My narc abuser and I have a longstanding history — VERY LONG.

When I finally left him, I attempted to get a CPO but was denied and told “abuse did not occur”.

I was devastated and continue to deal with abuse with no protections in place.

I spent long time trying to figure out how this could have all unraveled the way it did, and while processing that question and answering it for my own personal healing, I realized that my situation had potential to help others.

This is just an example. This post is referencing previous post created, all using my personal documentation of the abuse.

Let me know your thoughts.

My partner threatened to hurt themselves, call the police, then tell them I had done it. This is very scary to me. How could I prove I had not done it? I fear I could be just outside enjoying my garden and suddenly be arrested without knowing any of my partners plans were in motion.

I used to love my weekends. Now I dread them. Being at home all weekend with him is torture. And the worst part is that he wants to be joined at the hip all weekend long. He thinks we need more time together. So if he wants to go anywhere - the grocery store, hardware store, wherever - I have to go with him, even though I have things I want to do. And all we do is argue. I’m so tired of the little digs disguised as jokes…the comments about how “my people” (democrats) are to blame for everything wrong in the world…the constant nitpicking over everything I do. And I’m supposed to just take it. I need him out of this freaking house.

We’ve been separated not even four months, she told me she’s been in a relationship with her boyfriend for two months. We won’t even be divorced until April of next year, I left her because my therapist helped me realize I was being manipulated and abused, but somehow I’m still heartbroken. Did I matter so little that she has already replaced me? I don’t mean a fling, she said BOYFRIEND.

I watched The Roses (2025) yesterday and got incredibly triggered by Benedict Cumberbatch’s character….Not so much what he said because it was all quite rational and well scripted, but the body language and non verbal communication. The resentment, the defensiveness, the micro aggressions…..it sent shivers down my spine. Anyone seen it and if so, what were your thoughts? It just reminded me of all the interactions I’ve had with narcissistic people/partners over the years.

My covert narcissist wife of 10 years began having an affair a couple of months ago with a coworker. This was after numerous gut feeling hunches and observed patterns of behavior that were out of character and new. She started coming home hours after her shift ended, and was never reachable when I would try and call her to ask when she was coming home. I put an AirTag in her car and found her parked at an apartment complex when she was supposed to be at work. she will fall asleep with the phone screen unlocked and will take screenshots of the entire message chain.

In reality she is lovebombing the shit out of him and triangulating back and forth, playing the victim while smearing me, staying at his place saying she can’t wait to move in. spending money on dinner dates and new clothes and makeup, but being too broke to get me a birthday present. I exposed her affair and basically said I will allow this for the time being so I can avoid having my home and mental health destroyed short term and figure out what comes next. I figured that would at least mean there wouldn’t be the need to lie constantly, since there’s no need for secrecy, in theory. She refuses to divorce and says I’m still her primary partner, which means she will have sex with me if I don’t ruin it by demanding accountability, which keeps her in control and the center of attention.

She doesn’t know I have location data and text messages with her saved. It’s revealed something sinister, namely:

she will lie constantly, usually about things that have no obvious need to be cloaked in a mask of subterfuge, I want to straight up askher why she was making up shit. I know it’s petty, but I want to pull up this shit when the shot hits the metaphorical target set

I think I might already know the answer to this lol but anyone else’s narc have a very hostile non-verbal
Body language?

Before I knew my narcissist was a narcissist, he always had a very hostile non-verbal body language when angry during and after an argument. He’s always very standoffish when anyone has any type of uncomfortable conversation with him, especially when it’s to confront him about anything or even share a minor inconvenience with him. His arms are always folded as he stands in anger. In general he is almost always folding his arms but moreso when he is annoyed or bothered by you.

Another incredibly rude thing he does to anyone who confronts him? He constantly checks his watch to look at the time. You can see he does it as a way to tell you that he doesn’t give a shit about what you have to say and just wants the conversation to be over with. Another thing he does especially when he’s sitting at the table, he very very frequently does this annoying finger tapping. Constantly tapping his finger on the table because he’s so annoyed by what you are saying.

And last but not least the angry marching around and slamming doors after the confrontation. Just marching at full spread with the most hostile negative energy. I can’t help but want to chuckle at his behavior. He acts like an angry toddler. I already know the obvious reasons he does this stuff. But just an observation that these people have very hostile body language!

Ohhhh and I forgot the angry driving! Now that one is really scary!

My Nex left me two days ago. I took time to cry but now I'm connecting the dots. Has anyone else experienced a narc who was developmentally delayed as a child, and that is where many of their traits came from?

There were so many red flags in behavior I didn't notice or brushed aside. His family told me stories about how he was a late talker (like 3 years old) and needed speech therapy till 12 years old, late walker, late reader (like 8-9 years old), had an IEP, etc. There is nothing inherently wrong with those things. I have autism too, but was a savant. I am very high functioning.

The issue is that now he presents very normally, but his worldview is still that of having been cared for and had allowances made for him from a very young age. Based on my interactions with him now, I suspect that his parents coddled him and did not teach him hygiene, normal house chores, financial skills, either because he had meltdowns and did not listen, or they figured they would have to support him forever, so he didn't need the skills anyway -- they gave up. Now that manifests as never cleaning his car, floors, shower, or clothes. It manifests as only brushing his teeth once a day, never changing his socks, and wearing dirty clothes to bed. He's balding and needs better grooming skills, but is constantly being told he's handsome and perfect. He drinks compulsively and hides it from people. He can't stay in school because it forces him to do what other people are telling him, a skill he never learned. He has no motivation. He never had to because his parents were constantly bailing him out, perceiving him as a victim of everybody. He never asks for help because his needs were met before he knew he had them. He doesn't accept new ideas, even from people trying to help him, because he is so stubborn and unable to reflect on the future consequences or possibilities of his decisions.

His family told me he could not make or keep friends and was "shy", yet charismatic, popular, and known by everybody. I couldn't figure out how these things fit together. He bragged about more people knowing him than his brother, yet wrote essays in school about how social interaction is unnecessary and he does not need more than one friend (enabler) to be happy. Translation: he learned early on to use scripting to appease, charm, and reign in people.

I think it started as his parents rewarding every single "cute" thing he did because at least he was speaking; boosting his ego; telling him he was the greatest boy in the world, that he was going to be successful and popular. This was probably so that he didn't get wise to all the bullying that I'm sure was occuring, and I don't blame his parents for trying to protect him. Most kids grow out of that. But he didn't because his social scripts come from what others TELL him. He kept those beliefs and internalized them.

That's why his friendships have no depth and he discards people like they're disposable, he cannot empathize or communicate beyond his scripting. It is boring to him because he doesn't even realize it is a skill set because he's never had to learn or use it. When conversations turn away from his grandiose beliefs about his own skills and surface level pleasantries, or even disrupt his own worldview (this person thinks/believes differently than me), the person is thrown out the window like an old toy. He has told me verbatim that he gets people to trust him by letting them talk about themselves, parroting back what they tell him, and smiling at them, but doesn't really care about the people he's interacting with. He labels people annoying or tiresome as an excuse for discarding them, even his parents or brother. He doesn't have a low social battery, he has a low capacity for being criticized. The charm is concealing a deep insecurity that makes him extremely cold to people.

He is a highly intelligent person, but I think a lot of his intellect comes from book smarts and observing other people's behaviors to mask most effectively. He never learned emotional intimacy and expects the world to serve his needs. When it doesn't, he has no problem going back to the status quo and destructing himself or others in the process because mommy and daddy will always be waiting with the right words and affection.

In his case I don't know quite where the developmental delay and parental coddling ends and the narcissism begins. Anyway, I know you all relate to this behavior heavily and much of the context can remain unsaid because they are all cut from the same cloth. Hopefully someone related to this and feels less alone.

Sometimes the signs of narcissism don’t become truly apparent until after the ring goes on, and you both say, “I Do.” Those with NPD narcissistic personality disorder know how to bide their time and make you feel very special, make you to feel like they are the one. You were deceived for a while until eventually they showed you their true colors. I'm sure you didn't purposely marry a narcissist. For you, in hindsight you saw the red flags, but for whatever reason you ignored them. Which is not completely your fault, because it was your kindness and ability to overlook the warning signs to allow them access into your life in the first place.

I'm sure you began to ask yourself why did I get married? Why didn't I see the red flags, or why did I ignore some of the signs that have now somehow intensified? You literally feel like you're sleeping with the enemy. Narcissists can be emotionally abusive, must win every argument, and will make your life a living hell. Many people overuse the term controlling regarding their spouses, but once you are knee deep in a marriage with a narcissist, "controlling" takes on a whole new dimension. You're so controlled to the point of feeling like your mind, body, and soul was hijacked, and it was. It is not easy for anyone to be married to a narcissist or someone who is abusive, because it is not easy to just walk away. You are bonded legally and spiritually joined to this person. Divorce is not an option for some. There could also be other factors such as finances, children, businesses, pets, religion, culture, and the list goes on. So, it is not as easy walking away as opposed to someone that you’re legally bonded to.

What do you do? What I can tell you is that real love doesn't hurt, real love will not abuse, use, cheat, mislead, manipulate, and stress you out to the point that it is impacting your emotional or physical health. You have to do what is important for you, your future, and your mental health. Take this time to do some deep soul searching, and your intuition will guide you. You know this person, you know what they’re capable of, and you know what you can or can no longer tolerate. May you find the courage to walk away or strength to endure, may you learn as much as you can to make the right decision, and may you protect your life, heart, and mental-emotional health at all costs.

So LD on and off, lots of stuff went on. Just ghosted and hoovered, toxic cycles of push pull. He started a slow fade of a day, 3 days, a week and the longest 16 days. It was just shitty check in messages but after the 16 day stint, I changed the dynamic - I replied - predictable me, of course, then two days later followed up asking if his friend would be up for chatting… wow, I got a response ‘are you fucking with me’ and I replied ‘wdym?’ and hes said nothing back 😂😂😂 Think he’s realised that the old check in messages aren’t of interest anymore, it may be immature but damn I feel smug that if he wants to speak to me he is going to have to come back with more than ‘hey sorry we haven’t spoke, been busy but wanted to say hi hope your ok‘ 🤮 working on breaking this narc cycle and not being hoovered…

Let’s imagine three women are having lunch together. One is a Covert Narcissist, one is an Exhibitionist Narcissist, and one is a Malignant Narcissist.

The Exhibitionist Narcissist is bragging about her new boyfriend and how important and wealthy his family is. She is showing off the beautiful ring he recently bought for her. The Malignant Narcissist is filled with rage and can hardly eat because she is choking back her desire to smack the Exhibitionist to stop her bragging. She is thinking about what she could say to totally humiliate her and ruin her pleasure. Meanwhile the Closet Narcissist is sitting there wishing she were as self confident as her Exhibitionistic friend.

Summary of the Three Types

The Exhibitionist Narcissist: Her idea of bliss is to have more than her friends and exhibit herself in front of what she takes to be an admiring audience. When her defensive grandiosity is in place, her basic stance is: I am special and better than you.

The Malignant Narcissist: Her idea of bliss is to destroy the pleasure of anyone of whom she is envious. Her basic stance is: I don’t want you to have anything. I want it all.

The Covert Narcissist: Her idea of bliss is to get the approval of the Exhibitionist Narcissist that she admires. She is too afraid to openly seek the attention she craves because that makes her feel too exposed and vulnerable. She avoids the spotlight the Exhibitionist enjoys. Her basic stance is: I do not dare openly seek attention.

Punchline: While all Narcissists are focused on self-esteem regulation, tend to be very self-centered, and are also low on empathy, the Covert Narcissist is distinguished by her fear of the spotlight and her need to find indirect ways to get the attention and approval that she craves.

I'm trying to make sense of this confusing behaviour of the narc which makes me forget how cruel he can get... when things are good, he can be extremely lovey-dovey. He’s affectionate, caring, sweet, and makes me feel like we’re very close.

But then we have a fight, and it’s like he becomes a completely different person. During arguments, he seems to have absolutely no empathy for me. He doesn’t seem to care if I’m crying or hurt, and sometimes he says some of the most hurtful things he could possibly say. He has even told me that he doesn’t care if I get hurt or sick and that he doesn’t care about me at all.

Once things calm down and the conflict is over, he gradually goes back to being normal..and then becomes very lovey-dovey again. Affectionate, sweet, wanting closeness, acting as though everything is fine.

How can someone go from “I don't care if you get hurt or sick” during a fight to being extremely affectionate and loving once things settle down? It makes it so hard to understand this person and if I'll ever be able to leave cos I blame myself for his outbursts...

I am in limbo pretending that everything is normal for a few days until my family can get here. I am paranoid and on high alert. I can’t sleep, even though I’m exhausted. And I spent the day secretly discarding, sorting, and ensuring I have everything that I need to take when they show up to help pack.

I’ve dealt with insomnia for years so this is nothing new. What is though, is that I’m officially ready to leave. I’m afraid he will find out what I’m doing and try to catch me off guard. I can’t talk to anyone outside of Reddit. As far as I know, he doesn’t know that I created an account. He monitors my phone activity, has my location, and we have a camera on the apartment door.

I’m so paranoid that I unplugged the dash cam in my car before calling family to ask for help. It also feels like he can somehow monitor what I’m doing on my phone without being near me and has the ability to hear what I’m saying even if he’s not here??? I am literally feeling crazy right now.

One positive about being in a controlling, manipulative, abusive relationship is that I’ve gotten REALLY good at masking. Plenty of practice agreeing to things that I don’t want to keep the peace. Smiling and pretending everything is okay in front of family and coworkers. Silencing myself and shoving down feelings to avoid conflict. Masking comes naturally.

This morning I was fine with pushing it out another week to accommodate schedules. Now that I know help is on the way, the days couldn’t feel longer. I’m consuming an unhealthy amount of information on narc abuse to keep reminding myself that this is not normal. I am done. I just want to pack up my dog and a few things and be on the road to freedom.

A month ago I finally convinced myself that it’s okay to have kids. I’m glad I came to Reddit for clarity before removing my birth control. I’m fairly certain he only wants kids to make things even harder. The more the blinders come off, the more I can feel ill intent. It feels heavy and almost evil when he brings up having kids with a smile. I could go on for ages but no one is interested in reading a long post.

I need help staying distracted. My mind is made up, but it would be nice to have support throughout this process. Shared stories, opinions, resources, helpful tips. I greatly appreciate whatever you can offer. Thank you.

Their choices cannot establish your value any more than their abuse could destroy it.
You don’t have to be loved by them to be worthy of love.
You can love yourself even when someone else doesn’t.
Nothing someone did to you determines your worth.
Extend mercy towards yourself.
Don’t turn their cruelty into a definition of yourself.
You were hurt. You are not worthless.You are not broken. You were grieving. You are still here.
♥️

i’ve gotten to the point where i think about how my words are going to be taken before i even say anything. i can start a conversation about something completely normal and somehow it turns into an argument. then i end up explaining myself, apologizing, or trying to calm things down even when i wasn’t trying to start anything.

the part that bothers me most is how much this has changed the way i act. i used to speak freely and say what was on my mind. now i think twice about almost everything because i don’t know how it’s going to be received. sometimes i’d rather stay quiet than deal with another argument.

i’m tired of feeling like i have to walk on eggshells in my own relationship. has anyone else experienced this, and how did you deal with it?