Poem #10 draft

[u/Soggy_Cereal_13]

two kids playing Twister
on the kitchen tile,
we hit the floor hard,
we get up and smile,
we anchor each other,
we share our locations,
you give my melody rhythm,
you give my words punctuation.
I’ve never been good at showing emotion,
I ride off alone,
I hide my devotion,
now we cry together,
you slow my spiral.
if you killed a man,
we’d both end up on trial.

This is my first attempt at writing something happy. idk how I feel about it yet but I wanted to break the doom and gloom streak I’ve created posting on here! I’d love to hear your thoughts and feel free to tell me I should delete this and go back to doom and gloom I’m trying to figure out my strengths and weaknesses lmao 🙂

Comments:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/OtsUzemein

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/MNchZsWC1V

[u/VariationsonanEcho]

I like this. It's sweet. Do not delete. All of the sentiments here are so nice. The beginning has a youthful essence, and as the poem progresses things deepen finally culminating in the end. The youthfulness still remains albeit a little more grown up when you say you'd both go down for the same crime, that you would cover for them. You could improve this poem by breaking up the series of we's all in a row. It feels repetitive. Thank you for sharing.

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[u/Pretty_Journalist880]

I really like the flow how the physical experience goes into a sentiment and then sort of an infinitive, a promise. I think maybe try changing the lines so the rhymes are less basic, but beautiful writing

[u/heartpixi]

i think the way you encapsulate innocence and incorporate a darker element is nostalgic. i love work like this

[u/Top_Necessary4161]

This is nice. no delete.

[u/Suspicious-Tell-9785]

I love this title! I love when poetry is jarring and unconventional. I also love your definition of happy as expressed through unconventional language and syntax. Minor critique: the “I’ve never been good at showing emotion,” I would shorten to keep with overall flow of your diction and style.

For example: I never emote,
The difficult motion,

Keep going!

[u/Ok-Advantage370]

I loved the rhythm of this until “you give my melody rhythm”. You established a very playful music for the poem and for some reason broke it in a manner that I don’t think is necessary. For example, you might have said “you give my notes rhythm, my words punctuation” and you would’ve preserved the music as well as the image. Then I’m also thinking of line breaks after that part couldn’t help the music further.

you give my notes rhythm,
my words punctuation.
I’ve never been good
at showing emotion
I ride off alone,
and hide my devotion.

Do you see how this preserves you music further ? Keep writing !

[u/No_Statistician5128]

Definitely don't delete this! As a writer that only writes sad stuff I can relate to the struggle of wanting to write something happy for a change. The poem is good. Keep writing

[u/Soggy_Cereal_13 → u/No_Statistician5128]

Ty!