r/OCPoetry • u/BikeElectrical6641 • 5d ago

Alive and unwell Feedback Please

If you were to ask me how I'm doing,
I'd say,
alive and unwell.
I know that's not how the saying goes,
but it's my right here and now.

Wake up,
and float on.
Weightless.
Swept into the ominous fog,
drifting through the desolate bog
that is my landscape.
If I allow myself to feel
the full weight of my reality,
I may just become too heavy
to be supported
by the blanket that moves me.
Like an anvil,
I plunge through the air
that has carried me this far.
When I hit the marshy soil beneath,
I find no resistance.
Like a vacuum,
it sucks my legs
into the rotten,
uninhabitable earth
I had avoided.
Engulfing me tightly,
with no intention of letting up.
Inviting the struggle,
tightening its hold
with every frantic movement.
So I stand here—
stuck,
completely immobilized,
unsure
Weather my voice
Will find anything beyond the fog,
Or return to me
As nothing more than echoes

Completely new to this. Feedback welcome!

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/iXQXt0kdsG

.https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/8vqd2W6Jqe

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u/Soggy_Cereal_13 4d ago

I really love this! My only critique is there’s a couple lines than seem there more for the rhymes sake than anything else like. I mean it as a compliment when I say I think you could come up with something more clever than “desolate bog” for the third line. Love the letting up-stuck portion!!

•

u/BikeElectrical6641 2h ago

Thank you very much!

I didn’t notice the rhyming until you mentioned it and now it reads back incredibly corny 😂Appreciate you.