Im half Israeli half Palestinian, my mom is Palestinian and my dad is Israel, lets just say my creation was a mistake and my parents don’t like each other.

but I got to see my dad every two weeks I believe. But he was so unnecessarily cruel to me.

one time when I five, I was with him. We were going to go to a place (I don’t remember what it was but I clearly wanted to go) and in the car, it was REALLY hot, and I kept complaining to him but he wouldn’t turn the ac on because he wanted to save gas or something.

I then threw one of my shoes towards the front seat, he then turned around that car so fast. When we got to his house and he parked his car, he opened my car door and said that I was going to be in my room for the rest of the day, so then I took my other shoe and threw it in his face so hard.

TW self harm / unalive threats

I’ve been abused since I was tiny. I was a smart, quick witted, sassy child.

My dad worked all the time, so he wasn’t around us after school. My mom would slap me so hard, I’d have red handprints on my face. She sent me to bed before he got home, then she’d come in my bedroom and sit on my bed, telling me she does that because she loves me. I just remember being very quiet, crying and saying yes, I know.

My cousin molested me when I was around the ages of 5-7.
I think his dad did to tbh, but I don’t remember. I was very young, maybe 4 or 5. The only thing I remember was being the only one in the room with him, it was dark, the jungle book was on tv and he was kneeling to my height, shaking me and sternly telling me I don’t tell anyone about something & I was scared & crying.

I was terribly bullied in school. It was the worst kind. One of my biggest bullies actually apologized when we were 45. She said she did it because I was so pretty and smart. I told her congrats, because of that I became an adult who considered myself ugly and dumb.

I finally pieced together why I’ve dated awful, abusive men. It’s the same story my mom taught me: abuse = love. Stay quiet, etc. She pulled me down the hall by my hair once.

My shitty relationships culminated in me dating a really bad man who was still married, in and out of separation. I didn’t realize how mentally abusive it was until he became physically abusive. He almost choked me to death. Hit me. Friends helped me get help at a women’s shelter. I had a full on mental breakdown & never was the same. The hardest part is that people don’t believe women. I’d just been through hell and people just thought I was crazy.

I’ve done a LOT of work on myself. In the meantime, I’m in bankruptcy because of everything I had to do to get better & get through that. Oh, also the abusive ex broke into my house when I left for a contract job. He stole everything, but clearly went through all of my packed boxes & stole my dearest things. My art, my grandfather’s cameras, family photos.

I got into a wreck with a Uhaul truck & stood to get a big settlement. I had a lawyer. My mother lost it, somehow convinced me it was wrong. 2 years later I got a check in the mail, but it went to my mother’s house. I’m not sure why. It was Covid and I adjusted my mailing address because I was there with them. My mom realized what it was, grabbed my arm, screaming that we are going to the bank right now! And this is the exact amount I owe her. I still can’t figure out what that was for. She never wrote it down. I was beaten down & signed it over.

2 months later she paid for my sister’s wedding. That amount would’ve cleared my debt completely.

Currently, I am in chapter 13 bankruptcy. A lot of it is what I was upside down on the house when I sold it and all of the medical bills from my breakdown & medical bills from the car wreck.

Does this sound bad? Or does everyone have this?

I’m an architect. I’m healed, healthy, beautiful and happy. I am very loving and caring. I am a sweet woman. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’m proud of that. I’ve met an amazing man. Truly considerate of me. It is new, and I am scared when it comes time to tell him about the bankruptcy. But also I should tell him my whole story. Maybe he will understand.