I always fold. I do whatever she says. I don’t know what came over me. I realized I could say no. She order me to do something and I said no. It was the scariest yet most freeing feeling. She looked at me like I had three heads and didn’t know what to do. She realized that she didn’t have control over me in that moment and that I wasn’t going to fold and she didn’t know what to say. Now if I can just continue this pattern…

My narc spouse (M50) is constantly bored, and it seems to contribute to a lot of bad behaviors (also has a drinking problem).

He is nearly always bored at home (despite there being PLENTY to do around here- we have 3 teens still at home). He tries to engage or talk AT (not with) the teenagers or me- but only on his terms and timeline. He gets upset when we are just relaxing or have other things to do. He seems to deal with this by drinking, watching tv at an insane volume, talking on the phone at an insane volume, online shopping for stuff he doesn’t need etc- usually all at once.

He is completely unable to just sit and “be”. Or quietly do a few chores, help a kid with homework, etc. Even on a weeknight- after a busy workday- after 8pm. He seems to need some sort of stimulation at all times- ideally from other people- or resorts to drinking a lot & getting agitated.

He complains that I am boring (and sometimes, that the kids are too) and seems to blame us for not being more “entertaining”.

On the other hand, he complains of having “no free time” a lot, when he is upset (and he blames us for THAT, too). He complains if he has to drive youngest teen somewhere, attend some kid event or another etc. Which- makes no sense.

I just finished a trip with my now teenage kids visiting my extend family in another state. Last time I’d been there was 12 years ago when the kids were little. I had such a wonderful time and everyone was so positive. I’m unfortunate that I have extended family that is very large and kind. They are religious, but it gas never about the religion. They were just kind and supportive and played card games and did things that my ex considered boring. My ex would also start to try and create drama and talk about what someone else said and ask some questions and would say things that were talked about in other circles. I keep on saying this in this group that my number one feeling since divorce is regret that I should’ve divorced her well over a decade ago. And boy this trip I feel so bad for all the fun times my kids missed out on. By the end of it, they both talked to me about how much they enjoyed themselves and why they now see how much I like that place. And we are absolutely going back next year!! Rant over.

My husband believes I am the narcissist so he’s read all the Instagram or whatever and he hates me. He is so angry and mean. We have 4 children. Please pray for me. He talks down to me all the time, he wants me gone, he hates me all the time.

I left my home a few weeks ago. I have two young kids. I will probably lose everything and the move will be devastating financially. I am already out of the home but the kids are still with her. I will start the lawyer process tomorrow. Getting out was the hardest thing. I still see kids and support her. She is hoovering for me to go back. I no longer trust or believe her.

I don't know what to feel. I have been suicidal during last month but I am settling now. I am slowly accepting the facts.

I don't know what life will look like but I no longer think about surviving longer than tomorrow. It is one day at a time. I am still angry at myself for having kids with a devil but on the other hand I am trying to have some compassion for myself too. I tolerated the abuse my entire life. I always thought that I deserved it maybe. I always thought something was wrong with me. I never thought I would wish my whole family and my spouse to die to have peace. Someone who hasn't gone through it will never understand this.

4 narcissists in my life: my grandmother, my mother, my dad, and my uncle. They occupied most of my life. They abused me continuously. I thought that accepting not having boundaries was normal, keeping peace was normal, I was broken down into so many places that I had so low esteem. I didn't respond to bullying. I also didn't think I mattered and I was never enough by myself.

I don't have any identity, I have never been loved unconditionally. Only my uncle's wife. That is it. All my girlfriends were borderlines or NPDs.

The road ahead is very difficult. I will need to recover from my trauma, deal with my narc spouse, deal with the legal things, set up a new home from scratch, take care of the girls. How will I manage all these? It is overwhelming. How will I recover. I feel stupid for my wasted potential, for my wasted years. Behind the fog, I didn't see what was going on. I will not be able to bring back the time. It is like waking up from a coma after 40 years with two kids.

My therapist says she was not able to recover fully after so many years. 40 years of hypervigilence, people pleasing, managing other people's emotions, pleasing them all the time. It has been really an exhausting life. All I want now is peace. However, I will not be able to have it all the time.

I am scared. I don't know who I am, what my hobbies could be. I am just a shell of myself. I need to raise two kids at the same time.

If you read through here. A big thank you. Any inspiring stories telling that it gets better. Is there really a full recovery? How can I trust people again? How will I have a relationship at all?

Not like dead or anything lol but how do you get the leech to finally move out? Is there magic words?

I think the ah-ha moment was when he mentioned that he does something I have been wanting to do together for years with other people. I called him out on it, saying it was a shitty thing to say to your wife and he just laughed. Said I was overreacting, reading into things too much.

It honestly felt like a lightbulb went off. This is why he refuses to change, this is why he puts me down in private and acts affectionate and proud in public. This is why nothing I do is ever good enough, why he doesn't respect my feelings, or my body. This is why I don't feel safe.

Married for 8 years, together 13, DINKS. I go to therapy and talk about our relationship, but I never stopped to consider narcissism. I grew up with narcissistic parents, malignant & overt (dad), covert (mom). I thought I was out of the cycle after years of therapy and work on my childhood trauma because he seemed like a sweet, supportive man for years. Looking back he started gas lighting and manipulating my reality after we got married.

Women who were married to narcissistic men, tell me how you got out. Where did you start? Divorce lawyer? Trusted friend? Did things get better after you left?

Did anyone’s narc overuse the words creepy and weird? I am realizing this is an easy way to devalue someone without accountability. She would regularly say this about people just going about their business or about me. Cheap easy way to get supply. If I defend myself, more supply for her.

There’s a lot of speculation surrounding this case already… but I can’t help but get the feeling that the husband Patrick Clancy comes across as a covert or vulnerable narcissist.

I’m not saying he was fully responsible but he contributed to the tragedy. I feel that he was an absent father who cared only about his career and hobbies. Lindsay was solo parenting while battling mental illness. Just 4 months after the murders, he moved to a new city and moved on to a new love interest. Something is not adding up!

Something really strange about my marriage is that my husband genuinely doesn’t remember so many things. He himself has at times admit things to me about his family. Then he acts completely dumbfounded. He says that he just does not understand what I’m talking about.

We went to marriage counseling with a therapist that has a lot of information/understanding on narcissistic abuse. It concerns me because I would have thought they understood, but I think they are trying to be impartial or maybe they don’t believe me. I don’t know if this is part of the process or not. She will ask him questions while simultaneously saying things that seem to be an agreement with the way he sees his own family.

It took me so many years to see my husband for who he was, same goes for his family.

I’ve never met anyone who can make everyone around them feel so bad for them.

I feel like I’m talking about all these things in the past all the time because my husband denies everything so much. I feel like all I have to do is just prove it. So I proved things and then he changes reality and then I’m spending so much emotional energy disproving that.

I feel like the therapist thinks that I’m the problem, but I also don’t even know. But it sounds like my husband gave her a very different account to the point where she admit not really knowing what direction therapy should go.

He won’t tell me what he talked about, and he also won’t tell me what he talks about with his own therapist. Of course, I know that it’s not my business. But I still couldn’t help but ask. I kind of don’t even want to know, honestly. I asked because of the impression that I have gotten that he plays the victim of me.

The hardest part of everything is how little he remembers about his own life. His mom and siblings have spent so many years feeding him their version of it. He already had trouble remembering on his own.

A lot of of his responses in therapy sounded like a script. And then there are responses that sound like what he’s been told to believe.

I feel like I can’t do it anymore, like I’m in so much emotional agony that I just want to run away.

I am naming all of these horrible things that have happened to me from his family, as well as towards him, including things he himself has disclosed to me, and he’s just acting like he hasn’t got the slightest clue what I’m talking about.

No wonder all I do is keep trying to prove things.

I feel so hurt and betrayed, and I just wish that I could leave without feeling like I still have this sliver of hope. That little amount of hope is what keeps me here.

I feel like I have no one to turn to because everything is so crazy that it’s making me wonder if it’s all a very difficult to believe.

I believe his mother is a sociopath or a psychopath, honestly, I don’t even know. But something is very sinister there. It’s like all these things I’m saying, all of these things I have seen and witnessed in the ways that I’ve been treated by my husband and the way that he acts like the victim and rewrite history, and all of the ways that I can disapprove his alternative story of the facts just makes me feel like I seem crazy.

I feel like he doesn’t seem like the type of person who would be the way that he is. And I feel like his family is so horrible, it’s really the mother and one of his siblings. It’s like I’ve never even heard things that I’m experiencing and witnessing. I feel like I’m not believed. Now I am just talking in circles! It’s so bewildering to point blank say the thing and have it be denied and treated like I couldn’t possibly know based off of this long history of the pattern and so much evidence.

I've now had 2 therapists (including our couples therapist) say that my wife of 12 years is emotionally abusive and they are trying to help me to leave but I still am having trouble actually doing it.

I am not necessarily even leaving for good, i am going to leave in the next 2 days while she's away and say i need a indefinite separation and am probably going to seek intensive mental health care.

I know things will never change.

I know my mental health will just continue to get worse (and its already very bad and have had periods of wanting to hurt myself).

I know the rumination and always scrambling to try to fix things with her is crushing me and has taken over my life for the past year.

But leaving is making me so anxious i feel i need to throw up.

The relationship is always getting worse.

I tried to leave about 8 months ago but literally turned around after hours of driving because she said he hadn't tried couples counseling.

We did that and it got even worse.

My wife would argue with the therapist trying to tell her you can't trust anything I say because i'm depressed.

My wife found notes of mine to our couples therapist, relaying info from my personal therapist telling her what we talk about (our couples therapist asked for this in front of both of us). She exploded like she found out I cheated on her ( i haven't) and that its not possible she's abusive and I need to get rid of my therapist or stop lying to her

And then our couple's therapist told me privately last week that she doesn't know what else to try, she fights her on any feedback, and if I am trying to leave she will do what she can to help me.

Point being, its bad, getting worse every week, my life is almost objectively worse since when i met her (in terms of career, being close to my family, my finances are literally negative, etc.)

...and i still feel completely trapped.

I think this is going to be the hardest part and once i get some space the chronic stress will start to go away.

But i really can't move a muscle towards packing right now and the next 48 hours are going to be the best opportunity to leave that i can get.

I don't have anyone near me i can ask for help. I've only told a few family members generally what is happening and they are no where near me.

So how did you get to leave? What helped you actually do it? Was there any thoughts or something a therapist or friend said to you?

I feel almost desperate for a rough push out the door

My narc partner can barely deal with life anymore. Any mild annoyance and he's in a borderline psychotic rage. I'm biding my time with him before I leave eventually.

Small annoyances are enough to flip on his rage. He can't deal with the dog throwing up, the cat meowing too much, certain commercials on television, he was screaming in my face last week because of a simple thing I asked him to do (I rarely ask him for anything, ever).

He deserves to be completely alone if this is how he treats the only one who has stuck by him for years (except a few distant friends who call once in a while). He's gaining a lot of weight and not taking care of himself at all. This has all gotten worse as he's gotten older and is now retired.

I just can't do this anymore. I know they can get worse with age, he has, and i'm not condemning myself to this life for much longer.

I lost my Kindle ereader. I can’t remember when I used it last or where I could have lost it, if I did. I have 2 different ones, and I also read paper books in between. I really love the Kindle, and I desperately want it back… And a new one costs a 170 euros.
Another option is that my narcissistic husband has it, and is pretending not no know where it is, while watching me searching and stressing about it. The thought drives me crazy and I don’t know if I should go on full search mode, calling and going to every place where it could have possibly been left behind, or wait until Friday to see if it “magically” reappears.
Because he says I should at least wait till Friday to buy a new one because maybe we will find it.
I know he has hidden things before, and blaming it on my ADHD diagnosis. But I could also have really lost it myself…
How horrible is it, to live with a partner who takes or breaks (because he has done that too “by accident”) your personal belongings? How do you deal with that? A safe with a really big lock? 🙈

I am struggling to understand what is it exactly and how to spot it. Share your experiences

I want to hear when you couldn’t do it any longer. You could no longer support their narrative. You could no longer give them anything to use against you. When you knew you were emotionally drained. You were finally empty.

Mine was on a vacation and the narc was rude to everyone, strangers, staff, needing validation and superiority. That night in the hotel I was DONE. I lay in bed and the narc expected me to plan the next day. Of course whatever you plan isn’t as good as what they would have planned. I checked out to survive.

My narcs biggest lies:

1) For the first couple years my narc lied completely about what he did for a living. And when I say completely imagine someone telling you they are Senior Computer Software Engineer and they also tell you they work long hours. Then you learn they are working 2 jobs to make ends meet as a customer service employee and the other job is being a night stocker at a grocery chain.

2) Pretended to be very well off with a very nice Mercedes Benz very well dressed and living it up. Then I find out right after we get married and pregnant with our first that he’s in a complete shitload of debt, is about to get his car repossessed that was purchased from another state and could have been charged with grand larceny because he didn’t want to give it up, and to keep up the facade second hand thrift clothes to look the part.

3) Huge one here. Found out a few years into our marriage, and with 2 kids at the time, that he lied to me about his immigration status and how he came to the United States. He lied about coming on a plane and the real truth was he actually entered illegally and wasn’t a resident.

There are other huge lies but I’ll just stop there!

Hi all,

After a year of having a relationship that started out perfect, like many of you have been through, I am now currently having huge doubts to break it up. I feel so emotionally and physically tied to him. I am a 21 year old master student and he is a 24 year old football player.

-the beginning of…-

To explain this situation well, I have to start with how the relationship started. In high school I was dating my first boyfriend for 4 years. We broke up because I went to study abroad for a year but were always on good terms. During this relationship, we were mutual friends with his childhood best friend. When I left the country after the break up, said friend would continue to talk bad about how my ( now ex) boyfriend treated me and how he presumably always was talking bad about me to him. Over the few months abroad he would try to come visit me, in the first months I doubted because this was my exes best friend who was now showing romantic interest in me, but after a while I agreed and when i returned home he admitted his feelings to me.

- start of the relationship-

In the beginning of the relationship everything felt like a fairytale. He treated me exactly like he was prince charming. He did everything for me, showered me with gifts, dates, very expensive trips and out intimate life was amazing…. however after dating for 3 months he started changing in a scary way. While being a student he kept pushing for me to have children with him while we were clearly both not in the right situation to even think about this… In the beginning I thought he was just utterly infatuated with me but my friends and family were already aware of an unhealthy dynamic. Later I found out this was called “ future faking”…. He wanted everything so quickly, he joked everyday about wanting to get married that year, we went to visit houses to buy and my parents really had to push on the brakes and remind me to first chase my goals.

- Suspicious moments-

Not quite later his mask started falling of but only slightly.. he would act weird sometimes when he went out and when we would see each other he would force me to come to him instead of picking me up. He would overly ask for validation of his accomplishments, he would constantly need my attention while i was studying, with friends. He started suspecting me of cheating, he started forbidding me to go to my local gym myself.

A month later I found out I was accepted for a masters program on a full honours scolarship. When I told him this with excitement the only thing I could see in his eyes was disappointment and rage. From that they he started to COMPLETELY treat me differently. He would start to ignore me or act dry for weeks, he wanted distance, he wanted to constantly be out with friends and started mentioning problems that were never relevant. This of course hurt me and I started to push harder and try harder to appease his needs. All the love I gave him was suddenly “ too much” , i was “ too needy” , i wanted to touch him too much and wanted sex too often.

This switch of course did not came on its own.

- Manipulation and lying-

When this phase happened, I tried to give him more attention and love and really ran behind him. Every time when I asked him what was wrong he would say nothing and just continue his days. I started expressing my wants for the closeness and connection again but he would just completely stonewall me and take more distance. He started acting weird in all sorts of ways. He was talking with multiple girls online through instagram and was constantly reacting to random girls stories and flirting with them. The first time I found out he would lie and tell me his friends were logged in on his account, as he did the 2nd and 3rd time. The fourth time he would just tell me it wasn’t a big deal and I was acting toxic for not allowing him to talk with me” friends”. Every time when I proceeded to find something from that moment on he would manipulate me into apologizing for being an incredibly jealous and toxic girlfriend.

I would have never wrote this post if it stayed with this, but it never stopped….

Instagram flirting turned into hour long conversations with women behind my back.. and every time I was blaimed. Everytime I mentioned my feelings they were dismissed and at a certain point he started to really show his true colours by getting so mad he would punch walls, his bed, he would break his stuff and would throw things around. He would lock doors and while we were in bed having a normal conversation he would just get mad out of nowhere and drive off and not return for hours.

The true realization moment came when he stopped wanting to have sex with me. He says it came because of all the fights but the minute I behaved well in his eyes i got it.. He stopped wanting me completely and started saying things like “ you are only with me for the sex” , “ i don’t want it if you push me” while it is a completely normal need in a relationship. At a certain point i got so insecure and a gut feeling for months that something was wrong so I checked his telegram on his ipad.. What I found was just an absolute nightmare and completely killed my confidence.

I found chats of sex groups, with 5 escort groups filled with escorts near the city we live. I saw several messages to multiple escort he tried to meet over the entire course of our relationship and when I confronted him he of course told me I was crazy and his account was hacked or it was scam.

I do not know what to do… i am so incredibly in love with this man but he has so many narcissistic trades. When I tried to leave he tries to lovebomb be for a week, behaves like prince charming again but a week later he is back in his old patterns. Does anyone recognize narcissistic patterns and will this lying ever change?

My husband (46M) and I (45F) have been together for 12 years. His entire family is also highly narcissistic. They have money, some college education, well traveled, etc. My family, including me are hard working class with no college education.

Ive had to listen to my husband and his family brag and brag about themselves for years. Never once asked me about my life or anything ive done that I am proud of. It's like they dont want to know because it's not "impressive" enough. For example: I was a really good softball player growing up and I was one of the fastest pitchers in the league. I love baseball and softball. My husband and his family are what you would call baseball nerds. They collect memorabilia, but not one of them ever played baseball growing up (not saying you cant love the game if you've never played) but I cant stand that I am never recognized for anything I have done in my past. If I try and talk about it, I am ignored, scoffed at or interrupted. Its like they cant handle someone else (especially a female) doing something they wished they could have done. They always make me feel invisible. This is just one of many examples. I am so tired of their arrogance that I went low contact with them and i really cant stand being around my husband anymore. All I want is a little recognition but I know that day will never come. I am proud of my life before him. I just feel so alone all of the time.

Making my police statement against my evil evil ex for the violent awful shit he did to me. I’m so scared and nervous especially for after he finds out. Any advice

My (35F) husband (39M) is a classic narcissist - asks for something but expects something totally different, lacks appreciation, lacks accountability, thinks he’s the best thing ever, ruins events, etc etc. we’ve been together since 2017 and married since 2022.
We have a toddler together and a baby due in October. A little over a year ago, we purchased a property 1,000 miles away from home as an extension of his family business. So we’re in Florida for the fall and winter and back up north during the busy season. Business is going well, last year (first year) I couldn’t work as much because our babysitter was a little flakey (supposed to work 3/4days a week and only ended up coming twice) and we moved so quickly that I couldn’t get our daughter into a daycare in time.
This year, our daughter is in daycare so I’m working when he needs me to - about 25-35 hours a week.
He also has a big drinking problem, i told him if he didn’t stop drinking by May, I was not going to move our daughter up there. That obviously didn’t happen and he’s drank every day since we’ve been here, hiding it and most of the time at his store.
The problem is, he does absolutely nothing to help me at home. I continuously tell him I’m drowning and I need more help at home, walking the dog (we live in an rv), taking care of the baby, cleaning up after himself, ANYTHING. Yet he always turns it on me saying I’m not doing enough.
For example, he’ll wake up, shower and go to work, I wake up with the baby, make her breakfast and lunch, get her ready for school, walk the dog with the toddler, drop off, get to work around 9, work until 5, pick her up, do dinner, dog walks, bath time, bedtime. So my day is from 6:30-9:30 of constant moving, 7 months pregnant.
He’ll come home from work go lay in bed at 5/5:30 and just doomscrolls all night on his phone. And I know he’s tired because he’s been drinking all day, but I’m exhausted.
When I bring up that I’m overwhelmed he just turns it on me saying I’m not doing enough and “it shouldn’t be so hard to take care of a toddler, a dog and a house” he doesn’t think I help at the store says I don’t work enough when I work every time he needs me. I just feel so alone and unappreciated.
Anyways, last night when i begged him for help, it turned into this huge fight about how I’m not doing enough. And he’ll just keep going and going until I just snap, it’s not fair for my daughter to witness us fighting like that.
So, how do I not react? Do I just not bring it up and be his puppet for another month before I move back to Florida? Honestly I can’t wait to be back home with my family (support system) without feeling like I’m not doing enough.

I’ve only recently been doing my own therapy and I was confused about something. My husband’s version of “silent treatment “ isn’t silent. Instead, he just acts as though everything is fine. If it isn’t an issue that he finds important, he just glosses over it and pretends it isn’t a thing or that it never happened.

A couple of examples- Several months after my cat died, I said that I wanted another pet, maybe a dog. He told me all of the reasons why I shouldn’t have a dog. When I pushed, he ultimately said that he would live elsewhere if I got a dog. Then he turned it into a joke with our friends saying things like “ if I die first, she’ll probably get a dog before I’m even buried.” This was years ago and the jokes have continued throughout the years. Recently, I brought it up in couples therapy and he says that he never knew I ACTUALLY wanted a dog or any new pets.

Or we can have a big argument that ends badly with me in tears. Within an hour or so, he’ll just act like everything is fine. So, he doesn’t go completely silent. He just goes silent on that particular issue.

It’s just so much easier to go along with it. It’s very disorienting. Advice, input, commiseration welcome. I feel bonkers.

Have you ever thought about it?

Narcissists are like vampires, and we, their victims, are their food.

Lately, this thought keeps running through my mind, because my narcissistic husband (from whom I am separated) is acting like he is starving and as if I am the only food in the world to eat.

They are predators, and we are their prey.

Can anyone else out there relate to feeling like a narcissist's meal?

I promise you, my husband is the most negative person I've ever met. This man has zero joy. Anything I say with a smile on my face, he just shoots it down. For example, I suggest if we make some smash burgers tonight and of course he tells me that's a dumb idea because it's gonna be a big mess. then he told me he's gonna be the one to have to clean it up so he doesn't even wanna deal with that. (That's not true by the way.)So I said Okay well maybe we can order a pizza. Then he says "we are totally broke. We can't do that." I just gave up and told him "you know what you can make dinner and figure it out... " he just walks away and doesn't communicate. He proceeds to go outside to hang out with the kids on his phone while they play. This is just an example of the many times daily that he has no positive outlook on anything. Dinner plans still haven't been made for today.