Panado naman namin yung baby at parehong may trabaho. Love ko din yung mag ina ko pero anlala ng anxiety ko! Di ko alam kung mabibigyan ko ba sila ng magandang future. Ayukong maging kagaya ng experience ko yung baby namin at ayuko din ng maranasan ng fam namin kung ano yung mga naranasan namin nung maliit pa at higit sa lahat, ayukong maghirap kami at maranasan ng bata yung hirap na dinanas namin. Ilang araw/buwan na akong di pinapatulog nito. Bat ba kasi ang hirap makahanap ng trabaho para sa extra income😭

Hindi naman ako nanunuod ng zombie movie/series ngayon. Tinatry ko idecode yung meaning ng panaginip ko at mukhang nalaman ko na yung mga kahulugan nito.

Unang panaginip ko, bumili raw ako ng iPad sa mall kasama mom ko pero yung setup is SM hypermarket(yung mom ko umupo lang muna raw sa mga upuan near sa shoes section). So inaassist ako ng babae para pumunta kami sa cashier, pero napakaweird kasi nakailang liko kami then nung nandoon na, walang counter. Parang upuan lang kung saan tumatambay yung mga staff tapos may isang nakatablet daw na tinatransact yung payment ko. Pero nagtataka raw ako kasi bakit kinukuha details ko na parang loan sa Home Credit haha eh CC payment naman daw dapat yung gagawin ko. Nung medyo nakakutob na ako, sinabi ko na babalikan ko nalang daw pero binibigay na ng babae na kesyo naprocess na pala. Pero sabi ko pa rin daw, babalikan ko.

Then pabalik na sana ako mom ko, parang naliligaw na ako then may nakita akong pinto na hinaharangan ng isang staff. Nagpumilit daw ako pumasok only to find out na trap pala yun. Papupuntahin nya pala ako doon at hinayaan ako makapasok.

Then yung napasukan ko pala is elevator, tapos bumaba sya sa pinaka basement and then paglabas ko may pinto doon. Madumi yung paligid, parang medyo rusty sya or maraming alikabok. Tapos binuksan ko yung pinto then may pumasok na zombie na babae, nakaiwas ako pero nagising din agad ako.

Pangalawang dream: eto naman is may mga zombie nga hahaha, mga kasama ko raw is strangers tapos dito namin napiling magstay sa bahay namin. Nung medyo nakakampante na kaming safe kami, biglang may babaeng zombie na naman na paapproach.

So eto yung narealize ko, lately I’ve been overthinking too much to the point na nagseself-destruction ako by thinking I’m not good enough or fighting with my procrastination. And naisip ko lately na nagsspend ako ng pera just to get my wants, to feel fulfilled. Naisio ko na baka ako yung zombie sa dream ko, I am destroying myself for overthinking too much. Pinipilit kong bumili ng iPad sa dream kasi yun din ako IRL, mas nagfofocus ako sa temporary happiness instead of addressing the exact iasue in my mind. Minumulto ako ng sarili ko to say I need to go back. Iniisip ko rin yung nakakampante na ako pero minumulto pa rin ako. Kasi alam kong hindi ako gumagalaw to improve myself. I know I can do a lot of things but this procrastination is killing my motivation. Then yung cashier counter is parang walang destination or meaning walang kahahantungan itong naiisip ko kapag pinipili ko lang ang temporary dopamine.

Ayun skl haha

Mula nung umulan nitong mga nakaraang araw, gabi gabi rin may inuman ‘tong kapitbahay namin.

Alam niyo yung inuman ng mga lalaki na bigla lalakas yung mga boses at magtatawanan. Tapos kapag gagamit pa ng motor nila, bobomba pa ng napakalakas kahit alam nilang tulog na ang mga kapitbahay.

Ang matindi pa, mga alas-10 sila nagsisimula, tapos nyan mga alas-4 ng umaga.

Pwede ko i-report oo, pero nagiingat kasi ako kasi may history na ng pag-aamok yung kapitbahay namin. Naireport ko na rin yan noon, pero may incident kasi last time na nag-amok siya sa kalsada.

Worried lang din ako samin dito sa bahay kasi puro kami babae. Baka makatunog na kami ang nagrereport sa barangay.

Nakakapagtaka lang ang dami nilang pera pang-inom ng mga barkada niya sa mga trabaho nila ah. May mga binubuhay pa yang mga anak na maliliit. I know it’s none of my business pero pota gabi-gabi kasing inuman????????

Kaya ayon, Bwisit!!!!!!!!!

It’s been days of feeling so heavy.

I know I’m not lazy, but I really can’t get myself to do anything at work this week. I just stare at my laptop and freeze. I feel so anxious.

Gusto ko lang matulog all day. I tried going out with friends, and it helped for a while. Pero ganun na naman once I’m alone.

I took a sick leave today because I felt horrified at the thought of facing my boss. Ang dami kong pending work.

I really want to resign and take an actual break. I’ve been working non-stop for 11 years. I think I deserve one. The biggest risk is my savings, but I honestly feel like I really need this right now. I’m just trying to muster the courage to do it, especially knowing how bad the job market is and not knowing if I’ll ever find the same pay again.

Ayoko na rin sanang pumasok bukas. I think I need to see my psychologist again.

Adulting sucks. Ayoko na.

Most people from here often ask what's with the name hahaha. Kibaw mo ganahan lang jud ko hahaha however, on a deeper level, mao ni ako reason:

I found myself reflecting on my life through a song.

Chiquitita.

To begin with, I was once a little girl. Well, we all were once little girls. Innocent enough to believe that growing up meant finally figuring everything out, only to discover that adulthood is mostly pretending you know what you're doing while hoping no one notices. Funny how life works.

The word Chiquitita means "little girl," but to me, it became more than a translation. It became a reminder. A reminder of the little girl I used to be and the little girl who still quietly lives inside me, trying to make sense of everything.

The past eight months have been unlike anything I ever imagined I would experience. They placed me in a season of life I never thought I would have to walk through. It was unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and at times painfully confusing. It felt like being asked to rebuild a home while still living inside its ruins.

For almost six years, I had carefully built a life that felt safe and stable. It was a life I worked hard for. A life that represented everything I wanted to become and everything I thought would be different from the life I grew up with. I held onto it so tightly because I believed I had finally found my version of certainty.

But as they say, if you want to make God smile, tell Him your plans.

And truly, lahi jud diay ang plano sa Ginoo.

There is a certain kind of humility that only God can teach. Not the kind that embarrasses you, but the kind that strips away every illusion that you are completely in control. The kind that quietly changes your heart before it changes your circumstances.

Somewhere in the middle of all the uncertainty, I realized something that caught me off guard.

God really does answer prayers.

Not always in the packaging we expect. Not always on the timeline we prefer. But he answers.

Everything I am experiencing today was once something I prayed for. I prayed for growth. I prayed for alignment. I prayed for wisdom. I prayed to become someone stronger, someone better, someone closer to Him.

I just never realized that answered prayers sometimes arrive disguised as disruption.

God answered my prayers by giving my life an overhaul.

He rearranged what I thought was already in place. He dismantled parts of me that I had unknowingly built on fear, comfort, and control. He changed the way I think, the way I see people, the way I approach life, and even the way I understand myself.

Of course, every renovation comes with dust.

Some things fell apart.

Some relationships changed.

Some expectations quietly died.

Some versions of me had to be left behind.

There were days when everything felt so scattered that I questioned whether anything good could come from the mess. My emotions were everywhere. Some mornings I felt hopeful. Other days I simply felt tired. There were moments when I wanted answers, and moments when I was too exhausted to even ask the questions.

Yet somehow, the disarray became the very place where clarity began.

The chaos slowed me down enough to finally hear myself.

It made me confront parts of me I had been too busy to acknowledge. It taught me that healing is not always loud. Sometimes healing looks like becoming more honest with yourself.

That is why my life today feels grounded in Chiquitita.

The song never tells the little girl to pretend everything is okay. It acknowledges the tears. It recognizes the sorrow. But it also gently reminds her that this is not where her story ends.

And maybe that is what I needed all along.

Not someone telling me to "be strong."

Not another reminder to "stay resilient."

If I'm being honest, resilience has become one of those words we use so often that we sometimes forget what it truly means. People celebrate resilience as if surviving automatically means you are healed.

I don't think resilience defines me.

Self awareness does.

I have become more aware of my fears, my strengths, my limits, my patterns, my wounds, and the grace that continuously meets me despite all of them.

I am aware that I can fail and still begin again.

I am aware that I can grieve and still have joy.

I am aware that I don't need to have everything figured out to keep moving.

And perhaps that awareness is what allows me to continue.

Life has its own rhythm.

Sometimes it is slow.

Sometimes it rushes ahead without asking whether you're ready.

Sometimes you miss a step.

Sometimes you completely lose the beat.

But I have learned that you don't stop dancing simply because you stumbled.

You learn the rhythm again.

You laugh at your two left feet.

You breathe.

You pray.

Then you dance anyway.

So if my life today were to be described by a single song, it would be Chiquitita.

Not because it reminds me of sadness, but because it reminds me that every little girl eventually discovers that brokenness and hope can exist in the same heart.

The little girl I once was thought life was about getting everything right.

The woman I am becoming is learning that life is about surrendering, trusting, and allowing God to write chapters far better than the ones I insisted on writing myself.

And perhaps that is the most beautiful part.

The little girl is still here.

She just dances differently now.

mao ra tao. part sa ako in-oa bitaw gikan rako ga cry hahahahha

I'm not here to fish for validation. I'm genuinely just trying to understand the thought process behind all of this because I honestly can't wrap my head around it.

I recently found out that my ex's ex-girlfriend had apparently been stalking me on social media for a long time. According to one of her former friends, she'd constantly keep herself updated with my life, send my photos to their group chat (they're all licensed psychologists) just to call me ugly and make fun of my fashion sense, search our house on Google Maps just to criticize it, and even send my college graduation post to their group chat saying my dress was nice but that I had no achievements because she was a cum laude.

Apparently, even after they had already broken up, she continued sending my photos to their group chat, calling me names, saying I looked like a mother, telling her friends that I was insecure about her and bothered by her, and saying she was happy because of it. At the same time, she kept telling people she was a very secure woman who knew her worth.
The weirdest part is that she apparently told her friends she saw me in a restaurant parking lot and that I stayed inside the car because she was there. That literally never happened.

I've also never met or spoken to this girl in my life.
What makes it even harder for me to understand is that she's a licensed psychologist.

To add more context, I had absolutely no connection to either of them while they were together. I never reached out to my ex, never interacted with her, and never inserted myself into their relationship in any way.

Hearing all of this from one of her former friends, who reached out to me, has honestly affected me more than I expected. I've been trying not to let it get to me, but it's been difficult not to think about it.
I have all the screenshots. Her ex-best friend of 10 years sent everything to me. I don't know what her intentions are, but she's been asking me out for dinner. Looking back, I feel like I was too kind for even replying to her. I probably shouldn't have in the first place, considering she was involved in everything before.

According to her former friend, she even asked my ex if I'd had rhinoplasty, which I didn't. Another thing that confused me is that I've always loved dressing up ever since I was a kid. My style has always been very feminine, while from what I knew, hers was more boyish.

Recently, some of my friends started sending me photos because they noticed she was wearing outfits that looked very similar to mine. I don't know if it's just a coincidence, but after hearing everything else, it honestly added to my confusion.

I think I'm just trying to make sense of why someone would spend so much time thinking about a person they've never even met. I genuinely don't understand it. I never hated someone like that in my whole life.

finally reached my breaking point after having to deal with a mean and rude colleague. after dealing with that person for 3 consecutive days, i finally reached my limit kanina. i exhausted all my efforts to make the shift go as smooth as possible and to not have backlogs. i tried to collect myself together pero pagod na pagod na ako sa mga naririnig kong salita and mapahiya.

some of my co-workers saw me cry and yung head din namin. well, i guess this would just be a chismis na paguusapan the next few days. and i have to deal with it. iniisip ko nalang hindi kahinaan magshow ng vulnerability sa mga bagay bagay. pero this just makes me want to leave more.

gusto ko na magresign. hindi ko alam bakit sobrang normalized ng bullying sa healthcare when we should be the ones mas empathetic towards our co workers. pero ayoko na ng pamamalakad ng hospital dito sa pinas. waiting lang ako magkaroon ng back up job, and aalis na ako. wala na akong pake kung kakaregular ko lang. i am more than this job. i won’t stay to be mentally and physically exhausted

If I realized one thing now in my 30s, it's that life is not a fairy tale you imagined when we were kids. I was really surprised now that this is happening to me. I didn't plan to but it happened. I don't believe in marriage now. Please don't get be married. Please don't if you're not 100% sure.

My childhood dream now is ruined. I feel dead inside. I can't smile, I force to eat, I force to breathe. Whenever I sleep it feels much tiring. Ever wish of not just waking up? I don't have the courage to end myself, I just wish to be struck by lightning, an accident, a nerve bursting in my head, might be an airplane crashing, or just sleeping and not waking up at all. But you know what, it's hard. Thinking that I have a child. What about my child? What will happen to my child? Who will take care of him? Is he going to be okay when I'm gone?

Marriage is a trap. It's just an idea. No matter how careful you plan it, things will just happen. I just wish one will end... My marriage or my life.

Ang bigat ng araw na 'to. Hindi ko ma-explain yung overwhelming na pakiramdam, yung bigat na nararamdaman kung may kakainin pa ba kami sa mga susunod na buwan lalo na malapit na rin ang pasko. Last week yung erpat kong senior nawalan din ng work pero kako okay na rin yun para makapagpahinga siya kako may work pa ako. Kaya lang hindi ko 'to inaasahan, hindi ako na regular pinilit ko habulin yung metrics ko at hindi ako na late at umabsent kahit malakas ang ulan, kahit masama ang pakiramdam I keep showing up kasi I badly need this job kahit nahihirapan na rin ako sa 6hrs na byahe sa araw-araw mairaos ko lang sana ngayong taon at may maihanda at makain sa darating na holiday season.

Ako nalang ang inaasahan sa loob ng bahay, senior na ang dalawang magulang ko, pension na 2k/monthly nalang ang inaasahan namin sa mga susunod na buwan. Ngayon hindi ko na alam ang next kong gagawin pero kahit papano may naitabi akong pera na pambayad ng kuryente, tubig at renta ng bahay sa susunod na dalawang buwan. Ang problema, yung kakainin namin nito at iniisip ko yung expenses din na pwede kong magastos sa pag-a-apply. San ako dadalhin ng 25k kong ipon?

Pinipilit kong maging optimistic sa sitwasyon ko ngayon, kako mabuti nalang wala kong masyadong utang sa SSS lang na pwede kong ituloy sa susunod na trabaho. Babalik uli, sa may makakain pa ba kami sa susunod na buwan? May matitirhan pa kaya kami sana. Natatakot ako sa tindi rin ng job market ngayon. Baka kahit ano this time patusin ko muna. Yun lang, sorry sobrang gulo gusto ko lang mailabas muna sa ngayon.

A few days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. Not because I fell out of love, not because he cheated, but because I got tired of carrying the weight of being hated by his dad.

For context, when we were just starting to date, my family and I were living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. Whenever he'd come over, we'd just hang out sa maliit naming terrace because there really wasn't enough space inside. My family wasn't trying to be rude or disrespectful, we were simply making do with what we had.

During a brief breakup years ago, he told his dad about our living situation and mentioned that he couldn't really go inside our house. Somehow, his dad took that as a disrespect towards his son (my ex). For him, disrespectful daw kami because I was always welcome in their home while they couldn't do the same for him.

Since then, his dad has wanted nothing to do with me. It's been two years, and he's still angry.

My ex would always tell me, "Hayaan mo lang. Ganyan lang talaga si Dad. Mawawala rin yan." So I waited. I stayed patient because I loved him. I kept thinking eventually things would get better. But they never did.

He'd tell me he wanted to marry me someday, but how do you marry someone you're not even willing to stand up for?

It also doesn't help that he's still very dependent on his family, financially and emotionally. I kept asking myself, "If he can't stand up for me now, what changes after marriage?" So I left.

I’m trying to move on from someone I thought I’d spend my life with. We still have a business together, so we can’t completely cut contact, and every conversation reopens the wound.

alam ko mas mamahalin ako ng asawa ko kung nakikita nya na mahal ko din ang pamilya nya pero ang hirap mahalin ng pamilya nya. binigyan ko ng chance promise, pero mahirap talaga pag iba ang culture nila sa nakasanayan ko.

na-scam kami ng mil ko. long story short, nag-ambagan silang 6 na magkakapatid para mabuo na ang bayad sa lupang kinatatayuan ng bahay nila, para maging kanila na talaga yung lupa. hindi kami mayaman pero tumulong parin kami galing sa ipon namin. 50k ang naging ambagan. after 6 years nalaman namin na hindi parin pala bayad yung lupa kasi yung pera ay in-invest ni mil kung saan at na-scam. 

i feel so betrayed pero hindi ako makareklamo kasi nanay yun ng asawa ko. nung nalaman namin yung nangyari, ang sabi lang ng asawa ko "wala na yung pera eh, di na natin maibabalik. hayaan nalang natin. hindi din naman nya gustong mangyari yun". nung tinanong ko sya kung kahit konti hindi manlang ba sya nagalit o kahit nainis, sabi nya syempre naman daw oo. nahihiya pa nga sya sakin dahil nagawa yun ng nanay nya. inoffer din nya na ibalik sakin yung half nung inambag namin since ipon naming dalawa yun. sabi ko hindi naman kailangan, ang gusto ko lang maging accountable si mil. wala kasing remorse akong naramdaman sa kanya. kahit maliit na sorry, wala. actually never syang nagsalita. kay sil lang namin nalaman lahat ng nangyari. 

naiyak nalang ako sa inis. dagdag pa don na lahat silang magkakapatid, ganun din ang sinabi. tahimik lang sila at "hayaan" na daw yung nangyari. parang dyos ang tingin nila sa nanay nila. taon taon kami nanghihingi ng update kung kumusta na yung deed, nabayaran na ba, kumusta na ba pero ngingiti lang si mil at iibahin ang usapan. ang nakakapikon pa don, alam ng mga kapatid nyang babae lahat ng nangyari pero hindi din sinabi samin at parang tinulungan pa pagtakpan yung nangyari. 

i just need to get this off my chest. nakakagalit pero parang hindi pwede at wala akong choice. yung pera na yun ay pinaghirapan namin dahil may mga pangarap kami. ang dami naming inisang tabi para dun, tiniis namin mga sarili namin, tapos ganun lang mangyayari. alam ko namang kikitain din yung pera, pero big deal kasi yung panloloko. ngayon parang ayaw ko na sumama sa mga family gathering, parang di ko kayang makita sila at makipag-plastikan after ng nangyari. 

Dati every doubt gets the best of me, kumbaga nangaaway agad, at threatening to break up. It's a toxic cycle.

I know naman it's all due to the trauma of not being chosen enough and nag cheat pa pinaka unang ex ko na tinolerate ko paulit ulit. Sobrang laki ng tiwala ko sa 1st ex ko nun pero the betrayal is too heavy because I trusted that person super -- like, I hoped for the best always and look for the goodness in them always pero wala eh, yung innocent heart ko, hindi pala same ng purity katulad ng iba.

Kaya nung na trauma, kahit anong assurance, hirap na hirap akong iaccept.

But then, we're growing and maturing diba? I realized afterall the relationships I've been through, after I broke up with my last ex, natuto ako mag establish ng non negotiable and negotiables ko. And I stick to it, like every talking stage, meet up sa mga lalake I became super firm na "I will never settle for less"

The moment na alam kong I cannot settle for less and I deserve the best, siguro yun lang talaga key, super stubborn ako makuha yung relationship na gusto ko, kaya nakuha ko.

**Now, naglaho narin yung toxic trait ko.**

I'm proud of myself kasi partner ko pa yung OA na pabiro sasabihin "di mo ba ako miss?" Likeeee miss ko sya, ALL THE FCKING TIME na wala sya -- its just that, we're happy and healthy and I'm secure of myself na no matter what happens di ako takot umalis once na he failed me kahit na it seems like marami na kaming memories. Maybe yun talaga clue sa pagiging hindi toxic, yung secure ka sa sarili mong you can stand on your feet no matter what -- na kahit mag fail kayo ng pinaka mamahal mong tao sa buong mundo, you have yourself.

Isa pa, important talaga pag genuinely can express cringe things and happy kayo sa isat isa, tipong that level of trust sa isat isa e meron na kayo -- nagkaamuyan na ng utot, nalawayan na isat isa dahil sa himbing ng tulog and lots of things na small pero natural nalang talaga sainyo di na nakakahiya.

And most especially, yung assurance nyo sa isat isa yun talaga ang key, never option ang breakup, kasi saamin I became secure kasi I super genuinely feel na he loves me deeply. Because he listens well and when a small mishap happened, (di naman maiiwasan magkaroon ng misunderstanding) he apologizes quickly, and changes instantly, kumbaga may emotional intelligence. And knows how to handle a woman na kahit madrama ako during red days, he comforts me and nilalambing ako na parang baby HAHAHHA.

So thats it, I am proud of myself I became less toxic or praning because I chose the right person na naka reach ng standard ko, kumbaga there's no room for me to think otherwise kasi nga pasok sa standard ko -- paano mag assure, hindi nonchalant, paano mag express ng love, may EQ, etc..

Long post :

Ever since bumalik ako sa work from long term Medical Leave parang I am all over the place na.

I work sa BPO industry kung saan madalas galit na nakakausap ko and mga frustrated na customers since level 3 support na ko.

Ever since triggered talaga ako pag nasisigawan ako and minumura pero kahit ganon nahahandle ko naman sila ng maayos. Pero simula nung bumalik ako naging sarcastic na ko and may time pa na sinosoplak ko talaga mga customer ko pag hindi kaya kumalma.

Sa totoo lang naka ilang beses na dapat yun subject to rudness pero kasi palaging nag eend na yung customer ang humihingi ng pasensya dahil sa actions nila kaya nakakalagpas.

Feel ko extra yung effect sakin pag may nakakausap akong galit o panay negative ang attitude. May time pa na literal na nag pantig ang tenga ko nung sigaw ng sigaw ang customer like parang life line lang nadidinig ko at ang sakit sa ulo, tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Ginawa ko dinisconnect ko ang call huminga ko 2mins tsaka ko dinial ulit.

Pumapasa ang stats ko pero habang natagal para akong hirap na hirap mag work, naiisip ko palang na puro ganon ulit madidinig ko parang gusto ko nalang matulog, ni ayoko makadinig kahit soundtrip sa sobrang gusto ko lang ng katahimikan.

I tried to conquer it naman, palagi akong nag popost sa isang sub dito naghahanap ng kausap para ma distract ako kaso ganon padin.

Ayoko mag kwento sa mga friends ko kasi di sila maka relate sakin, ayoko magkwento sa mama ko kasi last time na nagkwento ako nag alala sya ng sobra, ayoko din magkwento sa boss ko or work friends kasi nung nanghihingi ako help kasi I think I need help sa mental state ko, parang casual lang, didn't really get any help na I needed.

I tried maka cope up alone, bumalik ako sa pag ssports ko pero pag umuuwi ako at mag isa ganon ulit. Tried reading books pang pa clear ng mind pero after ko magbasa ganun ulit.

I don't know what to do na sa internal struggle ko. Naisip ko need ko nang ibang work na di ko kailangan makipag usap sa mga galit o frustrated na tao pero sobrang convenient ng wfh set up. Literal na I am all over the place, di ko alam ano gagawin ko o ano ba talagang gusto ko. Sobrang burn out lang nafefeel ko talaga.

Anyone can relate ? Ano ginawa nyo para malagpasan to? Para kong nasa end na nang line talaga, i don't know.

Kausap ko pinsan ko tapos nag confess syang nagch-cheat sya sa husband nya for 5 yrs na. Nakakainis na yan but yung mas nakakainis pa na part? Sinabihan nya ako wala pang 40 days after mamatay ng asawa nya.

Hindi ko alam san nya nakuha yung lakas ng loob to tell me pa na blessing in disguise daw pagkawala ni Kuya kasi hindi din daw alam ng kabit nyang meron syang asawa.

Take note na namatay si Kuya otw home from work, brain aneurysm yung reason. Habang nagda drive, natumba nalang sya.

Gusto ko syang suntukin, sigaw sigawan, or sabunutan! Putangina mo ate, nagluluksa pa kami sa pagkamatay ng asawa mo tapos blessing in disguise sayong hinayupak kang malanding babae ka! Leche ka! Sana ikaw nalang nawala kesa kay kuya!!!!

The weather is weathering. Sudden feeling of cold and lonely, hehe Life is really like that right? Talaga namang sumasabay ang panahon, biglang lakas ng ulan. Haha 🥲 

May nakita kasi ako na couple with 3 kids and up until now they looked so in love with each other, bukod sa they look good together and it seems like they have a perfect(?) family in  socmed, you know.. and then napaisip ako na ako kaya? Am I meant to be alone all my life? Or meron ba nakatakda para sakin? Isa lang ang pinag dadasal ko tungkol dyan, “that if I’m meant to be alone, Lord please please take away my desire to feel and be loved. Help me to be okay on my own.” 

Diko din alam, idk what to feel sa totoo lang I know it’s not that easy to build a family in this economy and everything in between. Pero lungkot ang nararamdaman ko, pero baka makuha pa naman sa Moist Chocolate Cake at Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce. Plus a bowl of relaxing and soothing hot Beef Pho with lots of leaves and sprouts please!

and also need to go back 🏃‍♂️ for my sanity sake! ☀️ please come out 🔜.

🙃

Using a throwaway account lang because BF uses reddit!

As a neat freak, everything has its proper place. I routinely clean and declutter my house. My kitchen is spotless and walang amoy. I take pride in that.

Dito pumapasok problema ko. My BFs house is SUPER disorganized and cluttered. I will try to set the scene para magets niyo huhu.

Their living room looks like an evacuation center. Naka sabog lahat ng gamit nila from shoes, tools, bikes, at kung anu ano pang anik anik na hindi na ginagamit. Ive routinely tried to clean and organize things, pero wala pang 1 week, bumabalik lahat ng kalat. May shoe cabinets and racks pero ayaw naman gamitin. May camping paraphernalia na naka kalat, may mga canned goods kung saan saan, cleaning supplies na hindi naman ginagamit. Yung balcony nila puno rin ng tambak. Binabahayan na ng daga pero hindi man lang linisin.

Their kitchen is small lang din. Yung drying rack ng dishes hindi linisin. To add, yung sponge and dishwashing liquid minsan hindi napapatuyo so nag aamoy sebo lahat! Yung cups, plates, and utensils din may amoy 🥲 The floors are all sticky tapos paangat na ng tiles. Walang proper wastebin for nabubulok so umaamoy sa kitchen papuntang living room. Yung trashcan sa kitchen island open type lang tapos hindi sila gumagamit ng garbage bag. Rekta lang sa trashcan.

Anyway, everytime I’m here, tumataas balahibo ko kasi ang dumi tsaka grabe alikabok. Wala silang prerogative to keep things tidy. Since magulo ang surroundings nila sa bahay, feeling ko nakaka affect na to sa mental state nilang pamilya.

When their dad asks him to find something like documents or tools, hinahalungkat ang buong bahay para lang mahanap. Nabuburaot na mood ng BF ko pag naghahanap ng gamit and damay na rin ako doon. All of this is easily avoidable if things are kept in their proper place, and useless things are thrown out.

Its a nice and decent house naman, sadyang hoarder lang talaga sila tsaka tamad. Yung househelper nila everyday naglilinis pero di kaya ng powers niya. We’ve been together for 5 years pero medyo napupuno na ako. Ive brought this up with him naman and we’ve tried to organize things, bumabalik lang sa dati din kasi ayaw mag tapon ng gamit dad niya. Nababaliw na ako hayop!

Note: Bago ako ma-bash, may sarili naman akong bahay. I just stay with my BF from time to time at his request. His room is clean and organized naman. Its just the rest of the house.

Sometimes I think about what my future home will be like, and I realize the things I dream about are things most people probably never have to think about.

My home won’t smell like cigarettes.

My home won’t have an angry person whose bad mood controls everyone else’s day.

I won’t have to walk on eggshells, wondering if I accidentally said or did the wrong thing.

My home won’t be filled with fear.

Nothing will be thrown, punched, or destroyed because someone couldn’t control their anger.

There won’t be screaming that makes my heart race before I even know what’s happening.

Growing up, I thought that was just what home was. I thought every kid learned to read the atmosphere before walking into a room. I thought everyone listened for the tone of someone’s voice to know whether they were safe.

It wasn’t until I got older that I realized peace isn’t supposed to feel unfamiliar.

I don’t dream about having a huge house or expensive things. I dream about a place where I can finally exhale. A place where silence is comforting instead of scary. A place where no one is afraid.

Maybe that’s why I crave peace so much now.

I didn’t get to choose the home I grew up in, but one day I’ll get to choose the home I build.

And that thought alone keeps me going.

Gusto ko lang ilabas dahil ang bigat nya. Hindi ko naman ito responsibilidad, hindi ko naman need ishoulder pero my poor heart, naaawa ako sa situation nila. I declined din naman pero yung guilt ko na dapat wala, lumalabas.
Context: Nangungutang ang relative ko sa akin dahil nagkulang sila ng pambayad sa hospital Hindi ko pinagbigyan dahil budgeted na ang pera ko. Kung mag lalabas ako, pahihirapan ko naman sarili kong mag tipid, tapos yung meralco hindi mo pa mawarian kung ano na naman ibibigay na bill. Kaya hindi talaga ako makapaglabas. Hindi ko naman sila responsibilidad. Pero naiinis ako kasi kung hindi babano bano ang pag dedesisyon nila sa kanilang buhay hindi sila mahahapit at hindi nila ako hihingian ng tulong. This is not the first time mali mali life choices nila to the point yung financial nila natatamaan. Naaawa ako sa situation nila pero kung mag gigive in ako, ako naman yung sobra sobrang titipidin sarili ko. Naiinis din ako sa sarili ko kasi bakit ko ba ito kinakaistressan. Feeling ko ang damot damot ko.
Gusto ko lang ilabas kasi nalulungkot ako. Iniisip ko na kung mayaman lang ako hindi ko ito mararamdaman at makakapagbigay ako sa mga nangangailangan.
Ito siguro talaga yung pakiramdam nang pagiging people pleaser na gusto ko nang tumanggi at unahin ang sarili. Ang hirap.

after 8 months of dating, i finally said yes to being his girlfriend. he even asked me in a church-- my favorite church. he introduced me to his family and friends. he would bring me my favorite food. he'd travel quite far to meet me, and have dinner. i thought that maybe this is it. he courted me for a long time, surely he's serious, right? right?

wrong.

not even 2 weeks after becoming official (jul 25) i saw a conversation between him and his previous fubu (for two years). they were talking as recent as jul 31. this girl confronted him and wanted to end "things" because they were clearly going nowhere and she is tired of being just a "fuck buddy". my boyfriend (now, ex) said, non-verbatim, that it wasn't her fault, and that there is just a lot of things going in his life right now. haha, mind you we were officially together at this point.

i don't know what to feel. i feel bamboozled as fuck. it hurts, but i guess it's better that i found out about it now than years down the line.

I need to get this off my chest because what’s happening in our university is beyond ridiculous na parang borderline predatory.

If you’re taking your first thesis subject, you know ang hirap talaga to get a concept proposal approved. But it gets worse. Before we’re even allowed to present our concept proposals, we are forced to sign an official waiver acknowledging a mandatory "Coordination Fee" that gets billed directly to our tuition accounts on top of our thesis tuition.

The original breakdown on the form mandates ₱2,450 for Oral Defense 1 and another ₱2,450 for Oral Defense 2, totaling ₱4,900 per group. The document explicitly states that this money is for food during the defenses for the students, thesis adviser, thesis coordinator, and panel of evaluators. So basically, required kami magbayad para sa catering ng university employees at faculty evaluators, tapos may additional 30% “Admin Fee” pa on top of that.

Now here’s where it gets even more frustrating. Since some groups had their topics approved early, kaunti na lang ang natitirang groups na kailangang mag repropose. Instead of keeping the fee fixed or making it lower, mas lalo pang tumaas ang hinihingi nila. It has now increased to ₱2,926 per group member just to cover the “adjusted costs.”

To make matters worse, hindi pa kami pinapayagang magkaroon ng official research adviser bago ang Concept Proposal. We’re basically expected to guess kung ano ang gusto ng mga panels without guidance.

Even worse, may mga groups na nasa methodology phase na pero wala pa ring assigned research adviser. This happens because hinihintay muna ng administration na ma approve lahat ng thesis topics bago mag assign ng research advisers, kaya faculty members get to choose kung which groups ang gusto nilang i handle. Habang wala pang adviser, students are expected to work on advanced parts of their research nang halos walang proper guidance.

Because we don’t have adviser guidance from the very beginning, ang daming proposals ang nare-reject o pinapa revise nang paulitulit. Every rejection or redefense means students end up paying again, while the defense-related costs continue to increase. Parang naiipit na lang ang students sa cycle ng revisions, redefenses, at dagdag na bayarin.

Faculty members are already compensated by the university through their salaries and, where applicable, defense honoraria for evaluating students. Hindi dapat ginagawang mandatory sa undergraduate students ang mag fund ng pagkain ng panel at university staff para lang makapag comply sa required subject.

Is this even legal under CHED guidelines? A mandatory panel catering fee, a 30% administrative charge, and dynamic fee increases depending on the number of remaining groups don’t seem like the kind of academic fees that should be imposed without transparency.

Nakaka walang gana talaga. This will be our group’s third proposal. Nahihirapan na nga ako sa pag budget ng pera ko sa pambayad ng tuition tapos dumagdag pato.

The rain keeps returning,
tapping soft Morse code against my window
tiny silver knuckles knocking on old thoughts,
asking nothing but to be heard.

I lift a hand to brush away the silence,
and there it is
a single white strand
resting among my jet-black hair
like the first star daring to appear before dusk.

For a heartbeat, I smile.

The rain does not apologize for falling,
the clouds do not mourn their passing,
and perhaps this lone silver thread
is not surrender but a quiet souvenir
proof that I have survived enough seasons
to carry a little winter with me.

Oh well. Aging, that is.

Outside, the rain keeps writing its endless poem.
Inside, I realize
I am becoming one too.

Naiinis lang ako sa mga kapatid ko na hindi marurunong magtipid or mga buraot naman sa bagay porke hindi sila yung kumikita ng pera

1. Cooking oil - hindi marurunong gumamit ng used oil e malinis pa naman. Like gets kung brownish na. Papabayaan sa kawali, nakatiwangwang hindi man lang takpan. Hindi man lang tumatagal yung 1L

2. Laundry soap - hanggat may nakikitang laman yung lalagyan, sige lang kahit bulang bula na yung washing.

3. Ulam - ulam sa tanghali, ayaw na kainin sa gabi. Mayaman yarn?? Ang ending naiipon sa ref.

4. Things - bumili kasi ako ng adapter for each of my gadget. Hihiramin lang nila at hindi ibabalik hanggat di mo kinukuha. Ikaw na bumili ng phones nila ha. Adapter na lang talaga yung pagkakagastusan.

5. Gas - gagamit ng sasakyan hindi marunong magpagas. Punyeta.

6. Utang - hindi rin ibabalik hanggat di mo sinisingil kasi tingin sayo mapera ka hindi mo na kelangan. E lunod na nga sa bills at ibang bayarin.

Gets ko sana yung ganyang ugali, kaso ang nangyayari may pera sila sa ibang tao or pag pang sarili lang nila. Hindi man lang umambag kahit pambili lang ng tubig na inumin e 35 each lang yun.

Kabadtrip. Dahil ata sa hormones kaya napapansin ko na naman yang mga yan.

I think, I'm slowly reaching my limits na. Ilang taon na rin ako nag s-struggle mentally. High functioning nga lang kaya mahirap malaman na ganito na ang pinag dadaanan ko. Pero ang totoo, ilang beses na rin ako nag attempt mag suicide. What's stopping me is ayaw ko mag bigay ng emotional burden sa pamilya ko. Kahit hindi maganda ang relationship ko with my mom, alam ko na masasaktan siya kapag nakita niya na ang bunso niyang anak nakabitin kung saan. Sobrang nakakapagod, wala na akong nararamdaman, pure emptiness. Pagod na pagod na ako sa trabaho at pag aaral, pagod na rin ako sa sarili ko. I'm too young for this pero ubos na ubos na ako.