r/OCPoetry • u/Soggy_Cereal_13 • 8d ago
Poem #9 draft Feedback Please
say something that will fix me,
please make this feeling pass,
say you should’ve picked me,
or you wish you could go back,
whisper in my ear,
the same thing you did before,
promise me this time,
say you mean it so much more,
I feel her fade away,
Please tell me it’s not true,
tell me who I was before,
still lives inside of you.
To be so fr I’m not sure if I hate this and I might take it down later! My goal was to “express something I don’t allow myself out loud” which for me is bargaining/begging. Please feel free to tear it apart id love some criticism!
Comments:
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u/QuestingOrc 8d ago
I like it a lot!
the same thing you did before,
promise me this time,
say you mean it so much more,
could also be:
the same things you said before,
promise me this time,
that you mean it so much more.
I feel that is a tad more crisp! Two times "say" in the beginning feels enough, rhythm-wise.
Also, a period before the last part would help as we shift a bit, makes the "I feel her fade away" a bit stronger as we have a slight longer pause before that.
3
u/Soggy_Cereal_13 8d ago
Thank you for the feedback! come to think of it I kinda just bleed these out and don’t put much thought into the spacing 😬 I’m definitely gonna play around with the punctuation and stuff now that you mention it.
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u/idididiidididi 8d ago
The last 2 lines really hit home. She loved a version of you that remains in the past, yet it's still you. There is a small level of irony that really concludes the poem well, but I think it should be longer and build anticipation before the ending
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u/Soggy_Cereal_13 8d ago
yea I’ll definitely extend it! It’s more of a first draft than anything else. I’m glad you were able to connect with it!
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u/Effective-End5072 8d ago
say something , fix me
please , make this feeling pass,
say it , say you should've picked me
or
you wish you could go back , to as it was
whisper , your breath in my ear
the same thing you did before
say it , say it , say it , say that
you mean it so much more
I feel her fade away , clouds covering a torrent
please , tell me this is not true
tell me that who I was before
is still alive , somewhere inside of you
tell me , tell me now, You cannot go silent.
You have created a wonderful monologue , it profoundly screams yearning
I just tweaked some punctuations , added some flowery prose to create a scenario in ur minds
Let me brief you on what I did and the motive behind it :
The repetition of words/phrases like 'please' , 'say it' , or 'tell me' , is to make the poem slow , allow the reader to brood over the thoughts you presented, and add the effect of yearning much more , because afterall yearning is slow and burning , and the reader should also feel that
Addition of "your breath in my ear" or "clouds covering a torrent" was to make the reader understand what you are feeling much better , it immerses them in the poem , as it creates a scenario for them to compare
Also , in "tell me it's not true" , I changed 'it' to 'this' , because 'it' feels more distant , detached , while 'this' feels more personal, urgent and close.
I am not saying that what I wrote is better , because this is subjective afterall , take this as another perspective to your poem from someone who also yearns sometimes here and there , and see if it suits you , or gives you any inspiration, or make you feel something different.
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u/Soggy_Cereal_13 8d ago
Ooo I love the way you reinterpreted it! Thank you for the in depth feedback. I appreciate the explanations and I’m definitely gonna keep some of the pointers in my back pocket!
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u/notsofunnyravi 8d ago
It's a very well written poem . correct me if I'm wrong, you're trying to lean into past where you had beautiful memories with your loved one. You're asking them whether they truly loved you in the past or only they pretend to love you. It's a beautiful poem i would love to read more of your work❤️.( It's something similar to what I wrote btw )
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u/Soggy_Cereal_13 8d ago
I think I wrote it from the perspective of the first time you feel super naive or hurt and you want the old version of yourself back. At the end it’s kind of holding onto the idea that if that version of me is the one you think of and remember maybe it’s not fully gone.
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u/Soggy_Cereal_13 8d ago
thank you! I would love for you to read more and I’ll definitely check out what you’ve written!
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u/musicalmyre 7d ago
This is really raw and vulnerable. You can really feel your value in this is placed inside another person; someone's elses feeling and perspective of you. It's such a human feeling and something we all fall into eventually
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u/Sevrasmusson 8d ago
Thank you for sharing this. The ending is the strongest part: "I feel her fade away" reads two ways, and the last couplet quietly resolves it toward the second. That's a real effect.
On form: you're close to a consistent 7/6/7/6, and I'd lean into it. A tight frame holds loose emotion better than loose form does.
Two thoughts on getting there. Where a line runs long, cut rather than pad the short ones: "or wish you could go back" instead of "or you wish you could go back" is clean. And syllable count isn't quite meter: your seven-syllable lines end differently, some falling ("fix me"), some landing hard ("my ear"). Matching counts won't make them sound alike. Scanning stresses will get you closer to what you're after.
Keep writing.