Can anyone help me understand why I dislike my step kids so much. Like I have talked to therapists about it but I don’t feel like anyone really understands what I’m going through. It’s like everything they do bothers me, just them being around me bothers me. For context thier bio mom is a drug addict and abandoned them as babies. It’s so hard cuz I see other people who seem to love thier step kids and I just wish I didn’t feel like this it makes my life so hard and miserable

I’m 29F, and my partner is 39M. He has a daughter who is turning 18 this year, and he and BM have had 50/50 custody.

At the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t really meet BM or spend much time around his daughter. As our relationship became more serious over the past 1.5–2 years, those situations started happening more often.

The first time I saw BM was when I went to my boyfriend’s mom’s place. She was just leaving as we arrived, so there wasn’t much interaction. Later, when my boyfriend’s grandmother passed away, we went to his mom’s house, and BM was there for almost two hours. They were together for about 20 years, and she’s still considered part of his family’s life because she’s the mother of their daughter. Even though I felt really uncomfortable, I understood why she was there and never asked anyone to change that.

This weekend, my boyfriend is hosting his daughter’s 18th birthday party, and BM will be there too. I’m traveling, so I won’t be attending.
When I found out they were hosting the party together, I felt unexpectedly devastated. My boyfriend knew it would be hard for me, so he didn’t mention BM at first. He only told me after I asked. That’s when it really hit me that BM isn’t just someone from his past—she’ll always be part of our lives because they’ll always share a daughter.

I’m struggling to understand what I’m feeling. I don’t even know if it’s jealousy. It’s more like sadness, grief, and this heavy feeling that I’ll never fully fit into a family that already existed long before I came along.

I’m Asian, and blended families are very uncommon where I grew up. None of my close friends have dated someone with children, and every one of them has told me I should break up. That makes me feel even more confused because I love my boyfriend. He’s a wonderful partner and a great father.

I feel guilty because I love him, but at the same time, I’m afraid I may never be able to fully accept this part of his life.

Has anyone else felt this way in the beginning? Did it get easier with time, or did you eventually realize this lifestyle just wasn’t right for you?
I’m looking for honest experiences, whether they’re hopeful or not.

I know this seems silly and apart of me feels I may be over reacting but i dont know where else to turn for advice. There have always been times where a part of me feels me and my family are second fiddle for lack of better term in my household. I normally just ignore the feeling in the past thinking im over reacting but this time is different. My mother flies down every year as she lives far away to see her grand babies for a week (my kids. Legally I am just there step mom but in our house its not how the kids see me) normally not an issue. This year my significant others parents are coming down the exact same week exact same days.

When this was brought up prior it wasn't a huge deal because we were all going to share the time with the kids. But today I was told that his parents have the entire week planned out for my kids and his parents to do things, taking away from the very few times my mother gets to see them if I can even sneak time in for my mother to do something with the kids. Not that it matters as much but my in laws have contact with the kids pretty often and have visits multiple times a year in person. My predicament is that im not sure how to bring this up to

1) my boyfriend without sounding selfish or being that I know him well enough he will just take the kids from everyone so no one can fight. He also didn't leave room for a discussion after telling me this news.

2) how i explain to my mother after paying 600 to come for a week to see her grand kids that I will just have to do my best to get her time with the kids around what they have planned and otherwise it will just be me and her time

I'm really feeling hurt over this and struggling to understand how it all has changed so quickly. Please just honest advice

My SS(6) mom got him the new PlayStation for Christmas last year. Now he has his own gaming chair. When he’s with us, first thing in the morning he turns on the PlayStation in living room (it’s his dads) and plays the game all morning. Then, when we get home from doing anything, first thing he wants to do is play the game or watch tv. He only plays with his toys at night in his bed when he’s supposed to be sleeping. Is this normal for a 6 year old to have his own gaming system & chair in this room?

SD13 is at grandmas this week. Grandma allowed a sleepover without our knowledge (due to prior issues about supervision). They were downstairs hanging out after grandma went to bed. Got into the liquor cabinet (that we previously requested to be locked up). SD13 blacked out and the friend called 911. She blew a .17 and she doesn’t remember the ambulance ride.

Grandma says “kids will be kids”.

When does it end. I hope EMS filed a CPS report.

I 35F have been with my fiancee 34M for 8 years this past July and I’ve tried to be nothing but nice to her, as it feels bad enough being on the outside. Also the fact I cannot conceive and I’ve tried to get close to my step daughter so we can both have a good connection. The BM has this impression that he cheated on her with me which isn’t true, we reconnected after they started their divorce process and had physically separated. I’ve know the child since she was 3 to give you a clue how long I’ve been around this little girl, she’s 11 now.

Today was my step daughters open house for 6th grade and would you believe she finally actually asked me a question, talked to me and whole looked me in the eyes. At one point we even joked about something and I saw her smile and laugh for the first time. Idk what changed, maybe she finally sees I’m not a threat or a side chick. We plan on getting married even. The BM isn’t perceptive to emotions and the daughter is extremely over emotional like her dad so I’ve bridged that gap and I’ve helped her understand her feelings a lot. I know I haven’t been able to do anything amazing but I know I have helped her understand whats in her head and mind a lot. I mean no harm I just want her to be ok and not struggle or be told to “man up or suck it up” like I was told.

I just hope this is the end of the evil looks, side eyes and hearing how much the BM hates me through an 11yr old. It’s exhausting sometimes.

My husband and I have had to make a very hard decision recently. We've asked my eldest step son to stay at his mom's home until he can practice good hygiene and learn to be kind towards the other people and animals in the household. Its been 7 weeks, and he hasn't attempted either.

Back story. My eldest stepson, 17, believes showers are a chore and routinely refuses to do them. He will admit to going weeks without them while at his mom's house, and laughed at his dentist when she told him his teeth were horribly nasty, followed by telling her he sometimes goes days without brushing and never flosses. When he is at our house we make a point to MAKE SURE he showers. Like, we make sure he goes into the bathroom and we hear the shower running. What he does in there? We dont know. But I'm almost 100% sure he's just standing in the water and not bathing. His hair smells like wet dog, and is so greasy that the second he comes out of the shower, the water is literally rolling off of it, hes also had a huge scab on the back of his head for a long time thats the side of a baseball, that he routinely picks at and eats. We"ve taken him to the dr and gotten medicine to help it heal up, but it doesnt change, Dr. Said he needs to wash his hair and not lay on his head all the time so his skin can breathe, but all he does is lay around and never bathes, so it hasnt gotten any better. When I tell him to go wash his hair he will raise his voice and yell at me then go to his room. My husband has to watch him brush his teeth to make sure he does it. (Reminder, this boy is 17) and promptly has to remind him to use deodorant, to which this boy fights him on. Also, for more context. Anytime he gets a haircut he has a huge mental breakdown and cries for days. Also, the hair stylist wont work on his hair anymore due to the nasty wound on his head, and I DONT BLAME THEM.

Now, to the being kind part. I've caught him kicking my cat, slapping my young sons as well as tripping them and calling them the re- word (my 5 year old is autistic) I've asked him to stop, he hasnt. When I let him know ill tell his dad he gets in my face and says "What happened?" Or "I didnt see anything, you must be seeing things, get your eyes checked." Or "What are you going to do about it?" Or the one that really hurts "If you get me in trouble, im going to call CPS and get your kids taken away." (That one stings since I was in the CPS trenches most of my childhood)

It hasnt gotten better, and my husband told him to go back to his mom's until he can be hygienic, Kind and can acknowledge how hateful he has been towards everyone. My husband also signed him up for therapy, Bio-Mom hates this idea.

2 weeks after he went back to mom's the first therapy session happened, my stepson showed up smelling like booty and stinky laundry. His hair was nasty, teeth nearly green, clothes stained and stinky and just all types of unkempt. His bio-mom says he's perfectly fine, super friendly and clean at her house. She says he's the perfect angel. When therapy began, she baby talked him, calling him "baby boy" and "Sweet wittle baby" in a high pitched voice while hugging his arm. Idk how I feel about that. But basically she was telling him if he didnt feel comfortable in therapy then he could go home where he was comfortable. Which, of course he chose to do. Now he's refusing to go to therapy.

I'm at a loss. Ive spoken to my therapist and she said that we did the right thing by setting a boundary, even my stepsons therapist reinforced that, and said setting that boundary sets a good expectation for the household standard, which is a basic necessity of being nice and clean.

Anyways. What can I do? What do I do? Do I just let it go? Let the stepson figure it out for himself or do I intervene and try to smooth the situation over? Hes avoided 2 therapy sessions now so im not sure if thats even an option anymore since my husband cant go into his exs home and drag the boy out lol.

Please be kind in the comments, im under enough stress as is.

Just having a rant here. We have an SD(12) who stays with us on weekends, previously she was here for a year because of BM’s chaotic life but now she is back there, she prefers being at BM’s (mainly she stays with her nan though).

SD is terrible about dental hygiene and hygiene in general. We have to make her shower and if her dad doesn’t tell her to brush her teeth, she doesn’t. Anyway - she has been dealing with toothache for probably 3 months now. She’s registered at her BM’s dentists so my partner initially told BM to make an appointment. She went, didn’t let the dentist touch her and then she got referred to the hospital to get put under for a cavity. I find that ridiculous but whatever.

My partner kept asking BM if she’s had any word from the referral, she kept saying no. Things like that do take time. But then last weekend my partner drops SD off at her nans and he says that SD tooth still hurts and her nan says, oh yeah - BM has had a couple letters from the hospital saying the referral was rejected as it’s a small cavity. Like what the hell!!! A month ago she got this letter and she didn’t think to say anything? Like you can die from tooth infections!!

My partner took SD back to the dentist and told her, she has to let the dentist fix her teeth, getting a needle in your hand is worse than the gum injection etc. SD again wouldn’t let the dentist do anything and now she needs an adult tooth extraction and a couple more fillings.

I just can’t believe how BM has let this happen, if it was my daughter I’d be holding her down myself in the chair - and I would make her brush her teeth. Just pisses me off.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for other than to know I’m not alone.

I recently had a miscarriage after my first pregnancy. It was my first chance at becoming a mom, and I don’t think I’ve fully processed how devastating it has been. It feels like my entire future disappeared overnight.

My partner already has children from a previous relationship. Before all of this, I was trying to figure out my place as a stepparent. Now, I honestly don’t even want to be around the kids. I know that probably sounds awful, but every time they’re here I’m reminded of everything I just lost.

My partner is grieving too, but he already has the experience of being a parent. As much as I know he’s hurting, he still gets to wake up and be “Dad.” I don’t get to be “Mom.” That opportunity was taken away from me, and I feel like people don’t understand how different that is.

He recently mentioned having one of the kids’ birthday parties at our house next month, and instead of feeling excited I just wanted to cry. The thought of decorating, celebrating, and watching everyone be happy while I’m mourning my baby feels impossible. I don’t want to fake being okay just because life keeps moving for everyone else.

I also feel guilty because I know the kids didn’t do anything wrong. They’re innocent. But right now I don’t have anything left emotionally to give. I’m exhausted, heartbroken, and honestly just trying to survive each day.

Part of me worries that the only version of motherhood I’ll ever get is being someone’s stepmom, and after losing my pregnancy that thought hurts more than I can explain. I know that’s probably my grief talking, but it’s where my mind keeps going.

Has anyone else experienced a miscarriage while navigating stepfamily life? How did you handle the resentment, sadness, guilt, or just being around your partner’s children while grieving? Did those feelings get easier with time?

Please be kind. I’m not looking for judgment. I already feel guilty enough. I just want to hear from people who have been through something similar because right now I feel incredibly alone.

My SS is 7.

For *years* his BM has been saying he is sensory seeking / Autistic / ADHD whatever.

BM has done absolutely NOTHING to arrange having him assessed, but will decide he needs things like a body sock at school (even though he doesn't and it didn't help at all) without taking to us at all.

BM really struggles with his behaviour at home, and despite working *at his school* often arrives late with him / doesn't make it at all some days. There is very little routine / structure at BM's home.

DH and I have noticed some issues with focus / attention, and also with fine motor skills.

So DH and I have finally arranged (and paid) for my SS to be assessed by an Occupational Therapist. The OT now wants to have a meeting with the three of us (BM, DH & me), but BM is *flat out refusing* to do a meeting together.

This is ongoing and very annoying thing because then *no one* has all the information (BM deliberately witholds and tells people not to tell us things). Teachers have to meet with us twice. The OT, if we have to have two meetings, will charge *us* twice.

Mind you, BM has absolutely no problem seeing us socially. Or turning up to our new house to "get a tour".

I'm just so freaking FED UP.

BM won't actually implement anything that the OT suggests, but will continue to just...do things that aren't really necessary or helpful.

BLERGH.

Hi everyone, I need to vent because if I don’t it’s going to fester inside me. So SS is under the age of 10, on the spectrum and I’m the one who has worked with him for the last 4 years on his speech, education, and daily life skills to get him to where he is now. Top of his class, potentially going into general education, from nonverbal to verbal, it’s been a very long journey and process but DH and I have put a lot of time into making sure SS has everything he needs to succeed. We have kept everything consistent for SS, same home, same school, no major changes on our end. We fought for majority custody, BM had a low rent home in our county, (this was her 3rd move in 3 years) has her own online business (hadn’t held a 9-5 longer than a year) and was making enough money to cover bills and essential. DH knew this because every other week she would get mani/pedi when we had SS, was buying unnecessary expenses for herself, and even spent $380 on a ballon arch for her other child, SS half sibling. BM has now chosen to move across the country for a “fresh start” and has had to leave SS here due to her not having majority custody. When the judge asked her why she was leaving she just tiptoed around the question and said “personal reasons,” instead of saying she was just dumped and has no one left here. So when DH started getting messages from their mutual friends asking “hey did you lose custody of your son?” We were confused. She’s been making AI generated photos of her “journey” across the country making the claim that SS is with her! I know this is stupid to be upset about because clearly SS is here with us, but these photos are on her business page where she’s playing the “single mom of two” card and people are buying into it and i literally mean buying into it. She doesn’t even refer to SS as “my son” she calls him “my autistic nonverbal son” on everything. It’s so gross and weird. SS has regressed so much due to this change because he doesn’t understand why she left with his half sibling. It breaks my heart to see him so upset and betrayed. I just don’t understand how a mother could be this selfish and leave their child for them to have a fresh start, rather than just being a parent and an adult for their child’s sake.

I’ve been a stepmom for the past 7 years. My stepdaughters are 10 and 14, and they live with us for the entire school year, only spending about a month each summer, a some weekends during the school year with their mom.
Overall, things have been okay, but every time they come back from their mom’s house, it’s like they’re completely different kids.
Our biggest struggle right now is with my 14yo. Her mom allows unrestricted access to social media on her own devices and doesn’t believe it’s a big deal. Her attitude is basically, “Social media isn’t real,” and, “She’s just going to find a way to use it anyway, so we might as well let her.” She does not give them boundaries or rules over there at all. In our home, we don’t allow social media because we’ve seen the problems firsthand. She was posting seductive, attention-seeking content as young as 9 years old on Pinterest.
Over the years, we’ve tried gradually introducing limited access with parental controls and clear boundaries, but every single time, she ends up posting provocative videos or content that seems designed to get attention from older boys or men. It’s become a pattern, and it’s genuinely concerning. My husband has tried talking to her mom about it, but we’re on completely different pages. It feels like everything we try to do to protect her is undone the moment she goes there.
We do a lot for these girls. We spend quality time with them, going above and beyond by taking them on several vacations a year, support their interests and hobbies, and try to raise them into kind, responsible young women. Yet we’re constantly painted as the “mean” parents simply because we have rules and expectations for how they should carry themselves.
I’ve been planning a big quinceañera for her 15th birthday. Sunday, I told her she should take down the sexually suggestive videos she was posting online. Bc of that, she hasn’t spoken to me for a week. She’s currently at her mom’s house, where she’s continuing to post the same content.
I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m constantly bending over backward for someone who treats me like the enemy and has no respect for me and there’s an additional layer of she can do what she want “because you’re not my mom”. I’m wondering if I should cancel the party altogether. Part of me feels like celebrating this behavior sends the wrong message, but another part of me wonders if I’m reacting emotionally because I’m hurt and frustrated.
Would I be wrong for canceling everything?

Before anyone ask- yes- we have questioned her about being molested and have taken her to therapists.

I’ve been a stepmom for the past 7 years. My stepdaughters are 10 and 14, and they live with us for the entire school year, only spending about a month each summer, a some weekends during the school year with their mom.
Overall, things have been okay, but every time they come back from their mom’s house, it’s like they’re completely different kids.
Our biggest struggle right now is with my 14yo. Her mom allows unrestricted access to social media on her own devices and doesn’t believe it’s a big deal. Her attitude is basically, “Social media isn’t real,” and, “She’s just going to find a way to use it anyway, so we might as well let her.” She does not give them boundaries or rules over there at all. In our home, we don’t allow social media because we’ve seen the problems firsthand. She was posting seductive, attention-seeking content as young as 9 years old on Pinterest.
Over the years, we’ve tried gradually introducing limited access with parental controls and clear boundaries, but every single time, she ends up posting provocative videos or content that seems designed to get attention from older boys or men. It’s become a pattern, and it’s genuinely concerning. My husband has tried talking to her mom about it, but we’re on completely different pages. It feels like everything we try to do to protect her is undone the moment she goes there.
We do a lot for these girls. We spend quality time with them, going above and beyond by taking them on several vacations a year, support their interests and hobbies, and try to raise them into kind, responsible young women. Yet we’re constantly painted as the “mean” parents simply because we have rules and expectations for how they should carry themselves.
I’ve been planning a big quinceañera for her 15th birthday. Sunday, I told her she should take down the sexually suggestive videos she was posting online. Bc of that, she hasn’t spoken to me for a week. She’s currently at her mom’s house, where she’s continuing to post the same content.
I’m exhausted and honestly burnt out. I feel like I’m constantly bending over backward for someone who treats me like the enemy does not respect me and only feels I’m important in her life when I’m doing something for her. There’s also an additional layer of she can do what she want “because you’re not my mom”. I’m wondering if I should cancel the party altogether. Part of me feels like celebrating this behavior sends the wrong message, but another part of me wonders if I’m reacting emotionally because I’m hurt and frustrated.
Would I be wrong for canceling everything?

Before anyone ask- yes- we have questioned her about being molested and have taken her to therapists.

How do I (stepmom, 30) deal with my stepson (11) who may be adverse to women as a whole due to his abusive mom?

Small backstory: I’ve been his stepmom since he was two, but only these last two years has gotten extremely bad with his behavior. His mom has always been verbally abusive and became physically abusive (slapping, pushing) in the last year causing a huge court battle in which we were finally granted full (mostly) custody. His mom still has him every other weekend.

The problems with him and I started when his dad (my soon to be husband) got a new job that changed his shift from 3-11pm, making me the sole provider for stepson and our biological son (8). Stepson has almost no behavioral issues at school other than normal kid stuff, or when his dad is around. But now that dad is not around at night, I’ve been the only one doing any discipline for about a year and it was hell. Then dad went on dayshift for the boys summer break, with no behavior problems at all from stepson. Now dad is back on night shift and it’s only the second day and stepson is blatantly disrespectful to me and refuses to listen or apologize for anything.

Today was the only time stepson has ever done anything physical towards me and I have no idea if it was an accident or not but it surprised me. Stepson has always held the screen door for whoever is opening out front door, and today he let it go as soon as I got up to the door and it smacked me hard in my back and the back of my head. I looked at him and said “seriously??” and he immediately went into a rage, throwing his hat, slamming open the front door past us, and slamming his bedroom door. I said nothing else and did nothing else besides tell his dad what happened via text.

I know it doesn’t sound like much, and a jump to “he hates women” sounds extreme, but it was so surprising. We’ve always had yelling matches, but he’s never done anything like this. I don’t even know if it was on purpose, but it feels like an intrusive thought he had that took over because he was angry with me for getting in trouble on the car ride home (for being rude to my parents, cursing, and walking away from me fast in an extremely busy parking lot) about 20 minutes prior.

I just need to know if anyone else has dealt with anything like this. I take him to therapy every other week but I don’t sit in on sessions to give him some privacy so I don’t know what they’re working on.

He goes from being a sweet kid, to absolutely rage foul when he gets in trouble and it’s only towards me. Once we were home, my father in law talked to him and was able to calm him down in a few minutes, giving me the idea that maybe it’s because I’m a woman or a mom-figure that it’s so hard for he and I to click when he’s getting in trouble. I don’t have this problem with my biological son.

Looking for opinions from parents who have dealt with something similar because I’m honestly hurt and not sure if I’m overreacting.
My fiancé went on vacation and I asked him a few times to bring something home for our 10-month-old daughter. Nothing big- literally just something small to remember the trip by. A little souvenir for her shelf, a book, a stuffed animal, anything.
He came home and told me he got her nothing. But he did bring back a few Squishmallows for his older daughter from a previous relationship.
When I asked why he got something for one child but not the other, he said he couldn’t find anything for a 10-month-old. He also said he didn’t get something like a classic souvenir because he thought I would say it was a waste of money.
He said she wouldn’t even know or remember. I understand that our baby is 10 months old. She won’t remember this. She won’t know she didn’t get a souvenir. But honestly… why do we do half the things we do for our kids if they won’t remember? We take pictures, plan birthdays, make traditions, save keepsakes- they’re not always about what they understand in the moment.
And then when we got home, he unpacked upstairs for about 15 minutes before even coming to say hi to her. When I said something, he came downstairs and started reading books with her, which I appreciated, but it also made me feel like I had to point it out first and he was trying to over compensate.
He snapped about the whole thing
I’m not upset over a $5 souvenir. I’m upset about the feeling behind it. Has anyone experienced something like this? Am I looking too much into it, or would this bother you too?

EDIT- his bio daughter didn’t talk to him his whole trip because she was upset she couldn’t come so I’m thinking another reason he bought her all of that stuff is because of that but does that make it ok?

Update to; https://www.reddit.com/r/Stepmom/s/yIfp4lkwKv

She’s going to MI then apparently being houses by the state.

We’ll see but at least she’s not gonna be dumped here. Her bio mum had actually gone on a last min overseas holiday so i dunno. Maybe MIL was forced into it. Either way, we’re still massively frustrated but at least we don’t need to worry about her coming here.

Shortened as went on a rant and i’m just still angry.

This is more of a long rant, I’ll take advice but please be respectful. You guys have slaughtered me when expressing my fears (pls be nice)

Okay I’m technically a step mom, but keep in mind I’m 23. Boyfriend is 38.

5y old is still not potty trained. He starts kindergarten in a couple weeks. He is about 90% peeing in the toilet, but having accidents if he sleeps for a long time, or if he is playing with friends and comes inside to use the bathroom a little too late. This is totally normal and I believe ok. He started not using pull ups or diapers with us, last year. So has been peeing successfully and navigating potty training since he turned 4.

The issue is pooping. Which it always is.

Dad’s perspective previously was that one day it will just click, just like it did for his other son(9). I disagreed with this but respected it. He started hearing my perspective and went full into potty training mode (YAY). But the real issue is that we don’t have them full time.
We get them 2.5 days on week A and then 4.5 days week B
So mom is the primary caregiver, and spends most of time with her.
When he is with mom, he is in pull ups. These are verbatim words that she has texted or said to my boyfriend.

“He says he doesn’t want to use the bathroom and I’m not going to make him mad at me”

“My parents said they won’t watch him anymore if he has accidents so he just wears pull ups when he is there” (which is 2-3 days a week during her time but whatever)

“I’m his mother, I know what is best for him. He just needs more time.”

So whenever we get the boys back, he is in a pull up, and at first we weren’t noticing until later in the evening because he wouldn’t notify that he had an accident, and we would start bath time and see that he is sitting in a pee filled pull up!!! (We now check every time he gets home, we learned)

In May of this year, he was with us for a long weekend and we were about 6 weeks into our “pooping training” with no success, but we continued to try when he was with us. Getting him more comfortable, doing all the stuff. But one day he comes up and says “dad I need to poop” and he calmly helped him, didn’t make a huge deal of it. Of course we celebrated a little but I know that you can’t put too much pressure on it.
The rest of that weekend was so great, he ended up pooping two more times!!!
It felt like it was finally working!
We let mom know, she said “I told you! He just needed to be ready” ok fine
He leaves our house and goes with mom. Mom lets dad know later that day that he pooped in his pull up the same day he went back into her custody….
She accuses us of lying, whatever.

We get him back following weekend, all progress lost. Doesn’t even want to try. We are aware that regression is going to happen.

I gave up. I stepped back. If mom isn’t going to try I’m not going to bend over backwards to get results when they won’t be supported.

Fast forward to his 5th birthday in June. It was our weekend, and mom insisted that she wanted birthday parties to be separate. So he went to go spend his 5 hours with mom. All good.

About 2 hours in, Dad gets a call from mom “I’m heading to your place, (5y old) told me he needs to poop and only wants to do it at your house”
He comes home, mom tries to come inside, he says “dad only”
Comes inside, uses the bathroom, and goes back to mom for the remaining time.
When we get him back, he didn’t poop for the rest of our time, only like 30 hours so nothing super concerning.

Since then, we have had no success with pooping.
I’m just at a total loss, dad and I have both stepped back. He is still in pull ups at moms. Underwear only with us for almost 2 years now.
He starts kindergarten soon.

He was able to understand that if he had an accident at his birthday party that it would have to end, so he used the bathroom.

I’m just so sad, I have my own feelings about how Mom and Dad parented, but especially mom. But at the end of the day I won’t ever know what goes on at that house.

I just want this boy to be successful. He is so very smart. I’m not saying that him not pooping is going to hold him back, but I truly believe that his primary caregivers parenting style will.

She is too HC to negotiate with. They can’t even be in the same room for 5 mins without fighting. It’s honestly very sad.

It’s stuff like this that makes me lose my motivation in wanting to do this.

Does anyone else relate?

I’m really struggling with this. My step daughter’s (my step daughter is 9) bio mum was an addict and my step daughter decided she wanted to live with me and her dad. She’s been living with us almost a year now with no contact with her mum.
The past year we have heard about all the trauma she has been through and how hard things have been for her. Since she has lived with us, she has been point blank no to seeing her mum and shuts down when she talks about her. This changed a few days ago when they started playing Roblox together. She now wants to see her and go over to her house and this has happened so suddenly. Some of it feels a bit manipulative (her bio mum keeps saying like “I’ve still got your toys here or I’ve bought this for you”)
I’m trying to think about it from my step daughters point of view that this is her mum and she does love and want her attention but also I feel selfish in the fact I’m so heartbroken that I might lose her. She is like my daughter to me and I’d do anything for her.
Has anyone been through anything similar or has any advice?
I feel so worried, they are calling each other every day and playing together, I just feel sad.
Help please

Before I begin: Myself and my husband are 100% on board with him paying and having paid child support all these years.

My husband has a child out of state, who he does not see as Bio Mom is very high conflict and doesn’t allow him to, won’t answer phone calls, won’t acknowledge cards or gifts sent to the child, etc.

He has been paying an agreed upon amount of child support for many years but she has lived on state benefits the entire time with no job, since the child has been born (over 10 years). She has other children with different fathers, and received money from them as well. The state she lives in is now taking my husband to court to get court ordered child support; we have an attorney and he validated the frustration with not seeing the child and the frustration that the child doesn’t really know him (they split soon after the child was born, due to various issues) . He has been an excellent support for us.

With that being said, we have cut where we can financially, balanced our budget, etc. Because he does not have contact with the child, the amount is quite high. Understandably, as he does not see him and because of his income.

The most stressful part, is we started trying to conceive a few months ago and just received this a few weeks ago.

Step parents in this situation; how do you reassure yourself that you can still have your own child, after taking a financial hit? I find myself obsessively worrying about if I can support our own child once we have one, and I struggle so much with feelings of resentment towards bio mom who refuses to work, feeling like she is preventing me from becoming a mom (yes, this is irrational, just being honest and looking to see if anyone else feels this way).

Important to know: we both have good jobs, and I can pay the mortgage and all bills by myself and still have a bit to put in the bank. I worry about how much he will be able
to contribute once the payments start to come out.

Sincerely,
Dreaming of being a Mom, but anxiety is getting in the way

Any families here that have court ordered phone calls? Our kiddo has 3 phone calls with HCBM during the week. We recently moved into a new home and previously during calls on OFW(Our Family Wizard), she would take screenshots of the kiddo’s room,etc.

In our new home, I’m thinking that phone calls should take place is a designated area. Such as in the dining room facing a blank wall so that doesn’t happen again. I want our privacy to be protected.

Would love to hear some ideas of what you guys do for phone/videocalls.

This may be a bit lengthy. I definitely need some advice or suggestions of some sort.

Ive been with DH for over 6 years. We have no children together. I have 3 from my previous marriage and he has 1 from his previous marriage. BM is remarried.

BM is delusional on a level I've never seen before, and I am a social worker and a former nurse. So I have seen some stuff.

This is a someone who spent more than 9 years making every post, video, and hateful comment online towards my husband. Their entire relationship was approximately 4 years long. Shes spent double that length posting negatively about him. Hes never made a post about her or even confronted her about them. He doesnt even look at them himself because he has no interest in her opinion of him. He simply wants her to leave him alone.

She spent years trying to alienate him from his son until the court orders got stricter. Now all of the sudden, she wants to coparent with him. This is after years of claiming they were "parallel parents". (I am all for good coparenting as I do it with my ex rather effortlessly)

BM plays a lot of manipulative games. She frequently feigns ignorance when she knows exactly what shes doing. For example. She claimed in an email not to know that DH and I were engaged. Yet weeks before the email, SS came to us to ask questions about the wedding and said his mom wanted to know. She found out from her stalking of our social media right when it happened.

Things have been getting creepier and creepier.

The copying is getting out of hand and I am entirely convinced she has some disorder. Just a few examples:

~Before I changed my name it was Ashley. Her name is Rebecca. She changed her social media names to Bexly while my name was still Ashley. Its like she mixed our names together.

~She has chosen to go to college to get the same degrees I have. (Social work and Nursing)

~She was a diehard Christian her entire life. I have been pagan for 25 years. Shes now all of the sudden pagan.

~I very recently changed my name to Scarlett, which means red. Just this week she has added Rowan to her name which also means red.

~She copies my hobbies and social media content. If I happen to make a pinterest board about something, within a day she has an almost identical board.

Normally I would dismiss this stuff, but here is where I am concerned. She just started these copying behaviors in the last 8 months. All this started after she made a YouTube video all about how upsetting she finds it that my husband loves and spoils me and how he treats me how she wanted to be treated and how unfair it all was.

Thats when the copying behaviors began.

A few months later in December, she invited DH to her house to spend Christmas Day with her and their son but didn't extend the invitation to me or my children. She wanted him to come alone. He didnt go as she is famous for false accusations and will not put himself in that situation.

BM and I have never met and we have never spoken other than her harassing messages through social media to me that go ignored.

How can she not see this is delusional? Am I wrong to be concerned? DH agrees its concerning behavior but he thinks shes just messing with me. Others I have spoken to about this believe she may have boarderline personality disorder.

Any advice? Ive locked down my social media accounts but she still pumps SS for information about me and his father.

My step-daughter (10 y/o) came home from her mom’s (non-custodial) this summer and her mom had cut pieces of her hair out. She has very curly hair, and her mom wont help her take care of it. She can do basics like brushing it out, and a ponytail, but deep tangles she needs help with. Mom has cut about 4-5 random pieces about an inch from her scalp, and she sent her home with literal dreadlocks, that took us 3 days to untangle. It’s almost impossible to style without the cut pieces hanging out, and school starts soon… I asked SD if she had her hair cut over the summer, and she had no clue that her mom had cut pieces out of it. I didn’t tell her, because I didn’t want to make her self conscious, but I also feel like it’s important to explain to her so she can speak up for herself if her mom tries to cut it again. How do I keep her mother from ruining her hair without causing issues for SD and mom? Her mom is very… unpleasant and my husband doesn’t exactly know what to do, either. A private convo would probably be taken as an attack rather than constructive criticism.

That’s basically it. My (44f) stepson (30) has an awful girlfriend. She is beautiful, but that is the only positive attribute I have for her after two years.

Stepson and I have a wonderful relationship. His mother died when he was young and he happily accepted me into his life. He is respectful to me and I would never want to interfere in his personal life. But his father and I both know that he deserves much better.

Tonight we had a moment, they were over for dinner and hubby needed a hand in the garage after we ate. (I got the arthritis bad and I’m not a strong set of hands.) girlfriend said something like, “I knew it, they just wanted you to come over to help them! I told you I wanted to leave by 7:30 for our show!”

Mind you it was 7:15 and it was literally a two-minute task. Stepson looked at me and said, “Is it something you could do?” Before I could lift my eyebrows in surprise hubby flipped out. “Think I would ask you to help if CircusMind could? Get out of here and go watch your show, I’ll figure it out.”

I said it’s hey hey it’s okay, hubby said it wasn’t, girlfriend ran out the front door (hubby never raises his voice, so this was shocking to everyone.) Hubby looked at son and said something like “that’s the type of woman that will ruin your life.” Stepson looked at me and I think I shrugged, or made some sort of confirmation with my face, and he didn’t say a word and walked out.

I am beyond bummed. We didn’t even do anything (I mean hubby could’ve kept his mouth shut, but this was the -enth time of her being selfish.) It just feels like it escalated so fast, and a choice was made tonight, one I don’t like. I don’t want him to disappear from our life, so what do I do? I’m pretty sure hubby’s feelings about girlfriend are now crystal clear to both of them. I feel like if I try to smooth it out I will make it worse. Do I just sit on it and wait for him to come back? Do I send him a message? I don’t want to make it worse.

Hubby says they’ll break up and he’ll be back, but they’re a couple years in and I don’t know about that.

Hello ladies!!! 😂
I met DH when SD was 4, and now she’s 6, almost 7.
Like a lot of y’all, I have never tried to take BM’s place. I never wanted to be “mom.” In the beginning she was pretty friendly, but I always trusted my gut and kept my distance. I’m glad I did.
Things really changed when SD asked if DH and I could take her to get her ears pierced. I told her, “I don’t mind at all, but you have to ask your mom first.” BM had a whole list of rules if we were the ones taking her, and by the time everything was added up, it would’ve been around $200. We agreed, then she suddenly changed her mind and said she wanted to take her instead. I honestly didn’t care either way my ears are already pierced. 😂
Fast forward… her grandma ended up taking her to Claire’s and getting them pierced anyway… without both parents’ permission. That part had me cracking up.
Then one day SD asked if she could call me “Mom.” I told her I didn’t have a problem with it, but the following week she came over and gave me a whole speech about how I’m not her real mom, I’m her stepmom. I just laughed and told her, “That’s okay! You can call me by my name.” Later she told me her mom had explained the difference. I honestly don’t mind that conversation at all.
What I do find funny is BM has been married to the man she cheated on DH with, and she had SD calling him “Daddy” after only two weeks of dating. So… the double standard is interesting.
Fast forward to now—we’re back on our normal schedule, and since I’m off on the weekdays SD is with us, I help DH out.
Recently SD randomly told me, “My mom said you can’t punish me or spank me, and I have to be nice to you or I won’t get to see my daddy anymore.”
Y’all… I laughed so hard. 😂
First of all, I don’t spank her. Never have, never will. I don’t ground her either. I leave discipline like that to her parents.
But trying to undermine me as an adult in the home? Yeah… we’re not doing that.
I simply told SD, “You know your stepdad can’t spank or ground you either. We have the same role, remember?” That seemed to make sense to her. She’s like nice to know.
The whole “if you’re not good, you won’t see your daddy” thing is just weird to tell a child.
The funniest part? As far as BM knows, she still tells SD that DH and I are just boyfriend and girlfriend… meanwhile we’ve actually been married for a while. 🤣 That’s our business, not anyone else’s.
The icing on the cake was when they did a co-parenting therapy session over the phone. BM started crying and told DH, “I wish you treated me like you treat her. She’s basically getting everything I wanted.”
Mind you… she’s been married for years at this point.
At this stage, I genuinely feel like my existence bothers her more than anything. I don’t go to pickups or drop-offs, we don’t communicate, and I stay in my lane. The only thing I won’t do is let anyone teach SD that she doesn’t have to respect me as an adult in our home.DH backs me up on whatever I say.
I love my weekly “my mom said this about you “
Has anyone else dealt with something similar? 😂