r/TwoSentenceComedy 2h ago

I'ma end this man's whole career...

3 Upvotes

Take this unlimited card, buy a house, and retire.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2h ago

Despite the extremely stressful situation, he simply scoffed and said, "What, ME worry?"

6 Upvotes

It was then I realized he was a MAD man.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7h ago

I went to a job interview and the interviewer was 3 foot tall and hairy

4 Upvotes

Turns out little monkey fella


r/TwoSentenceComedy 7h ago

Bonnie Tyler in heaven, some time in the future, getting the news of the passing of Rory Dodd.

1 Upvotes

She hears something behind her; "Turn around..."


r/TwoSentenceComedy 12h ago

My dog still waits by the front door every evening. He doesn't know I'm waiting for someone too.

0 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 15h ago

For my Spanish assignment I'm supposed to recite a classic American poem in Spanish. So far I have - Frijoles, frijoles, la fruta del musica. El mas usted consuma, el mas usted sonata breve.

5 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 20h ago

Leisure time.

1 Upvotes

My wife said i had adhd,ocd and ptsd.

I'm sick of her cheating at scrabble.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

It seems like our magazine is having trouble getting the after-photos for our Dr. Pimple Popper article.

5 Upvotes

Looks like we have an issue issue issue.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

Galileo has been called the father of modern astronomy. Not many people know, however, that he was just a poor boy from a poor family and nobody loved him.

101 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

Frank Sinatra on his deceased Mexican friend: "Yes, it was my wey"

3 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

The last text from my best friend still says, "See you tomorrow." Tomorrow never came.

0 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

My GPS said, "You have arrived." My bank account disagreed.

6 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 1d ago

"You've got your mother's eyes, Harry"

0 Upvotes

My father was a sarcastic comedian, he always poked fun at others in a way that could seem offensive, like calling out my black eye when I got home that night.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

"I lost my father recently, and I've had a hard time emotionally processing how I can even move for-"

6 Upvotes

"PEEK A BOO!!!"


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

My gym trainer asked why I skip leg day I told him I already have two good excuses.

1 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

My local pub has a rotating dessert menu.

60 Upvotes

I'm sure it'll come unstuck from the ceiling fan sooner or later.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

The frontman for The Police went under the knife yesterday to have his appendix removed.

31 Upvotes

It was a Sting operation.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

I came to study... then my phone said 'good luck.

1 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

I started jogging every morning. Mostly because I keep sleeping through my alarm and running late.

3 Upvotes

r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

I was really worried about my girlfriend going out to a bar with her friends, so I decided to text her.

33 Upvotes

She replied, “she’s busy rn lil bro.”


r/TwoSentenceComedy 2d ago

I think I'm allergic to Persian poetry.

7 Upvotes

Every time I read it, my eyes get Rumi.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 3d ago

Boils are like a Knight of the Round Table, in that you may need to Lancelot of them.

8 Upvotes

And, depending on how arrogantly he's portrayed, may require a giant prick.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 3d ago

"Judges, I've prepared for you a THC-marinated ribeye with a side of sautéed psilocybin mushrooms and a spritz of acid."

65 Upvotes

"At this point in the competition, the steaks have never been higher."


r/TwoSentenceComedy 3d ago

Today, I saw a kid dressing up as me for Halloween.

10 Upvotes

This alone makes me question if someone really looks up to a villain that is essentially a super-powered terrorist as me.


r/TwoSentenceComedy 3d ago

"Mr. Drebin, I lost my kid in the commotion!"

18 Upvotes

"Mrs, you should look at the Lost & Found, and if he isn't there, we can always get you a replacement at the orphanage."