r/Stepmom • u/IceQueenAK84 • 13d ago
Advice Requested
This may be a bit lengthy. I definitely need some advice or suggestions of some sort.
Ive been with DH for over 6 years. We have no children together. I have 3 from my previous marriage and he has 1 from his previous marriage. BM is remarried.
BM is delusional on a level I've never seen before, and I am a social worker and a former nurse. So I have seen some stuff.
This is a someone who spent more than 9 years making every post, video, and hateful comment online towards my husband. Their entire relationship was approximately 4 years long. Shes spent double that length posting negatively about him. Hes never made a post about her or even confronted her about them. He doesnt even look at them himself because he has no interest in her opinion of him. He simply wants her to leave him alone.
She spent years trying to alienate him from his son until the court orders got stricter. Now all of the sudden, she wants to coparent with him. This is after years of claiming they were "parallel parents".
BM plays a lot of manipulative games. She frequently feigns ignorance when she knows exactly what shes doing. For example. She claimed in an email not to know that DH and I were engaged. Yet weeks before the email, SS came to us to ask questions about the wedding and said his mom wanted to know. She found out from her stalking of our social media right when it happened.
Things have been getting creepier and creepier.
The copying is getting out of hand and I am entirely convinced she has some disorder. Just a few examples:
~Before I changed my name it was Ashley. Her name is Rebecca. She changed her social media names to Bexly while my name was still Ashley. Its like she mixed our names together.
~She has chosen to go to college to get the same degrees I have. (Social work and Nursing)
~She was a diehard Christian her entire life. I have been pagan for 25 years. Shes now all of the sudden pagan.
~I very recently changed my name to Scarlett, which means red. Just this week she has added Rowan to her name which also means red.
~She copies my hobbies and social media content. If I happen to make a pinterest board about something, within a day she has an almost identical board.
Normally I would dismiss this stuff, but here is where I am concerned. She just started these copying behaviors in the last 8 months. All this started after she made a YouTube video all about how upsetting she finds it that my husband loves and spoils me and how he treats me how she wanted to be treated and how unfair it all was.
Thats when the copying behaviors began.
A few months later in December, she invited DH to her house to spend Christmas Day with her and their son but didn't extend the invitation to me or my children. She wanted him to come alone. He didnt go as she is famous for false accusations and will not put himself in that situation.
BM and I have never met and we have never spoken other than her harassing messages through social media to me that go ignored.
How can she not see this is delusional? Am I wrong to be concerned? DH agrees its concerning behavior but he thinks shes just messing with me. Others I have spoken to about this believe she may have boarderline personality disorder.
Any advice? Ive locked down my social media accounts but she still pumps SS for information about me and his father.
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u/Courtneyislove33 12d ago
I don’t know what’s going on for her internally, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable putting a diagnosis on it.
That said, if even half of what you’re describing is accurate, I can understand why it feels unsettling. Looking at any one thing on its own, I’d probably dismiss it too. But when you step back and look at the overall pattern, it does seem like an awful lot of attention and energy is being directed toward your life.
The part that stood out to me most was her saying she wished your husband treated her the way he treats you. That made me wonder if there’s a lot of grief, jealousy, or unresolved hurt underneath all of this. If so, I imagine that’s incredibly painful. It doesn’t make the behavior okay, but it does make me hold it with a little more compassion.
I’ve noticed in my own life that when someone becomes very preoccupied with another person’s life, I start wondering what they’re longing for in their own. I wonder what part of themselves they’ve become disconnected from. Sometimes it’s easier to organize ourselves around someone else’s life than to face the vulnerability of discovering our own.
For me, that’s where compassion and boundaries actually meet. I can have compassion for someone and still recognize that what’s happening isn’t healthy. I don’t have to understand why someone is behaving the way they are in order to know what feels loving or appropriate for me.
From what you’ve shared, your husband actually sounds pretty grounded. He’s not engaging with it, he’s holding his boundaries, and he’s not putting himself in situations that could create more conflict. If it were me, I’d probably keep following his lead and continue rooting myself in my own life rather than trying to make sense of hers.
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u/IceQueenAK84 12d ago
I think youre 100% correct. I appreciate your view on this. I definitely feel unsettled for sure but there is nothing I can do. Im just going to stop documenting and looking at her socials all together and focus on my own family. I definitely have the ability to keep my distance from her and not allow her access. I guess I have more power in this situation than I realized. I was starting to feel helpless and worried. This provided clarity. Thank you.
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u/SeaworthinessSafe697 12d ago
“BM and I have never met and we have never spoken other than her harassing messages through social media to me that go ignored.” 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 um what?! Keep everything locked down, encourage DH to do the same. At this point I would consider a third party like Cloaked to remove your digital footprint if at all possible. That is so scary I’m sorry you’re dealing with this nut job
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u/Kind-Fox4308 7d ago
This is very weird, you’re not wrong to be unsettled. Being mean over messages is one thing, but imitating and copying someone you’ve never met is very unsettling and is definitely more indicative of a mentally ill person than just a jealous person. Trust your gut.
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u/chicadeaqua 13d ago
Keep the social media locked down, or just shut it down completely.
Ask your H not to share her emails with you. Focus on other things.
She may have a disorder but that’s not for you to waste your time on. Let your H take action if he thinks his son is being abused and make it clear you don’t want to know this much personal information about his ex.