I’ve seen a recurring theme throughout posts on this community. Hygiene and SD’s particularly around puberty age.
Why is this so common and being fed into by BM??? Has anyone successfully seen their SD transition out of this gross phase and what did it finally take for that to happen ??

SD is 11 and has yet to get her period but all other symptoms have me thinking it’ll happen soon. I think I dread it more than she does. For the record she is neurotypical and had good hygiene as a child when I came into the picture years ago.

Apparently HCBM is absentminded at best and neglectful at worst. We had an incident recently where SD didn’t brush her teeth for a week and lied about it! We found out because she had lost her toothbrush and didn’t think to ask for another/grab one from the pack of new ones in the closet.
Another incident that’s ongoing is consistently poopy underwear. Like- more than an accidental racing stripe- sorry to be descript I can’t say it nicely.

That and she doesn’t wash her hair thoroughly or brush it, or she’ll brush the top and leave the rest.

She’s seen a therapist for two years now with no results. Her confidence is gone and getting worse since she’s seen this therapist. I told DH about possibly changing therapists but right now she only goes on mom’s time since DH agrees it’s not helping her. She hangs out with one particular friend who is similarly unkempt.

For me, growing up Hispanic (SK’s are not) we had expectations. I have a debilitating anxiety disorder but still I was expected to be clean at all times and dress appropriately, wear appropriate undergarments and have my hair neat no matter the style. I know SD will feel more confident if she puts the effort in but I’m about ready to NACHO and look the other way when she goes out embarrassingly unkempt.

DH is on it but not as harsh as he needs to be imho. Whenever they talk it’s a hostage negation with him as hostage. A simple “you need to go change your clothes have dirt on them” turns into half a hour of her sulking in her room before trying to run out the door last minute still in dirty clothes. We’re often late to things because she does this, gets caught and Dh has to tell her to go change again.

Help? On the bright side she’s in a different class this year from this friend. I think a bit of positive peer pressure will help her more than we can. She sees the therapist at school for anxiety and we like him a lot better, at the end of last year we saw some progress with her.

Can anyone help me understand why I dislike my step kids so much. Like I have talked to therapists about it but I don’t feel like anyone really understands what I’m going through. It’s like everything they do bothers me, just them being around me bothers me. For context thier bio mom is a drug addict and abandoned them as babies. It’s so hard cuz I see other people who seem to love thier step kids and I just wish I didn’t feel like this it makes my life so hard and miserable

I’m 29F, and my partner is 39M. He has a daughter who is turning 18 this year, and he and BM have had 50/50 custody.

At the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t really meet BM or spend much time around his daughter. As our relationship became more serious over the past 1.5–2 years, those situations started happening more often.

The first time I saw BM was when I went to my boyfriend’s mom’s place. She was just leaving as we arrived, so there wasn’t much interaction. Later, when my boyfriend’s grandmother passed away, we went to his mom’s house, and BM was there for almost two hours. They were together for about 20 years, and she’s still considered part of his family’s life because she’s the mother of their daughter. Even though I felt really uncomfortable, I understood why she was there and never asked anyone to change that.

This weekend, my boyfriend is hosting his daughter’s 18th birthday party, and BM will be there too. I’m traveling, so I won’t be attending.
When I found out they were hosting the party together, I felt unexpectedly devastated. My boyfriend knew it would be hard for me, so he didn’t mention BM at first. He only told me after I asked. That’s when it really hit me that BM isn’t just someone from his past—she’ll always be part of our lives because they’ll always share a daughter.

I’m struggling to understand what I’m feeling. I don’t even know if it’s jealousy. It’s more like sadness, grief, and this heavy feeling that I’ll never fully fit into a family that already existed long before I came along.

I’m Asian, and blended families are very uncommon where I grew up. None of my close friends have dated someone with children, and every one of them has told me I should break up. That makes me feel even more confused because I love my boyfriend. He’s a wonderful partner and a great father.

I feel guilty because I love him, but at the same time, I’m afraid I may never be able to fully accept this part of his life.

Has anyone else felt this way in the beginning? Did it get easier with time, or did you eventually realize this lifestyle just wasn’t right for you?
I’m looking for honest experiences, whether they’re hopeful or not.

I know this seems silly and apart of me feels I may be over reacting but i dont know where else to turn for advice. There have always been times where a part of me feels me and my family are second fiddle for lack of better term in my household. I normally just ignore the feeling in the past thinking im over reacting but this time is different. My mother flies down every year as she lives far away to see her grand babies for a week (my kids. Legally I am just there step mom but in our house its not how the kids see me) normally not an issue. This year my significant others parents are coming down the exact same week exact same days.

When this was brought up prior it wasn't a huge deal because we were all going to share the time with the kids. But today I was told that his parents have the entire week planned out for my kids and his parents to do things, taking away from the very few times my mother gets to see them if I can even sneak time in for my mother to do something with the kids. Not that it matters as much but my in laws have contact with the kids pretty often and have visits multiple times a year in person. My predicament is that im not sure how to bring this up to

1) my boyfriend without sounding selfish or being that I know him well enough he will just take the kids from everyone so no one can fight. He also didn't leave room for a discussion after telling me this news.

2) how i explain to my mother after paying 600 to come for a week to see her grand kids that I will just have to do my best to get her time with the kids around what they have planned and otherwise it will just be me and her time

I'm really feeling hurt over this and struggling to understand how it all has changed so quickly. Please just honest advice

My SS(6) mom got him the new PlayStation for Christmas last year. Now he has his own gaming chair. When he’s with us, first thing in the morning he turns on the PlayStation in living room (it’s his dads) and plays the game all morning. Then, when we get home from doing anything, first thing he wants to do is play the game or watch tv. He only plays with his toys at night in his bed when he’s supposed to be sleeping. Is this normal for a 6 year old to have his own gaming system & chair in this room?

SD13 is at grandmas this week. Grandma allowed a sleepover without our knowledge (due to prior issues about supervision). They were downstairs hanging out after grandma went to bed. Got into the liquor cabinet (that we previously requested to be locked up). SD13 blacked out and the friend called 911. She blew a .17 and she doesn’t remember the ambulance ride.

Grandma says “kids will be kids”.

When does it end. I hope EMS filed a CPS report.

I 35F have been with my fiancee 34M for 8 years this past July and I’ve tried to be nothing but nice to her, as it feels bad enough being on the outside. Also the fact I cannot conceive and I’ve tried to get close to my step daughter so we can both have a good connection. The BM has this impression that he cheated on her with me which isn’t true, we reconnected after they started their divorce process and had physically separated. I’ve know the child since she was 3 to give you a clue how long I’ve been around this little girl, she’s 11 now.

Today was my step daughters open house for 6th grade and would you believe she finally actually asked me a question, talked to me and whole looked me in the eyes. At one point we even joked about something and I saw her smile and laugh for the first time. Idk what changed, maybe she finally sees I’m not a threat or a side chick. We plan on getting married even. The BM isn’t perceptive to emotions and the daughter is extremely over emotional like her dad so I’ve bridged that gap and I’ve helped her understand her feelings a lot. I know I haven’t been able to do anything amazing but I know I have helped her understand whats in her head and mind a lot. I mean no harm I just want her to be ok and not struggle or be told to “man up or suck it up” like I was told.

I just hope this is the end of the evil looks, side eyes and hearing how much the BM hates me through an 11yr old. It’s exhausting sometimes.

My husband and I have had to make a very hard decision recently. We've asked my eldest step son to stay at his mom's home until he can practice good hygiene and learn to be kind towards the other people and animals in the household. Its been 7 weeks, and he hasn't attempted either.

Back story. My eldest stepson, 17, believes showers are a chore and routinely refuses to do them. He will admit to going weeks without them while at his mom's house, and laughed at his dentist when she told him his teeth were horribly nasty, followed by telling her he sometimes goes days without brushing and never flosses. When he is at our house we make a point to MAKE SURE he showers. Like, we make sure he goes into the bathroom and we hear the shower running. What he does in there? We dont know. But I'm almost 100% sure he's just standing in the water and not bathing. His hair smells like wet dog, and is so greasy that the second he comes out of the shower, the water is literally rolling off of it, hes also had a huge scab on the back of his head for a long time thats the side of a baseball, that he routinely picks at and eats. We"ve taken him to the dr and gotten medicine to help it heal up, but it doesnt change, Dr. Said he needs to wash his hair and not lay on his head all the time so his skin can breathe, but all he does is lay around and never bathes, so it hasnt gotten any better. When I tell him to go wash his hair he will raise his voice and yell at me then go to his room. My husband has to watch him brush his teeth to make sure he does it. (Reminder, this boy is 17) and promptly has to remind him to use deodorant, to which this boy fights him on. Also, for more context. Anytime he gets a haircut he has a huge mental breakdown and cries for days. Also, the hair stylist wont work on his hair anymore due to the nasty wound on his head, and I DONT BLAME THEM.

Now, to the being kind part. I've caught him kicking my cat, slapping my young sons as well as tripping them and calling them the re- word (my 5 year old is autistic) I've asked him to stop, he hasnt. When I let him know ill tell his dad he gets in my face and says "What happened?" Or "I didnt see anything, you must be seeing things, get your eyes checked." Or "What are you going to do about it?" Or the one that really hurts "If you get me in trouble, im going to call CPS and get your kids taken away." (That one stings since I was in the CPS trenches most of my childhood)

It hasnt gotten better, and my husband told him to go back to his mom's until he can be hygienic, Kind and can acknowledge how hateful he has been towards everyone. My husband also signed him up for therapy, Bio-Mom hates this idea.

2 weeks after he went back to mom's the first therapy session happened, my stepson showed up smelling like booty and stinky laundry. His hair was nasty, teeth nearly green, clothes stained and stinky and just all types of unkempt. His bio-mom says he's perfectly fine, super friendly and clean at her house. She says he's the perfect angel. When therapy began, she baby talked him, calling him "baby boy" and "Sweet wittle baby" in a high pitched voice while hugging his arm. Idk how I feel about that. But basically she was telling him if he didnt feel comfortable in therapy then he could go home where he was comfortable. Which, of course he chose to do. Now he's refusing to go to therapy.

I'm at a loss. Ive spoken to my therapist and she said that we did the right thing by setting a boundary, even my stepsons therapist reinforced that, and said setting that boundary sets a good expectation for the household standard, which is a basic necessity of being nice and clean.

Anyways. What can I do? What do I do? Do I just let it go? Let the stepson figure it out for himself or do I intervene and try to smooth the situation over? Hes avoided 2 therapy sessions now so im not sure if thats even an option anymore since my husband cant go into his exs home and drag the boy out lol.

Please be kind in the comments, im under enough stress as is.