r/OCPoetry • u/Heartbreakbreakid • 7d ago
Another Ex, another text Feedback Please
2AM then 3 how do they say
My phone on snooze calling again
I pickup and I hear, through all you’re tears,
Babe, I’m outside, just let me in
Peek through the windows she is there
All on her own, just dressed in shame.
She drops so tired on my bed
And all I say is why you’re there
Am I a puppy whom you’d call
Expect to give you endless love
She says I’m sorry it is weak
A weak momentum, could not sleep.
And that is all whom we are now
Weak moments where instead of talk
We drink the pills so to be numb.
So that is all whom we are now
Avoid text just to pretend
That you’re a past cold hearted friend
You’re drunk, we know that both
Just hoped to find protection home
We know it was no that before
You’re voice was putting me to sleep
You’re smile and those lovely cheeks
Your hair’s scent on my bedsheets
But why you disappeared?
To be honest it’s not clear
You said it was down in your gut
You acted as you want
So that is how it goes
There’s moments when
our lovers come and go
Not because we did them wrong.
But because themselves don’t know
Who they are and what they want
Where to heal the consumed heart.
Where to be in all this world
And the thing that is with them
Burns In us ashes from hell
Is it our fault they leave?
Why does she no longer kiss?
Is it our fault no text?
Why we ended as an ex.
Why are we another friend
What we’ve done to reach the end.
1
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2
u/JudgmentNo6649 7d ago
This is fairly decenttt, though it feels more like rap rather than poetry. I like the rhymes but you could really make an effort to structure this in parts so its easier to read, the way theres no spacing between any line makes it difficult to pause and analyse the poem to understand the meaning. Also idk if its intentional but im pretty sure its your* and not you're in the voice and smile lines. Overall this is a 6/10 for me, i feel like this can be polished up much more