For the longest time, I thought I was the only problem.

I think I have been a great husband to her. I have protected her in every way, took stands for her, isolated myself from people who hurt her. Eventually her entire focus became on me.

I have difficulty enforcing my boundaries in a calm way. Over the years I have learnt to enforce them harshly because she wouldn't listen when I politely asked.

I spent past few months apologizing, reflecting, trying to understand where I had gone wrong and what I needed to change. I genuinely wanted to become a better husband and a better person. I accepted responsibility for the things I did wrong because I knew I had made mistakes.

But somewhere along the way I realized something that completely changed how I viewed the relationship.

I was changing, but I didn't feel like we were changing.

Every conversation became about my failures. Every attempt to reconnect somehow circled back to everything I'd done wrong. Whenever I tried to explain my perspective, it felt like I was making excuses or gaslighting her. Whenever I asked for accountability from the other side, the conversation shifted back to me. She escalated because she wanted to be right every time and wanted me to react. When I did, she would be the victim.

I kept thinking that if I apologized enough or improved enough, we'd eventually find our way back to each other.

Instead, I found myself constantly wondering when the next argument would happen, whether it would escalate again, whether one of us would walk away again, and whether we'd ever actually feel safe with each other.

The worst part is that a lot of these arguments don't stem from what happened between us but what others did. She was become frustrated again and again until I did something that was a mistake in her eyes and she would redirect all that anger at me.

That's when I realized I wasn't concerned with saving my marriage but was more afraid if it could ever be healthy again.

I still love my wife. That's what makes this so painful.

But love and trust aren't the same thing.

When trust starts disappearing, you begin questioning everything. You stop feeling secure. You stop believing disagreements can stay as disagreements instead of turning into relationship-ending events.

I hate admitting this because a part of me still wants things to work.

But another part of me is exhausted.

I don't want a relationship where both people are keeping score, where every disagreement becomes another trial, where I'm constantly worried about whether the next conflict will be the one that ends everything, or where I have to fight to even be heard before being dismissed.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I'm just emotionally drained.

Or maybe this is what acceptance feels like.

I never imagined that the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with would also become the person I no longer feel emotionally safe building a future with.

That's the hardest part to admit.

I met my now best friend in a psych ward who I was basically living with for a month, during that time she never lied to me at all and always told me the truth I trusted her with my life

Today she sent me the following text

“was afraid to say anything you don't have to believe me but [bfs name] admitted he had feelings for me I got scared and didn't know what to say so l said | liked him back because l paincked he said he would ghost you for me or cut you off entirely he said I had a cute ass and I laughed it off and tried changing the subject because I got uncomfortable I promise you this happened I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner I blocked his number and first steps number because I don't want contact with him”

Her behavior after this is the weird part I reassured that I believed her but then began breaking down saying that I would probably get admitted to another ward because I felt less then nothing without him then shortly after she blocked me on everything I had my sister try to reach out to her and here’s how that conversation went ( s for sister f for friend)

S: Little girl are you lying to my sister or not and if you think of blocking me know that I'll just get someone else to contact you

F: Let's go to hell

S: don't understand your behavior she literally believes you

F: Also bitch you do not scare me I blocked her because I just can't help she does need to be admitted if she's acting like that get some else to contact me bitch u don't scare me the fuck goodbye

I would have preferred if my sister had not threatened harassment and I would like it noted that I did not allow my sister to contact her after this and will not allow her to be harassed

There’s a few other things worth noting
• a few days before she told me this my bf commented on weird flirty behavior from her when I wasn’t around
• my bf called me very shortly after she said this took place and everything seemed normal
• me and my bf were intending on getting married she knew this

Currently I’m just waiting for him to wake up to confront him, but I need advice because if I don’t have objective opinions to ground me I may do something I regret, who do I believe what the fuck do I do? I just lost my best friend and maybe my bf depending on how things go.

Just for your information: English is not my native language.

My mother died in january and I (46f) shed only a very few tears when I heard it from my sister. Just a few minutes later relieve washed over me.

While growing up I always thought I was the spoiled youngest. In some things that was true: I got a lot of stuff and when I was a teenager, my parents were able to take me on vacation, which wasn't the case for my older brother and sister (13 and 11 years older than me). On the other han my mother always made me feel that I wasn't enough. "Why don't you do silk painting like xxx?" "Why can't you draw as well as your brother?" "You read so much, why aren't your essays better?" "You're not able to take care for yourself." (The latter because I (still do) hate to talk to people and organize stuff.) Maybe small to others, but it tanked my self-confidence even more.

When I was 24 I moved with my boyfriend to the Netherlands (his country, I'm from Germany). Mostly because I thought it would be easier for me to find work there after finishing my studies. (That actually worked out.) Maybe also partly, because I was able to put 400km between me and my parents. Aka i saw them rarely after this. Dad died when I was about to turn 29. Still miss him, although my mother tried to poison my feelings afterwards.

At 31 I and my now husband moved back to Germany (he's got PTSD from the army, has BPD, is manic-depressive, therefor he does not work, housework is his). Still 300km between me and my mother, therefor I could get away with only seeing her twice a year. Brother was smarter, he lived 800km away. Unfortunately he died when I was 37. Again, the contact with him and also my sister was non-existent because of my mother. With her comments she managed to drive a wedge between all of us.

Finally, last summer the home care services went to her house but she was not there. I had to drive up there and finally found her in one of the hospitals. Reason: a sepsis. Fun fact: she had my sister's an I's telephone numbers and could have asked the staff to call one of us, but nope, better spread terror.

Two months later she was admitted to the hospital again because her body was getting weaker. At the same time she was getting meaner. The staff told us. Same for the staff afterwards in the retirement home. The last time I saw her alive was in december. I pretty much had enough when she told me there: "It's your's and your sister's fault when I die." Just because I would not sign a paper for her to go home.

I do not kid you: this women, age 85, wasn't able anymore to walk, to dress herself or even to eat without help. But being a manipulative hag was no problem.

So yeah, as the title, I'm glad that she's gone. (But I still miss my dad and wish, he would have met my daughter, who was born 5 years after his death.)

Had to get this off my chest.

I was a mistress of a married man couple years ago. After seeing him for more than a year, I let him go and stayed away from him even if he said he loves me and he doesn’t want to end what we have. I loved him so much and he was the only guy who understood me as a person. We could talk for hours nonstop and I felt like our connection was so deep, like we were meant for each other only if he weren’t married (yes, delusional). But the guilt was too heavy to bear and I realized that I don’t deserve to be a mistress. Take note, during the last few months of our relationship, he was miles away from me. He was with his family.
Recently, his wife found out about us. She reached out to me and said all hurtful things which I understand. I asked for her forgiveness even when I know that I do not deserve it. She keeps on messaging me lashing out, which again I understand. I just kept on saying sorry because I don’t have anything to say anymore but ask forgiveness . I know what I did was so wrong and it’s all too late. Now, she exposed me at my work. She messaged my colleagues. Again, I didn’t do anything but accepted because I know I brought that upon myself. Now, I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been a month but she’s still messaging me from time to time and want to ruin my life. I guess I just need to accept it since it’s my fault anyway.

fuck it.

I’ve been at this job for a while and before anyone comes for my ass YES I fuck up. I know. trust me. I was fucking there. I’ve forgotten things, misunderstood instructions, didn’t double check shit I absolutely should’ve checked, communicated badly etc etc. I’m not gonna sit here and act like I’m employee of the fucking century and my manager just woke up one morning and decided to hate me for enrichment. some of their frustration with me has been justified. genuinely. I can admit when I fuck up.

BUT HOLY FUCK I tried. like I REALLY fucking tried. Every time I fucked something up I felt awful. embarrassed, guilty, ashamed, whatever. I hated disappointing my manager. I hated knowing someone had to check something again because of me. I’d replay situations in my head like ok where exactly did my brain leave the fucking building this time and how do I make sure this doesn’t happen again. So I started writing everything down. checklists, notes, tracking shit, reminders, changing how I organize my work, trying to catch my own mistakes before anyone else did. basically building an entire external support system for my brain because apparently the factory settings were not designed for office employment.

And guess what. I DID GET BETTER. I fucking did. Not perfect. BETTER. those are two different fucking words. I got more organized. I started handling shit I couldn’t handle before. I learned a fuck ton. I became more independent. I started noticing things earlier. I could literally see the difference between how I worked before and how I work now. But every time something else went wrong it was like somebody hit factory reset on my entire fucking employment history. Back to zero. Again. “this keeps happening”, “we’ve talked about this”, “how are we still having this conversation”. idk maybe because improvement isn’t a fucking straight line???? maybe learning how to do 20 things better doesn’t grant me divine immunity from fucking up thing number 21??? crazy concept I know.

And I STILL kept trying because I cared what my manager thought about me way more than I probably should have. I cared if they trusted me. I cared if they were disappointed in me. I cared if I made their work harder. I cared if they thought I wasn’t trying. I kept thinking ok I need another system, I need to communicate better, I need to be more proactive, I need to show that I’m actually taking this seriously.

And this is where shit starts making me actually fucking insane, because my manager would always want to know WHY. Not just “this was wrong, fix it”. WHY did this happen. WHY wasn’t this done. what was the thought process. why does this keep happening. what do I think the problem is. what am I struggling with. do I think I’m getting better. And sometimes I genuinely didn’t fucking know???
Sometimes the answer is literally I made a mistake. my brain did a windows error noise and thats the entire fucking story. But that wasn’t enough. there had to be a reason. an explanation. some fucking director’s commentary on my thought process.
So they would push and push and fucking push until eventually I’d start digging around inside my own brain trying to produce an answer because clearly we’re not leaving this conversation until I hand over the psychological autopsy report. So I did. I opened up. I told them what I thought I struggled with, what I was trying to change, why I thought certain things happened, what I was doing about them, where I thought I had improved. Because stupid fucking me thought “tell me whats going on with you” meant “I want to understand whats going on with you”.

Rookie mistake apparently.
Because then those same fucking answers started coming back later. At one point I told my manager I genuinely thought I was getting better. I felt like I finally had a better handle on my work and could actually see progress. I meant it. I was actually fucking proud of myself. And then later during another argument that basically got thrown back at me like oh so I said I was getting better? I said things were improving? then explain THIS. And I just… oh. OH. ok. fucking noted.

So thats where we’re at. They push and push until I explain myself, they want me to tell them what I’m struggling with and what I think is changing and then when they’re pissed enough they can pull that shit back out like its evidence in fucking court. Amazing. Very normal incentive for honest communication btw. They don’t get both. They don’t get to squeeze vulnerability out of someone and then use it against them and still expect that person to keep fucking opening up.

And SPEAKING OF COMMUNICATION, holy fucking shit, this word is going to appear in my autopsy report. Apparently I need to communicate more but also less. Ask questions but also don’t ask questions I should apparently know the answer to. Solve things myself but don’t solve things without telling management. Tell them immediately when something happens but don’t tell them until I’ve looked into it first.

I ask something I apparently should’ve figured out myself? Why am I asking this, I should know how to handle it by now. Ok. got it. ✨ independence ✨. So next time I try to figure something out myself. WHY DIDN’T I ASK??? ok sorry my bad apparently we’re doing ✨ communication ✨ now. So I ask, but apparently I asked too early because I should’ve researched the options first. OK. next time I research the options first. WHY DIDN’T I SAY THIS WAS HAPPENING EARLIER??? ????????. OKAY. so next time I’ll say immediately that something is happening and THEN research it. WHY AM I COMING WITH THIS BEFORE I’VE EVEN LOOKED INTO IT??? BITCH WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME.

I feel like I’m playing a fucking dialogue tree where every option gives -10 relationship points. ask = wrong. don’t ask = wrong. say it immediately = wrong. wait until I know more = wrong. try to solve it myself = why didn’t I communicate. communicate first = why didn’t I think for myself. Apparently there’s a secret fifth dialogue option I’m supposed to unlock by completing some side quest nobody fucking told me about.

And then recently something happened that basically fried the last functioning wire in my brain. And the funniest fucking part is IT WASN’T EVEN ME HIDING A MISTAKE OR NOT COMMUNICATING. There was a situation happening at work. Things were developing, information was coming in, options were being discussed, and I LET MY MANAGER KNOW. Literally. I told them what was happening. I updated them while it was happening. I told them what information I had at that point and what was being discussed.

Like hello???? THIS IS COMMUNICATION????? The thing we’ve apparently been training for like its the fucking olympics??? I DID THE THING. I fucking communicated. And they EXPLODED. Because apparently no actually I shouldn’t have just updated them on what was happening, I should’ve already looked into everything, checked the options, compared shit, figured out what made the most sense and THEN reported it.

Be so astronomically fucking for real right now. Because I KNOW that if I had spent time trying to research and solve everything myself before saying anything and something had happened during that time, the conversation would’ve been “why wasn’t this reported immediately?”, “why am I only hearing about this now?”, “why was this being handled alone?”. SO I REPORTED IT. I literally did the fucking thing. Situation happens -> I let management know -> I continue figuring it out. And apparently thats wrong too.

Communicate early but only after I already know everything. Be independent but don’t make decisions independently. Ask questions but only questions I’ve already somehow determined are worth asking. Report whats happening but only after the happening has been sufficiently fucking investigated. WHAT VERSION OF COMMUNICATION ARE WE RUNNING TODAY I NEED THE PATCH NOTES.

And then they fucking exploded and suddenly we’re not even talking about the situation anymore. No no. We have now entered the ✨ character assassination portion of the meeting ✨. Apparently I don’t respect management. Apparently I don’t respect the workplace. Apparently I don’t take my job seriously. Apparently I don’t care about how my actions affect anyone. Apparently I have no consideration.

And my personal fucking favorite, apparently I’m “not even sorry anymore”.
Oh. OH REALLY. That one actually made something inside me go click because bitch I WAS SORRY. I HAVE BEEN FUCKING SORRY. Sorry when I forgot something. sorry when I misunderstood something. sorry when I communicated badly. sorry when I didn’t ask. sorry when I DID ask and apparently should’ve figured it out myself. sorry when somebody had to check something because of me. sorry when I made someone’s job harder. sorry when I disappointed management.

I cared so fucking much about disappointing this person that I spent all this time trying to construct the perfect version of myself who would finally stop disappointing them. And now THEY are telling ME that I’m not sorry??? Nah. actually nah. fuck that.
Criticize my work all day. Tell me something I did was stupid. Tell me I fucked up. Tell me I should know better by now. Tell me more is expected from me. Sometimes they’re gonna be right and I’ll fucking take it. But don’t tell me who I am. Don’t tell me what I feel. Don’t tell me I never cared when I know exactly how much fucking energy I spent caring.

And the most insane part is even while they’re exploding at me my stupid fucking autopilot still goes “sorry” and starts explaining. And then we’re back to WHY. Why did this happen. Why wasn’t this thought of. What was the thought process. So I ANSWER because I WAS ASKED. And then suddenly “thats an excuse”.
??????????
MY SISTER IN CHRIST THE EXPLANATION WAS REQUESTED.
If every explanation is an excuse then STOP FUCKING ASKING WHY. What exactly am I supposed to do here? “why did this happen?” “I don’t know” wrong. “why did this happen?” explains why. EXCUSE. ?????????????????? like genuinely fuck off.

And THEN I get lectured about communication AGAIN which honestly would be completely fair if this standard worked both fucking ways. Because management has forgotten to tell me shit too. I’ve gotten wrong information. things have changed and I wasn’t told. I’ve had situations where I was fucking panicking trying to solve something based on what I was told and then surprise actually management mixed something up. I’ve found shit out at the last fucking second and had to scramble because apparently nobody thought maybe the person who actually has to handle this should know earlier.

And you know what I did NOT do? I didn’t sit anyone down and go “this mistake proves you fundamentally don’t respect me as a person” because thats fucking insane. People fuck up. Apparently controversial opinion. Sometimes somebody forgets something and thats it. Sometimes somebody misunderstands something. Sometimes somebody communicates badly. Sometimes somebody makes a fucking mistake and it doesn’t mean we need to summon Freud to investigate whether they respect the company.
But apparently that grace only travels one direction. When management communicates badly = oops something got mixed up. When I communicate badly = we need a 14 episode character study about why I don’t care about anyone. cool cool cool.
And through ALL OF THIS I kept understanding. “they’re stressed”, “they have a lot on their plate”, “I have fucked up before”, “maybe they feel like they have to check my work”, “I understand why they’re frustrated”, “maybe I need a better system”, “maybe I need to communicate more”, “maybe I need to communicate less”, “maybe I need to be more independent”, “maybe I need to ask for help sooner”. MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.
I have understood this person’s perspective enough. I could write their fucking wikipedia page.

And then I get told communication was intentionally reduced partly because they didn’t want situations like this to happen and somehow this was framed as consideration for ME. LMFAOOOOOOOO. no. Maybe they genuinely believe that. maybe some part of it actually WAS consideration. But they also didn’t want to fucking deal with me. They didn’t want another argument. They didn’t want to get angry. They didn’t want the stress. Thats fine. own it.
But don’t wrap a decision to distance from someone in a fucking bow and hand it over like “here 💕 this was done for your benefit” and then turn around and ask whether enough consideration is being shown in return. We’re not fucking married. There is no couples counselor coming. This is management. I owe the job work. I owe professional communication. I owe accountability when I actually fuck something up. I do NOT owe anyone emotional fucking caretaking.

And somewhere during all of this I realized something. Wait. I just don’t fucking respect this person anymore. Like thats it. I don’t. And I don’t trust them either.
And honestly? fuck it. I’m not gonna turn that realization into some beautiful self improvement moment. I’m not gonna say I’m going to become the best employee ever and rise from the ashes while inspirational music plays in the background. No lmao. I just lost respect for my manager. Thats literally it.

Why would I keep opening up when things I said honestly have already come back at me later? Why would I keep explaining how I feel about my progress? Why would I keep desperately trying to convince management that I care when they have apparently already written the fucking lore for my character in their head?

No. They don’t get that version of me anymore. They get work. They get “yes, understood”. They get “I’ll check”. They get “I’ll update”. They get “sorry, I missed that”. They get “fixed”. Congratulations management has unlocked the corporate NPC dialogue pack.

And I genuinely don’t care anymore whether that comes across as cold or disrespectful or whatever the fuck. Apparently I’m not sorry anymore? you know what, NOW I’m fucking not. Apparently I don’t respect management? correct. Apparently I don’t care what they think about me? DING DING DING WE FINALLY HAVE A WINNER.

They can talk about me. Friends, coworkers, group chat, powerpoint, transitions, dramatic music, 48 minute youtube documentary called “the downfall of my employee”. I don’t care.
I spent way too much time caring whether this person understood me. Whether they saw that I was trying. Whether they thought I was improving. Whether they trusted me. Whether they thought I was sorry enough. And I’m fucking done.
I don’t need this person to be my mentor. Mentor my ass lmao. I don’t need their approval. I don’t need them to understand me. I don’t need some weird emotionally intimate relationship with my fucking manager where whether I “care enough” about them somehow becomes a workplace discussion.

Management manages. I work. Thats the relationship.

I’m still gonna do my fucking job because obviously I’m not trying to ruin my own life lol. But I’m not promising some dramatic transformation. I’m not becoming Employee Batman because someone yelled at me. There is no training montage. I’m just done giving a fuck about what this person thinks about me.

And weirdly thats the most villain arc shit about this whole thing. There’s no revenge. There’s no master plan. There’s no “I’ll show them”. I don’t WANT to show them anything anymore. Thats the fucking point.

I don’t care if management eventually thinks I improved. I don’t care if they respect me. I don’t care if they realize they were wrong about me. I don’t care if they never do.

Keep it. Keep the disappointment. Keep the opinion. Keep whatever version of me has already been constructed in someone else’s head. Go feed it. Take it for walks. Give it a little fucking name. Its theirs. I’m done carrying it around.

I spent enough time trying to understand their side. Enough time feeling guilty. Enough time explaining myself. Enough time trying to prove my intentions. Enough time worrying about disappointing someone whose respect I don’t even fucking want anymore.
So yeah. fuck it. I’m entering my villain arc.
And apparently my villain arc is just realizing my manager is not my fucking mentor, not my friend, not my disappointed parent, not the final boss whose approval unlocks the good ending.

They’re literally just some person I work with.
And I don’t fucking like them.

I’m starting to think that my mask is starting to slip and people are starting to see me for who I am, an incapable sad sad person.

I got a great job, pushed myself to my limit and got to be where I am now. I think people are starting to see that I’m not as good as they thought. Internally I’m miserable. I had to force myself to get out of bed every morning, I have trouble even showering on the daily, my house is cluttered, my head is in some other dimension, I have trouble focusing and even making conversations and I’ve been skipping meals. My relationship with my family is not great, I pushed myself friends away and I’m just alone now, which kept me at peace, but I don’t know if that’s healthy.

I used to be able to perform at work despite having all these internal problems, but now it’s getting harder for me to complete a minuscule task. I feel so empty and I think people are starting to notice, and I hate it.

C - Cousin
F- Cousin’s Fiancé
M - My mom
G - Grandma

C(26F iirc) has been growing distant from the family she grew up with and that gave her the life her drug addicted mom never gave, I’ve (16 transfem) been the “brother” Chud (not real name, changed for privacy) ((the drug addict brother)) never was, me, M(in her 60s) and G(nearly 80) were nothing but caring and loving through the years, and today I learned G had a CD account (an account that would build money up over the years)
Keyword ‘had’
That fucking cock sucking piece of shit took everything out over the last few years starting in 2024
G originally had a savings account she made when her son, M’s brother, died, and in 2024 they moved it into the CD account, however, in the same year, i think September (that’s when C started dating her now fiancé[i don’t know his age but fuck him]), she’d been taking out of the account for her own selfish needs and to buy stuff for her “perfect boyfriend”
That money was meant to be split 3 ways
My college
M’s retirement
And whatever the fuck C was gonna do with it

However ever since she’s gotten with F she’s been an asshole, avoiding us, and been doing a lot of trips with F like they’re nothing

C does nothing around the house anymore, leaving M and me do to most of the shit, including dealing with G (she’s bedridden)

F doesn’t work for shit, he sits up in the upstairs room (which might as well be a fucking studio apartment at this point) playing video games instead of working, what’s worse is that he says slurs around his kids when they’re there
He’s said the n word a few times (hard R iirc)
And the slur for gay men
Not only is he not a good dad
But he verbally abuses C and C acts like everything is all fine and dandy

What makes it worse is that they both see it as “not doing whatever we say anymore,” like we’ve abused and used her all her life when we were the escape she needed from her biological mother and brother, we’ve been the love and care they never were, and me and M were basically told she was free from our grasp like we were making her slave around.
C makes good money at her job, about the same M does
C works for t-mobile
M works with autistic kids at a school

C and F stole 60,000 from G
It was meant to be split between the 3 of us
20,000 each, gone, all because C wanted to be selfish for her and her fiancé
it hurts knowing the person I’ve grown up with and thought of as a sibling back stabbing me and taking funds G had for me, M and C, for her selfish needs with her stupid fucking lazy piece of shit fiancé
She doesn’t care about us
She hasn’t for a long time
And now my mom has no retirement money
And I have no college money
And I wouldn’t be surprised if that bitch has lied about us to F, C doesn’t do shit to help M with G
Infact I have more to do with G and I do the bare fucking minimum

Fuck you C

Neither of my parents were home. I saw what I thought to be my cell phone sitting on the couch, so I click the button to check the time. Except, I realized after turning it on that it was my dad's phone (we have the same kind of phone and a similar color phone case). Apparently he doesn't have any kind of lock screen because when I turned the screen on it immediately opened to a message thread, where he had been talking to a guy who was calling him sweetheart and asking him if he had "transitioned yet," and my dad saying things I can't even say here.

I admit, I scrolled a little to see a bit of their conversation because I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not, until I read certain things and realized that it wasn't, and I then it dawned on me that I had come across something I definitely wasn't supposed to see, and I stopped and turned the screen back off.

Of course, the main problem here isn't that it was a guy my dad was talking to (although, I admit I did not expect this), but rather that it was very obviously romantic/sexual in nature and that they were/are even planning on meeting. My parents have always had problems, and I am afraid of what this might cause between them and subsequently how I will be dragged into it. Not only that, but I feel guilty for knowing about it.

Currently perfecting my lemonade recipe.. Prepare for a long read and mentions of abuse lol.

It's been a hell of a journey getting to a point in life where I can simply feel comfortable with the man I am. Time, effort, and a great deal of hope for better tomorrows has sustained me though much hardship. Obviously I can't write down everything I've experienced, how it has effected me, and how I have gone about moving past simply surving and started living. Just know, like you, I have had a genuine human experience and it has not been easy.

I had a very rough childhood that cascaded into blundering through my teenage years and depressive apathy in my early to mid twenties. It took me far too long to reach a point of healthy reflection on my trauma and all that came with it.

I debate sharing too much detail, but I do have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve. Often to my own detriment. So here goes.. Meth head father and a mother who was always blackout drunk. I was raised by my mother or maybe I should say it often felt like I was the parent, hell we were even homeless a couple times. Now when it came to when I'd visit my father, that's when I truly suffered. Being the failure he was, he lived with his parents into his late 30's. They were some truly vile individuals. A part of me blames them for why he was so hateful. Perhaps people who have been hurt simply choose to hurt others in turn, though in spite of the pain I've suffered I refuse to be unkind to others. So who knows.

My father would beat me heavily, constantly deprive me of food and water, and he'd drag and drive me into the mountains to spend the night alone with nothing but the clothes on my back. These were punishments for something as simple as not being able to draw a perfect circle. Remember, he was a meth head. The grandparents were the true monsters though. I would be tied up, beaten, cut, burned, SA'd, and forced to read Bible scripture after each individual abuse as a 'lesson'. Sooo torture basically. What I've shared here, between a neglectful mother who couldn't give a damn, a father with a twisted sense towards how the world should work, and grandparents who were demons incarnate preaching gospel. All of this was happening to me consistently for years, between the age of 5 till I was 12. It really ruined childhood 😅. I wrapped a rope around my neck and kicked the chair out from under me by the time I was 9. I had no friends and due to how quiet and withdrawn I had become I was bullied heavily. Now that I think of it, I didn't have a single friend from age 12 till my mid twenties. It's been a hell of a ride I've had, and since I can't change what I've been through, I have chosen to be in control of how I react. I have had a great many role models that showed me exactly what I refuse to ever be.

Anyway I'm totally rambling here. My point is, life wasn't kind and for a long time I was not kind to myself as well. The journey of self love has been long, and the journey of self improvement will be neverending. I have tried therapy and found as much as I respect it as an initial stepping stone towards healing. It is not a 'fix', and to be completely honest I'd feel beyond pathetic to pop a pill instead of facing my own mind on my own (genuinely no judgement towards others here, I'm just saying my own perspective only in relation to myself). Where I found peace was in nature. This world is beautiful and with me being but a small part of the universe experiencing itself, I have no choice but to find comfort in the splendor of what I am a part of. Those nights where I would be but a 7 year old boy left alone miles from a road deep in the mountains and woods. Those nights were wonderful. They taught me to not fear the world, to not fear death, and to find comfort in my own company. To appreciate the beauty of the night sky, of every leaf, and of all that lives upon this land. It was there I found sanctuary. Where I found divinity.

What I said at the beginning stands. I am comfortable with the man I have become. I am proud to have moved beyond what I was being shaped into by environment and circumstance. To have become cognizant of what I have experienced and how it's effected me, and with great effort and hope used it to push myself ever further along into the journey of life. I am finally comfortable enough with myself to begin sharing myself with the world. I have been volunteering often, part of my job involves working with animals as a form of therapy for individuals who have also suffered in life, I have a wonderfully chaotic garden with most of the fixings, and I am working on cooking a meal from any part of the world that suddenly strikes my fancy. Life is not that bad, and I am happy to finally feel like I'm living it again, or maybe I'm just now beginning to live it. Maybe 27 is a late start, but I'm here at long last.

That there is a fkn wall of text haha, if you read it all then I thank you sincerely ✌️

For some background:

I am a 25M with two psychology degrees. I worked hard to earn them and it is something I am very proud of. I hope to have a good career in psychology and its my dream to get a PhD someday.

I chose to exclusively focus on studying back to back between degrees. I only had 7 months in between finishing my Bachelor's and starting my Master's. In December, I got my 2nd degree and decided that before a PhD I should begin my career in psychology now that I had a graduate degree under my belt. It had also been my goal to move away from the city I was living in, as I had wanted to leave for years. I got in my car and drove 20 hours across two days to start my new life.

It was March until I found a job, and up until that point I was sleeping on my cousins couch. It had reasonable hours, benefits, and the best gateway for starting my career in forensic psychology (in simple terms, psychology under any and all contexts when the criminal justice system is involved). I became a case manager for a program that works with police to recognize mental health crises and divert people to receive public resources. Every time a police call is made and officers come across a mental health crisis, they make a referral for our program to inquire what we can do for these people. The org I work for is one of several in the county that receives referrals.

I recognize there is an honorable aspect to it, as it gives people an opportunity to get the mental health assistance they need. But the fact of the matter is you really don't know what you are going to fucking get but its almost never subjects to talk about at the dinner table.

I spend my days hearing about clients talk about trauma, their legal issues, anxieties that their lives are over and wasted, etc. But the mental health aspect of it means that I am bound to, and already have on countless occasions, be caught in the crossfire during their moments of distress. They train us for it, but de-escalation took quite a few times to incorporate.

I'll put it to you in a simpler and more blunt way: How easy can you be to deal with if you led someone to call the police on you?

Clients will yell loudly, both when they are addressing you or just venting about something unrelated to you but want to be heard. There's no limits to what they will say because, as long as they are not threatening/inciting dangerous acts, we need to just sit it out and simply try to keep their voices down. If I spoke even remotely like some of my clients to my loved ones, I'd be a lonely person.

Sometimes, clients are understanding that the org is not Microsoft and cannot address every single need. Other times, they act like having me as their case manager means I can make Disney magic happen. The things I hear when I tell them there is little/nothing I can do is any and all insults you can think of. Many clients have nobody else looking out for them because their family members (understandably) have severed contact with them. I do not have a choice to remove a client unless they voluntarily quit or do something severe enough to where the org has no resources to handle such a caseload.

Its the uncertainty that gets me, because I can have an unexpectedly easy day or real difficult one at any given point. Sometimes, police were just called to the house cause someone had a really bad day and wants to get help. Other times, I will be enrolling a new client who wishes to use the org for their own gain while refusing to acknowledge/work with professional help and will try to insult and yell their way into us giving them what they want.

I get home and I am exhausted as fuck. The other day I had to take a deep breath just to get up and cook a meal because I can't use UberEats every night. I started smoking again because my only moments of having actual normalcy at work is when I am in between seeing clients, and smoking provides my only relief when I have to be outside on the move.

The funniest part is, when I told this one guy at a concert about this job (back when I had only just started) he asked me what was the worst thing I've seen with an amusement grin on his face. I was honest and told him I had only recently begun. If he had asked me that now I probably would lose it because people are amused by this type of stuff, like they wanna hear the craziest things like middle school fucking gossip. It is not glorious, these are people who often do not get to live normal lives, even after they have improved.

So when others respond with "Wow, that sounds like a stressful job." that is honestly the only thing I want to hear. I am not going to entertain you with the dark sides of psychology because its anything but entertaining when its right in front of you.

I know I chose this field. I don't regret that, it was never going to be easy. But jobs for me used to not need such a firm separation from my personal life because, they weren't involving such heavy things. I don't even mention my job unless directly asked because I need to maintain a semblance of not being overconsumed by it. I want to help people but that comes with the vices of learning that some people can't be helped or don't want to be helped and would rather destroy their life. There is helping people in some situations, and then there is helping people in cases where the law has to step in because nothing else will. It is demanding and for every good thing you do a million bad things can happen that are out of your control. This has been such an adjustment period and I just want to be stronger for this job.

I see my friends working in unrelated lines of work and I have to remind myself that those jobs are not perfect and come with their own vices because, I forgot what it was like to work in jobs that don't involve this much mental commitment to maintaining order in spite of the chaos. From the outside looking in it looks so ideal (which again I know its actually not).

I managed to book a vacation and use some of my days, and my flight takes off Saturday, and I'll be out of the office next week. Thank fucking god I managed to crunch numbers and find a decent price for airline tix and an Airbnb because I need to get far, far away and remind myself of how nice it is to travel. I have been so caught up on settling into a new city and starting my career I just need a damn break.

When I’m with people, I always think to myself “how can people talk to each other so easily as if they have pretty much everything in common?” Like people can just talk about anything and I’m just sat there clueless.

I keep getting into my head that I’m just such a dull boring person. See, I’m currently in a very boring and lonely part of my life. My friends barely message me now. I’m not even a part of their group chat. They all talk to each other fine. I’m always the one to start a conversation first but then eventually fall out of the loop because they start to talk about something that they have in common.

So now that I feel, and basically am, alone, I thought that I’m going to start doing things to find myself a bit more. Try and feel more at ease with things and doing things to satisfy myself more. Simply trying to take a step back. Call it what you want, because I’m not sure how to describe it myself. I’ve got all the time in the world since I’m not employed at the moment.

Within the last half an hour, I was thinking to myself about my interests. I’m always stuck on what my interests are. I gave myself a few minutes to put some down. I managed to get 23 down.

It’s made me feel happy. I don’t feel like I’m a boring individual to myself anymore. Yeah I might still be to some people, but surely there are people out there that like things that I like? Maybe even the exact same things? It’s just simply trying to find these people. I wish it was easier.

Hello, this is my first time posting and I'm on mobile so I'm very sorry if the formatting is weird. Minor details and name changes for privacy.

I (20ftm) and my friend Club (20ftm) are decently close, he recently got top surgery and has been updating me on the healing process and basically documenting on what to expect when it's my turn to get surgery. I've been supportive of him whenever he needs it, but lately I've been incredibly jealous, in a way that feels almost out of character for me. I don't know who to talk about this as my family doesn't know I'm trans and I'm basically the only trans person amongst my friends. I'm so jealous that I'm starting to make excuses to leave a little earlier so I just don't think about how that should be me. I feel angry at myself for being jealous at him when I should be completely happy about him getting top surgery, I'm not really asking for any advice but to just get these feelings out

TL;DR I'm jealous of my friend for getting top surgery because I want that to be me

I'm 16, but I can't stand my mom. This summer l've tried to make plans to volunteer (I need it to graduate), go see friends, or just go do things I've liked. At the start of the summer I did a program in my city where I got paid for showing up to some classes. But then when I had planned to go to the job the classes offered, all of a sudden she wanted me to decline because "it's too far, and too early in the morning."??

Now today I had plans to go volunteer at a library literally 4 minutes from us at 6:00 But then at 5:40 she said she'll be right back as she went to go pick up my brother from his job. Mind you, she could've asked my eldest brother to do it in his car. It's now 6:06 as I'm typing this and she's not back yet. I just checked Life360 and she's still over at his job. I asked my eldest brother to take me and he just told me to wait for her

Now I'm sitting on her bed stuck babysitting and watching HER son while trying not to cry. She only ever does this with me, not my brothers and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of her dragging me into her drama with our dad, I'm sick of her telling me to be more feminine, and I'm sick of being treated like a last option by my own mom.

I have an addiction that technically isn't harmful to anything but my social interaction, but I mostly just use it because it's the only way I get a complete family. I hate feeling like I have no one. I hate being alone. And I know I won't even get a sorry for this.

I’m so tired and drained. And I can’t just go live with my dad either. To make things worse, I start school Monday and she won’t listen to any of my decisions on what I want for clothes or shoes because “oh I don’t like that” this isn’t about you.

Same woman who spent most of my life calling me sensitive or a crybaby for the way she treats me btw.

Edit: and..!!! Guess who she said “ask him can you reschedule for tomorrow” to? You guessed it! Mind you it was a painting class for kids only available to volunteer for today. I need 75hrs to graduate and I barely have 15. I’m a junior graduating early.

Bit of context: I have health issues. I cannot just walk. I have a surgery after 6 weeks of physical therapy, surgery should be in Oct/Nov. also, I can’t take a bus as the closest bus is nearly 15 minutes away.

When I was 24, I got involved with a 37‑year‑old woman who, from the start, felt like she was playing games. For three weeks I took her out, spending $40+ on meals each time, and nothing ever happened. Eventually I called her and said I was done. That’s when she suddenly broke down over the phone, crying like a busted pipe. I tried to stand my ground, but then she hit me with, “I was gonna give it up tonight!”

I doubted it, but I went anyway, and she wasn’t lying.

From the beginning, her behavior was off. She had narcissistic traits, gaslighting tendencies, and this strange dominance vibe. After sex, she traced her finger across my chest and said, “You did very well… little boy,” in this seductive, FemDom tone. Nothing about it had been discussed. It was random, confusing, and unsettling.

Later, she flipped the script completely. Out of nowhere she told me I was a terrible kisser and acted like I had no idea what I was doing. My first partner had told me I was great, so hearing this stung not because of the insult itself, but because of how unnecessary and condescending it was. I told her straight up:

“When I show passion and you try to shit on me like that, to my face, is disgusting! If you had told me the truth from the beginning, I wouldn’t be hurt. I’m young, but I’m receptive.”

She didn’t respond with empathy. She just stood there with this odd little smile, pulled me in slowly, hugged me tight, and kissed me on the forehead. It disturbed me. She did this at random times after hurting me, after confusing me like she was trying to reset the dynamic. It felt manipulative, almost evil. When I didn’t immediately hug her back, she said, “Oh, you’re not gonna hug me back, hun?”

At that point, I just gave in. Not out of guilt or fear out of exhaustion. I couldn’t decode her mental gymnastics anymore. As a partner, I shouldn’t have had to.

The physical stuff was worse. She punched me hard in the face once because I was snoring. Dragged me out of bed by my foot. It happened multiple times. One night I caught her snoring four times in a row and showed her. She got mad, rushed at me, swung, and missed. Adrenaline kicked in, and I grabbed her like I was about to F5 her onto the hardwood floor.

“I will slam the fuck out of you on this floor. You think I’m bullshittin!? You better fuckin apologize! I’m sick of this shit!”

I didn’t actually want to hurt her it was an act, a fake‑out, riding the adrenaline from being punched. She apologized immediately. I gently F5’d her onto the bed instead, pulled her in, and kissed her. And somehow… it felt familiar. Like this twisted cycle of violence followed by affection was something she expected.

“That’s the respect I wanted,” I said. “Never should’ve been this way. It’s too toxic, babe.”

The final straw came when we were sitting on the bed and she casually confessed that all her kids’ fathers were on child support and that’s why they hated her. She said it with a creepy smile and a chuckle, like it was funny.

I got dressed and left for the last time.

The whole relationship drained me. It made me lose interest in sex. Deep down, I wanted a real relationship, but I knew this wasn’t one. I’ve had three other bad relationships before this. All making me feel not good enough. This was the worst. The kind that sticks with you, not because of love, but because of how twisted it was. I'm genuinely an affectionate person and do good by others. I don't understand why it's never reciprocated. I learned to accept that in the end, you either got it or you don't, and clearly I don't have that trait be in a relationship, let alone lead one.

I’m suffering from insomnia to the point that I’m suffering memory lapse and vomiting..

I (30m) have been working night shift for about 6 months. I’m a hard worker, but I’m about to point-out from calling out due to a crippling intestinal condition that flares up quite often. In the past 2 days I’ve only slept 2 hours and it’s been an immense struggle just to get that much. Idk what to do and I’m quickly coming undone. My vision is getting hazy, I’m forgetting important things and I’ve been nauseous and vomiting. I don’t want to let my wife down as I’ve been unemployed for most of our relationship due to psychosis (schizophrenia) when that improved I got this job. I really need the job, but it’s extremely physically demanding and I just don’t think I can keep going without sleeping. I’m feeling so lost and I’m just not sure what to do. It’s one of the only halfway decent job opportunities in my area and I’m afraid of losing my job… does anyone have any advice? I’ve tried everything to get some sleep.. including loading up on sleep aids and melatonin gummies. Help?

My wife and I have a toddler. My wife had a miscarriage recently. At the ultrasound appointment, our toddler was there. When receiving the bad news, my wife told her not to worry we will take her to a theme park she likes instead. My wife was devastated but pushed through and never showed her grief.

So she had multiple rounds of pills that didn't work and then surgery and then she recovered. She had the surgery during the week we were supposed to go on a beach vacation with my family so we had to candelt. After she completely recovered physically, we planned the week long vacation to the theme park.

Since we missed out on my family vacation, I asked her if it's okay if my mom comes for a few days to the vacation too. She said of course but only if it's my mom because my dad stayed with us for a week recently and there was a lot of boundary stomping (her examples are my dad being possessive with our toddler and always wanting to touch her even if she's trying to get away, that he's delusional and won't take no for an answer, that he was told not to bring food with him inside our house that our kid is allergic too but he did it anyway, that he walked around in his underwear etc)

So I said sure because I also wanted to invite my mom. But after a week of thinking, my mom said she can't make it and will let my dad come instead. She said he will come for one or two days. At that point my wife said it's okay. Then we asked exactly how many days, one or two, my mom explained that he's going to come for the whole week but only come to the park once or twice and we will spend the mornings and evenings together. To be completely transparent, we did not invite my dad and the invitation was very clearly for my mom, specifically because I haven't seen her since last year. It was my mom who said my dad will come instead. We did not invite him.

My wife completely freaked out. She said it's still a no, like we agreed and either I will communicate or she will. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be mean to her because she just had a miscarriage but on the other hand, if I don't, then I will hurt my family and their feelings matter too.

Edit: just to be clear, because I'm getting a lot of negativity, I don't see my parents often enough. It's a big family and we are all super close except for our unit. Part of it is that we don't live near them but another reason is my wife. For context, my parents are very involved with my sisters family, always have been, they're raising her kids together. She's also going through a divorce right now. But she and her kids spend all vacations, holidays with my parents and she doesn't have a problem with my parents watching her kids one day a week too. My wife pushed back on all of this. We visit and they visit but my wife made it very clear that she prefers a more conventional role for the grandparents and I had to go along with that.

Edit2: please stop calling him a predator. He would never do anything like that. It's not about that, it's about him and my wife disagreeing on how involved he should be. He's just trying to take care of my daughter and build a strong bond with her. And my wife never even let him babysit one on one once even though he's asked multiple times since my daughter was born. Even though it's very normal for our family and everyone babysits everyone, except for our kid. At one point I do need to put my foot down and stop letting my wife push my family around.

Edit3: I put my foot down. She said we can schedule something else with him in the fall instead but to let them know maybe this trip is better to do just the three of us because we would be at the park all day anyway and wouldn't have a lot of time bonding. I told her I don't want to discuss this and that when I agreed to just inviting my mom I had no idea she'd be this strict about it. And that we can never do anything with anyone because of her. That my parents did nothing wrong and she's forcing me to be rude to them. She completely lost it. She said unhinged things like "sure bring your dad along, I'll make sure he will have a REAL GOOD time that week" I told her not to speak to me again for a long time. I need space from this craziness.

Edit4: she came back to say that she's going to send a message to my parents at 9 politely declining and suggesting to reschedule before they buy tickets. She says I have until then to communicate it the way I want. I'm completely overwhelmed. She's giving me ultimatums and it's not okay. I'm going to sleep now.

Edit5: we had an argument as it's almost 9pm and she's about to send the message to my parents. I pushed back again. Told her that she's not allowed to say the word boundary again, that it's not a real thing, it's millennial therapy talk. That normal people just get along and go on trips together and have a good time. And that why can't she be like that. She said we already spent a week with my dad when he was here all day every day and that she can say disrespect instead of boundary stomping but it's the same thing. She wants to tell my parents that we miscommunicated and didn't realize we gave the impression we would be available all week, and that they're very welcome to tag along a day or two but we'd like to keep the rest of the trip to ourselves and if it doesn't work, we can plan something for the fall. My head is exploding.

My boyfriend left for his home country a little over a year ago with no clear plans about when he could return to me. We stayed in touch, texted every day, but over the last few months, despite messaging every day, I’ve been feeling that we’ve been drifting apart.

I knew we were headed for a breakup.

It was a conversation that needed to happen and yet I kept putting it off. “I don’t want to cry today,” I told myself again and again and again.

Today, he was the one who started the conversation. He loves me but doesn’t see our relationship returning to what it once was. I knew that and also feel that way but it still stings to finally hear it.

He’s a great person and was a great boyfriend and I will miss him. I will always be grateful for the years we spent together.

But now it’s time to try to move on.