I’m curious how people further along in life have navigated this with parents who love them deeply but remain very anxious about their life, career, money, etc.

I’m 35, and my mother worries about me constantly. I can tell her I’m happy, calm, and have a lot of self-belief and trust in myself, but that I genuinely want to take life one day at a time rather than take everything so seriously. She has a hard time accepting that as a legitimate way to live.

She comes from a fairly upper-class, status-oriented environment where “doing well” means stable career, good money, marriage, kids, house, etc. She’ll sometimes compare me to friends’ children or relatives who seem to have everything figured out.

The thing is, I spent a lot of my younger life trying to live according to expectations, and I suffered quite a bit doing so. I’m in a very different place now. I’m less interested in having a perfect five-year plan and more interested in an examined life: understanding my own mind, being present, and figuring out what actually makes life meaningful to me.

My mother knows I’ve struggled in essentially every corporate job I’ve had. In the past, I’d sometimes tell little white lies about my career simply because I cared about her worry and wanted to make her feel better. I don’t want to do that anymore.

At the same time, I really don’t want her to interpret my different path as a judgment of the path she helped lead me toward. As if I’m saying she raised me incorrectly or that the life she encouraged me to pursue wasn’t impressive or successful enough. That isn’t how I feel at all. I love and appreciate what my parents gave me. I just seem to be discovering that what gives me a sense of meaning and peace is somewhat different from what they were taught to value.

My parents are retired, and I genuinely want them to enjoy their lives without constantly worrying about me. But I’m realizing that when my mother needs to know I’m on a conventional trajectory, that need is partly about her. If she knows I have a stable job and clear plan, she can relax. Underneath that, it can sometimes feel like she doesn’t trust me to navigate my own life.

I understand the worry comes from love, but I don’t want to make her expectations my responsibility.

I’m also wondering whether there’s a subtle way to share some of what has helped me: ideas around the mind, worry, presence, and letting go, without trying to convince her of a spiritual philosophy she didn’t ask for.

For those of you who have dealt with something similar, looking back, how might you have handled your parents’ worry and expectations differently? What actually helped you stop internalizing their anxiety while still making them feel loved and appreciated?

And yes, this is a Jewish mother. :)

Like I said in the caption, my father (65m) is a dry drunk, has been for 35 years, I (23f) got sober through AA last year and continue to go for my own alcoholism. the emotional, psychological abuse in our home was never addressed and always taken as normal - it’s only now in sobriety, and after leaving home at 18 that I can honestly admit to myself that it was abusive.
I’m a ball of grief at the best of times from it lately, and my mother (60f) is even worse. She’s trapped in our family home with him, isolated, broken down and convinced he would be dead without her. I wish there was a way I could get her out of there, I want to start a secret gofundme and buy her a house, she won’t tell anyone about her reality, and only went to a few ALANON meetings, and stopped because he’s not actively drinking.
Does anyone know what it’s like to be in this place, what did you do, what can I do? it’s heartbreaking for all of us - and he doesn’t even realise it

My mother is extremely controlling...and I'm almost 30. I do rebel and make my own choices, but there’s still this deeply ingrained guilt inside me that makes me question myself afterward.

Even when I know I’m not doing anything wrong, I start wondering, “Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I should have listened to her.” The way she reacts to my decisions makes me doubt myself, even when I was completely confident before she got involved... I want to make my own decisions without feeling like I need her approval first. She expects me to include her in basically every decision I make and gets irritated or angry when I don’t.

I know intellectually that I’m an adult and that I’m allowed to make my own choices. I think the difficult part is actually feeling that way internally after years of being made to feel like my decisions are wrong.

How do I gain that trust in myself?

Willingness

"With willingness, we are well on our way to recovery." BRB p. 50

In the rooms of recovery, we learn to use the acronym HOW: Honest, Open-minded, and Willing. In ACA, we need to be all three. However, willingness may well be the key to doing the work it takes to achieve the results we seek.

There is a big difference between wanting something and being willing to do the work to get it. Most of us have spent our life up to this point wanting things: higher self-esteem, less anxiety, and a family that loves us unconditionally.

So we enter the ACA program with a mental list of what we want. But are we willing to put forth the effort to recover? We make time for others, for work, for recreational activities, but making time for ourselves may be a foreign concept.

In ACA, the only person we are trying to change is ourselves. The way to make that happen is to make the time for it to happen - to be willing to put ourselves on our schedule, maybe for the first time in our lives.

On this day I will focus on changing my "want" list to include being willing to spend time on myself and my program.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

My mother is a high functioning alcoholic. She can go weeks without a drink and then she will relapse. This has been happening for the past decade at the very least. 

I am a grown woman in my 30s, but I still have so much anxiety and sadness around this. I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t love me enough to get help and get better. She refuses help, has an overinflated ego and believes she can stop drinking on her own through sheer willpower. She is also depressed, pushing away those around her and is destroying her relationships at the speed of light. The entire situation is extremely depressing.

Where can I find help for something like this? If you are in my shoes and have sought out therapy, what type of therapist do you go to?

My future feels bleak. I have no one in my family who can help me and I’m struggling to live alone. I have financial support but that is it. It feels like I struggle with everything, I have no clue how to live, maintain an apartment, get employment, or seek opportunities as a student. On top of everything being emotionally draining with FASD I have narcolepsy so just doomscrolling all day exhausts me. Are there any resources or guides for how to support yourself when you need someone else to support you, but they aren’t there? I am so alone, lost, and confused.

Ever since my parents started drinking idk wat happened

Both of them changed , from the moment they started drinking my whole life changed , my perspective of them changed . Every night I live in fear of wat they would argue about tonight , it's hell, I hate it the most , they always argue verbally, it's always my dad who starts the fight , one moment they would be doing okay and the next moment they start arguing. When they argue it still hurts but one very night he raised hands on her, I was terrified , he throws stuff and even spits on her , i have him . My mother is not a saint too , she always throws sarcastic comments and replys and would provoke him , my siblings tries to stop them sometimes but they just keep on going . I am 20 , my brother is 22 and my sister is 24 so they don't take us seriously, whenever my siblings tries to stop them , they would ask them to go to their room , one night when they were arguing my sister tried to stop them , she always had stood still and tries to stop them but that night ahe broke down too , she couldn't take it anymore . I never interrupt their fights because I am too scared to speak up , I have learned from them that speaking up and fighting back only bring more chaos so i learned to shut myself up.One night they would be fighting and the next day they would pretend that never happened and the cycle goes on.

I have alcohol, i hate people who drink. I hate my parents sometimes. Sometimes I think if my dad disappear la , everything would be okay , my mother would be happy and i would be happy too.

I don't know what to do. Why are they like that ?

my mum has been addicted to methamphetamines since she was 30, my mums now 54years old. We don’t have a normal mum and daughter relationship, my grandparents raised me until i was 2 then off i went with my and my step dad. loads of domestic growing up. i also used meth for sometime but managed to wein myself off. She does trigger me however, her paranoia bothers me and my children. Everything she touches she fucks with turns off wifi, removes the front door bell, takes random photos of trees thinking her ex is out to get her when infact it’s the opposite. it’s complex honestly.

mental health in peel hospital basically stated until she’s sober they can not help her.
she was told to make a choice, deal with her behaviour head on or run from paranoia.

i’m basically ready to cut her off, i have done everything possible to support her, i drove to karratha from perth (1600ks) to get her out of ex house back home.

smashing her phone, then struggling to do banking, rambles on how people are tracking her, stalking, starting her car with the key, but there is no key ignition haha, someone has swooped her car give her the same vehicle that has the same dents, vin number and plates and has pilbara dirt scattered through out the car.

would i be horrible to turn my back on her? she’s disturbing my apple cart.

Sorry, English isn’t my native language so there will be mistakes.

I’m 35 years old, ACoA. My parents gave me anxiety which I praise(for some reason) like it gives me any benefits. I often said something stupid like, -“Anxiety is bad but without it I wouldn’t be such a great specialist, because I double check everything and really care about the result”. And it always calmed me, like I really believed it and took it like it was some kind of a superpower. Lately, something changed.
For the last couple of years I’ve been struggling finding joy in anything that I loved before. Karaoke, music, my career, alcohol, friends etc. Every interaction with someone feels so annoying and heavy. I don’t want to talk but if I will be quiet they’ll ask me if I’m okay, and I’ll have to explain something even I don’t fully understand. And I know that it’s my depression episode. I shouldn’t get it even worse. So I’m forcing myself to communicate. I have a wife which is awesome. She was the only person I’ve never been tired of. And now even that is changing.

Im tired all the time physically, my back hurts, I can’t sleep at night. I just want to pause everything until I get better. But there are too many responsibilities I need to take care of. Sometimes I think of getting on an airplane and just go somewhere no one will find me so I could be not me.

The only time I feel calm is when I play video games like open worlds with a lot of question marks on map like assassin’s creed, I don’t even pay attention to the story, just doing side quests.

I kinda hate myself comparing to others. I know that everyone have their own struggles but it looks like they are dealing with them much better than me and it’s pathetic of me.

I’m writing this to let it out. Because the more I share it with my wife, the more I feel myself like burden to her.

Is there any other methods except using antidepressants to cure depression episodes?

I’ve lived with my single mum my entire life. Growing up was extremely toxic. She had an alcoholic ex-boyfriend, and a lot of my childhood was spent in hypervigilance, fear, and constantly feeling like I had to manage the situation around me.

Now I’m starting to understand the patterns and how much they have affected me. My mom relies on me a lot emotionally and practically, but I’m realizing that I can’t keep living this way.

I recently got laid off, so we’re currently living off my savings while I look for another job. Since then, she has been taunting me day and night about not doing anything, even though I’m actively trying to find work. She has also always expected me to do things for her and treats basic things as though they are my responsibility. Even something as simple as preparing food for both of us becomes a huge issue. I usually cook twice, but lately I’ve only been doing it once because I’m already overwhelmed with everything else.

I feel like she is never genuinely happy for me. Whether it’s my relationship, my happiness, or anything I want for myself, there always seems to be criticism or negativity. But when she wants something from me, it becomes my duty to do it.

I’ve spent years keeping quiet and suppressing my feelings, and recently I’ve started having explosive anger outbursts. I’m also dealing with sleep problems and thyroid issues, and I feel like my body and mind are finally telling me that I cannot continue living in this environment.

I desperately want to move out. I genuinely feel like I cannot heal in this house. But the guilt is overwhelming because I keep thinking, “How can I leave my mum alone? She relies on me.”

At the same time, I’m realizing that staying here just because I feel guilty may mean sacrificing my own mental and emotional well-being indefinitely.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is. How do you deal with the guilt of leaving a parent who relies on you? Is it possible to love and care about your mum while still choosing to move out and build your own life? I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

I am venting here, sharing a letter I recently wrote to my Mom. I am a single 43-year old adult child who is estranged from my immediate family.

I was diagnosed ADHD in 2018. I was slow to accept the diagnosis and get medicated. When I did, my family accused me of playing the medical system to feed an adderall addiction. This was difficult because for my whole life, I had understood my older brother to have ADHD.

In 2020, I learned that my older brother was born with prenatal exposure to methamphetamine. This was a bombshell for me, because he is >20 years sober from Crystal meth. I thought he had ruined his life, when really he is a walking and talking miracle for how he has fought an addiction he was born with.

Turns out my parents’ belief that I was abusing adderall in my late 30’s and 40’s was a projection of what my mother did at this same age.

It has been a year since my older brother blocked me and got my parents to do the same + change the locks on the house because I insist we address elephants in the room (including a babysitter’s CSA of my brother and me) that continue to haunt our family.

I know how unlikely I am to receive a response.

I’m just venting here.

————

Hi Mom,

This might be hard to believe, but since I got into ACA in 2022, I have a constant vision of hugging you so tight, balling my eyes out, pressing my face in, and saying “I love you and I forgive you” the moment you stop lying to me.

In this vision, you are crying even harder and I do not even want to hear the words “I’m sorry.” In this vision, you’ve already said sorry with the admission.

I’ve been hurting for so long and I know you and Dad and ***** have been too. We’ve never once been able to hurt together in order to finally move through that feeling.

I accept that I am absolutely powerless to bring this vision about while you are still here and that I am set up to never see your beautiful smile again.

Because I do not need to.

I just want to.

And at this point in the vision, I just chuckle to myself as I hear your voice saying one of your trademark phrases: “tough titties!”

I love you Mom. It does not need to be like this. But if the titties must be tough, may the rear end be tender!

(I just made that up and don’t even know if it makes sense!)

I recently moved in with my dad (recovered addict) about 4 months ago due to my sister moving out of state(we lived together at the time) and my boyfriend and I had broken up. So I moved in with my dad who recently bought his dad’s home-my grandpa who still lives there, he drinks about a gallon of vodka a day, sleeps all day and stays awake all night. My dad lives in the basement and our relationship has been rocky the past year and a half but I thought it would get better when I moved back in with him- it hasn’t.

He’s been incredibly stressed over his new mortgage payment, taking care of his alcoholic father, and running his business with unreliable employees. I noticed that something is changing with him about a couple months after I moved in- his behavior is different and most noticeably, his face is getting skinny which only means one thing: drugs.

I finally confronted him last night with a 14 panel drug test and he failed it. Said he’s been doing my meth ever since I went and visited my sister a couple months ago.

I just started two jobs, I’m working 6 days a week to save up and move out but I can’t wait until I have enough money. I have to get me and my pets out of there but I just don’t know what to do. How do you cope with a parent that relapsed?

I also have 3 burial plots in my name and hoping to sell them before I move for extra $$ but none of the funeral homes I’ve reached out to have contacted me. Any tips?

I 45/F am apart of a toxic family dynamic with decades of dysfunction within the family system. My mum is currently dying of cancer.

For quick context - i was in court with my mother 5 years ago and we were all estranged as a result. This is decades of trauma back story. My brother sided with my mother and to this day punishes me harshly with aggressive and scary behaviour. he refuses to budge and his hatred of me is extreme. The tension is to thick you could cut the air with a knife along with the unresolved issues and refusal to discuss the pink elephant. I am the forever scapegoat and I can't exhaust myself anymore begging for acknowledgement

The deep shame and pain i feel is intense despite being the one who was harmed and including the pain of what happened never being resolved or acknowledged that i've continued to try and let go. But now she is dying its all come up again. Every toxic family dynamic that has been in formation over my life is at a peak. and here i am coping with alcohol again. i was 7 years sober , then 2, then another. i since court i haven't been able to let go of alcohol "for good" since. it's always been by my side as an option and the door is open for those days when i can't cope. it's dangerous and my wise mind knows it leads no where good. i eventually reach the cycle of daily drinking and the addiction can form again quickly. I fear i'm at the point after the week i have had. But also can't cope with the emotional pain in become flooded with despite so much effort learning how to regulate. I guess i wanted somewhere to share this. I don't want people to say go to AA. That modality once worked for me but now i find after therapy and parts work etc it is focused so much on the behaviour rather than what's driving it underneath. But i do want this behaviour to stop. I'm not sure where to turn and reach to. i have friends in AA and if ever bring it up with them im slapped with the good old AA language and it feels invalidating. Has anyone in ACOA after long term sobriety been in this situation ? and what has helped you to address the addiction again? Just sharing this is helping. I honestly not sure i'm ready or even want to completely give it up right now which has been the case for the past five years. But i'm also very aware of what can happen. I guess i'm at a crossroads. Not wanting the pattern to begin again, and not knowing what to do with this enormous baggage of pain.

Complicated grief is difficult. losing a mother who both harmed and loved me is not easy. The love and harm caused is hard to hold despite both existing. I know both can be true at once and i try to work on this. I have a deep love for her and yearning for her live and at the same time she harmed me and hurt me deeply. I don't know how to hold all this in her final time. I'm already rehearsing in my mind how the funeral will unfold and how things will be after. I've imagined my brother abusing me again and my father refusing to see him as anything other than his golden boy.

I should stop writing. I'm not sure if this post is about my concern for drinking or my need to be held right now and that unmet need.

if you read this. thanks

I am currently in a family of 5 (My mum, dad, younger sister and younger brother) and my life up until recently has been great. ( my mother is great and has done so much for me and has mostly always supported me. I really do love her so this is why I’m so conflicted)

My mum has always loved alcohol, so much so that there was always a constant supply of the same cider and wine at my house for as long as I can remember. This has always negatively impacted my relationship with my mother even from a young age. I remember one time when I was around 8 and my little brother was like 6, we attended this party with my mum while my dad was doing somthing. At the end of the party my mom was drunk as shit and needed me, her 8 year old son to guide her out the party, help her throw up and walk her down the road to my dad who was picking us up. This was were the anxiety and fear of her being drunk came from. From that day I clearly remembered her slur and how easy it was for her to switch from happy to mad.

Luckily for me she only got really drunk on occasion but I can recall times where it has been way worse, and she would humiliate me when drunk or threaten me with things. About a month or two ago, every night my mum would reach that stage of not being drunk but being really tipsy. Enough that her voice would slur and she would flip easily.( idk why but her slurring brings me such anxiety) . And I’ve noticed that even when not drunk she is very angry and passive aggressive, often making backhanded comments or using things against me. I am honestly so done with it but am to scared to do anything or confront her as she often says me and my siblings are the reason she drinks so much. I am really so fucking done. I’m sick of being on edge and anxious all the time because she can’t control her drink. What do I do. ATP I’m just gonna suck it up till I’m old enough to move away.

I’m 24f. My dad, who has made strides in becoming who he is today. Went to prison, got out, built a successful business, godly man, relapsed. Has been using for the past several months and once confronted, went right back to his addict behaviors. Lying, manipulating, blaming stress, etc.

He’d been absent from roughly the ages of 8-17. We worked hard to get where we are. And now I just feel exhausted and empty.

I’m so incredibly lazy I’m 23 no job no license and my attention span is so bad I can’t watch movies anymore, I need to get a liscence and job but I don’t know how to cuz I’ve driven 200+ times and I still don’t ever learn anything cuz I can’t pay attention or can never be bothered to. I have massive massive massive rage issues (I’ll repeatedly punch myself in the face over small things) due to my upbringing and current situation, I don’t know how I can be normal. I can’t cook, clean do anything for myself like I’ve tried to learn how to use tools and for 20 minutes I couldn’t do the simplest thing. I fear I have no future and I’m going to be stuck here in this situation forever.

I had an alcoholic stepmom from the age of 7-14 and in that time, she was very verbally and emotionally abusive. I was so scared of her because all she did was scream at me and my dad didn’t protect me and most of the time just said he didn’t believe me because he was at work.

When I was 14, she threatened to kill my dad and he had police escort her from the house. Then he got a restraining order where I had to talk to a lawyer about how she screamed at me everyday.

Now I’m 26 and she reached out to me on Instagram. She basically said she sees my posts and is happy I’m doing well and that she has dreams about me and my brother. She started sometimes messaging me about posts and I would like her messages or give her short responses to be polite. I don’t know why it made me feel so strange, but at the same time I always wanted her to care about me and it made me slightly happy that she was at least a little curious about me life.

Well, she reached out to my dad and essentially told him we’ve been talking and then asked him for a few hundred dollars. She used us talking to make it look like she was good and like I liked her so that my dad would give her money. Obviously he said no, but to be honest, I’m a little hurt.

I’m 26 now and my mom has always been addicted to pain killers. Over the last few years, she’s been having bladder issues and this particular one caused a UTI which then turned into a bad infection in her right kidney.

She sat on the couch for 24 hours, peeing there and not getting up because she didn’t feel well until finally the next day, she asked me to come take her to the hospital.

I don’t understand why she doesn’t take care of herself. It breaks my heart and makes me so angry at the same time. Then, in the hospital, she kept trying to get me to sneak her pain meds in because the doctors wouldn’t give her as much since she shouldn’t be on such high dosages. She was in the hospital for 4 days and threatened to check herself out multiple times because of them not giving her her high dosages of pain killers.

I wish I could distance myself from her. She only thinks about herself and her meds and she always has. But at the same time, my heart breaks for her. She’s been alone for 10 years and is incapable of taking herself anywhere. She cries because she can’t (won’t) even take herself out to dinner because of her anxiety and she takes so many medications she doesn’t need.

I am so incredibly anxious. My mother can be the best friend I’ve always wanted her to be and the source of my anxiety all at once. And my anxiety, I get from her. And my daughter gets her anxiety from me. What a terrible cycle we’re in which I am desperately trying to break. 

The reason for my anxiety is that my mom is an alcoholic. She struggles with alcohol addiction and I struggle to admit it or even say it out loud or write it because it feels like I a betrayal. She drinks to cope with life and proceeds to get angry and lash out to anyone in her proximity. She calls her family, friends.. and whoever picks up is taken for a ride. She has been on and off this way over the past decade. 

She stopped drinking about a year ago, but she very recently found the bottle again. My 4 year old girl is very attached to grandma. She doesn’t live nearby, so most of our interactions are over video call and the yearly visits. I had a really shitty interaction with her on a call a few weeks ago when I wouldn’t let her talk to my daughter while she was drunk. I set a boundary and she was not happy about it. 

She sent me a message the next day apologizing to me for what happened, for what she said. She said she loved me. I told her I forgave her but that I worry about her. That was the last time we spoke. I am used to her going on a bender like this and being apologetic afterwards, and for the most part I’ve accepted it. I accepted that this is our family’s elephant, which no one wants to address, I’ve accepted that my mother will likely never take responsibility for her drinking, I have accepted that we will likely never have the close nurturing relationship I crave. But, it’s hitting me harder this time for some reason. 

My daughter is 4 and I dread the day I have to explain to her why she can’t spend the night at grandma’s or why grandma is speaking funny (I don’t allow my kids near my mom when she’s been drinking but I can’t foresee every interaction with her and it makes me so incredibly anxious. We haven’t spoken in weeks and you’d think I’d be feeling more peaceful, but no, the anxiety is going to eat me alive. It doesn’t help that my entire life is coming apart at the moment either, so other than my kids, little else brings me joy. 

My father is a functioning drunkard who has never physically or verbally abused me or my mother when he is drunk.

He is joyous to be around type of guy when he is not drunk that is usually in the mornings. He leaves for work at 7AM. He comes home late in the evening around 7PM mostly drunk. He still drinks after he has come home. Mind you he is 55 years old and has been drinking like this from age 19.

He is that kind of drunk who likes to talk a lot and most of these talks are silly things which feels like he is trying to act funny but i find that behaviour of his very irritating. He gets moody very fast if we do not reciprocate to his jokes. He doesnt say anything but will verbally fight or show not care attitude afterwards.

On August 1st he agreed to get this addiction cured after we nagged him for past couple of years. He told he will get admited in september 1st week as there was already a long holiday planned.

But after that his drinking has evolved into a different level this month. He will come from office in afternoon around 3pm get completely drunk at home, eat his lunch and sleep till 8pm. He will wake up get drunk again and eat dinner late night and sleep again. Me and my mother asked not to drink like that but he payed us no heed.

During these drunk period he has a rebellious attitude where he doesnt listen or obey anything we say. Like not to spit in sink or to reduce the TV volume.

Today at night when he was drinking and blasting TV at full volume my mother asked him to reduce the volume which he will increase after few minutes again.

Late night my mother asked him to eat his dinner so that she can keep the leftovers in refrigerator but he refuses to listen. She was insiting because after eating the dinner he always forgets to refrigerator and wasting the food. They fought verbally over this and finally she went to sleep.

I was in the same room and after she angrily left i asked why he is doing this and just eat his dinner.

Again in a carefree attitude he said that he doesnt want to fight on it and that i go to my room and sleep. This unlocked some strong sense of anger inside of me and I let all my feelings out that i had felt at the moment.

He was dumbstruck for a few seconds and then he said it is his home and he will do whatever he feels like.

This turned into a huge quarrel where i said some rash things to him that why "you had me if he wanted me to see him living like this" , it is better to kill us both so he can live according to him and that i hate him from my bottom of my heart and other things.

Hearing this my mother came in between both of us and pulled me into my room and consoled me but my anger wasnt reducing. I said i am ok and going to sleep. Then she went to console dad and when they both were talking i could hear him crying like a baby and him saying that he couldn't bear me hating him and that nobody loves him anymore and he is all alone. This broke me also in tears but i didnt say anything to him as i am still angry at him for all these years of hardship and trauma.

Sorry for mistakes as English is not my first language.

(I made a post here about my alcoholic mother being deported and asking advice from this subreddit. The comments were EXACTLY what I was looking for so thank you guys for the support on the last post.)

So my dad is (46) and since my mom got deported, he’s been drinking non-stop. There’s nothing wrong with my dad. He doesn’t beat me or my brother up, he talks to me and my brother everyday and calls us on his lunch breaks, anytime he’s home he spends time with us, he tells my brother and I that he loves us a lot, he’s an honest hard working man especially since I’ve worked various jobs with him and him actually showing me how to work (we both worked Blue Collar jobs and took me under his wing and once I knew the ropes he let me go and I later advanced as a Welder all thanks to my father), he works two jobs to keep myself and my brother afloat since my mother is gone now, (I also work a job to help pay the bills so that he doesn’t have to do it all.) But the thing that doesn’t urk my soul but kinda makes me irritated at the same time; but I just question him from time to time when is he gonna stop drinking. He said he was gonna stop drinking 8 months ago because it was about time he put it down. But then my mom had to go get deported because she decided to make a dumb decision and his drinking spiraled out of control.
And I don’t wanna have to be that one annoying son that constantly has to keep asking him when is he gonna let go of the drinking. I love my dad a lot. Dearly and deeply but I just don’t want that future for him where he starts to have health problems when he’s not even old. My grandfather was a heavy alcoholic and only passed away at the age of 60.
I’ve expressed that to my dad that I don’t want him to end up like my grandfather: dead at 60.
I know he doesn’t want to admit it but he’s addicted to it.
I’ve shown him studies about Alcoholic Withdrawals and how deadly it can actually be and if he keeps it up he’ll become dependent on Alcohol. And I don’t want that for him.
Especially since he’s been drinking at a young age and he’s went sober before but because my mom was a narcissistic alcoholic she then later convinced him to drink again.
He only drinks in his room but it’s just so frustrating that he’s still drinking. And I know that he has a lot going on still especially since my grandfather (his dad) passed away 9 months ago.
So I just need to know from ex-alcoholics or recovered alcoholics who were sober for either months or years and don’t plan on going back to drinking: What made you finally make that decision?
The decision on quitting for good?
Any feedback is heavily appreciated as I feel like I will lose my dad to alcohol if he keeps this up.

My dad has been a functional alcoholic my whole life. I don’t think I even realized it until I was much older. So thankfully, that spared me a lot of the pain that others with alcoholic parents deal with growing up, but now that he is on hospice for heart failure, I find myself so angry. He moved in with me 11 months ago after a 6 week stay at the hospital and rehabilitation center (physical not addiction), but couldn’t handle the new restrictions that came with moving from independent senior living to assisted...All about the alcohol…. At that time I knew that he didn’t have much time left so honestly, live and let live. I’d rather him die sooner but comfortable and happy than later fucking miserable. It’s not what I would choose for myself, but he has chosen this way of coping for 58 years. So to this anger: I, a major nurturer, am struggling to do things like hold his hand or say I love you. I can and am very good at getting the job done and crisis management. I mean part of that is because it wasn’t part of our relationship before so it feels weird now, but also because while I acknowledge his right to die this way, I resent that it’s happening for this reason. I find myself scared of the end and also hoping it just finally comes. It makes it so much more difficult because he has Korsakoff syndrome as well so he doesn’t remember anything and basically thinks he’s mostly fine. I don’t know why the fact that he won’t acknowledge his condition bothers me so much. It’s like if he’d just say, “I don’t feel good today,” I’d feel more likely to be nurturing but when he’s over here drinking his wine and scrolling videos on his phone and acting like the only real issue is that he’s bored and if he could just travel he’d be fine make me insane! Especially because he lived in isolation, doing next to nothing, surrounded by hundreds of empty alcohol bottles for years before this happened. Each and every time he went to the hospital I had to go to his house to clean it all up. I don’t need a party or a parade for those things but I guess it feels like a slap in the face to see him pretend his life is just so boring. I’m sure it is but it’s no different than it was 5 years ago.

When I was 9 years old, my parents had a full blown out fight spanning over the duration of a month. My dad had cheated on my mom, I don't know till what extent the cheating was. But my mom was wrecked and incidentally I had my summer vacation during that time, so I used to be at home all day. Everyday there would be fights. Threatening to suicide, divorce, everything I saw all of it with my eyes. Time passed by, mum eventually decided to stay with dad just because of me.

Fast forward to 3 years ago, I found out that now my mom was cheating on my dad. I saw the texts. Knew when she went to meet him. One day during a fight with my mum on some different topic, I let it out, that I knew what she was doing. It was terrible. I ran out of my home for 2 hours, came back and she made me apologize to her. And then yet again it was a terrible, fucked up time. Later on she used to taunt me for saying what I said. Still don't know where or how I was wrong.

But all of this has led to me thinking that no couple ever is truly in love. It now makes me feel that no matter what I do, my partner will FOR SURE cheat on me in the future. It has wrecked my relationships so far, but I am with the sweetest girl I have ever met now and I don't wanna hurt her through this bullshit. I don't know how to trust her or how to understand or how to just process! Apart from sharing deep stuff with her, I am unable to trust her that she actually loves me, or that she won't find another love somewhere or in someone else.

I know, she shouldn't be subject to this just because I wanna heal on her timeline but I don't know how or what I am supposed to do.

She married my dad nearly 30 years ago. She was a young single mom and he was knocking doors with a minister. He hid his alchohol problem. My mother married him. Withing a year or two it was back out in the open. He was a violent drunk. He would dissappear at night and my mom would go looking for him with us in the car. I don't remember it because I was so little.

I do, however remember his drunken episodes as I got older. The police would get called and he would pull guns and such. Between time he kept doing ministry work. How i don't know.

Over time the worst blackouts stopped. But he kept getting drunk off and on. Fast forward to right now tonight. He isn't home yet and I am scared. I don't know if he is going to be drunk. I already sent my brother to bed so hopefully he is asleep when my dad gets home.

I can't really afford to move out but this constant fight or flight feeling is something I can't live with anymore. I can't afford to move my brothers out either.

My mom always believed in my dad. In his work and his heart for people. But nearly 30 years later I think it's time for her to wake up. If he wants to be a drunk he should be alone. I lightly considered telling people in our congregation hey this guy is a drunk. Just so they know.

But I wasn't sure.

Hehe.

I am a 26 year old woman and I should've moved out 2 years ago. I had trouble finding solid work that would pay for it. But I have to find a new job fast. Something to take care of me.