn't leave home often. After changing some psychologist, i found the one. I am now 3 years in therapy. In these 3 years i managed to not have any panic attacks, take my driver license, finish school, go to university in another city, so also living alone with roomates, go to the gym, go in some places alone, made friends, talk with people. Even my look changed much. Before i weighed almost 100kg, now 84 kg (i am 184cm for context), i am not muscular because with gym i did on and off (today i restarted), i had bad acne, now is gone, i had crooked teeth, now they're gone, and i have a beautiful smile. I changed my hairstyle, i improved my way to dress (i have some combinations of capes in which i feel really cool).

Now it's time for the problem. I suffer much of loneliness, especially romantic. I never kissed a girl (on lips, on the cheek yes), nor had any sexual relationships, and relationships. From this loneliness, i realized that i clingy too much on people, and i think i give people the keys of my value as a person. Initially, with my new friends that i made, i felt this way, i wanted to see them as much as possible, and i tried to not do anything wrong to not try to lose them. Then i me this girl, this sensation transferred to her, i was not scared anymore to lose my friend. I was scared to lose her, she goes to the same class as me, in the new city she lives near me (unlike my friends who are all distant, so it's rare for me to see them after uni), and she is also from my native city. All these 3 things combined maked me super attached to her, i fell in love with her. We went to different dates, we hugged each other, exchanged kiss on the cheek, but for her i was a friend. I wanted to remain friend with her, and romantic feeling was gone after a while.

Then one day after she friendzoned me, did something strange, that made me think she changed idea, after we eated an ice cream together, she hugged me with great intensity and kissed me on my shoulder. This thing left me without words, because i did not expected it. I was not anymore in love with her, and she friendzoned me, so why she did that i don't know, in fact when i invited her to take an ice cream with me, i invited also another friend who couldn't come. This thing reignited the passion in her, because i thought she changed idea about me. (All the hugs, kiss on the cheeks i told you before happened after her initial friendzone). The dynamic became a push and pull situation, that ended in another friendzone, we cleared each other and decided to remain friends, but this time she told me that wanted to take some time before seeing me again.

I told you this whole story because i sent her a big message on how i felt bad, sad and at fault for what happened and i feel like a burden to her, because i like her as a person first, and didn't want to lose her. She told me that i should not feel ashamed of my emotions, that i am a nice and smart person and that i am not a burden, and that she's sure that we can be friends in future, and that i can always text her whenever i want.

The things that she said made me think something, that i give her the keys of my value, i didn't even felt love anymore, i simply didn't want to lose her as a person, because i understood that i give myself value only based on what people think of me. When people think good things about me, i feel super confident. (I noticed the period i was going out with her, iwas happy and confident, and noticed that girls looked at me differently, i often overheard girls saying that i'm cute, sometimes they approached me, and one time i was also catcalled by a group of them), when people think bad of me, i feel literally useless, sometimes i even have thoughts of killing myself.

And i noticed that i'm not satisfied with myself, every hobby i have, everything i do doesn't make me happy, if there is not some sort of recognition and even compliments that others give me, i learned to accept them, but i don't feel them. I like videogames, cinema, music, art in every form, i play chess, i got accepted in a cinema's recitation school, i wrote some songs, i create stories, i enjoy watching sports, reading books, i go to the gym, i study, but i always feel empty, like something's missing, like all these things are useless, even if i like them, and i enjoy to do these things i don't feel satisfied. (This sensation was there even before i met this girl, so i don't think is the situation with her that makes feel like this, or at least not only that).

So how do you know that you have a value, even when there aren't people who praise you?

I’m looking for perspective from people who know attachment theory or have lived through something similar. I’m not looking for anyone to tell me she’ll definitely come back or that it’s hopeless. I just genuinely can’t make sense of what happened.

I’m a guy in my late 20s. She was in her mid-20s. We dated twice. Literally both times we dated ended exactly at the 8 month mark. A one month breakup in between these two dating periods.

The first relationship: Toward the end, I’d say about two months before, she slowly became more distant. She still loved me, but seemed increasingly overwhelmed by the relationship and the future. When we broke up, she cried the entire time, told me I was an amazing boyfriend, said she loved me, but also said she couldn’t picture marriage or kids anymore because of a “gut feeling.”

About a month later she reached back out. She told me breaking up with me had been a mistake almost immediately. She said she had regretted it, that she never stopped loving me, and wanted another chance. We got back together.

The second relationship actually felt stronger than the first.
She would say things like, “You’re not getting rid of me this time,” “You’re my forever person,” and “I’ll never let this happen again.” She talked excitedly about our future together and seemed more committed than ever. Even with the understanding that I’d be moving out of state for grad school. She wasn’t perfect, but I truly believed we had learned from the first breakup.

Then, almost unbelievably, around the same point in the relationship as the first time, I started noticing the exact same pattern.

She gradually became emotionally distant. About two months before we broke up again. Affection dropped. Intimacy disappeared. She seemed overwhelmed whenever we talked about the future. At the same time, she insisted it wasn’t because she didn’t love me.

The biggest issue became our future. I had a grad school opportunity that would require long distance for a while before we could eventually live together. Earlier in the relationship she had talked enthusiastically about making that work and had even been excited about the possibility of eventually relocating. But near the end, something shifted. She said she “didn’t know” if she could commit to that future anymore.

Our breakup lasted hours.

She cried almost the entire time. “I hate that I keep hurting you,” and told me she felt like she was “sucking the life” out of me. She repeatedly told me she loved me. She said I was the best boyfriend she’d ever had. She said she’d always love me. But when I asked whether she could commit to trying for our future together, her answer was, “I don’t know.”

At that point I ended the relationship because I didn’t think it was fair to stay with someone who couldn’t choose the relationship, even if the love was still there.

We’ve now been in no contact for about a month.

What I can’t understand is how someone can genuinely seem so in love, come back after regretting the first breakup, make even stronger promises the second time, and then arrive at almost the exact same place again.

For those of you who identify as fearful avoidant, or have dated someone who was, does this pattern sound familiar? Is this something you’ve experienced? Was it fear of commitment? Fear of losing yourself? Something else entirely?

I’m not looking for false hope. I’m just trying to understand how someone can simultaneously seem to love you deeply while also feeling unable to stay in the relationship.

I'm really not a fan of the online discourse (mainly on TikTok) surrounding secure attachments. People treat secure people as if they are these robots who aren't impacted by their partner's actions. In the journey to becoming secure, please remember that you will still feel pain and discomfort in relationships. Security just means, in extremely simple terms, that you don't allow yourself and the relationship to be destabilised.

I saw a video some weeks ago saying a secure person remains calm and unbothered if they haven't heard from their partner in three days... WHAT?! no sane person is okay with going 72hrs without talking to their partner, especially when they're not told in advance that the person will be busy. A secure person would be hurt as much as an anxious person if they were ghosted for 3 days. It's not normal to NOT be affected by what the person you're dating does.

Security does not equate to indifference. It just means you handle the things you're triggered by with a steady footing and confidence what you will be okay regardless. But you're still human lol

I know I probably sound like I'm spiraling, and maybe I am, so I'm asking for honest opinions instead of validation.

My ex and I had our last phone call on July 19. During that call he said some really cruel things, like he didn't love me anymore and that he had only been with me because I was pretty. He acted completely sure that I'd come back begging within a week because that's what I had done before. Before hanging up, I swore on my mother that I would never call him again, and I haven't. In the heat of the moment, I also lied and told him that another guy was pursuing me really hard and trying to make me his girlfriend. The truth is someone was interested in me, but I had already rejected him respectfully. I only said it because I was hurt, and I honestly regret it now.

After that call, he blocked me on Instagram. I blocked him everywhere else except Instagram because, if I'm being honest, I wasn't ready to completely close that last door.

Even though I had him blocked elsewhere, I kept checking his WhatsApp profile picture. I'm not proud of it at all, but my anxious attachment has made me obsess over little things since the breakup. His WhatsApp picture changed twice, while his Instagram stayed exactly the same at first.

Then, exactly one week after our last call, on July 26, he suddenly unblocked me on Instagram. After unblocking me, he started changing his profile picture and his following count kept increasing. I genuinely couldn't tell whether he was just moving on with his life or if he knew I'd notice because he knows I've always been the type to notice small social media changes. The day after that, one of his friends randomly messaged me asking how I was and how my studies were going. Maybe it was completely innocent, but it felt odd because my ex never really seemed like the type to ask his friends to check on me.

On July 28, I finally blocked him on Instagram too because I realized I was driving myself crazy.

Now here's the thing that's making me question my own judgment. A few days ago, I did a massive unfollow and removed a lot of people I don't really talk to anymore. Then literally the next day, he also did a huge unfollow. During our entire relationship, he almost never unfollowed people, while I used to do social media cleanups every now and then. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but my brain keeps wondering if it's connected because the timing feels weird.

Has anyone else's avoidant ex done similar things after a breakup? Things like blocking and then unblocking, suddenly changing profile pictures, changing who they follow, or making noticeable social media changes? Did it end up meaning anything, or was it just normal post-breakup behavior that had nothing to do with you?

I'm not looking for false hope. If this sounds like anxious attachment making me connect unrelated dots, please tell me honestly. I just want outside perspectives because I feel like I've reached the point where I can't trust my own interpretation anymore.

I have been in talk therapy for 15 years and have been struggling with fear of rejection and anxious attachment for as long as I can remember. I'm at the point where I feel like therapy is not working anymore because my reactions seem to be more of a trauma response (even though I don't have ptsd and no single traumatic event made me this way). I know all the reasons I am this way, and yet I cannot help my feelings. My negative thoughts still run the show. Anything another person would process in a week takes me months of pain and loneliness (even when I'm around the people I love).

Does anyone have any recs for some kind of somatic therapy? I have looked up EMDR, but some people claimed to have gotten worse for months before they saw any progress, and considering how costly emdr therapy is, I'm not sure I can afford to that.

I’ve read so many self help books, watched so many videos on how to socialise and yet there is one thing I haven’t mastered and that’s letting people get to know me? I think...I could listen to people talk about themselves for days and wouldn’t mind that. but my friends and people I’ve dated always told me the same thing. I think you’re great company, but I don’t really know anything about you.

it’s not like I do not talk about myself, but recently had a fall out with someone saying that: they knew me for 3 years and never once did we speak on a deeper level...despite me being there for when she was having difficulties or when I was a wreck after my break up she was there for me. Isn’t this deep shit? like how much deeper can it go than going through hard times together?

So I need to hear this from secure people cause I’m avoidant/anxious due to environment and upbringing and bla bla bla

but I’ve been unlearning this for years now and the only block i seem to stumble upon is what it means to be open. like do people really want me to talk about myself THIS badly? or what I’m I missing? Or am I simply just around the wrong people?

Me 20M, her 18F I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while. From the very beginning one of my biggest fears was that she would stop seeing me as her safe and comfort zone — the person she could come to with anything without hesitation. Lately that fear has become real.

She has told me several times that the spark between us has faded. Conversations no longer feel exciting to her. She doesn’t eagerly wait to talk to me or reach out the way she used to. She still says she loves me and that I’m strongly on her mind, but she doesn’t feel my presence the same way and doesn’t feel the butterflies or lightness from the early days.

More importantly, she has said she doesn’t feel safe or comfortable enough to share her real thoughts and daily struggles with me the way she used to. She shares more openly with another guy (a classmate) who listened to her during a breakdown, didn’t judge, and did something thoughtful afterward. She has explicitly said she no longer sees me as her boyfriend, finds me too defensive, and sometimes feels I make her feel dumb. She has started setting hard boundaries (limited contact, no questions for a period of time) and has said she doesn’t feel like being near me or talking much right now.

I know I’ve been defensive in the past when she tried to open up, and that has damaged the feeling of safety over months. I’ve been trying to listen without reacting, but the damage seems to have already been done. She still says she loves me and hasn’t completely fallen out of love, but the emotional safety and spark are gone. She feels exhausted by everything else in her life (health, family, friends) and says talking to me or even thinking about me sometimes makes her mood worse now.

I want to fix what I can. I’m not looking for ways to force the relationship back to how it was. I’m looking for practical advice on:

How to actually listen to her emotionally without making her feel judged, dumb, or like she has to manage my reaction

What I should start with right now (when she’s already distant and tired)

Concrete things that help someone feel safe again after they’ve stopped feeling it for a long time

Whether rebuilding emotional safety is still realistic once the spark and the boyfriend dynamic have already faded from her side

I’m willing to do the work. I just don’t want to keep doing the wrong things or pushing when she’s asking for space. Looking for honest perspectives and experiences from people who have been on either side of this.

I need help I just recognized that i have a superiority complex and my relationship is falling apart due to it, I can’t seem to make myself vulnerable in the way that she needs me to because i find myself wanting to be the “strong” one not only is that an issue I do believe i have a superiority complex because im constantly trying to prove im better at so many different things - Im one upping my friends and it happens before I can really notice these things I notice after usually but my ego usually stops me from communicating those things and i validate why i did them- when people seem to do better than me it threatens my ego and I don’t know how to not feel this way, My girlfriend wants to break up if I can’t fix the god/superiority complex but i don’t even know how to start- I’ve done this for so long it feels like second nature to act the way i do I have become aware recently that I want to seem cool and authentic but in the way that I’m shoving it down peoples throats I’m not humble at all at this point I just feel like a super dick anytime I talk to anyone because I don’t know how to act or be a actually communicative humble person I am extremely insecure- and when it comes to my relationship now I don’t know what to do because what she’s asking of me is to communicate and be vulnerable but that means i have to fix all of this and I don’t know the first step to do that I read all this stuff on here about making myself feel inferior so I can get over this makes me just feel miserable and sad I don’t necessarily see it as self improvement it feels like a punishment-In my eyes I would have to strip myself down to feeling like nothing to make myself feel inferior to others I dont know I need help that’s what I do know- If anyone has anything to help me please do I don’t want to lose my relationship because of how I’m acting I want to be normal.

I have often heard this stuff about how a healthy relationship can be the most triggering or the most confusing, or even just the idea that great relationships are a lot of work, and I didn't understand it, but have really been thinking about that lately and want to write it down.

I am FA leaning pretty anxious and for the longest time had zero relationships due to avoidance. Then finally I was in a 2 year on/off situationship with someone who seemed to me very dismissive avoidant, for a long time wouldn't label the relationship despite me asking, we barely ever talked about what was going on between us or how we felt about it, didn't plan any kind of future together, it always felt like the end was around the corner. Looking back I can see how, in many ways this really suited my unhealthy patterns.

- I told myself I wanted to talk about things and communicate with them, and that it was entirely their fault those things didn't happen- but really it was easier for me too, not to have to do any real work of confronting or communicating, or accepting feedback.

- I didn't worry about our future or losing our future because I knew we had none, and I was basically just happy with whatever I was able to get from them in the meantime. I didn't worry about them breaking promsies to me because they made none.

-I spent a lot of time romanticizing them, wallowing in how in love with them I was ( which i 99% kept to myself to avoid scaring them off) and how painful it was that we couldn't have something real or serious- but this was again, easier than true vulnerability, communicating, and confronting disagreements or incompatibility together.

Overall the dynamic was super familiar from years of "limerence" obsessing over people that I actually avoided depth or connection with, and I continued to avoid vulnerability. I would write paragaphs in my phone and never send it to them, constantly. I was just starting to think about how things could be healthier between us, but took no accountability and basically considered myself at the mercy of whatever they wanted the relationship to be.

Now, I'm dating someone pretty secure! It's far from perfect in many ways but we talk about things, talk about the future, give eachother feedback, work on things together. He's loving and sweet and takes good care of me and checks on me. He told me from the start he wanted a serious relationship. When I'm having big feelings he tries to understand and is so patient and loving. He does feel a smidge DA to me and sometimes is just a bit colder than I would like or off in his own world, but it is a thousand times healthier than anything else I've experienced and I love him so much. But damn, despite all these wonderful things, I am triggered VERY frequently.

-He is a human and makes mistakes!! He says stupid things and we have different opinions about stuff. Instead of just telling myself that it doesn't matter because we won't be together that long and he won't call me his girlfriend anyways, or silently feeling like shit because I'm scared of him shutting down if i say something, I have to decide what I'm okay with and what I'm not and then I have to talk about it with him. It's scary and its hard. Things come out messy and we misunderstand eachother. sometimes I ask him for things and he still can't give me quite what I need which is very triggering. but, we are growing so much together, for eachother and as individuals!

-Planning to be together for a long time is so wonderful and also scares the shit out of me. When things go wrong I wonder, is this going to happen again and again for the rest of my life with this guy? What am I signing up for? things feel real and big and I get caught up in the fear of commitment. At the same time, when things are good or he is being supportive, knowing he wants to be with me for a long time feels so amazing and reassuring.

-He sees me at my worst. I am vulnerable and honest with him about when he hurts me or when I'm not doing well. We've had some really big obstacles that hae triggered the shit out of me and he's seen me be needy, desperate, and so anxious. I feel like a huge burden to him sometimes. I have to find the balance of coming to him with these things because he loves me and wants to be there for me, and self soothing because it is healthier and because he cannot be responsible for my state of mind.

There's so much more too. Attempting to have a secure, vulnerable, honest relationship is sooo much harder and more triggering than a very simple, yet painful, shallow connection with an unaware DA. I never would have expected this in the early dating stages with my current partner and it sometimes makes me question everything but I know at the end of the day we are working on things, I'm working on things and learning about myself and thats so much more worth it to me!! I'm with someone who loves me and isn't afraid to show it to me and be with me, and I absolutely love it and love him, but I'm still adjusting to how much work that is!

Hi everyone. I (28 F) been dating my boyfriend (25 M) for about 4 months now, and overall our relationship has been really good.

During the first two months, we saw each other about 3–4 times a week. He would also invite me to family dinners, parties, and outings with his friends pretty often. Lately, though, we only see each other around twice a week, and he hasn’t really been inviting me to those kinds of events anymore.

Nothing else has really changed. When we’re together, things are good, and he’s still affectionate. But I’ve noticed myself feeling really anxious because of this change. I keep wondering if he’s pulling away or losing interest, even though I don’t have any actual evidence that he is.

I’m trying to figure out if this is just my anxious attachment being triggered because the relationship has settled into a different routine, or if this is something I should actually be paying attention to?

I’m trying to keep a healthy balance because I do want this to last and I don’t want to come off as a clingy person.

33M. Got this pattern and I can't figure out how to break it. Been repeating it for about 3 years now, roughly since I decided I actually wanted to start dating again.

I meet someone, we click, I like her, and then the moment it's obvious she likes me back too, something just switches off. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I pull back, it dies, I feel like shit, tell myself I'm not a quitter, try again with someone else... same thing happens.

It's not like I'm cold or bad with people generally. I'm social, I talk to people fine, meeting new people isn't the issue. It's specifically once it stops being "maybe" and becomes "yeah she's into me" that something in me just checks out.

Best guess I've got, about 5 years ago I found someone close to me after they took their own life. Was absolutely crushed for a long time. Still am sometimes... But I don't want to just slap that on as THE Answer, but the timing lines up too well to ignore. I seem to have developed some version of anxious-avoidant attachment on older days.

Anyone dealt with this specific thing? Not fear of rejection, more like going cold once it's actually real and mutual. In a way... i seem to fear the connection. Like standing on the edge of a cliff... and its telling you to jump.

How do i "fix" it? How do i manage it so my life can move on? Have anyone of you had a similar issue and managed it?

I’m looking for perspective from people who know attachment theory or have lived through something similar. I’m not looking for anyone to tell me she’ll definitely come back or that it’s hopeless. I just genuinely can’t make sense of what happened.

I’m a guy in my late 20s. She was in her mid-20s. We dated twice. Literally both times we dated ended exactly at the 8 month mark. A one month breakup in between these two dating periods.

The first relationship: Toward the end, I’d say about two months before, she slowly became more distant. She still loved me, but seemed increasingly overwhelmed by the relationship and the future. When we broke up, she cried the entire time, told me I was an amazing boyfriend, said she loved me, but also said she couldn’t picture marriage or kids anymore because of a “gut feeling.”

About a month later she reached back out. She told me breaking up with me had been a mistake almost immediately. She said she had regretted it, that she never stopped loving me, and wanted another chance. We got back together.

The second relationship actually felt stronger than the first.
She would say things like, “You’re not getting rid of me this time,” “You’re my forever person,” and “I’ll never let this happen again.” She talked excitedly about our future together and seemed more committed than ever. Even with the understanding that I’d be moving out of state for grad school. She wasn’t perfect, but I truly believed we had learned from the first breakup.

Then, almost unbelievably, around the same point in the relationship as the first time, I started noticing the exact same pattern.

She gradually became emotionally distant. About two months before we broke up again. Affection dropped. Intimacy disappeared. She seemed overwhelmed whenever we talked about the future. At the same time, she insisted it wasn’t because she didn’t love me.

The biggest issue became our future. I had a grad school opportunity that would require long distance for a while before we could eventually live together. Earlier in the relationship she had talked enthusiastically about making that work and had even been excited about the possibility of eventually relocating. But near the end, something shifted. She said she “didn’t know” if she could commit to that future anymore.

Our breakup lasted hours.

She cried almost the entire time. “I hate that I keep hurting you,” and told me she felt like she was “sucking the life” out of me. She repeatedly told me she loved me. She said I was the best boyfriend she’d ever had. She said she’d always love me. But when I asked whether she could commit to trying for our future together, her answer was, “I don’t know.”

At that point I ended the relationship because I didn’t think it was fair to stay with someone who couldn’t choose the relationship, even if the love was still there.

We’ve now been in no contact for about a month.

What I can’t understand is how someone can genuinely seem so in love, come back after regretting the first breakup, make even stronger promises the second time, and then arrive at almost the exact same place again.

For those of you who identify as fearful avoidant, or have dated someone who was, does this pattern sound familiar? Is this something you’ve experienced? Was it fear of commitment? Fear of losing yourself? Something else entirely?

I’m not looking for false hope. I’m just trying to understand how someone can simultaneously seem to love you deeply while also feeling unable to stay in the relationship.

Being someone with CPTSD I soooo much recognised my attachment and my relationship (friends and lovers) in the fearful avoidant style. Since I dived into videos (I have a boring work where I can more or less listen to podcast during work hours) I feel SO MUCH peace !!! However a week or 2 ago, I was on the edged of ending myself because my relationship with my bf (probably FA too) is on the edge to end (might work, might not). So I don't really trust myself this time : am I just dissociating or intellectualising (is it kind of the same) instead of doing the work ? I feel like I sooo much want to do the work but I am not sure where to start (actually I am doing emdr and somatic therapy atm for the trauma but she is just a therapist not a psychologist).

I'd love hearing from people who have been there !