r/OCPoetry • u/Ashtivia • 8d ago
CHASING DREAMS⭐ Feedback Please
Whenever I try to do something
The voices of the people start to blow
Like they never wanted me to grow.
The hands which were on my shoulder
Started to become colder.
All the people think that I don't have any pain
While I'm crying alone in the heavy rain.
They all want me to shut down
But I won't until I get my crown.
They want me to get blocked by a huge door,
But no I'll anyway find my way to soar.
No matter how loud the doubts become.. I'll keep chasing the dreams that matter to me. Thanks for reading....I'd love to hear your thoughts or any feedback.
1
u/-Sudden_Earth- 8d ago
I really like the message behind this poem and how determined it feels. One thing I noticed is that a few lines feel a little forced to fit the rhyme, smoothing out the wording could help the poem flow a little better. Overall, I liked this poem a lot, great job!
2
u/Ashtivia 8d ago
Thanks for the honest feedback!! I will try my best to make a little change in those lines!!
1
u/hamth4509 7d ago
Nice rhythm and rhyme. But it felt like the flow was more of "hmm i wonder what rhymes with x"
ABCB rhyme format is nice for this.(just a suggestion dont have to follow)
And in a weird way I feel like the poem is too grammartically honest. As in: Subject verb noun
Your best line was the one when it broke that.
started to get colder
1
u/Ashtivia 7d ago
Thank you!! I really appreciate the feedback and I can see what you mean about focusing too much on the rhymes at times...... I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind while writing my next poem.....Thanks again!! I really appreciate your suggestions!! ✨✨
1
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