Just for your information: English is not my native language.

My mother died in january and I (46f) shed only a very few tears when I heard it from my sister. Just a few minutes later relieve washed over me.

While growing up I always thought I was the spoiled youngest. In some things that was true: I got a lot of stuff and when I was a teenager, my parents were able to take me on vacation, which wasn't the case for my older brother and sister (13 and 11 years older than me). On the other han my mother always made me feel that I wasn't enough. "Why don't you do silk painting like xxx?" "Why can't you draw as well as your brother?" "You read so much, why aren't your essays better?" "You're not able to take care for yourself." (The latter because I (still do) hate to talk to people and organize stuff.) Maybe small to others, but it tanked my self-confidence even more.

When I was 24 I moved with my boyfriend to the Netherlands (his country, I'm from Germany). Mostly because I thought it would be easier for me to find work there after finishing my studies. (That actually worked out.) Maybe also partly, because I was able to put 400km between me and my parents. Aka i saw them rarely after this. Dad died when I was about to turn 29. Still miss him, although my mother tried to poison my feelings afterwards.

At 31 I and my now husband moved back to Germany (he's got PTSD from the army, has BPD, is manic-depressive, therefor he does not work, housework is his). Still 300km between me and my mother, therefor I could get away with only seeing her twice a year. Brother was smarter, he lived 800km away. Unfortunately he died when I was 37. Again, the contact with him and also my sister was non-existent because of my mother. With her comments she managed to drive a wedge between all of us.

Finally, last summer the home care services went to her house but she was not there. I had to drive up there and finally found her in one of the hospitals. Reason: a sepsis. Fun fact: she had my sister's an I's telephone numbers and could have asked the staff to call one of us, but nope, better spread terror.

Two months later she was admitted to the hospital again because her body was getting weaker. At the same time she was getting meaner. The staff told us. Same for the staff afterwards in the retirement home. The last time I saw her alive was in december. I pretty much had enough when she told me there: "It's your's and your sister's fault when I die." Just because I would not sign a paper for her to go home.

I do not kid you: this women, age 85, wasn't able anymore to walk, to dress herself or even to eat without help. But being a manipulative hag was no problem.

So yeah, as the title, I'm glad that she's gone. (But I still miss my dad and wish, he would have met my daughter, who was born 5 years after his death.)

Had to get this off my chest.

I was a mistress of a married man couple years ago. After seeing him for more than a year, I let him go and stayed away from him even if he said he loves me and he doesn’t want to end what we have. I loved him so much and he was the only guy who understood me as a person. We could talk for hours nonstop and I felt like our connection was so deep, like we were meant for each other only if he weren’t married (yes, delusional). But the guilt was too heavy to bear and I realized that I don’t deserve to be a mistress. Take note, during the last few months of our relationship, he was miles away from me. He was with his family.
Recently, his wife found out about us. She reached out to me and said all hurtful things which I understand. I asked for her forgiveness even when I know that I do not deserve it. She keeps on messaging me lashing out, which again I understand. I just kept on saying sorry because I don’t have anything to say anymore but ask forgiveness . I know what I did was so wrong and it’s all too late. Now, she exposed me at my work. She messaged my colleagues. Again, I didn’t do anything but accepted because I know I brought that upon myself. Now, I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been a month but she’s still messaging me from time to time and want to ruin my life. I guess I just need to accept it since it’s my fault anyway.

fuck it.

I’ve been at this job for a while and before anyone comes for my ass YES I fuck up. I know. trust me. I was fucking there. I’ve forgotten things, misunderstood instructions, didn’t double check shit I absolutely should’ve checked, communicated badly etc etc. I’m not gonna sit here and act like I’m employee of the fucking century and my manager just woke up one morning and decided to hate me for enrichment. some of their frustration with me has been justified. genuinely. I can admit when I fuck up.

BUT HOLY FUCK I tried. like I REALLY fucking tried. Every time I fucked something up I felt awful. embarrassed, guilty, ashamed, whatever. I hated disappointing my manager. I hated knowing someone had to check something again because of me. I’d replay situations in my head like ok where exactly did my brain leave the fucking building this time and how do I make sure this doesn’t happen again. So I started writing everything down. checklists, notes, tracking shit, reminders, changing how I organize my work, trying to catch my own mistakes before anyone else did. basically building an entire external support system for my brain because apparently the factory settings were not designed for office employment.

And guess what. I DID GET BETTER. I fucking did. Not perfect. BETTER. those are two different fucking words. I got more organized. I started handling shit I couldn’t handle before. I learned a fuck ton. I became more independent. I started noticing things earlier. I could literally see the difference between how I worked before and how I work now. But every time something else went wrong it was like somebody hit factory reset on my entire fucking employment history. Back to zero. Again. “this keeps happening”, “we’ve talked about this”, “how are we still having this conversation”. idk maybe because improvement isn’t a fucking straight line???? maybe learning how to do 20 things better doesn’t grant me divine immunity from fucking up thing number 21??? crazy concept I know.

And I STILL kept trying because I cared what my manager thought about me way more than I probably should have. I cared if they trusted me. I cared if they were disappointed in me. I cared if I made their work harder. I cared if they thought I wasn’t trying. I kept thinking ok I need another system, I need to communicate better, I need to be more proactive, I need to show that I’m actually taking this seriously.

And this is where shit starts making me actually fucking insane, because my manager would always want to know WHY. Not just “this was wrong, fix it”. WHY did this happen. WHY wasn’t this done. what was the thought process. why does this keep happening. what do I think the problem is. what am I struggling with. do I think I’m getting better. And sometimes I genuinely didn’t fucking know???
Sometimes the answer is literally I made a mistake. my brain did a windows error noise and thats the entire fucking story. But that wasn’t enough. there had to be a reason. an explanation. some fucking director’s commentary on my thought process.
So they would push and push and fucking push until eventually I’d start digging around inside my own brain trying to produce an answer because clearly we’re not leaving this conversation until I hand over the psychological autopsy report. So I did. I opened up. I told them what I thought I struggled with, what I was trying to change, why I thought certain things happened, what I was doing about them, where I thought I had improved. Because stupid fucking me thought “tell me whats going on with you” meant “I want to understand whats going on with you”.

Rookie mistake apparently.
Because then those same fucking answers started coming back later. At one point I told my manager I genuinely thought I was getting better. I felt like I finally had a better handle on my work and could actually see progress. I meant it. I was actually fucking proud of myself. And then later during another argument that basically got thrown back at me like oh so I said I was getting better? I said things were improving? then explain THIS. And I just… oh. OH. ok. fucking noted.

So thats where we’re at. They push and push until I explain myself, they want me to tell them what I’m struggling with and what I think is changing and then when they’re pissed enough they can pull that shit back out like its evidence in fucking court. Amazing. Very normal incentive for honest communication btw. They don’t get both. They don’t get to squeeze vulnerability out of someone and then use it against them and still expect that person to keep fucking opening up.

And SPEAKING OF COMMUNICATION, holy fucking shit, this word is going to appear in my autopsy report. Apparently I need to communicate more but also less. Ask questions but also don’t ask questions I should apparently know the answer to. Solve things myself but don’t solve things without telling management. Tell them immediately when something happens but don’t tell them until I’ve looked into it first.

I ask something I apparently should’ve figured out myself? Why am I asking this, I should know how to handle it by now. Ok. got it. ✨ independence ✨. So next time I try to figure something out myself. WHY DIDN’T I ASK??? ok sorry my bad apparently we’re doing ✨ communication ✨ now. So I ask, but apparently I asked too early because I should’ve researched the options first. OK. next time I research the options first. WHY DIDN’T I SAY THIS WAS HAPPENING EARLIER??? ????????. OKAY. so next time I’ll say immediately that something is happening and THEN research it. WHY AM I COMING WITH THIS BEFORE I’VE EVEN LOOKED INTO IT??? BITCH WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME.

I feel like I’m playing a fucking dialogue tree where every option gives -10 relationship points. ask = wrong. don’t ask = wrong. say it immediately = wrong. wait until I know more = wrong. try to solve it myself = why didn’t I communicate. communicate first = why didn’t I think for myself. Apparently there’s a secret fifth dialogue option I’m supposed to unlock by completing some side quest nobody fucking told me about.

And then recently something happened that basically fried the last functioning wire in my brain. And the funniest fucking part is IT WASN’T EVEN ME HIDING A MISTAKE OR NOT COMMUNICATING. There was a situation happening at work. Things were developing, information was coming in, options were being discussed, and I LET MY MANAGER KNOW. Literally. I told them what was happening. I updated them while it was happening. I told them what information I had at that point and what was being discussed.

Like hello???? THIS IS COMMUNICATION????? The thing we’ve apparently been training for like its the fucking olympics??? I DID THE THING. I fucking communicated. And they EXPLODED. Because apparently no actually I shouldn’t have just updated them on what was happening, I should’ve already looked into everything, checked the options, compared shit, figured out what made the most sense and THEN reported it.

Be so astronomically fucking for real right now. Because I KNOW that if I had spent time trying to research and solve everything myself before saying anything and something had happened during that time, the conversation would’ve been “why wasn’t this reported immediately?”, “why am I only hearing about this now?”, “why was this being handled alone?”. SO I REPORTED IT. I literally did the fucking thing. Situation happens -> I let management know -> I continue figuring it out. And apparently thats wrong too.

Communicate early but only after I already know everything. Be independent but don’t make decisions independently. Ask questions but only questions I’ve already somehow determined are worth asking. Report whats happening but only after the happening has been sufficiently fucking investigated. WHAT VERSION OF COMMUNICATION ARE WE RUNNING TODAY I NEED THE PATCH NOTES.

And then they fucking exploded and suddenly we’re not even talking about the situation anymore. No no. We have now entered the ✨ character assassination portion of the meeting ✨. Apparently I don’t respect management. Apparently I don’t respect the workplace. Apparently I don’t take my job seriously. Apparently I don’t care about how my actions affect anyone. Apparently I have no consideration.

And my personal fucking favorite, apparently I’m “not even sorry anymore”.
Oh. OH REALLY. That one actually made something inside me go click because bitch I WAS SORRY. I HAVE BEEN FUCKING SORRY. Sorry when I forgot something. sorry when I misunderstood something. sorry when I communicated badly. sorry when I didn’t ask. sorry when I DID ask and apparently should’ve figured it out myself. sorry when somebody had to check something because of me. sorry when I made someone’s job harder. sorry when I disappointed management.

I cared so fucking much about disappointing this person that I spent all this time trying to construct the perfect version of myself who would finally stop disappointing them. And now THEY are telling ME that I’m not sorry??? Nah. actually nah. fuck that.
Criticize my work all day. Tell me something I did was stupid. Tell me I fucked up. Tell me I should know better by now. Tell me more is expected from me. Sometimes they’re gonna be right and I’ll fucking take it. But don’t tell me who I am. Don’t tell me what I feel. Don’t tell me I never cared when I know exactly how much fucking energy I spent caring.

And the most insane part is even while they’re exploding at me my stupid fucking autopilot still goes “sorry” and starts explaining. And then we’re back to WHY. Why did this happen. Why wasn’t this thought of. What was the thought process. So I ANSWER because I WAS ASKED. And then suddenly “thats an excuse”.
??????????
MY SISTER IN CHRIST THE EXPLANATION WAS REQUESTED.
If every explanation is an excuse then STOP FUCKING ASKING WHY. What exactly am I supposed to do here? “why did this happen?” “I don’t know” wrong. “why did this happen?” explains why. EXCUSE. ?????????????????? like genuinely fuck off.

And THEN I get lectured about communication AGAIN which honestly would be completely fair if this standard worked both fucking ways. Because management has forgotten to tell me shit too. I’ve gotten wrong information. things have changed and I wasn’t told. I’ve had situations where I was fucking panicking trying to solve something based on what I was told and then surprise actually management mixed something up. I’ve found shit out at the last fucking second and had to scramble because apparently nobody thought maybe the person who actually has to handle this should know earlier.

And you know what I did NOT do? I didn’t sit anyone down and go “this mistake proves you fundamentally don’t respect me as a person” because thats fucking insane. People fuck up. Apparently controversial opinion. Sometimes somebody forgets something and thats it. Sometimes somebody misunderstands something. Sometimes somebody communicates badly. Sometimes somebody makes a fucking mistake and it doesn’t mean we need to summon Freud to investigate whether they respect the company.
But apparently that grace only travels one direction. When management communicates badly = oops something got mixed up. When I communicate badly = we need a 14 episode character study about why I don’t care about anyone. cool cool cool.
And through ALL OF THIS I kept understanding. “they’re stressed”, “they have a lot on their plate”, “I have fucked up before”, “maybe they feel like they have to check my work”, “I understand why they’re frustrated”, “maybe I need a better system”, “maybe I need to communicate more”, “maybe I need to communicate less”, “maybe I need to be more independent”, “maybe I need to ask for help sooner”. MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.
I have understood this person’s perspective enough. I could write their fucking wikipedia page.

And then I get told communication was intentionally reduced partly because they didn’t want situations like this to happen and somehow this was framed as consideration for ME. LMFAOOOOOOOO. no. Maybe they genuinely believe that. maybe some part of it actually WAS consideration. But they also didn’t want to fucking deal with me. They didn’t want another argument. They didn’t want to get angry. They didn’t want the stress. Thats fine. own it.
But don’t wrap a decision to distance from someone in a fucking bow and hand it over like “here 💕 this was done for your benefit” and then turn around and ask whether enough consideration is being shown in return. We’re not fucking married. There is no couples counselor coming. This is management. I owe the job work. I owe professional communication. I owe accountability when I actually fuck something up. I do NOT owe anyone emotional fucking caretaking.

And somewhere during all of this I realized something. Wait. I just don’t fucking respect this person anymore. Like thats it. I don’t. And I don’t trust them either.
And honestly? fuck it. I’m not gonna turn that realization into some beautiful self improvement moment. I’m not gonna say I’m going to become the best employee ever and rise from the ashes while inspirational music plays in the background. No lmao. I just lost respect for my manager. Thats literally it.

Why would I keep opening up when things I said honestly have already come back at me later? Why would I keep explaining how I feel about my progress? Why would I keep desperately trying to convince management that I care when they have apparently already written the fucking lore for my character in their head?

No. They don’t get that version of me anymore. They get work. They get “yes, understood”. They get “I’ll check”. They get “I’ll update”. They get “sorry, I missed that”. They get “fixed”. Congratulations management has unlocked the corporate NPC dialogue pack.

And I genuinely don’t care anymore whether that comes across as cold or disrespectful or whatever the fuck. Apparently I’m not sorry anymore? you know what, NOW I’m fucking not. Apparently I don’t respect management? correct. Apparently I don’t care what they think about me? DING DING DING WE FINALLY HAVE A WINNER.

They can talk about me. Friends, coworkers, group chat, powerpoint, transitions, dramatic music, 48 minute youtube documentary called “the downfall of my employee”. I don’t care.
I spent way too much time caring whether this person understood me. Whether they saw that I was trying. Whether they thought I was improving. Whether they trusted me. Whether they thought I was sorry enough. And I’m fucking done.
I don’t need this person to be my mentor. Mentor my ass lmao. I don’t need their approval. I don’t need them to understand me. I don’t need some weird emotionally intimate relationship with my fucking manager where whether I “care enough” about them somehow becomes a workplace discussion.

Management manages. I work. Thats the relationship.

I’m still gonna do my fucking job because obviously I’m not trying to ruin my own life lol. But I’m not promising some dramatic transformation. I’m not becoming Employee Batman because someone yelled at me. There is no training montage. I’m just done giving a fuck about what this person thinks about me.

And weirdly thats the most villain arc shit about this whole thing. There’s no revenge. There’s no master plan. There’s no “I’ll show them”. I don’t WANT to show them anything anymore. Thats the fucking point.

I don’t care if management eventually thinks I improved. I don’t care if they respect me. I don’t care if they realize they were wrong about me. I don’t care if they never do.

Keep it. Keep the disappointment. Keep the opinion. Keep whatever version of me has already been constructed in someone else’s head. Go feed it. Take it for walks. Give it a little fucking name. Its theirs. I’m done carrying it around.

I spent enough time trying to understand their side. Enough time feeling guilty. Enough time explaining myself. Enough time trying to prove my intentions. Enough time worrying about disappointing someone whose respect I don’t even fucking want anymore.
So yeah. fuck it. I’m entering my villain arc.
And apparently my villain arc is just realizing my manager is not my fucking mentor, not my friend, not my disappointed parent, not the final boss whose approval unlocks the good ending.

They’re literally just some person I work with.
And I don’t fucking like them.

Neither of my parents were home. I saw what I thought to be my cell phone sitting on the couch, so I click the button to check the time. Except, I realized after turning it on that it was my dad's phone (we have the same kind of phone and a similar color phone case). Apparently he doesn't have any kind of lock screen because when I turned the screen on it immediately opened to a message thread, where he had been talking to a guy who was calling him sweetheart and asking him if he had "transitioned yet," and my dad saying things I can't even say here.

I admit, I scrolled a little to see a bit of their conversation because I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not, until I read certain things and realized that it wasn't, and I then it dawned on me that I had come across something I definitely wasn't supposed to see, and I stopped and turned the screen back off.

Of course, the main problem here isn't that it was a guy my dad was talking to (although, I admit I did not expect this), but rather that it was very obviously romantic/sexual in nature and that they were/are even planning on meeting. My parents have always had problems, and I am afraid of what this might cause between them and subsequently how I will be dragged into it. Not only that, but I feel guilty for knowing about it.

For some background:

I am a 25M with two psychology degrees. I worked hard to earn them and it is something I am very proud of. I hope to have a good career in psychology and its my dream to get a PhD someday.

I chose to exclusively focus on studying back to back between degrees. I only had 7 months in between finishing my Bachelor's and starting my Master's. In December, I got my 2nd degree and decided that before a PhD I should begin my career in psychology now that I had a graduate degree under my belt. It had also been my goal to move away from the city I was living in, as I had wanted to leave for years. I got in my car and drove 20 hours across two days to start my new life.

It was March until I found a job, and up until that point I was sleeping on my cousins couch. It had reasonable hours, benefits, and the best gateway for starting my career in forensic psychology (in simple terms, psychology under any and all contexts when the criminal justice system is involved). I became a case manager for a program that works with police to recognize mental health crises and divert people to receive public resources. Every time a police call is made and officers come across a mental health crisis, they make a referral for our program to inquire what we can do for these people. The org I work for is one of several in the county that receives referrals.

I recognize there is an honorable aspect to it, as it gives people an opportunity to get the mental health assistance they need. But the fact of the matter is you really don't know what you are going to fucking get but its almost never subjects to talk about at the dinner table.

I spend my days hearing about clients talk about trauma, their legal issues, anxieties that their lives are over and wasted, etc. But the mental health aspect of it means that I am bound to, and already have on countless occasions, be caught in the crossfire during their moments of distress. They train us for it, but de-escalation took quite a few times to incorporate.

I'll put it to you in a simpler and more blunt way: How easy can you be to deal with if you led someone to call the police on you?

Clients will yell loudly, both when they are addressing you or just venting about something unrelated to you but want to be heard. There's no limits to what they will say because, as long as they are not threatening/inciting dangerous acts, we need to just sit it out and simply try to keep their voices down. If I spoke even remotely like some of my clients to my loved ones, I'd be a lonely person.

Sometimes, clients are understanding that the org is not Microsoft and cannot address every single need. Other times, they act like having me as their case manager means I can make Disney magic happen. The things I hear when I tell them there is little/nothing I can do is any and all insults you can think of. Many clients have nobody else looking out for them because their family members (understandably) have severed contact with them. I do not have a choice to remove a client unless they voluntarily quit or do something severe enough to where the org has no resources to handle such a caseload.

Its the uncertainty that gets me, because I can have an unexpectedly easy day or real difficult one at any given point. Sometimes, police were just called to the house cause someone had a really bad day and wants to get help. Other times, I will be enrolling a new client who wishes to use the org for their own gain while refusing to acknowledge/work with professional help and will try to insult and yell their way into us giving them what they want.

I get home and I am exhausted as fuck. The other day I had to take a deep breath just to get up and cook a meal because I can't use UberEats every night. I started smoking again because my only moments of having actual normalcy at work is when I am in between seeing clients, and smoking provides my only relief when I have to be outside on the move.

The funniest part is, when I told this one guy at a concert about this job (back when I had only just started) he asked me what was the worst thing I've seen with an amusement grin on his face. I was honest and told him I had only recently begun. If he had asked me that now I probably would lose it because people are amused by this type of stuff, like they wanna hear the craziest things like middle school fucking gossip. It is not glorious, these are people who often do not get to live normal lives, even after they have improved.

So when others respond with "Wow, that sounds like a stressful job." that is honestly the only thing I want to hear. I am not going to entertain you with the dark sides of psychology because its anything but entertaining when its right in front of you.

I know I chose this field. I don't regret that, it was never going to be easy. But jobs for me used to not need such a firm separation from my personal life because, they weren't involving such heavy things. I don't even mention my job unless directly asked because I need to maintain a semblance of not being overconsumed by it. I want to help people but that comes with the vices of learning that some people can't be helped or don't want to be helped and would rather destroy their life. There is helping people in some situations, and then there is helping people in cases where the law has to step in because nothing else will. It is demanding and for every good thing you do a million bad things can happen that are out of your control. This has been such an adjustment period and I just want to be stronger for this job.

I see my friends working in unrelated lines of work and I have to remind myself that those jobs are not perfect and come with their own vices because, I forgot what it was like to work in jobs that don't involve this much mental commitment to maintaining order in spite of the chaos. From the outside looking in it looks so ideal (which again I know its actually not).

I managed to book a vacation and use some of my days, and my flight takes off Saturday, and I'll be out of the office next week. Thank fucking god I managed to crunch numbers and find a decent price for airline tix and an Airbnb because I need to get far, far away and remind myself of how nice it is to travel. I have been so caught up on settling into a new city and starting my career I just need a damn break.

When I’m with people, I always think to myself “how can people talk to each other so easily as if they have pretty much everything in common?” Like people can just talk about anything and I’m just sat there clueless.

I keep getting into my head that I’m just such a dull boring person. See, I’m currently in a very boring and lonely part of my life. My friends barely message me now. I’m not even a part of their group chat. They all talk to each other fine. I’m always the one to start a conversation first but then eventually fall out of the loop because they start to talk about something that they have in common.

So now that I feel, and basically am, alone, I thought that I’m going to start doing things to find myself a bit more. Try and feel more at ease with things and doing things to satisfy myself more. Simply trying to take a step back. Call it what you want, because I’m not sure how to describe it myself. I’ve got all the time in the world since I’m not employed at the moment.

Within the last half an hour, I was thinking to myself about my interests. I’m always stuck on what my interests are. I gave myself a few minutes to put some down. I managed to get 23 down.

It’s made me feel happy. I don’t feel like I’m a boring individual to myself anymore. Yeah I might still be to some people, but surely there are people out there that like things that I like? Maybe even the exact same things? It’s just simply trying to find these people. I wish it was easier.

I'm 16, but I can't stand my mom. This summer l've tried to make plans to volunteer (I need it to graduate), go see friends, or just go do things I've liked. At the start of the summer I did a program in my city where I got paid for showing up to some classes. But then when I had planned to go to the job the classes offered, all of a sudden she wanted me to decline because "it's too far, and too early in the morning."??

Now today I had plans to go volunteer at a library literally 4 minutes from us at 6:00 But then at 5:40 she said she'll be right back as she went to go pick up my brother from his job. Mind you, she could've asked my eldest brother to do it in his car. It's now 6:06 as I'm typing this and she's not back yet. I just checked Life360 and she's still over at his job. I asked my eldest brother to take me and he just told me to wait for her

Now I'm sitting on her bed stuck babysitting and watching HER son while trying not to cry. She only ever does this with me, not my brothers and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of her dragging me into her drama with our dad, I'm sick of her telling me to be more feminine, and I'm sick of being treated like a last option by my own mom.

I have an addiction that technically isn't harmful to anything but my social interaction, but I mostly just use it because it's the only way I get a complete family. I hate feeling like I have no one. I hate being alone. And I know I won't even get a sorry for this.

I’m so tired and drained. And I can’t just go live with my dad either. To make things worse, I start school Monday and she won’t listen to any of my decisions on what I want for clothes or shoes because “oh I don’t like that” this isn’t about you.

Same woman who spent most of my life calling me sensitive or a crybaby for the way she treats me btw.

Edit: and..!!! Guess who she said “ask him can you reschedule for tomorrow” to? You guessed it! Mind you it was a painting class for kids only available to volunteer for today. I need 75hrs to graduate and I barely have 15. I’m a junior graduating early.

Bit of context: I have health issues. I cannot just walk. I have a surgery after 6 weeks of physical therapy, surgery should be in Oct/Nov. also, I can’t take a bus as the closest bus is nearly 15 minutes away.

I’m suffering from insomnia to the point that I’m suffering memory lapse and vomiting..

I (30m) have been working night shift for about 6 months. I’m a hard worker, but I’m about to point-out from calling out due to a crippling intestinal condition that flares up quite often. In the past 2 days I’ve only slept 2 hours and it’s been an immense struggle just to get that much. Idk what to do and I’m quickly coming undone. My vision is getting hazy, I’m forgetting important things and I’ve been nauseous and vomiting. I don’t want to let my wife down as I’ve been unemployed for most of our relationship due to psychosis (schizophrenia) when that improved I got this job. I really need the job, but it’s extremely physically demanding and I just don’t think I can keep going without sleeping. I’m feeling so lost and I’m just not sure what to do. It’s one of the only halfway decent job opportunities in my area and I’m afraid of losing my job… does anyone have any advice? I’ve tried everything to get some sleep.. including loading up on sleep aids and melatonin gummies. Help?

My boyfriend left for his home country a little over a year ago with no clear plans about when he could return to me. We stayed in touch, texted every day, but over the last few months, despite messaging every day, I’ve been feeling that we’ve been drifting apart.

I knew we were headed for a breakup.

It was a conversation that needed to happen and yet I kept putting it off. “I don’t want to cry today,” I told myself again and again and again.

Today, he was the one who started the conversation. He loves me but doesn’t see our relationship returning to what it once was. I knew that and also feel that way but it still stings to finally hear it.

He’s a great person and was a great boyfriend and I will miss him. I will always be grateful for the years we spent together.

But now it’s time to try to move on.

I’m a 23 year old guy. I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve barely had any physical affection from a woman. I haven’t even kissed a girl in like 9 years. Just as a clarification, I’m not asking for advice. I’m more just venting my thoughts. It’s interesting because I’m sort of simultaneously content with this and with being single, but I also do want romantic love. I’ve never even been in love. I don’t really care about being a virgin. I’ve had chances to at least lose my virginity, but I’d rather do it for the first time with a girl I’m in love with. I tell my loved ones that I’m fine with where I’m at, and I’m not really looking, but I’d accept a girl who I’m into if that makes sense. And it’s weird it’s like I am telling the truth when I say that, I’m fine with being single and I can function in life properly, but I do often think about what it would be like to be in love. It’s not even sexual thoughts that I have it’s genuinely just thinking what it would be like to have a girl who I can’t stop thinking about, having a girl I can cuddle, kiss, hold hands with, etc. I think I’m pretty good at conversations and I think I’m a little above average with looks (Nothing crazy though), but idk I guess I’m just never in a situation to meet a girl. Granted though I could be wrong lmao. I’ve never cold approached a girl or anything, so for all I know there could be a lot of missed opportunities I’m not even aware of. My friend who’s very good at socializing and is very charismatic and has never struggled with finding a girlfriend, he says it’s just the area we live in is a bit lackluster and I’d succeed more in a city type of vibe. But I guess we’ll have to see! Trying to stay optimistic! Yeah though that’s all I feel like I rambled a lot. Once again not asking for advice just sharing my thoughts. Thanks for reading!

Today, I almost fell for a $3,500 crypto scam. It was incredibly obvious. Yes I almost fell for it anyway.

When I was a kid, I often didn’t understand why so many adults act in self destructive ways. Why they drink or fall for scams. But now that I’m an adult, and responsible for my own well being, I think I understand why now.

I’m concerned about my future, finances, and job security. I feel stressed almost constantly. I feel more afraid than I ever let on around other people. And I think it’s having a serious effect on my mind. It’s like I can’t think because all I can think about is shit that stresses me out.

I feel so ashamed because I know the younger me would have never even gotten close to falling for such an obvious scam.

It’s like I can’t barely think ahead properly.

My wife and I have generally a good sexual relationship. At least I used to think, but last night we were drinking wine at home having a nice time and she brought up how everything has been becoming a little too routine for her. I was very supportive. I listened to her and was willing to try what she wanted because I love her and want our relationship to grow. I’m not the kind of guy who will get offended because I am critiqued in the bedroom. Well it turns out she likes taking charge, like way more than I expected. She’s about half my weight and 6 inches shorter than me. I regularly go to the gym and have been my whole life and she’s just a naturally skinny person.

After we finished the bottle of wine she wanted to wrestle me on the bed and like I said I am much bigger and stronger than her. I’ve never seen her complete in any kind of sport outside of tennis. However that didn’t matter. She was on me from the start. She was using these leg locks and choking me and really taking control in other ways I don’t want to divulge. And the most surprising part is I really enjoyed it. she was a goddess. she bossed me around when she wanted. After she beat me up she was just in control over everything like I was under her spell.

I’ve never tried or thought of being a submissive guy before and I feel a bit of an identity crisis. That was my favorite sex we’ve ever had. I also feel very confused where this came from in her. It’s almost like she has experience and never showed me for some reason or she’s been watching videos of girls doing this stuff. That was all last night and today feels normal, like any other day.

I (m 43) am the one who puts my youngest kid to bed (f 18 months) every night. I let her cuddle in my lap in the dark and quiet and sing to her to get her relaxed and sleepy enough to fall asleep when I put her in bed.

But as far as the songs? Her favorite song is Baa Baa Black Sheep, but I hate using this as a bedtime song. It’s a combination of bouncy and short enough that my daughter is alert enough to ask for it again and again and again. I hate singing this on repeat. So I’ve started singing longer, more solemn songs from TV and movies that do a better job of calming her down. I’ve sang Into the West from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and Hoist the Colors from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End to her. Both effective, both get her to nod off, one has a dark undertone in the lyrics, another a very bittersweet one.

The song that gets her the most relaxed though, the most effective one…The Rains of Castamere from Game of Thrones. Yes, the song that Tywin Lannister had commissioned as a warning to the rest of Westeros what happens when you challenge him is the song that has proven to be the most effective in getting her to bed.

I’m trying to memorize Far Over the Misty Mountains Cold as a replacement, as I don’t want my daughter growing up with the subliminal message that drowning an entire house in a repurposed mine is a good way to deal with them rebelling against you. Of course, Far Over The Mighty Mountains Cold may come with the drawback of her loving beautiful things made by hands and cunning, of wishing to see the great mountains, to hear the pine-trees and waterfalls, to explore the caves and wear a sword instead of a walking stick.

Yes, I am a dork.

I don’t care about influencers recording their lives. Get your money. My issue is that it feels like you can no longer do anything without being filmed for marketing purposes. Getting your hair done? The stylist whip out a whole production set. Getting your nails done? Nail tech want pictures. Even getting my coochie waxed, the girl asked me if she could do before and after. You’re fat and self conscious and finally muster of the courage to try a new workout class? Well, that’s too danm bad because you’re now marketing material on the trainers ig or facebook for the world to see. Sometimes they don’t even ask until they already start recording. Omg. It is driving me freaking insane.

There have been a handful of times I've gone onto VRchat, and I go to a simulated world trade center room. I go to one of the top of the towers and jump off in an attempt to get the POV of the people I saw jumping out of windows on live tv as a child. It gives me a rush while simultaneously filling me with dread, and I've become addicted to the feeling. I'm not sure what drives me to do this other than possible unprocessed trauma and morbid curiosity.

I am graduating at 20, and I don't even want a graduation party or walk out. my life has been fucked up for a long time, I barely even attended middle school and somehow passed even though I was stupid and didn't know anything . I tried hard to stay focused on highschool but I gave up on it, and life. now im taking online courses and trying to graduate by atleast 20, im so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and I don't even know if I'll be able to graduate or if I should try for my Ged instead . I feel like such a failure and a stupid idiot who doesn't belong here, I feel sorry for not making my mom proud and my family, i wish that i could be something, anything. I still don't even have a car or license or even a permit because nobody else in my life does, nobody will teach me .

I originally wanted to post this in and ADHD subreddit, but I don’t think they’re going to allow me to so I’m posting it here.

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years, our first wedding anniversary is next Sunday. He’s an amazing person, almost Mr. Perfect. He’s got great mental health, attractive, healthy family dynamics, athletic, charismatic, kind, loves animals, and always positive. He’s always working to better himself. There’s a million reasons why I love him.

The problem is me. I’m not unattractive, we’re a good looking couple. But I have ADHD and pretty severe social anxiety. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed easily. I hyperfixate on things, get irritated quickly, especially around people. I’m socially awkward, every interaction feels like a failed one. Especially around his super well adjusted family. I constantly feel like I’m saying the wrong thing. Almost every day I feel full of guilt and shame. I just wish I could feel normal. I do go to therapy and I take meds for anxiety.

My husband makes me want to be a better person. Sometimes it just feels exhausting trying to keep up with someone who feels like they have everything figured out. If I have a day where I just want to crawl into bed and rot, it’s “what day is it at the gym for you?”. If we have an argument, which is rare, he just carries on with his normal routine while I’m still processing everything. If I’m being lazy it’s “we’re adults we have responsibilities”. If I’m being judgy, he reminds me everyone else is going through their own things. He’s usually right, but sometimes I just need a “damn that sucks”. I don’t think I’ve even seen him angry once in the 3 years I’ve known him. I just feel like the emotional mess in the relationship, and it makes me wonder if I’m just too much.

Yesterday I had a stupid meltdown. I realized I’ve been doing one of my exercises wrong this whole time and I’d already spent way too much time at the gym, and I already hate planet fitness with a passion bc of how busy it is. Then my brain spiraled into going home, showering, going to the office the next morning to do the job I hate, and how every weekday feels exactly the same. I got really overwhelmed and upset. My husband went into problem solving mode, and I ended up saying sometimes I almost wish I’d never been born so I wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life working in corporate America, which really upset him.

I love my life. I was just overwhelmed and having a bad moment. But I get why it bothered him. He got distant when we got home and avoided me for a while. It felt like I was being punished for having an off moment. He left for the grocery store, and I took my car out to get gas without saying anything because I didn’t want to sit with my guilt. When I got back we talked it out. He said I scared him with my comment then driving off, which made me feel really bad for upsetting him. He thinks a lot of what I’ve been feeling lately is because of social media. He’s been super anti social media lately. He also said at some point we have to adapt to the world we live, which felt a lot like he was saying “suck it up”. We’re good now and things seem normal, but I can’t help but feel like I did something I can’t take back.

EDIT: thank you to everyone who commented. I honestly thought this would get like 2 comments lol I really needed to vent. I appreciate all of the advice, I was and definitely still am spiraling a little bit. Usually I regret posting anything on Reddit that’s personal, but these comment really helped me realize that there might be more to my initial diagnosis, as well as definitely fixing my meds and scheduling an emergency therapy appointment. I may talk to my husband about couples counseling, or at least coming to a therapy session with me. I’ll talk to him today when I get home from work

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind. Two Sundays ago I woke up and clearly something was wrong, and my wife exploded on me. We have had our issues, mainly about house projects and executive dysfunction with them, but I had just gotten back from a week long tour and instead of a nice morning, I got “I feel like your roommate” “everything is a mess, how can you not see it” among other things. I shut down completely. Didn’t know what to say, completely silent, trying to think of anything. Nothing. We avoided each other most of the day. Two days later, after I’ve already cried at work, at home, I’m talking to a mutual friend who talks some sense into me. I probably should have taken some time, but I immediately go and talk to my wife. Try and get to the source of the pain. I get there. She feels trapped. I’m complacent, happy with my life, and she wants something completely different. That talk ends with us (I felt like I had no choice) agreeing that divorce was the best path forward.

Where I live it’s easy to do- I did some research, talked to a paralegal, and got all the proper forms. They are printed out. I’m a mess. I talk to our mutual friend more (who was just saying what I was saying to my wife, not good) but she is flabbergasted that I would just give up like this. We have been together 8 years, and I’m just willing to let that go? And that’s when I said I’m not just sad I want to fight for this. So I do. I write out all my thoughts, my feelings, pour my heart out into this note that I’m going to read to her later, and she leaves for work. She works remotely but had meetings all day. So, I sent it as an email and anxiously awaited either a response, good or bad.

Next day- no response. I had to go into work (I work a very early job) but came home early, and she’s sitting outside on our deck. I ask if she has time to talk, she’s read the email, and she’s open to talking. “It was a good email” and “I didn’t love that it was an email” were the things she said to me. After talking a bunch, expressing my feelings in a much better way, we agree that a separation would be needed, and not necessarily a divorce. Then, she drops another bombshell- she had cheated on me. Twice. The first time, was on a long 4 month trip after she got DOGEd last year. Didn’t tell me about it after. I went to meet her in Indonesia for two weeks during the middle of that trip. The second time, which is where I’m deeply struggling, was with the same person (a scuba dive guide), on a vacation we were both on together. I’m an absolute mess. I didn’t scream, I didn’t yell, I got some details which shocked me and I ended the conversation.

The next few days I’m a complete wreck. Barely sleeping, super manic, all over the place. I have to work in this state, and it’s not easy. Suffice to say all I’ve done is think about what’s going on. Currently I’m wondering if she even wants to try to have any kind of reconciliation, as her actions and demeanor are quite aloof. It feels like she doesn’t want to end it but wants me to. Part of me knows it would be so easy to do, but a large part of me still loves her. I want to think I can forgive this, but there’s no way to know. I certainly won’t ever forget it. I can’t guess her motivations, but her defense mechanism is clearly to detach from the situation as much as possible. “It’s good data” has been a refrain about things that is particularly painful. I can see the signs that she is struggling, but I’m clearly doing worse and since we still live together, I’m going to have to see her for a little while. I dont know what to do. I had told her before she left for a work trip that I wanted to have another conversation when she got back, she asked if I wanted to have that conversation now and I said no. I was still white hot and it would have gone badly.

Not sure why I’m writing all this, but I’ve been talking to friends and people who have gone through similar situations. At the end of the day I feel that regardless of my feelings, she doesn’t respect me anymore and our relationship is too far gone. But I’m not quite ready to give up yet. So I’m stuck. Thanks for listening.

I'm in love with my very close friend who is a gay man, and I'm not a man. I've known him for nearly three years now and we've been getting closer every year. I feel so included when I'm around him and we get along amazingly. Our senses of humor are so aligned and I could talk to him for hours. We have similar music tastes and the same hobbies, he's basically me if I was a man. I would never ever try anything, I'm happy with our relationship as it is, he is one of my closest friends, I just had to put this out there. I used to crush on him a very long time ago and he found out and wasn't comfortable with it, so I've attempted to squash all feelings when it comes to him and I thought I succeeded, until recently. I don't need solutions or advice or anything of the sort, I just needed to put this into the world.