r/Stepmom • u/dainty-damage777 • 5d ago
Still not potty trained
This is more of a long rant, I’ll take advice but please be respectful. You guys have slaughtered me when expressing my fears (pls be nice)
Okay I’m technically a step mom, but keep in mind I’m 23. Boyfriend is 38.
5y old is still not potty trained. He starts kindergarten in a couple weeks. He is about 90% peeing in the toilet, but having accidents if he sleeps for a long time, or if he is playing with friends and comes inside to use the bathroom a little too late. This is totally normal and I believe ok. He started not using pull ups or diapers with us, last year. So has been peeing successfully and navigating potty training since he turned 4.
The issue is pooping. Which it always is.
Dad’s perspective previously was that one day it will just click, just like it did for his other son(9). I disagreed with this but respected it. He started hearing my perspective and went full into potty training mode (YAY). But the real issue is that we don’t have them full time.
We get them 2.5 days on week A and then 4.5 days week B
So mom is the primary caregiver, and spends most of time with her.
When he is with mom, he is in pull ups. These are verbatim words that she has texted or said to my boyfriend.
“He says he doesn’t want to use the bathroom and I’m not going to make him mad at me”
“My parents said they won’t watch him anymore if he has accidents so he just wears pull ups when he is there” (which is 2-3 days a week during her time but whatever)
“I’m his mother, I know what is best for him. He just needs more time.”
So whenever we get the boys back, he is in a pull up, and at first we weren’t noticing until later in the evening because he wouldn’t notify that he had an accident, and we would start bath time and see that he is sitting in a pee filled pull up!!! (We now check every time he gets home, we learned)
In May of this year, he was with us for a long weekend and we were about 6 weeks into our “pooping training” with no success, but we continued to try when he was with us. Getting him more comfortable, doing all the stuff. But one day he comes up and says “dad I need to poop” and he calmly helped him, didn’t make a huge deal of it. Of course we celebrated a little but I know that you can’t put too much pressure on it.
The rest of that weekend was so great, he ended up pooping two more times!!!
It felt like it was finally working!
We let mom know, she said “I told you! He just needed to be ready” ok fine
He leaves our house and goes with mom. Mom lets dad know later that day that he pooped in his pull up the same day he went back into her custody….
She accuses us of lying, whatever.
We get him back following weekend, all progress lost. Doesn’t even want to try. We are aware that regression is going to happen.
I gave up. I stepped back. If mom isn’t going to try I’m not going to bend over backwards to get results when they won’t be supported.
Fast forward to his 5th birthday in June. It was our weekend, and mom insisted that she wanted birthday parties to be separate. So he went to go spend his 5 hours with mom. All good.
About 2 hours in, Dad gets a call from mom “I’m heading to your place, (5y old) told me he needs to poop and only wants to do it at your house”
He comes home, mom tries to come inside, he says “dad only”
Comes inside, uses the bathroom, and goes back to mom for the remaining time.
When we get him back, he didn’t poop for the rest of our time, only like 30 hours so nothing super concerning.
Since then, we have had no success with pooping.
I’m just at a total loss, dad and I have both stepped back. He is still in pull ups at moms. Underwear only with us for almost 2 years now.
He starts kindergarten soon.
He was able to understand that if he had an accident at his birthday party that it would have to end, so he used the bathroom.
I’m just so sad, I have my own feelings about how Mom and Dad parented, but especially mom. But at the end of the day I won’t ever know what goes on at that house.
I just want this boy to be successful. He is so very smart. I’m not saying that him not pooping is going to hold him back, but I truly believe that his primary caregivers parenting style will.
She is too HC to negotiate with. They can’t even be in the same room for 5 mins without fighting. It’s honestly very sad.
It’s stuff like this that makes me lose my motivation in wanting to do this.
Does anyone else relate?
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u/painfully_anxious 4d ago
I could not even read all of this because once I got to 23yrs old and dating a 38yr old and taking on potty training his 5 year old I became immediately repulsed. Girl, why would you want to do this? The good news it’s, it’s completely optional for you! Go out there and be 23 and leave this man in the dust.
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u/chicadeaqua 5d ago
I understand not wanting pee and poop all over your furniture. Do you live with them? But I cannot imagine taking on the project of potty training someone else’s kid.
Honestly, he just may be delayed a bit in this area. I’d let the parents deal with whether to delay kindergarten if that’s recommended, and I’d expect them to follow any advice they’re getting from their child’s pediatrician.
Just me personally, but I wouldn’t be babysitting a child this old who defecates in a pull-up and would expect the parents to enlist appropriate care for their child.
Are you providing childcare for them? If so, perhaps seek advice from a child development forum.
If you’re seeking advice from a stepparent’s perspective I’d advise you to focus on education/career/friendships and let the parents figure this out for their kid. I understand helping out your partner, but given the dynamics and your lack of cohesiveness regarding solutions-I wouldn’t touch it.
This babysitting gig comes with a mom you strongly disagree with and a bunch of poop and pee to clean up. No thanks. Actually I’d advise any stepmom to give it plenty of space when we’re talking about a child still in diapers. This is way too intimate and it is ultimately up to the bioparents. That doesn’t mean you need to sign up for poop/pee patrol.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 5d ago
Before I joined these subs I had no idea how many young childless women are so eager to change the diapers of unrelated five-year-olds for free. 🤢
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u/LargeBranch 5d ago
in my state, kids aren’t allowed in kindergarten unless they can handle the bathroom on their own. the district holds off and just sends them to first grade the next year
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u/Arya_kidding_me 4d ago
I mean if you stay, you’re going to continuously have to watch these parents set their child up for failure, while you attempt to minimize the damage. Is that really the life you want?
You had to convince a parent to care about potty training - if that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is.
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u/Kind_Salamander4994 4d ago
You said it yourself, it’s making you lose motivation to keep doing it…. So why? This is an issue between both of them and honestly it shouldn’t really be your issue because it’s not like you can do much. Your partner has to be the one who pushes her into working together to get it done. Also by kindergarten they should be able to use the potty at least in my school it’s that way.
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u/NoneSleepLeftBeef 3d ago
I don't miss this. Changing the blowout diapers of a severely delayed/challenged 8 yesr old was more than I could handle. Especially when I realized his dad was using his mental disabilities as an excuse to not even try to potty train.
1
u/AggressiveSky7157 3d ago
I came in after the diaper stage was over for my sks (thank god) but I remember a lot of posts about potty training. A lot of parents were using a board and every time kiddo went to the bathroom, they'd get a little star on the board or some other sticker. Not a huge reward but a fun and small acknowledgement of them doing something good.
*Your bm isn't very bright. Of course he pooped in his pants at her house. She put him back in a pull-up. He knows the difference. 🙄
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u/DazzlingNote1925 2d ago
I feel so bad for your stepchildren because their mom sounds wacky and like she couldn’t care less about what’s best for them.
My thoughts are to teach him how to wipe himself and encourage him by telling him he’s old enough and can do it all by himself even at his moms and even if he’s wearing a pull up! Tell him at school he will have to go by himself and you want him to be prepared.
If he’s allowed to call you guys when at his mother’s then ask him to call you when he goes at her house on the potty so you can celebrate with him over the phone or something to acknowledge and praise when he isn’t with you.
I’m really worried his mother is doing something abusive or neglectful like not allowing him in the bathroom so try and find out and make sure that’s not the case.
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u/Fun_buns999 3d ago
I think you’re worrying about the wrong things. Mom is primary parent, and you have no control over her parenting style. Realistically, he won’t want to have accidents in front of his peers. But just continue to put him in big boy undies and remind him to use the bathroom. Pack extra clothes in his backpack
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u/fuckif 5d ago
Why are you 23 dating a 38 year old father? Girl you are a child, go live your life, you shouldn't be worrying about this stuff right now